I suppose I had not been expecting to see her so soon. I was so worried about her, but somewhere in the back of my mind, a voice whispered that she wasn't real, that she was just a dream. Just a dream, a left-over fancy from childhood... a wish for someone... an ethereal memory of a fleeting vision. I had dreamed of having her back again, safe, of hearing her light footsteps in the halls or her happy, free laugh breaking through the stillness. As much as I had hoped for it, as long as I had been waiting- but was it truly that long?- I wasn't quite prepared to see her step through the door or hear her cheerful greeting.

"Hotohori, I'm home!" she chirped, smiling as always. I could scarcely believe my eyes. She was back. Home. Safe.

I pushed myself off the throne and nearly ran to her, wrapping her in a tight hug. I held her closely for a moment, convincing myself that she was real, that this time it wasn't a dream. "Miaka..." I spoke her name and glanced up, looking about at the others, noticing them for the first time. Tamahome was glaring at me dangerously, unrestrained jealousy glittering in his dark eyes. I glared straight back at him, angry that he had been the one to save her, instead of me. Tension gave the entire atmosphere a dangerous feeling. I did not know what would have happened from there, because the hostile air was suddenly softened by the appearance of a well-timed violet ray of light. Nuriko rushed into the room and Miaka fled my arms. They chirped at each other a greeting whose words and meaning were lost to me. The two of them hurried quickly from the room, heads bent together in girlish chatter. I watched them for a moment before turning my eyes back to Tamahome, but he also had vanished, leaving while my eyes were turned, like a cold shadow fading in a sudden light.

Moments passed as I stood silently, watching nothing save the empty air in front of me. I couldn't stay there any longer. I needed to get out, go walking... somewhere. I stepped outside my door and let myself wander. Perhaps the wind pushed me, or maybe some portion of my mind of which I was unaware compelled me, but I wound up just outside Miaka's room. Voices drifted from inside, coloring the cool night with emotions and words. They were arguing, Tamahome and Miaka. His voice rose, perhaps in anger, and fell again in despair. Miaka's voice was strangely level as though the words were forced out with no emotion.
 
She couldn't love him anymore. My eyes widened at this. He wouldn't take that. I had not expected him to. I listened for a moment longer, pictures of what was going on inside the room flashing through my mind. Stepping around the corner, I opened the door silently. I saw him, pushing her backwards on the bed, hands on her shoulders. My hand strayed to my sword and drew it, the cold metal sliding soundlessly from the sheath. In a blur of motion that I could scarcely follow myself, I had Tamahome separated from Miaka, as well as from myself by a length of sharp metal. He stared back at me, our eyes meeting, both flashing in stubborn defiance. Miaka gasped and started towards Tamahome, calling out in worry. Tamahome held out an arm, stopping her, his eyes never leaving mine. The stare-off continued, Miaka watching, her own eyes wide with apprehension.

"If you have something to say, Tamahome, I will listen. But I'll accept no excuses," I said simply, holding my blade steady.

"I'll give no excuses," he said, the tone of his voice matching my own. "But let me say this. I love Miaka. And I will not give her up to anyone for anything. Ever."

A half-smile flickered across my face for the briefest instant. "You have guts," I began quietly, "to challenge the ruler of a country."

He smiled back, that quiet secret smile I've seen on his face, on Miaka's, when they look at each other. His eyes strayed to her. I lowered my sword, still watching him. "I could not kill you in any case. You are one of the seven Suzaku seishi. But if you ever become just a man, then so will I." I managed the last part without a qualm. It's amazing how easy lies become after you've lived them for a while.

Oftentimes, they're easier than truth.

Miaka's eyes were wide and tear-filled; she had remembered how much she loved him and forgotten her reasons for being unable to do so. I smiled internally. "Remember, Miaka, I'm the one who loves you."

Tamahome shot me a look, but I wasn't watching him. My eyes were on Miaka's. She just looked back at me for a moment before her eyes turned to Tamahome, shining with that something.

I wondered if anyone would ever look at me like that...

Turning from the room, the last thing I saw was the two of them rushing together and embracing. Smiling sadly, I shut the door behind me. As it closed, I had the odd feeling that I was closing the door on something more than a room.

What I did had worked though. Miaka had found Tamahome again. She was happy again... in his arms.

I leaned against the balcony rail, letting the moonlight bathe over my face. My hair fell across my eyes in waves. I'm sure I looked wonderful, but for some reason, at that moment, I didn't care.
 
 

It was the next evening that Miaka returned.

I lingered in the doorway, watching as she presented herself again to the emperor. I watched as Hotohori-sama almost fled off her throne and threw her arms around Miaka. I watched her hug the miko tightly, as if she would never let go. And I watched the dark looks that passed between Hotohori-sama and Tamahome.

I sighed softly. Hotohori-sama, despite the fact that she was a woman, loved Miaka with all her heart. I understood- hadn't I loved Hotohori-sama when I thought her a man? It was no different. But it still made my heart ache for her because I knew Miaka could never love her back; at least, she couldn't while Tamahome was around.

Miaka introduced Chichiri to the emperor, cheerful, nearly bubbling. She was completely oblivious to the air of animosity in the room. I knew I would have to step in before Tamahome killed the emperor or the other way around.

I burst into the room with forced cheerfulness. "Miaka!"

She broke away from Hotohori-sama and ran excitedly over to me. "Nuriko, you're still being gay!" she exclaimed, grabbing my hands in hers and almost dancing.

Not quite, I thought wryly, but I said nothing about that. "Miaka, you're still being stupid!" I teased back.

I never really considered myself gay. Yes, I cross-dressed, but I had my own reasons for that. The reason I loved Hotohori-sama was for herself- it hadn't mattered that I had thought she was a man. What I loved was her personality, her mind, her heart. It wasn't important to me if she were a man or a woman.

I led her out of the room, both of us happily chattering about trivialities. I felt the tension in the room behind us, almost tangible. "Ah!" I said as we were still in earshot. "That's right! Did you get to see your friend?"

Her reply was unsure. "Well... um..." I could tell it was going to be a long story. By the look on her face, it wasn't a happy one either.

Miaka and I walked along the hallway. "Yui-chan is Seiryuu no Miko," she said quietly.

I looked at her in surprise. "What happened, Miaka?"

She didn't look back at me. "She... had a hard time because of me." The tone of her voice told me it was a little more than just a "hard time", but I let it be. "We're going to get her back, Nuriko. We have to."

"We will," I affirmed. I glanced down at her. Her face was determined, set, not depressed at all. That was good. I stopped as we arrived at her room. "Ne, Miaka... do you need anything?"

She looked up at me, a pitiful expression on her face. "I'm starving..."

I laughed suddenly and gave her a quick, tight hug. It was so good to have her home. "I'm glad you're back, Miaka."

She gave me a little grin. "Arigatou, Nuriko. I am too."

"Shall I get you something to eat?" I asked. I was a fair cook.

"No, that's all right," she replied, smiling at me. "I have my own food from home. Oyasumi, Nuriko!"

"Oyasumi, Miaka." I smiled farewell, and she stepped into her room, shutting the door behind her.

I glanced behind me and saw Tamahome storming in my direction. He probably wanted to talk to Miaka. I moved away from her door, silent, because he had not noticed me yet.

I stepped quietly down the stairs, moving out into the gardens. Everything was so pretty in the dark. Unlike my maids, I did not fear darkness. Night birds serenaded me softly, romantically. I settled myself on a rock, vaguely listening to the happenings in Miaka's room.

I heard her and Tamahome talking, then footsteps along the hallway. Her door creaked open and Hotohori-sama's voice floated across the night wind. Then a long silence. A few more voices, and then I heard someone step out of Miaka's room.

I looked up. Her beautiful face was dark because the lantern was behind her, but nothing could disguise the profile so familiar to me. She was silent, gazing out over the gardens. She looked so sad and lonely. Life is a game of broken hearts echoed through my mind. I stood up, getting off the rock, moving toward her, my feet quietly crushing the grass beneath me. I raised my eyes to her, standing directly below her, nearly hidden in the darkness.
 
 

The voice came from the darkness, a quiet, shy whisper, almost as though the evening wind itself were calling me. "Hotohori-sama?"

I jerked my head up, startled out of the eerie stillness into which I had settled myself. I looked around, straining my eyes to see through the untempered black. My gaze came to rest on a shadowy form, so familiar... "Nuriko?" I called, my voice curious, a bit unsure because I could not quite see through the curtain of darkness night had drawn.
 
I was sure he smiled to himself; I could hear it in his voice. "Hai, heika-sama." A moment passed and he spoke again, his voice sounding almost worried. "Are you all right?"

"Of course..." He sounded so concerned. It caught me off-guard a bit.

Another bleakly silent moment passed where even the night birds seemed to still their songs. "I see."

I was still trying to see through the blackness of the night, my own dark eyes sparkling in the effort. "After all, why wouldn't I be?" My voice was surprisingly quiet, and though not sad, it seemed to sound a bit wistful. Still watching Nuriko through the dark, I could almost make out his features now, the violet eyes and long flowing hair framing a face so quick to take on whatever emotion the wind blew in.

He took a step forward into sort of a watery shadow, the movement more audible than visible in the night. His face was turned down, not looking at me. "I guess you answered me before..."

His words confused me and I couldn't think of any reply to a statement I did not understand. "Oh..." I whispered the word out and leaned on the rail of the balcony, partly over it. I glanced up at the sky, my eyes watching the stars. Moonlight flooded over me, my hair, my face. It is strange... sunlight and firelight are warming, but moonlight is always... always... so cold... chilling... lonesome...

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him raise his face to me, smiling. In the surreal glow cast by the moon, the expression seemed so wistful. "You told me... that because Miaka is happy, that you weren't discouraged." He paused for the briefest moment. "But you never really answered me if you were happy."

I turned my eyes back to Nuriko, watching his shadowy form silently for a moment. "Happy?" I smiled a bit. "There's no reason for me not to be, is there?"

His voice was quiet, too quiet, when he answered me. "Akito-san has trained you well."

I hesitated slightly. "What do you mean?"

"You skirt answers superbly."

I laughed slightly, not really seeing anything funny. "Gomen... I suppose I do." I felt subdued, like something heavy, dark, and cold had settled on my shoulders, and I fell quiet.

