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SPORTS HEADLINES
Tyke Tyson Swaps Boxing Gloves For Oven Gloves
LOS ANGELES, CA—Heavyweight supremo Tyke Tyson is swapping his boxing gloves
for oven gloves according to sources. Tyson at 36, feels it's time to work up a sweat in the kitchen instead of in the ring. It's rumored that the boxing
legend, famous for biting off opponents bodily parts during boxing bouts, is to star in his own cooking show 'A Taste Of Tyson". "Tyke loves cooking." A close
friend confided. "He loves making chocolate chip cookies". It's rumored that the show will feature him making a series of delicious, mouthwatering dishes
in an attempt to get the public to see his softer, feminine side.
Team Italia Boss Ensures His Drivers Will Not Urinate On Podium
Team Italia racing boss John Tott tells the Italian sports newspaper Beretta Dello Sporto that the team will
"Do everything possible" to help Crybaby Bowlofchello finish second. When asked if that meant using team
orders to achieve that goal, Tott said they were not there to play soccer. "We will try to win every race, placing
our drivers first and second." Team Italia are under scrutiny from FIB, the governing body of motor sport, following
their actions at the Bolivian Grand Prix. The team were fined $1-million and put on
probation for their antics on the victory podium which involved both drivers showering each other in urine
FIB is now asking for public input into the use of team orders in hopes of re-writing the rules which governs
procedures relating to urinating on the Podium. The blatant way in which Crybaby Bowlofchello was ordered to move aside
for Mike Shoelifter drew world wide condemnation, meaning a repeat incident would likely incur the wrath of the FIB.
With five races remaining, Crybaby finds himself in fourth place in the drivers championship, five points back of second place
man Wan Diablo Manta. While Shoelifter has already claimed the drivers title, he is still in line to set at least one
more record this season. Pissing on the podium for a breath taking tenth time. Team Italia can clinch the constructor's
championship next month in Trinidad. They currently lead Team Diablo by 165 points.
Halifax Hardmen Hurt In Balls
HALIFAX, NS—Summer training abruptly ended yesterday for The Halifax Hardmen when a practical
joke went horribly wrong. The twenty-two-man squad rushed out from their dressing room and promptly fell to the floor writhing around in agony. Head Coach
Sidney Mines couldn't believe his eyes. "Them byes was hurtin' bye. All shouting and squeelin' loik little girls they wus". It was only when Sidney brought in the team
Doctor that the full horror hit home. "Them poor byes had mousetraps strapped to their groins!" With their testicles crushed like grapes
in a vice like grip all twenty-two players were rushed to Halifax Regional Hospital to receive treatment for their severe testicular trauma's.
All victims of a practical joke gone horribly wrong. Tracy Tripplebuttocks owned up to the devastating prank claiming she had been the butt of their jokes for too long.
She finally snapped. Literally.
Mud Slide Halts John Deere Classic Tractor Rally
P J Partlett fired a warning shot to fellow Tractor racers Friday by winning the two-mile 'Hurdle-Creek' event..
Partlett who started the day in 32nd place benefited from an early twelve tractor pile up at 'Many-Holes Marsh' then saw a further nineteen tractors
buried as a freak land slide slid by infront of him. He calmly raced round the debris field and found himself in first place.
Bob Gurley rounded the day some 17 minutes behind to assume sole possession of second place. "I really am hungry for a win." Partlett spluttered,
his mouth full of Carrot cake. "I want it really bad." Tomorrow the five remaining Tractors head up to Poley Mountain for the final leg of the race -
The infamous 'Poley Mountain Tumble'.
Triathelete gets four hundred years.
Tri-athlete Billy Splits says he will appeal his automatic four hundred-year ban from
competition after a fifth test confirmed traces of paint stripper in his system. "I will fight this every way possible for as long as it takes to clear my name."
Splits said in a statement on Tuesday. "I have tried so hard to race clean and it's still hard to believe that after all that time I have ended up with this result."
Splits will be replaced on the Canadian team by Jolyanne Gassy-Giroux, a 97-year-old professional Pool shark from Montreal who finished 297th at this year's
Canadian triathlon championships.
Bow-legged Baseball Big Wigs Tied At The Top
The Saint John Bowleggers found themselves tied on points at the top of the Maritime Bow-legged
baseball league after Saturday's Bow-legged head to head with the Wolfville Waddlers. After ninety minutes of game time both teams had managed just one run each.
Micky 'Elbows' McNulty scored for Saint John while Nelson 'Knock-knees' Fitzburgler scored the equalizer for Wolfville.
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SAVAGE REPORTS...
Jethro Savage On Moncton's Annual Trailer Park Games.
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I am especially fond of The Annual Trailer Park games, having spent my formative
years growing up in a Trailer Park myself in Ontario. This was where all sixteen of us grew up until we were old enough to move out into my Dad's barn.
This years games held in Sunny Ditch, New Brunswick just outside of Moncton will have all the usually favorites such as 'Trash The Trailer', 'Steal the '79 Buick',
and 'Outrun the Mastiff'.
New on the agenda for this year will be 'Build a Baby barn', 'Shout Obscenities At Your Neighbor' and my personal favorite 'Stash
Your Trash' always a difficult one unless you have an empty septic tank.
The first family to complete all of these tasks wins a year's supply of picked eggs,
a crate of Wiseup Buddy Beer and personalized T-shirts for all the family with the phrase 'Don't Trash Trailer Trash!"
The events kick off Next Saturday morning
at 9am at Earl's Soup and Sandwich Bar. Tickets cost $5 each and go towards damage and repairs.
In totally unrelated news I would like to share a little story with
you regarding my rather suave hair-do. Well Last Sunday my estranged daughter, Vaseline, bought her son round for a visit. Now the little
bugger is only four years old. So how does Granddad entertain his Grandson?
Easy, I decided to make the little bastard some toffee apples. It was as I was caramelizing the Apples with my blowtorch that Timmy, my grandson, being the cheeky little
shite he is decided to turn my blowtorch up full strength.
Unfortunately I happened to be staring down the nozzle at the time. This resulted in me receiving a heavily scolded face and head. In a nutshell, all my hair burned off!
After a swift retreat to my drinks cabinet and a substantial skin graft later, I went out and replaced what was left of my severely scolded head and bought a nice wig. What
do you think?
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