Jerry: Okay, where’s this “Greg” guy at?
Steve: I don’t know where the hell he’s at. He needs to come on out before I go back there and kick his ass, though.
Craig comes out, and headbutts Steve. Suddenly, some glass breaks, some music starts and Steve’s twin brother, also named Steve, comes out. He guzzles some beer and flips off Craig.
Stone Cold: If ya want me to kick him square in his ass, give me a hell yeah!
Audience (minus Rain and Crow): Hell yeah!!!
Rain and Crow: Fuck you!!!
Stone Cold attempts to hit Craig with his finisher, the Stone Cold Stunner. Stone Cold kicks, Craig grabs his foot, and headbutts “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Craig then goes and sits down.
Jerry: So, Greg, what did you want to tell us?
Craig gives Jerry a mean look.
Crow: (tugging on Jerry’s pants leg) Mr. Springer Man, his name is Craig. SAY IT RIGHT, DUMBASS!!!
Jerry: Okay, Craig. What did you want to say?
Silence.
Jerry: Craig? What is it?
Silence.
Jerry: Craig, speak.
Silence.
Jerry: Are you going to talk?
Craig shakes his head no.
Jerry: So, you’re just wasting our time?
Craig nods his head yes.
Jerry: You’re unbelievable….
Craig stands up and points at his ass.
Jerry: Did you just call me an ass?
Crow: I think he told you to kiss his ass.
Rain: I think he told you to climb back up in his ass.
Suddenly, the back doors fly open, and Tony Hawk comes flying down the aisle on his skateboard. Tony attempts to Ollie up the steps at the stage, yelling "die, Satan, die" the whole time. He fucks up and misses, and busts his ass. Craig runs over and headbutts him.
Crow: Yay!!! Now I’m the greatest boarder in all the land!!!
Crow runs down and steals Tony’s board. He rides down the steps, and tries to ollie. The board goes about an inch and a half off the ground, and Crow busts his ass. Craig runs over and tries to headbutt him, but Crow has just enough sense to get away in time.
Craig: Dammit!!! Come back here!!!
Jerry: Oh, so you’re gonna talk now?
Craig nods his head yes.
Jerry: So what do you want to say?
Craig lifts his fist, with the third finger raised.
Some shitty commercial comes on.
Craig: I’m number one.
Jerry: And we're back with more Slipknot episodes! This one is entitled, “Honey, I’m Cheating On You, With Our Farm Animals!” and is staring Paul Grey!
Jerry: So, Paul. You’ve been cheating on your wife, and you brought her on national television to tell her?
Paul: Snort, snort, yeah.
Jerry: Yeah, well, that’s just great. What a thoughtful thing to do.
Paul: I’m a thoughtful guy.
Jerry: Ever heard of sarcasm?
Paul: Isn’t that like when you cum?
Jerry: No, that’s orgasm.
Paul: Oh. Well, then, no.
Jerry: Thought so. Well, here’s Paul’s wife, Paula, and their son, Oinkbert!!!
Paula and Oinkbert come out, stark ass naked.
Crow: Eeeeeeyyyyyeeeeeewwwwwww!!!! Sic dude!!!
Rain: Suuuuueeeeeeeeyyyyy!!!! Here, piggie, piggie!!!! Want some apple cores?
Rain and Crow begin pelting Paula and Oinkbert with apple cores.
Oinkbert: Apple cores taste good!!!
Crow: Toes taste better!!!
Oinkbert: Mimi’s toes taste real good!!!
Suddenly, Mick leaps down from the rafters. He lands in front of Oinkbert.
Mick: Grrrr…you….eat….Mimi….toes……
Mick begins clubbing Oinkbert. Suddenly…
Mimi: Heeeeeeeelllllppppp mmmmmeeeeeeee!!!!!
Mimi the puppy-kitten begins falling from the rafters. Mick runs to catch her, but doesn’t make it in time!!! Mimi lands in Crow’s lap.
Crow: Hey, baby! How you doin’?
Mick runs over and clubs Crow.
Crow: Ow!!! That hurt!!! (eyes light up) Do it again!!!
Mick clubs Crow again. Crows eyes light up more, and a sudden hint of raspberry is in the air.
