|
But I Love You? 5 March, Monday, 2001 4.52 pm //You stupid..*stupid* boy! What the Hell did you think you were playing at?// Wincing at Giles' question, Xander found himself wiping at the tears that threatened to flow. "I...I didn't know...I didn't know that this could happen. I swear Giles, if I knew...if I thought....thought that..." //Thought? That's the whole problem Xander, you didn't think. Did you? No. For heaven's sake, why? Why on earth did you meddle with something that you had no idea about?// "I *don't know*..I just did, OK?" //No...no its most certainly not just all ok...alright or whatever you seem to think it will be. From what Angel has told me, Spike is already well on the way to his final death and I for one happen to agree with him this time. You must put Spike out of his misery. Now.// came the angry reply. "Giles...Please. I've already gone through this with Angel...God, I can't believe he's rung you already...I can't kill Spike. I...I don't...you know...*love* him but I don't just like him...it's more than that..." Xander stated, his stomach rumbling with hunger, a sensation he tried to ignore as he twisted to one side in order to wipe at Spikes tears. With an involuntary gag as he caught sight of the vampire's shrivelled features, Xander instantly re-directed his gaze to the shower wall. Blindly and a little roughly, he patted the cloth over the tightly stretched skin covering Spikes face, hoping that he had mopped up most of the continuing tears. //How dare you say that? If Angel hadn't had the common sense to call me before you did, then just what little fabricated story would you have given me...hmmm...what would it have been Xander? He's told me that you lied, he's told me the whole story. You're just damn lucky that Angel is taking time out to help you with this...I've got a good mind to hang up on you. I'm disgusted at how stupid you have been// stated Giles, his voice, although not rising, took on an icy tone. "I'm not staking him and that's final. Angel said that he would help me and I'm...Spike...we're both counting on that. You're...ah...ummm....gonna help too aren't you...Please?" ventured Xander, a louder rumbling of his stomach reminding him that he had skipped dinner, yet another meal that he hadn't even contemplated preparing yet alone eating. The bloody cloth wrung out into an ice-cream container already half full of Spike's blood beside him, Xander grimaced as a few drops of the thick liquid splattered his old tracksuit pants. //Of course I damn well am...no matter how tempting it is to hang up on you. I...I just can't believe that this is happening...of all the people to meddle with magic and rituals... I thought that you were mature enough to leave such things alone//answered Giles with a weary sigh. "I'm sorry...Jesus...I am *so* fucking sorry...how many times do I have to say that?" replied the humiliated youth, embarrassed that he, out of all his friends, had been the one to let Giles down. //Honestly? You couldn't say it enough at this point in time. Anyway...enough of this. We can discuss this more when Angel arrives but for now, I need to know if what Spike said about Riley and his...ahhhh...friends is true?// "Yeah Giles...he wouldn't make something like that up. Spike doesn’t...he doesn't lie to me...since the accident...I don't think he lies at all anymore" admitted Xander, conveniently forgetting about all the times that Spike had in fact lied to him and how he had 'helped' Spike to think about not doing it again. "I...I mean he does at times but...but it's just about small things, not big things like what Arseholes Inc. did to him. Shit Giles, I *caught* two of them trying to rape Spike down at the park just before we left...I fucking caught them!" //I beg your pardon, what did you say? Arseholes Inc.? And you said that y...you caught them trying to abuse Spike...is that right...is that what you said?// came the reply, Giles' voice tinged with puzzlement and more than a little worry. "Ummm...sorry, that’s what he calls them. Arseholes Incorporated...you know, Inc. for short. Riley and his so-called friends are the ones who messed Spike up in the crypt...God...I used to wonder why Spike always freaked out whenever Riley came over to the apartment...used wonder why he always hid in our bedroom until Riley was gone. I..I knew that he had been, you know...umm...raped but I just thought that he was afraid of Riley because Riley was another male....that sort of thing. Jesus, Spike only told me *who* did it to him after a couple of the pricks cornered him in the supermarket car-park one night and started touching him up and yeah...I did catch them. Martinez and Corey." Xander replied, his voice rising with anger as he recalled how the other two men had been hell-bent on damaging something that by all rights, belonged to him. //Dear God. Xander...why didn't you tell me as soon as you knew? That was the reason you moved wasn't it...not the job situation? You moved in order to try and protect him. Why didn't you tell Buffy?// "Tell her what G-Man? 'Gee Buff...sorry to tell you but your boyfriend is a homo rapist who likes to give demons who can't defend themselves brain damage and his so called friends are all physcho stalkers....do you think you can ask them to stop hassling me and Spike?' You think that might have worked Giles?" snapped Xander. //Ah...right...of course. I do see your point of view. Certainly, you couldn't have told Buffy but you most assuredly should have told me as soon as you became privy to the information. I have seen this Martinez in the company of Riley, as well as a Graham...was Graham one of the men who...who...ahhhh...abused Spike?// came the demanded question, the older man's voice almost trembling with anger. "*Raped Spike* Fuck Giles, they didn't just abuse him....you know as well as I do...they raped him and from the bruises, it was more than once. Yeah, Graham is one of them and another one...Diehl." sighed Xander, a weary hand rubbing at the beginning headache that seemed intent on burrowing itself through his right temple. //Yes. I..I did see the bruises. I must admit that I suspected something like that had happened but when nothing was said...I...I just brushed it aside and up until now, I've been more than happy not to think about it. And lets face it, even if I had questioned Spike about it, I very much doubt that he would have admitted it had happened. It's not a subject that any man wants to acknowledge.