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But I Love You? **New Chapter** With a sigh, Lukas watched intently as the pale form in the bathtub lifted a slender hand momentarily before letting it clunk against the reddened porcelain once again. "That's good Spike. Come on, you can do it... Move something else?" Lifting a small container from the floor, the heavy set Fijian dipped a corner of a face cloth into the container. In a slow motion, Lukas leaned over the bathtub to feed Spike the last of his Sire's blood. Lukas dabbed the cloth gently against Spike's cracked lips, wiping the inside of the vampire's mouth with the moistened cloth. "Oooops... sorry. I'll just clean you up." Lukas explained with an embarrassed smile as he awkwardly set about wiping away the blood he had accidentally spilt over Spikes genitals, his smile growing more heated as the wiping caused the limp penis to shift. After a quick glance at Spike's crotch assured Lukas that the pale skin was clean once again, the Kava Demon carefully draped the blood spattered cloth between the vampires legs. Giving Spike a small measure of dignity, something that Xander hadn't thought to do. "You're not really my type Spike so don't think this means anything, all right?" The empty container set on the bathroom floor, Lukas wrinkled his nose as he took in Spikes virtually hairless scalp, and with a small shake of his head, couldn't help but smooth a hand over the vampires skull, feeling the soft almost invisible down like hair that had started to grow at his temples and behind his ears again since Spike had drunk the first of Angel's blood. As a thought struck Lukas, he lifted his hand from Spike's head and instead, gathered up the vampires hands, his smile growing broader when it proved that his thought had been correct. "Wow Spike, you sure do need a manicure. Not only that, a pedicure as well." stated Lukas, gently twisting the frail claw like hands as he saw that in just a few hours, Spike's fingernails and toenails had almost doubled in length. Certainly, it could only mean that the Sire blood was doing its job and bringing the Childe back from the brink of a second death. It was good news and that meant he had to go and wake Xander up. Xander had reluctantly gone to bed, exhausted beyond belief, on the promise that Lukas would wake him up should Spike show any sign of improvement. The larger man had sat in the bathroom by his friends side, listening to Xander toss and turn for hours, no doubt worried by what Lukas had proposed about Diehl until finally, the youth had quietened. Lukas had waited for a few minutes before he had ventured to check that Xander was truly asleep. Once he had been sure, Lukas had hurried back to Spike's side, intent on trying to encourage the vampire to get better. In between his words of encouragement however, Lukas had tried to impress on Spike how much worse he was going to be if he stayed with Xander. Lukas knew full well that Spike might have been too far gone to hear him but, as he was possibly Spike's only friend, he had felt it was his duty to do something. Finally, Lukas had stated the plain truth. If Spike didn't leave Xander sometime soon, Xander would end up killing him. Lukas didn't bother pointing out that it would more than likely be an accident on Xander's part and that, from what he had seen of Xander's behavior, if it happened, Xander would never forgive himself. It wasn't worth saying it. All that mattered was getting his friend out of harms way. Lukas knew that inter-species relationships were always hard but never had he come across such a poisonous coupling as this. It was as destructive as they came and Lukas was somewhat at a loss as to how it all came about but he was determined to help end it. It wasn't the fact that they were of different species or they were gay. Nor was it the mind boggling idea of William the Bloody being subservient to a friend of the Slayer, something that by all rights should never have happened but what can you do when science interferes with the laws of nature? Lukas would have been more than happy to put his stamp of approval on the relationship should it have been a benefit to both partners but it so obviously wasn't. No, what went against every grain in Lukas' body was the abusive nature of the relationship. He had seen with his own two eyes only a fraction of what Xander was capable of. Lukas had seen the bruises on more than one occasion, seen Spike walking stiffly around the Pennington Mall as if every movement pained him, watched him seek Xander's approval before joining the laughter that a joke prompted. Lukas knew that there were days that Spike wasn't capable, emotionally if not physically, of venturing outside the cabin. Those were the days that Lukas tried to get Spike to allow him to visit. Both men sitting quietly in front of the TV, nursing beers or hot coffee while Spikes injuries were purposefully ignored. After visiting Spike for the first time after a beating, something that had resulted in an even more severe repercussions for the vampire, neither men acknowledged that Lukas' visits had continued. It was an unspoken agreement that it had only happened the once. And the abuse was a subject that he most certainly didn't dare confront Xander with, not with his friend's life at stake. There was no way that he wanted to make Spike's life any more difficult than it already was, especially with the long Summer coming up. This time, however, Lukas wasn't going to let Spike freeze him out if he brought up the subject of Xander's abuse. He wouldn't allow it. He wasn't going to let Spike brush it off as 'just a bit clumsy, that's all' or that he had slammed his fingers in the car door which was why they were broken. Oh, and he wasn't just going to shrug and nod when Spike said that he tripped over some clothes on the floor, banged his head on the coffee table and as a result, got himself a purpling bruise under one eye. Yeah, he had heard them all and believed none of them. Lukas just couldn't get over the way Spike thought that he had to keep defending Xander, even though Lukas rarely mentioned the bruises. Always it was Spike who brought them up. Anything immediately noticeable that is. Spike usually waited until his bruises had disappeared before venturing outside again. Something that never took long thanks to the vampires rapid healing ability but, unfortunately, it only helped to increase Spikes dependency on Xander. Every time that Xander hit Spike, forcing the vampire to stay inside, Xander's power over Spike increased. Little by little, Spike was retreating and allowing Xander to think and act on his behalf all the more. It was only the fact that Lukas already knew about the abuse that made it safe for him to visit Spike, even with the evidence of a battering all too clear to see. Lukas knew that if he wasn't the sole local supplier of blood, he would never have seen Spike again after the brochure incident on Boxing Day the year before. He had to get his friend out and somewhere safe. His and Spike's friendship was strange. Vampires usually didn't have friends, they had minions, Childer, Sires and meals. That was it. Certainly in Fiji, Lukas had never been a friend of a vampire but he had been taught by his mother always to look out for friends and people who couldn't help themselves and that's what he was doing now. However, the fact remained that the only one who could truly help Spike was Spike himself. Spike was the one who had to walk away and only then because he wanted to. All Lukas would be able to do was point him in the right direction. Brought back to reality by another small movement from Spike, this time the vampire flexing his toes again, Lukas felt his heart leap as Spike arkwardly licked his dry lips. Lukas knew that he couldn't put it off any longer. He had to go and get Xander. The brunette youth had to be the first one that Spike saw when he opened his eyes and was able to recognise people again. As much as Lukas wanted for Spike never to see Xander again, Spike would be too distressed if Xander was not around to help him recover. In his weakened state, the worry would be Spike having a relapse and this time there would be no more Sire blood from Angel, the older vampire making it perfectly clear that neither Spike nor Xander would be welcomed by him in the future. "Spike... Spike, I'm going to get Xander.. OK?" asked Lukas, leaning in close to the greyish-white figure in the bath. Seeing the eyelids fluttering for a mere fraction of a second, the Kava Demon took one more chance. "Spike, you have to leave Xander. He is going to *kill* you. He will, you know that. Xander is going to continue to hurt you and one day, he will kill you. Leave him Spike, leave Xander as soon as you can..." Breaking off his plea as Spike gave a hoarse moan, Lukas leant back and rose stiffly to his feet all the while hoping that his words had made some sort of dent in the vampires determination to stay with his abuser. With a sad smile, Lukas took in how white Spikes fingers and toes already were compared to the sickly grey of the rest of his body. A sure sign that Spike was on the path to a healthy life again, a life that Diehl's blood could only improve. "I guess I'll get Xander up then." "XANDER! Xander, get in here!" "Xander!" Hearing his name being called from the bathroom, Xander stopped staring at the cabin's ceiling and rolled over. His eyes tightly screwed shut, the youth steadfastly ignored Lukas. He didn't want to get up. If he got up, then everything that had happened over the past day would be all too startlingly real and if he stayed in bed, then it had all been just a horrible nightmare. With a jaw-wrenching yawn, Xander pulled the comforter up higher around