He looked up at me quietly for a moment, no trace of a smile on his face. "I understand if you don't want to answer me. But that's nearly the same as a no, in any case."

"It isn't that I don't want to answer you, Nuriko," I began quietly. "But I don't want to sound ungrateful. I've grown up with everything I could possibly ever ask for. There truly is no reason I should be unhappy, and yet..." I sighed slightly. "I'm foolish, I suppose, wishing for something more with all I have."
 
His voice was amazingly soft. I was not one to talk to people like this. And yet... "What do you want, Hotohori-sama?"
 
"Something impossible..." I cast a glance back to Miaka's room where she and Tamahome still were, together. My voice was sort of soft, musing, not my usual tone. "I want what they have... But that can't be. And I know that. Still... dreams can't harm anything, can they?" They couldn't, could they?

He lowered his eyes and looked away. I must have sounded like a sentimental fool to him. "You want love..."
 
"Hai... I suppose that's it," I confirmed, both to myself as well as Nuriko.

He was still gazing off somewhere else when he spoke, his voice tight. "I... I wish I knew how to help, Hotohori-sama."

I turned my eyes back to him, studying his small form through the shadows. A little smile crossed my face briefly. A silent moment passed where I just watched him. "Thank you... but it really doesn't matter. After all, to think my needs had precedence over someone else's would be selfish." My dark eyes still watched his figure as best they could through the darkness.

His eyes turned back to me quickly, sharply. "Don't say that! You're an important person too!" He trailed off suddenly. "Very important..."

I was surprised. I hadn't been expecting such an adamant reaction. I just stood silent for a long moment, but finally I recovered my voice. "Thank you."

Nuriko lowered his eyes again, his face becoming hidden even more in shadow. "You're very important to so many people. Not because you're the emperor. But because you're you. Do you think Miaka cares about you because of your throne?" He stopped short, and it seemed there was something more, something he wasn't saying.

"Miaka is like that... she cares about everyone as a person," I answered him quietly.

He nodded. "Is that why you love her?" He looked up at me, his expression hidden in the nighttime darkness.

I laughed softly, feeling that at that moment my choice was laughter or tears. "I think so."

"Hotohori-sama..." His voice was tight, controlled.

Still leaning over the balcony, I tilted my head to the side slightly, looking down on Nuriko. "Hai?"

A silent moment passed where he just looked at me, watching. "It's not impossible... for her to love you back... if that's what you want. I'm sure you just have to be patient." His voice stopped suddenly again and the night faded into silence.

I shook my head. "It wouldn't work, Nuriko. Goodness knows you know that. And besides... have you seen the way they look at each other? Miaka and Tamahome, I mean. The way their eyes shine when they see each other. If he ever hurts her, I will kill him... but they love each other." They truly loved each other. I suppose I envied them that a bit, but I was glad for them, I truly was. Things like what they had only came along once in a lifetime, if at all...
 
Nuriko's voice rose over the humming of the crickets, tight and strained. "I know... I know..."

It was his tone that caught my attention. "Is something wrong, Nuriko?" I was concerned for him and I suppose it showed in my voice.

He blinked, the sparkle the moonlight created in his eyes winking out for the briefest moment, and looked up at me, a bit suddenly. A smile spread across his face, but it didn't look natural. "Nothing... sorry. Just thinking."

"Thinking... ahhh..." I did not quite buy that. There was something more. Something lay in the things he had left unsaid, things at which only the sweetly singing night birds could guess. "Ne... thanks for listening to me ramble. I really shouldn't impose upon you like this," I said after a moment and smiled slightly, wondering if he could see my face through the night's blackness.

"Ne... may I come up there?" The question rang through the night softly.

I nodded. "Hai... of course."

He walked to the stairs and climbing up, his soft footsteps seeming to echo through the stillness of the night. He stopped, neither close beside nor far away from me. "If there is anything I can do to help... anything at all..." He looked up at me, his eyes serious, clear. "Please tell me."

I looked over at him and sent him a smile. "Thank you... you don't know how much I appreciate that." Even I didn't know how much I appreciated it. I was unused to having someone to whom I could talk, whom I could trust.

He turned his eyes back to me, from watching the movements of the trees in the darkness and smiled shyly. "It's really not a burden."
 
I was still smiling when I turned my eyes back to the evening sky, to the stars. "Thank you..." I could feel his eyes on me, studying me through the dim light cast by the sparkling jewels in the night sky.

It seemed random, my next remark, but I couldn't stay in the silence any longer. "I don't think I love her like that... Miaka, I mean..."

Even though I wasn't looking at him, I knew he was still watching me. "Like... romantically?"

I nodded, musingly. "Hai... I do care for her... but it just doesn't seem to be romantically..."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him nod and something flashed briefly in his eyes. "I... don't mean to intrude... but... is there anyone you care for like that then?" His voice was soft, shy.

I had to think about that. I hoped... that somewhere there was someone I could love. Someone who could love me as well. I knew that someday I'd find that person... maybe. "Hai... perhaps." I hoped so. Mother always said that love was something that even the stars couldn't foretell. I looked to Nuriko for a moment, the shining stars reflected in his dark eyes. I felt for a moment as though I were still watching the sky. I sighed internally. Thoughts like that I was glad I kept to myself. So many people would laugh.

He was silent a moment. "I see." He spoke again, his voice dropping into something so quiet it was nearly a whisper. "I truly hope you find happiness, Hotohori-sama."

Laughter came to my lips at that moment, slightly ironic even to my own ears. I don't know why I laughed. Nothing was funny. "Thank you..."

He breathed deeply, slowly, a soft sighing sound that mingled with the night's gentle breeze. "Well... I ought to be going. I'm sure I'm going to have to entertain Miaka early tomorrow morning." The smile he gave me was small, almost sad. "Oyasumi, heika-sama."

I smiled back a bit, my feelings mirroring Nuriko's expression. "Oyasumi..."

He stepped away quietly, feet padding softly across the wooden floor. I watched him disappear into his room beside Miaka's. The door clicked shut softly. I stayed where I was, leaning on the balcony and closed my eyes, alone with my thoughts and the stars, listening to the soft whisper of the night wind.
 
 
 
 

She was a romantic hero in a story, a prince to rescue a princess, her princess, sword covered in blood from the slain enemy, her ki radiating with nearly visible strength and power.

When the bandits attacked us, I could only get one, but suddenly she was there and had saved Miaka from a sword aimed at her heart. And all I could do, after deciding Miaka was all right, was gaze at her. She was amazing.

Tamahome had left, going to Kutou to save the villages. I'm sure Hotohori-sama felt very guilty. Miaka was very upset, of course, but she was doing the best she could to hide it from me so that I wouldn't worry. So for her, in an effort to get Tamahome back, we were searching for the rest of the seishi. I had been wondering how Hotohori-sama would be dealing with being alone at the palace, worrying, but then suddenly she was there.

She told us Chichiri had taken her place at the palace so that she could protect Miaka in Tamahome's place. And together we continued on the road towards Mouth Leikaku, praying that Taiitsu-kun's mirror was leading us in the right direction with the "yama" kanji.

At the base of the mountain, we stopped and tethered the horses, letting them rest and graze for a bit. It seemed clear to me that I was not wanted, so I made a quick apology and an excuse to leave, and I disappeared from their vision into the woods. I sat down slowly behind a tree, able to hear what they were saying and knowing they could not see me.

Despite her denial of feelings for Miaka, Hotohori-sama had not even had to ask to ask me to do what she wanted- Miaka switched horses, riding with the emperor instead of me. It was all right. I understood. She loved Miaka, so of course she would want to spend time with her. It was like me. I loved Hotohori-sama and I wanted to spend time with her, but I would not interfere. If she wanted me to help Miaka fall in love with her, I would do that too. Like she had said, it's hard to be discouraged when the one you love is happy.

I leaned back against the tree, the bark scraping my back.

The maids and other princesses had been astonished and disapproving when they had seen me exit my room in men's clothes, and only Yumi had had the courage to ask me why I was wearing them. I told her that one pretty girl was bad enough to travel with, so we didn't need two girls to cause trouble. Yumi gave me a shy laugh and told me that I made a very handsome man. I just smiled and said nothing.

They were being so quiet. I had heard a few gentle murmurs from Hotohori-sama and Miaka's shy replies, but it had been a few moments since I had heard anything. Curiosity was itching my mind, and, after a few moments, I succumbed to it. I peeked my head around the tree.

My eyes widened. She... she was kissing her... Hotohori-sama was... she... My throat tightened and I hurriedly looked away. I swallowed repeatedly, trying to not to get upset. Hotohori-sama could do whatever she wanted. She was the emperor and she loved Miaka. I was just some foolish admirer who loved her. I was nothing.

I vaguely heard Miaka's protests and Hotohori-sama's questions to her, not really penetrating my thoughts.

Not romantically, she had said. There was someone else she cared for. I pulled my knees tightly to my chest, hugging them close. Had she lied to me? She had kissed Miaka. And yet, I did not have the right to complain. Miaka would make Hotohori-sama happy and I would... I would... find something to do. I would leave the palace, of course, and maybe I could stay with my brother for a while... I was sure I would be fine. I would survive.

"Miaka!!" I heard Hotohori-sama yell, and there was real panic in her voice. I jerked my head around the tree, thrown out of my thoughts, and stumbled to my feet. I saw them fall onto the ground, the emperor protecting the miko despite the threat to her own life. Without thinking, I started running toward them. "Hotohori-sama! Miaka!"

I think I remember seeing movement off to the side at the time, but in the state I was in, I didn't react to it quickly enough. I cried out and everything dazzled into black as I was hit from behind.
 
 

Consciousness crept slowly into my brain, bringing with it the knowledge of a soft, cold, pulsating pain. I was lying on a floor, my wrists tied behind my back with a thick grating rope. I tried to move my feet and found them bound much the same way as my wrists. Opening my eyes slightly, I allowed a moment for them to adjust to the brightly flickering candlelight. I was being shaken, I realized, as the world about me began to solidify, and not overly gently. "Hotohori!"

"Miaka!" I jerked my head around to glance at her. Nuriko was there as well. Both he and Miaka were tied much the same as I was and both looked equally confused.

