Jerry Springer show starts. Jerry comes out. Audience cheers.


Jerry: Hello everyone and welcome to the show.


Audience cheers.


Jerry: Today, we have a collage of old episodes, features members of the band Slipknot, and the kind folks from their humor site, ShiT-NoT!!


Audience cheers.


Jerry: Would you stop that, already?


Audience laughs.


Jerry: Our first bit is taken from our show, "I Can't Help Myself, I Have A Crush On My Farm Animals" and features members Chris Fehn, Mick Thompson, and Corey Taylor, and of course, Rain and Crow. Take a look.


Jerry: We're here today, talking with people who have crushes on their farm animals. I'd like to introduce now, Chris Fehn. Chris, tell us what happened.


Chris: Well, I was working at the farm one day, and I looked over, and I saw Janine. Well, she looked at me, and something in her eyes said, "Come on, big boy," and I couldn't help myself.


Jerry: What did you do?


Chris: Well, I walked over....and.....I screwed my sheep.


Audience makes disgusted noise. Rain stands up.


Rain: You frickin' pervert!!! I thought you loved Mimi!!!


Jerry: Okay! Let's see Janine!! Come on out!


Some lady walks out, the audience gasps, and then they see the sheep she's leading on a leash. Sheep walks in front of audience, and everyone sees it's bloody ass.


Jerry: Have you had relationships with Janine lately, Chris?


Chris: Yeah, about five minutes before the show started.


Jerry: That would explain a lot. Like what that white substance dripping out of the sheeps ass is.


Audience laughs.


Okay, now we'd like to bring out a friend of Chris' that can help explain more about this whole Janine thing, Corey Taylor!


Corey comes out. Corey looks over at Janine the sheep. Suddenly...


Corey: Oh, my god!!! It's Denise Richards!!!


Corey runs over and begins humping the sheep. Jerry panicks. Audience laughs. Rain and Crow cheer.


Jerry: Corey! Corey! Calm down!!!


Chris runs over, and begins thrusting his nose down the sheeps throat.


Jerry: Corey! Chris! Quit gang banging the sheep!!!


Corey and Chris sit down. Corey looks over at Janine.


Corey: (sighing) Was it good for you, too?


Janine: Baaaaaaa!!!


Corey: I don't care if you didn't cum yet! I did! That's all that matters!!!


Guys in audience cheer. Girls in audience boo. Rain and Crow first flip off, and then tell audience to...


Rain and Crow: SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU PUNK ASS BASTARDS!!!


Rain and Crow sit down. Everyone shuts up.


Rain: Let the fuckin' perverts speak.


Corey: Hey, you about ready to go again?


Janine: Baaaaa!!!!


Corey: Fuck you, too, then!!!


Jerry: Well, it seems that Chris' friends like sodomizing animals too!!!


Audience laughs.


Jerry: Quit it already!!!


Audience laughs.


Jerry walks around and punches the hell out of several audience members. Audience quits laughing.


Jerry: Maybe that'll get you to shut the hell up and let these freaks speak.


A priest walks through the door, waving a cross and a bible. Several nuns follow, and begin handing out mini-Bibles to the crowd.


Priest: I banish thee, Satan!!


Priest walks up to the stage, staring directly at Chris and Corey.


Priest: I banish thee!! These people will no longer listen to the spread of your lies!!! I banish thee!!!


The priest steps onstage. Suddenly...


Corey: OH, MY GOD!!! IT'S DENISE RICHARDS!!!


Corey tackles the priest, and begins humping him, aiming for that little white collar thing they wear. When priest gets up, he's whiter than before.


Corey: (sighing) Was it good for you, too?


Priest: (sighing) Best I've ever had. ONLY I've ever had.


Priest stands up and motions to nuns.


Priest: Let's go. They're not Satan. Even if they were, though, anybody that can fornicate that good should be able to do what they want...


Jerry: Okay. And on that note, I think we should bring out another friend of Chris', Mick Thompson, and his puppy-kitten, Mimi!!!


Jerry: Okay, Mick. What can you tell us about Chris' zoophilia?


Mick: Grrrrrrrrrr.....stay.....away....from....puppy-kitten!!!!!!!!


Jerry: What are you talking about?


Chris: What he's talking about is...


Mimi: (interrupting Chris) Chris screwed me too!


Chris: Shut up, you cunt! You molested me!


Mick clubs Chris. Steve comes on stage. Mick whips around and looks at Steve. Steve whimpers like a little lost puppy and sits down.


Commercial Break. Afflack commercial with the duck. Duck goes to 1313 Webfoot Drive. Occupant of the house is surprised to see another talking duck.

Donald Duck: Quack quack quack well hello duckie!

Afflack Duck: Afflack!

Donald: Whuzzat?

Afflack: Afflack!