his bare shoulders. After a moment, he slid further down the mattress so that he was completely encased by the comforters warmth. Literally from head to toe. "XANDER?" Breathing in the stale air from underneath the comforter, Xander concentrated on the only thing he could see. The pitch black from behind his eyelids. As far as Xander was concerned, if he continued to ignore Lukas then the Kava Demon would eventually just go away and then he wouldn't have to think about Spike anymore. He wouldn't have to think about Diehl either. Xander felt his stomach drop at the thought of what he had decided about Diehl in the early hours of the morning and with that thought, Xander's resolution to stay in bed was strengthened. If he didn't get up, then he wasn't going to be a murderer in the next few days. If he stayed in bed, then everything would be perfect. "Xander.. would you just get in here? Spike's moving!" Fuck! Spike was *moving*... his boyfriend was *moving*? Oh. My. God! Spike's better? He's better... Deadboy actually came through... well, Deadboy actually already had but.. but... Spike's better... With his thoughts racing wildly through his mind, Xander suddenly found that he was holding his breath even as he scrambled out of the warm bed. A few deep breaths taken, he rose unsteadily to his feet, a huge grin on his face at hearing the good news. Just barely pausing long enough to throw a pair of semi-clean track pants over his naked form, Xander ran the few steps to the bathroom, unconsciously following the trail of dried blood on the wooden floorboards. Skidding to a halt just outside the open doorway of the bathroom, Xander's anxious smile faltered into a wary frown as he stared at the skeletal form in the bathtub. A few slow steps forward and Xander leant against the bathroom door frame, his gaze still upon Spike. "XAN... oh. I'll just... leave you two alone all right?" offered Lukas, giving Xander a small smile as he eased his way past Xander and out of the bathroom. Turning around, the Kava Demon couldn't help but feel a pang of pity for the younger man. No matter how much he disliked Xander, Lukas acknowledged that if he made things easier for Xander, he was, in effect, making Spikes life easier as well. Swallowing his misgivings about Xander for the moment, Lukas spoke softly to the youth. "Want a coffee... breakfast... anything? You want something, tell me now 'cos I have to go home and feed the cat. Mail needs sorting too. Xander?" "Huh? Uhhhh...coffee. Yeah, lots of coffee." Xander answered equally as soft, still taking in every inch of the vampires haggard appearance. "C.. can you call work for me? Tell them I'm not coming in until Spike's better? Please?" "Sure, I can do that but I think it would be better coming from you... but if you want, I can do it" "OK. Yeah, that makes sense... I suppose I owe it them, I mean, Mac's already given me heaps of time off... What the Hell do I say?" asked Xander, tearing his gaze from the bathtub and turning around to face Lukas. With a lost look on his face, Xander continued. "They're gonna ask why isn't Spike in hospital if he's so bad that I have to stay at home with him? Shit, what do I say if they want to visit him... everyone likes him... you know, 'Xander's little woman'. What do I do... what the *fuck* do I do?" Looking at the bewildered youth in front of him, Lukas saw that Xander was still well and truly out of his depth and wondered again if he should still be so tolerant of mixed species relationships. Lukas quickly chased that train of thought away, angry at himself for letting one disastrous relationship colour his views. "You tell them the truth." "What? I can't tell them *that*?" demanded Xander, his confusion of what to do about his job and any questions from his friends all too clear on his face. "I mean... when they come over, and they are gonna want to, what do I tell them about the way Spike looks? Jesus, we're just lucky we got that whole 'sunlight phobia' excuse going anyway so at least some weirdness is sort of explained but this... this is just waaaay too much of the weird." "No. You tell them the truth." Lukas firmly said. Taking a deep breath in an effort to stop himself from trying to shake some sense into the youth, he roughly outlined what Xander was going to say. "Truth?" "Yes and the truth is that Spike isn't well and needs home nursing. Xander, you don't have to go into any details because its no-one elses business but yours and Spikes. Whatever spin you want to put onto the situation... well, just make sure that its simple. Don't go into anything too elaborate, trust me, someone will just poke holes right through it." Nodding his head to Lukas' words and running through a few of the excuses he had already thought about, Xander started to fit a few pieces together. "Shit. I know that but I gotta come up with something that's gonna see us through the whole Summer for when Spike is totally out of the picture." Leaving Xander to rack his mind for the next few minutes, Lukas strode the few steps it took to be in the middle of the kitchen and set about making two cups of coffee. As he rummaged around the fridge and found some out of date but not quite sour milk, Lukas listened to Xander go over excuse after excuse for Spike's home nursing. "Of course! So simple. I don't have medical insurance which would mean a lengthy stay in hospital for either Spike or myself would literally bankrupt us so that leaves only....*home nursing*!" crowed Xander, sagging against the bathroom door frame as a wave of relief swept over him. "And I can always put down his condition to a setback in his recovery from the car accident? Right?" "Yeah, yeah.. that's good. You both already got it set up that Spike had a car accident so a setback makes sense." agreed Lukas, refraining from adding just how much he'd like to set Xander back in a particular way. The water boiled and pouring it into the mugs, Lukas handed one to the still unsure youth and with one hand, pushed him gently towards the bathtub. No use in Xander trying to hide from what he had done. The sooner he faced up to it, the quicker things may just get better as far as Lukas was concerned. Somehow, he wryly admitted to himself, he couldn't see anything getting better for Spike in the near future. Lukas watched somewhat sternly as Xander stepped hesitantly forward and once he had reached the tub, put the mug down on the ground and sat himself down on the edge of the white porcelain tub. The Kava demon's grave visage gave way to slight embarrassment as he realised he was witnessing a truly private moment in the way Xander kissed his fingertips before reaching down to brush them against Spikes lips, a gesture followed by light feathery strokes across the sickly grey brow. The sheer gentleness of the actions belied the brutality he had always asocciated with one Xander Harris. Uncomfortable with this new insight, Lukas coughed to gain Xander's attention. "Lukas... thanks. I.. I honestly don't know what I would have done..." Xander's words trailed off even if the intention behind them were clear. Twisting around on the bathtubs edge, Xander smiled tiredly at the Kava Demon and nodded. "Thanks." "Spike's my friend." stated Lukas simply. His discomfort increased as he watched Xander resume the gentle caressing of the vampires thin face. With an almost silent groan, Lukas found himself going back on his word. "Xander, I'll call work for you. Tell them that I only know about Spike because you needed help getting him in the bathtub or something like that.. ok?" "Really? Thanks... again, I suppose." replied the stressed youth. Realising that Lukas was waiting for something else to be said and even though he knew what it was, Xander gave it his best shot at ignoring the subject. "Can you see yourself out?" Sighing at Xander's attempt at stalling the inevitable, Lukas hated that he had to be the one to drag an obviously unwanted decision out into the open. "Diehl?" His hand pausing over Spikes delicate left eyelid, Xander swallowed hard, barely holding back a shudder as he went through his reasoning for deciding to end Diehl's life. Taking his hand away from Spike, Xander stiffly climbed to his feet and with a tight grip on one of Lukas' elbows, steered the way towards the cabin door. "Lukas..." "Xander, make a choice" "Fuck..