Well, it's that time again. That wonderful time of year where the scent of gingerbread and pine trees fill the air.
Shawn: Goddammit, I hate St. Patrick's day.
No, I mean Christmas. Shawn: I know. I just hate St. Patrick's Day. It sucks. All you do is get drunk and pinch people. What the hell?
I thought you liked getting drunk.
Shawn: I do! I just hate it when big, fat, hairy, disgusting, greasy, slobbering, smelly, ugly guys PINCH MY FUCKING ASS!!!
That's lovely.
Shawn: Isn't it, though?
Yeah. Now. As I was saying. It's that time of year again. Is everyone excited? I know I am. It is once again time for Christmas. And what better way to celebrate by spending it with the ones you love? Or, if you can't do that, then a bunch of drunken hippies? Or, if you can't do that, the homeless guy on the street corner who pisses on himself and smells of human (and some very not so human) feces? Or, if you can't do that, then maybe spending it with Slipknot? Fun. Let's go join them now.
Joey: Is Santa coming this year?!? I want to see Santa!!! Where is Santa?
Crow: Uhm...he's at the South Pole, dude.
Joey: I thought he lived at the North Pole!
Crow: You know, that's a common misconception. A lot of people think that. It's not true. I've been to Santa's house, you see. He invited me over for coffee one time. Besides, the North Pole is in the middle of an ocean, with no land anywhere around there, so, unless Santa lives in a submarine or something, I seriously doubt he'd live there.
Joey: Oh. (looks at Sid) Liar! You lied to me!
Sid: (buzzing around frantically) Buuzzuzuzuzzzzzzz...whhhuuuuhhhh? Me no of do baaaaad! Me love of Santa!
Joey: You said he lived at the North Pole! With lots of elves!
Crow: He does live with lots of elves. They dress in tight, skimpy costumes. He rapes them a lot. Did you know they don't have condoms at the South Pole? There's a lot of pregnant elves running around.
Sid: Buuuzzzzzieeeeee...me no do of bad thing! Me no lie! Me want of Santa for visit! Me no of break for Shawn's bottles!
Rain: You broke four of Shawn's Snapple bottles?
Sid: Buuuuzzzzik...no, me broke of eight! (slaps hands over mouth) I mean, me no of break any!
Shawn runs in, covered in shit.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT! WHO BROKE MY BOTTLES?!?
Everyone looks around, then stares at Sid.
Shawn: MY SHIT'S GONNA GO BAD! I'M GONNA HAVE TO BEAT SOME ASS! WHO BROKE MY BOTTLES?!?
Joey: He did!
Joey points to Sid. Sid darts out of the way, so that Joey is pointing to a roll of Brawny paper towels.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT, JIM! BREAKING MY BOTTLES! I'LL BREAK YOU!
Shawn attempts to break the roll of paper towels into shards.
Shawn: Goddamn you! Break!
The paper towels bend.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT! I SAID BREAK!
Rain: Kiss 'em. I dare you.
Shawn kisses the paper towel roll. It breaks.
Rain: Told you.
Shawn: Yeah, GODDAMMIT! FUCK WITH ME!
Rain: Gah, bad idea. Bad vision in head. Guhhhh....
Crow: Full body shivers.
Rain: Yeah.
Joey goes over, and begins hugging on Shawn's leg. He looks up at Shawn.
Joey: Daddy, is Santa gonna visit us this year?
Shawn: I doubt it, boy. You two have been good this year. Don't you know that Santa Crahan only visits bad children?
Joey: But..but..but...I tried to be bad! I really did! Honest!
Shawn: See, there you go! Bad children aren't honest! Bad children lie and cheat and steal! Why don't you learn to misbehave yourself?
Joey: I'll try daddy. If Santa Crahan comes, I promise I'll be good next year.
Shawn: Are you lying to me?
Joey: Yes.
Shawn: That's a bad little boy. Santa might come after all.
Joey: YaY!
Joey and Sid run off to play.
Santa: Goddammit, I'm NOT putting on that damn suit again this year. My damn dick still hurts from last time!
