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One Little Thing

Pairing: Spike/Xander, Willow/Tara, Buffy/Riley, Angel/Wesley, Cordy/Lorne, UST Gunn/Doyle and a few suprise pairings.
Rating: pretty tame so far. (trying to do a 'happy' fic as challenged by one reader, first time so be gentle!)
Archive: not a problem as long as you ask first.
Feedback: Would love some if possible, its what makes my world go round.

"What the hell is up his butt now?"

Buffy arched an eyebrow at Willow's question and shook her head in disgust for the recently departed vampire. Stake thrown back onto the coffee table, the petite blonde wondered when the front door frame would stop shaking, Spike having just made a loud and dramatic exit via a slammed door.

"Who knows but at least Mr. Attitude of a loser is gone."

With a last glance at the hastily exited front door, Giles turned the page of his newest demon book acquisition, wondering if the timber surrounding the door needed to be checked for any splintering. What the vampire’s problem was now was really anybody's guess. A cough that was directed at all people remaining in the living room, the ex-watcher asked everybody to see if they could find out any information about the Wanderings of Aelan.

"So G-Man, what are the Wonderings of Alien? Big, spooky new 'the world is going to end' prophecy?"

"Xander, number one, don't call me that. The next time you do, I'm going to put arsenic in your coffee, and number two, its the Wanderings of Aelan. Pronounced A-lan. Do try and get it right."

Xander froze, coffee cup just hovering below his bottom lip, the steam from the delicious brew tickling his nose. He didn't know whether to laugh at the threat or to take it seriously, he never wanted to piss off the older man. After seeing the way Ethan Rayne almost pissed himself after being threatened by the other man, Xander had kept in mind that maybe Giles wasn't so mild mannered after all.

"Don't worry Xander, I'm sure that old crabby pants over there is just joking. It's going to be in your next jam donut."

Shooting an almost withering look at his best friend, the brunette smiled as he took a gulp of the coffee much to Willow's amusement.

"Sorry Rupert, but what is the Wanderings of Ahlean?"

A sigh and frown directed at a smirking Xander, Giles told the gathered friends that they were texts written by a demon that had been given sanctuary by a group of Franciscan Monks in the early 1700's and that the demon had written of the numerous other planes of existence on the planet Earth.

"Ahhh, Earth?"

"Y..yes. There is some speculation that the writer might not actually have been a demon. It might have been from, um, other regions of space."

"No way!"

At the collective exclamation, Giles couldn't help but smile at the open jaws of his staring friends. They reminded him of little children who had just seen E.T. for the first time. Never mind the fact that he to had been that way when it had first come out, and he had been too old to be considered a child. Poor E.T. Shaking himself out of the memory, the older shop keeper wondered just when Xander would start the questions.





"Does that mean there really is life beyond us?"

Hmmm, a little longer than normal mused Giles. Usually the hyperactive brunette started in with the questions just as the other man drew a fresh breath.

"Well, yes. Apart from the normal demons and odd creatures that we encounter living on the Hellmouth, the Wanderings of Aelan do refer to many other civilisations on other planets and quite possibly, other galaxies."

"For the record, I’m *not* wearing one of those Star Trek uniforms if and when we get greeted by people from another planet."

Now standing in the middle of the living room, Buffy had both hands planted firmly on her hips, the look of defiance just daring the others to make a snide comment. Xander took a look at the Slayer and decided that it just wouldn't be worth telling Buffy that she would look like a short Seven of Nine. Same blunt attitude and what the brunette knew, the same kick ass body.

"Yeah, because Giles being the smart one, he would have to wear the Spock ears, Willow would just have to be Data so that would make Spike our pet Klingon!"

Great peals of laughter at Xander's comment, which prompted Giles to tell the youth that Xander would more than likely be Neelix due to his eating habits and obsession with combining foods that the health commission would have a heart attack over. Everyone was a little surprised that the older man knew about Star Trek and the numerous other spin off shows that were currently all the rage, The Next Generation and Voyager being the most popular of them all.

"So, Giles. Why are we looking for the Wanderings anyway?"

"According to one of my few friends left in the Watchers Council, there is a prophecy that tells of the appearance of a creature that isn't from this solar system. One from beyond the frozen ice hidden from the sun or some such twaddle. If we manage to locate some of the demons writings, the Council has offered to pay us a commission. In fact, the Watchers Council

has come up with a suggestion of paying us for all prophecies that we come into contact with providing we all give them written accounts on how we dealt with it and our personal views."

"But why? You were fired from the Council and Buffy quit, so why are they so interested now?"

Hand rubbed through his greying hair, the older human male was hopeful that they would go for the idea. He explained to them that the Council had been restructured. A new generation of men and women were heading it now, apparently Buffy and Faith's defection combined with Wesley's own quitting had prompted them to open their eyes to a lot of things that had been swept under the carpet for centuries. The stories of Angel's detective agency and Spikes disablement had also helped in the decision.

The new head people were interested in the different opinions to prophecies and how people reacted when confronted with one. Giles told the three quiet friends that Angel and his employees had also been offered the same deal and that they were taking the weekend to think it over.

"How much for each 'assignment'?"

"Good question and I know that you will all like the answer, I know that I did! Its roughly about 75 pounds, I think it's almost 200 dollars. I'm not too sure with the whole dollar to pound ratio and vice versa."

"Whooohooo! Hang on, is that for each one that comes true or just the ones that we manage to find amongst your dusty books because they would probably already have those and is that 200 for each assignment, for each of us, or is that as a collective?"

With a short laugh, Giles happily told them that it was indeed 200 each person for each assignment. Answering one of Willow’s squealed questions, he informed them that the Council had also indicated that they would pay for assignments that helped update their records on demons and other creatures that they might happen to stumble across in and around Sunnydale. The commission would be less for one such paper as it wouldn't involve a prophecy. A glance at Xander and he was forced to tell the brunette that he wouldn't be allowed to make up his own prophecies for profit.

"They would actually like Spikes input as well. How such creatures smell, do they have a heart beat or even three, the best way to fight it..demon-to-demon style. What they taste like if he happens to bite one. The accurate description of how any secreted body fluids smell, that sort of thing. The Council are looking to take their library into the 21'st Century and even put it online so that it can be accessed at all times by Watchers around the world."

"Can't see the Bleached Wonder going in for helping the Watchers Council...gee, can anyone else already see a two fingered salute and matching sneer?"

"You left out the 'get stuffed mate' and Xander's right, how do we get Spike to help with this. Not that I'm saying that I will go along with this because I'm not. Not that I'm saying that I won't because I'm not saying that....I've confused myself."

Snickers all round at Willow's puzzled expression as she ran through her little speech again, there was mutual nodding and 'I'll think about it'. After almost another hour of ideas being tossed back and forth, everyone was in the same mind. They could use the extra money and although they were in agreement that it was about time the Watchers Council got into the swing of the new century, they didn't want to run the risk of pissing off a very old and powerful fairly secret organisation. One that had interfered in their lives more than once already and the Council wasn't something that you could take to court at a moments notice when things got nasty.

"Right. Go home and think about it separately. Don't discuss it with each other, I want you to make your own decisions on this, its too important to change your minds later on due to something you didn't think of before. Leave the research for Monday, and if its decided that we will take the offer, we will talk to Spike then and yes Xander, he will get a commission of sorts. His choice of money or freely donated human blood and no, I don't know where it comes from."

Monday morning rolled around, all bright and with birds happily chirping in the heavily leaved trees. Buffy, Willow and Xander were sprawled around Giles' living room, waiting impatiently as the ex-watcher tried to connect through to England. Each one had thought long and hard about what had been offered to them, each one deciding to take the offer up. All that was left now, was to get final details of how the reports would be sent to them. Did they send them via e-mail, fax or post? Did they need to open separate bank accounts or would they get paid by cheque/money order? Was there a minimum word limit?

