MEDICAL JOKES

The Bearded Doc
A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her
the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was
a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length
mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought
she had better do what the doctor said.

As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his
head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some
very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.

Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was
just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.

"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"

"Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."

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Blue Balls

A man visits his doctor.

"I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of
my balls has turned blue."

The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the
patient would die if they didn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let
you do such a thing to me?"

"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and
the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But
two weeks after the operation, he came back.

"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has
turned blue too."

Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his
other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was
very reluctant. "Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc,
and the patient had to agree to the operation.

But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned
to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My
penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc
gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has
to go.

Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really
want to die?", asked the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?"

"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no
problem."

So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation,
the unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is
very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."

"What?"

"Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"

So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says, "Hmmmm, I think its
the jeans......"

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Clever Dad
Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of
cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on
the way home to celebrate it.

While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of
AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that
you are dying of AIDS?"

The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"

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A Compliment

Nancy goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.

He says, "You have acute vaginitis."

She says, "Thank you."

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Diagnosis
Mr Smith goes downstairs in the morning and his doorman says, "Mr Smith, how are you?" Smith
says, "I feel great." Doorman says, "But you look terrible!" Smith says, "But I feel great."

When Smith gets to the office, his secretary asks him how he is. He says, "I feel great!" She
says, "But you look terrible." He says, "But I feel great." Smith goes to lunch with his friend
and they have just the same conversation. His friend insists that he goes to the doctor and so
that is what Mr Smith does.

The doctor asks what the problem is. Smith says, "I feel great but I look terrible." Dr says,
"I don't know that ailment so I'll look in my medical book." The doctor takes out a huge tome.
"Feels great, looks terrible..." he says as he turns the pages, "Feels great, looks terrible....
Feels gre... I've got it!! You're a vagina!"

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The Good News

The usual scene. A Doctor says to a patient, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."

The patient asks for the bad news and the doctor tells him that he has just three weeks to live.
"Three weeks! That's terrible. I'll be dead in three weeks! What's the good news."

Doctor says, "See my huge breasted receptionist? Well, I'm fucking her!"

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Hick Doc
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that
there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring
mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman
deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor
lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first
breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

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Horny Pills

Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband never had sex
anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink and
she would be 'satisfied.'

The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they
made out.

The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got it on.

The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.

A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son answered the
phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant;
my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"

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Liz Taylor

Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of my dreams, finally, the
love of my life !" she announces to the surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a small problem.
This man is only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and don't want to
disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my vagina look like that of an 18 year old."

The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this operation, but does finally
agree to performing the said operation.

"But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows about this operation, that
no magazines or tabloids hear about it!"

"I swear Liz" the surgeon replies.

The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text book perfect and she is
moved to a recovery room.

Upon regaining consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at the foot of
her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her, Liz bursts into tears.

"How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul would hear of this operation!!! "

"Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me. I've been your friend,
as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years, I just wanted to make you feel good. The second
arrangement is from the anesthesiologist, he's gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I
thought it was okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your operation."

Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger ,"And who sent those?"

"Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the burns unit, he wanted to thank you
for his new ears".

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Midnight Call

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has
swallowed a contraceptive."

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just
found another one." Medical Jokes - Midnight Call

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has
swallowed a contraceptive."

The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband
just found another one."

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Reviving his Wife

A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the
head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed
down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought
she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she
actually did see some movement.

"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"

The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the
woman's eyes.

"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him
know."

Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived,
they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her
facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more
adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the room and that
you try a little oral sex," he said.

The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the
emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the
wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.

"Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."

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Side Effects

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone
(a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was
experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re
giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a

perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

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Surgeons Talk

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said,
"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside
is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and
everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is
color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and
their heads and their ass are interchangeable."