"Hotohori! You're hurt!" Miaka chirped quietly, her voice filled with worry, concern.

Hurt? Ah, yes. My arm was bleeding. That would account for the dull throbbing pain I was feeling. Trying to force a smile and remain upright despite my stiff body, I opened my mouth to try to reassure her that I was fine. Before the words could leave my lips, the door opened and a rough looking group of slightly dirty, very drunk men stepped in. My head still ached from my recent bout with unconsciousness. Everything was blurry, and I felt as though I were trying to swim through turbulent churning water.

The bandits began taking Miaka away and it was as though whatever had been clouding and fogging my mind disappeared. I was ready to stand and fight, and beside me, I'm sure Nuriko was ready for the same thing. But Miaka smiled that cheerful smile and shook her head. Her green eyes shone clear with determination. She would find the other seishi. She would be fine. I watched her go and glanced to Nuriko, hoping to draw some reassurance from him, but even that was cut short as the bandits undid our ropes. I raised and eyebrow and glanced around at the whole group. They wanted us to serve them. They thought we were women. Unsure whether to laugh or cry, I simply stared. Had they simply assumed because of my beauty? Had they figured it out? Were they just that drunk? I prayed that they were drunk, that that was the only reason, and I resigned myself to playing along, to buy Miaka the time she needed. It truly was not difficult to play the part of a girl. I managed to pour the steaming tea without too much of a mishap and sit amongst them, all the while wondering if they truly knew my secret. Obviously someone had carried Nuriko, Miaka, and myself here. I had bound my chest for the journey; could they still have seen? I glanced from time to time at Nuriko, almost, but not quite frightened.

Then it happened. One of them began hitting on me. "Lady, you have such a nice big beautiful body." I could hear the alcohol in his voice, the slurred words that seemed to be such an effort for him to form.

I forced a laugh, something akin to panic clutching at my chest. "Oh, many people say that! But Nuriko-chan has much better proportions..." I cast a nervous, apologetic glance at Nuriko. I'm fairly sure, by the sudden chill that passed down my spine, that he glared at me.

"She's not my type..." the bandit said, and I could smell his breath, reeking of sake.

"Nuriko!" I hissed, nearly fleeing to the relative safety of his side.

I clung close to Nuriko after that, nervous, jumpy, and needing some sort of support. This I drew from Nuriko. He smiled at each of the drunken men easily, serving them with the grace and poise he so often demonstrated. Only the dangerous spark in his deep violet eyes betrayed the act he was putting on.

It happened only minutes later, though it seemed forever. The men's conversation came on and on in unending, relentless, drunken droning. I was eyeing the pile of our weapons and belongings that the mountain thieves had stacked in the corner. Suddenly a snatch of conversation caught my ear. They were speaking about the man Miaka had been taken to. My eyes widened as they spoke, darkening in anger, fearing for her safety.

"Nuriko," I said softly.

"Hai,” he answered quickly, nodding his head, understanding immediately what I meant. In a quick, accurate blur, the men were caught between a table and the wall with Nuriko standing in front of them, brushing off his hands in silent triumph. We gathered our things as quickly as we could. I felt strangely better with the handle of my sword resting comfortingly in my left hand.

"Are you, by chance, men?" a far from sober prone form asked.

"So you finally noticed," I answered, sighing slightly. Something tugged at my leg and I glanced down to see the drunk man who had been attempting to hit on me earlier.

"I don't care if you are a man!" his voice piped up.

"Nuriko," I called, my voice nervous, tight, annoyed. Moments passed, the twitching form of my assailant lay some yards off to our side. Nuriko and I stood by the door, waiting in complete silence, each of us barely breathing. Our moment came not long after, when one other bandit, the one who had taken Miaka, stepped through the door. Sword to his throat, he seemed more than happy to comply to our wishes. We followed him to the room he indicated, the room where he had said Miaka would be.

I fumbled with the door, but it was locked. I raised my sword, blade gleaming in the flickering torchlight as I lifted it above my head. I was ready to strike the door as the wall suddenly collapsed, or rather, as Nuriko made the wall collapse. I rushed into the room, to Miaka. Holding her trembling form close against my side, I held the man who would have hurt her at the edge of my sword. I wanted to kill him, but I left the blade just touching his throat despite the trembling of my hand.

So intent were we in what we were doing that none of saw the other figure enter, nor noticed him until Miaka screamed. I whirled away from the pathetic little slug and towards the new threat. The man was tall, with flame red hair that fell in disarray about shifty eyes that mirrored the firelight. He held Miaka over his shoulder as he spoke in a cocky voice and turned to leave with Miaka.

"No! Wait!" I called, springing forward, ready to go after him, but he simply smirked, fanned a few strips of paper in his hand and tossed them into the air. "Ginjitsu Shinzarou!"

Wolves appeared from nowhere, snarling and biting at the air and charging towards us.

"Impossible..." I heard Nuriko's astonished whisper as I slashed through one of the advancing menaces with my sword. The wolf vanished, leaving nothing but a torn paper that fluttered to my feet like a wounded bird. Paper?! It was impossible, but it was happening. My thoughts were not allowed to collect any further than that. From behind us, the little slug shrieked in his horrible screechy voice.

"Rekka shinen!" I glanced back at his words only to see fire erupt from a fan held in the grubby hands of the evil little man. It kept growing, expanding and covering the entire room, almost as though hell had been let loose upon the earth. I fled for a window, Nuriko disappearing from my view.
 
 

“Nuriko! Are you all right?”

"Hm, Hotohori-sama, you certainly got out of there quickly," I said lightly as I peered around the door, making sure it was safe for me to continue. When I decided I no longer had an immediate threat of death, I started walking toward her, checking around for any other danger.

She blinked at me, her eyes peeking over the edge of the stonework. "I was going after Miaka!"

"Hai, hai," I agreed as I hopped over the wall toward where Miaka had been taken.

"I was!!" she protested. I gave her a quick little smile over my shoulder. She was glancing around worriedly. "Did you see where they took her?"

I randomly chose a path through the forest. "I didn't. Did you?"

Her voice sounded rather sheepish. "The fire blocked my view."

I laughed quietly, worried about Miaka, but somehow sure she was all right. "Come on. We'll find her." I glanced around. "Perhaps we should look around while we're here."

She came up beside me and nodded. "Hai." Her voice darkened after as moment. "Nuriko... we have to find her... if he touches her..." The threat in her voice was almost tangible.

I gave her a quick glance. "We will. Don't worry. And we'll know if anything happens to her. It will be fine."

She was looking around, her eyes searching out the dimness, but she managed to glance at me and give me a quick smile and a nod. She was, however, looking away as she spoke. "Nuriko... I want to apologize for hiding behind you with the bandits."

I laughed, turning my eyes to her from the deepness of the forest. "It all worked out, ne, Hotohori-sama?" I gave her an evil grin. "Besides, he was rather good-looking."

Her expression at first was an equal mixture of a grin and a glare, but it melted after a moment into just a smile, the sweet one she gave so frequently to Miaka that I loved so much. "In any case, thank you."

We wandered a bit more, my mind and heart conflicting. It was so nice to be out here with her, to see her smile at me like that, but I knew we would have to find Miaka. And there was also the kiss... "Ne, Hotohori-sama..."

She glanced up at me, her dark eyes still trying to scan the impenetrable forest. "Hai?"

I deliberately kept my eyes away, a little nervous to bring up the subject. I kept my voice quiet as well, holding branches out of Hotohori-sama's way as we moved through the forest. "I thought you were only going to protect Miaka in Tamahome's place..."

I could tell she knew immediately what I was talking about. Her eyes flashed at me, but not with anger, as I had expected. Her voice was sad and retrospective. "Hai..." It was soft, amazingly quiet. "It was a mistake. I know that." She sighed as well, a brief, gentle wind, barely audible, across a field of grass.

I left my voice at the same level, left my eyes looking away. "I just... don't want you to get hurt." I turned my eyes to her, trying to gauge her reaction to this.

She gave me a sort of smile, looking a bit surprised, but her smile quickly faded. "I won't... I... after I did that... nothing. The only thing I felt was sorry for doing that to her. I don't understand. I still care for her, but I kissed her and there was nothing there." She dropped her eyes away from me, looking as if she felt that she had failed herself, her dreams, and went silent.

My voice was as soft and gentle as I could make it. "Nothing at all? You don't love her?"

She glanced up at me briefly. "She's a wonderful person. She's Suzaku no miko, my miko, and I'll protect her as best I can, but... no. No, I don't." She sighed again.

I left my eyes on her. "You'll be all right?" I asked after a minute. I then stopped walking, intent on studying her a moment longer with greater ease.

She nearly crashed into me, but pulled up just short. She glanced down at me and took a step backwards. I had never felt so small in my life. "Of course I'll be fine."

Who was I to presume on her feelings? Feeling something I couldn't quite put a name to, sort of like disappointment in myself, I watched her a minute longer, searching for signs of some way I could help her. If she needed it. Or wanted it. "Good." I turned away and continued down the path. I wouldn't show her my pain and worry. She didn't need me. "She has to be around here somewhere. How far could they have gone?" I blinked as something registered and turned again, double-checking what I had seen. "Hotohori-sama... you're still bleeding."

She looked down at her right arm where the material of her shirt had become wet and sticky with the blood that was still issuing from her wound. "Oh... I am."

I felt my heart twist. She had been so concerned with Miaka's welfare that she hadn't bothered at all about her own. My eyes, I'm sure, held much worry. "We have to bandage it-" My sentence was cut off by a shout and someone barreling into me.

"Trespassers!" yelled a rather drunk bandit, his alcoholic breath spilling into my face. I shoved him off me and got up, readying myself. He stumbled to his feet as well.

She drew her sword to the right of me, ready to defend herself and fight for her miko, despite the handicap of having to use her left hand, but I called out to stop her. "Hotohori-sama, stay back!" I gave her a quick glance to make sure that she would listen to me, then jerked my eyes back to the bandit.

He was amazingly drunk. "Pretty trespassers too," he slurred.

That was it. He was flirting with Hotohori-sama. If anyone's, that was my job. I flew over to him and landed my fist into his stomach. He sailed backwards and crashed into a tree, hitting it with a satisfying thump.