Jim: Shawn, dude, you gotta! You're the only one!
Shawn: Dammit, I hate that fucking fat suit!
Rain: Dude, you didn't wear a fat suit.
Shawn: Yes I did. I had a pillow under my shirt. I'm not fat.
Rain: Okay, dude. Whatever.
Shawn: I'm not! I'm big and beautiful!
Shawn rips off his shirt.
Shawn: See?!?!
Crow: Ooooo, man boobs.
Crow goes over, and tries to play with Shawn's man boobs. Shawn seems a little reluctant at first, but eventually allows him to do so. Crow tweaks Shawn's man boobs.
Shawn: Oh, yeah, baby. Just like that. Do it some more.
Crow: Uhm...no. I changed my mind.
Shawn: Goddammit, do it!
Crow: No!
Rain: Kiss him! That'll make him do it!
Crow: Gahhh! Noooo!
Shawn attempts to kiss Crow. Crow dodges. Shawn kisses Chris instead.
Shawn: Damn, dude. Ugh.
Chris: Hey, gimme some more!
Chris tries to kiss Shawn.
Shawn: Goddammit! Stop!
Chris kisses Shawn.
Chris: Ugh. That time it tasted like poo.
Shawn: Taste it some more!
Shawn kisses Chris.
Crow: Dude...this is getting nasty.
Rain: Wait wait wait. I want to see if they're gonna have gay anal sex.
Crow: No, dude. We better make them stop. I mean....Shawn's got the tongue look in his eyes.
Rain and Crow both barf on the spot.
Shawn: Dammit! Don't waste barf!
Shawn slaps Rain and Crow, and bottles up the barf.
Shawn: There. That's better.
Rain hits Shawn in the back of the head with a frying pan.
Rain: Dammit, don't slap me again. I kill you. I crazy.
Crow: It's the penguins, you know.
Rain: Really.
Chris begins whacking off his nose.
Crow: Dude? In private? Go to the fucking bathroom?
Chris: Not like you've never seen one before.
Crow: Not like I want to see it.
Chris stares at Crow. Crow stares at Chris. Chris slightly strokes his nose.
Crow: Dammit.
Crow takes a paper bag, and plops it down over Chris' head.
Crow: There.
Moaning noises can be heard from within the bag, and the side pops in and out from Chris' whacking.
Crow: Pipe down, dude.
Chris moans some more.
Crow: Damn.
Shawn: If I'm Santa this year, some changes gonna be made.
Crow: Really? How?
Shawn: That damn suit is itchy. I'm gonna get a new suit.
Crow: Okay. Anything else?
Shawn: Yeah. Where the fuck's my slay?
Rain: You mean sleigh.
Shawn: Yeah. And my eight tiny reindeer.
Crow: You ever wonder why it was eight tiny reindeer? And how the fuck they were able to pull Santa's fat ass across the sky?
Rain: Damn, dude.
Shawn: I WANT A FUCKING SLEIGH!!!
Rain: Fine. Build one.
Shawn: I will.
Rain: Oh, shit.
Crow: That'll never work.
Rain: Not a bit.
Shawn runs off to begin work on his Santa stuff.
Crow: Dude....I get the feeling this is going to be FUN.
Later...
Shawn comes down the stairs dressed in his new Santa suit.
Shawn: Like it? I made it myself.
Crow: Goddamn you stink, dude.
Rain: What the hell IS that?
Shawn: Like it? Well..the red part...that's made out of lots of Joey's old bloody tampons. And the trim is my special poo trim, covered in toilet paper.
Crow: Goooooooodamn. That's just....goooooooodddddammmnnnn.
Rain: No, it's cookie.
Crow: Okay. It's cookie.
Shawn: Cookies? Where? I love some goddamn cookies.
Paul walks in dressed up in an inside out Oreo cookie costume.
Shawn: Cookie!
Shawn starts chasing Paul around, trying to eat him.
Shawn: COOKIE!!! C'MERE GODDAMN COOKIE!!! I'MA GONNA EAT YOUUUUUUU!!!!!
