I gazed at the flames. They danced and spun, reaching and jumping up in suicidal leaps. The embers crackled wildly, the only sound in the silent room. The others would be coming soon, any moment now. I glanced about the darkened room. We would be calling Suzaku today, and everything would be turned right. Everything would be over.

Nuriko.

He had agreed to marry me. I… perhaps I should have been happy. I did love him, but I… He loved someone else. I shut my eyes and shook my head. That sudden sadness that had come to his face. It was my fault. I had caused it, and despite how much I wanted to, despite wishing to with all my heart, I could not fix it. I was useless. The only thing I could do was hurt him more.

I tried to tell myself that it would all turn out, that somehow it would be all right. But it would not. He had agreed out of duty, not out of any feeling. And I could not even tell him how I felt. I couldn't.

The others began entering at that moment, Chichiri and Tasuki first, the masked monk guiding the bandit and talking cheerfully about the ceremony. Chiriko followed behind them looking lost, uncertain, almost wary. I smiled slightly to myself. He was so young, even though I was only three years older, so caught up in the excitement of all of this. I suppose we all were. Mitsukake wandered in next, a silent shadow, the cat on his shoulder announcing his arrival. Tamahome was next, being quiet for once.

And Nuriko was last. He walked in slowly, glancing around, his beautiful face lit with awe at the room. The flame light reflected in his eyes as he glanced at me and flashed me a wary smile. I smiled back slightly and glanced away. Would we pretend that all was normal? Could we?

Miaka walked in, the flowing fabric of her miko robes swishing around her feet. She stepped towards the center of the room, silent. I glanced around. Now. We were ready. I looked around one last time and called out. "Everyone ready yourselves. When the miko begins to read..."
 
 

"... relax and keep your ki under control and open," she was saying.

I turned my attention away from my thoughts and to the emperor for a minute, studying her, then lowered my eyes. There had not been a time for us to talk since she had asked me. The announcement had been made to the harem and the town, to the entire province, yet none of the other seishi had said anything yet. Had they not heard? It didn't really matter. They would hear soon enough. I could imagine their shock and outrage. I suppose they would think that because Hotohori-sama could not have Miaka that she would marry me to escape from other possible marriage contracts- ones that would necessitate sexual relations. Yet if we were both men, then it would be impossible and the emperor would not have to worry about that or pressure to marry. They still didn't know her secret. I could just envision their faces...

I suddenly realized what the emperor was asking of us, and it seemed Tasuki caught my thought. "That'll leave us defenseless!" the bandit protested. He was right. If each of us had our ki as opened and relaxed as she had asked, we would have no protection. But that shouldn't have been a concern. All the Suzaku seishi were assembled.

"If we're attacked, we'll be killed," I said quietly. I was worried and I didn't know why. It was bothering me. It wasn't that I doubted Hotohori-sama's judgment, but being a female for so many years had taught me not to doubt my intuition. And that kanji that had appeared in the mirror, the kanji for "wisdom." What had that been? I had not told Hotohori-sama and I wondered if I should have.

Chichiri reassured us all, most specifically Miaka. "It'll be all right, Miaka-chan! Just repeat what I say."

I was lost in thought again. A long time ago, when I thought Hotohori-sama was a man, I had planned to ask Miaka to change me into a woman so that I would at least have a tiny chance for the emperor's heart. But that didn't matter now- I was going to marry her and I would not have her heart. I prayed that we would stay friends, even though it would be very uncomfortable for both of us. And then her voice rang out through the sanctuary. "Pray!"

I looked at her out of the corner of my eye, trying not to be obvious. So perfect, so beautiful, so inaccessible to me. Part of me wanted to ask Miaka to wish Hotohori-sama to love me, but I knew I would never be happy if that happened. I wanted her to love me of her own free will, as I loved her.

It had started.

"The Four Directions of the Sky, by using the Way, Mind, and Goodness, please call Suzaku, the Protector of the South," Miaka intoned, her light voice strong.

I shivered. Something was wrong. No... everything was wrong. How could I ever make her happy? I wouldn't be anything more to her than a night companion, fathering her children. I wanted to cry and knew I could not. Why did I have to love her so much?

"Now I will complete the words. From the sky to the earth, come to us physically. Through the Ultimates, please make extinct every kind of evil. By using your godly powers, protect us. Only I wish. Please listen to this: please come down to us from the sky!" And it was done.

Silence. Awful, despairing silence, save the snap of the flames.

Tamahome was the first to speak. "Why? Nothing came!!" His voice was filled with anger.

That was when the flute started playing.

I cried out, pain searing through my head. I could hear sounds of hurt from the others and vaguely saw Miaka talking to Chiriko, trying to discover what was wrong.

"You have failed. You can no longer call Suzaku." His voice was cold and clear, distant, so unlike the normal gentleness that I had seen in him.

The flute had left a haunting melody pouring through my ears, obscuring my hearing. Everything was blurred. I wanted to try to help Miaka, to help Hotohori-sama, but it was so difficult to even move. I lifted my eyes to him and even that was a strain.

"Being too kind was your weakness. But it's all over for you." The boy whom we had thought was Chiriko gave us a slight smirk. He had us at his mercy, and both we and he knew it.

Tamahome seemed to still have energy. "Bastard!! You've got to be Seiryuu's!"

Tasuki was enraged. "Rekka shinen!" he flung out, but the flames didn't seem to harm him at all.

"Seiryuu shichiseishi... Amiboshi," he said simply. I watched, helpless, as he raised the flute to his lips.

The music ripped a hole through my brain, searing black lights into my eyes. I cried out and fell to my knees. Darkness and light were whirling together, my vision disappearing into the void of pain. I felt my hands touch something, fabric, perhaps a sleeve, and gripped it tightly. It was a tangible link to reality, away from the pain, and I had to have it. It hurt, it hurt, didn't he realize how much it hurt?

But it wasn't just physical. Images flashed across my mind, seeing all the suffering I had lived through in my life. I saw my sister, the cart, the blood... I saw my father, furious when he first saw me wearing her clothes... I saw myself, my first glimpse of Hotohori-sama when I was presented at court... I saw the rejection in her eyes, whom I thought then were the eyes of a man... I saw the lonely nights that I spent waiting, wondering if the emperor would ever notice me... I saw the longer nights that I couldn't sleep because I was crying too hard... I saw the broken wishes for the love of the ruler of the country, knowing I could never get it, knowing that whatever I tried was empty, knowing that despite my lies, despite everything I tried to pretend, I was nothing, and never would be more.

It was then that another tune wound itself around the agonizing melody of our lost companion. I was still immobile when he stopped playing and looked around.

"Impossible! My magic has been broken!" he exclaimed angrily, and it was only a second before Tamahome had reached him and had kicked him across the face. I opened my eyes, still dizzy from his spell. Amiboshi had fled out the door and I could hear the footsteps of those running after him.

"Matte!" Tamahome yelled. I tried not to smile ironically. If someone were chasing after me with an intent to kill me, I certainly wouldn't wait.

"I'm with you!" shouted Tasuki, following after his friend. They would take care of it. I was confident in them. Woozy, I turned to see what it was that I had in my hand. It was indeed a sleeve- and it was a royal sleeve.
 
 

The painful music had ceased, but my head still swam and my vision was clouded. It had hurt so much, the way the tune of the flute had torn through my mind and drilled into my very being. The cries of the others had only added to the pain, blending with the sound of anguish that the wicked instrument sent forth. I opened my eyes hesitantly, waiting for the dizzy feeling to go away. A hand was clutching tightly to my sleeve

Nuriko dropped my sleeve and pulled his hand away quickly as though he had been burned. "Ah! Gomen ne!" His face looked surprised, and he swayed dizzily even on his knees. I almost reached out to steady him, but stopped myself before I did.

Shaking my head slightly I blinked, glancing around through blurry eyes, still so dizzy from the pain. "What? Why are you apologizing?" I asked confused. His face was drawn with pain that was just now fading, leaving only a haunted glow in his eyes.

A moment passed in silence and he simply looked at me a bit unsure. "Are you all right, Hotohori-sama?"

I nodded, trying to clear my head of the ache and the sense of fogginess that had settled into it and turned my eyes to Nuriko. "Hai... are you?" A wave of worry washed over me, only adding to the dizziness I was feeling. Was he all right?

He nodded, pushing back his thick hair and glancing behind him. "Mitsukake?" I followed his gaze to the healer. The tall man was doubled over holding his head. I suppose he had spent the most time with Chiri... Amiboshi. Perhaps that why he was affected so badly. I glanced to Nuriko.

"We should get him somewhere else... He’s worse off than we are," he said, managing to rise to his feet with a limited amount of balance.

I turned to Mitsukake, rising to my feet slowly. The physical pain had faded, but there was still a wrenching feeling in my chest, but that was not from the flute. That pain ran deeper. "Right..." I bent down, taking one of the larger man's arms, supporting him and helping him to his feet.

Nuriko hurried to his other side, managing to help support him as well, despite the tremendous height difference. "Mitsukake? Daijobu ka?"

He nodded, his head barely moving, and grunted a bit. He was conscious. That was a plus.

"Come on..." Nuriko's voice came, soft, reassuring. "We'll get you someplace where you can sit and rest." We half-aided, half-carried him over to a chair in the corner of the room. The dim light could barely drive the shadows away from corners. Nuriko bent to examine him, whispering a few questions to him, making sure he could answer them. His manner was so earnest, so concerned. He truly cared for people.

He turned his eyes away from Mitsukake and glanced up at me through his dark fringe of eyelashes, watching me, a question lingering in his eyes. I simply looked back, unable to give him an answer, not knowing the question.

He moved away from Mitsukake, gliding like a figure in a dream, and turned to face me. "Ne, Hotohori-sama..."

My eyes followed him and I turned to face him as well. "Hai?"

He paused, watching me for a long minute, his eyes studying me. I felt naked under his penetrating gaze. Could he see straight through me, straight into me? His voice finally came from out of the silence. "Are you all right?"

The same question as before. It threw me off. "Hai... I said I was."

He watched me for one moment more and then dropped his eyes. "No... I mean... about everything... about..." He looked up at me, a small frown creasing his forehead and clouding his face. "About us." The words were a whisper and he spoke them as though he did not like the taste they brought to his lips.

I looked back at him for a time, seeing the sadness in his face. "Hai... I..." I stopped my words before they could leave my lips and paused for a moment. "I am." My voice dropped to a quiet whisper. "Are you?"

The smile he gave me was sad, bittersweet. "Of course. I have nothing to complain about."

I half-smiled back, but it took much of the effort I could muster. I did not know the thoughts behind his words, but he would not complain. He... I had seen it before- even if he were hurting, he would hurt in silence, inside himself. "Neither do I..." I replied to him, my words true. I was in love with him and I would be able to spend every day near him, beside him... but he did not love me. I was hurting him. I glanced away, back to the still-dancing flames.

A shy true smile started across his face slowly, blossoming like a flower. "Hotohori-sama..."

I glanced back at him. In that moment, he was so lovely, the small smile making his entire face shine like the dawn. "Hmm?" I answered questioningly.

He looked for a minute as if he were about to say something, but he stopped before it was said and glanced out to where the sound of voices could be heard in the distance, coming closer. "Ne... I think they're back."

I nodded and followed his gaze to the door. "Hai... you're right. I... I suppose we should go meet them, ne?"

He smiled softly at me again but then his face fell. "I wonder if they... well, if Chiriko- iie, Amiboshi- is all right..."

I looked doubtful. They would not be back so soon if... I pushed that thought from my mind. "I..." I paused. I could not reassure him. I was almost positive it was otherwise. "We'll have to ask them..."