The final deciding point had been the fact that the database would be invaluable to Buffy and to all the Slayers that came after her, everyone silently praying that the next one would be years away. Xander's left knee was jiggling up and down in a manner that he knew annoyed the crap out of Willow, just something he couldn't help doing at times. The red-haired witch got so pouty and whiney when he did, it was like some kind of perverse kink. He just liked to see how long it would take Willow to start whining...not long it seemed.


"Yes my favourite little witch?"

Xander looked innocently at the smaller woman, his eyes large and slightly teary, the corners of his mouth a little twitchy. Just another little perverse pleasure he had going. Make Willow whine at him and then, quick as a flash, turn the tables and make her feel guilty for whining at him. Ohhhh look, it worked! The brunette had to hurriedly get up and almost run into the kitchen as the red tressed woman ducked her head, mumbling something about nothing while Buffy concentrated on trying to get Giles to hurry up on the phone. A large smile spread across Xander's face as he switched on the electric kettle.

Reaching up toward the top shelf in the kitchen cupboard, the brunette got down the small teapot the former watcher favoured. The older man often waffled something about a better flavour when that particular pot was used, why, Xander really didn't know. Tea was tea and it tasted crap no matter what. Actually, given the choice between blood and tea, the youth wasn't sure which would really win out. Three mugs and one teacup and saucer set out on the laminex bench, the male leaned against the bench to wait until the water boiled before remembering that Buffy liked her coffee extra milky.

Blood packets pushed out of the way so that Xander could get the milk, the human wondered just where the former Big Bad was. After the door slamming episode on Saturday night, the vampire hadn't been seen since and the bleached blonde certainly hadn't been in Xander's apartment when the brunette left for Giles. Spike was more than likely holed up in a crypt until he decided he was over his latest tantrum or he got hungry.

The brunette felt his smile get larger as he thought back to the blondes departing words, 'Beating up the odd sodding demon or two is bloody fun but there is no fucking way that I'm going to sit down with you pricks, with a cup of wanker tea and do research. You can all get stuffed!' With a snicker, Xander wondered what the others would do if he one day decided to follow Spikes actions and just refuse to do research. The older human had only suggested it to the vampire due to the fact that both Tara and Riley were away for a few weeks and that they could have used the extra set of eyes.

Tara and Riley were both off visiting their families. The tall blonde ex-soldier was currently lazing around a sunbathed farm and getting in touch with his inner farmer while Tara was probably thanking every god she knew that she had finally gotten out of the interbred backwater trailer park she had been born in. Xander was on holidays also but where was he, stuck in Sunnydale. Slightly bitter that he didn't have any relatives that he could escape to for even a day, Xander reminded himself that he would have to take a few blood packets home, his supply was low. Spike sometimes liked to crash on Xander's couch after a late nights drinking, the latest crypt being so unkind to hangovers.

The brunette really didn't even see the vampire much, Spike had ended up being given a key to the apartment after Xander had been woken once too often in the early hours of the morning by a drunken vampire yelling to be let in. Usually Xander just walked around the bleached blonde passed out on the couch, sometimes the floor. It happened a few times a week, the brunette just assumed that the other nights, the vampire had managed to walk the distance to his chosen crypt. The rude vampire was nearly always gone by the time Xander got back from work, only to pop up again, ready to beat the shit out of any demon that crossed the Slayerettes path once it was time for patrol.

Kettle boiled, Xander spooned the coffee into the mugs, depositing two table spoons of Earl Grey into the teapot before pouring the water. Milk and sugar added to the appropriate mugs, he balanced everything on a tray and carefully carried it out to the coffee table. He grinned widely as Willow's eyes lit up at the prospect of caffeine. Buffy sniffed the air and turned her head to see that there really was coffee in the room, a loud 'thank you!' later and she was squashed onto the couch with Xander and Willow on either side of her, a mug in her hand. All three friends staring at Giles' back intently as he was occupied on the phone.

"I can feel you all looking at me. Please stop it, it's really quite distracting not to mention oddly disturbing."

A collective 'Sorry Giles' had all four humans laughing as Giles explained that the person he had been talking to had gone off to find out some information for them.

"Willow, are you able to teach us all how to, what is it, ah..ride the internet?"

"Its surf the internet Giles and yes I can teach everybody, why?"

Hand waving for her to be quiet, Giles made a few pleased noises before making his goodbyes and hanging up. Turning around to face the eager youths, the older shop keeper stunned them all by telling them that the Council had offered to lend them money for computers each if they didn't have access to one at all hours. Yelling at them all to be quiet as the questions were fired at him, Giles told them that only himself, Buffy and Xander would be getting a computer each. Xander having to share with Spike if the vampire agreed to the proposition, Buffy sharing with Riley while Willow and Tara used the one already in Tara's room.

"But Giles, my laptop is already two years old and by computer standards, its pretty much ready for the scrap heap and I'm sure that Buffy and Xander will want one of their own, not to mention Spike and the others."


"What, just like that? No telling us that we're selfish for not sharing?"

"I'm going to let Willow lead the way with this. I trust you completely to spend the Councils money in the right way. Just bear in mind that the deal on this will be that our assignments will be halved until the computers are paid off."

Willow squealed with happiness, almost giddy with the thought of being allowed to actually spend someone else’s money in one of her favourites stores, Loki's Computers and supplies. Excitedly she told the others that if Giles set up another business name apart from the Magic Box, they would be able to get a business discount on all the computers and immediate supplies as well as any future supplies. The big bonus being that everything could be claimed back at tax time and would really not cost them anything in the long run.

"Amazing. Willow, you actually scare me a little. You do know that you have signed yourself up to do my personal and shop taxes at the end of the financial year don't you?"

"Yeah Wills, you are so very freaky but in the good way. Can you do mine as well?"

Buffy looked at wide smiles on her friends faces, hoping that this time, the Council wouldn't double-cross them or start throwing its weight around. The database was such a good idea that she was astounded that no one had thought of it before, especially Willow. At her question, Giles confirmed that both Riley and Tara were included in the offer. Riley for his military background and his experience in the Initiative, and Tara for her use of magic and her spell casting partner ship with Willow. At his leer at the mention of spell casting between the two witches, Xander found himself set upon by both Buffy and Willow, his ribs soon aching from his laughter at being tickled. Giles looked on at the scene, an amused look pasted onto his face.

A few more minutes of laughter and hyperventilation from Xander, and the older shopkeeper was forced to break the tickle fest up. Willow quickly wrote a list of what they needed to get, one that grew to humungous proportions, only stopping the once to see if she should include Spike, Riley and Tara in the list. At Giles nod and statement that they could always take the computers back if the others declined the offer, Willow read out the list.

Seven laptop computers
three printers including one portable
three scanners
cd-rom re-writables
reams of paper
computer carry cases
basic books on Word 95/98
filing systems
spare ink cartridges
Cd storage cases
Internet connections
Internet tutorial books

Giles sat down. He felt faint, his head spun as he thought of just how much it was going to cost the Council. He had known that it was going to be expensive but it was only until Willow had read out the list that he had realised just how much it was going to come to. Nether the less, he told an ecstatic Willow that she would get the go ahead as soon as Giles called to confirm the offer was taken.

He explained to them just how things were going to be done. The Council wanted emailed reports followed up by the group posting cd copies to a private address as soon as possible. The slayerettes were also to keep both a cd copy of each report and a printed copy for double back up. Giles was also to keep another copy of each report on disc in a safe place in case of emergency. Their payments would be sent directly into newly set up bank accounts, ones that would have to be set up as soon as possible. Giles also told them that it would be advisable to record any type of communication that they had with the Council, be it by letter, email or phone.

"Ok, I'll give the Council another phone call and tell them that its all go, why don't you go and set up the new accounts and then have a look at the computers. Willow, take your time and don't just pounce on one because it’s bright and shiny."

