Craig walks into the camper, and stands in front of Jim.
Jim: (spitting cracker crumbs on Craig) What?
Craig grins.
Jim: Have you come for my crackers?
Craig shakes his head no.
Jim: Okay, then. 'Cause you can't have them. What do you want then?
Craig grins and holds out his closed fist.
Jim: Is that food?
Craig shrugs and opens his hand revealing a butterfly.
Jim: OH MY GOD!!! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!! KILL IT!!!
Jim runs into the wall trying to get away from the butterfly. The camper flips on it's side.
Craig: May Fools.
Craig walks out the door and leaves a very paranoid Jim sitting there.
Shawn: Why are you scared of butterflies, dude?
Jim: Uh... uhm... I... um...
The butterfly flaps it's way back into the camper. Jim runs into the wall again. It flips the camper back onto it's wheels.
Jim: KILL IT!!!!!
Craig walks back into the camper, eats the butterfly, and then walks back out.
Craig: (silence) (silence) (silence) Burp.
The butterfly flaps outta Craig's mouth, and he re-eats it.
Craig: Ass.
Meanwhile, Joey has walked over to Rain and Crow. He looks down at Crow's hand, which has begun to scab over.
Joey: Dude, cool!
Joey pokes Crow's hand.
Joey: Dude, what the hell is "filk"? It's supposed to be some type of music, but I've never heard of it...
Crow: Dude, how the hell am I supposed to know? Ow! Ow! Ow! Goddammit! Joey, quit poking my damn hand! That fucking hurts!
Mick runs through the house, and hits Craig in the back with his stick.
Mick: MAY FOOLS!!!
Craig's helmet begins turning bright red. Craig headbutts Mick.
Craig: Same to you.
Craig walks out the door, just as Shawn stumbles in with a bottle of Grape wine.
Shawn: Yuuhhh wwwhu dah duuu ccaa muuzzzuh!!!
Jim: What the fuck was that?
Shawn falls and lands in the middle of the floor.
Rain: Drunken.
Rain kicks Shawn in the head.
Rain: Get up, you bitch.
Shawn gets up and stumbles into the bathroom to puke.
Rain: (picking up Shawn's wine bottle) Who the fuck drinks this shit anyway?
Rain throws the bottle out the window at Sid who is flying by.
Rain: May fools.
The bottle hit Sid, and sprang his wing.
Sid: Buuuuzzzzzzzzxxxxx!!!!! OWWWWWWWW!!!!! FUCK!!!!! I KILL YOU!!!
Mick sees Sid and walks over to him, and sprangs his other wing with his stick.
Mick: MAY FOOLS!!!
Mick runs off.
Sid: Buuzzzzxxxxxx... grrrrr!!! Can't move!!!
Rain: Dammit.
Rain gets up and walks outside to Sid.
Rain: Havin' fun?
Sid: Buzzzzz.... zzzuubbbb.... no, dammit!!!
Rain: (grinning) Really. Good then.
Sid beings snapping at Rain.
Rain: I wouldn't do that.
Rain throws Sid over her shoulder, walks back into the camper, and drops him in the middle of the floor. Before she can sit back down, Sid bites her.
Rain: You bitch.
Rain bites Sid back.
Sid: Buzzz... Oww....
Suddenly, we hear retching, followed by a loud thump.
Crow: What was that? Go see, Joey.
Joey: Why me?
Crow: Just go, boy.
Joey goes to the bathroom to see what it was.
Joey: (screaming) SHAWN'S DONE PUKED EVERYWHERE AND PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR!!
Paul and Corey walk into the camper.
Corey: Shawn passed out yet?
Joey: (still screaming) YEAH!!!
Corey: Good. We have a kick ass May Fools trick planned for the fucker.
Joey: (screaming) WHAT DID YOU SAY??
Corey: Get your fucking ass in here and listen!!!
Joey comes in the room, and we all begin discussing what's going to happen to Shawn. The discussion goes on for the next 10 minutes
Corey: That sound alright to you guys?
Everyone in the room: Yeah!!
Corey: Alright then. Where's the fucking rubber bands?
Joey: How many you need?
Corey: Two.
Joey pulls the rubber bands out of his pig-tails and hands them to Corey.
Joey: Will these work?
Corey: Yuh-huh.
Corey takes the rubber bands from Joey and walks into the bathroom.
Corey: Dude, you awake?
Shawn lifts his head up and moans. His head then smacks back onto the floor.
Corey: Perfect.
Corey takes the rubber bands and wraps them very tightly around Shawn's ankles.
Corey: (patting Shawn on the back) You gonna have some stubs, mother fucker.
Corey walks back in the living room.
Corey: Paul! Look!
Paul turns to Corey, and is greeted by Corey's crotch.
Paul: QUIT HUMPING MY FACE!!! YOU BITCH!!!
Corey: (still humping) MAY FOOLS!!!