*fuck*. I already have!" shot back Xander. Running a hand through his hair, he avoided looking that the man beside him and instead, stared at the floor. A deep breath taken to steady his nerves, Xander dragged his eyes from the floor and met Lukas' dark brown gaze. "I have made a choice... this isn't easy you know?" "It's no." Almost the instant the words came out of his mouth, Xander felt giddy and he knew that he wasn't the only one in shock about his decision. What the hell had happened to what he had decided on last night? He had been so sure he was going to say yes, damn his soul and everything and yet, already he felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Forcing himself to speak again, Xander clarified his choice as his knees went weak. "No." "You sure about that?" queried Lukas quietly, oddly disturbed at how amazed Xander had been at his own answer. Obviously, he had meant to say the opposite. Reaching out a hand to steady Xander before he wobbled to the cabin floor, Lukas walked him over to the couch and sat Xander down. "No. I mean... yeah, I guess I am but *no*. I.. I can't make that choice about another person's life.. I can't." Xander pleaded with Lukas to understand just where he was coming from. With an exasperated sigh, Xander dropped his head into his hands and sat while he waited for Lukas to answer him. His words muffled by his hands, Xander pleaded his case. "Jesus, I meant to say yes.. I had it all planned to.. to damn my soul and help with offing that bastard. But..." "But a human life is more important than a demon's?" "Yes." Unable to help himself from answering truthfully, Xander sniffled wetly as he felt the sting of hot tears well up in his eyes. Gulping down deep breaths in an effort to calm himself, he wondered suddenly if Spike always felt so shaky when he started to cry. Just that thought made Xander hate himself even more and with a heavy heave of his chest, he gave in and started to cry. His features twisting into a grimace as he took in the sobbing man in front of him, Lukas didn't know what to feel more disgusted at. The fact that Xander was just another prejudiced human who, no matter how 'enlightened' they may claim to be, were biased when it came to the crunch or that Xander knew what had to be done to both stop Diehl and make sure Spike got the best start to his lengthy recovery but was refusing to do the right thing. Yet again. Standing by the couch, Lukas swallowed his dislike for the youth and reached down a hand to awkwardly pat at the heaving shoulders. "I.. I can't do it and I want to. I do.. really but.. but it's not that.. that.." Xander started, rubbing the back of his hand across his eyes. "You don't understand?" "Understand what? That you're putting a man that you barely know before your boyfriend, someone you claim to care about.. you're right..I don't." came Lukas' icy reply as he let his hand drop from Xander's shoulder. "No... *no*! It's... it's just that things are different for you.. I'm human an-" Cutting Xander off, Lukas snapped a reply, a rare anger coloring his words. "And I'm a demon so that means the taking of life isn't as important to me as it would be to you... is that right? I wouldn't feel the guilt that you would because I don't have a soul... Are you going to tell me next that I will end up in Hell no matter what I do with my life? God, you humans are all the same.. and anyway.. I didn't ask for you to help me with Diehl... I just wanted to know if you wanted his blood for Spike" "But you're gonna kill him no matter what I say but... but if I say no then.. then I had nothing to do with it." "And your hands are clean?" Lukas clamped his hand down on Xander's shoulder, squeezing hard until the young man dropped his hands away from his face and looked up at him. Holding the weary gaze, Lukas continued. "Xander, you're a fool if you don't take this blood for Spike... who knows just how powerful it's going to be.. it could even help with his emotions.. maybe not to what he was but you just can't pass this up and trust me.. there will be plenty to spare." "Fuck Lukas.. you're not understanding me!" Xander snarled, his heavy sobs subsiding as his own anger showed. "My hands are already dirty just.. just because I know what you're gonna do to him and I hate that. This is scaring me... maybe even more than what Spike al.. already has." "You're not the only one scared.. yeah, I am too.. obviously not as much as you but I've never done this before." admitted Lukas, his anger dying down a little as he realised that Xander really was frightened by how much he was already involved in Diehls death. "Don't get me wrong, I've been hunting down Kava offenders for the better part of 30 years but this is the first time that I've ever planned a deliberate ritual Kava killing... so, I guess I'm with you on the scared front." "Sure as Hell don't show it" muttered Xander. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes for a long moment before continuing in a soft voice. "But you're still not getting me... if I accept that bastards blood then it's like I killed him and hung him up to drain dry myself... I *know* I'm gonna feel guilt for this... definitely gonna feel bad for the rest of my life for going along with it just this far and if I did help you.. then I'm gonna hate myself and if I hate myself then I'm gonna run the risk of ending up hating Spike as well for having to go through this for him a.. and... I don't want to live the rest of my life hating him because I killed someone to save him...?" "But you won't be killing him, I will. Xander, you *won't*.. OK?" "He doesn't deserve my hate, I'm scared because up and til five minutes ago, I.. I was willing to risk it. Xander stated quietly, unconsciously pleading with Lukas to understand where he was coming from. Eyeing the clearly upset youth, Lukas sighed. "And what if he ends up hating you because you didn't risk it?" "I can't... I just *can't*!" replied Xander with a just as lengthy sigh. "I want him to get better so bad but this.. step, it's just too much. Please don't ask me again because... I.. I don't know if I would be able to say no." "Xand-" Xander cut Lukas off quickly, his breath hitching as he spoke, the long hours of exhaustion and strain all too easy to hear. "Please.. don't?" The Kava demon hesitated for a minute before moving to sit beside Xander on the couch, Lukas himself starting to feel some of the strain from the previous hours. The men sat in uncomfortable silence, the time passing unoticed as they both slipped deep into private thoughts. A soft cough from Lukas broke the uneasy quiet. "You want Spike to have Diehl's blood but you don't want any part o-.., no.. just hear me out a minute,.. but you don't want any part of it.. that right?" "Yeah" "OK" "OK? Lukas..?" started Xander tentively, sitting upright for a second or two before slumping back down against the couch. "Shit, just don't tell me all right?" "Not going to, even if you ask" replied Lukas with a tight half smile. He just couldn't believe how typically 'human' Xander was being, the youth was more than happy to accept the benefits of an illegal activity but only if he had no part in the activity itself. What angered Lukas more was the way Xander was obviously willing to fall back on his upbringing from Sunnydale. Turn an innocent blind eye to the truth until it affects you and then, deliberately blind the other eye so you can continue to deny. Then again, maybe he shouldn't blame Xander on the latter count, it wasn't Xander's fault that humans were basically an ignorant race and it was a race that had flourished from living an existence of ignorance. With a slight shake of his head, Lukas wondered if he should just take Spike home with him anyway, no matter how much Spike was going to need Xander over the next few weeks. Rubbing a hand across his eyes, the Kava Demon immediately dismissed the idea as he recalled all that he had heard about 'The Shaming'. As much as he wanted to cut Xander out of the picture as soon as possible, Lukas knew that because Spike had started 'The Shaming' to get Xander's attention, then Xander had to be the one that nursed Spike to recovery. Stifling a groan at the thought of Xander being able to assert even more influence over Spike in the next few weeks, Lukas was suddenly struck with an idea. "Got a 'special' shipment due in by the end of the week" Lukas stated quietly, a brief grin flashing over his face as he grew to like his idea even more. "Shit. Yeah and?" Xander prompted, massaging his throbbing temples. Staring unseeingly at the floor between his feet, he waited for the man to continue. "And it's special because only I get to handle it" "What? Oh...oohhhh. Sure, got you" nodded the tired youth, hoping he really did get what Lukas was trying to imply. After a moment, Xander realised he didn't quite get it. "Ummm.. actually, I don't so...?" "Xander, you don't touch it at *all*." "At all.. but I have to.. I mean, to a point... Look Lukas, I'm tryin' here but I'm so very tired and it's gonna be a looong day so please, just tell me what you're getting at?" pleaded Xander, dragging his gaze from the floor to look at the dark man beside him. With a weary half grin, he gestured for Lukas to explain. "Simple. I feed Spike... nah.. nah, don't stress. I'm not going to open a vein or anything and yeah, I can see from the look on your face that's exactly what you just thought." Unable to hide the small smile that had emerged as a result of Xander's almost freak out, Lukas nudged a wide-eyed Xander in the ribs in an effort to get the boy back on track. "Like I said, don't stress. Not that stupid and I certainly don't want Spike thinking he's gonna owe me anymore than he already will. All I'm gonna do is be the one to feed him the 'special' shipment. Probably not even gonna take a day or so" "And because you're the one feeding him... I'll be doing what.. be out somewhere?" Lukas felt his breath catch as he saw the edge of a golden opportunity. If he was alone with Spike, while the vampire's defences were down and Xander was nowhere near... then there would be nothing stopping Lukas from being able to work on Spike leaving Xander. This time, Lukas would have to added benefit of Spike being conscious for the talk. Hoping that he was acting normally, Lukas drew a deep breath before answering. "Yeah... you can do the groceries... stock up on a few weeks food.. you know because looking after Spike is gonna be pretty much full time for the next few weeks. Who knows when you'll get another chance and I'll be here if anything happens." "And nothing better happen" said Xander grimly. He desperately wanted Spike to get the best recovery possible and he knew without a doubt, Diehl's blood was going to be of great benefit to Spike. However, as he had stated only minutes before, Xander wasn't willing to go the extra length to give Spike that advantage but now, with Lukas' offer, Xander could literally look the other way. Sure, his hands were still dirty and he was already feeling bad for getting involved this far, but as long as he didn't actually touch any of Diehl's blood himself, then, as far as he was concerned, he really