Paul stands there.
Paul: Snort, you're gonna eat me? YOU'RE GONNA EAT ME OUT?
Paul reveals his man-clit.
Shawn: Uhmmmm...no. No eat you out.
Paul: Eat me, DAMMIT!
Paul forces Shawn's head towards his man-clit.
*Note - Has anyone noticed that this story, if none of the others do, is gonna get us killed?!? Just curious.*
Shawn sinks his teeth in. Paul squeals. Shawn bites down harder. Paul lets go. Shawn stands up. Paul falls out in the floor.
Shawn: Make ME go down on you, goddammit. Showed your goddamn ass.
Paul: My nuts....my nuts....
Rain: I thought you had a man-clit.
Paul: Oh, yeah. My uterus...my uterus...
Crow shakes his head.
Crow: When the hell you gonna build your sleigh?
Shawn: Oh, yeah, goddammit! Gonna go now.
Shawn grabs a hatchet and a sledgehammer, and walks out of the door.
Crow: Shit, dude. This is gonna be funny.
Rain: Yeah.
Shawn walks back in, goes over to a table, and grabs some duct tape.
Shawn: Forgot my main tool.
Crow: Dammmmmmnnnn dude. This is gonna be FUN!
Rain and Crow decide to wander about the camper trailor. They of course make their way immediately into Craig's room. Where else would they go?
Rain: Cookie!
Crow: Yes, my Dattie's room is very cookie.
Rain: No, cookie!
Rain points to a batch of cookies. Crow sees.
Crow: Cookies!
Rain sniffs the air. Crow sniffs the air.
Rain and Crow: CHOCOLATE CHIP!!!
Crow dashes to the cookies, and jerks them up. When he does this, he is jerked up too. Booby trapped chocolate chip cookies. Dattie is so mean. Anyway, cookies go flying, and Rain snatches them up.
Rain: Ha. COOKIE!
Crow: (pointing to floor) You forgot one.
Rain: FIVE SECOND RULE!
Rain snatches up the cookie, and bites into it.
Crow: Me have cookie?
Rain: No! My cookie!
Rain hugs the cookies. Craig walks in.
Crow: Dattie! Let me down!
Craig: Dammit, son. Ruining my booby trap. I'm trying to catch that damn fat ass Santa!
Rain: Why?
Craig: I WANT TO SEE WHAT HIS INSIDES TASTE LIKE!!!!
Rain: Good reason. Can I try?
Craig: When I catch him.
Rain: Yummy.
Crow passes out from the blood rushing to his head.
Craig: (silence)
Rain: (silence)
Crow: (even more silence)
Craig: Fall.
Crow falls to the ground.
Rain: Cool.
Craig: Uh huh. I'm genious.
Crow's head begins bleeding, from where he hit it when he landed. Rain sees this, and begins laughing.
Crow: Ow...HuH?
Rain: You...fall...and....funny.
Crow: Whuh?
Rain: You fall you ass!
Crow: No...my ass doesn't hurt...no fall on ass....ow, my head...
Rain: No. You. Ass. Fall on head. Funny.
Crow: My shit's not runny! For a change...
Rain: Damn.
Crow: Ow.
Craig: (silence)
Rain: Cookie.
Crow: Damn cookies.
Crow kicks at the cookies. Craig slaps Crow. Crow whimpers.
Crow: Mean Dattie.
Craig: So. I'm the only one you have.
Crow: MEAN DATTIE!
Crow stomps out of the room. Rain follows.
Rain: Dude, where you going?
Crow: See if Shawn will be my Dattie.
Rain: You don't want that.
Crow: No, I don't. Me go see sleigh.
Crow and Rain go outside. They find that Shawn is almost finished building his sleigh. The body of the sleigh is made of two by fours duct taped together. Then there's the part that it sits up on. The part that's on the ground? That's made out of broken broomsticks. All of this is duct taped together.
Shawn: Behold! My sleigh!
Crow: Goooooddddamn, dude. What the hell, man?
Shawn: My sleigh!
Crow: Damn.