Paul slings Corey into a wall. The camper flips over on it's side again.
Joey: Dammit! That happens too much!!!
Shut up, you ass.
Joey: You're mean...
Really.
Paul pulls out some duct tape.
Corey: Uh, what are you gonna do with that, man?
Paul stretches the tape out, and pulls a piece off.
Corey: Man! It was a joke!!!
Paul puts the tape over Corey's genitals.
Corey: What the fuck are you doing!!!
Paul: You're gonna have some fun pulling it off.
Paul puts five more strips of tape on Corey.
Corey: Dude?
Paul: May Fools. You wanna hump me again? I have some more tape!
Corey thinks about it, makes a move, thinks about it again, and shakes his head no.
Paul: Good.
Paul walks out the door.
Corey: (looking down at his crotch) Goddammit! I'm a smoothie now! Shit! How do I get this shit off?
Jim: Rip it off dude.
Corey: You sure that'll work?
Jim: Uh-huh.
Corey: Okay.
Corey rips a strip off.
Corey: (holding his parts and rocking in the floor) OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!! FUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!!! GODDAMN THAT STINGS!!!
Jim: May Fools.
Joey: Dude, look!! Corey took a couple of layers of skin off!! Damn!
Corey continues pulling the strips off, while everyone in the camper has gone outside.
Paul: Dude. Shawn's feet are gonna turn black and fall off like a dog's tail.
Joey: How long you think it'll take him to realize that he has rubber bands on his ankles?
Paul: I doubt he will.
Chris comes bouncing by on a pogo stick, followed by Mick chasing him with his hickory stick. Mick stops chasing Chris because he's noticed that he hasn't hit Crow, Rain, and Joey yet. So he does.
Mick: MAY FOOLS!!!!!
Joey: You broke my nail, you bastard!!
Crow: Dammit!!! He opened that scab on my hand!!! Shit!!
Joey: Oooo!!!
Joey begins poking at the scab again.
Crow: Quit!!
Rain: Ow...
Rain bends over because her nose is gushing blood.
Rain: Mother fucker.
Jim: That damn stick is getting annoying.
Jim grabs his tire-iron and hits Mick again. Mick falls to the ground. Jim grabs the stick, snaps it in half, and throws it in the bushes.
Jim: There. That's solves that.
Corey comes running out of the house, holding the duct tape in his hand, far away from his body.
Corey: Look what the hell you did to me, Piggie!!!
Corey points to the tape, which has what appears to be Corey's genitals dangling from it.
Corey: Sew 'em back on, dammit!!!
This is when a loud thump-thump-thumping, followed by a whole lot of cursing, issues forth from the camper trailer. Everyone races in to see what the commotion is.
Shawn: GodDAMMIT!!!!! Why can't I walk?
Shawn attempts to stand up, but his feet have turned black. Just as he gets to his feet, they blackened appendages begin cracking!
Shawn: What the hell is going on, goddammit?
Shawn's feet pop off. Shawn then falls back down to the floor.
Joey: (giggling like a school girl) That's funny.
Shawn belly-crawls across the floor, and attempts to put on his shoes. Mick walks in through the door at this moment, and hits Shawn in the back of the head with the door. Once again, Shawn passes out.
Mick: Grrrrrr.....where.......new....club?
Jim: Oh, I tossed that piece of shit. Dude, you broke it already!
Mick: Grrrr...did? Grrrrr...damn.....
Mick walks outside, and stops in front of a Redwood tree. He wraps his arms around it, and uproots it. He then proceeds to snap the limbs off of the tree.
Mick: Grrrrrr....new club.....
Mick then gives his new club a few practice swings.
Everyone but Shawn: Aw, fuck!! Not again!
Everyone runs into the cornfield, leaving Shawn in the floor.
Mick: Grrrrr....where...of...go....
Mick begins turning in circles searching for someone to club. He then sniffs the air.
Mick: GRRRRR!!! IN CORNFIELD!!!
Mick straps his tree to his back, goes down on all four, and takes off in the direction of the cornfield.
Deep inside the cornfield...
Paul: Snort, snort. When did we get a pool out here?
Joey: Omigod! Where?!
Paul: Snort, there.
Paul points to the pool.
Joey: Dude!
Joey jumps into the pool, and Paul begins laughing.
Joey: Omigod!!
Joey jumps out of the pool.
Paul: (still laughing) Snort, dude! It's fucking sewage!! May fuckin' Fools!!
Suddenly, Mick jumps up, and starts swinging his club. It starts slicing through the corn stalks, and corn flies everywhere.
Joey: Ahhhhhh!!! The corn!!!! It's attacking me!!!!
Jon Davis comes flying through the air.
Jon: Ahhhhh!!!! Save me!!!!
Jon lands on his ass in the dirt.
Jon: OWWWWW!!!!