didn't get involved at all... did he? His mind made up to turn a blind eye to save his lover, Xander wondered if there was still going to be a hand basket to Hell reserved for him for when the time came. Nodding slowly at first before making his agreement clear, Xander aired his choice. "Yeah.. but like I said.. I don't know anything?" "Sure and it's gonna be delivered Thursday or Friday... I'll call you before I come over ok?" Lukas smiled at the youth, all the while vowing that he was going to get more brochures from the Womens Health Clinic on domestic violence and this time, he was going to read them to Spike. Rising to his feet, Lukas managed to suppress the urge to punch Xander in the face and instead, gave him a hearty slap across his bare back. Wincing at the strength of Lukas' gesture, Xander got up from the couch and followed his guest to the cabin door. Thanking Lukas again for all his help, Xander saw the friendly Fijian leave, squinting into the darkness of the early morning before closing the door and locking it. With a hope that Lukas remembered to call work for him, Xander slowly made his way towards the bathroom, this time, seeing the trail of dry blood and grimacing at how long it was going to take him to clean it up. Passing by the spare bedroom, he shuddered as he took a quick peek inside. Unable to help himself, he gagged as he took in the ruined mattress, pillow and bedclothes. There was no doubt about it, all of them had to be burned and with a glance at the floor of the bedroom, Xander mentally added the once cream rug to the bonfire as well. Until he got around to buying a double mattress, it looked like he was going to be sleeping on the couch while Spike got the good mattress. His heart sinking at that thought of moving Spike to the main bedroom, Xander turned and left the gory scene to walk into the bathroom. Standing at the side of the bathtub, he stared down at the sickly vampire lying curled in the bottom of the tub. "Hey Spike... I hear you're doing better?" 6 March, Tuesday, 2001 5.00 pm True to his earlier words, it had been a busy day. From the time Lukas had left, Xander hadn't really stopped. First on the day's agenda had been to call Giles and inform the older man that Spike had made some sort of improvement and again, Xander had had to sit and listen to Giles worry about just how to tell Buffy about what Riley had done to Spike. As he had sat on the bathroom floor, alternately giving Spike's face what he hoped were reassuring pats and making comments in response to Giles' conversation, Xander realised that he was somewhat relieved that he wasn't the unfortunate person who had to break Buffy's heart. As much as he hated Riley and was sometimes annoyed by Buffy's attitude towards him, Xander did have to admit that they made for an 'all American' poster couple and not only that, but Buffy was genuinely in love with Riley. Xander had longed to tell Giles about his suspicions of what Angel was going to do to Riley once the vampire caught up with the taller blond but there was no way that he wanted Buffy to find out about it and be able to link to back to him and Spike. If that happened, then Xander could quite literally kiss Spike goodbye as the former bleached blond got staked by an irate Slayer. As for himself, Xander had only been able to grimace in distaste at the thought of Buffy being angry with him. He had only really been able to offer his sympathies to Giles for the older man having to be the one to break the news to Buffy and as he had done so, Xander had vowed to be a good friend and be as supportive as Buffy needed and for as long as she asked him to be. Hanging up from Giles, Xander's stomach had decided that one cup of coffee in over 24 hours did not make for reasonable sustenance and with the more than subtle hint of an angrily growling stomach, Xander had reluctantly left Spike's side to scrounge up some breakfast for himself. Two cheese and ham sandwiches, complete with stale bread, and Xander managed to gag down enough to quieten his complaining stomach for a while. Sitting back down at Spike's side with a cup of coffee in his hand, Xander had steeled himself to call Angel in LA, a very less than welcome task especially as Spike's Sire had made it perfectly clear that he wasn't going to be helping either Spike or himself again. Still, even with that knowledge, Xander had felt obliged to at least give Deadboy and Wesley a courtesy call to tell them how Spike was doing. A phone call that had taken less than a few minutes to complete thanks to Angel's bluntness, Xander in slight shock of how rude Angel had been in the end. The words of 'don't call here again unless it's only to speak to Cordelia, Wes and I don't want to know' rang in his ears as Angel had none too gently hung up first. Disappointed by Angel’s attitude and yet not really expecting anything more, Xander had been more than safe in the knowledge that no matter how much the older vampire disliked him and Spike, the details as to the true nature of his relationship would be kept safe from Cordelia until Xander himself made the decision to tell his former girlfriend that he was now as good in stuffing up relationships with the other team as he was with women. Putting aside his disappointment over Angel, Xander had rung the small supermarket in Pennington’s Mall, ordering bread, milk and enough bare essentials to see him through until Lukas came over on Thursday or Friday. Asking for them to be delivered, Xander had next called the local pharmacy, getting advice from the pharmacy assistant Julie on how to treat extremely dry skin. Xander had gotten Julie to add the sorbalene/10% glycerin cream and Dermaveen Oatmeal Bath Soak to the Supermarket delivery before making another phone call to the supermarket to add a bottle of extra-light Olive Oil to the order. Once he had Spike's bed made, Xander would soak Spike in a luke warm Dermaveen bath before patting the vampire dry and smothering him in a mixture of the olive oil and sorbalene/glyercin. All in an effort to make the cracked dry skin less painful for Spike and hopefully speeding up his recovery. With all the important phone calls out of the way, Xander had placed a last call to Mac at work to explain why he wouldn't be in until Spike was feeling better. After spending a few minutes downplaying his bosses concern with Spike’s well being, Xander had been somewhat relieved that he would be able to take all the holiday's due to him as well as the four Rostered Day's Off that he had been saving up. When asked if he might need more time off other than the two and a half weeks owed to him, Xander had been unable to hold back a wave of shame as he had quietly stated that he had no idea just how long it was going to take Spike to get better. A groan from Spike had seen him almost throw the phone across the room in fright, a hurried goodbye to Mac and Xander had been instantly transfixed by the wretched creature curled in the bathtub. Hesitantly, Xander had spoken softly to Spike, encouraging him to open his eyes or move all the while trying to make sure his voice radiated with happiness. Even if Xander was exhausted, he made sure that Spike didn't hear it. For over an hour, Xander had touched Spike all over, his face twisted in a grimace as he forced himself to ignore his revulsion at making contact with the dry cracked skin and to give Spike the reassurance that he needed. Once, Spike's eyes had fluttered open, the vampire staring straight ahead for a mere few seconds before the eyelids had drooped shut again. In that moment, Xander's heart had skipped a beat as he had seen just how lifeless they were. Spike’s limbs had twitched and jerked continually, Xander putting it down to Angel's blood still working its way through Spike’s traumatised body. Finally, Xander had to heed the urgent call of nature and leave Spike’s side once again. As stupid as it was, Xander had given a weak chuckle as he had turned his back towards Spike while he had attempted to pee into the toilet, all in the name of giving himself more privacy. "Jesus... not like Spike hasn't seen my dick before," said Xander with another little half-hearted chuckle as he tucked himself away and adjusted his track pants. Of course Spike had seen his penis before, but never had Spike been in the bathroom along with Xander when, according to Spike, Xander indulged in 'gross human stuff... like, making a donation in the sewerage appeal', therefore, Xander couldn't help but feel a little strange at having another presence in the room. Albeit, a virtually comatose presence. There *had* been one scary confrontation when Xander had accidentally run out of toilet paper and had had to threaten Spike with a kicked arse before a fresh roll had been thrown at him through a barely open door. Threaten? Kick Spike’s arse? "Nah, lets face it. Would be more like a couple a kicks in the ribs... punch in the face, Hell, how about a good ol' fisting?" Gazing at himself in the medicine cabinet’s mirror, Xander noted the dark circles underneath his eyes, the overgrown five o'clock shadow and a lone smear of dried blood that stained one cheek. He felt like crap and obviously, he looked like it as well. However, Xander was unable to ignore the thrum of excitement that flared up within him at the obscene thought of thrusting a clenched fist deep inside the stretched rectum of a bound and helpless Spike even as he silently directed the question to himself. As he stared into the mirror, Xander was disgusted with himself as he reluctantly acknowledged that, once again, it was the whole issue of Spike being helpless and relying solely on him that made the fantasy so much more appealing. Suddenly, even as he gripped the sides of the small hand basin