Just a little thought
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Train, Matchbox Twenty, Shinedown
Hey there. I am bored and practicing my singing. I am trying to get my voice to do what I want it to do. Not to sound like a country or pop singer. That way if I ever get a band I won’t be labeled under pop or country. I don’t want to be like Avril Lavigne or Kelly Clarkson. That would be a nightmare. I rather be like Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, but I am not punk or whatever. I rather be like a female version of The Postal Service. So pretty much singing to Train isn’t really going to help, but I haven’t listened to this CD in forever. It’s the first CD. I used to like this band a lot when I was in eighth grade. I had bought the latest CD and I havent listened to it yet. That’s sad. Well, it’s not like wasted money. I bought it at a library, brand new for just four bucks. Yup, that was cool. I had also bought the Live CD. You know, The Birds of Prey album. I only know two songs off the CD and only like one of them. So yeah, that was four bucks down the drain then. I don’t know.
Man, I didn’t get to sleep until like 4 or 5 this morning. I woke up at 11 and sort of just laid in bed until about two hours ago. I feel like shit. Since I have gotten back from Vegas I feel so tired. Like, I don’t feel like doing much of anything. I need to call some people, I just don’t feel like it.
Now I am listening to Matchbox Twenty. I don’t like this band anymore. I wasted 15 bucks on the last CD. It was crap. There was like at least two or three good songs until the radio played the life out of the songs. I have no idea why I am listening to them. I am trying to listen to all the CDs I haven’t listened to in a while. I am also to sing. I suck. I suck like my bass playing, my writing, and my fashion designs. I am utter crap. I am wasting my life.
There are a few people that tell me that I am good, but they don’t know what they are talking about. I am my own worst critic. Myself and one of my friends. But I am not getting into that. That’s a whole deal of other crap that it still unsettled in my head.
I have a lot of unsettled crap in my head. It’s fuck, get out of my head. But they all just stay there. I cry a lot. Like, a lot lot. So much it is sad. I’m so surprised that I have not dried out. Blah.
That reminds me. Do you know what is a good movie? Big Fish. That was a good movie. A lot people told me that it was stupid, but my mom had checked it out from the library and I saw it. It was good. I liked it a lot. And when I like a movie I watched it nonstop until I am forced to stop. I had to return it last week so now I can’t watch it. I get all obsessive like that with movies. Like, for the longest time I was obsessed with the movie Notting Hill. That movie mad me cry and the song “She” by Elvis Costello was what triggered the tears mostly. I wished some one felt that way about me. The words were just so... I wish that were true. That all guys held girls as their one and only. I wish I had the one person that was right for me in my arms right now. God... I am an idiot.
I tried calling my little fallen angel, but his cell is still all broken or something. I want to talk to him so bad. Just to hear his little country drawl is so cute to me. He says that he sound like trailer trash, but he says it playfully. My friend Hope said it cruelly. I do admit that he does talk that way. A bit of trailer trash mixed in with some Ebonics talk, but that is just when he is hyper or when he just wants to be heard, to be noticed. When it is just him, he has the softest, most calming voice. He can caused me to cry and get me to stop.
I got him upset one day. He had called me and he told me that he might be moving to South Carolina with his mom and that I might never see him again. I started crying when we were talking and he didn’t noticed. I am well concealed when I cry over the phone. I have had practice. Venus had told him that I had cried when we were talking and he called me and I told him and he said that he was upset that he did not notice. I told him not to be upset, I did not want him to notice, I never want him to see me cry. I am not sure if he has seen me cry, but I know that he has heard me cry now.
I just realized something. Do I indeed love my fallen angel? My best friend? No matter what I may be talking about before, I always end up coming back to him. It’s so stupid. I am in like with a skater that is a year younger than me and I am in love with my best friend at the same time. I also have these reoccurring feelings for a guy that I don’t like any more. It’s all complicated with that guy, so I would not like to get into it at this moment.
Every time that I talk about my FA (fallen angel) I listen to either Shinedown or Blue October. I don’t know why exactly. I know that for a while he favorite song was “Cold” by Crossfade. But I don’t really like that band all that much. I only like two songs by them. But I always listen to the last four tracks to Shinedown and i skip around on my Blue October CD. Some of the songs by Blue October remind me of him. I start to cry and yay. Erg.
I don’t know if I feel like typing anymore. My hands hurt and I am typing this on my computer in my room. The one with the internet is downstairs in my mom’s room. So pretty much I have to do a lot to post this. I also have a virus on my comp so it takes forever for my internet to come up. It also doesn’t help that I have dial up. So I’ll leave you now. Bye.

