The Bull's Music, Midi & Fun Website - Jokes Page 21

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Jokes Page 2
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Joke Menu 21 - 40
21.	The Frog and the Scorpion	31.	A man goes into a bar with 3 ducks!
22.	Rules from the Male side	32.	What Gender is a computer?
23.	A redhead at the fairground	33.	Secrets to a perfect relationship (for women)
24.	The TV writer & the prostitute	34.	A woman takes a duck to the vet
25.	A Texan in a restaurant	35.	Boy with an itch
26.	Two buddies go skiing	36.	The Defence
27.	A man calls the police...	37.	Work vs Prison
28.	Two blondes	38.	The Three Nuns
29.	An Indian story...	39.	The Science Teacher
30.	A "Newfie" visits the Zoo	40.	Three Priests

Joke 21: The Frog and the Scorpion

A scorpion asks a frog for help crossing a river. Intimidated by the scorpion's prominent stinger, the frog demurs.

"Don't be scared," the scorpion says. "If something happens to you, I'll drown.''

Moved by this logic, the frog puts the scorpion on his back and wades into the river.
Half way across, the scorpion stings the frog.

The dying frog croaks, "How could you -- you know that you'll drown?"

"It's my nature," gasps the sinking scorpion.

Joke 22: Rules from the male side

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules:-

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

5. Crying is blackmail.

6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

16 . ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Lilac is a flower. We have no idea what mauve is.

17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

18 . If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

19. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

21. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.

22. You have enough clothes.

23. You have too many shoes.

24. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the settee
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Joke 23: A redhead at the fairground

A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious. Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse,and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts. The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!

Joke 24: The TV writer & the prostitute

A prominent television writer was being ministered to by a talented prostitute. She was giving him a total body tongue job, more commonly known as a trip around the world. At the same time he was arguing on the telephone with a collaborator over a plot twist on a new television drama on which they were working jointly. The argument got so heated that the prostitute looked up from her work and complained, "Damn it, man, argue on your own time!"
The writer bellowed into the phone, "We're going to do it my way!" And then he turned to the girl. "And you...you keep a civil tongue in my ass!"

Joke 25: A Texan in a restaurant

A Texan enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the Texan.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1000000 in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

WELL, the Texan, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2000000 in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 3 inches! Sorry, honey."

Joke 26: Two buddies go skiing

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up John's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit ?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

Joke 27: A Man calls the police...

"Hello, is this the police???
"Yes it is. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Hori He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the police officers descended on Hori's house en masse. They searched the house and then proceeded to the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no cocaine. They swore at Hori and left. The phone rang at hori's house.
"Hey, Hori! Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, mate".

Joke 28: Two blondes

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.

Joke 29: An Indian story...

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant serious business.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night...but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!!

What is the moral of this story???

Come on..........take a guess!
Think about it................
You're going to love this!
Here it comes............................
And the moral is........................
You can't kill two birds with one stone!

Joke 30: A "Newfie" visits the Zoo

A Newfoundland man living in Toronto decided to visit the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age. The Newfie was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy, and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Oh yes," the boy said.

The Newfie was very loud in not believing that this was true. So the man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot, and the people said he was correct.

The Newfie got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally, the man could take it no longer, and offered to bet the Newfie that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age.

The Newfie accepted the wager. The elephant looked very closely at the skeptic, then turned around, raised his tail and broke wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he turned back around and stomped his foot twice.

The Newfie stumbled back amazed, and, with a sound of disbelief in his voice, cried, "Lard tunderin' Jaysus bye, he's right...I'm Farty-two!"

Joke 31: A man goes into a bar with 3 ducks!

A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender. The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks. They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the rest room. He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another. The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.

"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?" said the duck.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck,
"Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!" said the duck in reply.

So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had!"

Joke 32: What Gender is a computer?

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending all of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Joke 33: Secrets to a perfect relationship (for women)

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Joke 34: A woman takes a duck to the vet

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took
the bill. "£150!", she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been only £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan....."

Joke 35: Boy with an itch

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mum." she screamed.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Joke 36: The Defence

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Joke 37: Work vs Prison

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer.

IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...they are called managers

Have a Great Day at WORK !!

Joke 38: The Three Nuns

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black."

One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke,

"black, black, black."

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear,and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.

Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on his perch.

Then, after a while, the Parrot said,

"Straight, Straight, Curly!"

Joke 39: The Science Teacher

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!!"

Joke 40: Three Priests

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled.

The third priest moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."