Computer: WELcOme to---
Shawn: We already know where the fuck we are! My granmaw lives here!
Computer: I MUST grEET you.
Shawn: No the hell you don't!
The computer rambles on. Shawn has turned the speakers down.
Craig: Now we won't know when it's through.
Shawn: Goddammit.
Craig turns the volume back up.
Computer: ARE you REAdy for yOUr first missION?
No one answers.
Computer: AlRIGHT! We WILL BEgin!
Shawn: (punches the screen) No one answered, you ass!!
Computer: For the FIrst MissION! The PERson holding theIR nUTs is the naviGATOR.
Corey punches Craig.
Corey: You bastard! Why'd you put that in there?!
Craig: Silence.
Corey: Uhhh...
Craig: Silence.
Computer: The DILdo nose will BE the safety FOR THE shit-EATing clowN, who will be doING the dARE.
Chris and Shawn: True...
Corey: Mine is too, but he didn't have to put it in there!!
Chris: Well, what am I supposed to do?
Craig: You're the safety for the shit-eating clown. You follow him to where ever he goes, wait for him to do the dare, then come back with him.
Chris: Seems easy.
Computer: YES. WELL, you CaN GO with THIS. YOU CAN GO with THAT. I AM ChristoPHER WalkEN.
Corey: Shut the fuck up, bitch.
Computer: NO. I will NOT shut UP.
Shawn: Yes the hell you will.
Computer: No, I WILL n---
Shawn turned the speakers down again.
Chris: We don't know where to go now, bud.
Shawn: Goddammit!!
Shawn turns the speakers back up.
Computer: ---and I DON'T caRE if YOU eat SHIT AAAAANNDdd Fuuccck goOOOaaAAAtttSS, you NASTY bitch--- OH! WhY I'm BACK---
Chris: Where the fuck do we go?!
Computer: OkAY. The DILdo nose and THE shit-EATing cLown... are TO go to the FIrst flOOR. The PerSON hoLDINg their NUts will tell you the reST.
Chris: Uh, okay.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT! WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THE FIRST DARE!!! I'VE NEVER SEEN THE GODDAMN SHOW, SO WHAT MAKES ME SO DAMN SPECIAL?!
Computer: YOU WERE chosen.
Shawn: Oh, okay.
Chris: Let's go, dude.
Shawn: Uh-huh....
Craig: Wait.
Shawn and Chris: Huh?
Craig: You need these.
Craig tosses Shawn and Chris some walkie-talkies.
Shawn: Goddammit! These are the two-damn-dolla kind!!
Craig: And you need these.
Craig hands them each a hand held cam 'corder.
Corey: I thought they were supposed to have some damn kind that sits on their shoulders on something.
Craig: They were. The last damn people got so scared and broke 'em and shit. And you know who fucking cheap MTV is...
Corey: Yeah... the don't show porn. THEY FUCKING SUCK!
Shawn: How do I turn it on?
Corey: YOU TAKE YOUR CLO---
Craig elbowed Corey in his stomach.
Everyone (minus the doubled-over Corey): You push the damn button!!!
Shawn: (jabbing the button numerous times) GOTCHA!
Craig: Now it's off, you fuck! Push it once until the red light comes on!!!
Shawn: Oh...
Shawn listens.
Chris: Let's go, man.
Joey: Bye, daddy!!!
Sid: Buzzzzzxxx.... bye.... clown... Shawn... daddy....
Shawn: Yeah, yeah...
Shawn and Chris walk out of the room, and head towards the first floor.
Corey: Dude!!! Hell yeah!! C'mere!!! Porn!! Yeah!!!
Sid: Buzxxzx? Where?
Corey: You!!! You Said XXX!!! Gimme!!!
Sid: Buzzzz.... idiot....
3 minutes later on the second floor
Corey: (behind Shawn and Chris) YOU FAGGOTS ARE SO GODDAMN SLOW!!! LET'S GO!!!
This scared the shit out of Shawn, but Chris realized who it was.
Chris: You bastard. You aren't supposed to be down here.
Corey: Oh... I'm not?
Chris: No. Get your ass back to that room, get on the skank ass walkie-talkie and tell us where to go!!
Corey: Well, I thought I could fuckin' show ya a helluva lot quicker!!
In the meantime, Shawn has been in the corner changing his mask and clothes.
Shawn: You are such a bastard, man!
Corey: What are you doing?
Shawn: Nothing, nothing.
It's really dark in the corner, so Corey can't see what's going on.
Corey: Dude?
Shawn: Huh?
Corey: What the fuck are you doing?
Shawn: Nothing!