"Jeez Giles, I *know* that, but they do come in some great colours these days. I could get you a blue one, Xander an orange one, Buffy...maybe pink?"

At the raised eyebrow of her friend’s watcher, Willow went on to explain that if you paid extra, you could actually get your computer powder coated in whatever colour or design you liked. It took about a week to do but with such a large order, they would more than likely get a discounted price. Surprisingly enough, Giles quite fancied the idea of a computer coloured to his choice. He really wasn't keen on the whole computer idea but after working with one at the Magic Box, he had slowly come to accept that the damned things did have their place in the world. After telling the excited trio to bring back some colour samples, he told Xander to find the vampire and ask if Spike was interested in earning himself some human blood.

Feet wiped at the top step of what was Spikes latest crypt, Xander slowly pushed open the heavy door, giving the annoying blonde plenty of time to run through the up and coming insults in his head. Once down the steps, he squinted as he took in the massive amounts of dust and cobwebs scattered just underneath his feet as he took a few steps into the almost pitch black room.

"Bleach Boy, you here or are you hiding in the corner and pretending that if you stay still, I won't be able to see you?"

"Sod off Whelp. What doe's your uselessness want now?"

The vampire watched warily as the brunette human trod down the stone steps and into the crypt from his armchair in one of the darkest corners. With a snicker, he found himself amused as the youth tried to place where the vampires voice had come from. On purpose, the bleached blonde had chosen the grimiest, dirtiest crypt he could find in Sunnydale’s oldest cemetery. He knew from experience that once one of the Scoobies had visited him in such a hovel, they would be hard pressed to come and annoy him again.

"Jesus Spike, why can't you rent a nice little *brightly lit* apartment? You know, like the one Deadboy had."

Xander slowly scanned the room, finally placing the snort of derision as coming from the shadowy corner furthest from him. If he hadn't heard the trademark sound, he wouldn't have known the vampire was even there, certainly his eyes just weren't strong enough to penetrate the darkness. With a gasp that he couldn't hold back, he was oddly fascinated as the vampire melted into his vision, coming to stand only a few feet away from the youth.

"What's the matter Harris, scared of little ol' me? Hear your heart beating like the clappers, I can."

"Arsehole....what are the clappers...isn't that some sort of venereal disease? Errk, why would my heart go like the clap?"

"Fuck, you really are the dumb one of the lot aren't you? The 'clappers' is another name for the cops, you know the saying, 'he was running like the clappers were after him'."

Puzzled, Xander had to admit to the sneering blonde that he still had no idea what was meant by the saying, scoring points for himself when he told Spike that he was keeping up with the times and not sticking to the century he had been born in, not like some others in a certain crypt.

"You’re a real little fucking smart arse aren’t you? Wont' be squealing a tune like that when the chip comes out, that much I can bloody well assure you. You, The Slayer, Foofy Arse Mr.Giles and the sodding witches."

"*IF* it comes out."





"It's gonna come out."

"Mmmm. Nope!"

With a lunge towards the brat, Spike clutched at his head, howling as the pain threatened to push his eyes out of their sockets, via his nose. Game faced at the boy's out right laughter, the vampire angrily demanded to know why the brunette was disturbing his privacy.

"Well, I could dance around the subject for, oh let me see, hours, but lets pretend you have better things to do and I'll just get straight to the point. How would you like to earn yourself your choice of human blood or cash?"

"Why? What do I have to do, I mean the offer's nice but just because it sounds good doesn't mean that I'm gonna take it."

If Spike had been able to breathe, he would have been holding his breath, his face melting back to it's human features. He detected the youths heartbeat get faster, the aroma of excitement filling the air. Can't be too bad then if the Whelp is excited he thought. Then again, this is the idiot that thought Alaska and Hawaii were separate countries to America. No wonder the moron was unable to hold down a job for longer than a month at a time. With all the numerous disappearances of minimum wage staff, one would think that Harris would have cornered the job market.

"The Watchers Council want the Scoobies, including Riley, Tara and you, to send in descriptions of our fights with various demons and our dealings with any prophecies that come our way."


"Human blood Spike, mmmmmmm. When was the last time that you had some? This is freely donated stuff as well, that means no chance of Buffy stakage for even thinking about it."

Seeing the vampire eye him off warily, Xander decided to make the best of the sneered silence and told the vampire everything he knew about the deal. He described how the Council would pay them, informing Spike of how Willow and Buffy were opening new bank accounts right away. Xander gleefully told the bleached blonde about the offer of the new laptop and supplies.

"Will's reckons that you can even have your computer coloured to your liking, although I don't think the company will have a stencil of corpses and dripping blood. Might just have to settle for a solid red."

"No, I'm sodding well not helping the effin' Council. Worse than the bloody Slayer that lot is. Always prancing around two steps after you, recording everything that you did and then getting it totally bollocksed up anyway."

Cigarette lit, the vampire kept his familiar sneer on as Xander explained that this was his chance to set the records straight on at least some levels. Mind drifting as the Whelp settled into a babble that would put Willow to shame, he admitted to himself that the idea was tempting. Human blood, it had been way too long since he had tasted it. It was going to come bagged, he knew that. It wasn't as if the Council was going to pay someone to voluntarily open a vein for him just so he could get it fresh. The money would be handy as well, his little 'jump, scare and get handed money' games were just about running their limit. Sunnydale might not 'see' demons but he was sure everyone had heard of the weird blonde man who jumped out of the shadows at people. The last few people he had tried to rob had just laughed at him and told him to get either a life or a job. Needless to say, his funds were just about zilch.

"Hello..hello? Mr 'Stuck in the 80's hair'? Are you listening to me?"

"Nothing wrong with my hair, better than the Pouf's anyway...what did you say, I was too busy trying to stop my brains leaking out my ears while you waffled about shit."

"Oh, never mind. You can't be that desperate for 'human' blood then. I was just telling you what the Council wanted from you, but obviously you have no need for money or blood. I'll just be going then."

A growl from Spike and rolled eyes from Xander, the youth told the vampire about how the Council wanted the demons opinion on how different demons smelt, tasted and acted. That they wanted to know if the vampire could find weak spots in other demons when fighting them, without necessarily killing them.

"So, let me get this straight. I get paid either human blood or cash for kicking the shit out of other demons, sniffing them, licking them or biting them and then sending in a written report to the Watchers Council?"


"I get my own computer?"

"Yep, a brand spanking new laptop with all the latest programs complete with a built in modem to connect to the internet. Also, the use of a printer and scanner."


Blowing the acrid smoke out through his nose, the vampire continued to eye the boy, mainly because it was causing him to squirm more by the minute. When the blonde thought about it, helping the Council really wasn't much more than what he was already doing. Sure, he was beating up fellow vampires and demons with the Scraggy Gang but this was a step up, helping the devil himself. Not a nice bunch of 'tea and cucumber sandwiches’ people when they got nasty, more like ‘only death to your entire species will satisfy us’ type of people. Pretty much like living with Angelus in his heyday.

"Alright, I'll do it but I want both blood and money."

"Yeah right, with that attitude, they'll be throwing you a nice apartment as well. Giles will want to see you tonight now that you’re on board."

"Don't fucking trust them not to screw the lot of us in the end though."

Still wary, the vampire snorted when Xander told him that the older ex-watcher had advised keeping a record of all communication with the Council. A nod of his head showed that he was in total agreement. After all, if he didn't like this arrangement, he could always pawn the laptops off down in Sunnydale, take the cash and just piss off out of town.

"Ok Xander, what colour do you want?"

Colour swatches flipped through again, the brunette just couldn't decide between the solid metallic red and the pearl indigo. It was the first time he had ever gotten so close to owning a computer of his own, his uncle(APOSTROPHE)s hand-me-down, not even being considered. That stupid arsehole thing had only been workable for three days before it had caught alight, the study's curtains paying the price for shoddy workmanship.