Fred Durst comes running over, with a blanket wrapped around his otherwise naked body. He's wearing that fucking hat though. He's always wearing that fucking hat.
Fred: Oh, I don't believe it!
Mick: Grrrrr....
Fred: Oh, tell me you didn't bruise your tight, succulent ass, Jon...
Fred begins running over towards Jon, his shirt that says "Yes, they're rub-ons" flapping in the wind. He runs, and Paul sticks out his foot. Fred trips over Paul's foot, and falls into the sewage pool.
Paul: May Fools, you fucking queer.
Fred: (spitting out sewage) Oh no!! I smell like shit!! I smell like Green Day!! Dammit!
Fred stands up and his tattoos begin running off of his skin.
Fred: Shit!!! NOOOO!!!! My rub-on's!!!! I'm all out!! Fuck!!
Fred begins crying.
Paul: Ass.
Paul kicks Fred in the back of his neck.
Fred: No!!! Not my flower!!
Suddenly, everyone hears a crashing sound, and Mick busts up in the middle of the cornfield with his Redwood tree/club.
Mick: GGGRRRR!!!! THERE ARE!!!
Mick swings his club, which sends Jon and Fred flying.
Joey: (pointing up at the flying ones) Oooooo.....
Mick: Grrrrr.....fun....time....
Jim: Fucking clubs....
Jim frisbees his tire-iron at Mick's head. Mick falls to the ground.
Rain: Fire.
Sid: Buuuuzzzzz..... whuhhh??
Rain: Go get gas.
Sid flies off on his razor scooter, and comes back about 5 minutes later with a gas can.
Sid: Buzzz....
Rain: (pointing at the Redwood) Fire.
Sid: Buzzzz.... Oh....
Sid pours the gas on the Redwood.
Rain: Here.
Rain hands Sid her lighter.
Sid: Buzzz....
Sid strikes the lighter next to the Redwood. The tree goes up in flames, along with Sid's hand.
Sid: BBBBUUUUZZZZZ!!!!!!! OOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!
Sid sticks his hand in the sewage pool to put out the fire.
Sid: Buzzx...ahh....
Everyone begins walking back towards the camper.
Crow: Hey Corey! I got something for ya!!
Crow pulls a video out of his pocket.
Corey: What's that? Porn?
Crow: Uh-huh. Denise Richards porn.
Corey: Ooooo!!! Gimme!
Crow hands Corey the video. Corey begins running at full speed back towards the camper.
Crow: Dude, follow him.
Rain: Why me? Why don't you fucking follow him?
Crow: Uh-uh... no way in hell...
Rain: I don't wanna go!!
Crow pulls a spider out of his pocket. Rain begins running after Corey.
Rain: (to herself) Dumb mother fucker... I'ma kill 'im...
Rain catches up to Corey.
Rain: Why the hell are you so excited over it?
Corey: It's Denise Richards, man!!!
Corey and Rain get back to the trailer, and Corey pops the video in.
Rain starts laughing.
Corey: What? What's funny?
Rain: (still laughing) Nothing man... nothing...
The video starts up with the lesbian scene from Wild Things.
Corey: (whacking off) Oh, yeah...
Rain: (to herself) Uh-huh... you'll be thinking that in a minute...
Suddenly, the lesbian scene has shifted into something else. Corey hasn't noticed because his eyes are closed. Rain starts laughing again.
Corey: What?
Rain: (laughing) THE VIDEO!!!
Corey: What? They have a beaver shot of Denise?
Rain: Uhhhhh-hhhuuuhhh!!!
Corey opens his eyes and sees what's going on.
Corey: WHAT THE HELL!!!!
Rain laughs even harder.
Corey: What is this shit!
Corey hasn't stopped whacking.
What broke in during the Wild Things lesbian scene was gay man porn. This is how it went...
It started off with Fred Durst pumping away on Spider's (from Powerman 5000) ass.
Spider: Oooohhh yeaahhhh....
Fred: You like that dontcha, bitch!!
Billie Jo Armstrong walks in, and begins staring at Fred and Spider.
Billie Jo: Damn...
Billie Jo pulls out one of those mini motel lotion bottles, and places a tiny drop of lotion on his dick, pulls out his tweezers, and starts jacking off.
Spider looks over at Billie Jo. Fred is still pumping.
Spider: Come on, big boy.
Billie Jo walks over and places himself in front of Spider. Spider begins pumping away at Billie Jo's ass.
Billie Jo: Ow, ow, ow, ow. Did you use any lube?
Spider: No, why?
Spider gets stuck in Billie Jo's ass.
Spider: Oh shit! I'm stuck!
Fred is still pumping.
Billie Jo: We gotta go to the hospital!
Spider: Okay.
The attached Billie Jo and Spider start trying to walk while Fred is still pumping away at Spider's ass.
Fred: Where we goin'? Take it, bitch! Take it!