Two seconds later, Shawn jumps out of the corner wearing a giant squash costume, with his penis hanging out the front of it.
Shawn: BOO GODDAMMIT!!! BOO!!!!
Corey: HOLY FUCK!!!!
Corey runs back to the room.
Shawn: There, goddammit!!
Chris: Dude that's fucked.
Shawn: Yeah, I know.
Chris: You know what's just as good as cornbread?
Shawn: A Snapple jar?
Chris: No! Squash cakes!!
Shawn: Goddamn hick.
Chris: Shut up.
Shawn takes off the squash costume, puts his clown mask back on, and slings his jumpsuit over his right shoulder.
Shawn: Let's go.
Chris: Naked?
Shawn: Hell yeah!!
Chris: Alright...
On the first floor
Chris: (to Corey over the walkie-talkie) Dude, where do we go now?
Corey: Uh... uh.... uhhhh..... keep walking until you see a hallway.
Chris: Which side of the hallway?
Corey: Uhhhhhh..... the right!
Chris: Okay---
Shawn grabbed Chris' walkie-talkie, even though he had one of his own.
Shawn: (female voice) I'm naked and horny as hell, baby!!
Corey: Hell yeah!!! What do you look like, honey?
Shawn: Weeeeellllll..... I'm really really hot, i have looooooong blonde hair, giant tits.... and a nice snappin' pussy.
George: (mumbling) Aw, hell. It's that fucking clown...
Corey: (whacking off) Whuhja say?
George: Nothing.
Corey: (to Shawn) So, can you show me what you look like?
Shawn: Sure thing, honey. What would you like to see?
Corey: Uh, your... uh....
George: Say snappin' pussy!
Corey: YOUR SNAPPIN' PUSSY!!
Shawn: Alright, sweetie. Here goes.
Shawn takes his camcorder, and shoves it right up to his crotch for Corey to see.
Corey: GAAAAAH!!! NOOOOO!!! THAT'S NOT A SNAPPIN' PUSSY!! THAT'S A GODDAMN CLOWN COCK!!! AHHHG!!!! FUCK DUDE!!! GODDAMMIT!!!
Shawn: Haha, bitch.
Chris grabs his walkie-talkie back.
Chris: Dude, we found the half door thing... now what?
Corey: Uh, go inside.
Chris ducks down and goes through the half door. Shawn is too busy with the camcorder and his crotch so he walks right into the top half of the door.
Shawn: OW FUCK!!! GODDAMMIT!!!
Shawn steps back and the camera shows that his big red clown nose, is big and red. Like it was before... Hmmmm... 'Cept this time, it has a bit of blood pouring from it.
Shawn: Fuck!
Everyone in the room is laughing.
Sid: (on Corey's walkie-talkie) Buzzzzz!!!! Shawn, clown.... daddy!!! You fucketh yourself up!!!
Shawn: Shut up!!
Shawn ducks down and goes under the door. Chris is waiting for him.
Chris: Ha. Dude, why don't you put that in a Snapple bottle?
Shawn: What?
Chris: The blood!
Shawn: Oh yeah!!
Shawn pulls a Snapple bottle out of the back of his mask, and holds it up to his nose.
Chris: Now you'll have a whole new kinda goodie...
Shawn grins.
Chris: (to Corey) Now what?
Corey: You're in another hallway.
Chris: Yeah, I fucking noticed!! I meant where do we go!
Corey: Oh... um.... walk to the fucking end and turn left.
Shawn and Chris do so. Shawn decided to put his jumpsuit back on, because it was getting hot. Why keep 'em off when it's hot? That's what the cold is for!
Chris: And?
Corey: Okay, you're supposed to stay there, and the clown is to go.... to the last door on the left and enter.
Chris: You heard him. Get your damn ass moving.
Shawn: 'K.
Shawn goes to the last door on the left. He goes to turn the doornob, and the door flies open! Oh no! Hands reach out, grab the screaming Shawn, and pull him in. Chris sees this and runs screaming back to the room.
Chris: THEY GOT HIM!! THEY FUCKING GOT HIM!!!! THE FUCKING HANDS REACHED OUT AND FUCKING DRUG HIM IN THERE!!!
Corey: DUDE, I FUCKING SAW!!! Well... I guess it's a good thing that he put his damn clothes on!!
Chris: BUT THEY GOT HIM!!!
Shawn comes in on the walkie-talkie.
Shawn: Dude, now this fucking shit ain't fucking funny!!! The goddamn hands tried to finger me and then eat me, so I pulled muh butcher knife out muh pocket, cut the mother fuckers up, and stuck 'em in my goddamn Snapple jars!!! YOU GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKERS!!! TAKE THAT!!! Dude, they're still moving in the goddamn bottles!!