sophia aka neko

Just another day in the life of me... FUCK
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Fuel, Postal Service, Dashboard Confessional
This is so fucking unfair. I am completely and utterly furious. I went to NUMBERS last night. I can’t say that I didn’t have fun, but I just heard something that made me completely and utterly upset. I actually fucking cried as soon as I found out. This certain guy was supposed to come with us, well, meet us there. So, the whole time that I was looking out for him I was wasting my time. I was so glad that after like, sadly, two hours I gave up and just started dancing and smoking. Fuck it I say. I went out to have fun and I wasn’t going to let him not showing up upset me. But to have the nerve to say that he was coming and say that he needed a ride only to end up at my ex best friend’s house with a bitch that is saying that she is my friend and really isn’t is super fucking upsetting.
Why cant she just tell me that she is not my friend anymore. I don’t understand why she is like that. this whole summer I thought that she was still my friend. Sure, I don’t hang out with her as much as I used to, but that was her fault. She never invited me and I am certainly not going to just invite myself. That is just stupid and needy. So while she was running around stealing my best friends and apparently telling people that we are not friends and then having the guy I am totally crushing on just stop talking to me all of the sudden is really a bunch of bullshit. That’s why I am screwed. The guys I like she is friends with because she throws herself at guys. I don’t care what the fuck she says, but she does. I don’t like being stabbed in the back. She talks so much shit about my now best friends. She hates them. My number one best friend she thinks is a slut and my number two best friend the same. She doesn’t see that she is a slut herself. And my best friends are not sluts. They have made mistakes in their lives and they are living though it. They are trying to make the best of their lives trying to be good people, but here is this bitch talking so much shit about the people that I love. I hate her. I don’t understand how some one who I considered a very close friend can just suddenly be so cruel to me. And behind my back at that. I just hate her so much now.
Right now, I am singing my heart out to my Fuel CD. I haven’t listened to this CD since I bought it. It’s the Natural Selection album. I own all three of their CDs. They used to be my favorite band when I was 14 and 15, but eventually I got into more Emo stuff. But, I do still like this band. I am an Emo Indie Punk, but I still listen to whatever I feel like listening to. Like, right now I am angry, but not angry enough to thrash around to Kittie. So I’m listening to Fuel. Right now I am singing my heart out to “Falls on Me”. This song reminds me of something. I think that is why I like the song so much. I don’t know what it reminds me at this moment, but it feels so significant to me. It seems a little stupid since it was the first single from this album to hit the radio stations. But even after listening to the whole CD this song and “Million Miles” remind me of something and I haven’t really listened to the words properly to find any meaning. I am scared that if I do I will find out some deep dark secret about a guy or something.
Oh, yeah. since this is my first entry, let me just let me let you know. I am in love with my male best friend. Or I think that I am. It is actually quite sad. My number one best friend Venus and I are such little dorks. Like, I think that the reason that we get along so well, is that we are so grown up in a different than anyone else we know. We are worried about college, our careers, our future families. Venus had to become an adult early because of the things that have happened to her. I woke up one day not wanting to talk to any of my old friends any more because they just seemed too childish. But I can’t bear to let any one go. I can’t, so I pretended that I was as dumb as they were and all that jazz, but what they do is pussy stuff.
Like, now, if I want to go out and have fun and shit, I just either go hang out with Venus and we’ll stay up talking or we’ll go to the bowling alley and bowl drunk (which is fun by the by). And now I go with my number two best friend Kathy to NUMBERS to drink and smoke and go clubbing. I think that I am going to invite Venus one day. That way I have some one to dance with. Even though she is a girl I will feel more comfortable dancing if she was there with me.
But yeah, I am in love with my best friend. It is a weird situation. He knows, but we are like whatever. It doesn’t even matter. I can live without it. Plus, I don’t really know if I am in love with him or the idea of him. He is like this fallen angel to me. He is attractive, but not super pretty or whatever. He’s a white boy. I love white boys. Hee hee. (I’m Hispanic if that helps.) But even though he used to treat me so bad and made me cry all the time, he has turned a new leave. and I am so happy that I stuck around to experience that. I call him my fallen angel because of this. He is can be so kind and gentle and loving, but he has a bad temper on him. He can kill if I let him. But I won’t let him do anything violent anymore.
I miss him so much. He got a job this summer moving stuff like washing machines and crap. He’s always on the road. And when he was back here in Houston (where I live) I was in Las Vegas. We miss each other’s phone calls and we haven’t been able to come to a common ground in a long time where I can just talk to him. I remember the last time I talked to him. He warned me about that bitch I was ranting about earlier. God, I miss him so much.