They get into a white van and start driving down the highway towards the hospital. Billie Jo is working the pedals with his hands, Spider is steering, and Fred is still pumping.
Spider: Can you quit that already, Fred?
Fred: Take it, bitch!
They arrive at the hospital, and somehow sit in a wheelchair. Fred is still pumping. The nurse shows them to a room, so they can wait for the doctor.
Nurse: Hmmmm....
The nurse takes off her shirt. Fred is still pumping.
Nurse: Let me up in there!
Fred, Spider, and Billie Jo: No!! No females!!
Nurse: Okay, fine.
The nurse walks out of the room, and then comes back in.
Nurse: I forgot my shirt.
She grabs her shirt and walks back out. Fred continues pumping.
2 hours later...
Fred is still pumping. A big black man walks in.
Man: I'm Dr. Cathcart, what seems to be your problem today.
Billie Jo: He's stuck in my ass!
Spider: I'm stuck in his ass! And Fred won't quit!
Dr. Cathcart: Oh, I see.
Dr. Cathcart begins walking around and looking at the group.
Spider and Billie Jo: Anything you can do?
Dr. Cathcart: I do believe there is...
Dr. Cathcart rips off his pants and begins pumping away at Fred's ass.
Fred: Get offa me you queer! I'm not like that!!
Dr. Cathcart get stuck in Fred's ass. This is when the porno ends.
Note to reader: You wondering why we named the Doctor, Dr. Cathcart? Well... he's this children's doctor that both Crow and Rain went to years and years ago. He pretty much molested both of them. The fucking freak.
Corey: (white as a ghost) What.... was.... that.....
Rain: (laughing) May Fools, dude!!
Corey: Uhhhhh.... that.... was..... fucking.... sick....
Rain: Oh, I know.
Corey: Dirty!! So dirty!!!
Corey runs into the kitchen and pours a gallon of bleach on himself.
Corey: That's better...
Rain: Dude?
Corey: Huh?
Rain: Here...
Rain pulls a video out of her pocket.
Rain: The real Denise Richards porno.
Rains hands Corey the video.
Corey: Oh my god!! It's Denise Richards!!!
Corey runs back into the living room, jerks the tape out of the vcr, throws it against the wall, and puts in the new tape.
Rain: Have fun.
Rain grabs the unconscious Shawn by his clown hair, and drags him out the door to find the others.
Rain: Dude, he freaked out.
Crow: Really? What happened?
Joey: (bouncing) What was the video! What was the video! I wanna see it!!!
Rain: The video was a man-on-man-on-man-on... well... you get the idea... it had Fred, Billie Jo, and Spider from Powerman 5000 in it.
Joey: Ewww.... I don't wanna see that...
Rain: Really. Anyway, what happened. The lesbian scene started up, Corey was whacking off of course... then the mother fucking man thing started up... terrified....
Paul: Snort, snort, that's fucked up.
Screaming is heard from inside the camper.
Paul: What's that?
Rain: Oh... I gave him another video...
Crow: What was it?
Rain: Fred and Richard Simmons with farm animals.
Crow: Fucking nasty.
Rain: That's why I left.
Corey comes running out of the camper.
Corey: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME!!!
Rain: What? You didn't like it? I thought you'd enjoy being an invert.
Corey plops down in the poison oak patch, and begins rocking and crying.
Corey: I'ma get your ass back....
Rain: Really? Sounds fun.
Shawn wakes up.
Shawn: How in the hell did I get out here?
Rain: You walked.
Shawn trys to stand up, and fails.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!
Corey: (half crying, half laughing) May Fools, muthafucka!!
Shawn: Huh? What in the goddamn hell did you do? And why are you in my goddamn poison oak patch?
Shawn trys to stand up to get Corey out of his poison oak patch, but falls back down.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!!!!
Corey: I fucking put rubber bands on your ankles and your fucking feet fell off!!
Shawn: What the fuck!!!
Shawn looks down at his stubs.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!!!!!! I'MA KILL YA!!!!!
Shawn trys to stand up again, but with no luck.
Shawn: Goddammit. Joey, boy! Go get daddy a wheelchair!!
Joey: Um, from where?
Shawn: I don't fucking know!! Just find one!!!
Joey walks over to exploded mess of the UPS truck, and begins opening packages trying to find a wheelchair.
Shawn: Crow, get your ass over there and help him!!
Crow: Why me? Why not her?
Crow points to Rain.
Rain: I don't wanna go.
Crow: But... but... but.... you go toooooooo!!!!!!
Shawn: GO GODDAMMIT!!!!
Crow and Rain walk over to where Joey is, and begins opening packages.
Joey: Hey Shawn!!! You want this???
Joey holds up a giant orange vibrator.
Shawn: Save it!! I might want it later!!!
Crow: Dude, shouldn't we be looking through the larger packages to find a wheelchair?