He nodded and glanced up at me. "They're here." We walked towards the door to meet our friends, our fellow seishi, the fire still crackling vainly behind us.
 
 
 

It was so stuffy in here. I wanted to open a window, but knew I couldn't.

Miaka had been coming in fairly frequently to check on me. I still don't think she had any idea why I was shut up in this room, our make-shift cock-loft. Poorer brides used real cock-lofts. The future empress used a back room of the palace that had been used by future empresses for centuries.

I was humming a song, a suitable lament, a song that I would be expected to sing. I was supposed to be mourning the separation from my family, but that had happened years ago. What I truly mourned was how close I would be to her every day, how amazingly intimate, yet never able to tell her my heart.

I also mourned Amiboshi and his loss. Even though he had turned against us, he had been a sweet soul. And we had been unable to call Suzaku.

But there were seven of us now- the true seven. And we had a commission to go find the shinzahou.

I sighed and wandered over to the other side of the small room.

The star watching festival had been so much fun. That had been last night. Since then, I had been here. I had won several small prizes at the weight-lifting contest, but the only one I had kept was a little bag of change, now tied to the sash at my waist. I had plans for that money. Everything had been wonderful until Tasuki and I had lost Miaka. We searched and searched and finally returned to the palace, where, of course, she was.

I looked down at my wrists. While not what I might have chosen for myself, the bracelets from Taiitsu-kun were certainly lovely. The jade jewel on each of them glimmered with a certain light that I had never seen in jewelry. I wondered what they were for and why she had given them to me. Yet that didn't matter now. It was time for me to focus my mind on Hotohori-sama and what would be our life together.

Dawn of the next day seemed to come too soon. There was a soft knock on the door. I arose from the bed, not having slept anyway, and opened it. An older attendant greeted me with words of joy and I smiled politely. While she chattered to me, I followed her to the next stage of the wedding preparations.

She led me to a bathing room and then proceeded to try to tug off my robe. My eyes widened, cleared of all sleep- or lack thereof- and I pulled away. "Don't!!"

She blinked up at me. Despite my rather small stature for a man, I was still taller than most of the women. "Now, Kourin-sama, let me help you."

I pulled away from her more, my brows lowering. "Please... leave me. I'm quite capable of bathing myself."

She gave me a dark frown. "Kourin-sama, you need others today more than any other time. Today is your last day as a virgin."

I choked. I had not thought about that. I shook my head slightly at her. "Please. I just want to be alone."

She gave me a worried look, but left me in the room with the bath and shut the door behind me.

I stepped behind the changing screen and slowly pulled off my clothes. Tonight... would we really be like that? I shivered slightly. This hadn't been what I wanted at all. I wanted to make her happy, and I knew that would hurt her. I sighed quietly as I slid into the bath.

It had just been prepared for me. The water was almost too hot and smelled of pumelo, a type of grapefruit. It was used to purify me from evil influences.

I shut my eyes, leaning back against the wall. It felt good, relieving my stress, relaxing my muscles. Whoever had come up with this idea had been a genius.

I rested there a while, just listening to my soft breathing. I think I fell asleep because it seemed as if no time had passed until I heard a knock on the door.

Reflex made me hurriedly cover my chest, burying myself deeper in the water. "Hai?"

"Kourin-sama, I have your clothes here. May I come in?" It was the woman from earlier.

I nearly panicked. "A-anou..." I flew out of the tub and tucked myself behind the screen. "It's all right now... please come in."

"I'll leave them on the table out here," she said gently and I heard the door shut. I guess she thought I was a rather unwilling bride. I stood up slowly and peered around the corner of the screen to make sure she was gone. She was.

I stepped out and put on my robe. She had to dress my hair first. "Obaa-san?" I called to her, a little worried that she would not be out there. My damp hair I lifted off the back of my neck, twisting in my hands to get some of the water out. I smelled like grapefruit. I smiled slightly.

She pushed the door open. "Kourin-sama, are you ready for me to fix your hair?"

I gave her a nervous little nod and sat in the chair in the room. A table rested in front of me, loaded with brushes and pins to be used in my hair. I shut my eyes and waited.

She murmured auspicious words of blessing in my ears as she styled my hair. It seemed like forever until she was finished. I was so nervous suddenly. Was I really going to do this? Could I marry her like this?

"It's done," she said softly, and I reopened my eyes.

I was gazing at myself in the mirror, my long hair done up in the style of a married woman. I shivered.

"I need to change," I said quietly, hearing the tremor in my voice. She seemed to as well, for she left the room without a word. I took a deep breath. I would be fine. I had to be.

I stood up and slowly slid into the new clothes, loving every moment of the feel of the perfect silk against my clean skin. Although red was not the best color on me, it was not too bright that it made me look washed out. I peered at myself in the full-length mirror that was in the room. I looked lovely. The light flicks of purple here and there were lighter than my hair and enhanced my eyes. Whoever had picked this out had done an excellent job.

I wrapped my arms around myself, studying myself. I would never be good enough for her, no matter what I looked like, how lovely I felt. The silk was cool against my fingertips.

Lastly, I turned my eyes to the small shrine of candles in the corner. Suzaku. I bowed my head slightly in reverence. It would have to do for the worship. It was nearly time to go.

I took a deep breath and stepped out the door.

As she was supposed to be, the older woman was waiting there. She was to carry me to the main hall on her back, but I was not sure if she could. I was not very heavy, but I didn't want to strain her. Yet she smiled and turned, indicating that I was to do so anyway.

I felt very, very foolish as I clambered onto her back. She moved slowly underneath me towards the throne room.

It was another eternity until we arrived. I'm sure my face matched my dress. But she let me down outside the door and I stepped in, barefoot, myself.

The shoes were waiting for me. For some reason that I did not remember, they were placed on a sieve. I looked around, searching for Hotohori-sama, but she was not present. The only one who greeted me was Akito, who was regarding me silently.

I bowed deeply to him and stepped forward, placing my feet into the small red slippers. I moved away from the sieve and turned my eyes to him, unsure what to do next.

He moved towards me, a beaded red veil and crown in his hands. He leaned over to me and placed the phoenix crown on my head, the veil hanging over my face. A gentle smile rested on his face as he pulled away.

"It was her mother's," he said lowly. "I'd always hoped for some reason to place it on Saihitei someday..."

His tone was very unlike his usual. Was he a romantic at heart? I gave him a small smile through the beads, sad, wishing... "I'm sorry..."

He shook his head. "But I know where to find you if you don't make her happy."

I tried not to flinch visibly and nodded. I bowed deeply to him again. I would do my best.

He started to walk away from me, then paused. "I'm going to see to the emperor now... but there's someone here you might want to see." He continued out the door and pushed it open, revealing a tall shadow in the door frame. I took a step forward, unable to see the person.

Suddenly in my vision was caught the color of his hair and I froze. Akito shut the door behind him and my brother stepped into the room.

"Aniki...?" I whispered.

He took another step forward. "Ryuuen?" His voice was full of amazement. I suppose it was rather unusual to one's brother in the outfit of a bride.

I was a little unsure. Would he still accept me? What must he think of me? But then he held out his arms to me and I couldn't do anything but go to him and hold him tightly. I would not let my tears come, no matter how much they threatened to do so. I buried my face in his chest. How long had it been since I had seen him? Forever, too long.

And so I spoke with my older brother while waiting to get married to one who was wedding me for the sake of her country.

Like Hotohori-sama had suggested, I told him the truth about her true gender.

And so he was happy for me.

I hadn't told him all the truth about her heart.
 
 

They pushed the bed the last couple of feet into place, looking at it, then each other, and nodded their approval. I did not know either of them, but they had been chosen because they fit the criteria: married, living spouse, children, and a few other things I could not remember. The woman was older than me, dressed modestly, her hair tied more or less back in a respectable style. The man, even older than the woman, had short dark hair that hung into his eyes and a quick willing smile. They glanced at me, watching them in the doorway, and bowed slightly as they left the room, talking.

Two servants entered the room as the man and woman left and scattered seeds and small fruits across the bed. Immediately after them, a swarm of young children rushed in and leaped on the bed, wrestling and jumping about on it. I smiled at them, unable to tear my eyes away from watching them. They were so innocent, so happy. They had no idea that the union they had been brought to bless had already been cursed by fate. Nuriko loved another.

One of the children, a tiny girl, slipped off the bed and walked over to me, her little bare feet padding softly across the floor. She held up her hand to me. "Ne... here!" She took my hand with her other and placed a small fruit in it. She smiled, her sweet little face glowing. "You look lonely... You can have this, 'cause the others are gonna eat the rest." I bent down to eye-level and smiled back at her.

"Thank you."

She nodded and scurried back to the bed, climbing on again. I watched her for a moment more, until I felt a hand on my arm. "Heika-sama..." Akito stood behind me, a small smile on his face. "It's time to get ready."

I nodded and followed him to the room where I would prepare for the wedding. Akito shut the door behind me and left me alone. Weren't weddings supposed to be joyful? I sighed to myself as I pulled the long gown-like robe around me; it was a soft material, silk perhaps. Joyful... I could not bring myself to be overly happy. Nuriko... I loved him, I wanted him to be happy, but I had trapped him into this. He could not be happy, and it was my fault. I sighed and fastened the sash, a scarlet length of fiery silk, about myself, making sure the silk ball attached to it was in the correct place.

There was a preemptory knock at the door and Akito entered. "Wonderful, Sai-chan, the clothes fit perfectly." He stepped over to me and began tugging and pulling at the garments making sure everything was in the right place. I attempted to pull away, but he was relentless. "There." He paused. "You look wonderful, Sai-chan..." He smiled a bit sadly. "Your mother would be proud."

I smiled back at him ever so slightly. "Am I really doing this, Akito?"

"Yes, you are. Really," he answered. "And we have to go now..." He opened the door and gestured for me to exit. I followed him out and to the room that housed the family altar.

The air in that room was cooler than the outside and a small breeze seemed to stir it, but no breeze blew. I knelt at the altar and Akito stepped over to me placing a small cap about my head. It was adorned with dark green cypress leaves. I stood and looked at Akito. He was still smiling. "I..." He paused. "We're ready now..."

We stepped outside into the bright sunshine, ready for the procession to Nuriko, to where he waited because of some sense of duty while I came to steal his freedom, to crush his chances to have the one he truly loved. I looked to Akito and nodded, forcing a smile. My shoes padded across the ground towards the bridal sedan. Akito removed the silk ball from my sash and placed it on the sedan chair.

Akito was performing all the duties my father would have, had he been alive. For that one thing I was glad. Akito was the closest thing I had to a parent left. He had always been there, throughout my childhood and my early years of ruling the country. I loved him like a father; I always had.

Chiriko, the young boy who had saved our lives, appeared at my side. "Hotohori-sama," he said, bowing slightly in greeting. A smile creased his young face and I found myself smiling back. It was tradition for a child to accompany the groom on the procession to the bride, and Chiriko had been quite happy to comply even though he was only a child in age. He had saved our lives and knew more than many of us did.

The fireworks began going off in the background and the sound of drums rang through the air. A group of men picked up the sedan chair and we began the short walk to where Nuriko would be waiting.

Nuriko, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. My mind raced and there was a strange tightness in my chest as we walked, and despite the warm shining sun, I shivered.
 
 

I heard the firecrackers first, announcing the arrival of the emperor. I glanced at my brother. "She's coming..." I moved away from him and toward the door, the beads of my veil rattling quietly against my face. It was time.

She pushed open the door, her eyes looking around warily. Akito was close behind her, smiling slightly, almost a smirk.

I took a shy step forward, trying to smile through the veil, noting that I was having trouble smiling at all. She looked absolutely beautiful, her hair pulled tightly back to reveal her perfect features. I'm sure the awe could be seen through my mask of beads. I wondered, if she looked so lovely in men's clothes, how she would look in women's clothing. Can one improve on perfection?

