Alright, we had an idea submitted a while back, and after watching several hours of the show, I've decided to write out Slipknot on MTV's "Celebrity Deathmatch"!!! Yay!!! Here we go...
Johnny Gomez: Good evening fight fans, and welcome to another action packed, star studded episode of "Celebrity Deathmatch"! I'm Johnny Gomez.
Nick Diamond: And I'm Nick Diamond!
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin: And I'm the master of whoop ass, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin!
Johnny: What the hell?
Nick: Hey, you're not supposed to be here tonight!
Austin: Ah, hell, boy! I'm here anyway! As the master of whoop ass, I have to be here in case anything goes wrong! Now, where the hell is my time machine?
Johnny: Okay. I guess we'll catch back up with Stone Cold later. We have three great matches planned for you tonight fans, as we present the "Celebrity Deathmatch Music Beat Down".
Nick: That's right, Johnny!
Suddenly, Johnny Bravo pulls himself up behind Nick.
Johnny Bravo: Hey, pretty mamas. Did you call me?
Nick: No, we didn't.
Johnny Bravo: Oh. Man, I'm pretty!
Johnny Gomez: Would you get the hell out of here?
Johnny Gomez kicks Johnny Bravo in the chest, sending him falling backwards off of their tower thing that they sit in.
Johnny: That's better. Now, what were you saying Nick?
Nick: Oh. Uhm, in our first match tonight, we have those sensational rap stars, Eminem vs. Puff Daddy!
Johnny: Actually, Nick, he's going by the name P. Diddy now.
Nick: What the hell is he thinking?
Johnny: Ha ha ha. Exactly what I thought Nick. In our second bought tonight, it's the Battle of the Bassists, as bassist Jason Newsted, formerly of Metallica, goes up against Twiggy Ramirez, of Marilyn Manson.
Nick: Oh, man! That's bound to be a terrific fight! I hear Marilyn Manson, who is one of our Deathmatch veterans, has been coaching Ramirez!
Johnny: That's right Nick. Ramirez is in prime fighting condition for his match tonight. And finally, in our main event, it's the Battle of the Heavy Metal icons, as Limp Bizkit and KoRn team up to take on Slipknot!
Nick: Oh, man! Those guys are really talented! I especially love it when that Fred guy starts talking about the "Nookie"!
Johnny: Uh, huh. Okay, Nick. Now, it appears the contestants in our first match are making their way to the ring now. Introducing, in the red corner, the bad (white) boy of hip hop, Eminem! And in the blue corner, hip hop's #1 hero, P. Diddy!
*Note to Readers - Goddammit, this just might be a short fight. I can't stand to keep looking at the words "P. Diddy"...they fucking crack me up everytime!!! Uh, that's all....
Mills Lane: Okay! I want a good clean fight. Eminem, no hitting below the belt! P. Diddy, no more name changing! Dammit, boy what were you thinking?
P. Diddy: I don't know. I thought it sounded cool. I still do.
Mills: Now, LET'S GET IT ON!!!
Eminem: Yo, mother fucker, I'm gonna rip your head off and shove in a fucking blender!
P. Diddy: Man, I ain't down with that, chump. Mess with me, I might just have to pop a cap in your black-wannabe ass!
In the audience, someone stands up. They then begin yelling towards the ring.
Jennifer Lopez: P. Diddy I still love you!
P. Diddy: I miss your ass too!
Eminem takes this advantage to run over and grab Puff Daddy (dammit, either name will work, for now it's this one...) in a mid-air headlock. Puff Daddy falls to the ground, and Eminem squeezes his legs together, causing Puff Daddy's head to balloon up.
Eminem: Yeah, bitch! Fuck with me, I'll kill you just like I did my girlfriend!
Puff Daddy: Punk ass bitch! You never killed anybody! That was just some fantasy thing in one of your songs!
Eminem: Oh. Yo, g! I'ma kill you like I did Dre!
Puff Daddy pushes Eminem's legs apart, and hops up. He kicks Eminem in the forehead, knocking off a large chunk of skin.
Nick: Oooooo that's gotta hurt!
Puff Daddy: That's not real, either!
Puff Daddy grabs Eminem, and hefts him up over his head. He then walks over to the turnbuckles, and begins banging Eminem's head against the posts.
P. Diddy: Yeah, fool! You messin' with the family, that's your ass!
Johnny: Eminem won't be able to hang on much longer....
Eminem reaches out and grabs the post. He pushes backwards, knocking P. Diddy off balance. P. Diddy falls, and Eminem leaps up to the top rope.
Eminem: Yo, fool! I'm sittin' on top of the world!
Eminem leaps into the air, and lands on P. Diddy's head. Eminem jumps up and down several times, and finally P. Diddy rolls out of the way. P. Diddy reaches over and pulls Eminem's legs out from under him.