He was excited. His first bonus for helping the Council. After Willow had mocked up a tax return for them all, no-one had any regrets about spending the extra $150.00 per computer to get them coloured to their personal liking. Willow had stunned everyone after her mockups had indicated that all everyone would have to pay after the real returns, was the charge for the colouring.

"Hang on, hang on. Mmmmmm, the red? Yep, the red will do me just fine"

"Thank fuck for that, about bloody time. Hate to see you make a real sodding descion. Oooooh, large or small fries? The agony!"

"Spike, watch it. Slayer with a stake here and willing to use it"

Eyes rolled at yet again another useless threat by the annoying blonde bint, the vampire knew he was just about to either kill himself by trying to smother the kissing witches, or run screaming around the Watcher's living room just for the hell of it. Shirt off, naked kind of running around screaming. Bored to tears he was and he could no longer keep it a secret.

"I'm fucking well bored and the witches are turning me gay, I'm all for a bit girly pashing but that is just.....uuughhhh"


At the collective shriek of annoyance/embarrassment, Spike ducked and held his arms up to protect his head as numerous heavy objects were thrown towards him. A grunt was heard as one of the massive books on working the Internet connected with the vampire's stomach. Two fingered salute at Xander's snicker of amusement, the blond sighed as he was once again shoved to the back of everybody's thoughts, all attention focused upon Buffy. The petite blonde read over everybody's requests once again.

"Alright, now stop me if I get this wrong because you can't exchange them once they are painted"

"Giles, Latin proverbs on a metallic silver background. Tara, rippled pearl and mauve. Willow, solid metallic Sahara yellow. Riley, camoflague greens. Xander, solid metallic red. Spike, flames on a solid black background. Me, Gothic 'B' italics on the imperial blue"

"A..Ah Buffy, Jonathan would like the rippled aqua on the pearl white background. Just add it to the list"

Head nodding as she wrote down the added request, the blonde asked how the former Watcher's new employee was working out.

The older man finally had to hire an assistant after admitting that the long hours at the shop, combined with patrolling were taking their toll. Jonathan had been like a Godsend from the moment he had stepped through the Magic Box's door. The young man had been down on his luck after being thrown out of his home, and down to his last few dollars, the blue eyed male applied for the postion out of sheer desperation. Giles had remembered him from Sunnydale High and had been more than happy to give him a chance after Xander had turned down the offer himself. So far, the youth hadn't put a foot wrong and the regular customers fawned all over him.

"Working out well, actually. I really didn't think that being a shop assistant would be his thing, but I must admit that I'm pleased. He's picking things up quite fast"

"So, any closer to finding out why he's still living at Sunnydale's finest motel?"

"Really Xander, that is none of our business. If Jonathan wishes to tell us, then he will do so when he chooses and not before. Please don't try and wheedle it out of him. From what he has indicated, he didn't leave on the best of terms with his parents and I've said quite enough already"

Almost choking on the rising bile due to the two witches sympathetic noises at poor JonJon's plight, the vampire decided that it was finally time to go. It was just getting dark outside and he was more than willing to risk getting a little crispy so that he could leave a few seconds earlier.

"Right. I'm off. Red, I'll be at the Moron's place tomorrow as demanded. And for fucks sake, don't bring beige girl. I'll bloody well vomit myself into a second death if you two start that 'touchy feely' muck again"

Wathcing the leather duster swirling majestically out of the opened front door, everyone asked Tara to go to Xander's the next day with Willow, Giles offering to pay, Xander offering to double the amount if the touching got them naked.

"Right and then you type dot c-o-m and press enter!"


Both humans jumped as one as the bleached blond vampire got up and threw his chair across the room. Foot raised for just a moment, Spike kicked the broken structure a few times before grabbing his packet of cigarettes and stomping outside into the corridor, front door slamming after him.

"Well, I suppose because I live alone, I reeaally don't need *two* chairs do I?"

A hand rubbed through his shaggy hair, Xander really couldn't blame the vampire for cracking under Willow's tutelage, hoping that the vampire wouldn't feel the need to 'express' his frustrations again any time soon. He wasn't doing the best himself, he barely understood a third of what the petite redhead was trying to teach them about Word and other programs. Arms stretched, he moved his body from side to side in an effort to ease some of the stiffness he felt.

"Xander, did you want to have a break and make some coffee? I'll try and undo *whatever* Spike has done this time."

With a wave of excitement flowing over him, the tall brunette sprang from his seat and almost ran to the kitchen before The Willow Teaching Beast changed her mind. He knew that there was something seriously wrong when he got a feeling of joy from being able to escape his best friends presence, even for a few minutes. Sadly enough, he had Spike to thank for that. Since the moment Willow had turned up alone, unfortunately, at Xander's apartment, the bleached vampire had caused one problem after another with his loaned computer. Things that were easily fixed by the redhead and amazingly enough, Spike had muttered a few apologies along the way and had only made a mere handful of rude and offensive remarks regarding Xander's own stuff-ups. Even with the broken chair lying in a heap, it was still a day with Spike on his best behaviour. Spike was still going to pay for a new chair though.

With one ear tuned to Willow's numerous mutterings and occasional giggle, the brunette got down three mugs and set them upon the stained bench. Coffee spooned into all three, he then gave one mug two heaped teaspoons of sugar. Xander rummaged through the fridge for a box of pineapple jam donuts. A new type of donut brought out by his favourite store, they were just like the regular strawberry jam ones but with pineapple instead and it was extra chunky jam as well. Three placed on a plate, he shoved them into the microwave for 40 seconds to warm. Allowing his mind to wander, he thought of just how many donuts his first bonus would allow him to buy, salivating at the idea.


Jerked out of his thoughts, the brunette was horrified to realise that he had actually dribbled onto his long sleeved t-shirt, the bright blue material marred by a few wet dots. His chin hastily wiped clear of the donut induced wetness, he rubbed at the small damp marks on his chest in an effort to get them a little dry before anyone noticed.

"Xaaannnndeeerrr! All fixed and is that coffee I smell? You put two sugars in? Are there donuts, are they jam or chocolate? Do they have sprinkles because I bags the one with pink sprinkles."

Having a sudden fear that all the sugar would hype Willow up more than humanely possible, Xander considered actually throwing the donuts out before the redhead could get her hands on one and inflict her 'happiness' onto both himself and a grumbling blond vampire. Reality catching up to him before he could commit the sin of wasting perfectly good grease and sugar, the brunette obediently answered all of the witches questions while trying not to laugh at the vampire's face as Willow oh so slowly went through some instructions again. Placing the mugs and plate of donuts on the table, he poked the blond off the only intact chair left in the apartment so that he could claim it.

"No. Not d-o-t dot, I *said* dot as in the symbol dot. Spike, will you just listen?"

"I AM fucking well listening and you did bloody well not say symbol sodding bloody dot or whatever. You just said dot so I typed d-o fucking-t."

And so it went for the next few hours. Willow and Spike harping on at each other while Xander just sat and took notes, trying to keep up with Willow's instructions. He had briefly looked through one of the massive books on Word earlier, as a consequence he had more confidence of understanding his own writing than the in depth writings of the large tome. Finally, Willow deemed them both qualified enough to be left alone with the laptops Loki's computer store had loaned them until their own were ready. Both Spike and himself groaned as they realised Willow was only leaving early because she had actually prepared homework for them.

"Willow, you sooo can't be serious? I don't go to college just so that I don't have to do this."

"Whelp is right. I don't go to bloody college either, so count me out. I just want me sodding pay already and a nice mug of O positive."

"Spike, that is gross and it really isn't homework. Just think of it as practice before typing up the real reports. You know, practice makes perfect."