I strolled over to him, not allowing myself any glances in Hotohori-sama's direction, afraid I would smirk too much, knelt beside him, and started tugging off his shirt.

I finally allowed myself to look at her, though disguised it as best I could. She blinked, the skirmish over a little too quickly for her to have joined in. Her eyes widened as I managed to get his shirt off. "Nuriko...?" I stifled a laugh. Did she think I was going to rape him?

I gave her a mischievous grin and walked toward her, tearing the shirt into strips, choosing the cleanest. I stopped in front of her, then looked up at her. "May I?"

Unhappy realization shone in her eyes, but then she looked down to her arm. Her feelings were obvious. She looked back to me and nodded, her displeasure with the situation apparent. "Hai."

I stepped closer and examined it, wincing inwardly. "Hold on... this might hurt." I started rolling up her sleeve. It was a crime to lie to the emperor, punishable by death. This was definitely going to hurt. The cloth had stuck to the wound and I was going to be pulling off what little blood had already clotted.

She winced visibly and clenched her teeth, shutting her eyes, waiting for me to get to the actual wound. She was not looking forward to the pain.

I pulled the sleeve over the wound and a stifled cry escaped from her lips. I flinched, but continued, knowing what I was doing was for the best. "Sorry," I said quietly, and I finished pulling it over her wound. I forced myself to remember that I had to do this, or it could become infected or worse. "You need to hold it up over your shoulder so I can bandage it."

She nodded at me, her eyes still tightly shut, and reached over with her good hand to hold the sleeve up for me. Her eyes cracked open for a moment to look at her injury.

I made a face at the still-open wound. "Well... it's not too bad, not too deep, but it doesn't look like fun." I pulled her arm away from her body a bit and started to wrap the first bandage.

When I glanced up at her again, her eyes were off in the woods again, but she looked down at me as I tied off the last knot. "Arigatou." Had she been looking for Miaka again? I had nearly forgotten about her in my concern for Hotohori-sama. I felt like a fool. My devotion to the miko had to come first.

I reached over and touched her bandaged hand, feeling the temperature. "Good, it's not cold. Can you move your fingers?"

Within my hand, her fingers slowly clenched into a loose fist and then released. "Hai. I can."

I blinked as I realized I was holding her hand. I almost jerked it away, but forced myself to be a little more discreet about my embarrassment, though my face, I could feel, was pink. I gave her a hurried smile to cover it. "So, off to find Miaka, right?"

She gave me a questioning look, obviously having seen my expression, but then gave me a smile back and a quick nod. "Let's go."

I glanced away, hearing a noise, grateful for the interruption. That noise was familiar. It sounded very much like Miaka. "Hotohori-sama!" I said, my voice low.

Her eyes followed mine and she nodded silently, having heard the sound as well as I had. She tightened her bandaged arm's hand around the hilt of her sword, gesturing to me with the other. I understood.

I stalked over to the bushes from where one of the voices was emanating, then glanced back at her. It would be best if we struck at the same time.

She circled around the other way, almost disappearing into the forest, her movements soundless, cat-like, to where the other voice was. She looked up at me and barely nodded, her lips mouthing, "Now."

I struck, grabbing the blue-haired bandit, shaking him, trying not to hurt him if Miaka wasn't here, but just to stun him.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Hotohori-sama raise her sword, stopping barely away from Genrou's, the red-haired bandit, exposed throat, tangling a few beads of his necklace over the blade. "Where's Miaka, you bastard?" Her voice was dark, ominous.

I blinked as I heard Miaka calling out our names and stopped shaking the bandit. "Miaka?"
 
 
 

"I'm begging you." I was on my knees before the healer, a position I don't remember being in before anyone previously in my life. But if this would help Miaka, if this would save her life, then I would do it; I was doing it. Gladly.

At my side, the third member of our group dropped to his knees as well. "I'll beg too, there's no one else." I was only slightly surprised at this from him. Immediately after, I felt more than saw Nuriko sink to his knees too.

"You have to help us; we can't do it Shouka-san's way." Nuriko's voice was soft, fear-filled, reflecting the emotions I was feeling so closely.

He had to help Miaka. He was the only healer who could. Everything had been going so well... We had found Miaka and helped install the shifty-eyed bandit as the new leader of the mountain thieves. I had not been quite sure if that had been an intelligent move, but Miaka had reassured me otherwise. It was then that we had come up against one of our worst fears, a glass wall in our search for the Suzaku seishi. We were so close, we had felt it, but we were too late. Suzaku seishi Tasuki was dead. We had missed him by a matter of days, arriving too late. Too late... too late to do anything but watch our hope be shattered at our feet. But the icy dread that had settled over us was broken by a ray of hope. Rumors spoke of a healer not far off who could raise the dead. Once again we set off to an unknown place, the bandits escorting us off their land, as much a precaution as a courtesy. My arm had throbbed every now and then, but not nearly as bad as before Nuriko had bandaged it. Several times my hand had strayed to touch the bandage absently, but I had quickly pulled it away after receiving admonishing looks from Nuriko.

The healer, to the our surprise, had been a pretty young woman. Her eyes held a sadness that I had not been able to understand then, something like a long-tortured hope that was finally being relinquished into despair. She had confirmed our hopes. She did have the power to revive those not long dead, but only within the limits of the disease-cursed city. Hope had a tight hold on our hearts as we had once again set out, this time to bring the dead body of Tasuki to the village, to Shouka-san's healing touch.

The attack had come not long after we left city limits. Miaka felt faint, weak, her small body going slack as she sat in front of me on my horse. We had paused in our journey to let her rest. Out of the ground and from some far corners of hell that humans can only begin to guess at, the creatures had come at us. Vaguely human and long dead, the walking corpses advanced upon us in droves despite our efforts to fight them off and protect our miko. We were overpowered, outnumbered, until a figure detached itself from the forest's shadows. It was the flame-haired bandit of earlier. Wielding his fire, he had driven off the grave's minions and revealed himself to be the Suzaku seishi, Tasuki, whom we had thought dead. Unable to pass beyond the city of rotting corpses and worried for Miaka's safety, we turned back to the only refuge of which we could think. We had gone back to Shouka.

The young woman had simply shaken her head, watching us with those sad eyes so torn between some decision of which only she knew. She could help Miaka, but not while she was still alive. There was one other choice, a reclusive healer who lived a solitary existence outside the city. Myo Juan, they had said his name was. We had journeyed to him, only to be turned away almost violently. Miaka had crumbled, no longer being strong enough to sustain herself. We had carried her back to Shouka. The bitter truth had been reflected in Nuriko and Tasuki's eyes as well as my own, the horrible truth we knew and did not want to acknowledge. We would kill her, to end her suffering quickly, to stop her pain, and to have Shouka bring her back to life, free of her pain.

The task had fallen to me, and I had stood over her small fragile body, seeing the pain she was in. I so wanted to help her, but even at that I failed. I could not kill her.

That had brought us back to Myo Juan, to kneeling before him, begging for the life of our miko. I wanted to cry, but tears were something I indulged in very seldom. We watched his cold face, and were amazed in the change in it at the mention of Shouka's name. His eyes, so angry, so dead to the world, opened wider and flashed. "Did you say Shouka?"

Nuriko nodded. "Hai, Shouka-san, we left Miaka with her..." His soft voice was wary, uncertain.

"Shouka..." Myo Juan's deep voice repeated, shaking. "Shouka... one year ago... died."

It took us only a moment. I glanced at Nuriko, catching the shock in his wide violet eyes, sure my own eyes looked the same. Tasuki looked more angry than surprised, a single curse escaping his lips. We all ran from the room, leaving the recluse staring after us.

The town we entered was vastly different from the one we had left. Darker, more foreboding, the city seemed intent on strangling us. The creatures of death we had fought earlier reappeared in the forms of the distorted bodies of the townspeople. They swarmed us, bent on driving us back, on keeping us away. Away from Miaka.

"Go to Miaka, Hotohori-sama! We'll take care of things here." Nuriko shoved one of the misshapen creatures away from him, sending it flying.

I watched him for a moment as he dispatched yet another, his small form dodging and striking gracefully. Tasuki to his side fought with the cool practiced hand of a mountain bandit, a man who had killed before. They could handle things. I caught Nuriko's eyes and nodded.

"Sorry, Nuriko!" I called as I turned and ran towards Miaka, anxious for her, but not wanting to abandon Nuriko or the shifty-eyed bandit, Tasuki.

I nearly kicked open the door to Shouka's home, not really knowing what was going on, but fearing the worst. I saw her as soon as I entered the room. Her normally cheerful eyes were clouded by the sickness that had invaded her. "Miaka!" I called to her. "Get away from Shouka!" My eyes caught sight of a moving shadow that rose up behind Miaka. The rest of what happened was a blur. The demon that had possessed the pretty young woman was dispelled by a reluctant hero, the recluse Myo Juan. It all ended quickly, sadly, as we watched the tall healer say good-bye and end the existence of the woman he had loved.

I watched him as he cradled her motionless form. It seemed almost as though he were holding the corpse of his only true love, and maybe he was. My eyes clouded with tears that I would not let fall. He had watched his love slip away, like sand from his fingers, powerless to bring her back, unable to hold onto her. I had never seen anything so sad as his face as he held her, refusing to let go, holding on to something already gone... But even then I could see how the love he had for her still held him, kept him going, made him draw each breath he took. I glanced at Miaka. Healed now, both of sickness and injury, she was crying softly, eyes flooding with tears. Looking over at Nuriko, I saw that he too was crying, softly, silently. The crystal tracks of his tears were only barely visible in the dim light. I turned my eyes back to Myo Juan and then away from him, thinking, waiting for the tears that threatened my eyes to pass.
 
 

I wiped the tears off my face and moved to Miaka, resting a hand on her shoulder. "Are you all right?" I murmured softly into her ear.

She nodded, silent. I watched her a moment more and turned to leave. Our newest seishi, Mitsukake, needed time with his love. I wasn't required nor wanted. I cast a glance at Tasuki and decided not to bother him. He looked very upset too. I liked him. He had a good sense of humor, even if he was a little too cocky for my tastes. He was a welcome brightness in the harsh seriousness that had clouded us recently.