She glanced down at me, her eyes widening ever so slightly, and just looked at me for a moment before smiling shakily. She turned from me then, moving back out from where she had come.

I followed her as she led me outside to the bridal sedan. I looked at it, heaped in flowers and curtained around so that I would not be able to see outside of it, to prevent me from glimpsing anything that could possibly have any evil influence. I kept my eyes down, wondering what my brother must be thinking of me, wondering what Hotohori-sama was thinking. I noted that underneath all the flowers rested a sieve and a mirror. I sighed. It was so superstitious. Nothing could curse me more than I was, sentenced to love and marry one who loved another.

She looked at the chair silently, stepping forward to pull open the curtain for me. Her eyes then rested on me, her expression almost sad. There it was. I wondered if the one she loved would be at the nuptial chambers.

I shook my head slightly, wondering at the irony of all this, and climbed in, a little less delicately than I would have hoped. I cast a glance back to my brother and saw him grinning at me and waving. I smiled faintly back, though I doubt he could see it with the veil, and then she shut the curtain, a slight smile that didn't reach her eyes resting on her face.

It annoyed me that I was now, for all purposes, blind. The curtain concealed everything. Not only was it hot, but it was also stuffier in here than it had been in my cock-loft. I sighed.

It was not a smooth ride. I was being carried on the backs of men, all of whom I could most likely lift together, and they were not quite in step. It was a few minutes, but they finally made the journey to Hotohori-sama's private chambers and set me down.

The curtain opened slowly, allowing Hotohori-sama to take her time. The sunlight dazzled my eyes for a moment as I looked up at her, but then I shakily stood up, still alarmed by the firecrackers which were yet going off. My feet landed on the red carpet that had been placed out for me. I looked up at her when I was sure I was steady.

She started to walk forward into the main part of her private rooms, looking almost as if she was trying to glance back at me.

I could see everyone through my veil, could feel every stare as it penetrated my skin, digging into me, everyone watching me. I raised my eyes, trying to focus on something else, but could still feel their gazes, all the other seishi, all the harem, every other courtier, all looking at me.

She stepped forward, entering the main room. I followed rather sedately, stepping over the saddle placed in my path for luck and tranquillity. I could still sense the eyes needling me.

I came up almost immediately behind her, and then took a step back, keeping my face down. How had I ever gotten here? How could I have agreed to this? I should have said no to her, told her to follow her own heart, her dreams.

She turned around slowly to me, her hand reaching out to me a bit hesitantly. She lifted my veil, watching me closely, neither smiling nor frowning.

I didn't move, feeling her gentle touch, feeling her fingers so nearly brush my face, then looked up at her, my face finally bare. I'm sure my expression somewhat resembled hers.

Akito gave us both a fatherly smirk and led the way to the altar. He seemed to be the only one smiling in the room, looking as if he knew secrets that no one else did. As he did.

I felt completely naked. Everyone could see me now. Everyone, I'm sure, was judging me. Was I pretty enough to make an empress? Was I graceful enough? Would I be able to fulfill my nighttime duties? I could nearly hear their thoughts. And then I caught Tamahome's horrified face out of the corner of my eyes and flinched. Whatever he thought of me did not matter, but what he thought of Hotohori-sama...

She, for the most part, seemed to be completely ignoring everyone, walking silently towards the altar. She stopped as she reached the correct position and I came up beside her.

I turned to her and bowed as deeply as I could. Oh, how I loved her, and how much I was hurting her.

She bowed as well to me, not looking at me at all.

And it was done.

We were married.

I stood there, a bit stunned, as the realization sunk in. Married... forever. To the one she did not love.

Forever.

What had I done?

Akito, with the smirk still on his face, took her arm and nearly pulled her to the nuptial chambers. I felt my face flame at the thought of that and followed.

She sat on the bed, remarkably silent. I sat beside her, not too close, but not far enough away to cause any murmurs. I too was silent, leaving my eyes down.

Akito handed each of us a wedding goblet that he had procured from somewhere, tied together by a single red thread. I slowly lifted mine to my lips and took a few sips, then looked to her, my eyes solemn.

She took the goblet from him tentatively and sipped as well, meeting my eyes briefly and then tearing them away, just as quickly.

I held out my goblet to her to switch, as the custom required. She did not look at me, but kept her eyes on the cups, taking mine and giving me hers.

It hurt. She wouldn't even glance at me. I turned my face back to the front and finished the wine and honey. She loved the other that much...

Beside me, she finished her drink and stared at the cup, silent.

I'm not sure who started it, but a cheer suddenly rose through the crowd. Miaka was then barreling toward me. "Nuriko!!"

I blinked as she wrapped me in a hug. "Miaka..."

"I'm so happy for you!!" she exclaimed cheerfully. And she was. She didn't know my pain.

I could see Hotohori-sama watching us absently, not really focused on us. Was her mind on her love?

I gave her a little hug back and a shy smile, trying to cover my hurt. "Thank you..."

She graced me with another grin and then moved over to the emperor. She was noticeably more subdued. "Congratulations, Hotohori."

She smiled back. "Thank you, Miaka." I suddenly felt her eyes on me for the first time in a while, but I was not given the opportunity to dwell on it.

There were so many people crammed into this room, all milling around. There were several court ladies, fellow harem members, giving me dark looks. Men of all ages gazed at me appraisingly, most looking approving. Akito was still smirking.

I watched them all, summing up how the court would receive me, when I caught sight of Tamahome. I winced as I saw the look on his face.

I heard a voice to my right, that beloved voice, quiet, low, so that it was audible only to me. "Ne... did you see earlier? Everyone was watching you."

I turned my gaze to her, wondering where she was going with that. Of course I had felt their stares.

"You looked... look... beautiful." Her nervous gaze was alternating between me and the people.

I froze. Beautiful? "H-Hotohori-sama...?" I choked out, stunned. She had never complimented me before, and certainly never like that.

Tamahome had grabbed Tasuki and was hauling him over to the corner of the room, but I could still hear them.

"The emperor is gay too??" Tamahome hissed.

"I fucking guess so. Shit... a fag's ruling the country," Tasuki hissed back. My eyes narrowed, but I was still too shocked by the compliment to do anything about them.

She looked at me questioningly. "Hai?"

"Che... I'm never paying taxes again," Tamahome said darkly.

Tasuki laughed. "I never paid the fucking things in the first place." His grin was certainly evil as it spread across his face.

I looked away suddenly from her, seeing Miaka still bubbling everywhere, feeling something odd in my chest. "I... thank you..."

Tamahome laughed and started pulling Tasuki away.

"Oh, come on!" Tasuki protested loudly. "I wanna stare at them!! Shit, Tama, you're no fun!!"

I vaguely saw her smile at me and then it fell from her face as people came up to her.

I too had a smile on my face. Beautiful? I just nodded to the well-wishers, trying to keep my mind on their words, but everything kept coming back to that one word. Beautiful?

Beside me, Hotohori-sama seemed to be spending half the time listening to and smiling at the wedding guests and the other half watching her hands.

I continued in my dazed state to smile blankly at the crowd. It seemed like forever until Akito ushered all the people out of the room. He then took Hotohori-sama's arm and led her away from me. I watched silently, my quiet thrill deep in my heart. Beautiful? I certainly felt that way now.

A few minutes passed and Akito returned. He smiled down at me and held out an arm for me. I took it a bit shyly and he led me away to prepare me for my wedding night.
 
 
 

I was sitting on the bed, feeling amazingly uncomfortable. My hair was pulled back tightly in a bun, in the style of a man, a way my hair had not been done for eight and a half years now. I smoothed the pants of my night clothes, again uncomfortable. Male sleepwear I had not worn either. They were silk again, a pale, sky-colored blue. I felt a bit lost. Akito had taken me from the ceremony and fed me something and dressed me in this, and then had dragged me back in here and told me to wait. He had never said how long. I was trying to keep my mind focused on my hands and touching the softness of the silk, but it kept drifting back to what I was supposed to do tonight. Could I touch her like that without telling her my feelings? Did I want to? He was taking too long. Where was he?
 
 

The night air was cool, almost chilling as I stood outside the door, my arms crossed tightly across my chest, staring at the closed door to the nuptial chamber. Nuriko was in there, I knew, waiting for me to enter, but all I could do was stare at the door, feeling uncomfortable, self-conscious. Part of the problem was the clothes I was wearing. The nightgown was white, soft, silk, and very feminine. It clung to each and every slight curve that I had spent the majority of my life attempting to hide. My hair hung loose around my shoulders, the light breeze of the evening stirring it gently. When I entered that room... I was afraid almost, to be so close to the one I loved, and knowing he did not love me. I felt a hand on my arm and turned to see Akito standing behind me, an impatient smile on his face. "Usually one has to open the doors before one enters a room, heika-sama..."

I looked at him, my eyes wide. He opened the door and propelled me inside, nearly slamming it shut behind me. I panicked. I was not ready, I could not do this. Wait! I whirled around, facing the door, pushing my hand against it for a minute, but the door was already tightly closed. I slowly turned around to face Nuriko, leaning against the door. He was dressed in a pale blue color that only made him look brighter. His long flowing hair had been tied back in the typical style of a man, pulled away from his beautiful face. He looked perfect, wonderful. I watched him for a moment more before wheeling back to face the door.

"I know you're out there," I called to Akito, but was only answered by silence. "Go away," I spoke again and received no reply once more. "I can still hear you breathing!" The sound of laughter came through the door and his footsteps echoed as he walked away from the room. I sighed slightly to myself, refraining from shaking my head.
 
 

I laughed quietly, nervously, and looked away from her, not letting my eyes even stray from my hands. I was so worried. My laughter had seemed completely out of place. I remained silent.

I could hear her shift her weight. She turned back to me and I could feel her eyes on me, watching me. Her back was against the door as if I had trapped her. I felt in a way that I had.

I gave her a faint smile and looked up at her.

She was wearing a white nightgown, long and clinging to her. I sucked in my breath. Her hair was loose around her shoulders, framing her perfect face. She did indeed have the curves of a woman, perfectly formed, long-limbed, ample breasts, a small waist. All I could do was stare. It was impossible for anything to have such perfection. She was a goddess descended to earth- my wife. And I could say nothing. The light from the fireworks outside flashed joyful colors onto her through the window. Amazing... she was so beautiful... so unreal. She was more lovely than any painter could ever portray, more exquisite than she had ever looked in the robes of the emperor. It seemed such a shame to me suddenly that she had to hide herself. Yet I had loved her before I had seen her, before I had even known she was a woman. Would I ever be able to tell her how wonderful and perfect she was? I finally managed to recover my voice, but what came from my mouth was pointless, empty. "Konban wa..."
 
 

The wood of the door was cool against my back, and it was only then that I realized just how low the nightgown I wore was cut in the back. I pushed myself up closer against the door. He must have thought me foolish, ridiculous. He sat on the bed just looking at me and I watched him back, wishing the smile that only flickered weakly on his face were real, wishing I could make it so, wishing I could go to him, touch his face, his hair, wishing I could tell him how much I loved him, but knowing I could not. Sighing silently, I forced a nervous smile that was at best a bit shaky. My voice sounded tight, nearly quivering as I replied. "Konban wa..."

His voice and posture were uncomfortable, stiff, as though he were at a formal dinner on display. I bit my lip slightly. I was already making things difficult for him. "It went well, I thought..." he said, his voice quiet still as he attempted to make conversation.

I shifted about slightly on my feet and replied, only furthering the awkward small talk. "Hai... very well... still going actually, I think..." The evening breeze blew in sounds of music and laughter and every so often the echoed explosion of a flare that sent its light shining through the window.
 