With that, the redhead let herself get shown out the door, Xander firmly closing it behind her. Mock wipe of the brow, he turned his attention to a vampire that was muttering to himself while tapping away at the keyboard of his laptop.

"I want a new chair as soon as your first pay check comes in."

"Why the hell should I pay for it? Red's fault she got me agro and anyway, it was shoddy workmanship. Should take it back to the store, disgusting that they sell such weak structures these days."

"You cannot be serious? You broke it, you pay for it."



"No and anyway, what are you going to do if I don't?"

"Yes and I'll change the locks on my door, plus a de-invite spell and when you start hollering to be let in, I'll call the police. I'll make enough reports so they keep you down the station until dawn, so that you will be dusted the moment they throw you out onto the street. Then I'll fake your reports to the Council and get your money as well."

Xander snickered as the vampire’s eyes grew large, almost to Japanese cartoon size. He could almost see a smidgeon of respect reflected in the bright blue orbs. Two seconds later he received the usual salute, chipped black nail polish and all.


"Oooohh, delayed reaction. Should I be flattered?"

"That's right Pet, just remember I have a key to your place and nothing is stopping me from handing out copies of it down at Willies. Actually, I think I can have a copy of the Watcher's as well by tomorrow night."

The vampire watched in delight as the boy's usually tanned face suddenly went the colour of three-day-old soured milk. Stupid brat, did he really think he could outmatch a Master? After a few seconds, he was satisfied to see Xander march into the bathroom, door closing firmly after him. Attention turned back to the cursed box in front of him, the bleached blond glanced at the list of instructions the witch had left for him, wondering just how the hell he was going to get out of doing it. A snort later, he almost smacked himself across the head, as he knew the answer. It was simple, he just wouldn't do it. What could the witch do? An image of Willow in black leather and stilettos tanning his naked arse with a studded paddle came swimming into his mind. Very nice indeed. So was the one where the redhead was restraining him with a leash and collar, jerking the collar tight, as she demanded he lick her wetness to orgasm.

With whine and a tug on his tight jeans, Spike got up and strode over to the still closed bathroom door.

"Hurry the fuck up Harris, what are you doing? Bloody well drowning?"

A muffled yelp for him to go away and the vampire continued to stroke himself through the confining denim as he walked around the corner to Xander's bedroom. Well, he wanted a wank and if the boy was going to occupy the bathroom then he was just going to have to toss off in Xander's bedroom.

With one ear tuned to the bathroom, Spike slowly opened one sliding door of the wall closet so that he could hear more sound from the bathroom on the other side of the wall. Not that there was really much coming from it, although the vampire could hear the Whelp's heart beating nice and evenly even though it was a smidgeon higher than normal. A shrug and Spike slid down his zipper, sighing in delight as some of the pressure was eased off his swollen member. Jeans pushed down to mid thigh, the vampire gave his hard cock a few strokes, thumbing the cool precum along his shaft.

A groan later, he realised that it was going to take him forever to finish even with both witches in whore wear if he didn't have something for a bit more lubrication. Shuffling as quietly as possible to the drawers beside the boy's bed, he slowly opened the top drawer. A quick rummage revealed a few unopened condoms and a half used tube of lube. Laughing softly, he wondered just when the Whelp had lost his virginity and who had been stupid enough to lay still for the five seconds it must have taken the brunette to grunt out an orgasm. Lube poured into one hand, Spike took the opportunity to sit on the bed while fisting his cock in harder strokes.

Eyes closed and ears tuned to the bathroom still, the vampire bit his lip as Willow straddled his face while he was bound spread-eagle on his back across Xander's bed.....hang on? A pause, Spike shrugged and continued to use his left hand to fondle his heavy ball sac while running the tip of his right pinkie finger just under his foreskin. Lip bitten through, he started to pant as he sucked and licked on Willow's sweet tasting clit, his cock being gently touched and fondled by large hot hands. No woman’s hands were these. He imagined the large hands spreading oil over his slightly raised puckered entrance, two of the hot digits pushing inside of him, the mystery males breathing getting harsher while Willow writhed in pleasure above him. Squeezing his testicles harder as he pinched his foreskin, Spike sliced his tongue as he came over his hand, lower abdomen and thighs. Still panting, the vampire looked around for something to wipe his spent cock on, finally deciding upon Xanders comforter. A figure in the doorway of the bedroom caught his attention, the bleached blond’s hand pausing in mid-wipe.

Both men stared at each other. The vampire's wide shocked eyes looking directly into chocolate brown unbelieving orbs. In unison, they both uttered small screams of horror, Spike dashing out of the bedroom, Xander shoved out of the way. Head aching from the shove, Spike danced around the living room while trying not to trap his delicate foreskin in a metal zipper and put on his duster at the same time. Xander just standing in the bedroom doorway while stuttering for the vampire to explain what had been going on in the bedroom.

"Did..did you know?"

"Err yes..but I was thinking of you!"

Once again, the two men screamed as one. Xander fell to the floor in shock, pointing a shaking finger at him while gaping like a fish. Spike knew he had his duster on inside out and for once, he really didn't care about his appearance. Door flung open, the vampire ran into the corridor and downstairs, out into the emerging dusk before he brought up Willow's involvement in his little 'adventure'.

Sunnydale Cemetary (the original)
The Thomas Family Crypt
Forty five minutes after "The Comforter Incident"






"Bloody stupid sodding f'ing bloody poofter pillock!"




"OW! That bloody hurt!"



Pausing just before his steadily bruising forehead connected with the hard damp wall of his latest crypt, the blond vampire once again berated himself for his less than stellar "Spike" performance.




"This is hurting."



"Poofter..that's what I am! Nothing short of Peachy. Stupid."




"Why the fuck would I even say that? What the friggin' hell is wrong with me? Bloody Red's fault anyway...her fault she looked so good in leather...mmmm, especially the lace-up corset with peepholes for lush nummy looking nipples....niiiiiice!"




" I going mental? Shit! Has being around Dru finally rubbed off on me? Holy fuck...have I got some sort of mental disease? I don't even like the stupid sod like that...sure as hell didn't imagine *his* hot hands all over my cock.....up me."


"BLOODY HELL! That sodding well HURT!"


"Stupid bloody thing to say...Oh no Xanny luv...just seeing you everyday makes me want to wank myself stupid ...oh sure, I was thinking of Red going all bondage bitch on me but gee pet, you *really* are the one I want the most.....FUCK!"




"No really Xanny, just stick a finger up me any old how and I'm your own personal Spike Slut....that's right my luscious, useless Whelp....twirl a hot little finger up me arse and you can call me Bitch any day....bloody hell....I'm mental!"






"Ow....hasn't got little fingers anyway....Bloody fuck! I did NOT just soddin' well say THAT!"



Same time...
same town....
Xander's apartment.




Standing as far back from the atrocity as possible, Xander had finally gathered the courage to venture into The Bedroom of Horror. His once private sanctuary had been defiled, the four walls were a silent witness to an act of pure depravity.

"Oh god!"

He felt sick. The still shocked brunette was sure that he was never going to recover. It was obvious he was going to have to attend the most extreme sort of therapy possible.

*Group* therapy....something only the truly distressed attended.

He was one of those truly distressed, he had to be. How much more distressing could things be than to find out that a vampire had sat on your bed, wanked off to distorted images of you and then *wiped* himself on your favourite comforter cover? How did he know they were distorted images? It was "He who shall never be named"...that much should be obvious, anyway, *HE* was a vampire so of course the mental pictures would be not of the usual variety. What they had been would be anybody's guess.

What had Xander been doing in those thoughts? Must have been good for Spi...No.."He who shall never be named" to achieve orgasm? Wow..he had given someone an orgasm and he hadn't even been in the room...Right on!

"Shit...I did *not* just think that!"

"! You bastard! You goddamned prick!"