I finally turned my eyes to Hotohori-sama. Though her head was bowed, her hair cascading over her shoulder in a waterfall of glorious mahogany, I could see the sparkle of tears in her eyes. I wanted so much to do something to console her, anything. Sighing softly, I lowered my eyes, turned around, and walked a bit away.

Much had happened since we had seen the "yama" kanji. Hotohori-sama's admittance of her lack of love for Miaka had surprised me at first, but I gradually saw in the way that she treated her that it was true. I wished I knew who it was that she cared for, the one of whom she had spoken earlier, just to know. It wasn't my right to know, but I just wanted her to be happy. If the man or woman she loved did not make her happy- or worse, hurt her- I... Well, I could do nothing, but I would want to. I guess I felt frustrated. Hotohori-sama had been told by Miaka that I was in love with her, but she had never responded. She had never even said anything. It hurt. I had spent so much time with her recently and I knew what a sweet, kind person she was. But why had she just left me hanging? Did I really matter so little?

I raised my eyes to the trees. Dawn was breaking. I had not slept all night, but neither had any of the rest of us except Miaka. The sky was a deep color, blue and purple and pink, with the faint white of clouds glistening against it.

So Tasuki had joined us, despite his original reticence, even saving us with his tessen. I discovered he had a sense of humor quite similar to mine, though his perception of people was sorely lacking. I knew he would be good company in the days to come, assuming we lived that long.

And then Shouka.

I had almost been hoping that she was the next seishi we had been looking for, just to make the search go faster. Maybe when we found all the seishi... then Miaka would get Tamahome back... and Hotohori-sama wouldn't be quite so sad and protective... and maybe... just maybe...

Foolish thoughts. I forced them from my mind. She loved someone already.

My heart still rebelled against what Akito had suggested. Yes, while I frequently entertained the idea of living with her forever, it was always with the small detail that she would love me as well. If what he had hinted at proceeded, then it would be nothing more than an arranged marriage, a marriage of convenience. I would be used. I would do my best to make her happy, but I knew I never could if she loved another.

I wandered a bit further away from everyone else, off into the woods. I stopped behind a copse of small trees at a sudden flash of deep purple. Turning my eyes to face it fully, I saw that the purple was flowers, a type I had never seen by Eiyou. My sister had loved flowers so much. I knelt down and searched for the most perfect one I could find. When I was satisfied, I took it and stood up.

I began to walk back, hoping that they were all still where I had left them. I had only been gone a few minutes.

I saw Hotohori-sama before anyone else. She had almost followed me toward the forest. Her back was turned to me, her eyes still lowered. I wanted to go to her and give her a gentle, reassuring hug, but it was not my place. The beautiful, perfect flower, my offering to her, lay gently in my hand as I lifted it up to her.
 
 

I blinked, completely caught off-guard, the simple motion pulling me from the thoughts that had been floating through my mind. So thrown off was I that for a moment all I could do was stare at the small bright flower in his hand.

He gave me a small sad smile, the smile I never understood, that I wanted so much to understand. He spoke, and his voice matched his expression. "I didn't mean to disturb you... how are you doing?" The flower still lay in his outstretched hand, waiting for me to take it.

I reached out a hesitant hand as I regained my composure, a bit embarrassed at myself. "Iie... you aren't bothering me. Truthfully." My voice was quiet, soft, matching the subdued mood of the approaching dawn. The quiet was so fragile that I was afraid of shattering it. "Doing?" I began, addressing his other question after a small pause. "I'm doing well, just tired of so much searching and uncertainty." I glanced down at the flower; its petals were a vibrant purple and its stem long and slender. I fingered the stem between my fingers, watching it as I turned it over in my hand. "And thank you... for the flower."

He smiled a bit shyly. "I've never seen one like it before... My sister would have loved it. She would have said it matches her hair and gathered hundreds of them and filled the house with them." He stopped, his eyes coming out of the wistful remembering into which he had fallen. His voice was more serious when he spoke again. "Only one more seishi left and we're done. And then..." He paused, choosing his words carefully. A cool wind chose that moment to blow past us. I shivered despite myself. "And then we all go our separate ways."

I watched him a moment. "Separate ways." I repeated the words, not liking the taste they put into my mouth. I was not so sure I wanted that. Yes, I wanted Suzaku to be called and the country to be safe, but I did not want to lose the sense of belonging I had found with the seishi. I did not want to lose the friendship. "Hai... only one more," I affirmed, making my voice as cheerful as I could.

He turned his violet eyes back to me, his face an expressionless mask I could not hope to penetrate. "And then we'll call Suzaku, once we have Tamahome back. And then she'll be happy again..." He cast a glance in Miaka's direction, watching her for a moment.

My eyes followed his gaze, coming to rest on our miko as well. Her lone form was so still, quiet. "Hai, she will be..." I took my eyes away from Miaka, looking up to the sky. "Everyone will be better off then, ne? Once all the uncertainty is over." My gaze strayed back to Nuriko as I spoke the word uncertainty and I watched him.

A frown crossed his face as he studied my expression. "What will you do then, when all this is over? After we call Suzaku, I mean."

I smiled a slightly twisted smile. "Go back to life as usual, I suppose." But then, could I go back to normal life after all that had happened? Was it possible? And... did I want to? But no, my desires would not enter into this. I could not allow them to.

The smile he gave me was amazingly sad, an emotion that echoed in his deep violet eyes. "I do hope you find happiness then."

I smiled back, a true smile coming to my lips almost unbidden. I fingered the flower I still had in my hand, gently touching the soft petals. "Thank you." Neither of us spoke for a moment. "I hope you do as well... find happiness, I mean."

He lowered his face, eyes looking to the ground. "Thank you." The words were a quiet whisper, the only sound before he fell silent.

I watched him for a second before looking back to the bright morning sky. A moment later I found myself watching him again, wondering... My voice was as quiet as his as I answered. "You're welcome."

"And the healer, Mitsukake... he... he went to bury her?" he asked quietly after a moment of eerie stillness had passed.

I nodded, watching him quietly. The sunlight hit him at just an angle to make it look as though he were surrounded by some celestial halo. I shut my eyes wondering where that thought had come from. "Yes."

He wrapped his arms around himself tightly, as though warding off a chill that was not present in the morning's still air. "I... I can't imagine that... if I had to bury the one I love... I -" He stopped suddenly and looked up at me. A short flash of sudden panic flashed through his eyes for a moment before being covered, concealed.

I nodded, glancing at him curiously. The look on his face had been so fearful... so frightened. I could not guess at the thoughts that were in his mind. "I do not know how he can keep going... even after..." I paused. "Do you suppose she's still with him? Can love be that strong?" I stopped, realizing how philosophical and strange I must sound and fell into a sudden silence.

He smiled again, his strange bittersweet smile that I still could not fathom and hugged his arms closer to him. "Yes, I know it does. And... it's even stronger than that." The words were spoken like some sort secret that had never before been revealed.

I gave him a smile back. "Really?" I paused another moment, thinking. "I'd like to believe that... I think I can believe that..."

He nodded his deep bright eyes shining with a seriousness that only comes with true belief. "You can believe that. It's true." The smile that flickered across his face was small. "And we really should get some sleep.

I nodded in vague agreement with everything he had said. "Hai, you're right." I glanced at the rising sun and laughed, being struck by the strangeness of going to sleep at daybreak. "I would say goodnight..." I stopped for a moment, finding other words. "Sleep well, Nuriko."

His glance fell on Miaka again. "You as well... I'll go get Miaka and Tasuki. You should sleep now."

"Hai, arigatou, Nuriko." He smiled once more at me as I began towards the house we would be using for the night. The room we would be sharing was small but clean. Perhaps this place had been an inn, but somehow it held five beds. The townspeople, those still alive, were grateful to us and doing their best to show their good faith. I spread the blankets of the others on the small beds placing my own on the cot nearest the door. The others filed in shortly after. Mitsukake was silent, the knees of his pants covered with dirt from kneeling beside the grave of his love. He lay down immediately and slept. The others were silent as well save for a whispered goodnight and lay down quickly to take what few hours of sleep we would be offered. We awoke at noontime when the sun was straight up in the sky and stayed for the rest of the day, knowing we wouldn't get anywhere before darkness fell. We spent the next night much the same as that day. The sun had set hours before and the moon and stars were shining in the dark ocean of the sky. I sat atop my bed watching the play of the shadows the moonlight cast as it shone through the window.

The others were asleep, Tasuki snoring slightly, his fang-like teeth showing in a mischievous smirk. Mitsukake's face was as unreadable in sleep as it was in waking.

Miaka's face was peaceful and she stirred slightly even as I watched. "Tamahome..." her soft voice called out, a plea. I felt a twisting inside my chest. "We'll find him for you, Miaka. We'll get him back," I promised silently.

And Nuriko slept, his covers pulled nearly to his chin, only his face and the river of his violet hair showing above the blankets. I wondered if he was dreaming; the expression on his face was almost a smile, content. I watched him a moment more before settling myself down under my covers. It was late. I should sleep. But sleep was a long time coming for me that night, and when it came, it was dreamless, dark.

I awoke the next morning as the sun crested over the horizon and spilled its light across my face. I sat up, glancing around at the other sleeping forms of my companions. Tasuki, I noticed to my own displeasure, was still snoring.

Nuriko stirred slightly to my side but did not wake.

I got up as silently as I could and rolled up my blankets and sat on the edge of my bed watching him. Daylight was creeping silently through the window, tracing its golden glow across Nuriko's serene sleeping face. His expression was still so content, lips settled in something that was almost a smile. It was so amazing that even in sleep that strange secret smile could still grace his features. Beneath his blankets his chest rose and fell with his breathing, gently, slowly, in that strange timeless way that comes with a deep sleep. At that moment a small sigh escaped his lips, a soft whisper that blended into the morning air. His hair, tossed about by sleep, pooled around his face and shoulders, framing them in its softly flowing waves, the soft purple color seeming to glow in the morning light. He... I stopped short in my thoughts, shaking my head slightly. Where had those things come from? Why was I thinking like that?

Shaking my head and pushing such questions to the back of my mind I stood and walked cautiously, quietly over to Nuriko. He looked so fragile, so delicate as he slept. I placed my hand on his shoulder gently and called his name, my voice a quiet whisper. "Nuriko..."