P. Diddy: Now I'ma show you how we do it in my 'hood.
P. Diddy reaches under the ring.
Nick: What's he going for Johnny?
Johnny: I don't know, Nick. It looks like....it can't be! P. Diddy's going to do his infamous Pogo Stick Pounder move!!!
P. Diddy hops up onto his pogo stick and begins hopping.
P. Diddy: P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy....
P. Diddy hops over onto Eminem's intestines.
P. Diddy: P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy, P. Diddy....
*'K, don't know about you....but I'm laughing my ass off right now...I think I need sleep...
Eminem swipes out, and P. Diddy goes sprawling. Both fighters lay on the ring apron, dazed and confused. Suddenly, someone runs down to the ring, and hops over the ropes.
Mills: Hey, who the hell are YOU?
The guy runs over and begins stomping on Eminem.
Johnny: Nick! Is that who I think it is! It can't be!
Dude: I'm Sir Mix-A-Lot! I'm here to teach these fools a lesson about hip hop!
Mills: (pause) I'll allow it!
Sir Mix-A-Lot grabs Eminem's head in one hand, and P. Diddy's in the other.
Sir Mix-A-Lot: In my day, we didn't have to rap about stuff like walkin' up in places and shooting people up. We rapped about the good stuff. I'ma teach you boys what being a hip hop star is all about!
Sir Mix-A-Lot begins bashing the two heads together. He then slams them to the ground, and does a butt-drop onto them. He then begins bouncing. The bell rings.
Mills: And the winner is.....Sir Mix-A-Lot!
Johnny: What a fight, ladies and gentleman! It was a total surprise that old school hip hop came back and took out today's hottest stars!
Nick: Johnny, I don't think it's over!
Nick points to the ring. We see Jennifer Lopez squeezing through the ropes. Jennifer walks over to where the bloody pulp formerly known as P. Diddy formerly known as Puff Daddy formerly known as Sean "Puffy" Combs is.
Jennifer: Sean! Sean! Speak to me! I still love you!
Sir Mix-A-Lot walks over.
Sir Mix-A-Lot: Hmmmm....I think everyone knows this, but.....I...still.....like.....big....butts, and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny....
Sir Mix-A-Lot goes over and begins spanking Jennifer Lopez's ass. Jennifer spins around, and looks at Sir Mix-A-Lot.
*Okay, sick of typing out Sir Mix-A-Lot....will call him Mix from here on, okay?
Jennifer: You like my butt?
Mix: Oh, yeah. Your butt is round, I know you want a XXX go down....
Mix hands her a card, and points to a number.
Mix: Just dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot and kick those nasty thoughts...
Jennifer: Okay...
Jennifer goes to step out of the ring, and her ass swings around and hits the posts holding up the tower that Johnny, Nick, and Stone Cold are in. This jars the tower, sending the three falling down, down, down....down to the floor. 911 is soon after called, and they are rushed to the hospital....but meanwhile....
Mix: Oooooooo.....baby got back!
Producer Dude: Well, now what the hell are we gonna do? We have no announcers left!
Two figures step out of the audience and make their way up to the tower. They affix the headphones to their heads and sit down.
Figure 1: Ah, cool.
Figure 2: Yar.
Figure 1: We gonna show 'em how it's done!
Figure 2: Moo.
Figure 1: Okay, everyone. We're gonna be your hosts for the rest of the evening. I'm Crow!
Figure 2: And I'm Rain! And I seem to be sitting in some kind of puddle!
Crow: Ah, sick, dude! Nick was up here whacking off in the chair! Gross!
Rain: AHHHHHH!!!! DIAMOND CUM!!!!! GETTIT OFF ME!!!! GETTIT OFFF!!!!!!!
Rain begins running around in circles.
Crow: Dude, calm down! Millions of people are watching!
Rain: Yipes!
Rain dives down behind the desk and hides.
Rain: Are they gone yet?
Crow grabs a camera, and shoves it in Rain's face.
Crow: No, they're right here!
Rain: Oh. Uhm, in the words of Ahnuld....whieeee doooo yuuuuuuu haaaaaaav' aaaaayyyyy ceeeemmmmrrrraaaaa?!?!?!?!?
Crow: 'Cause we're on tv!
Rain: We're on tv? Cool!
Crow: Dude, you act like you've never been on tv before!
Rain: I have too! You haven't!
Crow: Yeah, I have! I was on wrestling! I was way up there, though!
Rain: Oh, yeah! Well, that doesn't count!
Crow: Dammit! Uhm...I been on tv! I was on the tv in Wal-Mart! Yeah!
Rain: That doesn't count either, you ass!
Crow: Dude, why the hell is this guy waving at us?
Rain: I don't know.
Rain and Crow wave back.
Dude: No! We need to cut to commercial!
Crow: What? No! Commercials suck! Fuck commercials! They're only there so you can piss and get food!
Rain: Yeah!
Commercial Break.
Uh, here....go to part 2....