Donald gets pissed. You know how it goes. Donald kicks ass. Donald stomps on Afflack Duck and Afflack Duck gets dead. Yay!!!!


Jerry: Okay, we're back with hilarious out takes from past episodes featuring Slipknot! Next comes the episode entitled, "Help! I Have A Faerie Attached To My Leg!" and features Mick Thompson and Crow, or "Echo" as he kept referring to himself.


Jerry: Okay, we're here talking today to Mick Thompson, who says that he was walking home one day, when a little faerie named Crow...


Crow: MY NAME IS ECHO!!! GETTIT RIGHT, BITCH!!!


Jerry: Okay, a faerie named "Echo" attached itself to his leg, sat on his foot, and would not let go. Have you tried pulling him off, Mick?


Mick: Grrrrrr....yeah....tried pulling....burning....clubbing.....prying....everything.....


Echo: DON'T BURN ME NO DAMN MORE!!! HURT LIKE HELL!!!


Echo rubs on Mick's leg.


Echo: YOU KNOW YOU'RE MY BITCH, RIGHT?!?


Mick: (confused) Grrrr?


Echo: REALLY? OMIGOD! YOU REALLY WANT TO MARRY ME?!


Echo starts shedding happy tears.


Mick: Grrrrrrrr.......Mick.....marry....fruit.....filled.....faerie....? Grrrrrrr!!!!


Mick clubs Echo. Rain laughs.


Jerry: And you say that he never lets go? Explain.


Mick: Grrrrr....yeah....him be mean....him sprinkle sticky faerie dust......stuck to leg....


Jerry: You mean, he came on your leg and got stuck?


Echo wakes up.


Echo: NO, DUMBASS!!!! I SPRINKLED MY GLITTERY FAERIE DUST ON HIS LEG!!! THEN I CHAINED MYSELF ON!!! SEE? OR ARE BLIND AND STUPID???


Jerry: I don't like your attitude.


Echo: I DON'T LIKE YOUR FACE, BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME COMPLAINING, NOW DO YOU?


Rain: (sing song voice) Echo's being a mean little whore bitch...la dee da...


Jerry: You can say that again.


Echo: AND YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK, TOO!!!


Jerry: You gotta come off Mick's leg, first.


Echo thinks about this, makes a slight movement, and then grabs back onto Mick's leg for dear life.


Mick: Grrrrrr...cutting....off....circulation....


Jerry: Haven't seen anything that tight since that time I was with a virgin stripper!!!!


Echo: YOU GOTTA GROW ONE, FIRST!!!


Jerry: Okay, screw this. I'm sick of listening to this, let's cut to the "Day in the Life of Mick" video.


Video starts. It shows a disgruntled looking Mick with a very happy Echo attached to his leg. Mick goes around all day with his Faerie Attachment. Mick rakes leaves, tends his garden, and whacks off. Uh, oh, now Mick has to take a piss!!


Jerry: Okay, explain what is happening here Mick: Grrrrrr...as can see.....I try to piss....Echo faerie latched to leg make hard.....have to piss sideways....because Echo faerie is trying to put crotch area in mouth....or catch my piss.....not sure which....little horny Echo faerie......


Echo: YOU KNOW IT!!!!


Echo uses his position to begin humping Mick's leg.


Mick: Grrrrrrrrrrr.....STOP IT!!!! HORNY ECHO FAIRY!!!!!!!!


Echo: I AM A FAERIE!!! NOT A FAIRY!!!! DON'T CALL ME A FAIRY, 'CAUSE I'M A FAERIE!!!!!!


Mick: Grrrrr.....fruit....filled.....faerie....


Echo: I AM NOT A FRUIT!!!! I AM A FAIRY, I MEAN A FAERIE!!!!!!!


Jerry: What the HELL are you talking about?


Echo: FUCK OFF!!! THIS IS BETWEEN ME AND HIM, JACKASS!!!


Jerry begins walking down to the stage.


Jerry: Echo, please refrain from using profa....


Echo: DON'T TOUCH MY MICK, GODDAMN YOU!!!!!!!


Jerry: I wasn't....


Echo: MICK IS MINE!!! MINE AND MINE ONLY!!!


Jerry: Okay, okay. Now, Mick, what is happening here?


Mick: Grrrr...me am pleasuring my best "girl"....


Video goes full screen, and we see a naked Mick rolling around in bed with some naked bear. As should be expected, Echo is wrapped onto Mick's leg.


Echo: CAN I JOIN IN???


Mick: Grrrrr.....NO!!!!!! ME AM NOT SCREWING OF GUY!!!


Echo: BUT I'M A FAERIE!!!!


Mick: Grrrrrrrr......SHUT UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! DAMMIT YOU MAKUM ME CAME TOO SOON!!!!