 

I nodded once and went silent again, listening to the sounds of the celebration outside, unable to tear my eyes away from her. I was waiting for her to initiate something, quite unsure what to do, and very unwilling to force anything on her.

I shivered undetectably as I wondered how she felt that I would be touching her like that, and not the one she loved.

She just looked back at me silently. The sound of crickets could be heard, threaded through the sounds of joy. Well, it was good that someone was happy.

I couldn't take it any more. I'd tell her. "You really don't have to worry about anything tonight," I said hurriedly, ashamed. "I don't expect anything-" But she interrupted me.
 
 

I sighed. We were getting nowhere. I had already hurt him; nothing I could say could make things much worse. I took a deep breath and said everything at once, the words escaping like a river gone wild once I opened my mouth. "I'm sorry, Nuriko... I... I know you did this out of some sense of duty. I know I trapped you into this... I'm sorry... I... I know it won't be perfect... but... I... I'll try to make you happy... I'll try."

Of course I'd try to make him happy. I loved him, I wanted his happiness, not this solemn sadness that had settled itself into his eyes. He was saying something as well, something about tonight. I glanced at him, barely hearing his words in the rush of my own. I realized I was babbling and stopped, falling silent after finishing with another apology. "I'm sorry."

He blinked, looking at me. Perhaps he thought I had gone crazy- the way I was talking certainly made me sound like it. I watched his dark violet eyes, wondering what he was thinking.

I was calming down now that the rush of words was over. I sighed again. "Gomen..." Giving up the relative security of having my back to the door, I walked over to the bed slowly, carefully, the nightgown making a small whispered swishing sound as I moved. Sitting beside him on the bed, not close to him but not overly far, I continued watching him quietly, unsure of what to say or do next.
 
 

I gave her a slight smile. "It's all right." My gaze fell to my hands again, but then I forced myself to raise my eyes to her. My voice was serious, low. "You don't have to pretend to love me, you know." I took a deep breath. Pretense would hurt more than anything, more than any other thing in the world ever could. I would not let my heart live a lie. It was the one true thing I still had. "I know there's someone else you care for, so it's all right with me. Please don't worry about me."

She glanced at me, her face unreadable, then looked away, her voice quiet and filled with sadness. "I'm not pretending..."
 
 

He blinked and a frown came to his face, centering in his eyes, clouding them with doubt. "What... what do you mean?" Was his voice shaking? Why had I said that? I had promised myself I would not, promised I would not tell him, would not burden him with my feelings. I had hurt him enough already and I was doing it again. I knew he loved someone else. I knew, and yet... Why had I said that? Why?

I could not look at him. I had promised myself... I could not even keep that small vow. Why? "I... I'm sorry... I shouldn't have said anything..." I should not have, but I had. I watched him out of the corner of my eye, still unable to look straight at him.
 
 

I slowly rose to my feet, puzzled, unsure what she meant. A tiny flower of sudden hope burst into my chest, and also something that rather resembled fear. Not pretending? Not pretending to... love me? "Would you like to go for a walk, Hotohori-sama?" I needed air, needed to clear my head and think. It was impossible. She loved another. Not me. Not me. Wasn't it?
 
 

I glanced at him, caught off-guard, but also a bit fearful. If anyone saw me in the outfit I was now wearing... Well, there would be very little debate about what would happen. My eyes were wide, scared as I looked up at him, gesturing to my nightclothes. "I... can't like this..."

He gave me a quick smile, gentle, true. I was surprised, but so pleased to see him smile. "The celebration is still going on. No one will notice us." He held out a hand to me, waiting for me to decide.

He was right, of course. I paused a moment, thinking, weighing the consequences in my mind. Nuriko stood before me, hand still outstretched. I took it and stood up, nodding in agreement. If he wanted to go for a walk, I could not refuse. And it was getting difficult to breathe in here; it felt as though something were caught in my chest. He had heard what I said... had he not understood it?

Was he ignoring it, pretending I had not said it? I did not know... but still... he was smiling at me again. He released my hand and walked towards the door. He opened it, holding it for me. I stepped through into the cool night air, my hair and nightgown blowing a bit in the soft breeze. I shivered once despite myself, though not from the cold.
 
 

I followed after her, but soon overtook her, walking slightly ahead. I led the way to the pond, the place I had been told would have one of the best views of the fireworks, but would be empty as it was in the emperor's personal garden. I paused and glanced back once at her, silent.
 
 

I walked in silence, trying to let my thoughts calm themselves down. Nuriko walked past me and began leading, a little bit ahead of me. I followed, watching him quietly, grateful for the darkness of night that provided the mask I needed.
 

It was too quiet again. Curiosity was pounding behind my eyes, the hope throbbing in my chest. Could she have meant what I wanted her to have meant? Could it be true? I sighed softly and glanced back again, my eyes thirstily gazing at her, perfect in the moonlight. "What did you mean by that?"

She had been intently studying the ground, but she turned her eyes up to me at my question. "By what?"

I kept my voice quiet. "Not pretending."
 
 

I looked away again, letting my eyes this time come to rest on the pond. I sighed softly. It had already been said, despite my vow otherwise. My mind screamed for me to be silent, but I could not. I... I had already begun and I could not keep silent anymore. "That it wouldn't be a pretense... to love you... I... I do." My voice was quiet. I nearly cringed at my own words. Why was I doing this to him? Gomen, Nuriko... I stopped, letting that strange still silence settle over us and then whispered, "I'm sorry."
 
 

I froze, a slight shiver running through me, and turned around to face her, gazing at her in shock. She... did? She loved me? How? She loved another... It was impossible... She... she... she loved me? For the second time that night, I had to search to find my voice, and when I did, it was fragile, weak, almost overshadowed by the sounds of joy in the night. "Hotohori-sama..."
 
 

My eyes were on the lake still. I wanted to look at him, but I was afraid... scared of what I would see on his face. "I'm sorry... I know you love someone already... I..." It was useless; I had already said it. I fell into silence again.
 
 

I took a few steps toward her, trying to meet her eyes. Was it true? It wasn't pretense? "Oh, Hotohori-sama... why didn't you ever tell me? Miaka told me you knew..." It didn't make sense. She had known that I loved her... why hadn't she ever said anything earlier? I barely heard her words, but then they registered. Loved another? I never had. I had never loved but her.

She looked back at me finally, her eyes showing visible pain. "Knew... what?"

"That..." I now lowered my eyes. Had I been so insignificant then? She had been the reason that I had done everything back then, the reason I breathed and ate, my point for existence. Anything for her to have noticed me. She was why I had kissed Tamahome and had been so cruel to Miaka, things I didn't like to remember, but had done. "She told you... when she first came here... she said to me that she told you... that I loved you..."
 
 

My eyes widened. It was impossible. "You..." I stopped, completely shocked, unable to move or even speak. My mind raced. Miaka had told me... Oh, gods. It came back to me then. Miaka had said... Oh, gods... I stepped back, staring at him as the memory hit. She had told me. I had dismissed it. I could not have allowed myself to hear it then. I had always known that love was not for me.

And Nuriko... he had been a part of the harem before... I had heard that so many times from girls from the harem... but had it been true, with Nuriko? "Oh, gods..." I whispered in disbelief. He looked up at me slowly, almost warily.

I watched him back, shaking my head slowly. "I... it didn't... I... I'm sorry." It was all I could say. He had truly loved me? I had never seen it... Had the truth been so close all along?
 
 

I shook my head slightly, not wanting apologies, but only to understand. "Why? You never said anything to me..."

"I... I was supposed to love Miaka then... you were from the harem." Her eyes weren't meeting mine yet. "I had heard that from the others there so many times... I never understood that you really... I'm sorry."

It made sense. I had been a woman then, in everyone's eyes. She must have been used to daily proposals from the others in the harem. Yet... why me? Was it because I was a man? But that was impossible. It wouldn't have mattered to her. She had loved Miaka.

Was actually that... she loved me for myself?

I took another step toward her. "Please... don't be." I stopped for a second, my thoughts rushing about my head. Was it true? "You... you really love me...?"
 
 

I nodded, actually looking at him this time, my eyes meeting his. I could not have drawn them away if I tried. "Yes."

A smile broke across his face slowly, brightening gradually like the rising sun and casting its glory everywhere. Slowly, almost cautiously, he closed the space between us, stopping just before me. His voice was quiet, shy. "May I... may I hug you?"

The question caught me off-guard and I just looked at him for a moment. How was I supposed to tell him that I had wanted, for so long it seemed, to know what it felt like to have his arms around me? Unable to make the words come out correctly, I simply nodded.
 
 

I took another deep breath, steadying myself, feeling very anxious. I gently placed my arms around her, pulling her toward me, feeling completely shy. I had never touched her like this before. My head came up just above her shoulder and I felt a bit silly, but oh, her skin was so soft and her breath in my ear so sweet to me. I loved her so much.
 
 

Cautiously, carefully, I hugged him back, almost afraid he'd vanish at my touch, but he did not. Was this actually true? I could smell the sweet fresh smell of his hair. I could feel him breathing against me... It had to be true, didn't it?
 
 

I tightened my hold on her as she put her arms around my shoulders. I was smiling to myself and I rested my head on her shoulder, praying I was not going too far. My voice was tight, holding back tears and joy together, my eyes tightly shut. And finally I spoke the words. "Oh, Hotohori-sama... I love you..."
 
 

My eyes widened and I nearly pulled away, but I did not; instead my arms tightened slightly around him. He loved me... I shut my eyes and, very quietly, my voice almost mystified, I spoke the words I never thought I would say aloud. "I... love you too..."
 
 

My smile increased a bit- it was hard to smile more than I was- and remained there, feeling her warmth against me, my arms around her perfect waist, thrilled and still rather shocked, though happiness was by far the most prevalent emotion. She loved me... she loved me... it had been me about whom she had been speaking when she had told me of the one she loved. I was the reason she had not agreed to love Miaka. I was the one for whom she had given up her dream of Suzaku no Miko. She loved me that much...
 
 

It was only a moment, I'm sure, but it seemed like forever, and I would have been happy to have stayed like that forever. I was still afraid that if we let go, it would be over, some sort of mistake, a dream.
 

I pulled away slowly, my hand seeking hers, my eyes trying to meet hers. I could feel the smile on my face of pure joy, awe, love. She loved me... Me. I never thought anyone would, but I had always hoped... "Would you like to watch the fireworks? They are for us, after all."
 
 

The smile on my face would not have disappeared had I tried to vanquish it. I tightened my hand around his as I nodded in answer to his question. "Hai..." It was perfect, the way our hands fit together; it felt right... safe. The reality of the situation was still a bit beyond me. I could not yet bring myself to believe it was completely real. I gazed at him for a moment more before turning my eyes to the display of dazzling lights that adorned the night sky.
 
 

I watched her a moment, and then turned my attention to my hair, which was starting to give me a headache. Most men- for obvious reasons- did not wear their hair as long as I did. I tugged at it uncomfortably with my free hand- there was no way I would let go of hers. "Ne... do you mind if I take this out? It hurts a bit."

She glanced down at me and nodded, a look of surprise at everything on her face mixed with pleasure. She looked so happy... My heart was soaring. "Of course."

I pulled my hair down with my free hand, sliding the ribbon out of it. I shook my head so that it fell over my shoulders in a flash of purple. "I don't see how you can stand wearing your hair like that..." It hurt. Did she suffer through that every day?
 
 

"You get used to it..." I told him, laughing. His hair fell about his shoulders now in that familiar violet waterfall. Perfect. I turned my eyes back to the sky where another explosion brought with it the birth of a glittering blossom. He grinned at me and pulled me over to the rail, gazing up at the sky as well for a moment. The fireworks reflected in the infinitely deep mirrors of his eyes. Turning to me, he smiled fully and though I was not looking at him, I could feel his gaze remain on me for a long moment.