tightly, Xander let his head fall forward, sighing raggedly as his forehead thumped none too gently onto the smooth surface. "Sick. Fuck, I have to be to keep thinking this shit is normal. Oh. Sick... sick... sick but let’s not forget about being a liar and a coward. Oh yeah, major passing rate in those." His head still against the mirror, Xander turned slightly so that he was looking towards the bathtub and its lone occupant. Raising his voice, Xander repeated his promise to Spike as the vampire opened and closed his mouth in quick repetition. "I swear to God Spike, to anyone who is listening right now… I swear that I *will* get help. I promise to be a better man. I wanna be so good to you that you'll want to stay, not because you're afraid I'm gonna go mental and hurt you if you leave but… Because. You. Want. To. Stay." Xander's voice tapered off as he continued his promise to Spike. After a moment, he spoke again but in such a quiet tone, he was really only mouthing the words. "I promise that I will love you. I don't know when, oh fuck, or even if I ever will. I'm so sorry but I promise to at least try." Slowly, Xander turned away from Spike, twisting the taps at the basin so a lukewarm stream of water ran over his dirty hands. His mind whirling with the idea that he could one day come to love Spike, Xander set about washing his hands of the dried blood, continuing to clean himself up to the elbows before turning off the taps and drying his hands and arms with a towel taken from underneath the bathroom sink. Somewhat mechanically, Xander rubbed the stiff towel over himself, his thoughts concentrating on the relationship between himself and the vampire. Could he ever really love Spike? This was the foremost question swirling around his mind and as another thought occurred to him, Xander dropped the towel on the floor and without another look towards Spike, walked out to the cabin’s main room. Sitting heavily on the couch, Xander forced himself to forgo his usual tendency to ignore any serious matters and instead, concentrate on the matters at hand. With a deep breath, Xander prepared himself to face the ugly and violent truth of his relationship with Spike. He didn't love Spike. That was much was clear and something that Xander had already admitted to Spike a few months earlier but the fact remained, he did more than just like Spike. Even though they had been having sex for over a year, in the beginning, Xander hadn't even remotely attempted to like Spike. Instead, he had relished the power of having a once powerful enemy at his beck and call, an enemy that was, for the most part, no better than a savage animal. "Oh God, I can't believe I just thought that!" groaned Xander, dropping his head into his hands even as he mentally nodded to himself that yes, no matter how often vampires displayed human traits and emotions, Xander had always considered them no more than smart but evil animals. Even finding the horrifically injured Spike had done nothing to change his mind, Xander only going so far as to think along the lines of Spike as a brain damaged and badly spooked dog. The same dog that needed to be 'reminded' every now and again. "I am *such* a pig but hey, Giles' fault as well." Xander admitted with a false nonchalance, putting some of the blame on an ex-Watcher who hadn't done anything to change Xander's opinion once he had aired it a few times. Actually, that wasn't fair, Xander decided. Although Giles hadn't said that Xander's opinion was wrong, the older man hadn't said it was right either, instead letting all three of the friends go along thinking that they were helping to rid the world of an overabundance of vicious animals. Of course, when it came down to the crunch, all that mattered was that Buffy didn't think too much about these types of things and just did her job. Xander found himself suppressing a small shudder as he had a vision of a Slayer who refused to do her job simply because she didn't want to kill sentient beings and Xander wasn't even going to drag the example of Angel into his thoughts. Sometimes, ignorance was bliss and as Sunnydale had proved, ignorance could be the safest option and the most lethal. However, no matter what Giles did or did not say back in Sunnydale, there was no excuse for Xander to continue the abuse of an 'animal' that others had started. Sitting stock still for a moment, Xander felt a wave of guilt flow through him as he couldn't help but recall the night in the basement in which he had started his Claiming of Spike. Nor could he deny how powerful he had felt as his hands had twisted between silky bleached locks of hair all the while causing Spike to gag in panic as he had concentrated in forcing his cock as far down the vampire’s throat as he could before adding to Spike’s debasement by withdrawing and cuming on the pale face. Xander had been in the throes of one of his rare black moods, an occasion where his temper surpassed his usual anger. Even though he knew he had a shocking temper, Xander frequently getting angry and upset, he had always managed to hide it from his friends by the way of joking around all the while allowing his anger to build until he was able to go home and let it out with no-one around, bar the basement walls, to witness it. The next day, Xander would have to step around shredded clothing, broken dishes, smashed glasses and other goods he had literally torn apart with his bare hands, all too often having to stop at Walmart on his way home to buy one or two posters to cover up the new dents and cracks in the basement walls. Something he hadn't had to do in a while because as horrible as it was to admit, Xander had found that punching and kicking Spike was a fantastic form of release. That night however, he hadn't meant to Claim Spike. Even though his next thought was causing him to squirm in shame, Xander forced himself to follow its lead. No, he had had no intention of sticking his dick anywhere near Spike but as he had grabbed at the cowering vampire with sole purpose of giving Spike a good belting, Xander had been subject to a sight that he had never seen before. A vampire cowering from him. Not just any run of the mill vampire but Spike, William the Bloody who had countless kills under his belt and always sneered at him, only ever having a cruel taunt for someone he considered well below him, even with the chip. A once proud individual that had never given him a second thought, let alone a first, was frightened of him, Xander Harris the lowly donut boy. As he had stood over Spike, years of frustration and embarrassment of being everyone’s whipping boy had come to a head and without a second thought as he had recalled what he had read in one of Giles' hidden books, Xander had switched over to auto-pilot, and let himself get lost in the pleasure of becoming the Alpha. The next day, even though Xander had been aghast by what he had done, he had been unable to feel too guilty by his actions and had felt justified when he had seen how submissive Spike was towards him. As far as Xander had been concerned, Spike now knew who the boss was. Still, Xander had made a point of apologising to Spike only because he had been unsettled by the way Spike had flinched every time he had come near him. And so, a pattern of abuse had been set. One that was still continuing. Never had a whole week gone by without Xander yelling at Spike for some small thing whether it be that Spike had flooded the bathroom, broken a plate while drying the dishes or... "Punchin' the shit outta him just because he's already cringing from me," Said Xander as he finished off his train of thought. "Jesus, I don't have a boyfriend...lover...or even a fucking friend… I have a victim. I have my Mom! Sure, he doesn't hit back like she does but he's still like my Mom." Xander was horrified by his thoughts. As bad as he already knew the relationship was, it was only by sitting down and consciously thinking about it that really showed how skewed it actually was. But still the fact remained, as much as Xander was bad for Spike's well-being, being around the vampire had allowed Xander to make decisions that he normally would never had had the opportunity to make. For example, deciding he was mature enough to make the conscious decision of taking on the responsibility of Spike's well-being... well, OK, he obviously wasn't good for Spike at all but he had actually been the only one out of his friends, including Willow and Tara, who had agreed to allow Spike to stay with him. Of course, the discussion had only taken place after Xander had Claimed Spike so it was inevitable that Xander's property was going to stay where it belonged, not that he had ever come right out and dared call Spike that to his face. Another big change had been Xander becoming comfortable in being attracted to another male, never mind the fact that Spike had made for the only non-threatening male in his life to experiment with. Even if Xander had only found himself accepting his sexuality within the confines of the basement and later, the apartment, it had still been a huge step for him to even be able to admit he was attracted to other men. Xander had continued to exploit Spike’s vulnerability, content to ignore the vampire whenever he had dared try to voice his opinion regarding one of Xander's decisions. It had only been after Spike had been forced to tell Xander who had attacked him in the crypt that Xander had started to accept that Spike wasn't just a brain-damaged animal needing 'reminders' every so often. Xander had realised that vampires could be hurt emotionally and psychologically, especially as he had put two and two together, finally working out why Spike had hidden every time Riley had come around to the apartment. On being told