The only reply I received was a "mmph." He rolled over, turning his face away from me, refusing to let go of sleep. He pulled the covers over his head, hiding. I laughed slightly, shaking my head. It was such a child-like action, innocent. My hand was still on his shoulder and I began shaking him carefully, softly. "Nuriko... wake up."

The covers moved down a few inches and his sleep-clouded violet eyes peeked out over them, narrowed in a glare. He looked ready to attack whoever it was that was waking him, to fight for his sleep. But suddenly his expression changed. His eyes widened in surprise and he sat bolt upright in one abrupt motion. "Hotohori-sama!"

"Good morning... Sorry to wake you like that, but we should be moving out soon." I half-grinned at him.

His face was still clearly painted with surprise. "Hai... you're right. Would you like me to wake the others or pack up the horses?" The townspeople had been kind enough to supply us with horses for our journey.

Glancing around at the sleeping forms, I thought for a moment. "I'll see to the horses." It struck me as only slightly odd that I would feel more comfortable dealing with animals than people.

He nodded, a little grin coming to his face. "I'll wake the little sleeping children then. Should we meet you outside?"

I nodded back and found myself returning his smile unconsciously. Children. The description was so absurd and yet so fitting. "Hai, outside. I'll see if we can't secure some breakfast too... so Miaka doesn't eat anyone."

He laughed at this, a soft dancing sound that fit into the morning like the song of a bird. "I'll make breakfast then. I'll bring some out for you. We'll eat on the road, all right?"

"Wonderful." I nodded and left the room as quietly as possible shutting the door silently behind me. The horses were in a small stable to the side of the house we were staying in. I entered through a side door and stood a moment watching the feisty trio of animals we had been given. I stepped towards them and saddled them quickly.

I was just fastening the last strap of the third saddle when Nuriko stepped in the room followed by the others. Tasuki and Mitsukake were looking markedly disgruntled about being pulled from bed so early and Miaka looked asleep still, her green eyes blinking in an attempt to stay open. "Are we set?" Nuriko at least, seemed awake now.

I nodded. "Hai, set." I petted the horse gently on its muzzle, watching it perk its ears towards the sound of our voices.

Nuriko sent me a cocky smile, something mischievous suddenly flashing in his eyes. "You're a good horseman, Hotohori-sama," his voice lilting oddly over the word "man." Still grinning, he clambered onto his horse and flashed another smile my way.

Mounting my horse easily, I gave Nuriko an amused look and laughed. Everyone gave me a questioning look dimmed with sleep. I shrugged the looks off, feeling quite comfortable atop a horse, having been taught to ride as a child. To my right, Tasuki and Mitsukake managed to mount their horse while still asleep, a feat which impressed me. Miaka bounced over to me. I reached down and pulled her up easily to sit in front of me. "Are we ready then?"

Nuriko nodded cheerfully. "Hai!"

Tasuki's head moved in an attempt at a nod and his voice was muffled. "Aa." He sat behind Mitsukake on the same horse, nearly sleeping on the large man's back. Mitsukake simply nodded.

"Hai!" Miaka chirped her agreement, her spirit no doubt buoyed by our luck in finding Tasuki and Mitsukake so quickly. She paused. "Where are we going now?"

"We have to find the last seishi," Nuriko offered and then turned his eyes to me as he spoke his next words, his deep violet eyes staring straight into me. "Then we call Suzaku and..." He trailed off, turning his gaze back to Miaka. "We'll get Tama back." He started his horse moving.

My horse began forward as well with only a little prodding. I glanced down at Miaka. Her face was as always cheerful, full of hope. I smiled at her slightly before turning my eyes back to the path we were following.

"Only one more to find! We're doing good, ne?" She turned her face to look at Nuriko.

He nodded, smiling back at her. "I wonder who he could be?" He cast a hidden glance at me for the briefest moment. "Or she, of course. I'm sure it won't be long until we find him. Or her."

I watched him out of the corner of my eyes, raising an eyebrow curiously. It was then that I heard Miaka's voice. It was strung with a slightly pensive quality. "Well, all the seishi have been men so far. There should be at least one girl in the group, right? Unless only a man can be a seishi..." She looked a bit confused but quickly shrugged it off, her thoughts as always coming and going with the blowing breeze. I felt my face coloring and so hung my head, letting my hair spill over my features, hiding me. "I guess we'll see," Miaka finished.

Nuriko's face worked its way into a plaintive little pout. He cupped his hand to his cheek, a gesture he was so prone to doing. It was sort of endearing, making him seem almost vulnerable, innocent. "What? I'm not woman enough for you, Miaka?" he asked, voice disapproving.

Miaka laughed, shaking her head quickly. "Gomen, Nuriko. Of course you are!"

Nuriko laughed as well, his soft, free, singing laugh. "Good then!" I felt more than saw his gaze stray to me for a moment and he was silent. "Just one more..." He trailed off.

Miaka smiled. "And then Tamahome can come back, like he promised." Her voice was wistful, as though whispering a prayer to the sunny sky.

I thought I could still feel Nuriko's eyes on me, but I didn't look at him. My eyes began to stray towards his direction, but I drew them away quickly after seeing that his dark violet eyes were indeed focused on me. "Hai..." he paused for a moment. "You really love him, don't you?" In that moment, I almost thought his voice sounded wistful.

"Hai, I do." The words were a quiet whisper, as though Miaka were afraid to speak them out loud.

My hair was still covering my face as the small smile crept onto my lips. It was nice to see true love, to know it still existed... to hope for something like it some day. I lifted my eyes, peering through my hair at Nuriko, the small smile still on my face. He met my eyes after a moment, not smiling but not frowning either. In his dark reflecting eyes, a deep sadness shone and a longing...

"I understand that..." He looked away then, down to his own horse and his hands tightened slightly around the reins.

Miaka grinned. "Good! You understand because you love-" She choked off suddenly, stopping mid-sentence.

A flush crept into Nuriko's face, his cheeks turning a few shades darker than normal. He kept his eyes focused on the path ahead. "Hai." His voice was quiet, but open, not holding anything back.

I watched him for a long moment, feeling a strange sensation creep into me, cold, dark. Nuriko was in love with someone as well. I suppose I should have been happy for him and yet... and yet... I left the thought unfinished.

A quick apologetic look crossed Miaka's face. He turned his head to give her a quick reassuring smile and looked back to the road. "Ne, Miaka, I thought you were going to be eaten by that demon." The glance he gave her was wry, amused. "That would have been quite a switch..."

Miaka made a face at him, scrunching up her nose and sticking out her tongue but then faded into laughter. I laughed as well, softly. Miaka sighed over-dramatically. "You're all against me today!"

Nuriko smirked, his face looking brighter than it had been a moment ago. I was glad. It was nice to see him smiling; it so matched the sunshine of the day. "No, no, Miko-sama!" He laughed again. "We're just being honest!"

Miaka stuck her tongue out again. "Right."

I pushed my long hair out of my face and looked back at Nuriko and watched him for a long moment. I caught myself nearly staring at him and pulled my eyes away. Why?

Nuriko laughed again at her. "Glad you agree! You do realize you are the luckiest miko ever, don't you?"

"Why?" Miaka's voice was flooded with confusion.

His face twisted into a delightedly evil expression. "Because you have the most beautiful seishi protecting you!"

"Oh... of course..." Miaka coughed.

I smirked, managing only barely to hold back a laugh. Their chatter continued, bouncing from cheerful topic to cheerful topic, their voices suddenly rising in trilling laughs. It was strange to listen to the two of them, so happy together, open.

The sun had completely come up, shining brightly in a sapphire sky that was as clear and cloudless as it could be, so clear that even the moon could be seen casting its pale visage through the blue velvet of the sky. Nuriko was attempting to teach Miaka the words to a song. The two of them laughed as each one stumbled over words or tune and began again, their two different voices melding together in a lovely melody that floated through the air. I smiled to myself as I recognized the song. And I had never heard it sung so well. Nuriko's voice was clear, almost rivaling the bird's of the summer sky. And there I was thinking like that again. I did not understand myself sometimes. I shrugged away the strange feelings settling into me, trying to dismiss them from my mind, but I could not. They settled themselves inside my chest, leaving a strange sensation I could not shake.

I guess I must have been silent for a while, caught up in my thoughts because Nuriko called out to me. "Hotohori-sama? Are you all right?"

I jerked my head up, my thoughts scattering like petals on the wind. "I... yes... of course."

The smile he gave was worried, but it quickly brightened as his eyes caught sight of something. "You still have your flower!"

Miaka was still singing, attempting to figure out the chorus. I nodded, glancing at the flower I still had held loosely in my hand. I smiled. "Hai, I didn't kill it yet..."

Nuriko laughed. "I doubt you will..." He glanced back at Miaka as she hit a sour note and winced slightly. "Iie, Miaka... like this..." He showed her, his own voice dancing easily through the flying notes of the song.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, blissfully quiet after all we had been through. Stopping for the night in a small rustic city, we secured ourselves a room in an inn for the night. A small fire danced in the fireplace, sending strangely swirling lights cascading across the room. I glanced at Nuriko as he sat on the edge of his bed, talking to the others, my eyes straying to him for the hundredth time that day. His face was half in shadow, but his eyes sparkled, reflecting the fire's glow. He looked almost dream-like, as though he would fade when the firelight danced away from him. He must have seen me watching him, for he turned his face towards me and flashed a quick smile at me. I blinked, unsure, caught off-guard for a moment. He had smiled at me, that smile. I smiled to myself unconsciously. I... I did not know why... I... felt...

He had smiled at me.

Oh gods.

I realized it all at once. My eyes widened slightly in the half-shadowed room as the truth flashed out of the darkness. I saw then why I had been catching myself watching him, why I felt so strange at his smile. I shook my head, trying to clear it. It was impossible... but it was true.

I was falling in love with him.
 
 
 

** Yes, we realize that Nuriko says that they've been traveling on foot since they found Mitsukake (domo, Sushi-chan ^^;) but I wanted to put the horseman line in. ^^;;; Hey, it's a fic, and I have power. *grins and flexes her muscles* Also, from here on, the story will start to deviate more from the original plot. Gomen if you don't like it- but that's what fanfics are for. I hope you are enjoying it so far!
 