// said Giles in soft voice, the regret colouring his words was all to plain for Xander to hear. "Ummmm...G...Giles?" Xander questioned in an equally soft voice, his face burning a bright red as he prepared himself to admit to the older man his own involvement in Spike's torture of so long ago. "I..I could have stopped it. I mean...I don't think that I could have stopped everything but...but...most of it. I think. If I had…he might not have been...you know...so very badly hurt" //And you may not have stopped anything at all...you may in fact have made matters worse.// "No...no. Spike told me that if I had just looked for him that night instead of going home and eating a fucking Twinkie, I could have stopped them...helped him…you know? I could have." came the reply, Xander unconsciously pleading with Giles to tell him that what he had done was ok and that he shouldn't still be feeling guilty for not having somehow prevented Spike's injuries. //Xander...what would you have been able to do? Ask them to stop? Tell five ex-Initative men that what they were doing to a creature they more than likely considered lower than an animal, was wrong? Would you have taken one look at what was happening and rung the police...come and got me to help you...told Buffy what Riley was doing to Spike or would you have waded right in and thrown a few punches on Spike's behalf?// "I don't know! Something....." A frustrated Xander answered back, the hand curled around the phone tightening so that the plastic groaned. "Yeah, but Riley would have stopped...I mean...I'm his friend and I already knew Graham and Martinez....they would have. Right?" Not bothering to tell Giles that in fact now Angel was considered more of a friend than Riley ever had been, Xander found himself holding his breath as he listened to the reply. As he took in the carefully stated words, his blood ran cold. //Really? Are you so sure of that? Would they have stopped and muttered an apology or two, asking you not to tell anyone or would Riley have invited you to join the party? Xander....they could very well have just put you in Spike's place and I shudder to think of what could have befallen you once they realised whom they were abusing.// "W...what do you...mean?" whispered Xander, knowing full well what Giles was trying to get through to him. //Xander...doing away with any evidence in a permanent way would have been a very strong desire. Spike wasn't disposed of only because no-one would have believed him and their desire for him to suffer but you...people would have believed your story if you ever told them and that would have posed a very big threat to their futures...especially for Riley and his relationship with Buffy. What I am trying to say is that even though Riley would have most assuredly been horrified at what he had done once he was sober enough, when someone is caught in a pack mentality, a group desire is virtually impossible to deny.// said Giles in a soft sad voice, somewhat uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. "And when you're drunk...anything seems like a good idea at the time, huh?" wryly admitted Xander, shivering as his mind flashed him a disturbing image of Riley beating his head in with a rock from the crypt floor while his friends cheered him on. //Yes, quite true. Dear God...I just have no idea of what to tell Buffy and she has to be told...she has every right to know what her...her...*boyfriend* considers as an outing with the lads. Unfortunately, I don't think that she will believe a word of it. Especially as it's Spike who is pointing the finger.// "She won't believe me either will she?" questioned Xander, knowing full well that Buffy was notoriously stubborn and would more than likely accuse him of having the wool pulled over his eyes by Spike. "Buff will just say that Spike is back to his old tricks of causing trouble won't she?" //Yes...yes, I'm afraid that she more than likely will see it that way. She...she...sometimes, there is just no getting through to her and it's safe to say that this is going to be one of those times.// Giles sighed, his voice heavy with weariness. //I don't know what to do about Riley and those friends of his but I most certainly *do not* want him any where near the girls...I don't doubt any of them would be able to handle themselves....// "But it's better to be safe than sorry?" finished Xander, inwardly cringing as he went to wipe at Spike's face again. "G-Man?" //Xander...For heaven's sake...do not call me that...please?// pleaded Giles as Xander fell back onto a habit from previous years. "Yeah. Sorry. Jesus...all I seem to be doing today is saying sorry, you know? Sorry to Spike...Sorry to Angel for pissing him off...sorry to you and I guess I'll be saying sorry for along time in the future huh?" admitted Xander, nodding to himself even as Giles angrily told him that Xander would indeed be apologising for quite some time. With a wry grimace on his face, Xander listened as the older man once again aired his despair over what to do with the Riley and Buffy situation, Giles stating that it would be best for Buffy's boyfriend to just leave quietly and to never return to Sunnydale or Buffy. Something that Giles was unsure of how to facilitate. The grimace twisting into a ghost of smile, Xander had to stop himself from blurting out that the Riley problem was probably going to be taken care of as soon as Angel caught up with the taller blond. Xander wasn't one hundred percent sure but he had a very bad feeling that Angel was going to have a severe 'talking to' with Riley as soon as Spike was in the clear. Shuddering, Xander could all too clearly remember the menacing growl from Angel as Xander had done as he had been asked and confirmed Riley's Sunnydale address. As much as he currently hated Riley, Xander couldn't help but pity the other man for being on a Master Vampires Most Wanted List. Hoping to all the Gods he knew that no-one else from L.A. or Sunnydale ever found out about Angel's extra-curricular activities, Xander found himself jerked back to reality as an annoyed Giles demanded that Xander provide an answer of some sort. "Wha - sorry..*again*. What did you say? I was...ahhh...wiping Spike's face. Didn't really listen. Sorry?" Xander hurriedly covered as he rubbed a hand over his face. Suddenly yawning, he listened as Giles berated him not for paying attention, his body beginning to ache from stress and hunger. //Xander...I was asking if you were prepared for what you’re going to have to do if we can't help Spike?