Xander scowled at his internal thoughts. Marching back out of his defiled space, his back ramrod straight, the brunette wrenched open the spare closet door. Broom snatched up, he strode back into his bedroom, every cell in his body prepared to get down to a dirty disgusting hateful task. Removing the soiled comforter cover.

"Bloody fuck! Damn, I can't believe I just uttered Spike speak?"

Grunting and cursing to himself, the pissed-off youth attempted to remove the cover from the extra thick thermal comforter without touching it...using just a broom. Something that wasn't going to prove possible with out ripping the cover to shreds.

"Bastard...who the hell does he think he is? Comes into my home, eats my food, touches everything, probably steals all my loose change which why I can never find, he *does* steal my goddamned change and how does he repay me? With a 'thank you' wank!"

With a tug on the broom that was twisted in the steadily ripping material, Xander continued to mutter to the four walls.

"How long has he been thinking about me? Oh my god, what the hell did I do that turned him on so much? I didn't do anything remotely sexy today."

Wincing at the massive ripping sound, the youth sighed as he finally removed the last few shreds of the cover from the comforter. Standing and stretching a few times, he made his way back into the kitchen. Garbage bag found, Xander walked back into his bedroom and proceeded to poke the ripped and torn cover into the thick plastic bag.

"Let's see? All I've done today is learn computers with Willow...ooohh! I *did* make coffee a few times and I *did* warm up the donuts?"

"No way! There is no way that me making coffee turned him on or did it? Do I make coffee in a really kinky way? Is that why Will's and the Buffster always get me to make it? Is there some way I pour the milk or stir the I hold the teapot in a certain way?"

Xander sank to the floor as a thought struck him.

"Oh my god! Do I turn Giles on as well?"

"God Angel, can't you ever just go the speed limit? I mean, we all know that you're old but that’s no excuse for driving like the blue rinse set." exclaimed the brunette woman as she knocked on Rupert Giles front door.

"Actually Cordelia, I believe the correct term is geriatric."

"Yo, Miss Daisy, you coming or you gonna sulk a bit more?" snickered Gunn as he exchanged winks with Doyle and Wesley who were standing beside him as they waited for someone to answer the door. It had just taken the brunette vampire almost twenty minutes to drive them all from Sunnydale Motel to the ex-watchers house. A journey that should have taken them less than ten minutes.

"Am not sulking.... just have to be careful, the cars a classic you know." muttered Angel as he stoically put up with the ribbing he was getting from his employees.

"Ah! H..hello, do come in and why are you sulking Angel?" asked a curious Giles as he opened the front door. Waving the five friends through, he found himself raising his eyebrow as everyone bar an extremely put out looking vampire laughingly told him that he would soon find out.

"I *am not* sulking.... don’t see why they won't take it back."

"Oh Angel, stop whining" ordered Cordelia as she stood with hands on hips, glaring at her boss, causing him to shrink back into the couch he had sat down on.

" stop your whining. I think it’s just darling."

"If you were my friend, then you would swap with me..." asked a hopeful vampire, batting his eyelashes at his current object of affection only to be disappointed when Wesley firmly crossed his arms and shook his head.

The word 'no' echoed around Giles' living room as Angel looked at each of his employees in turn before turning his gaze on the thoroughly confused elder of the two ex-watcher.

"Bad vampire...bad! Don't even think about it."

"Ow..Corrdddeeee!" whined the brunette male, pouting as he rubbed at the upper arm that had just had an intimate encounter with his secretary's hand.

"That’s right're a...bad...vampire." smirked Wesley, waggling his eyebrows at his lover, promising the larger brunette male that he would be shown just what could befall an unco-operative vampire later that night when they got back to the Motel. The younger mans smirk turned into a leer when the vampire's rubbing got faster.

"Hey Irish...sit on to me..yep, next to me...nowhere else." said an appalled Gunn, thanking his heritage that he was dark enough so that no one could see the furious blush that was threatening to set him on fire. At Doyle’s raised eyebrow, he gave the older man a weak grin as he watched his workmate try and hold in his laughter even as the Irishman came to sit next to him on the second dark brown couch.

"Oh God!" exclaimed Cordelia and Giles in unison. Looking at each other in horror, they rolled their eyes before hurrying to the safety of the older mans kitchen. Door shut firmly behind them, the brunette and ex-watcher continued to recoil from the hideous goings-on in the living room.

"How long till Buffy and the others get here...because I so don't want to face *that* again anytime soon!" shuddered the young wannabe actress.

"Not soon me on that. Are they always like that?" enquired Giles as he reached into the cupboard to pull out his hidden bottle of scotch. Bottle shaken at Cordelia, he reached back into the cupboard and got down two glasses. Drink poured hastily, he smiled when the girl turned away from him to rummage through the freezer for some ice.

"You have *no* idea Giles. It was worse when they used to try and be subtle about it...I ended up just telling them to go for it in the middle of the foyer.... I think they did one day. Well, Angel and Wesley did, that I'm sure of. The other two keep dancing around each other like Swan Lake interpreted into modern dance by Pee Wee Herman. That little 'embarrassment' back there...well, lets just say that there’s more to come."

"You poor poor child. You most certainly do have my deepest sympathy. What about you...anyone on the horizon...please tell me...I'm desperate to forget about...about..*that*." sighed Giles, gesturing towards the closed door and the living room on the other side. In less than a second, he wished he had never asked as an unearthly screech erupted from the girl’s lips.

"Ooooh yes! He's sooo great. Taste, money, a business of his own and the best thing is, he's in the know about 'certain' things. His name is Lorne."

thirty minutes later

Xander sat quietly in his seat as his mind spun from what was going on around him. He knew that Angel was gay. It was obvious because the vampire was with Wesley. Very much so. In fact, holding hands and kissing very much so. He knew that Buffy found it funny that the one time love of her life preferred a nerdy ex-watcher to her. Didn't matter anyway, she was with Riley now. Captain America in the flesh.

She was totally comfortable with Angel being gay. Obviously she was comfortable because she was sitting in the seat next to her ex-boyfriend and encouraging him to keep dropping various items just in front of Riley, making the tall blond man bend over to pick them up, giving Buffy, Angel and Wesley a great view of his well rounded buttocks each time. Each one leering at the khaki encased flesh.

With a shake of his head, Xander wondered just when Riley would grab a clue. Surely the other man couldn't be that dense? Actually, he was because Riley was yet again bending over to pick up the pen that Wesley flicked in front of him.

"Oh my God!" the brunette whispered to himself in horror. Had he really just seen that...did Deadboy just pinch Riley’s backside and then blame it on a giggling Buffy? This couldn't be for real..could it? At the slamming of the front door, all heads turned to see a bleached blonde vampire saunter into the room as if he owned it, smirking as Riley bent down to pick up the pen Angel did accidentally drop for once.

"Well then Poof, got yourself a hobby I see? And you, Slayer...shame on you."

"Look Biteless Wonder..just sit and a.."

"Gotta stake and not afraid to use it. Yeah..yeah. Heard it all before. Fuck...these two yours? What are you doing..recruiting poofs?" sneered Spike as he put down the black laptop shoulder bag, gesturing at Doyle and Gunn as they sat with fingers barely intertwining. Sneering and feigning fright as Angel growled at him, the younger vampire looked around the room for a place to sit before he shrugged his shoulders and sat next to the glowering brunette human.

"Hey..I'm not gay thank you!" snapped Cordelia as she came from the kitchen, carrying a tray laden with mugs full of coffee.

"Why're a man...look at you..balls the size of Texas, no wonder Hairboy likes you so much..reminds him of the Slayer."

At the collective gasp from around the room, Spike suddenly wondered if he had gone too far by baiting the brunette woman. The bleached blonde had gone to verbal battle with her twice and he had to admit that she was his equal in the bitch stakes. Certainly with a glance at his Sire, the younger vampire found that he could almost see pity in the brown eyes.