Joey: Oh, yeah.
Joey drops a small package he was about to open, and walks over to a large package. When Joey dropped the package, it rattled.
Rain: Oooo....
Rain picks up the package and opens it.
Rain: Oooo!!! Ritalin!!
Rain walks over to Paul and hands him the bottle.
Rain: Here. Snort.
Paul: Snort! Don't copy me!!
Rain: You ass. I meant for you to snort them.
Paul: Oh.
Paul snorts the Ritalin up his nose.
Rain: Um, dude... Don't you wanna crush them first?
Paul: Snort... uh... snort... uh, no. Why?
Rain: No reason...
Rain walks back over to the packages, and sees Joey sitting on top on a large box, gnawing at the tape attempting to get it open.
Rain: You're doing it wrong.
Joey: No, I'm not!
Rain: Yes, you are.
Rain pulls out her lighter.
Rain: Fire.
Rain strikes the lighter next to the box, the box goes up in flames.
Joey: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Joey's hair is on fire.
Crow: Dude!! Stop, drop and roll!!
Joey dives head first into the ground and is knocked out.
Crow: I didn't say dive...
Rain: Well, his hair went out didn't it?
Crow: Yeah.
Rain: So, you helped. He misunderstood you though.
Crow kicks Joey in the ribs.
Crow: Wake up!! We found a damn wheelchair!
Joey lifts his head up.
Joey: Whuh??
Crow: We found a fucking wheelchair!!
Joey: Oh....
Joey sits up, and attempts to straighten his hair.
Joey Dammit!!! Now what am I going to do!
Rain: Dude, I opened this one box, and it had a wig in it. Want it?
Joey: Yes!!! Gimme!
Rain hands Joey the wig.
Joey: Dude, it looks like a fucking hair band wig.
Rain: Really.
Joey: Oh well.
Joey puts the wig on his head, and looks like a complete fucking idiot.
Joey: Hey Shawn!!! We got your damn wheelchair!!
Shawn: Give it here, goddammit!!!
Joey pushes the wheelchair over to Shawn. Shawn crawls up in it.
Shawn: I'ma kill you sons of bitches for putting me in this chair!!
Shawn attempts to wheel away, but gets stuck in the mud.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!!!!! Help me!!
Chris: How?
Shawn: Push me!!!
Chris: Okay... hold this.
Chris hands Shawn a Polaroid picture of a naked Martha Stewart.
Shawn: (looking at the photo) OH GODDAMN!!!!!
Shawn lifts up and sits on the photo.
Shawn: There.
Rain: I know something fun to do!!
Rain kicks Echo in the back of his head. Suddenly, a scent of raspberries fills the air.
Echo: WHERE' MY MICK?!
Rain: Back in the cornfield, dude.
Echo: MY BABY MICK!!! I'M COMING FOR YA HONEY!!!
Echo hurriedly flies off into the cornfield.
2 minutes later..
Echo is back clutching Mick in his arms. Mick is struggling to get away.
Mick: Grrrrr!!!!! Let go me!!!
Echo: MY MIIIIICCCCK!!!! I MISSED YOU!!!
Joey: Dude, I fucking hate this wig...
Mick noticed Joey's wig and begins laughing.
Joey: Quit it, man!!! It's not funny!!
Suddenly, an odd shaped 80's guitar appears from out of no where.
Joey: Oh no!! The wig has powers!! So tempting!
Joey grabs the guitar and launches into a 5 hour 80's rock guitar solo.
Mick: Grrrrdamn!!!! Gimme!!
Mick grabs the guitar, which immediately changes into a giant club with strings, and goes into his own 5 hour guitar solo.
Mick: Grrr... time.. sing... fave band....
Mick starts up like Morbid Angel.
Mick: Grrrr!!! Bluhluhluhluh!!! Arrrraaaaaccckkkk!!!! Oooooooogggggeeerrrrrrraaaaahhh!!!! Ah! Ah! Ah! GRRRRR!!!!!!!
This goes on for another 5 hours.
Jim: Okay, that's enough.
Jim pulls out his tire-iron. Mick notices this and stops.
Mick: Grrr... no more.. no more...
Jim grins and puts the tire-iron away.
Everyone goes and sits in the poison oak patch.
Joey: (looking into a mirror) My hair! My beautiful hair!!
Mick: Grrrr... shut... hell... up...
Mick pulls out his club and whacks Joey with it. He then grabs Joey's hair band wig and places it on his own head.
Mick: Grrrr.... fun...
Mick begins head banging. The wig flies off of his head and lands on Shawn's right stub.
Shawn: Goddammit, Mick!!! I'ma poke you to death with my stubs!!
Mick: Grrrr... ha... ha....
Craig: We have a concert in about an hour..
All of Slipknot but Craig: Fuck!! Where?!
Craig: (silence)
Corey: (grabbing Craig by the neck) ANSWER ME, BITCH!!!