Rain: Where's the reindeer?
Shawn: C'mon out, reindeer...
Sid steps out from behind the sleigh, with a long stick duct taped to his head.
Sid: Buuuzzzzzz...baaaaaa...
Crow; (laughing) Damn, dude. Baa?
Shawn: I don't know what the fuck a reindeer says!
Crow: Damn, dude.
Rain goes over, and begins petting the reindeer. Suddenly, a weiner dog comes bounding through the weeds.
Rain: Notorious Weiner Dog?
Crow: No, that dog's too fat to be him. I think that's...
Redneck-Sounding Voice: Hey, ha! Hey ha, hey ha hey ha! Yah, Jenny, yah!
Crow: Yeah, it's Jenny. Annnnddd...that invisible thing making it's way towards us? That would be Hawse.
Hawse comes stepping out of the weeds, wearing camo.
Rain: Where is he? I can't see him.
Hawse: Camo works everytime.
Crow: Yep!
Hawse sneaks up, and taps Rain on the shoulder.
Hawse: Hey, there.
Rain: Ahhh! Don't do that!
Shawn: Dammit, the hell with this. On Conway, on Cuba, on Dahmer and Blister, on Dapper, on Lance, on Pantsless and on Villian. To the top of the roof...
Rain: TO THE TOP OF THE GRASS! 'Cause that's as far as Sid's gonna get, hauling your fat ass.
Shawn: Now gash away, gash away, gash away all!
Sid begins trying to haul Shawn off. Hawse notices.
Hawse: Lookit dat right dere! Lookit dat big ol' buck! I'ma gone get 'im, a git git git!
Hawse pulls out his shoot gun, and starts shooting at Sid. He misses.
Hawse: Dammit! I think my sight is off!
Hawse picks up Crow, and attempts to hurl him at Sid. He misses again.
Rain: Yeah, your eye sight is off.
Hawse attempts to tackle Sid. Sid's harness snaps, and he flies free.
Shawn: GODDAMMIT!!! Without a reindeer, how the fuck am I gonna be Santa?!?!?
Crow: You could go be a mall Santa...
Shawn leaves mumbling something about the mall.
Joey: Oh my god!! I love shopping!! Let's go with him!
Mick: Grrrrr... grrrrum... go in a few minutes.
Joey: No! I wanna go now!!!
Joey falls to the floor in a temper tantrum.
Joey: (laying on his stomach while kicking and beating on the floor) I WANNA GO NOW!!! I WANNA GO NOW!!!
I WANNA GO NOW!!!!!!!
Jim: Fucking spoiled brat. Somebody beat his ass!!
Corey: Allow me.
Joey stops his temper tantrum.
Joey: Corey, no wait! I was joking, man! I'm fine!! Really! It's cool now!!
Corey grins wildly.
Joey: No, man!! C'mon! Don't!
Corey: Oh...
Joey: NO!!!!
Corey: My...
Joey: (whining) No, man... Please...
Corey: God...
Joey: (whailing) Please don't...
Corey: IT'S DENISE RICHARDS!!!!
Corey pounces on Joey.
Joey: A-a-a-awww, c'mon, m-a-a-aaaan!!! Stoooop!!!
Corey continues to ravish Joey's ass.
Corey: Learned ya lesson yet?!
Joey: Yeees!! Y-y-yes, I have!
Corey: I don't believe you!!
Corey thrusts harder.
5 Minutes Later...
Corey: (frustrated) Fucking Viagra!! Making me last too fucking long!! Can't cum!!
Joey cries.
Crow: (staring at the floor) This is... UGH.
Crow heaves, and then looks over at Rain, who is giggling.
Crow: You're a sick goddamn fuck, you know that, right?!
Rain: It's... umm.. funny!
Crow: It's sick! It's not fucking funny!
Rain: It's funny to me, dammit.
Mick pulls Corey off of Joey.
Mick: Grrrr... think of... grrr... have learn of lesson...
Corey: I gotta cum, man!! I can't fucking walk around like this!!
Paul: Snort! Shit, dude. I'll fix your ass. I do this all the time.