Corey: Dude! You---
Chris grabs the walkie-talkie.
Chris: DUDE!! YOU'RE FUCKING ALIVE, BUD!!! I THOUGHT THEY GOT YOU!!
Shawn: Hell naw, dude! I'm fine!! Now get your ass back down here!!
Chris: Alright.
Chris leaves to go back there and wait for Shawn.
Shawn: Where do I go from here?
Corey: Okay, do you see a green door?
Shawn: Yeah.
Corey: Go through the bitch.
Shawn: Are you sure?
Corey: Yeah, man. That's what the fucker says to do.
Shawn: Okay...
Shawn gets a running start, and goes through the door like Corey told him to do.
Corey: I meant open the mother fucker, and walk through it. Not break the bitch down.
Shawn: Well, you said...
Corey: Never mind. Okay, do you see another green door?
Shawn: Yuh-huh...
Corey: Open the door, and walk through.
Shawn: Bitch...
Shawn walks through the door.
Shawn: What now?
Corey: ---and then Spiderman came crashing through the fucking window and kicked the shit out of the bad guys!!
Joey: Yay!!!
Sid: Buzzzx!! More!!
Shawn: WHAT IN THE GODDAMN HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
Corey: Oh, I was telling Joey and Sid some bedtime stories, and I didn't realize I was holding the button down...
Shawn: That's my goddamn job!!!
Corey: You're not up here.
Shawn: Oh yeah. Tell me what the fuck I need to do.
Corey: Go... and sit in the chair in the middle of the room.
Shawn: That's all?
Corey: For now.
Shawn sits in the chair.
Shawn: Uh-huh...
A note floats down from the ceiling and lands in Shawn's lap.
Shawn: Dude, a note just fell on me...
Corey: Yeah. Read it out loud.
Shawn: Okay...
Shawn clears his throat.
Shawn: You are now sitting in the chair where Marshall Mathers, AKA Eminem, the leader of the gay parade, was brutally murdered by 8 boys under the age of seven, whom he was trying to have sexual relations with. One young boy bit Mather's penis off, and the other proceeded to leave his entrails hanging from the light fixture.
Mick: Grrrr... fucking awesome...
Shawn: His penis was never found. Your mission is to find it. It is somewhere in this room, the police were just to goddamn lazy to search for it...
Shawn gets a confused look on his face.
Shawn: Aw shit!! I ain't touching another guy's dick!! Hell no!!! I'll look, but I ain't touching!!
Corey: (laughing) Dude, everyone's cracking the fuck up at that shit. Is that what it really said?
Shawn: Yeah it said that!!
Shawn points the camcorder at the note.
Shawn: See?
Corey: Damn. Get to lookin', bitch.
Shawn: I am...
Shawn begins digging through the boxes in the room he's in.
Shawn: Ooooo!!! Dude!! This is fucking awesome!!!
Corey: What?! You found porn?!
Shawn: No, dude. I found a record!!!
Corey: Who?! What?!
Shawn: I dunno! It's doesn't say... but it's a turntable in here... Sidney Jack-Daniels! Get your ass down her and do this shit!!
Sid: Buzzzxx... okay!!!
Sid flies out of the window, and flies into the window in the room where Shawn is. He slides right down the window, leaving a nice little gut streak on the window.
Sid: Buzzzow!!!
Sid gets up and flies through the crack in the window.
Shawn: How the hell did you find me?
Sid: Buzzz... I followed... shit smell...
Shawn: Oh. Well.. do this shit!!
Sid: (twitching his wing) Buzzxzxzxzzzz.. okay...
Sid sets the 200 year old equipment up.
Shawn: Well?
Sid: Buzz!!! Gimme record!!!
Shawn: Oh yeah... (to Corey) Listen to this shit, man!! I know it's gonna be cool!!
Corey: Alright, dude.
Sid plops the record down, and begins waltzing around the room.
Sid: Buzzzzz... lalala.... c'mon... c'mon....
Shawn: Queer.
Hippie music starts up.
Corey: Uh, dude?
Shawn: Huh?
Corey: What the hell?
Lyrics come in.
Voice: There are many colors in the homo rainbow... don't be afraid to let your colors SHINE!!! SHINE!!! SHINE!!!!
Shawn: GAH!!!! IT'S EMINEM!!!! MAKE IT STOP, SIDNEY!!!
This has scared Sid. He's flown back out the window and is back in the room. He grabs the walkie-talkies from Corey.
Sid: Buzzzzzzxxxx!!! You make it stop!!!!
Eminem: There are many colors in the homo rainbow...
Shawn: AHHHH!!!!!!!