Craig: Dirt road.
Sid: Buuzzzzz...xxx....zuuubbb... which???
Craig: The one beside the cornfield.
Chris: Everything is beside the fucking cornfield, dude!!
Craig grins.
Craig: The one with the green mud.
Chris: Oh, that one.
Mick: Grrr... must get shit together....
Mick picks up all the equipment in one hand and throws in the tobacco trailer.
Mick: Grrrrrr...... get... in...
No one is listening to Mick because everyone is busy poking at Shawn's stubs.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!! LEAVE THE CRIPPLED ALONE, GODDAMMIT!!!
Mick: (screaming/growling) I SAID GET IN THE MOTHER FUCKING TRAK-TOUR!!!
Everyone scatters to get in the Trak-tour before Mick goes the hell off.
Shawn: Help me in!! Goddamn wheelchair!!
Mick grabs Shawn and his wheelchair and slings them into the trailer.
Mick: Grrrrr!!!!!
Mick jumps into the drivers seat and cranks up the Trak-Tour.
Mick: Grrrrrr.... hold... on...
Everyone grabs onto something. Shawn puts the breaks on his wheelchair, and then grabs the wheels. Mick taps on the gas. The Trak-Tour goes barreling through the woods taking down trees and anything else in it's way.
Shawn: GOOD GODDAMN!!!! SLOW THE FUCK UP, MICK!!!!
You see, since they put the jet engine in the Trak-Tour... when Mick tapped the gas, it flipped Shawn's wheelchair over.
Mick: Grrrrrnoo!!! No stop!!!
Shawn: Goddammit...
Shawn just lays there on his back, in his flipped wheelchair.
We make it to the green dirt road about a minute later. Mick unloads the equipment in one swipe.
Mick: Grrrr.... need audience... where audience...
Craig: May Fools. We don't have a concert today.
Mick: Grrrr.... WHAT?!
Shawn: Goddamn you, you spiky headed son of a bitch!!
Shawn begins poking Craig with his stubs.
Craig: Quit. That's nasty.
Craig puts his foot on Shawn's chest and flips him over.
Shawn: MOTHER FUCKER!!
Shawn jumps up and begins chasing Craig on his stubs. Craig climbs up on Mick's head. Shawn can't reach him.
Shawn: Goddammit!!!!!
Shawn stubs his way over to his wheelchair and hops back in.
Mick: Grrr... get hell off head...
Mick throws Craig to the ground.
Mick: Grrrrrrrr...... we will... have... concert... today...
Mick begins screaming every curse word imaginable, and continues this until the locals start gathering.
Farmer Joe: What in god's name is going on? HOLY JESUS!! IT'S A BEAR!! GIMME MY GUN!!!
Farmer Joe runs back to his truck and grabs his gun.
Mick: Grrr... don't think so...
Mick grabs the gun and tosses it into the cornfield.
Rain: Dude, shouldn't Steven be here by now?
Echo: (clinging onto Mick's arm) I dunno, dude.
Loud Ninja Screams Come From Inside The Cornfield
Voice: Ahhhhyayayaaaahhh!!!!!! I have come for your booty juice!!!
Echo: No!! Not my booty juice!!
Echo lets go of Mick's arm and covers his ass up.
Steven pops out of the cornfield with corn cobs behind his ears.
Rain: Yay! Fun!
Rain pats Steven on the head.
Steven: I brought gifts!!
Steven begins handing out ears of corn to everyone in site.
Joey, Paul and Craig are setting up the equipment on the "stage". The stage is a big pile of gravel.
Joey climbs up the gravel, and sets up his drum kit. Joey looses his balance and falls backwards down the hill.
Joey: Oh no!!!! I broke my nail!! I can't play now!! Fuck!!
Steven: Ooo! Ooo!! Lemme play for you!!!
Joey: Uh... how much experience you got?
Steven: None!
Joey: Okay! Good enough!
About 25 minutes later, Knot minus Joey, and Steven are ready to play.
Corey: Okay, we got a new song for you mother fuckers! (old folks gasp) It's called "These Panties"!!
Slipknot start playing. Steven just sits there and stares at the kit. Then he begins doing a drumroll and won't quit.
Corey: (growling) I feel... soooo... purdy... in these... panties...
Corey rips over his coveralls. He's wearing those damn panties with the picture of Denise Richards on them. Steven has been doing his drumroll too hard and the sticks go through.
Steven: FUCK! What to do....
Steven begins beating his head into the drumkit.
Corey: (growling) I feel...
Before Corey can get anymore words out, James Hetfield runs up on the gravel hill, screaming about how he's a goth now.
Steven: Huh? What the hell?
James Hetfield: I AM A GOTH!!!
Corey: What the fuck? Get the hell offa the stage, you bastard!
Steven: (does a shrill whistle) Hey Jonathan!!! Get your ass out here!!