 
 

I suppose the flute was all right, but it annoyed me at first, possibly because I was convinced that Miaka had lost her mind, and it had bothered me that I hadn't heard what had actually existed.

Hotohori-sama and Tasuki had raced out to save her and brought her back, mostly unharmed, but a little shaken. What they also returned with was the seventh seishi, Chiriko, the one who had saved Miaka from the bats and Kutou's assassin. Now we could get Tamahome back from Nakago and Miaka would be happy again.

We were staying in Tamahome's family's house. Mitsukake had healed Tama-chan's father and all the children were excited to see Miaka.

I was sitting just outside, waiting, for once, for everyone else to get up. I was too busy thinking. The sun was casting glints of red and pink through the sky, pinpricks of stars still showing through. I did not like mornings normally, but I hadn't been able to sleep. Something was wrong. I could feel it.

Several factors had added to the sense of wrongness I felt. Hotohori-sama had been acting differently toward me, almost quieter toward me. I was unsure why. What had changed? Had I done something to offend her? I didn't know, but I wanted to fix it. She didn't smile as easily at me now.

I was happy we had found the seventh seishi, but something just didn't feel completely right about it. Maybe I just wasn't looking forward to the future, after we called Suzaku- and having to part from Hotohori-sama. It still bothered me that I hadn't been able to hear the flute. I had remarked rather casually as we were traveling that I hadn't been able to hear it, and the tone in Hotohori-sama's voice as she reprimanded me for doubting the miko stung deeply. She had never spoken to me like that before.

That was what worried me the most. Her moods had become much more varied than usual. My mother had had similar experiences, moodiness and quick temper, and I wondered if it were from the same cause. If so, that was fine with me. But if it were because of something I had done, I wanted to know so I could remedy it. Even had I not loved her, I would still have wanted to fix it, but I needed to with her. Nothing mattered more to me than her. I would not be the cause of her unhappiness.

We were heading back to Eiyou today, to have a base from which to get Tamahome back and then to call Suzaku. I wanted to spend as much time as I could awake, alert, as much time as I could with her. My time was too limited. I didn't know what I would do with the rest of my life, but I would have to leave the palace. I couldn't live a lie if someone knew.

I turned my eyes back inside the small house. I could see her sleeping from where I was, her long dark hair scattered on the pillow around her face. She stirred, yet I continued to watch. She looked so young when she slept, so peaceful and innocent, so much like the young girl that she was. I wished I could have told her how much I wanted to protect her, how much I wanted to make her happy. Her face was pale against the rich darkness of her hair, her cheeks a faint pink against the light skin, her lips a shade darker, the color of a summer rose, true and clear. I knew behind her lidded eyes slept the kindest soul I had ever met. She had her faults, of course. She was somewhat blind to the people around her, those close to her, but what she saw and understood, she cared for deeply. Like Miaka. She had loved Miaka, or so she had thought, but she had always taken the best of her that she could. I still didn't understand how Miaka could have chosen Tamahome over Hotohori-sama, and I doubted that I ever would.

She stirred again, blinking and opening her eyes. I stood up and looked away quickly, moving to finish packing up my horse. I had already packed the others' horses, except for their bedrolls and clean clothes. It wasn't that I wanted to go home any earlier- quite the opposite. But I needed something to do. I'm sure I looked terrible. No sleep does that to a person.

I heard movements inside the house and assumed that she was waking the rest of them. I moved to the doorway, hovering there, shy and unsure, waiting. When they were ready, it would be time to go. We would get Tamahome back, call Suzaku, Miaka and Tamahome would be happy, and I would leave the palace.

And I would never see Hotohori-sama again.
 
 

I rode through the gates as the sun was still lazing high in the sky. The cadence of my horse's hoof beats thundered through the streets, echoing off the walls even as I slowed the tired animal to a walk. In all truth I was not overly eager to return to the palace. I was worried about the country, with Kutou so close to our borders, but I needed time to think, to let my thoughts sort themselves out. And so I rode in silence and let my mind take me away.

I had left the others earlier that day, slipping away without a word, without an excuse. I had not wanted to leave them, but I thought it best that I did. I had not slept much the night before; I could not. I was... falling in love with Nuriko. I was still not quite believing it. He was a man. The emperor of a country could not fall in love with a man. It could not happen.

And yet, I was the emperor of the country. I was a woman, and despite my telling myself that it could not work, that he loved someone else, I was falling in love with him. I had lain awake the first half of the previous night, watching him as he slept, wondering so many things... wondering what it would be like to touch his soft flowing hair...

I had spent the remainder of the night trying to force such thoughts from my mind.

I had been quieter towards him, towards everybody. I tried to act normal, but I had been too afraid- afraid I'd say something I'd regret. Afraid that somehow they would be able to tell my thoughts. Afraid that somehow Nuriko would find out, especially if he loved another, the one whose name Miaka would not mention. And so I had left them, turning back briefly to see him perched atop his horse, Miaka in front of him. The sunshine, as always, made his long braided hair shine. I smiled once, and slipped away before they noticed I was gone.

I quickened my horse as I reached the stables and dismounted as the horse was still going, landing softly on my feet. I petted its muzzle one last time and handed the animal off to a stable attendant who gave me a curious, questioning look. I half-smiled at him and continued to my chamber. I peeled off the dusty traveling clothes and quickly washed my face and my neck with the cool water that lay in the basin on my dresser. I watched myself in the mirror as the layer of dust that had settled around my face vanished with the cleansing water. My face was a bit red, especially my cheeks. My hair fell in disordered waves near my face; the ponytail I had tied it back in earlier was only barely clinging to the ends of my hair. I smiled slightly. I looked a bit tired, maybe a bit sunburned, but still all right, I assured myself.

The flower Nuriko had given me lay alone on the table where I had set it when I entered. Glancing at it for a moment, I smiled softly to myself. I had been afraid it would die on the road, before I could get home, before I could put it with the others. Lifting it gently in my hand, I set it with the rest that he had given me, hanging it upside down to dry it. I watched it for a moment, seeing his face when he had given it to me, questioning, shy, a bit unsure. The smile on my face brightened a bit more, unbidden, unconscious. Shrugging back my long loose hair, I turned away from the flowers and back to getting dressed. I slipped into the voluminous robes of the emperor of Kounan and put my slightly wild hair up underneath the small crown I normally wore. I studied myself in a mirror again, finding myself looking into my own eyes. I slid my feet into a couple of slipper-like shoes and headed towards the throne room to find Chichiri and free the poor man from my job.

But he was not there when I arrived. Only Akito was in the room, blinking in slight confusion at the blank air in front of him. His sharp eyes flashed towards me as I entered the room. "Ah, heika-sama, you're back!" The twist he put to the words was amazing. The man had sarcasm down to an art. "Glad to see your journey went well. Did it ever occur to you to tell me you'd be leaving and having a slightly psychotic pretender take your place?"

I could not help grinning. "So you noticed, ne?"

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Yes, I noticed, Sai-chan." He called me by that nickname when he thought he was saying something important or nostalgic... or parental. He was the only one from whom I would even tolerate that and he knew it. He knew it well. "Please, at least leave some sort of note. At first I thought you were sick and then I thought you had gone completely insane, and finally I figured out what was going on. Sai-chan, do you have any idea how worried I was about you?" His voice was reproaching, but not in a condemning way. Instead, it was strung with relief.

I smiled slightly. Ever since I had been a child, as long as I could remember, Akito had been there. Mother had trusted him. No, I corrected myself, Mother had loved him, and he had loved her. I do not think Akito knew that I knew that about him and Mother. I never mentioned it and neither did he, but I knew. "Gomen, Akito..." I smiled fully at him, watching his sarcastic face work its way into a smirk and then a smile.

"If you weren't the emperor, I'd have you flogged..." He paused. "Heika-sama."

I glanced towards the door, hearing the sound of voices just outside. The others had returned, the other seishi. We had found them all, and as soon as we retrieved Tamahome, we could call Suzaku. Smoothing out my robes and gesturing for Akito to follow me, I stepped out into the bright sunshine of the day.

"Where's Hotohori?" I heard a voice, Mitsukake.

"He slipped off a while ago..." someone answered him.

"Haven't you figured it out yet?" Nuriko's soft voice drifted through the morning air. "Hotohori-sama's the..."

I stepped into their view at that moment and watched their jaws drop to the ground. "Never mind, Nuriko."

"Welcome home, heika-sama!" exclaimed Chichiri cheerfully, popping out of nowhere.

"Th-th-th-the emperor?" the bandit blurted out, a look of horror creeping into his face as he remembered his actions of earlier and how we had met. Mitsukake regarded me with those strange silent eyes and nodded ever so slightly. Chiriko's wide eyes widened even more in amazement, perhaps, but something else that flickered for a moment and then was gone. Uncertainty? Doubt? Fear? I dismissed those thoughts and walked towards them.

Nuriko was smirking, standing slightly behind Miaka. She whispered something to him and the two of them dissolved into a quiet fit of girlish laughter. I smiled to myself and headed into the formalities through which we had to go.

It was at dinner that night that the biggest matter came out. Tamahome. It was Chichiri who told us we could talk with him, through the use of magic. Miaka's eyes widened, hope sparkling in them brightly. I glanced at Nuriko. He sat quietly, almost withdrawn from the conversation, wrapped within himself and whatever thoughts lay in his mind. I wondered what he was thinking, but it was not for me to know his thoughts. Miaka got up, knocking her chopsticks and empty bowl onto the floor. The room as a whole grimaced and she smiled apologetically before hurrying off to prepare herself for her meeting, her reunion with the one she loved.

Chichiri followed her out after a few moments, then Mitsukake and Chiriko left as well. It seemed the two of them got on well together. Tasuki sat muttering under his breath and casting sideways, suspicious looks my way. I smiled at him for the tenth time that night and his eyes widened. I should have said something more to assure him... but truthfully, I enjoyed watching him sweat a bit; he had no idea what to make of me. After a time even the bandit slunk out of the room nervously, watching me over his shoulder until the door was closed behind him.

Nuriko lingered in the room for another moment. In that time our eyes met for the briefest instant. It was amazing how his eyes spoke, whispering the very nature of his self, of his soul. He stood, bowed quickly, and headed for the door. I watched the closed door for a few moments, letting my thoughts take me. The candles flickered sporadically in the dim room.