// came the exasperated voice, tinged with sympathy. "No...No I'm not. I don't even want to think about that Giles. I...I know that I may have to....stake him but...But...he...Spike isn't just some vampire all mental...flashing fang and ready eat straight from the grave....he's...more than just that" //That's right, he is and that's precisely why it would be in his best interests, if not yours, to end his pain now// "Fuck Giles...he's not just some...some *dog* you take down to the vet for a final visit when its looking all tired out. He's my...my..*boyfriend*. He's more than just that...he's my *friend*" declared an equally exasperated Xander, his eyes burning from the fresh tears that threatened to fall. A little amazed that he had finally acknowledged Spike's role in his life after considering him no more than just a fuck-buddy that he essentially owned for so long, Xander forced himself to look properly at the still form in the bathtub. In words so quiet that they couldn't be heard, he repeated himself. "He's my boyfriend. Jesus...Spike's my *boyfriend* Oh my God...I'm in a...a *relationship*" His wide brown eyes taking in the skeletal creature that Spike continued to shrivel into, Xander stared at the blood staining the hollow cheeks. He slowly slid his gaze down the sickly grey body, absently counting each of the horribly prominent ribs as he did so. With more than a little embarrassment, he found himself riveted to the sight of Spikes hairless crotch, the hair having fallen out sometime during his conversation with Giles. The same as most of Spike's once full head of hair. Xander knew beyond a doubt that if it had been any other time, he would be fascinated to know how Spike felt being all hairless...down there. Now however, all he could feel was disgust, helplessness and an almost overwhelming shame at how Spike continued to detiorate at such a rapid rate. As he continued to listen to Giles put forth reasons as to why Xander should stake Spike immediately, he dragged his gaze from the vampire’s withered lower legs, glancing over the concave stomach that only hours ago had been defined by tight toned muscles and up to Spikes face again, noting how agonisingly sharp the cheekbones looked under the tightly drawn skin. With a hesitant hand, Xander reached out and took a small lock of the dull bleached hair in-between his fingers. Dry retching as the hair came away from the scalp without any resistance at all, he had an odd thought of how upset Spike was going to be over his white blond pride and joy. Deep breaths taken to quell the queasy feeling in his stomach, Xander jumped into the conversation as Giles paused. "You don't know how hard this is for me....both you and Deadboy keep telling me to just...just shove a table leg into him, wash his dust from my hands and then everything will be ok again. This hurts Giles" //Is...is there someone who...ah...could do it for you instead? If...if it ever does come down to it? Xander...as much as you are to blame for this...I..I *hate* the fact that none of us are there to help you with this// came the soft reply, Giles voice once again coloured with regret over the situation. //I can't even begin to imagine how you feel at the moment but...but I did promise to help you and I will, as shall Angel when he arrives but if nothing works......// "I know, I know. Stake Spike. I so don't want to make that choice...I guess I know how Buff felt when Angel turned into the Very Big Bad. God...I was *such* a complete *arsehole* to her...guess its Karma or something huh?" sniffled Xander, a short bitter laugh coming through on the last of his words. //Yes you were but so were we all. So if it is indeed Karma, then I think that you've gotten much more than you deserve as has Spike. Xander...I'm going to leave you until Angel arrives...please...*please* do not do anything stupid until I call back alright?// Giles quietly pleaded with a voice that clearly expressed all the worry that he was feeling. "Oh...I think I've learnt my lesson. Don't worry G-Man...No more stupidity from one Xander Harris...well...not until the next time heh?" Xander sheepishly replied, twirling the dry lock of hair in-between his fingers. Hurriedly flinging the brittle strands into the bath and wiping his hand upon his sweatpants as soon as he realised what he was doing, Xander wryly agreed with Giles. "Yeah...yeah...I know. No laughing matter at all...gotcha." //Xander...I will call, OK?// "Soon?" //As soon as I can or Angel will and please....do be at least a little civil towards him? Right...I'm going. Bye// "Yeah...bye" replied Xander, pressing the hang up button and putting the phone down beside the ice-cream container. His gaze still focused upon the prone body in the bath, Xander couldn't help but think that he was going to have to stake Spike no matter how much help both Giles and Angel ended up providing him with. God, if only he could drag Diehl into the bathroom and somehow feed him to Spike...then..*then* everything would be ok again. How though was the million dollar question. 5 March, Monday, 2001 4.52 pm Hurt. Hurt. Ohhhhhhh...Hurt. Ffffuuuuuck...this...this pain...Agony. Feel you. Can feel you touch me Pet. Touching my face. I'm cold. I don't feel the cold usually...I shouldn't be feeling the cold, I'm in bed. All wrapped up in the blankets you gave me. I am though. I'm cold. I hurt. All over. My head aches so bad. Rub just behind my ears Xan, please? Make the hurt stop. You’re good at that. You hurt me but you always make it go away. Always. I don't feel so well. Hurt. Why? What's wrong with me? My eyes. I can't open my eyes. I know you're there...I know you’re near me. I want to see you...why can't I see you...what's happening? Friggin’ freezing in this room Xan, need that filthy fuckin’ stove turned up. Hurt. I feel sick...Christ, all I wanna do is heave. So tired. I can't make out what you’re saying...I can hear you. My head hurts too much...all I can hear is bloody mumble jumble shit. I like it though, I like you being near me. Safe, that’s what you make me feel. Can you touch me some more? Talk to me Whelp. No...don't stop...keep going...Please? Hurting...hurting...hurting. Help me...what's happened to me? Did I have a 'flash'....am I still having one? Is this a new type of 'flash'...is this sodding chip doin’ me head in even more? My bed’s cold. It's hard. Why? Where's my pillow...what happened to it? Why aren't you beside me...holding me? Am I lying on the floor again? Why do you keep touching my face...what are you rubbing at me with? Why is it wet? I can't wiggle my toes...are they still there? You didn't.....teach me another lesson did you? You wouldn't have...would you? They’re still there...right? What's