Echo: OH! LET'S GO AGAIN!!!! FUN RIDE!!! FUN RIDE!!!!


Mick gets off and turns off his Jeffrey Dahmer band cd.


Mick: Grrrrrr...so much for mood music....


Jerry: You know what I think Mick? I think you need to do some about your fruit-filled friend. Yes, what do you want ma'am?


Lady: I think you need to kick that free-dwelling little faerie bum to the curb!!!!


Echo: YEAH? AND I THINK YOU NEED TO GO SEE JENNY CRAIG!!!! AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT HAIR, CAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE A BIG FLAMING BAG OF SHIT!!! FREE-DWELLING? SHIT, AT LEAST I TOOK A BATH THIS MORNING, BITCH! LOOK AT YOU!!!


Crowd goes "oooooooooooo", cause they know the fat, redneck lady been shut down. She sits down again.


Echo: YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT, BITCH, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!!!


Echo grabs groin and thrusts crotch towards the fugly bitch. Mick clubs Echo.


Mick: Grrrrr....THAT'S MY MOM!!!!


Lady: No I'm not!!!


Mick: Dammit!! Grr....thought you were my mom!!!! Mommy!!! Where are you mommy???


Mick begins to freak out, spinning around in circles, with a limp, unconscious Echo still clinging to his leg.


Commercial break. Commercial for Firestone tires. "The perfect tool for people who want to rob banks at night. Or international terrorists."


Jerry: Welcome back. Okay, if you liked that episode, get ready for the next, 'cause it's a doozy. Okay, this episode is entitled, "Help, I'm A Straight Guy That Dresses Like A Girl!" and it features Joey Jordison. Take a look.


Jerry: Let's introduce our first guest, uhm, Joey!


Joey comes out. Everyone boos. Joey is wearing a skimpy skirt. Males in the audience cheer. Not Crow, though. Instead, Crow does a wolf whistle.


Joey: What then, hoes? You just mad 'cause you don't look this good!


Jerry: Ah, yes. Uhm, so, Mr. Joey Fontane...


Joey: IT'S JOEY JORDISON, YOU STUPID LITTLE SHIT!!! DON'T MISTAKE ME FOR SOME LITTLE TEENYBOPPER SLUT!!! I'LL COME UP THERE AND SHOVE MY SCROTUM DOWN YOUR THROAT!!!


Jerry: Okay, okay, Mr. Jordison. What was it you wanted to tell everyone?


Joey stands up and slaps his own ass.


Joey: Who wants a piece of this?!


Gay Dude Named Charlie: I do! I do!


Joey: Okay!! You payin'?


Charlie: Yeah!!


Joey: Let's go!!


Charlie: How much?


Joey: $300.


Charlie What can I get for $100?


Joey: I'll rub against your thing!


Charlie runs up on stage. Joey rubs against thing.


Joey: Feel you up for $150!


Charlie looks at his friend.


Charlie: Lemme get $50!


Charlie's Friend: Here pal!


Joey: For $200, I'll feel up both of you!


Crow: I have $200!! Do me!


Joey: Okay!


Joey throws Charlie to ground and runs to Crow.


One of those technical difficulties screens pops up, which just means, "We're sorry, we can't show you this"....but they forgot to block out the sound....all you can hear is Crow and Joey moaning...


Show comes back on, and Crow looks pleased. Joey looks happy too.


Joey: (to Crow) You gonna call me, right?


Crow: Yeah, whatever...(mutters)no way.


Joey: I heard that!!


Joey tries to run to the audience. Phil catches Joey by the shirt collar. Joey can't go anywhere. Joey sits down. He then stands up and tries again, but he gets the same results.


Joey: C'mon bitch! C'mon! I thought you loveded me!!


Joey starts to cry. Then, Joey starts girly walking around the stage.


Joey: Hey! Anybody want to see what's under my skirt?!


Crow: I do! I do!


Joey tugs skirt upwards.


Crow: OH, GOD! I GOT OFF ON A GUY! OH, SHIT!!!


Rain: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!


Audience joins in.


Audience: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!


Jerry: What are you yelling my name for?


(audience laughs)


Crow: 'Cause you're so hot!


Rain: Jerry! Go rub Joey's ass! He wants you too!


Jerry does.


Joey: (moans) Oh, baby!


Crow: Quittit! You're turning me on!!


Jerry tries to talk.


Joey gets bitchy.


Jerry: Why you bein' so bitchy?


Rain: He's bleeding from the ass! He's having his ass period!


Joey: Yeah! That shit hurts!!


Crow: Tell me about it!


Joey: Well you know what? I'll be your Barbie girl, and you can be my big Ken!


Commercial break. Tampax commercial, starring Joey. "When I start on my ass period, I immediately grab some Tampax. Can we do the mascu-feminine itching thing now?"


Ready for more? Head on to page two!!!!!