of whom had permanently damaged Spike, Xander had found himself beyond angry, and for the first time since Spike had moved in with him, more than a little worried about the vampire’s safety. Shifting slightly in his seat, Xander felt himself go red as he pushed ahead with his current thought. If he was going to be truthful with himself, then he had to state the bald truth. He had been more concerned with getting his property damaged than anything else. "And what did I do?" Xander muttered to himself. "Gave him a few kicks, a couple of punches and told him to stay inside… all for his own 'safety'" His words ending with a self depreciating snort, Xander let himself continue with his soul searching. "Shit, it's *me* he needs to be kept safe from." Fuck, Xander thought, even when he had been nice to Spike, he had only done it to apologise for terrifying the vampire. All the new nail polishes, the collection of 'I'm sorry, come on... you know it's my temper' punk rock CDs and even the rare outings to the movies had been pathetic attempts at glossing over his temper issues. What had been more pathetic had been how cautiously happy Spike had been to receive them. Xander could almost see Spike smiling hesitantly even as the vampire slowly reached out a pale hand to take a gift bag from Xander's hands. Hell, even the gift bags hadn't lasted long, after the first few months, Spike had been lucky to get a crumpled pre-used paper bag. Cringing in on himself, Xander gave a low moan as he recalled how excited Spike had been each time Xander had given him permission to go shopping with Willow and Tara. Xander had never straight out said, 'You have the permission to socialise' but that's what it boiled down to. Each time the girls had come over to see if Xander wanted to go shopping with them, Spike had always hung back until Xander had indicated that Spike was to come as well. A Master giving his slave permission to venture forth, the privilege of being at his Master's side in public. "He would just stand there, all quiet and... and... waiting," Xander stated to the otherwise silent room, his eyes starting to burn as a fresh flood of tears threatened to fall. "I mean, he isn't my slave and he sure as hell isn't a dog but... I click my fingers and he jumps. Doesn't matter how high... just does. Never really thought about it until now. Fuck, I thought we were friends." And despite everything that Xander had inflicted on Spike, he honestly thought that they had settled into a genuine friendship. But Xander felt his stomach churn as he came to slowly realise even though Spike did like... love... him, he never would have dared treat his best friend, Willow, as inhumanely as he treated Spike every day. Actually, he wouldn't have treated a dog as he did Spike, the thought wouldn't even have crossed his mind. Xander thought back to his and Willow’s friendship, smiling softly to himself even as his eyes started to water. With Willow, there was everything a good friendship was built out of, love, laughter, trust, shared secrets, conversations, happiness, the occasional argument, the ability to forgive and the acceptance of change. Xander felt his chest clench as he flitted through memories of time spent with Willow, the two of them alone together in a private place where no-one would find them. Despite both their reputations for Uber-babbling, there had been many-a-time in where a whole day had been spent in companiable silence. Both of them just relishing each other's company. Emitting a long ragged sigh, Xander wanted nothing more to be able to unload all his troubles on his best friend but even as he was about to give into the urge to get up and make a call to Sunnydale, he knew he just couldn't cope with Willow being disappointed and angry at him. Xander felt his ears go red in humiliation as he envisaged a phone call in where he would have to tell Willow that he was following in his father’s footsteps, Xander sniffling wetly as he imagined a soft sad 'Oh Xander'. That's all Willow would have to say for Xander to spin into his own version of The Shaming, not that Spike hadn't already pushed him close to it. Nothing Willow said after those two words would make as big a dint in his self-esteem as anything else that had happened over the past few days. With another sigh, Xander forced himself back onto track regarding his thoughts on Spike. He and Spike didn't even have a real friendship, more of a 'do as you're told and you won't get a beating' thing happening. But still, Xander had continued to make choices on what he thought was best for the vampire, even if they had been little ones and because of this, Xander had been forced to adjust his own life in various ways. The biggest conscious decision he had had to make had come as a sort of shock in as how easy it had been to make. The decision to leave his best friends, his family and work mates all to protect what was his. Spike. But he had done it and with only a few days thought as well. Xander had been ready for a change though and Spike had really been a convenient excuse but the fact remained, it had been the threat to Spike that had forced him to finally commit to what had only been a re-occurring yet idle option. If he thought about it properly, Xander had taken another huge step in declaring himself 'out'. Sure, he still had to tell his parents and best friends but that was easily fixed with a few phone calls. His parents would go ballistic and, as Xander could only hope, prompt his parents into cutting all bonds. Xander already knew that Willow and Tara would be there for him 100%, even long distance while Buffy would take longer but with an already cautious yet supportive Giles to work on her, Xander knew his new sexual identity wouldn't be an issue for long. Cordelia could be relied on for a 'Well, duh!'. Apart from Stan, his work mates hadn't had a problem with his preferences and neither did his circle of friends in Alaska. He still wasn't too keen on being one half of Pennington’s only 'out' gay couple but he was getting there. To tell the truth, Xander had thought that since he was in a small town situated in a state that didn't have the best tolerance levels, he would have met with more homophobia than he already had. Something that he was continually thankful for each time he read about the occasional gay-bashing in the Alaskan Times. At the time though, Xander had thought that admitting his sexuality to his work mates and the true nature of his relationship with his 'cousin' was the biggest step of his life, now however, allowing a murder to occur for the benefit of Spike was going to result in a decision with life-long ramifications. A decision that was going to be for the benefit of both Spike and Lukas. Xander hated that it was going to happen but couldn't help thinking that Diehl’s death would go a long way into showing Spike that he was willing to risk everything so that Spike would get well again. Surely it proved that Xander was thinking about Spike’s needs this time and not his own? It would be another big step, this time in the right direction. Recalling his earlier rant about doing an AA style meeting in domestic violence, Xander couldn't help but allow his grin to get larger even as he nodded to himself. He could do that. He could get up in front of people and admit he beat Spike, sure, he would be bright red, as ashamed as Hell and more than likely wanting to punch something... "And lets just focus on the something aspect here and not the somebody..." said Xander, a genuine grin ghosting over his face as he finally felt a glimmer of hope for his future with Spike. Yeah, he could definitely fix what he had with Spike. All it was going to take was time and patience. As he got up and walked to the main bedroom to get his bed ready for Spike, Xander steadfastly ignored the hard-on he had been sporting ever since he had gone over the first violent blow job in Sunnydale. *NEW* 10 March, Thursday, 2001 7.23 pm As exhausted as he felt, Spike stared up at the ceiling, his vampiric ability ensuring he could make out the numerous cracks throughout the paint in the pitch black of the main bedroom. Spike was unable to sleep as he listened to yet another visitor, this time Stephanie, ask Xander what the doctor had said about Spike's 'sudden relapse'. Spike shifted around on the single mattress, frowning at how hard it was for him to do such a simple thing as turn on his side, feeling shaky and heavy. His skin felt tight; Spike fancied that he could almost hear it ripping apart as he stretched out a leg, paper-thin slivers torn from his flesh with the tiniest of movements. A few times, he had held a hand to his face, watching in a sort of weird fascination as dried skin flaked from his long fingers, sprinkling onto his chest. When Spike had followed the fall of one tiny, wrinkled snowflake, he hadn't been able to see where it had landed, the grey particle becoming anonymous amongst thousands as his whole body peeled at an astounding rate. Much like someone who had been caught out in the sun for a lengthy period and was now suffering the after effects of sunburn. He shuddered, teeth clenched as a bone deep itch flared the whole length of the bottom of his right foot, an unwanted reminder that not even his soles and palms had been spared from the continual itch as new skin fought its way to the surface. Spike just wanted to take to himself with a wire brush, scour at his skin until he bled... throw himself onto a bed of nails, rolling from one side to the other... anything for a bit of relief but the itch was nowhere near as frustrating as his constant thirst. No matter how much blood he drank, Spike was left with a dry mouth and the desperate need for more. The first day after 'waking up', the