wrong with me...what's happening? Hurt. Tired. Why can't I move? I want to talk to you…I want to see you...Help me? Don't you want me to talk anymore? Did you tie me down again...is this a game? Did you want to do something kinky and haven't told me? Did you put something over my eyes...is that why I can't see you? Are my eyes open...everything is black...are we in a dark room...is that why I can't see you? There's something wrong with me. I don't feel right. I can smell you. Why are you afraid? Please don't be afraid...why are you upset? I can smell that you've been crying. Why? You don't cry. I cry but you don't. You're the strong one, I'm the retard...the one who needs you. Please Pet...I'm getting scared. Help me...tell me what’s wrong with me? Are you there? Don't go...no...no...don't go. Don't leave me? Pleeeeeaaaase....please. I want you...need you. Hurt...hurt...hurt. Ohhhhhhhh...please Pet, make the hurt go away. I know you will. You always do. Tired. I think I'm having a dream....I think this is a nightmare. I'll just sleep a bit and you can wake me up in the morning. Hurt. Cold...God...so *fucking* cold. I feel weird...bit floaty-like. Drifting. Might just drift awhile. 5 March, Monday, 2001 7.30pm "Yeah yeah...hang on. Shit...just *hang on!*" hollered Xander in response to the continual loud banging on the cabin’s front door. With a deep frown and gritted teeth, he concentrated on trying to pour the last of the ice-cream container’s contents down Spike’s throat. This was something that was harder than Xander had ever thought possible due to the way the sickly vampire was now laying in the bath. Over the last few hours since getting off the phone to Giles, Spike’s tortured body had curled fully into a tight fetal position, making it nearly impossible for Xander to get any of blood he had carefully wrung out of the face washer and into the gallon-sized container into Spike's mouth let alone down his throat. "Great idea Deadboy. Feed Spike his own blood he says. It'll slow down the crying," Xander snapped to himself, mopping up the blood that poured straight out the lax mouth. Just managing to catch the gory tide before it flowed over the vampire's cheek and spread out over the bottom of the bath like it had done so many times before. Xander wrinkled his nose in unhidden disgust as the rough material of the fresh washcloth not only cleaned away the thick liquid but also took a large amount of the flaky skin off Spike’s face with it. "Yeah great fucking idea. Of course, it would help if Spike would fucking well swallow it. Christ this is disgusting." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, Xander found himself cringing inwardly at how harsh he sounded towards not only Angel but Spike as well. Dimly he noted that whoever had been intent on knocking down his door only moments before was now gone, something that he quickly pushed to the far end of his mind as he apologized to Spike. "Sorry Spike. I didn't mean to call you disgusting...I mean, not that you are or anything...aaahhhh...yeah. No, you're still...ummm...really...good looking and everything." ventured Xander, hoping to God that Spike wouldn't start crying any harder. That is if Spike was still capable of hearing. Angel had informed Xander that even as an Adored continued to deteriorate, they would still be able to hear, feel, taste and smell anything that went on around them until their senses also started to fail them the closer they came to the final phase - the final phase being the most brutal of all as the Adored entered their second death. Once the Adored's fingers and toes started to turn into a fine dry ash and crumble away from the main body, according to Angel, there was no turning back. Xander shuddered as he went over the last piece of information in his mind, shame once again flaring up deep within him. After Angel had finally arrived at Giles’ place, the ex-Watcher had performed a scrying spell that had enabled both he and Angel to look at Spike's condition. To say that they had been shocked was a definite understatement and as Xander had been forced to accept another tongue-lashing from both men while talking to them on the phone, Angel had reluctantly re-evaluated his thoughts on just how far away Spike was from the final phase of The Shaming. Whilst he had been on the phone to Spike's Sire in L.A., Xander had been horrified and yet somewhat relieved to learn that The Shaming usually took no less than a week to complete all the phases. A week had meant he had time to try and make Spike well again. Unfortunately, upon seeing Spike with his own eyes, Angel had come to the conclusion that his Childe only had a maximum of three to four days left. Giles had ended the conversation, commenting that maybe with maybe Spike's damaged emotional center was the reason the once blond vampire was so advanced in his condition. It hadn't been a pleasant phone call as Xander had had to argue for Spike's life when he was pressed to end it. As Angel had icily replied to all of Xander's angrily shouted reasons as to why Spike should live, the older vampire had stunned the upset youth into silence with an offer of a pint of Sire blood. Unable to voice his thanks for fear of breaking down, Xander had just looked up at the spot on the shower wall that Giles had said the scrying spell had taken residence in, and nodded gently. It was offer that Xander was currently waiting for to come to fruition. "Please Spike...please swallow? Just gulp down all that nummy goodness you can taste. Mmmmmmm...Don't you just wanna swallow the lot?" Xander pleaded, his words tapering into a soft whisper as he forced himself not to retch as he placed his mouth beside Spike's right ear. Jerking his head back the instant his lips brushed against the dry skin peeling from the vampire's ear, he rubbed furiously at his mouth with the back of his hand, horrified by the idea that something might be sticking to his mouth. As his rubbing slowed down, Xander filled the otherwise silent bathroom with a deep sigh and leaned in as close as he dared towards Spike. "I know you can hear me Spike. The Poof said you could. Did I tell you Deadboy is with Giles? He's got Wesley coming up to help the G-Man with a portal spell and then when that’s done, there's gonna be a nice...yummy...bowl of Sire's blood for you. Sounds good doesn't it?" "Dea...Angel really cares about you. I mean, he wouldn't give you his blood if he didn't would he? Wes and Giles really like you too. Like I said, if they didn't then they wouldn't help you...they would just say no and that