That’s what Venus and I also have in common. We are both waiting for our fallen angels. She loves one of my good pals that I barely started talking to this year. He thought I was some goody two shoes and I was scared of him. Now he is my best drinking buddy. Well, the dumb ass got him self arrested and he moved out to Tomball with him mother because he is under house arrest. We have had no contact with him since May when he graduated. He is such a cool guy. And what makes him Venus’s fallen angel is pretty much the same as my fallen angel. He is a sweet guy. He is so, I don’t know. I was drawn to him as soon as we started talking, but Venus got to him first. But he is a drinker and druggie, but he is a good person. That is why he is Venus’s fallen angel. The thing is, he doesn’t know how she feels because she just realized these things, so my best friend is suffering. I don’t know what to do. So we wait. We sit together and wait for our fallen angels to return to us. While we sit here crying our tears, trying so hard to keep a brave face and keep our secret love for our angels within our group of four, we pray to God that they know what we love them and they won’t find love any where else. Because their home is with us. I hope so, cause our home is with them.
Now, I’ve upset myself. I feel like crying.
Hi... Um... You don’t know but I took like an hour break. My friend Frank called, then my friend Eliana called and I talked to her for a really long time. I haven’t talked to her since her birthday. We kept missing each other’s calls and the such. It was all whatever. But yeah, I’m in a better mood now that I sort of got my mind off of things. I’m now listening to The Postal Service. I love them. They are my number three favorite band. It’s weird, my music taste is.
Like, here is my top five favorite bands in order: The Killers, The Strokes, The Postal Service, My Chemical Romance, and HIM. It’s like it all starts off similar then this Emo punk band pops up then a love metal band. But the thing that they have in common is the Emo-ness of the bands. I declare myself an Emo-Angst. Yup, that’s me.
Man, it’s like 1:20 am and I am hardly sleepy. Like, my eyes are heavy and I’m tired, but I am not sleepy. So I am now singing my heart to “Such Great Heights”
Man, that song is in those M&Ms commercials but it is all slow and acoustic. It’s weird, but it sounds pretty and I have no idea what it has to do with shelled milk chocolate candy.
I think that this is the most that I have ever written in any blog that I have. I used to write a lot on my Livejournal, but I stopped going there since i got a Myspace. I hardly ever write in that blog. There are way too many people there that might read something that they shouldn’t. I kind of let all my feelings and thoughts when I write.
I like to write. I’d like to say that I am a writer, but I am not that good. I have horrid grammar and I think that this entry is proof enough. Well, to really. I am typing pretty fast and it is the middle of the night. I am actually in the process of writing like three or four novels. Two in which I have writing for years. Once I have writing for six years and another for three. I have been changing a lot of things. When I first started writing the books I was trying to keep it with the times. With what was cool. Now I have decided to have the books match what I think cool. So that means good music and high fashion. Throw in a few hot musicians and all is heaven.
I think that I am trying to waste time now and space. Yay.
Right now I am listening to “Nothing Better”. This reminds me how I started listening to Postal Service. My friend Hope and her ex boyfriend decided to a cover of this song for Battle of the Bands. I was at her house a lot during that time period and she played the song over and over so she could know all the words and the timing and such. The song just sort of stuck in my head. I found out the name of the band and my friend had a burned copy and I listened to the whole album and I loved it. She ended up giving me her CD and now I am listening to it now as I type. Yay.
Isn’t it nice how I am going on for a long time about nothing? I know you are either annoyed or having a lot of fun. I hope you are having fun. That way you cam keep reading my nonsense.
CHICKEN!!!!!!
Sorry... My cousin likes to say chicken a lot. Just out of nowhere she just says “CHICKEN!!!!!” I like chicken, do you like chicken? God, now I really am just saying random things.
I played my bass today. I haven’t played my bass in like two months. I am super out of practice. i am a beginner so i suck anyways, but now I suck even more. That makes me sad. I suck on bass. Boo hoo...
Oy, now my inner punk has come out...
OY OY OY!!!!
I’m sorry about that. Man, I am so tempted to play with my new knife. I got a new cool knife. well, I got two new knifes when I went to Vegas, but I like the sharper one. It’s pretty and it’s sharp. I like the fact that it is sharp.
Staring at this computer screen for so long is making me sleepy so I will sadly end this now. It’s so sad cause wanted to type a little bit longer. I had a goal on how much I wanted to write and I sadly have not reached it yet. Dammit!
I’m so close, but i am too lazy to keep typing to actually get to that marking point where I had wanted to stop. That sucks.... I set a goal for myself and like all the disappointments of live, I have not succeeded at accomplishing a goal yet again.
Dammit I am so close, but my hand hurts. I’ll go ahead and end this. peace out and all that crap.

Laters,

Sophia aka Neko

PS> With this ps I have reached my goal on how long I wanted this entry to be. YES!!!!!!!

I win I win I win!!!!

okay... Bye for real this time. Laters.