desire for anything liquid had been so overwhelming that, once all the blood was gone and the jug of iced water finished, in less than five minutes, Spike had downed the four gallons of milk that Xander had only just paid for via home delivery. Xander had knelt beside the bed, staring at Spike with open mouthed amazement even as he had poured glass after glass for Spike; helping to hold the glass to Spike's mouth when Spike proved far to weak to manage on his own. Xander watched the vampire cough and splutter in his desperation to get some moisture back into his body, while he had wiped at the rivers of milk dribbling down the light grey chin. Finally, it had been a bloated stomach and severe cramping that had forced Spike to turn his head from the glass of Coke resting against his bottom lip, his thirst barely sated, yet Spike had been sure he would vomit if he took just one more sip of *anything*. His throat wasn't as dry as a few days before, and Spike was able to cope with the nagging want for refreshment much better, even though his tongue felt overly large; as if it didn't fit inside his mouth properly. Spike was bone tired. Exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. His vampire senses seemed to be lacking, not as honed and sharp as they should have been. His game face hadn't come to the surface once while feeding. Worried as he was, Spike was sure that, after a decent rest and a few more meals of human blood, everything would be right again. Still, Spike was finding that he felt 'out of it'; he couldn't really put it into words. Spike just felt... odd, like his head was wrapped in cotton wool. Because he was frequently lapsing into deep sleep, he was oblivious to many of the visitors turning up at their front door. Every now and again, he heard voices he recognised; Cyril, Spit and Fitzy, the whole of the local pharmacy, even the elderly identical twins that ran Pennington’s small supermarket. Just about every single one of them bringing some sort of foil covered meal or casserole for them both; Xander's laughter had been slightly strained as he joked that there was no more room in the freezer and that he was going to have to start having lamb casserole for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Only earlier that morning, Xander had been grinning from ear to ear as he ticked off on his fingers the one chocolate cake, one strawberry sponge cake, complete with freshly whipped cream and sliced strawberries on top and three plum puddings that had been left with him over the past three days, along with sincere wishes for Spike to be well soon. Even as Xander had made light of their friends' generosity, Spike could see that the youth's smile was forced, Xander not quite looking at Spike as he told the vampire who had visited while Spike was asleep. More often than not, it was Lukas he heard. Spike was sure that, even dead to the world in a deep slumber, he could sense Lukas in the room with him. Certainly he could smell the Fijian within the confines of the main bedroom. Spike snorted to himself, he would have to tell Lukas that, just because he had touched Spike's old fella, it didn't mean Lukas had the right to perve at a bloke when he was sleeping. ~ Never woulda figured that one for a poof. What the hell did he think he was doin', givin' me todger a right fiddle about? Still, from what the boy tells me, should be bloody well thankful he was around to help. ~ He grinned, pulling the corner of the comforter up around his shoulders, refusing to acknowledge that his hands shook from the effort. If he had one true friend in the world, it was Lukas. Nosy sod and all. From what he had been able to get out of a somewhat reluctant Xander, Lukas had sat with Spike for hours on end, giving Xander a much needed rest from caring for Spike. Spike was sure that he had been able to hear the fellow demon's much deeper voice as Spike had flitted in and out of consciousness. ~ Owe the bugger big for this. F' me, already owe for all the human I've had an' all I'm still gonna be havin' but what he did for the boy... dunno if I can ever repay that? ~ Spike might be feeling and looking like the literal death warmed over but at least he was out of the bathtub. He shivered, the possibility of falling ill again looming over him, no matter how many times Xander had told him that it wasn't going to happen again. Yesterday morning, Spike had finally been strong enough to sign complete sentences. With his courage gathered, as Xander had plonked himself on the blowup double mattress beside Spike's single one, Spike asked *what* had happened to him. Spike had listened to Xander's reply, the explanation dotted with umm's, ahhh's and awkward silences. He had been alternately fascinated, confused and horrified by what had happened to him. He could understand how a 'flash' could bring on a blood nose, the soddin' thing brought on enough headaches so a blood nose wasn't that far fetched, but to bleed so much that he was only a few hours from crumbling into dust, well, that was just beyond him at the moment. As for Xander, it was beyond his understanding as well. When Spike pressed the reluctant youth, Xander said there had been some sort of vague reference in one of Wesley's books; something about a rare occurrence when a vampire's blood didn't clot properly which led to the dehydration that only Sire or Claimant's blood could help alleviate. Unable to even contemplate locating Diehl, his real Claimant, let alone asking for a pint of blood, Xander had been forced to ask for Angel's help. Still, even with the lingering taste of Sire's blood in his mouth, Spike couldn't really believe Angel had gotten off his lard arse and actually agreed to help Xander, and more importantly, Spike. The sheer fact that he could smell the older vampire's faint scent wafting from the bathroom had forced Spike to accept that Xander hadn't been making the story up and that it had been a severe 'flash' that had made him sick, not a beating as he had first thought. Nevertheless, Spike was at a loss to understand why Angel had decided to help instead of letting Spike die. ~ Things musta got pretty bloody rotten for me Sire to lend a hand. Thought the bugger woulda jumped for joy to learn of me almost kicking it? Can't hate the ol' Nancy too much now, him an' his boy wonder. Still rip his cock off sooner than look at him though. ~ Again and again, Spike had turned the question of 'why' over in his mind. *Why* had Angel helped them, *why* now? Spike was still trying to remember what had caused the 'flash'; every previous one had been brought on by stress. He must have been in the grip of a major panic attack for the chip to cause such problems. What the hell had happened? Why was he in such a stressed out state on Sunday night? Instinctively, Spike knew that there was more to the explanation than Xander had told him so far, but every time Spike gestured at Xander to tell all, the boy had become fidgety, a too bright grin plastered on his face as Xander waved Spike's questions aside. With a shake of his head, Spike pushed the puzzle to one side, just the thought of it tiring him enough so that he yawned. Whenever Xander decided to tell him the rest of the story would be fine. As far as Spike was concerned, being alive was the main thing. Such reasoning did nothing to quell the constant unease that tickled the back of his mind. The feeling that something was very wrong refused to leave him, no matter how hard he tried to ignore it. Lifting his hand to rub at an itch on the bridge of his nose, Spike grimaced as he took in how emaciated he still was, his hand looking like the stereotypical old crone's claw from the movies. With a small shudder, Spike thought back to his reaction when he had first become conscious of how ill he had really been, and still was. It had been the sting of the lukewarm bathwater and a faint aroma of warm oatmeal that had wakened Spike from a light slumber only two days before, the vampire finally able to gesture enough at Xander for the youth to realise that Spike was awake, if not physically capable of much movement. Xander had been ecstatic, the scent of relief pouring off Xander had almost engulfed him, prompting Spike to try and sign Xander's name. The resulting gestures hadn't even been close but nonetheless, the sheer effort of being able to bring his hands together and wiggling his fingers had been enough for Xander to kiss him on the forehead. Spike had opened his eyes, Xander's face swimming before him. A good minute had passed before Spike had been able to focus on Xander's worried brown eyes and the first thought that had come to his mind had been that Xander looked like shit. The dark circles under Xander's eyes and pasty complexion making him look nearly as ill as Spike had felt. Xander had brought Spike's hand to his lips, grazing his mouth over the cool flesh, but not before Spike had recognised the revulsion that had flickered over Xander's weary face, and the youth had scrubbed the back of his other hand over his mouth. Still too weak to sign even a few letters to ask what the look had been about, it wasn't until Xander had tipped him forward to wash Spike's back that Spike even had an inkling of what his condition was like and as he had taken a good look at himself, Spike hadn't been able to blame Xander one bit for not wanting to kiss him. Spike hadn't been able to scream, too exhausted from the effort of keeping his eyes open and not giving into the darkness beckoning to him. Instead, he had stared in shock at his legs, uttering low grunts of horror as he slowly ran his gaze from his too long toenails, up his withered legs, to his hairless crotch and limp, shrivelled penis. Spike had been instantly disgusted at seeing