would be it, but nope...they're....they're pulling out all the stops to tr...make you better again." he stated as brightly as he could. With a hope that he was coloring his words with as much love as possible, Xander continued. "I care about you too. Hell...I care more than any of them put together so I know that you're gonna be just fine...besides...I want my...my... I want to know what you’re giving me for my birthday. Please don't die. You don't know how much I'll....I'll....m-miss you?" His words dying down to a cracked whisper, Xander wanted nothing more to gather Spike in his arms, wrapping the vampire up in one of the strong hugs that he knew Spike loved receiving. Something that Spike had often initiated when the blond was having one of his 'bad' days and it was a gesture that always had Xander feeling protective and tender towards the other man. His mouth curving into a ghost of smile at the thought, Xander felt a sudden burst of heat flare up across his face as he remembered the last time Spike had tried to make his way tearily into Xander's arms. With the fire of shame coursing through his body, the youth wearily closed his eyes as he re-called how he had viciously shoved Spike down onto the ground, screaming that as he had had a bad day himself, he wasn't in the mood to put up with Spike's useless pathetic shit. Unable to help himself, he felt himself jerk at the memory of how Spike had squealed in agony every time Xander had kicked and punched him. "Jesus. I am such a sick fuck" he mouthed silently to himself as he couldn't help but recall just how strong and in control he had felt, towering over Spike as the vampire had curled up into a tight whimpering ball on the kitchen floor. "I'm not my father. I'm not. Am I?" "I hurt you...I know that. I know it's wrong and I shouldn't do it but...but...I c-can't help it. I don't want to be him. I'm not so like him. Yet. I..I." Tears flowing from sheer exhaustion and finally having the full realization of what he had been subjecting Spike to since the forced blow job in the basement in Sunnydale come crashing down on him, Xander found that he couldn't stop the flow of words that poured out of him as his voice got louder. "I hurt...I hurt you *so God-damned much* and you take it. Just like my Mom. But...but she hits back...she...she always gives as good as she gets. A-and you can't and that makes me so much more worse than Dad. I am such a prick. You used to call yourself the Big Bad but you're not. I am. I'm the Big Bad and you know why?" Not even noticing the tears as they dripped from his chin and onto his chest, the distraught youth continued. "Because I like what I do to you. I fucking *love* that I can punch the shit out of you and you'll always come back for more. I'm sick. I know that and you know what? I can't even blame alcohol like my Dad and Uncle can. You're not my wife but I come from a long line of wife beaters. I...I thought that I wasn't like that. Thought that...thought the label of 'wife beater' didn't apply to me. It does though doesn't it?" "Shit, I would never have dreamed of hitting Cordy or Anya. Never. Just thinking about it makes me sick. Thought it didn't matter because you were another guy....a vampire. I could never hurt you..not really. I mean, you'll always heal up won't you? Always had this little thought in the back of my mind that was saying it was wrong to hit you but I kept ignoring it because it just feels so damned good when my fist smashes into you and I know it shouldn't...right? But...but...with help...I can stop feeling like that. Maybe I should go to one of those classes? You know...get up in group therapy and say 'Hi, my name is Xander Harris and I'm a gay spousal abuser" "You know what? I can't even blame this Claimant/Adored thingy. Fuck - you're not even my official Adored anyway...that prick Diehl is. Shit...I don't even have that excuse. Nope...the best I come up with is bad days at work and my temper. I know...I know I have a bad temper. Really bad actually....sort of scares me at times as well. But...but...Dad and Uncle Rory have bad tempers too...I just thought it was normal you know? To kick and scream at other people. Hit them. Like Dad di...does to Mom." With a watery sniffle, Xander gave out a half choked smile as he wiped at the tears puddling down his chin. "When I was younger, I scared Wills and Jesse a few times with my temper and that's why I started hiding it. I didn't want them not to like me anymore. Went over to their houses and got to learn that no-one else’s parents acted like mine and their kids didn't either. Got really good at hiding it too huh? Fuck, the first time you li-lived with me in the basement, there were so many times I just wanted to punch the shit out of you. Make you take back all that you had said to me. Make you feel as worthless as you made me feel. I didn't though did I? No. I, like the fucking coward that I am, waited until you relied on me...till I owned you. Till you were too scared of your own God-damned shadow to even make a smart gesture back." "I...I. I'm gonna get help. Go to one of those anger management courses...buy one of those 'Controlling your temper' books they always have on late night TV. Might even get the steak knives with them. I'm so sorry that I did this to you. So...*so fucking sorry*" admitted Xander before lapsing into silence. It was true. Every word he had just said was God's honest truth and Spike deserved to know all of it. He was going to get help. He had to if he wanted to have some sort of relationship with Spike. What he had at the moment was nothing and if he really thought about it, he was treating Spike worse than his Mom and Dad treated each other. What his parents did to each other was wrong but neither of the battered party had ever held the other one and promised that the abuse would never happen again. Something that Xander had done after each and every occasion. His head hung in shame as his self revelation continued to open up, Xander finally acknowledged that he was not only a bully but he was deliberately cruel. Delving a little deeper into himself, the youth realized that what he had blurted out only minutes ago to Spike was true. He did like that Spike was the weaker one in the relationship and he did indeed feel safe in the knowledge that Spike would always stick with him, no matter how brutally he was beaten and bullied, only because he had no other place to go. As a pang of pain clenched at his chest at the thought of Spike one day leaving him, Xander honestly wondered if the vampire would survive long