Jonathan runs up on stage and begins choking the shit out of Hetfield.
Corey: Now, back to the song!
Steven begins bashing his head into the kit again.
Corey: These panties... feel so great...
Shawn has been beating his keg so hard that's he's flipped his wheelchair over onstage, he's kicking his stubs and screaming "Goddammit" over and over.
Corey: (growling) Don't think wrong... (screaming) I'm not queer bate, muthafuckas!
The song ends.
No one is left in the audience but Echo, Rain and Preparation H Raymond. The old people got scared and ran off. Prep H Raymond runs up onstage, and begins shaking Steven.
Raymond: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhh
You know you're sitting down on your ass, and that's bad
You can't pass gas....
Steven: What the fuck, dude?
Raymond: Aw hell, fuck it. Don't sit down!! You'll get hemorrhoids!!
Corey: Oh my god!!! It's Denise Richards!!
Corey jumps on Raymond's ass and begins humping away.
Raymond: Oooooooooooooooohhhhh.... you're asking for it now.. you might give me hemorrhoids...
Raymond smears Preparation H all over Corey.
Corey: You bitch!!
Corey swings at Raymond, but he disappeared.
Corey: What the hell?
Corey slips up on the gravel hill, rolls down is and sprangs his penis.
Corey: (in pain) OOOOOOHHHH MY FUCKING GAWD!!!! GODDAMN YOU RAYMOND!!! YOU RETARDED MOTHER FUCKER!!!
Mick: Grrrr... go back home...
Mick snatches up all the equipment in one hand, and everyone else in the other, and throws them in the trailer.
Mick: Grrrr... sawed.. off... son... bitch... stubby... don't.. try.. to sit up....
So, Shawn just lays on his back in the wheelchair. Mick taps the gas, and just like that, we're back at the camper. Everyone jumps out, except for
Sid: Buuuz.... Buuzzzzuuubbbxxx... hey, Rain! meeeeeeeee and Joey have something for you!!
Joey: (whispering to Sid) Keep it away from me!!!
Rain: Whah-huh?
Sid pulls a giant spider out of the back of his mask, and holds it in front of Rain.
Rain: OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!
Rain jerks open the door to the tv, and hides in there.
Sid and Joey: May Fools!!!!
Rain: Eeeeeeeeeee.... Hmm....
Rain steps out of the tv.
Rain: Hey, you guys want some candy??
Sid and Joey: Ooo!! Candy, candy, candy! Gimme!
Rain: Okay!
Rain pulls a bottle out of her pocket, and dumps some of it's pretty contents in each of their hands.
Joey: This don't look much like candy...
Sid: Buzzzz... look like pills....
Rain: Oh, it's candy! Taste it!!
Sid and Joey dump the
Sid and Joey: Good!!! Want more!!
Rain: Okay.
Rain gives them some more.
Sid: Buzzzzxxxxxxxxeeerrkkk..... I feel no good...
Joey: Me either...
Sid and Joey pass out on the floor.
Rain: Take that, bastards.
*Note to readers - What was in the bottle. Yes, they were pills. Rain is very strange and she collects all different kinds of pills and capsules. Why? Because some of them have such pretty colors. She has everything in this bottle ranging from Prozac, to Codeine, to Tylonal and so on. Some people collect baseball cards, she collects pills. Lovely. Freak.
Chris: Dude, it's fucking hot in here. Let's go outside.
Everyone walks outside (even Shawn, he's walking on his stubs), except for Sid and joey who are still passed out.
Echo: (clinging to Mick) WHAT WE DOIN' HONEY!!!
Mick: Grrr.... getting off arm... is what...
Mick slings Echo into a tree. The scent of raspberries disappears.
Crow: Dude, what the fuck is going on?
Rain: Echo cam for a visit.
Crow: Who the fuck is Echo?
Rain: Nevermind...
Jim: When did we get a fucking skylight?
Craig: Oh, I won this contest and they put it in.
Jim: What kind of contest?
Craig: (silence)
Jim: Something to do with butterflies (shivers), right?
Craig nods his head.
Jim: You ate the most butterflies?
Craig grins.
Jim: Good. The bastards need to stay the fuck away from me...
Shawn and Mick decide that they want to play hopscotch... on the roof of the camper. Mick draws the hopscotch thing on the roof.
Shawn: You go first, goddamit!
Mick: Grrrr... no.. damn.. way... you first...
Shawn: Goddamit!! Okay!
Shawn begins hopping on his stubs across the campers top. He makes it to the end.
Shawn: Your goddamn turn!
Mick does it and makes it through. Meanwhile, Rain and Crow have noticed a huge bee-hive in one of the trees, and are throwing things at it. Craig walks over.
Crow: Dattie!!
Crow hugs Craig. Craig shakes him off.
Crow: Poo.