the long layers of dry skin literally falling from his entire body, his grunting turning into a sharp whine. At his obvious distress, Xander had patted his head, the callused, too hot hand allowing Spike to realise that it wasn't just his lower body that was affected by *whatever* had struck him down. As Xander stroked his hand over Spike's scalp, the vampire had become aware of his lack of hair and, twisting his head to one side, he forced himself to lift his right arm a bare inch, instantly feeling faint when he saw that his armpit was as hairless as his crotch. Dropping his gaze, Spike had started to pant in distress as he counted the ribs on his right side. His panting increased as he ran his eyes over his concave stomach; his once perfectly proportioned six-pack of muscles had atrophied into oblivion and his hipbones were hideously prominent. God only knew what his face and the rest of his body looked like but the way he had felt and going by what he had already seen, Spike had known it wasn't going to be pretty. The blackness swirling at the back of his mind had rushed forth, swallowing his conscious mind as Spike wondered if he had somehow become a victim of spontaneous mummification. ~ Stupid git, fainted like the big girl I am. Guess the name, 'Xander's little woman' is now more appropriate than ever! ~ Unable to hold back a small smile, Spike continued to ignore the nagging discomfort of 'not quite right', instead, he savoured the small glow of happiness that warmed him from the very pit of his stomach. All that time spent in the bathtub, in pain and terrified beyond all reason of what was happening to him, and all because of a stupid, faulty chip. Spike had lain motionless, drifting in and out of what could only have been hallucinations for hours. His mind had been so addled from pain and worry; Spike had thought he heard Xander talking to himself, barely discernible mutterings of apologies and promises that Spike didn't believe for an instant. Spike had only really come to as he had felt Lukas touching his body, the too big hand shifting his cock, jerking him from his slumber, and even then he had still lapsed into periods of deep sleep every now and again. His smile broadening, Spike gave a quiet laugh. ~ Christ, I was so off the f'n bloody planet, thought I heard him an' Lukas' talking 'bout murder. Dickhead, that's what I am at times. ~ Sure, OK... Spike could go so far as to believe that Xander would promise not to force Spike into stuff he didn't want to do anymore, not that Spike really held out any hope of that, but nothing on the planet would allow Spike to believe Xander would murder someone. That much he knew, without a doubt, was just the result of a fairly severe hallucination. The boy wasn't like that, too much of a White Knight to even consider something so wrong. Just the thought of it was stupid. Spike shook his head, his quiet laughter the only sound in the darkened room. It was times like these that he was glad he was a vampire; he didn't have a reflection that would show how foul he actually looked compared to how he felt. And yet, even with that thought, Spike couldn't help but wonder what he actually looked like for Xander to be so repulsed by him. He sighed, rubbing his hand slowly across his scalp, feeling the soft tufts of hair ripple underneath the palm of his hand. Although it was growing back, his hair was barely half an inch long. Only late last night, Xander had joked that he was going to buy Spike a snow beanie for him to wear until it was a better length. Spike had stuck his tongue out at Xander, steadfastly ignoring how Xander seemed to cringe at his own joke and instead concentrated on grinning up at the youth, Spike's cheeks straining at the effort. As he continued to listen to Stephanie in the other room, Spike nodded to himself as he heard Xander firmly dissuade Stephanie from taking a 'little peek at one of her favourite boys'. ~ Boy? If only the bint knew how old her 'boy' was. Stupid cow.~ Stupid cow or not, Spike knew that there was no plausible explanation for him to look as withered as he did and no matter what type of 'setback' or 'sudden relapse' spin Xander put on the official reason for Spike being out of circulation for a while, anyone taking just one glance at Spike would immediately freak. Spike could see the struggle it was for Xander to touch him at the moment, ironic when Xander loved to touch Spike in numerous ways when in a temper. And if Xander was having a hard time coping with how Spike looked, then any ordinary person would probably have Spike in the intensive care ward so fast, both their heads would spin. ~ Don't wanna see no one anyway. Too soddin' tired. ~ Still, Spike was honestly overwhelmed by how careful Xander was when touching him. With his rough and calloused hands, Xander carried Spike from bed to bath, dabbing at him with oatmeal scented bathwater before Spike was gently towel dried, smothered in overly oily cream and put back to bed. Twice a day, slowly and softly. No matter how much distaste Spike could sense from Xander, there was no mistaking the constant relief that shone in Xander's eyes. Since Spike had been settled into the main bedroom again, Xander had been hovering around him. Always ready to ask if Spike felt all right, was he tired, was it OK for Xander to sit down on the bed, did he need something to eat, was the radio too loud or not loud enough? Even if Spike wasn't hungry, there was always the scent of human blood wafting from the kitchen, the ping of the microwave going off every four or five hours, Xander tip-toeing in with a mug in his hand only a minute later. More often than not, it was the microwave that woke Spike, so used to it signalling that it was time for food, that he automatically jerked awake the moment the timer went off. ~Jus' like a ruddy dog, ain't I? ~ Not even bothering to worry about his kinship with Pavlov's dog, Spike smiled to himself. Xander was fussing around him like the proverbial mother hen, something that Xander normally wasn't. As far as Xander was concerned, Spike had two hands, two feet and a working brain that meant Spike was perfectly capable of pulling his own weight. And so, Spike was determined to enjoy Xander's coddling for as long as possible. His stomach fluttered as he recalled falling asleep with Xander holding his hand, waking up just under an hour ago still hand in hand with Xander. For over 3 hours, Xander had sat with Spike while he had slept. Xander had to have been bored out of his mind, sitting on a slowly deflating blowup mattress with nothing but a bare wall to keep him occupied. Spike had woken up, opening his eyes just a smidgeon as he realised that the large, warm hand around his hadn't moved even an inch the whole time he had been asleep. He had taken the opportunity to stare at Xander from underneath his newly grown eyelashes, silently adoring the man who had once again saved his life. Spike had been overwhelmed by the love he felt for Xander, any of the feelings he had experienced for Xander previously were nothing but mere shadows of what he now felt. As Xander had turned a little to one side and caught Spike's gaze, Xander's face had lit up in a soft smile and he gently squeezed Spike's hand. There had been such emotion in the dark eyes that Spike wondered if there was more than just relief every time Xander looked at him. Over the past few days, Spike rather fancied that maybe- Spike hurriedly cut himself off before he got too caught up in it. Was stupid to keep thinking about things that were never going to happen but he couldn't help it. Love was his Achilles Heel, through and through. He was 99% sure that Xander was never going to love him as Spike did. Never in this lifetime anyway, but Spike was such a bitch to the whole idea of being *in love* that a sliver thin 1% chance encouraged him to work at Xander until the boy was head over heels with him. As he lay in the bed, just staring up at his Claimant, Spike had suddenly realised that Xander was as close to the fairytale knight in shining armour as he was ever going to get. There was no horse, not even a decent car and the boy's armour was tattered flannel and denim. And in no way did it matter if the castle was a pokey two bedroom cabin in a backwater, interbred town. All that mattered was that Xander had come along when Spike had desperately needed a saviour. Time and time again, Xander had saved Spike from attack and the threat of a second death. So, none of the bad things mattered to Spike anymore. None of the beatings or the gut wrenching insults screamed at him by a youth in the throes of a violent temper tantrum. Likewise with the threats and promises of 'you'll get what you deserve'. So what if Xander sometimes beat him, it wasn't as if it was a daily occurrence and anyway, Spike knew full well that he was the one to blame most of the time. Besides, beatings and forced interactions were part and parcel of both Claimant/Adored and Sire/Childe relationships, so Xander wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary. Spike knew in his heart that, if he could get Xander to love him, even just the tiniest bit, then Xander wouldn't lash out at him as much. He wasn't naive enough to hope for the 'lessons' to stop completely, but if it only happened one or twice a month, then things would be as close to perfect as Spike could ever hope for. Spike grinned, wincing slightly as he hugged himself, giving Stephanie a mental wave goodbye as he heard Xander walk her out to her car. ~ White knight. That's me boy alright. All that matters is he saved me life. An' it ain't love *yet*, but it will be. One day. ~ And yet, Spike couldn't quite shake the deep voice telling him that, one day, Xander was going to kill him. |