enough to ever contemplate packing his bags and leaving. "I...I am my Dad. I'm not a man am I? A real man wouldn't do what I did to you. A real man wouldn't make his...boyfriend try to commit suicide. Fuck...I'm not my Dad. No, I've fucking well outdone him. Dad or Mom would only kill each other accidentally...I know that. I think they both know that. Me...Nope...I just go ahead and do it deliberately. I know I didn't know everything about Claimant/Adored relationships, all the 'ins and outs', but I should have read properly. Should have done the homework and I didn't and what's happening to you is my fault. And I swear, when you get better, I'll...I'll be nicer. I won't take my temper out on you...I won't hit or...or...force you to do anything you don't want anymore. Even the...you know...sex stuff" came the now earnest words as Xander made a vow with himself to make sure he did everything that he was promising Spike. "I..I can't promise to be perfect...I won't ever be but...but...I can be better?" Lifting the ice-cream container, he angled it awkwardly to rest the rim just on Spike's dry cracked lips and tipped it gently so that the remaining blood lapped against the vampire’s lips. "Please swallow...Drink Spike. I...I wanna stop being my Dad and I want you around to help me be a better person." "I...uuuhhh...I...ummm...love you Spike" 5 March, Monday, 2001 7.48pm "Uuuuhhhhh...can you like just...ummm...run that by me again because I don't think my brain has caught up to what you just said." questioned Xander. His hand paused in the middle of closing the cabin door, he stared unbelievingly as Lukas brushed past him and sat himself down on one of the stools by the kitchen bench. "I know how to fix Spike." Lukas repeated. With a blank statement on his normally animated face, Lukas waited for his words to make an impact. "Is he still...alive?" "Yeah...yeah, he is...as much as vampires can be you know, and how? How can you fix Spike? Ev...even that self-fucking-righteous prick Angel, his *Sire*, thinks Spike is go...gonna..." Choking on the last few words, Xander slowly finished pushing the door shut, leaning wearily against the solid wood as he twisted the key in the new deadlock. As Lukas started to explain, he turned to walk towards the couch, all the while trying not to acknowledge the tiny glimmer of hope that the dark man’s words were promising. "Real slow Lukas. Just tell me so totally slow. Ok?" "Not doing good? Both of you I mean?" "Jesus…it's just..." With a shake of his head, Xander collapsed heavily onto the worn couch that he had restored to the living room now that he had replaced the mattresses to the bedrooms. One trembling hand rubbing at his eyes, he gestured for the older man to continue. "No. Not good at all" "Right. I got a phone call from the - my village Elders in Fiji. I gotta go back home because I've failed to uphold the Tribal Council and punish Jossessi for not finishing the Kava ritual." "Shit...You're kidding? So...what’s gonna happen to you. Better yet...Jossessi and how does this fix Spike?" asked Xander, not quite sure what the Kava Demon was talking about and how it related even remotely to Spike’s current condition. "Well...because I've 'performed' so badly, I'm to be relieved of my duties as a Kava Law Enforcer...ostracized from my village and pretty much denied any chances of marrying my childhood sweetheart. Oh...and I won't be welcome back in the Fiji Isles any time soon. Actually...not ever." wryly admitted Lukas, a twisted grin upon his face as he took in Xander's confused look. "U-huh?" "But, if by some chance I do manage to send home a Kava soaked heart, I get 'promoted' to being the Alaskan Kava Law Enforcer...my fiancée comes over for a permanent extended stay, I promise never to show my face in Fiji again and nothing about this is ever mentioned again." "Shit. Again. Everything gets swept under the carpet...just like that?" Xander questioned, still wondering what Lukas' Kava Laws had to do with Spike. "Exactly. Providing I send them a heart", nodded the dark man, his smile growing a little wider as he watched Xander try to puzzle it together. "A heart? Like as in what gives me a pulse...a heart?" "Exactly. A *human* heart" Still nodding, Lukas continued to smile at the weary youth upon the couch. His nose twitching, Lukas tried ignore the roiling of his stomach as the heavy odour of stale blood permeated the warm stifling air of the cabin. Just as he did his best to ignore the dry dark red trail leading from one of the bedrooms to the brightly lit bathroom. As Xander dropped his gaze to stare at his blood stained hands, Lukas wondered if he should make the youth change from the filthy gore encrusted clothes that he was currently wearing. "So...Jossessi's outta here? Fuck...I really liked him as well. He's like your best friend but I guess that when it comes to...well...work..." Leaning back further into the couch, Xander was sure that someone had sneakily transformed his whole body into a block of concrete the moment he had sat down. He honestly couldn't recall ever feeling so tired and drained in his life. With a deep yawn and a barely apologetic look at Lukas, Xander tried to concentrate on what the other man was saying. "Nah. I like him too and you're right, he is my best friend. But so is Spike. Like I said, I just have to send over a human heart that has been soaked in Kava and everything will be fine" His smile disappearing as seriousness played across his face again, Lukas took in how exhausted and worn-out the youth looked. Sighing as he watched Xander fight the urge to catch some sleep, Lukas decided that he had obviously been too vague for the stressed man. "Xander, it doesn't matter whose heart I send back. It just has to be soaked in Kava. The Elders trust that I'll send the right one back....they won't check" "But...you got sent over here for Jossesse...what do you mea...Oh...*oh shit!* Are you saying...what...are you..?" Falling silent, Xander felt his heart skip a beat as the Fijian's words sank in. He knew exactly what Lukas meant and he didn't like it one little bit. As he held Lukas' steady gaze, Xander shivered as if someone had walked over his grave. With a deathly pale face, Xander whispered the first thing that came to his numb mind even as the tiny flare of hope suddenly roared into a bonfire. "Murder!" 