Paul goes into the kitchen and comes back out holding the jar of Mayonnaise.
Paul: Snort.. snort... Just fuck the jar. It's weird, but nice.
Crow: FUCK MAN!!!!! FUCK!!!
Crow throws his Peanut Butter and Mayonnaise sammich to the floor.
Crow: Somebody could've fucking told me why it tasted funny!!
Rain laughs at Crow.
Crow: That's not funny either!!
Rain: Oh, but is is!
Crow: AAAAAAGH!!!!!
Crow pulls out his boxcutter and attempts to shave his tongue. Bloody mistake.
Crow: Ow.
Rain: Ha.
Crow: Ass.
Rain: Much.
Joey: (out of breath) Can... can... please... go.... now... the mall...
Jim: Huh? Yeah, the mall...
Joey: MALL!!!!
Rain: MALL!! YAY!!!
Joey: Shopping!!!
Rain: MALL!!!
Joey: MALL!!!!
Rain: COOKIE!!!
Joey and Rain run out of the door and jump into the Trak-Tour.
Joey: HURRY THE FUCK UP!!! THE MALL AWAITS!!!
Rain: MALL COOKIE!!!
Joey: Huh?
Rain shrugs.
Rain: Cookie?
Joey: Mall!
Rain picks up Joey and throws him at Crow. Suddenly, a hint of raspberry fills the air...
Echo: MY MICK!!!
Echo swings onto Mick's armpit hair.
Mick: Grrrrumble... what is of doing...
Echo: MICK!!! I MISSED YOU!
Mick: (sadly) Grrrr..
Everyone loads into the Trak-Tour, except Corey.
Joey: Get your pornographic ass out here!!! Must go to the mall!! NOW!!!!
Corey stumbles out of the camper with his cock in the Mayonnaise jar.
Corey: This shit's cold, Paul!! I'm losing my fucking hard-on, man!!
Corey goes limp.
Corey: AAAAAAHHHH!!! NO!!! NO!!! COME BACK!!!
Paul: Snort... uh... I forgot to tell you about that...
Corey: Bastard!
Corey jumps in the back of the Trak-Tour, gets a handful of Mayo, and smears it on Paul's mask.
Corey: (grinning) Cock Mayonnaise!
Joey crawls back into the Trak-Tour trailer.
Joey: You're... you're mean.
Rain: Sacrifices must be made for cookie!!
Joey: Whuh?
Rain: The cookie commands me!
Joey: OH GOD!!! THE MALL!!! GO NOW!!!
Joey amazingly picks up Chris above his head, and hurls him into the driver's seat.
Joey: Go! Go! Go! The mall is closing in--- (looks at watch) FUCK!! 14 hours! GO!!!
Chris: (stunned) How the hell did you do that?
Joey: Just GOOOO!!!
We'll skip the ride because nothing really interesting happened. So, we skip ahead to the mall parking lot where Corey is humping the tailpipe to a Lincoln Towncar.
Corey: Man... this fucking sucks. Fucking rich car is like the fuck who owns it... tight bitch...
Corey pulls out of the tailpipe and turns to face a group of children who have been staring at him.
Corey: What the fuck you starin' at?
The children scatter.
Jim: Clown will be very disappointed that he missed those...
Joey and Rain run towards the front entrance of the mall.
Mick: Grrrrr... where fuck think of go?!
Joey and Rain stop.
Joey: THE MALL!!!
Rain: COOKIE!
Mick: Grrrr.... no... of... grrrrrrrBURP... use of employee entrance...
Rain: Oh yeah...
Joey and Rain run around to the back of the mall and impatiently wait for the others. They arrive shortly afterwards, but not soon enough, and see...
Corey: JOEY! I'm gonna get your ass again!!!
Joey: I couldn't wait any longer!!!
Joey was trying to crawl under the half an inch space under the door. He almost had it too.
Corey: I'm gonna tell your fucking dattie on you and he's gonna PUNISH you!
Joey screams in fear, as Mick jerks the door off the hinges, scraping him on the concrete. Ow.