I in turn kept my eyes on the sky, afraid I would be unable to look away if I met his magical gaze. My voice when I spoke was quiet, a bit dreamlike, but then everything was dreamlike, and if it were a dream, I would be content to continue dreaming forever. "They're beautiful, aren't they?" I said as yet another series of brilliant lights blazed across the sky.
 
 

I forced myself to stifle a smile. "No..."

She looked surprised. They were, after all, the best fireworks that could be bought, celebrating the belated marriage of the emperor. She glanced down at me, raising an eyebrow. "No?"

The smile escaped. "Not compared to you..."
 
 

I was caught off-guard yet again and all I could do was look at him and blush. I was not the blushing type of person, but looking at him, his bright eyes glowing with happiness and knowing he thought I was beautiful, knowing he loved me, knowing how much I loved him, I could not stop my face from coloring slightly.

He laughed quietly, his musical laugh that danced across his lips and out into the night's darkness. "It's true."

My composure slowly returned to me and I laughed as well, slightly. A yawn escaped my lips before I could stop it and I cupped a hand to my mouth a bit too late.
 
 

It had been a long day. She was tired. I didn't want my time with her here to end, but I also didn't want to go back to the room- because that might come next. But she was tired... "We should head back."

She glanced back to the fireworks which seemed to me to be winding down. "Yes," she said quietly. Perhaps she did not want to leave either.

I gave her another light smile, wondering who I was trying to cheer up, and started heading back, not releasing her hand. For some reason, I felt that if I let her go, everything would vanish, that this would turn out to have been just an illusion.
 
 

The smile from earlier still played across my face. It was finally beginning to set in, the shock fading a shade or two duller and taking with it the disbelief, leaving behind only a soft, quiet happiness. He loved me. He actually truly loved me. We arrived at the room all too soon, our short walk over. I glanced at the door, warily. I knew what was supposed to happen in that room tonight, but I wondered if it would. I... I loved him, but were we ready to...? I sighed. What would happen would happen. Swallowing the small lump that had appeared anew in my throat, I stepped inside, Nuriko following just behind me. I walked over, my still-bare feet padding softly across the cold floor and sat on the bed, turning my gaze back to him.
 
 

If ever, it would be now. I'm sure I looked very uncomfortable suddenly. I leaned against the door, mimicking unconsciously her earlier action. I had just found out that she loved me... I couldn't ruin it now. It wasn't the right time. I bit my lip and gazed at her, my hair cascading over my shoulders. I wondered if I looked as feminine as she did and shook my head slightly.

She just watched me, silent.

My voice was quiet, trying to hide the shyness I felt. "Anou... now what?" I could feel that my face was slightly pink.
 
 

I shook my head. I did not know... I did not think. My hand came to rest on a soft puffy object, one of the many pillows that lay scattered over the bed. My fingers tightened around it and an evil thought came to my mind. As quickly as I could, I launched the pillow at him, aiming for his face and scoring.
 
 

I blinked as I received a pillow in the face. Blankly, I caught it as it fell, staring at her in shock. The emperor of my country had just thrown a pillow at me. The Suzaku seishi Hotohori, protector of Suzaku no Miko, had thrown a pillow at me. I'm sure I looked stunned, because that's all I felt.
 
 

I tried to choke back a laugh and failed. His face was so shocked, so completely unsure of what to do. Worry struck me suddenly. Would he take that wrong? My fear was quickly dispelled by Nuriko as his face contorted from an expression of complete surprise to one of mischief. He gave me a dirty look, his own hand tightening around the pillow he now held, the ammunition I had provided him with. "All right, you..." He hurled the pillow back at me. It sailed through the air quickly. I stared at it for a moment before quickly dodging, rolling across the bed and grabbing another pillow as I did.
 
 

I blinked as the pillow exploded at the impact with the wall, feathers creating an artificial white storm as they floated down. I hadn't quite meant to throw it that hard. I'd have to be more careful. I stepped over to examine the damage I had caused, getting little feathers all over my feet. My eyes widened. "I dented the wall with the pillow..."

She was gazing at the wall as well, looking as surprised as I felt. "Yes, you did..." With me distracted by that, she hurled another pillow at me.

She managed again to hit me right in the face, but this time I caught it in my hands and turned to her, smirking. I had been champion pillow fight winner at my house when I was little. I suppose my seishi powers had helped then, but she was not going to beat me. I didn't care if she was the emperor. "You won't win this..."
 
 

I laughed, grinning at him happily. "I'm ahead so far," I stated matter-of-factly, watching the expression on his face.
 
 

I had to keep careful track of my strength. Despite my desire to win, I would make sure not to hurt her. That wall was a testament to what I was capable of doing, and I would not let myself do that to her. I would rather die. Yet I aimed for her head, my smirk increasing. "Not for long!" With that, I threw the pillow.
 
 

His aim was better this time and I got hit, the pillow flopping into my face. It was not nearly as hard as the one he had just thrown; it was almost gentle, careful, but still a square hit. I quickly grabbed another pillow and ran to the other side of the room, detouring so my path went close past him. I whapped him with the pillow again as I went by and then turned to face him.
 
 

I suddenly froze, hearing a noise outside. A... cough? I glanced over to her, keeping my voice low. "Hotohori-sama?"
 
 

I glanced over to the door curiously, but then my eyes strayed back to Nuriko. He lifted another pillow from the bed and walked silently over to the door, padding softly across the floor. He glanced back at me, a delightedly evil grin on his face as he silently indicated the opening at the top of the wall near the ceiling. Catching his train of thought I nodded and smirked. Akito would get it this time. Picking up a chair as silently as I could, I placed it below the opening and carefully climbed up on it, hindered only slightly by the long nightgown I wore. I glanced out the opening to see Akito listening with his ear literally pressed up against the door. I shook my head.
 
 

Oh, this would be satisfying. Trying to hide my grin, I handed her the pillow.
 
 

As carefully as I could, I held the pillow out through the opening, aimed it, and let it fall. It hit its mark, landing straight on top of Akito's head. My most trusted advisor and friend yelped in surprise and glanced around in confusion before glancing up. He must have seen my eyes peeking over the opening because he shook his head and threw his hands up in a gesture of defeat and walked away, smiling.
 
 

Grinning, I grabbed another pillow, waiting for her to come down from the chair. She wouldn't escape this time!
 
 

Still smirking I jumped down lightly from the chair, glancing over at Nuriko, but too late to avoid the pillow.
 
 

I tossed it at her and smacked her in the stomach, smirking. "Two." I would win!

She tried to laugh and glare at the same time, more attempting the latter but mostly achieving the first. She picked up the pillow, giving me a look that said "Come get me, I dare you." I smiled at her blissfully. She was beautiful even when she was trying to smother me.

Another evil look from her at my smile caused me to start laughing. I scooped up a pillow by my feet and stalked over to her, the evil grin still on my face. She was cornered now. I took my pillow and began to whap her gently, backing her more into the corner, still being careful not to hurt her. Triumph!
 
 

He had me backed into a corner. I began swinging my pillow back and forth, most of the time not hitting anything at all. Still smiling at me, he backed away quickly and suddenly went down in between dodging my blows. He somehow landed sitting and reached out. I felt his hands on my ankles, but I could not do anything to prevent him from pulling me to the ground as well. I landed on my backside with a small thump. I looked at him, feigning shock. He was laughing even more now, small tears ready to appear in the corners of his sparkling eyes. I took the opportunity to whack him once more with the pillow, letting myself laugh as well.
 
 

Well, it wasn't quite triumph, but it would have to do. I grabbed her pillow, laughing still, and hauled it away from her by sheer strength. I smirked at her. Now who was winning?

She blinked and tried to grab for it, but I was just far enough away that, despite her greater reach, I could manage to keep it away from her. What she did succeed in accomplishing was only to lose her balance and fall over completely just beside me.

I tossed the pillow over to the bed, a little smile now on my face. I leaned down beside her, resting on one elbow, gazing at her, smiling, happy, laughing. Amazing. Beautiful. Perfect. The ruler of a country. My wife. "Feel better now, heika-sama?"
 
 

I laughed, nodding despite my sideways position. "Hai, much." And I was. The fear that had worked its way into a tight knot in my chest was gone now. I lay beside him on the floor, not moving, not wanting to.

He watched me for a moment, the smile of earlier visible only trace on his serene face. I went silent as well and looked at him quietly, a bit questioningly. What was he thinking?
 
 

I leaned over suddenly and kissed her lightly on the lips, scared, nervous, but needing to do it. I loved her so much. I pulled away after a moment, anxiously awaiting her reaction, but I left my face relatively close to hers. What would she do now? It was her call. Would she reject me or accept me?
 
 

I blinked at him surprised. He had... kissed me. I could still feel his lips against mine, so soft. I had never felt anything like it before. I wanted to feel it again. He was still leaning over me, his face not far from mine. I leaned up and kissed him, shutting my eyes, only barely realizing that I was kissing the one I loved, the one I wanted to spend forever with, the one who loved me.
 
 

I shut my eyes, kissing back. She had accepted me. She truly loved me. She truly loved me. I pulled away after a moment, a small smile on my face. "It's true...?" I whispered to her.

She opened her dark eyes and gave me a questioning look. Her eyes were amazing, deep pools of utter poetry, a moving song, a living dance. "Is what true?"

I reached out my free hand to touch her delicate face gently, touching heaven on earth. My voice, when I next spoke, did not imply a question. "You love me..." I allowed a small smile onto my face, gazing at her. "So beautiful..."
 
 

I watched him, my eyes not leaving his face. I could not look away. His lips rested in a dreamlike smile that was so content, happy. I smiled back slightly, feeling suddenly quiet, but it was a good quiet. It was the type of stillness that comes when happiness and relief go beyond words.

He reached down again, grinning, and pulled a feather from one of the badly beaten pillows out of my hair. "Ne... we should get some sleep..." He blushed suddenly and sat up, looking away hurriedly.

I sat up as well, looking at him, confused, questioning. What had caused the sudden change in his mood? Had I done something? He stood then, rising to his feet quickly, gracefully, and reached a hand down to help me up. I took his hand and stood as well, another yawn slipping out in the process. I was tired, but I did not want this to end. It was too perfect...
 
 

I smiled slightly, standing on my tip-toes to reach up and kiss her cheek gently. "Oyasumi, Hotohori-sama..." I paused a moment, watching her every movement, her athletic grace that came from her swordsmanship. "And I love you."
 
 

I smiled back, thrilled at hearing the words. I had never thought I would hear them... not from someone I loved as well. "I love you too..." I tried the words again; they felt more comfortable this time. They fit well. "Oyasumi..."
 
 

I gave her a shy smile and turned to the door, opening it and quickly shutting it behind me. I knew if I looked back I would not leave, and she needed to sleep. I broke into a run, unable to contain my joy. I wanted to sing to the world that she loved me, but I could not. With my hair down like this, someone might recognize me. My feet led me to my room and I shut the door behind me, falling onto my bed laughing, thrilled, happy. She loved me!
 
 

I watched the closed door for a long moment, just remembering. My hand strayed to touch my lips absently. He had kissed me... He loved me. I loved him. And we were married. A moment later, a smile broke across my face. I still was not quite sure I believed it... still afraid it was all a cruel mistake, but even those thoughts were fading. It was true. I blew out the small flickering candles around the room, the smoke rising in small swirls into the darkened air. I slipped into bed, pulling the covers tightly around myself, still smiling. I shut my eyes, and his words kept singing in my mind. I love you, Hotohori-sama.

I love you too, Nuriko... I love you too.
 