6 March, Monday, 2001 1.25 am So, right this moment, I'm laying in bed. Tossing and turning for all I'm worth when I should be trying to get some sleep. I can't though. I can't sleep even though my eyes feel like they're just about to leap out of my head... literally... and my whole body feels like it's gone one or two rounds with Mike Tyson. The fact that I still have two ears sort of convinces me that I'm just too tired to think straight. I know for a fact that I'm not thinking straight because I'm busy debating whether I should go to Hell for helping murder Diehl and using the left over blood to save Spike... or... go to Hell for letting Spike die and denying all knowledge of what Lukas is about to do to Diehl. This is a boundary that I've never wanted to cross over. Never in my whole life have I ever had to or wanted to make this choice. To choose between the life of two men. I wish it was just plain black and white, something easy but it isn't. My life has never been simple... never normal. Always too many shades of grey to fuck everything up. The fact that I'm even thinking about a human life versus a demon life just shows how much growing up on an active Hellmouth can seriously screw with one's values. How the Hell did I end up at this point? How do I choose between ending one life to save another? It's not as if I could safely say that killing Diehl will solve everything because it won't. I mean, Diehl's blood will more than likely end up saving Spike. Doing what Deadboy's blood wasn't able to. Jesus, I was *so* sure that it was going to work. Spike was just going to drink his Sire's blood and everything would be fine and for a little while, it was. Even as I was pouring the gross stuff down his throat, Spike started to swallow for himself and his eyelids fluttered open twice. Twice. I swear, my heart just about stopped and I almost threw up in relief. Seriously, I was so damned happy that I ended up kissing Lukas. Poor bastard, he probably thought I was going to stick my tongue down his throat. Lukas just sort of backed away but it was a definitely happy backing away. Everything was going to be just fine. I was going to nurse Spike back to health. Never mind that it's coming up to the busy time at work, I was going to take a few weeks off and stay 24/7 at home with Spike. Making sure that I did everything possible to make him feel wanted and loved as Angel said I had to. I was going to fix his favorite snack foods, let him drink the foul warm beer he likes so much and I wasn't going to complain that I didn't want to kiss him after he's pigged out on Indian food that I've driven an hour and a half to buy just because I hate the way his lips taste. We weren't gonna go out anywhere as we were both going to be stuck at home until I managed to work off the massive debt that I already owe Lukas for all the human blood that was meant to go down Spike's throat but ended up down the plughole over the last day. God, it's gotta be close to almost half a grand already. But the huge amount of money I've ended up owing Lukas wouldn't matter as long as Spike was alive and in the end, healthy. We could stay at home just doing stuff and maybe watching videos and, depending on the TV reception, the occasional 'Jerry Springer' and 'Passions'. I was gonna treat him right this time, not like a piece of shit as I did back in Sunnydale. Try to do my best to love him into wanting to get better and stay with me. I was gonna work on telling Wills, Tara and the Buffster the truth about our relationship. Maybe even my parents, not that they would give a toss but the fact would be that I told them. Shit, I was gonna be as close to the perfect boyfriend as I could possibly be. Spike was drinking by himself and I think at one point, I almost came right there and then in front of Lukas when Spike flexed his toes. Everything was of the good. And then it wasn't. Spike hasn't drunk a drop of blood apart from what Deadboy sent through the portal and that's bad...real bad because both the G-Man and Deadboy...fuck...even Wes, said that Spike was gonna be drinking as much blood as I could feed him. They told me that Spike would stop crying but he hasn't. I mean, it has slowed down but not enough. No-where near enough. He's still dying and I can't let him do that. Right now I'm in bed hoping that Lukas will come into the bedroom and 'wake' me up with the good news that Spike is swallowing again. So far, I haven't heard a word and I honestly don't think that I will because I left Lukas with Spike over four hours ago. I shouldn't be crying again. I should be trying to be strong for Spike. I don't know if he can smell or even hear that I've been crying and if he can, I hope to God that he isn't getting upset. I can't help it though, they just keep on coming. Least I know I'm not gonna die from my tears. Fuck! I was so sure that Deadboy's blood was gonna work. I counted on that. Really, I did. I had to because I didn't want to think about what Lukas had come up with, let alone what would happen to Spike if it didn't work. All the times that Spike was drinking, Angel was talking to me on the phone about what to do over the next few weeks to help Spike. I have to say it, Angel went out of his way to help me with the mess I created and I really do owe him big time for this. I have to take back what I said about him. Well...not everything, I still hate most of his guts... but not all. After Deadboy, Wes talked to me for bit and told me that Angel had risked his own health to be able to give Spike extra blood. Sort of wondered why Angel had sounded so tired over the phone. Thought he was drunk to begin with. I feel a bit weird now that I know Deadboy did so much for Spike and me. Either way though, damned if I do and most seriously damned if I don't. Then again, maybe this would be a good thing - Diehl dying. I mean, it's not as if I could really stop Lukas from killing him. What am I gonna do, call the cops and tell them that a Kava demon is going to kill an army recruiter? Anyone else thinking 'straightjacket'? Anyway in all reality, Jossesse is a hell of a lot nicer than Diehl ever will be but that's not the point is it? Jossesse knew what he was doing when he started the whole damn Kava ritual and it's his own fault if he gets himself killed for not going with the flow and finishing it. And he sure as hell shouldn't have run all the way to Alaska from Fiji to try to save his own skin. Why should Diehl have to die because Lukas wants to keep his best friend alive? Why should Diehl die at all? Then again, why should Spike die? If Lukas goes through with this nut job plan of his and ends up doing over Diehl, then why shouldn't I say yes to Spike getting Diehl's blood? Saving Spike's life. I hope. Christ, I really hope it does and you know what, just