Crow throws a rock at the bee-hive and a spider falls down and lands near Rain.
Rain: Oh, shit!!! No, get away!!
Rain runs over and jumps on top of her magic cinder block.
Rain: You can't get me now, bitch!!!
The spider runs at Rain and her cinder block, but is stopped by some invisible force-field.
Rain: I told you to leave me the fuck alone!!!
Crow steps on the spider.
Rain: Yay!
Rain jumps off of the cinder block. Just as she does, and invisible kitty and a cock run up to Crow.
Crow: Goddamn invisible kitty! Quit rubbing against my leg!! And you! You goddamn cock!! Get the hell offa my head, and quit spitting white stuff all over me!!
Crow jumps up on Rain's magic cinder block.
Rain: Noooo... mean....
Crow: Jessika!! Come get your invisible kitty and your cock offa me!!
Jessika walks up.
Jessika: But they love you!!
Crow: Okay, so.. get them offa me!!
Jessika grabs her invisible kitty and her cock.
Jessika: Damn you guys for running away from me! You gonna get a spanking!
Jessika walks through a tree and disappears.
Rain: Craig, dude. Headbutt the tree.
Craig shrugs and headbutts the tree. The bee-hive falls to the ground.
Crow: Oh, shit!!
Rain: Fuuuuuun!!!!!
Crow and Rain run away from the tree. Craig is swarmed by bees, but is not stung because of the helmet. The bees give up and leave. Craig walks up to Crow and Rain.
Craig: You bastards left me for the bees, didn't you?
Rain: You would've left too.
Craig nods his head agreeing with Rain.
Crow: I wuv my dattie!!
Craig: NO. Don't even think about it.
Crow pouts.
Back on the roof...
Mick: GO GRRRDAMN YOU!!!
Shawn: Okay, okay...
Shawn begins doing the one footed hop, and hits the skylight. He falls through and lands beside Sid and Joey. Who have woken up, but are still dazed. They stumble outside. Everyone outside is laughing at Shawn.
Joey: What the fuck was in that candy?
Rain: Uh, food.
Joey: Uh-huh... and what the fuck just happened?
Sid: Buuuuzzzzz.... yeah?
Rain: Oh. That. That was hilarious. You missed it. Mick and Stubby hopscotch on roof. Stubby go through skylight. Stubby have stubs. Stubby hop on stubs. Stubby go through skylight on one stub hop!
Sid and Joey begin laughing.
Shawn: (upset) Dammit! Goddamn you all to hell! I want my fucking feet back!!!
Shawn crawls over to a phonebook and looks up something. He then grabs the phone and dials a number.
Shawn: Uh, yeah. Are you the Shaman?
Of course, we can't hear the other end. So, we'll just hafta use Shawn's end...
Shawn: You are? That's damn good, man. I lost my fucking feet and I need you to do a spell so I can get them back!!
Shawn listens on the phone.
Shawn: What do you mean, "have I checked in the washing machine"? They fucking fell off! I didn't misplace them!!!
Shawn listens.
Shawn: You gonna come today? Okay, good. When should I expect you?
Voodoo Shaman: (standing behind Shawn) Right now.
Shawn: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?!
Voodoo Shaman: Magick. Miss Cleo taught me!
Shawn: Oh.. okay.. fix my feet, goddammit!
The Voodoo Shaman begins chanting something over Shawn's stubs. Some sparkley stuff falls off his fingers, then Shawn's stubs get hit by lightening, and he has feet again!
Shawn: Thanks, man!!! How much for that?
Voodoo Shaman: You can repay me... WITH A HOAGIE!
Joey: GODDAMMIT!!!! Q-VAR!! IS THAT YOU!!!
The Shaman grins.
Q-Var: Hell yeah, man. I want mah fuckin' hoagie, yo.
Joey: ALL FUCKING RIGHT, ALREADY!!!
Joey runs into the kitchen and slaps together a hoagie in about two seconds and hands it to Q-Var.
Q-Var: Thanks, yo!
Q-Var disappears. By this time, Shawn is already drunk off his ass and passed out on the floor.
Joey: Paul! C'mere! I got something for ya!
Paul walks over and Joey hands him some powder.
Joey: Snort.
Paul does, and Joey begins laughing.
Joey: DUDE!! HAHA!! YOU JUST SNORTED KURT COBAIN!!!
Paul: Damn you... why am I so high then?
Paul falls to the ground and goes stiff from the embalming fluid.
Corey: Joey? Gimme your rubber bands!!!
Joey hands Corey his rubber bands, and Corey puts them right back on Shawn's ankles.
Corey: (whispering in Shawn's ear) May Fools, bitch.
Oh, no!! Not again!! Yes, again! You mother fucker!! Rain is fucking sick of fucking typing!! She has typed about 3/4th's of this fucking story.. and she is soooooo fucking ill right now. So, get your ass back to the humor page!!!