Echo: MY MICK!!! WHERE YOU BEEN??? YOU LEFT ME!!! DON’T EVER LEAVE ME AGAIN!!!
Echo latches onto Mick’s leg. Mick begins panicking, and runs out the door, swatting at Echo the whole time.
Jerry: This is just great. What the hell is going on?
The audience starts raising a raucous, because a goat is wandering among them.
Paul: Amanda, get down here so I can tell Paula that I’m cheating on her with you!!!
Paula: What?
Amanda the goat comes down to the stage.
Paula: Oh, Paul, how could you? (looks at Amanda) And YOU!!! You are nothing more than a little TRAMP!!!
Janiqua stands up in the audience.
Janiqua: Jerry, I’d just like to say, that the little ho right there…
Jerry: Amanda.
Janiqua: Yeah, and that guy right there…
Jerry: Paul.
Janiqua: Go and cheat on her right there…
Jerry: Paula.
Janiqua: Yeah, and they don’t haves the decency to tell her about it? Naw, fool, I be done kicked them to the curb!!! Schyeah, if I was her farm animal, I’da been done told her we was cheatin’ on her so that she could get out of the way and let me and my man concentrate on each other!!!
Audience starts cheering. Paula looks over at Amanda, and starts crying.
Paula: After I milked you everyday, this is how you treat me?
Paul: I’m sorry, honey…
Paula: Don’t you honey me!!!
Jerry: So, Paula. Are you gonna stay with Paul?
Paula: I don’t know…I just don’t know….
Paul goes over, and kisses Amanda.
Paula: No. I’m gonna leave him.
Audience cheers.
Paul: Hear that Amanda? We can concentrate on making children, now.
And another shit commercial.
Jerry: We have yet another Slipknot Show to show you people, “Grant A Dying Kid’s Last Wish”!!
Jerry: Okay, we’re here today to grant dying kid’s last wishes. Please welcome Corey, a burn victim we found today.
Corey comes out protesting that he’s not really a burn victim, that he’s just wearing a mask.
Jerry: We’re all wearing masks, Corey.
Rain: Yeah, Jerry’s wearing a mask of a straight guy!!! Talk about trying to be what you’re not!!!
Jerry: Okay, that’s enough out of you!!!
Crow: Dude, I smell Geritol!!!
Rain: WHICH ONE OF YOU OLD WRINKLY LADIES BEEN USING GERITOL???
All the old ladies in the audience (or should we say all of the audience except Rain and Crow?) raise their hand.
Rain: Oh. Well, then….PASS IT OVER HERE!!!
Rain and Crow get pelted with thousands of Geritol bottles.
Jerry: Okay, Corey. What do you want most in the world?
Corey: Denise Richards.
Jerry: You want to meet Denise Richards?
Corey: No, I want to HAVE Denise Richards!!! Bring her on so we can screw!!!
Jerry: Well, we couldn’t get Denise Richards, but we got someone wearing a Denise Richards mask!!! Come on out!!!
Lady wearing Denise Richards mask comes out. Corey looks over and sees her. Suddenly…
Corey: Oh, my god!!! It’s REALLY Denise Richards!!!
Corey runs over and begins humping the mask’s earhole.
Corey: Oh, fuck!!! God damn you’re tight aren’t you? Oh, my god!!! Oh, shit!!! Oh, shit, I’m cumming!!!!! Ah, hell, this is too damn early!!!!
Several old ladies in the audience begin clutching their chests. Jerry, sensing the majority of his audience is about to have heart attacks, runs down and grabs Corey by the ear. He pulls Corey off of the lady, sits down, and puts Corey across his knee.
Jerry: Where did you learn such foul language, young man?
Jerry begins spanking Corey.
Corey: I learned it from watching your show!!!
Suddenly, Corey spaces out, and when he realizes where he is, all he can remember is Denise Richards, then getting spanked. He comes to think that it is Denise that is spanking him.
Corey: Oh, yeah, baby!! Give it to me hard, Denise!!! I like it rough!!!
Jerry: OKAY, YOU SICK BASTARD!!! GET THE HELL OFF OF MY SHOW!!!
Most of the old ladies then die.
Let me the fuck outta here!!!