by saying that, I've made my choice. I'm gonna have Diehl's death on my hands... on my conscience and soul for the rest of my life. The fact that I'm willing to kill for Spike is gonna be hanging over this relationship forever. Just because Lukas is going to do the whole 'ripping out of the heart and jingling it like a tea-bag in Kava' thing doesn't mean that I'm not involved with Diehl's murder. Just accepting the left over blood is enough to get me a meeting with a lethal injection. How's that for devotion if not love? Surely that proves that I love him and want him to live? Not everyone is willing to go through with a murder in order for someone they like... love...to survive? I'm so going to Hell. I don't believe in it normally but if there is one... then I've got a first class hand basket all the way down. I'll be dancing with the devil until Hell freezes over. At least Spike would end up down there with me. I'm doing the right thing though aren't I? Getting rid of Diehl would make the world a better place... make the world safer? I mean, what he did to Spike... what's stopping him doing that to someone else... someone who hasn't got super healing? What if he does and this time, kills them? He's a total sick bastard anyway... Jesus... just the way he's been hassling Spike and making threats against me tells the whole story. Killing Diehl might stop a lot of bad things happening. It's still murder though. I so don't want a part of this but I have to because letting Spike die is murder as well. This is wrong, so very... *very wrong* and I just know that this'll backfire somehow. Everything I do does in the end... look at Spike. I shouldn't be agreeing to this. In all reality, I should just let Spike die. I should stake him and get it over with because the sooner I do that, the sooner I can come to terms with what I've done. I should just admit that Deadboy and Giles are right. Put him out of his so obvious misery and pain. Let him die with what is left of his dignity. Diehl could continue being a total prick and causing trouble wherever he goes and once he knows Spike is dead, never bothering me again or until someone bigger and stronger happens to beat him to death in a bar brawl. After all, Diehl is a human and deserves to live a lot more than a demon like Spike does. Yeah, I know that Diehl will die anyway when Lukas catches up to him but if I refuse Diehl's blood for Spike, that means I didn't have anything to do with his death and my conscience would be clear. Sort of. Not really. I can tell everyone that things didn't work out between us and Spike left me. I can have a cry... mope around for a few months and let the guys at work fix me up on a gay blind date. Bastards. They would too. Deadboy could gloat and say 'I told you so' while Giles could offer his long-distance shoulder to cry on. Even though they don't know Spike and I are together and the whole Shaming thingy, if I told them that Spike had died, Buffy would tell me off for not staking Spike sooner while Will's would offer to come to visit for a while. Help me to adjust to having lost a 'friend'. Think I would take her up on that offer as well. It wouldn't be that easy though. Losing Spike. Honestly, right now, I couldn't imagine life without him and I don't even want to start. So. I'm gonna turn a blind eye to a murder and just concentrate on making Spike better. Because when it comes down to the crunch, that's all that really matters. Like I said, damned if I do and damned if I don't. I just hope that this is the least of the rockier roads to eternal damnation. 6 March, Monday, 2001 7.00 am Why are you here... touching me? Don't. You're gonna get me into trouble. Xan is gonna be so mad. Not at you because it has to be my fault that you're wiping at my face with something wet... touching my mouth. It's always my fault. Jesus, don't keep talking to me. I dunno what you're goin' on about anyway. You're not speaking loud enough. Shut the bloody Hell up. Go away. Leave. Now. Xander's gonna kick the shit out of me if he catches you feeling me up. He won't touch you... won't yell at you. My fault. He'll say that I couldn't keep my hands to myself, that I'm a slag just like my Mam was and he'd be right. Shouldn't have cheated on him. Did it for him only because I was too fucking stupid to figure something else out. I'm such a pathetic useless retard. He keeps tellin' me I am and every time I try not to be, I let him down and then he has try and help me think smart again. See? All the bloody pain I've been goin' through was just result of the 'lesson' he must've taught me. I must've deserved it. I always do. Why does he waste his time on me? He doesn't love me but.... So fucking lucky Xan's asleep. I know he's asleep. Can feel his heart beatin' nice and slow. Go now... before he wakes up. How did you even get in the house? How does he not know you're here? Why is Xander so far away from me? We always sleep together, why isn't he beside me? This is a dream. It has to be. You're not really here. But you are though, I can feel you. I don't understand why I feel so weird. God, I'm so tired and sore. He must've gone at me till I was totally out of it. I think this is the worst he's ever hurt me. Must've done somethin' real dumb this time. Can move a bit now. Not much though... not as much as I want to. All I can smell is blood. Why does it smell so off... old? Don't like it... fucking well creepin' me out. Somethin's real wrong here and I dunno what... I don't wanna hurt anymore and I will when he catches us. Stop. Lukas, don't touch me anymore. I don't want you to. Don't like your touch, it's not Xander's. No comfort... your hands are too big... and soft. Too soft. Gentle. Xander always has rough hands... scraping at my skin. Xander was with me before. Before I... floated... went away. But I'm back now and Xander's gone and I want you to be gone as well. Sod off! Yeah... I moved my hand. Doesn't mean you can touch me though. I like ya Mate but not like that and I know full well that you don't go for blokes so you sure as Hell shouldn't be touching me anywhere down *there*. Get your hand off me tackle. You're shifting bits I don't want shifted. Don't wanna know you no more. Never speaking to you again. Gonna get my blood from different bloke. God, your hand feels so bloody hot on my head. Stop touching my ears, don't like it. What? What did you say? I... I almost caught that. Did you say Xander? Fuck! You did. You stupid bastard, you just got me killed. If Xander see's you touching me, I'm dead. Not you. ME. He's gonna kill me. |