"Yeah well...all the better for you if you have got a pair of knackers, get you far in show business they, what colour computers did you lot get?" asked Spike as he watched Cordelia take a breath, her face bright red. As her angry scowl suddenly turned into a sweet smile, Spike admitted to himself that he was just about to get shat on.

"I'm going to make you a coffee do you like it?" the woman asked with a coy voice.

" I don't drink coffee. Vampire I am, drink blood."

"Actually Cordy...The, has his coffee with one sugar and milk....Spike appreciates it." smirked Xander. He felt sorry for the vampire. There was only one person in the world who could make instant coffee taste like something from the legendary tar pits. Xander was hoping that Cordelia would go all out and make Spike a cup of percolator coffee, something that could bring even Angelus to his knees.

With everyone sniggering at the bleached blonde as Cordelia stomped back into the kitchen, Xander found that Spike was glaring at him.


"Ohhh, diddims. You're own fault anyway...tosser."

"Your bed Mate..pant..pant!" sneered the blond, thankful that his species no longer blushed. He couldn't for the life of him understand why he had told the brunette male that he had been masturbating while thinking of Xander but he was determined to use it to embarrass the younger man. It was working as well..too well, his Sire was looking at them. Gonna have to get the show on the road with his latest project.

Reaching down beside him, the vampire made a great show of pulling out his new laptop, running his pale hand over the orange and red flames that decorated the slim black laptop. Once he had done that, he thumped it none too gently on top of the coffee table so that it drew more attention. Sitting back into the couch, he waited.

"Wow...that's come up really well. I was going to get that design but I got the aqua crackle look instead." exclaimed the shorter Irishman, pulling his laptop out of the carryall case beside him.

"Yeah..nice. Like the colour. Suppose we should all learn what each others looks know, just in case. Don't want to get back to the crypt and find I've taken the Whelps by mistake. Only so much porn one can take in a day."

"Fuck off Neuter Boy. You know what mine looks like anyway..but I wouldn't mind seeing what everybody else decided on...Gunn, what design did you get?" enquired a genuinely interested Xander.

As Giles and Cordelia came back from the kitchen, a huge mug of steaming coffee in the young woman’s hand, the both jumped in on the action, oohing and ahhing with everybody else after Cordelia made sure to present the coffee to a less than happy blonde. One by one, each laptop was shown off by its excited owner and duly admired by the surrounding friends. Halfway through the presentation, Willow came tearing into the house, numerous sheets of paper held in one hand.

"Sorry I'm late. I had to go back to the dorm and get the tax papers. You know, so we can get rebates for the computers...what did I miss?"

Sitting down, the red-haired witch explained that Tara was helping Jonathan with the Friday late night trading, stating that her girlfriend already knew how to use the Internet. As Cordelia finished showing off her metallic silver/blue slim line laptop, she nudged at her boss with a small giggle.

"Go on everybody yours."

"Come now..there's nothing to be ashamed of. As long as you like it, then its not a problem is there?" choked out Wesley, trying not to laugh too much as Doyle and Gunn joined in on the laughter.

"It's not what I ordered and I'm not showing anyone." mumbled an embarrassed vampire, arms folded across his chest. Bottom lip just starting to tremble, he looked pleadingly at his lover, cursing inwardly as the younger human kept insisting that he show everyone his new laptop.

"'s not that bad. Stop being silly Angel. Come on, be a man and just show us."

"If it's not that bad, then why are you all laughing? Hmmm, answer me that one Wes?"

"Angel..we're not laughing at you, we're laughing *with* you." said the younger ex-watcher to his now visibly pouting boyfriend. Running one hand up and down the well formed black clad arm, he tried not laugh louder as Xander, Spike and Buffy joined in.

"Not laughing anyway..Fine! Here..go on..laugh all you like but it's supposed to be plain black with a sliver celtic cross on the cover...not this...this..*colour*." snapped the brunette vampire, annoyed when everyone in the room howled in laughter at the sight of his computer.

" *manly*" sighed Buffy, holding onto her sides as they started to ache from laughing too much.

"But its just you....bloody Poof." sniggered Spike.

"Wes is right, there’s nothing wrong with the colour if you like it...of course, it would suit you more if you were a Girl Scout."

"Oh thank you very much Xander...thank you..alright..shut up. It's not that funny." scowled Angel. How the company had stuffed up was beyond him.

"Yes..that's right. My computer is peach. Not orange, butternut or burnt umber but peach. Metallic peach." Angel admitted tightly, staring at the ceiling in resignation.

"'re right. We won't tease you anymore...Peaches."

With that, the room erupted into more laughter as Wesley finally said the one thing that everyone had been dying to hear yet not quite daring to say as soon as the vampire had pulled out his laptop. Arms folded tightly across his chest, the former Scourge of Europe vowed to throw the computer away as soon as possible.

Xander couldn't believe it. It was just too good not to laugh at the older vampire, certainly the opportunity didn't present itself too often now that Angel was living in L.A. As the male tried to calm down his laughter, he locked eyes with the bleached blond beside him and knew instantly who had set Angel up.


"I can't believe that you did that to Deadboy. Well, okay, I can but still, it was cool, but wrong, but so very cool," exclaimed Xander, bouncing slightly as he walked next to an amused bleached blond vampire. Once everyone had gotten over the 'horror' of Angel's laptop, they had been subjected to Willow teaching them about how to surf the internet and how to avoid getting caught up in search engines that might not suit their purposes. Upon being released from the ever so yawn inducing lesson, Xander had been annoyed that he had been paired up with Spike for the nightly patrol until he realised that it was the perfect opportunity to hassle Spike about the prank with Angel's computer.


"Yeah, wrong, wrong, wrong and I could have done it sooo much better"

"Really and why is that Whelp?"

"Because *I* would have gotten them to paint daisies on it!" replied Xander, rubbing his hand together in glee as he gave Spike a wide smile.

"Daisies? And that's your bloody master plan to embarrass the Poof is it? No fucking wonder you're the town idiot," sneered the bleached blond, eyeing off the hyperactive man next to him. Daisies? The boy couldn't be serious. Even the bloody witches could come up with something better than that as far as Spike was concerned. Hell, a half dead weed could out evil Xander Harris if it ever came down to the crunch of things.

"Ah, but you didn't let me finish. Daisies *and* some of those cute little pictures of Hello Kitty," Xander sniggered, his laughter dying down as Spike's sneer grew larger. "What? No good?"

"Moron. Hello bloody Kitty. What shit, no wonder you can't get laid. What do you do, go up to some chit and ask if they'd liked to swap sodding trading cards?"

"Hey! I get laid, quite regularly, unlike some others that happen to be in the general vicinity. Spike, I honestly couldn't be thinking of you now could I?" said Xander, batting his eyelashes at a glowering bleached vampire. At Spike's growl, Xander found himself grinning all the more as Spike started to stalk off ahead of him.

"Bloody little smartass. Bloody 'Hello Kitty'. Fucking daisies," growled Spike. "You know Harris, a picture of that f'n kitten *fucking* a daisy woulda been better"

"Jesus Spike. Just when I think that you've scraped everything off the bottom of the barrel, you just keep on dragging shit up. Seriously, that just made me think of things that I'm never gonna get over, never, nope."

"Suppose you haven't gotten over seeing my cock yet either?"

"Fuck off Spike and by the way, I want my keys back so hand them over - now!"

"No. Besides, I lost them."

Xander paused mid-stride beside a leaning tombstone, his breath caught in his throat as Spike's words sent tremors down his spine.

"You did *what*?" Xander shrieked, his eyes widening as numerous possibilities as to where his keys where ran through his mind. Praying to a God that he didn't really believe in, Xander hoped that Spike had really lost them and hadn't decided to hand them out at Willie's as he had previously threatened. "Umm, can you repeat that? I think I heard you wrong."