 
 

The birds were singing.

That was what had woken me up.

I sighed, annoyed, and started to roll over when I suddenly remembered last night. My eyes widened. I touched the light silk nightclothes I still wore. Had it been true? Had it been real? Or had everything just been a story that my mind had created to block out what had actually happened?

I sat up slowly, my hair drifting into my face. I reached up a hand and pushed it back. Was it possible? It hadn't been a dream?

I stood, wandering over to my mirror, gazing at my face. Hotohori-sama loved the person behind that face. Me. She had kissed those lips. She had touched those shoulders. I smiled at myself blissfully. She had called me beautiful.

I love you too...

It had to be true!

I reached out and grabbed my comb and started to brush my hair. It was a dream, but it was a true dream. I quickly pulled it back into my typical braid and tossed it over my shoulder. I pulled a pink nightgown out of my closet, slipped out of the light blue nightclothes, and pulled the nightgown on. I slid on a robe and tied it around me. It wouldn't do for the emperor's... I stopped. What was I? Not exactly her wife... but that's what everyone thought. I stifled a laugh. Everything was so wonderful! She loved me!

I flung open the door to my room, not bothering to shut it. The sun gleamed in the wonderfully blue sky, the scattered clouds gathering traces of white out of the solid azure. I hoped she would be up by now. She would be in the throne room if she were. I didn't dance to the room, but I did run, my bare feet making soft thudding noises as I went.

I pushed open the door quietly, sticking my head in. Disappointment blazed behind my eyes when I saw she was not there. Yet Akito, the man she trusted most in the world, was sitting as usual behind his desk.

I could feel the sleepy smile on my face. He would know all about her childhood, all her secret dreams and fears. I'd talk to him. Then maybe... maybe I could wake her if she wasn't already awake... or... maybe... I could kiss her again... I wondered vaguely if I looked as giddy as I felt.

He gave me a questioning, curious look as I entered, saying nothing yet. I could not help the slow, shy smile that came onto my lips. I wandered over to him, my feet padding softly on the cool wooden floor. "Ohayo..."

He was smirking slightly at me. "Ohayo, Nuriko-sama..." Out of the generosity of his heart, he then gave me an evil look. "You look a bit dazed... I trust you... enjoyed yourself... last night?"

I blinked, several things registering at once. Nuriko-sama? And... enjoyed myself?? What was he getting at? At first, I was unsure, but when I finally connected his expression to his words, I understood suddenly and blushed. "No! I... we didn't!!"

He sighed and shook his head, looking very disappointed. "I know."

I blinked again, my blush fading from my cheeks. "You know...?" I had been hoping the pillow had gotten rid of him.

He nodded, looking at me. "It would have been difficult for you two to have done anything, seeing as you spent the night in separate rooms." He set his brush down, laying it aside of the paper he had been writing and just looked at me, almost as if he were summing me up, appraising me.

I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling self-conscious, tightening my robe around me unknowingly. "What?" It felt awful, the way he was looking at me, as if he had no qualms about selling me on the slave market if I didn't measure up to expectations. I was supposed to deal with this man now on a regular basis?

His typical smirk returned. Did he delight in seeing me so uncomfortable? "Iie... nothing." I watched him silently. I felt somehow that I had done something to offend him and was unsure what or how to fix it. Did he really dislike me so much? But then his voice dropped its icy tone and his smirk faded slightly. "You'll excuse my manners." He stood and dropped me a bow. "I should have greeted you more politely. After all, you are the empress now." He let another smirk slip out.

Didn't he realize that every jibe like that at me was a slash to Hotohori-sama as well? But I was surprised at the sudden gentility. "No, no! It's all right, honestly! You don't have to do that!" I wasn't sure I wanted him to. I felt in no way superior to him. I felt a bit upset and thought it must have showed. "Please. After all, it's thanks to you..." I stopped my words and raised my eyes to him, my voice low and serious.

He shook his head, for once looking serious as well. "Iie, Nuriko-sama." He then actually smiled at me. "I did nothing that deserves any thanks."

I met his eyes finally, my voice firm and serious. "Yes, you did. So thank you." I turned my eyes up to the small dais where two thrones now rested. "And I'm not the empress yet... if she even wants me to be." I flashed him a quick smile. Even if she loved me, it didn't necessarily mean that I would be empress. After all, I needed to know how much she loved me. What if I were just a fleeting fancy? I couldn't bear that. She was the emperor. Most emperors had far more than one lover. My face fell slightly as I gazed at the throne. My heart wouldn't change, I knew. Not ever.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw him smile. When he spoke, his tone was gentle and quiet, the kindest he had ever spoken to me before. "I'm sure she will."

I gave him another small smile, a little shyly. "It's up to her..." My eyes strayed to the throne again. I had never desired this. In fact, I would rather have not had to deal with this aspect. But she was worth it. She was worth anything I ever had to suffer. "What would my duties be?"

He shrugged. "Whatever heika-sama delegates as your duty... but as a base, giving counsel when needed, greeting foreign ambassadors with her..." The look he gave me was more meaningful than his words could be. "Providing an heir... or at least helping..."

I paled suddenly, lowering my eyes, my voice very quiet. "Of course." He would expect that soon. I knew I wasn't ready. I knew I couldn't touch her like that yet and still have respect for myself.

He laughed. "You're quite a pair, you know that? You and Sai-chan... I mean heika-sama."

I raised my eyes to him slowly, a small smile lighting on my face. "Really?" I coughed suddenly. I was acting childish. "I mean, um, thank you." No, that wasn't right either. I gave up making sense or acting mature and changed the topic to her. "You call her Sai-chan?"

He nodded, a little smirk once again on his face. "She hates it... or at least pretends to." His voice turned reminiscent. "But I've called her that since before she was old enough to protest... so it's ingrained."

I smiled slowly and shyly. I was so happy. She loved me. "Sai-chan," I repeated to myself, a whisper. I shut my eyes a moment, suddenly overwhelmed by all of this and so happy. She loved me. She loved me. I wanted to hold her more than anything at that moment, but was too shy to ask him if I could go wake her. I simply opened my eyes and gave him a pleading look.

He seemed to understand. He gave me a little smile, but carried a sadness in his eyes deeper than most that I had ever seen. He stood. "I'll go get her then, Nuriko-sama."

I gave him a grateful smile, but was suddenly a bit anxious. How would she react to me after last night? I tugged my braid around in front of me and watched him leave for her room. "Sai-chan," I whispered again. Sai-chan...
 
 

"Sai-chan..."

I awoke to a voice hissing in my ear, startled out of a peaceful dream. Sitting up bolt upright, I clutched the blankets in front of me, unconsciously holding them over my chest. The figure standing beside my bed laughed. "Good morning, Sai-chan. Did you sleep well?" He paused for a moment and his laughter stopped abruptly. "Alone."

I smiled at him, still in far too good a mood to notice his biting comments. Last night kept playing through my mind. He loved me. "I slept very well, thank you."

Akito glanced around at the state of the room, feathers still laying everywhere and scattered about the floor like snow. Stray pillows were bunched up in the corners where they had been thrown the night before. "Now... I'm not going to ask how this happened, because I don't want to know. I know it didn't happen while you were doing that because Nuriko-san spent the night in his own room and certain things typically require two people." He stopped, catching his breath and shaking his head.

I could not help laughing. He sighed, but the stern look on his face faded into a smile. "It's nice to see you happy. I was worried about you, Sai-chan... you looked so sad. It's good to hear you laugh again."

"He loves me, Akito. He really loves me." I had to say it aloud, but it came out as almost a whisper. It was still so amazing, almost difficult to believe.

He nodded, still smiling at me. I slipped my legs over the side of the bed and stood up, the floor cold against my bare feet. The long white nightgown was still more or less unwrinkled despite the night of sleep. Glancing at Akito, I raised an eyebrow at the look on his face. He was staring at me, his eyes slightly clouded and distant.

"Akito...?"

He shook his head, regaining himself quickly. "Gomen, Sai-chan... you... the way you were standing, your expression... you looked so much like your mother." He laughed and began towards the door, but before he reached it, he turned around. "You might want to consider getting dressed and coming to the throne room. Your husband is waiting there, most likely smiling and staring into space like an idiot." He smiled devilishly. "Goodness... what did you do to him last night?" My eyes widened and I opened my mouth to tell him nothing, but he was already half-way out the room. "I'll meet you in the throne room, heika-sama." He bowed his head and shut the door behind him.

Walking to the closet, I removed the silk nightgown, hanging it carefully inside, running my fingers once over the soft silk. Still smiling, I pulled out a more or less casual robe, less elaborate than the formal clothes of an emperor; they were the clothes I wore when traveling or practicing my swordsmanship. The pants were a dark red color and the robe a dusty red with a white shirt beneath it. I pulled the robe around me, fastening a sash-like belt a bit below my waste. My hair was still wild; I ran a brush through it quickly, just a cursory detanglement. Nuriko was waiting for me. I smiled again. It had not been a dream- he was there.

Stepping into a pair of comfortable shoes, I walked outside, my feet quickly covering the distance to the throne room where the man I loved waited. The sun was shining brightly and the songs of birds had replaced the chorus of crickets that had sung so sweetly the night before. I stopped before the door to the throne room, pulling it open carefully, soundlessly, and stepped into the room silently, that quiet happiness still firmly gripping my heart.
 
 

I love you too... My mind kept drifting back to those words. I was gazing down at the ground kind of spacily, my mind dancing over everything, feeling the most blissful I had since my sister had died. Apparently I was also rather oblivious, because I did not notice that Akito had returned to the room.

He cleared his throat. "She's on her way," broke his voice through my musings.

I blinked and looked up on him, bestowing a sudden sunny smile upon him. I said nothing, content to be silent, happy in my thoughts.

He gave me a genuine smile back. "Ne, arigatou, Nuriko-sama."

That, needless to say, caught me completely off-guard, both the use of "sama" after my name again and the sincere thanks. "Akito-san...?"

He was still smiling. "I haven't seen Sai-chan so happy since her mother was alive... It's nice to see her like that... thank you." He looked as if he had caught himself being congenial, so brusquely sat down at his desk, glancing at the papers that rested there waiting for him.

I let a slow smile slip onto my lips and walked quietly over to his desk, watching him. My voice was quiet. "She... really loves me?" I did not wait for him to answer, letting my smile increase slightly. "She's a dream... a perfect dream... and I have to thank you, not the other way around." He had raised her, taught her, loved her, shown her the way to be herself. I owed him everything.

He glanced up at me, answering my first question. "Hai... she truly loves you..." He smiled again despite himself. "And if you somehow think I played some role in this, then I'm very happy to have helped."

Played some role? No. He had been the director. I slowly lowered myself to the floor beside the desk, letting the pink of the cloth settle around me. I looked up at him, feeling as I had when my father had told me stories late at night, young, innocent. "Ne... tell me about her? Like when she was small?"

He laughed. "She was a lot like she is now... only shorter. Saihitei was always the little child up a tree or splashing in puddles despite her mother's and my best efforts... but even then when she'd be being scolded she'd straighten herself up, give you this look, and make you feel as though you were the one in the wrong. But she was always somewhat of a loner..." He chuckled again. "Ne, listen to me. I'm getting reminiscent... gomen."

I felt my smile grow wistful. How wonderful she must have been. "I wish I could have known her then..." Maybe we could have played together. Kourin would have loved to drag her into the fields to pick flowers. And I... maybe I could have told her my feelings myself.

He smirked. "You two would have been far too much trouble for anyone to control; you're both self-willed... it would have been quite cute."

I blinked again, a little surprised. "Self-willed? What do you mean?" I had been trained as a court princess. Of course, the docility and gentleness I had learned were rarely put to use, but still...