Joey: Damn right! Fucking more than 'ow'...
Mick scraps Joey off the ground and puts him in his pocket.
Rain: (peeking into Mick's pocket) MALL!!!
Joey: MALL!!!!
Joey jumps out of Mick's pocket and runs through the door, followed by all the others.
Paul: (squeling) SNORT! We're in the costume part...
Rain begins twitching with delight.
Rain: Echo! Look! Faerie wings!
Rain hands Echo the faerie wings.
Echo: FAERIE!
Rain: Fuck yes! Put 'em on!
Rain then goes after what she saw before. The big pink Easter Bunny costume.
Rain: (putting the suit on) Dude, isn't this the one I wore for Halloween?
Echo shrugs.
Corey: (smelling the suit) Smells like Vodka.
Rain: Ooooo. Yep. One I wore for Halloween.
Rain puts on the Bunny head and runs out into the mall. Joey follows.
Joey and Rain: COME ON!!!! MALL!!!
Paul, Chris, Jim, and Echo come out.
Joey: Where the fuck is Craig, Mick and Corey?!
Jim: They're argueing over who gets to wear the Cave Man costume.
Rain: Uhhhh... cave man... ugh...
Craig casually strolls out with a flowerdy hat stuck through his spikes.
Chris: That's fucking horrible, bud.
Craig hisses at Chris.
Chris: Oh... wait... then again, looks good on you, bud...
Mick runs out wearing a Fred Flintstone costume, and holding Corey by the neck in his right hand. Corey is wearing an elf costume, and cussing up a mother fucking storm.
Corey: I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, MICK!! YOU MOTHER FUCKING BASTARD ASS---
Corey looks over and sees a prostitute.
Corey: Sweet cunt...
Mick: GRRRRRRR!!!
Mick hurls Corey towards the floor at about 400mph. Corey is knocked unconscious, and bleeds onto the floor.
Echo: Mean! Mick! You mean!!
Jim puts Corey in a shopping cart and begins running hitting anyone's heels that are in the way. Jim stops running when he reaches the escalator, and lets go of the shopping cart.
Echo: NO!! THAT'S MEAN!! (begins shaking) KEEP 'IM AWAY FROM ME!!
Rain: Dude! Escalator!
Rain runs towards the up escalator, Echo isn't far behind. They run down the up escalator, like it should be done.
Paul: Snort... move the fuck outta the goddamn way...
Paul sits down on the railing and whooshes down it extremely fast. Rain begins giggling.
Rain: (wide grin) This was on Jackass and fucking hilarious!
Paul gets to the curved end, and sails about 7 feet into the air and smack onto the ground. HARD. Landing short of Corey.
Paul: My fucking back!! OW, GODDAMN!!!
Jim: HA!
Corey wakes up.
Corey: Damn... what the fuck's going on?
Corey looks down at himself and sees that he's wearing an elf costume where the crotch has been torn out.
Corey: A FUCKING ELF?!
Corey rips the elf suit off, and stand there nakie.
Echo and Rain: Super Nakie Boy!!!
Hawse comes out of the plants.
Hawse: You called?
Chris and Craig walk down the up escalator. Echo stares at him Dattie.
Echo: Gr-gra... Grand Mattie?
Craig gives Echo the bird.
Echo: Mean Dattie...
Joey, Jim, and Mick walk down the right escalator. Mean. They're doing it the wrong goddamn way!
Joey: Look!! It's Santa Crahan!!!
Echo and Rain: CRAYON!!!
Rain: I want to get my picture took with Santa Crayon!!
Echo: Uh-huh!!
Echo, Rain, and Joey run over towards Mr. Mall Santa Crahan.
Paul: Snort... SQUEEEEEEEL!!! Look at that nasty shit.
Paul points towards Shawn who has his hand stuck down some little girl's panties.
Chris: Bud, I do that to Martha all the time. Nothing wrong with it!
Paul: Yeah, but... snort! She's like fucking 80, and that one is barely 2!
Chris: Oh, yeah... that's nasty.
Next...