"What, are you sodding deaf as well as being fucking stupid?" sneered Spike, turning around to face the gaping youth. "What, what? All I did was lose them. Not the end of the world. Just go and get me new ones and all's right again."

"Hahahaha, yeah, right! Like I'm gonna give you new ones after you've just told me that you can't be trusted with my belongings," replied Xander, a little hysterical at the thought of getting back to his apartment and finding a dozen demons waiting for him to pop the cap off a few beers before being turned into an entree of some sort.

"Anyway, I told you, you're not welcome at my place anymore. God only knows where you're going to, you know, do... do *that* again?"

"Wank. Come on Harris, be a man and say it with me. Wwwaaannnk"

"You are so disgusting. Thank God you've lost those keys, gives me the perfect excuse to get the locks changed," snapped Xander. Moving from the headstone he had leaned against for the last few minutes, he ignored the bleached vampire's rolled eyes and snort, only to clap both hands over his ears as Spike started to yell at the top of his voice, "Na-na-na-na-na. Can't hear you. Nope, not listening. Na-na-na-na."

"Oh, so sorry to have offended such delicate sensibilities. May I term it differently? MASTURBATE. SPANKING THE MONKEY. JERKING THE GHERKIN. BASHING THE BISHOP. FLOGGING UNCLE FESTER. GUTTING MY TROUSER SNAKE. THAT'S RIGHT ALEXANDER LA-VELLE HARRIS. I SHOT MY LOAD ALL OVER *YOUR* BED AND YOU, YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE BOY *WATCHED* IT ALL!" yelled Spike, his sneer growing into a broad grin as he watched Xander trying to block out his voice.

"Na-na-na-na. Can't hear yo- what, what did you just scream out for all to hear?" gaped Xander. With both hands still firmly clamped over his ears, he couldn't help staring at the sniggering vampire only a foot away from him.

"THATS RIGHT. YOU BLOODY LITTLE PERVERT, YOU *WATCHED* AND YOU ENJOYED IT!" Spike roared into the chilly air of the cemetery. If only the boy knew how ridiculous he looked thought Spike.

"NO! No, I didn't. I didn't! Shut up. Shut the fuck up! I swear Spike, I'm gonna stake you so bad if you don't take back what you just said."

"Ooooohhhh, you promise me a staking. Get me all horny, watch me 'toss the floss' and the..." Spike stopped his teasing as he ran away from the irate youth, winding a complicated path through the rows of tombstones, but always ensuring he was only a few feet away.

"Get back here! I'm going to do a total Buffy on your ass you Bleached Bastard and you can forget about keeping the laptop at my place as well," panted out Xander, determined to make Spike understand that he hadn't in fact enjoyed the sight of Spike's penis a week ago. Continuing to chase the vampire through the graveyard, Xander gave up the chase after he noticed that he had passed the same headstone three times already. Xander tried to catch his breath as he leaned heavily against a crumbling crypt wall, trying not to jump as Spike suddenly appeared next to him.

"Spike, Jesus. Don't *do* that."

"What, giving up already Harris? Shame, thought you were better at the chase than that," sneered Spike. "Better be careful about what walls you lean against Harris, someone might think your volunteering for meal delivery."

"Uh, gee thanks for the concern Spike, but I think that anyone who had ideas on making Xander-steak might just be too busy laughing at the moment," snapped Xander, scowling at Spike as the vampire's sneer turned into a broad grin.

"Oh, poor little Xanny. And why were they laughing?"

"Fuck. You!"

"No thanks but I appreciate the offer Pet. Hey, you know who would really like that? That Jon whelp. Yep, every time you wiggle that ass of yours in front of him, the floor gets wet," taunted Spike, taking a step backwards as Xander's scowl got bigger.

"Bullshit! You're such an asshole Spike and like I said, you can forget about keeping the laptop at my place. Go ask the G-Man."

"You know, its not just the floor that gets wet, so does the front of his pants, just around cock height," continued Spike, struggling to keep the laughter in. "I guess that would be the reason for him always sticking behind the counter when you're around. Tell you what Pet, I'll ask him out on your behalf. You know, us being mates and all."

"So what if he likes me? What, you think I'm gonna go all weird and *thingy* if I know a guy's got a crush on me? You think it's going to embarrass me or something? Yeah, well, you got another thing coming Mr Immaturity!" said Xander, annoyed by the fact that Spike thought he was so easy to taunt on that particular subject. Hah! Spike really did have another thing coming if he thought that. Thank God for Larry leaving him almost daily love notes in his school locker for the better part of a year. *Nothing* would ever embarrass him as much as those had, especially the time Cordelia had found one and assumed that Xander had written it for her. Thanks to a love dazed Larry, the subject of being lusted after by men didn't really faze him. Much. Sort of.

"Oh really?" retorted Spike "Then why the big hoo-hah over being given a private viewing of my cock then? You know the show was just for you don't you?"

"Gee Spike, that's the whole point of my *freak out*. It was *your* cock that managed to vomit on my comforter cover," Xander replied, his scowl giving way to a cocky grin as Spike's own smile disappeared in record time. As they stood facing each other, Xander felt his heart skip a beat as Spike suddenly narrowed his eyes and smirked at him. "What, what? Don't look at me like that. I hate that. Actually, I hate you!"

"Jon's a good looking lad."

"Uh, what and why are we off the subject of me hating you all of a sudden?" asked Xander, his stomach dropping as Spike started to rummage through his duster pockets.

"Big world he's stepping into," continued Spike as he found his cigarette packet and lighter. Shaking the pack, he was pleased to find that it was still half full. Taking out a cigarette, he set about lighting it, taking a deep drag on the filter.

"Huh? And again, what the huh?" enquired a seriously confused Xander. What the hell was the bleached moron on about this time?

"Yep. Big world, and not a very friendly one at all. Boy needs someone to support him, be there for him."

"And for the third time, huh? Wait a minute. No way! No *fucking* way! You leave him alone. Keep your slimey dead hands off him," Xander demanded, appalled by what Spike was suggesting. Taking a step closer to the smirking demon, Xander poked Spike hard in the chest with a pointed finger. "Seriously Spike, what makes you think he'd go for you anyway?"

"Well, not just your ass he's been looking at. Been eye'n off the Watcher's as well. That tells me that it ain't type he's looking for. It's cock. Pure hard cock. Boy has to be desperate to lose his virgin status if he's looking at Ripper's wrinkly backside," snickered a happily smoking vampire, totally ignoring the finger grinding into his chest.

"Okay, what part of 'leave him alone' did you not get? Because I can punch it into you if it helps?"

"All right, all right. You win. You can have him. I'll tell him first thing tomorrow. Gosh, he's gonna be so happy his wet dreams are gonna come true" Spike stated, his best innocent look upon his face, something that was ruined by his continuing leer.

"What! No, no. I don't want him. Shit no, and you're not having him either. I'd rather him be with Giles and, *that* is yet another image I'm never gonna recover from."

"Nope, no deal. It's either you or me who's gonna be breaking him in and because you don't want him, then it looks like me who'll be poppin' a cherry in the next few weeks," crowed Spike as he quickly stepped back another few paces, ensuring that he was out of reach for the glaring brunette. "Good thing too. Bloody well great at breaking in virgins I am."

"God you disgust me and, and we'll see about that!" Xander lunged at Spike, missing him as the laughing blond took off through the cemetery again. "Yeah, we'll see about that."

"IF THERE IS ANY CHERRY POPPAGE TO BE DONE, IT'S GONNA BE BY ME!" shouted Xander, the words echoing through the silent graveyard. Wincing at how loud his words were, Xander muttered to himself as he reluctantly followed Spike's direction, out of the cemetery. Just as he passed through the iron gates of the small entrance, he suddenly realised what he said. "Oh. My. God! Did I just say that?"