He shook his head, laughing to himself. "Never mind."

I was curious as to what he had meant, but at that moment, my eyes caught sight of a long shadow. I turned my face up to her, my eyes widening slightly. She was real. Real. I glowed a smile at her, wondering how anything so perfect could exist. I remained silent, content to just look at her.

She smiled back at me, just watching me a moment. "Ohayo, Nuriko."

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Akito smirking at us. I suppose we did look rather silly, but I didn't care at all. She loved me and I loved her. That was all that mattered.

"Ohayo, Hotohori-sama," I replied blissfully. It was the first time I was able to show my love for her openly. I would not waste what time I had by staying with propriety.

She stepped over to where I was sitting on the floor and offered me a hand to help me up. "Did I interrupt your conversation?"

I allowed myself a moment more to glow at her before giving her my hand, shaking my head slightly. My eyes did not leave her once.

She took my hand and pulled me gently to my feet. Akito was shaking his head in amusement at us.

I gazes at her a second more and then lifted the hand I still held in my own to my lips, kissing it lightly. "Did you sleep well then, Hotohori-sama?"

She nodded at me, hers eyes not leaving mine, managing to turn her hand slightly so that it brushed my cheek briefly, lightly, like a summer breeze. "Hai... did you?"

"I've been meaning to talk to the two of you about that..." Akito tried to interrupt, but it didn't quite work.

"Perfectly..." I replied, tightening my hand around hers slightly. She was my center of attention, the one who had captured my heart.

Akito did not seem to appreciate being ignored, even if I did not mean to do so. "May I ask the two of you a question?"

I glanced down at him, startled out of my reverie. He was still sitting at the desk, looking slightly annoyed.

She seemed to know something more than I did, perhaps from his tone, but she nodded to him, her eyes moving away from me.

"Now... this is of course a vague question, but..." He gave us both a dark look. "How many married couples do you know that spend their wedding night in separate rooms?"

I felt my eyes widen slightly and lowered them, going silent. I knew I paled. I couldn't do that to her yet!

Beside me, she sighed. "There's a first time for everything, Akito. How many married couples do you know that only find out they love each other after they're married?"

He smirked, but he gave her a little wink. "Hmph."

At her words I looked up to her, the small smile creeping back onto my face. Last night, everything I had ever dreamed for had come true. "Hotohori-sama..."

She smiled back at me, lowering her eyes to me, completely ignoring Akito again.

"You see what I mean now by strong-willed..." he muttered, but I could see he was trying hide a smile.

I suddenly hugged her tightly, silent, needing to reassure myself that she was real. And she must have been, for she hugged me back, arms wrapped around me tightly. And then she spoke again the three most longed-for words that I had ever wanted from her. "I love you." Was she reassuring herself as much as I was?

Akito shook his head, smiling, and stood, heading for the door, leaving us alone for the moment.

I pulled away, glancing at his retreating figure, then up to her helplessly. I was not willing to call him back, but I felt guilty that he had seen the need to leave.

She shook her head, a little smile playing at the corner of her mouth. "He'll be back. He always is... whether you want him to or not."

"I heard that!" shouted Akito from outside the door.

I stifled a laugh and smiled up at her, completely confident, happy, peaceful. My voice was quiet. "I love you too... but are you real?"

She laughed, nodding. "Of course I'm real." She paused a moment, and when she spoke next, her voice was soft. "Are you?"

I reached my left hand up to her, touching her cheek gently, seeing if she would allow me to do so, testing her reactions. "I think so... I'm not sure after last night..."

She laughed again and just smiled at me. Her eyes were so peaceful, so gentle, kind, sweet. But then a thought hit me.

I think my face must have looked a bit troubled, because she looked concerned. "Ne..."

Her voice was questioning, curious. "What?"

I still had my hand on her cheek, my thumb lightly tracing her jawline. "We'll know, won't we?"

Her voice was quiet. "Know what?"

I lowered my hand and my eyes. "When... I mean..." I paused, taking a deep breath. How should I say this? "Well... you know..." I started again lamely. "I don't want to hurt you... and I won't say I'm not nervous..."

She smiled and reached down to tilt my chin up so that I looked at her. "We'll know," she reassured me, and then she leaned down and kissed me gently. I was surprised, but not complaining. "I won't say I'm not nervous either." She gave me a slight smile.

I looked up at her, still a little happily stunned by the kiss, my smile back on my face. "Hotohori-sama..."

She smiled again, but tilted her head to the side, looking at me for a moment. "Ne... we are married now... you should probably drop the 'sama.'"

I blinked, shocked at the idea. For some reason, it had never occurred to me. "But... you're the emperor..."

"Hai," she said quietly, "and you're my... empress... ne?"

I stared at her. "I..." I couldn't think of a logical argument at that point. All I could do was look at her, stunned. The emperor? Calling her by just her first name?

She just watched me, waiting for me to say something.

I looked down. "I'm just the son of a tailor, Hotohori-sama." I didn't know why she loved me. I wasn't rich, wasn't extraordinarily smart, wasn't nearly as beautiful as she was. What did she see in me?

"You're a Suzaku shichiseishi, you're married to the emperor, and you're the most beautiful, amazing, wonderful person I have ever known. You are not 'just' anything," she said firmly. Her lips curved ever so slightly as she added, "Nuriko-sama."

I looked up, my eyes wide, gazing at her, then suddenly away. "Hotohori-sama, I..."

"What?" she asked quietly.

I stopped, quite unable to put my feelings into words, and looked up at her helplessly.

Her voice was still quiet. "I'm sorry."

I blinked, again surprised. "Sorry...? What? Why?"

"For making you uncomfortable... I did not want to do that..." She was not meeting my eyes.

I shook my head quickly. "Iie, I'm fine." I gave her a little smile. "Because I love you..." My expression changed into a somewhat wicked smirk. "And I saw you in a nightgown last night."

She gave me a startled look. "H-hai."

I suddenly went serious. "I wanted so much to tell you how beautiful you looked... I've never seen anyone that... that..." I shook my head slightly, searching for the word. "That perfect."

A very feminine blush suddenly graced her cheeks. "A-arigatou... I... I'm not used to actually looking... like a woman..." She smiled a bit sheepishly as her coloring returned to the familiar shade.

For some reason, this struck me as amazingly funny. I started to laugh.

She raised an eyebrow in silent question, looking slightly puzzled.

After a moment, I managed to kill my laughter. "Just... both of us... it's so ironic..." I gave her a shy smile. "But you certainly are the most beautiful man or woman that I've ever seen..." I turned my voice gentle. "And the only one I've ever loved..." I reached up and touched her cheek again, my voice shy. "Sai'ai..."

She smiled at the irony as well, gazing at me happily. Her voice was quiet, almost awed. "Sai'ai... most beloved..."

A few days passed much like this. I was crowned that morning officially by Akito as empress. I felt a little odd at this. We did not see much of the other seishi, but the reactions that they gave me were what I expected. Most of them were horrified that the emperor had married a man. They still did not know her secret. Miaka was so happy for us though. For that I was glad.

I was in my room a few nights later. We were preparing to leave for Hokkan as soon as all of the festivities for the wedding were complete. I was brushing my long hair at the mirror, studying myself silently. I was wearing soft green sleeping clothes, two separate pieces, much more masculine than I was used to wearing.

"Anou, Nuriko-sama..." Akito was standing at my door.

I glanced over. "Akito-san?"

"May I come in?" he asked me.

I nodded, a little surprised. "Of course!"

He opened the door and stepped in, smiling. "Konban wa. Sorry to disturb you, but heika-sama wishes to see you..."

I smiled back, delighted. "That's not a disturbance at all. Where is she?"

"In her chamber at the moment..." he replied. "I'll take you there..." His smile was odd, very unlike either his usual smirk or the fatherly smile he had given me the day after our wedding.

I tilted my head slightly, watching him, but I set my brush down on the dresser, leaving my hair loose. "All right."

He stepped and turned back, waiting for me. I followed, not bothering to take a robe. She wouldn't keep me long. It was getting late.

He stopped just outside of Hotohori-sama's door. "Here we are... after you, Nuriko-sama."

That still threw me off, but I gave him a little grin. "Arigatou, Akito-san." I stepped in, smiling as my eyes caught sight of her. She looked a little surprised to see me. "Konban wa, Hotohori-sama!" I stopped. "Iie... Hotohori." I still felt so shy saying that.

She smiled a bit at me, still looking puzzled. I wondered why, but then suddenly heard a door slam shut behind me. A lock clicked none-too-quietly into place.

"There," came Akito's muffled voice from the other side of the door.

I turned suddenly, pushing on it. I couldn't open the door without damaging anything. I turned back around, looking at her with shock in my eyes. This scene felt slightly familiar.

She looked rather surprised as well. She rose and walked over to me. "What's going on?"

I understood all at once and looked up at her. "I think Akito-san has decided for us that we are ready..."

She glanced down at me and then back to the door. "Akito?"

His voice was muffled by the closed door. "I've given you your adjustment period... whatever you do or don't do tonight is up to you, but you're spending the night in the same room for once."

I looked up at her again, more than slightly worried, wondering what her reaction to this would be.

I found her looking back at me, doing her best not to look nervous as well. "Ne... sorry about this..." She gave me a weak smile.

I smiled faintly back, forcing my voice to be steady. "You're sorry that I have to spend a night in the same room as the most beautiful girl in the world?" I kept my voice gentle, and I spoke truly, honestly. "I'm not."

She gave me a quick, uneasy smile, looking unsure what to do or say, and went to sit on the bed.

I stayed warily by the door. "Well..." I stopped, finding nothing to say, a little more than slightly uncomfortable.

"Well..." she repeated. Her gaze drifted to a pillow and then back to me. She laughed softly, suddenly.

I gave her a slow smile and walked over to her, sitting beside her on the bed. I slipped an arm gently around her waist. I didn't fear touching her now. She was real; she was not a phantom dream. "That was an odd day, wasn't it?"

She nodded, laughter still on her lips. "Hai... odd to say the least."

I grinned. "Not that I'm complaining..." After a moment, I sighed. "I can't believe he locked us in here."

"Oh... I can believe it," she said, sighing as well. "But... it's not a big deal, right?"

I tightened my arm slightly around her, not answering that question. "Maybe he's right..."

She glanced over at me questioningly. "Hmm?"

I felt completely ashamed of myself. "Well... that was the reason in the first place, wasn't it?" I looked up at her, slightly anxious. "I mean... well, you know what I mean." I lowered my eyes. I felt awful. "The reason we got married..."

Her voice was quiet and she was not looking at me. "Hai... it was..."

I suddenly blushed and pulled my arm away from her, putting my hands in my lap and watched them, not allowing my gaze to waver. "I don't love you for that, you know."

She smiled slightly. "Hai, I know... it is not my reason for loving you either..."

"I know," I said quietly, raising my eyes to her. "But I love you. I'll try my best to make you happy. I'll do anything for that. But... I belong to the country as much as you do now..." I looked away, leaving it unfinished. It was our job to provide an heir to carry on the welfare of the country.

Her smile flickered, but it remained. "Hai..." She was still watching me. "I love you... and I want to know what it's like to love you like that too..." Her voice was still quiet. "But not before you're ready."

She... wanted me? Like that? It took a minute for me to understand. I watched her a moment, my eyes seeking, serious. My voice was soft. "Kiss me."

She leaned over and kissed me gently, closing her eyes. I kissed back gently as well, but a bit more needingly. I pulled away after a minute, my eyes still serious. I was worried about her. "I'm ready." I think I always had been. She was the woman I would spend my life with, my wife, and she deserved anything I could give her- if she wanted it. "Are you?"

She nodded and slowly opened her eyes, looking at me, a slight smile touching the edges of her mouth. She was nervous. "Yes."