A glowing item floats up from the floor, and floats over to Shawn.
Shawn: Oh shit, dude. YOU GUYS SEE THIS?!
Everyone: Yeah!!!
Shawn: It's Eminem's fucking dick!!
Eminem: Don't be afraid to let your color shine, yo!
Eminem's penis begins thrusting to the music.
Shawn: Aw, hell!!! Kill that shit!!!
Eminem's floating, glowing penis turns bright red, and begins chasing Shawn around the room.
Shawn: No!!! Get away from me!!! I'm not queer!!!
Back in the hall where Chris is
Chris: Damn slow ass clown. Ain't shit to do out here.
A dust bunny hops across the floor to where Chris is sitting.
Chris: Hi there.
The dust bunny twitches it's nose.
Chris: So...
The dust bunny's ears perk up.
Chris: How you doing?
The dust bunny sneezes.
Dust Bunny: I'm allergic to dust.
Chris: Yeah, me too... not really, but you know... hey, you wanna whack me off?
The dust bunny shrugs.
Chris: Cool.
Chris points to his nose. The dust bunny jumps on his nose, and begins humping it.
Chris: Oh... yeah....
Back with Shawn
Shawn: Get the fuck away from me!!!
Everyone upstairs is laughing at Shawn and the penis.
Shawn: God!!! Fuck off!!
Oh no!! The penis caught his ass!! Really! His ass!!
Shawn: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! HELP ME!!! I'VE BEEN VIOLATED!!!
Shawn is still running around the room with the ghost penis humping his ass. Shawn is busy trying to slap the penis off his ass, so he doesn't notice where he's going. He trips over the turntable, and the music stops. The penis falls to the floor.
Shawn: (breathing heavily) WAS IT GOOD FOR YOU?! CAUSE IT SURE AS HELL WASN'T FOR ME!!! YOU BITCH!!!
Shawn stomps on the penis.
Shawn: ASS!!
Corey: (still laughing) Grab it, dude. Then you can leave.
Shawn: I'm not touching that shit!!!
Corey: Uhhh... well, stick it in a Snapple bottle.
Shawn: Okay.
Shawn kicks the penis into a wall, then corners it with the Snapple bottle and pushed into the bottle with the help of the wall.
Shawn: Bitch.
Corey: Dude, Chris?
Chris: YEAH!!!! OH YEAH!!! THAT'S IT, BABY!!! THAT'S FEELS SO DAMN GOOD!!
Corey: Dude, what the hell? Who you fuckin' down there? AND I'M FUCKING MISSING IT!!! GODDAMMIT!!!
Chris: Huh? What? Huh? Oh, hi. It was this hot dust bunny down here, and... well... you wanna talk to---OH MY GOD!!! SHE'S GONE!! I JUST GOT OFF WITH A GHOST DUST BUNNY!!! OH SHIT!!!
Shawn, who's coming down the hall towards Chris, just heard the last part.
Shawn: SHIT?! WHERE?!
Chris jumps up.
Chris: It was a ghost man!!!! And I got off with a ghost!!
Shawn: Ghost shit?
Chris: Grrrr... no... never mind....
Shawn: Dude, I finished my dare thing.
Chris: Oh, really? Cool. Let's go.
Shawn and Chris head back up the thousands of stairs to the room where everyone else is.
Shawn: Fuck you guys for laughing. My ass hurts.
The laughing starts up again.
Joey: DADDY!!!! I'M SO GLAD YOU BE BACK!!! I GOTTA SHIT!!!
Shawn hands Joey a Snapple bottle.
Shawn: Go in the closet.
Joey: Okay.
Craig starts typing in the computer.
Computer: DID the Shit-eatING cloWN complete his DARE?
Craig: Yeah.
Computer: OKAY. Now---
Joey's screaming interrupts the computer.
Joey: OH SWEET JESUS!!!! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!! IT HURTS!!!!
A loud thumping sound in heard.
Joey: (sighing) That's better.
Shawn: You alright, boy?
Joey: Uh-huh, daddy. I feel better. But I got a problem!!!
Shawn: What?
Joey: Well, one of 'em is that my ass is bleeding and the other is that it's too big to go into the bottle!!
Shawn jerks the door open, and reveals a pantsless Joey.
Joey: SHUT THE DOOR! SHUT THE DOOR!!
Shawn: A BIGUN!!! GIMME!!
Joey points to the poo on the floor.
Shawn: OH MY GOD!!! It's huge!!
Joey: My ass hurts...
Joey's standing in a puddle of blood.
Joey: Owie.
Shawn pulls out a pickle jar and stuffs the giant turd in it.
Go on to see the next dare.