I could see it. She was worried. I reached out a hand and cupped her cheek gently. "If you don't want to..."

She shook her head, interrupting me. "I do."

I smiled slowly, shyly, and leaned up and kissed her again, a bit more seekingly. I murmured her name softly, Saihitei, gently, lovingly. She was kissing me back, very nervous at first, but after a moment she relaxed visibly, her fear replaced by other emotions.

"I love you... I love you..." I whispered softly, feathering kisses down her jaw. My hands strayed to her waist, holding her, feeling the gentleness of her curves.

Slowly, almost cautiously, she trailed her hands lightly over my shoulders and neck and tangled them in my loose hair.

I pulled her tightly to me, feeling the gentle sensation of her fingers. I needed reassurance. Despite my bravado, I was still nervous. I had no doubts about giving myself to her. Of that I was completely certain. What I doubted was my own ability in this area. What if I did something wrong? My voice was soft, a whisper. "My wife."

Her voice was a whisper like mine. "I love you..."

I laughed quietly, pulling away only slightly so I could see her face. I took her chin gently in my hand. "I know... otherwise you wouldn't put up with me." Before she could say anything, I kissed her again, deeply.

She didn't respond for a moment, surprised, but then kissed me back just as deeply, letting me know everything she felt, all of her nervousness gone.

I shut my eyes, slowly lowering her back onto the bed, making sure to be as gentle as I could with her, trying not to end the kiss. She rested back onto the pillows, gently breaking away a bit breathlessly, reaching her head up to shyly touch her lips to my neck.

I kept my eyes shut, moving slightly so that she could do so with more ease, no longer worried myself. I would just enjoy everything about her, making her feel good, making her happy, giving her everything I could. I reached down a hand and touched her bare leg gently, then looked up at her, not wanting her to stop, but I had to make sure I wasn't pushing her too far. "Is this all right?" I asked quietly.

She nodded, opening her dark eyes to look at me. "Hai..."

I then suddenly sat up, pulling away from her, a little smirk on my face. I slid my nightshirt over my head, leaving the bottom half on me. I grinned at her triumphantly. If she had ever doubted that I was a man, that would be dispelled tonight. Starting with this. "Proof."

She looked up at me from her reclined position, laughing quietly. "Hai..."

I set myself beside her, leaning on one elbow, then took her hand in mine. I gazed at her, a naughty idea popping into my mind. "Hmm..."

She was still smiling, albeit curiously. "Hmm?"

My grin was evil. "Well... it's only fair... I took off my shirt..." I left it hanging, waiting for her to accept or refuse my dare.

She laughed and leaned over, kissing me quickly. "Only fair, hmm?" Her slender hand slipped out and tentatively touched the flat plane of my chest. She was so gentle and her hand was cool. My own hand was busy playing with a long strand of her hair on the pillow, yet I gazed only at her. Would she take my challenge?

Moving a bit so that I was more comfortable, I grinned darkly. "Aa."

"Oh, but it isn't... this is all I'm wearing... now where's the fun in that...?" She was laughing. I was so glad. A week ago I would have never thought I could laugh with her about things like this.

I inched over closer to her, moving my face right beside her, the little grin still on it. "I'm sure we'll manage to... enjoy ourselves..."

She smiled back. "Hai... perhaps..."

I moved my head slightly, kissing her gently, teasingly. "Perhaps?"

"All right," she acquiesced. "Definitely." She readjusted her position so she could kiss me deeply, fully.

She pulled away after a moment, a little smirk on her beautiful lips. "I suppose it is only fair then, ne?" she asked me sweetly.

I blinked, a bit shocked. "Hotohori-sama?" I was too used to calling her that. I often slipped back into it, though she preferred Hotohori or even Saihitei.

She gave me a slight smile and began unfastening her nightgown from the top down. There wasn't much else that I could do but stare. She had called my bluff. Was this really going to happen? And I was silent, shocked.

Still smiling at me, she stopped. "Nuriko?" she asked questioningly.

"H-hai?" I said and winced. I sounded breathless.

Her smile grew deeper. "Are you all right...? You've gone pale..." I could tell that it was Akito who had raised her. With the smirk still on her lips, she continued unfastening the nightgown. In one fluid motion, she slid out of the nightgown and looked up at me.

This was the first time I had ever seen my wife naked, and I was stunned. Goddesses should not dwell on earth. I moved closer to her, resting a hand lightly on her bare waist, moving my body against hers, kissing her, touching her, loving her, murmuring her name into her lips.

That night was too short.
 
 

The moon was past its highest point, but it still cast its eerie ethereal light into the room, making the shadows dance in strange mystical patterns across the walls. Nuriko lay close beside me and I could feel him against me, warm, reassuring. His chest rose and fell softly as he breathed; I could almost hear his heart beating. It was late and I had lain awake for a while, unwilling to move from where I was: next to him, lying so close to him, safe.

I had never thought anyone would touch me like that; I had already reconciled myself to the fact that love of that sort was not for me. And then Nuriko... and last night. His eyes were shut and a small smile graced his features. Reaching a hand up carefully, gently, so as not to wake him from his slumber, I brushed back a piece of his hair from his peaceful, beautiful face and smiled despite myself. It had been frightening, knowing what we were going to do, but not knowing what it would be like. I had been scared, but the fear did not last- it could not have. I loved him too much, and the way he had touched me, so soft, gentle... Shivering slightly, perhaps from a chill in the night air or perhaps something else, I inched closer to him, seeking warmth.

Tracing my hand absently across his still-bare chest I sighed softly, happily. It was all so confusing, everything at once, but I would not change anything about it. My nightshirt lay in a small heap on the floor where it had been discarded and forgotten.

Akito. I did not even want to hear what he would say about all this. Still looking at Nuriko, a small thought of worry crossed my mind, wondering what the morning would bring when it opened his eyes. I loved him so much... I hoped he would not think it a mistake. I don't know what I would do if he did...

Shutting my eyes tightly, I pushed those thoughts away from my mind and just listened to him breathe, to the faint sound of his heartbeat, and to the soft sounds of the first birds of morning and fell asleep.
 
 

I woke to the sound of her breathing softly in my ear.

My hands were tangled in her long dark hair, her mouth close to my ear, her arm across my chest. She was warm against my body, sound asleep. Slowly, I pulled myself away from her. The morning light was trying to shine through the closed windows. I stifled a smile as I wondered if I had worn her out last night.

Standing naked on the cool floor, I knelt beside the bed, gazing at her. Beautiful. So beautiful. I tugged the covers over her, hiding the traces of her femininity. It would not do to have someone walk in on her like that.

I stood again and moved to her closet, selecting a robe from it and slipping it on. It was, of course, too large. She was taller than me. But it would do.

I turned back to her, making sure the blankets would not fall off her, brushing a hair from her face gently. I leaned down and lightly kissed her forehead. Careful where I was stepping amidst the abandoned clothing, I moved silently over to the door, now unlocked, surprisingly, and exited, closing it tightly behind me.

My arms were wrapped around myself, holding the robe tightly to me. My hair lay in scattered waves around my shoulders. I was almost to my room when I saw him.

I slowed and walked up to him, giving him a shy smile. Would he be able to tell that something was different? "Ohayo, Akito-san."

He was smirking as usual. "Ohayo, Nuriko-sama."

"Give me the key," I said firmly.

He simply blinked. "Key, Nuriko-sama?"

I held out my hand to him expectantly, silent.

He laughed and dropped it into my hand. "As though I could not have the locks changed..."

I gave him a sweet smile. "I'm the empress now." I could order anyone to not follow his commands and he knew it. Not that I ever would, but it might prove to be a useful bargaining chip.

He nodded, unable to refute that. "So you are."

I stuck the key in the pocket of the robe, noting then that I had dragged the bottom of it along the floor all the way here. I suddenly looked up at Akito, biting my lip, slightly worried. I stayed silent.

He was perceptive. "Is something wrong, Nuriko-sama?"

Could I ask him? No choice but to try. My voice was quiet, anxious. "What do you think of me?"

"Think of you, Nuriko-sama? Think of you in what way?" It seemed I had caught him a bit off-guard. That was a first.

I sighed quietly. "She's your daughter in all but blood... which makes you, in a way, my father-in-law..." I lowered my eyes. "I just want to know what you think of me."

He actually gave me a real smile, genuine and gentle. "Oftentimes, I don't know what to think of you... you're very strong-willed, stubborn at times; I've seen it. But she loves you so much... and I think I can see why. You're caring, gentle to her. You're also a very intelligent person- I can tell by talking to you." Were those compliments? They seemed to be. But was it only because she loved me? Was he telling me the truth?

I didn't smile back, not yet, my eyes still reflecting my worry. "But... you don't think anything of the fact..." I dropped my voice to just above a whisper, a hand tugging at the robe I wore uncomfortably. "Well, that I cross-dress?" I looked away. "I just never know what you think of me. But she loves you so much and I want you to like me." I raised my eyes to him finally, anxiously.

He paused a moment. "As strange as it sounds... that thought never entered my mind... that is, since I first found out. I don't judge you for that, though. You've given me enough reasons to take you for more than you may appear." He sighed quietly. "Don't ever repeat this- I do have a reputation to keep up- but I do like you. You have a mind of your own... and besides, despite how well you two match, I would not have even suggested you as a spouse if I hadn't seen that... or if I hadn't seen the love the two of you were hiding from each other."

A slow smile suddenly broke across my face, my voice soft, a whisper. "Hontou ni, Akito-san...?" That meant so much to me, more than he would ever realize. I then stopped. Something had just clicked. "Wait... you knew??"

He nodded in answer to both questions. "Yes."

I gave him a dark glare. "You knew??"

He took a step back. "H-hai..."

I crossed both my arms over my chest. If they were there, I couldn't kill him. "Why didn't you say anything?? Didn't you know how upset we both were??"

"Yes... I did. I knew exactly how upset you were. Now let me ask you this... would you have believed me if I told you, 'oh, by the way, the emperor really loves you; she's just too afraid to tell you'?" His tone was forceful, but not harsh.

I flinched anyway, looking away, silent.

"I am sorry that you had to go through that," he said quietly, "but I truly believed you would be better off if I did not tell you. Gomen."

I shook my head slowly, looking back up at him. "No... you were right." I gave him a slight smile, weak, wondering if all that time I had suffered had been for good or not. How long had she loved me? How long had we both cried ourselves to sleep at night for the other, not knowing how to dry the other's tears?

"Still, I am sorry." He looked back at me a moment, appraisingly again, but in a different way this time.

I blinked. "You're doing it again..."

"Doing what again, Nuriko-sama?" he asked innocently.

"Looking at me like that..." I could hear the suspicion in my own voice. "I'm not sure whether you're trying to decide how much I would go for in the slave market or whether you're debating if I should wear this color or not." I shifted my weight slightly, uncomfortably.

He laughed. "Well, if I were going to sell you it would not be in that color..." He went serious suddenly. "Iie... just... I want to understand you. You confuse me, and I don't like being confused... at all." He looked annoyed for a moment, but then seemed to change his mind, shrugged, and smiled at me again.

I gave him a little smile. "These are her clothes anyway..." I stopped, realizing something. "Ne... if you go to wake her up... be careful." I allowed a mirroring smirk to slip onto my lips.

He raised an eyebrow. "Why careful?"

I grinned at him and pushed past him into my room. "I'm not completely useless, you know!" Laughing to myself, I shut the door to my room, memories of her drifting into my mind. Feeling as beautiful as she had said I was, I tossed off the robe, pulled on my best dress, tied up my hair in the most elaborate way I could manage, and stepped out of the room joyfully.
 
 

Go to the next part.

Return to Tokyo Tower.