Nuriko. I thought I understood then why I was falling in love with him. It was his laugh, his soft free laugh that came so frequently, so sweetly, over his lips. It was his way of being at ease with everyone, of making whomever he talked to feel comfortable. It was his smile, his bittersweet smile that transcended understanding, but that called for it, that dared you to comprehend it. It was the gentle way he conducted himself with everyone, so caring, so true.

It was his eyes.

I stood and once again straightened my robes, brushing dismally at the heavy fabric, and stepped outside onto the balcony that overlooked the palace corridors. I leaned against the railing, breathing in the night air, only barely mindful of the strange chill it brought as it settled on my skin, my arms, my face. Something hung in the moonless sky that night, a dark mist, almost foreboding. I shivered despite myself.

The other two figured detached themselves from the shadows and came to stand on either side of me. Tasuki and Nuriko. I glanced at each of them in turn, my eyes lingering a moment longer on Nuriko, his smooth, perfect features shadowed by the darkness. Someone said something- I do not recall exactly what- and at that moment, Miaka came sprinting down the corridor below us. I smiled to myself. She was running to her love.

Tasuki opened his big mouth again. "But I thought Miaka was in love with the emperor..." His eyes lit up. "Ah! Could it be a love triangle?" He was cut off from any other less than tactful comment by a driving force that propelled him into a nearby wall. I glanced at Nuriko who flashed me a quick, sweet smile.

"Shall we take leave of this jerk, heika-sama?" He glanced meaningfully at Tasuki who was rubbing his head and looking around dizzily. I nodded at him, turning away quickly from his penetrating gaze and smiling out at the darkness. We stood there a while in the sparkling night, leaning against the railing side by side and silent. I could feel his eyes upon me. I turned to face him but quickly turned away, after nearly losing myself in those deep mysterious eyes. Silence once again took us, but not the empty uncomfortable silence that needed filling. It was a complete silence in itself and I was content to just stay there, knowing he was beside me, but wishing... wishing I could tell him.

The next day came and passed. I was wrapped up in the daylight matters that plagued my position as emperor. The whole city was abuzz at the news of the gathering of the seishi and a decree of some sort needed to be made. And it was made, although it was a vague, sketchy decree at best. We were still uncertain, but our uncertainty would be ended when the night came.

Miaka went to Kutou with Chichiri. Tasuki accompanied them as well. Tactless though he was, he was brave, dedicated. I would give him that. We waited in anxious worry, talking amongst ourselves.

Useless. I felt so useless all over again.

They returned later that night together- Miaka, Chichiri, Tasuki- without Tamahome. Miaka had fled into my arms, sobbing, and I held her while she cried. He had turned against us. Our hopes, our plans, and our future crashed at our feet and shattered into a million small shards. Mitsukake healed Miaka's arm and we let her be. She was upset, frightened and she needed to be alone. We respected that and the rest of us filed away from her, leaving her alone in her room.

I retired to my vacant study and sat, resting with my thoughts, in the high-backed chair that had been my father's. I was almost dreaming awake when Nuriko entered the room quickly and knelt urgently beside me. At first I thought he might be a part of the dream that had been overtaking me, but such thoughts were abruptly cut short as he handed me a short note- in Miaka's handwriting. And he couldn't find Miaka.

I stood up frantically. "She wouldn't." I ran from the room, scared to death for Miaka, for my miko. Nuriko remained for a moment behind me. I assume he went to get the others, but at the moment, my mind was on saving Miaka. I reached the edge of the great body of water, screaming her name, not allowing the "what-ifs" buzzing through my mind to persist.

A shoe floated to the top of the water. Miaka's. Oh, gods, she was in the water. Without a second thought I jumped in after her. The darkness of the rolling waters were suddenly illuminated by a scarlet light as my ki gathered around me and flared. I saw her, tangled among weeds and unconscious. I scooped her into my arms and began back to the surface and back to shore.

The others were there, relief flooding their eyes. I cradled the motionless body of my miko, thanking the gods that she still breathed. I glanced up and saw Nuriko watching me, a strange mix of emotions reflected in his face. Was it fear? Hope? A wistful longing? For what, I could only begin to imagine.

Still dripping wet, I stood and carried Miaka back to her room, seeing her safely tended to and put into bed. I sat beside her, watching her, watching each breath she drew, until she awoke.

That was when it happened, when my whole world came crashing in on me at once. When everything I had once dreamed for, once longed for was brought before me, but I could not accept it.

"I can try to love you now, Hotohori." Her soft voice was weighted down with sadness and I had not seen it coming. I blinked, amazed. She... she would try to love me... I...

I would have given anything to hear that such a short time ago, but I knew it would never come, knew it could never be. And now I... I did not love her like that.

Nuriko. His face came into my mind, eyes so distant, secret, sad, seeking something. That half-smile that told of mysteries at which I could only guess flashed before my eyes.

And Miaka was kissing me. I do not know how it happened, but she was kissing me and I, shocked, unwilling to hurt her and so confused, was kissing back. It was a few moments. I do not know which one of us pushed away first, but someone did. I looked at her for a long minute, feeling so guilty. I knew she truly did not love me, but she had been hurt by Tamahome. I could not tell her I did not love her. I couldn't do that to her, not after everything she had just been through. But... my heart pulled inside me, wrenching until it was almost physically painful. I could not love her- my heart was somewhere else. I pushed her back onto the bed gently, bringing the covers over her carefully, tucking them in closely.

"Shhh..." I whispered, smoothing back her hair. "Sleep now, Miaka."

I sat beside her until I was sure she was asleep. Her face was so sad, even in sleep. I did not know what to do. I needed to talk to someone... and the name that came to my mind was Nuriko. He would listen; he would know what to do. He had to.

I stood silently and turned away from a dream whose time had passed and left the room, heading towards Nuriko's, barely aware of the late hour. Gathering all the courage I had left, I lifted my hand and knocked on his door softly, praying he was in.
 
 

I tossed the clothes on the bed, not really caring where they landed. I was worried about Miaka, and very uncomfortable in the men's clothes I still wore, humming to myself a song my mother had taught me long ago to calm myself. My sister had loved this song and it always made me smile even now. I was wondering how Hotohori-sama and Miaka were doing. It must have been rather abrupt on both of them to have Tamahome turn against us. It had shocked me as well, that Tama-chan could forget such a thing as his feelings. But I was certain that everything would work out. Love was on our side.

I took another pair of pants out of my bag and sighed quietly. I should try drowning...

You'd just end up drowning...

I don't suppose Tasuki had realized how much those words had hurt- because of the truth I saw in them. But I would remember these last few days with her with joy, no matter what happened.

There was a quiet knock on my door and I glanced up, the pants still in my hands. "Come in!" I called, wondering who would be up so late, as well as would knock on my door.

The door opened slowly, the frame bordering a tall shadow. "I'm sorry for coming so late at night..."

I'm sure my face lit up. I could feel the smile starting unbidden on my face, but I didn't mind. I was delighted to see her. "Hotohori-sama!" I then stopped. Something wasn't right. She was upset. "What's wrong?

She paused for a minute, hovering in the doorway. "I... I didn't know who else I could talk to..." Her voice was quiet and sounded almost afraid. "I'm sorry for bothering you." She looked very uncomfortable.

I gave her a little smile. "You're never a bother." I glanced around my room and realized that the only place there was to sit was the bed. Why hadn't I ever thought of getting chairs?? There was only the little one by the mirror, and that was covered in clothes I had to put away. Cursing myself silently, I gestured to the bed. "Would you like to sit? My room is in a sort of disrepair at this point..." I shoved some clothes off the bed, tossing them onto the already-piled-high chair.

She did accept my offer, and sat down on the place I had cleared. Her hands were clasped tightly in front of her. "Thank you." She was quiet a moment. "It's Miaka."

Of course. It would be. I nodded and picked a few clothes off the bed, turning to my closet and putting them away. "I figured. What happened?" I half-turned, looking back at her.

Her voice was still low, soft. "After what happened... she's given up on Tamahome. She said she'd... she'd... try to love me..." She looked up at me, pale, her eyes stricken. "But I can't... I can't love her like that... I don't want to hurt her, but I can't." She dropped her eyes from me.

I slowly turned my entire body to face her, trying to keep my thoughts hidden from her. This had been her dream... and she was denying it? Her love for the unnamed person must be strong. I swallowed, watching any chance I thought I might have had dwindle and vanish into utter nothingness. "Hotohori-sama... are you sure? Isn't this what you wanted before?" I moved silently over beside her, seating myself, and watched her. My heart was conflicting. She loved someone else, yet she had come to me for advice. At least she still valued me as a friend. I would be happy with that. "Maybe... maybe you just need time to think about it."

She shook her head. "Before... I thought I wanted this, but it wasn't supposed to happen..." Her voice trailed off and she didn't look up.

I still watched her. "The safest person to love," I said softly. "It's because of the person you love now, isn't it? The one of whom you spoke before."

She looked up at me, almost suddenly, a little too controlled, her dark eyes shining with something that I could not read in the half-darkness. "Hai..." I guessed that she had told few people that she actually cared for someone. That made me feel good, to know that she trusted me that much. But I'd have to be happy as her friend and no more. I couldn't afford to ask for more with so little time with her remaining.

I looked away and stood up, gathering a few more articles of clothing and placing them in a box in the corner. The maids would take those away to wash them. I then turned around, leaning against the wall, my long braid caught up in my hands. I twisted it silently a moment, watching her. "Well... what you do is up to you."

She nodded slowly. "I know." Her eyes raised and looked to me. "Thank you for listening to me... I appreciate it."

I met her eyes, my voice quiet. "Would you like to know what I would do?"

She nodded, her eyes not leaving mine. I found that strange, but wasn't complaining. "Yes."

My voice was steady. "I would follow my heart." I gave her a small smile. "I always have." My smile turned rather wry. "It's gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past though."

She smiled at me, her eyes a little distant, and I wondered what she was thinking about, but then her expression switched to very serious. "I think you're right though," she said, her voice quiet and open. "If you aren't true to yourself, everything you do is a lie, ne?"

I met her eyes again, my gaze unwavering. "Much of my life is a lie anyway." I lowered my eyes. "Except my heart. Perhaps that is why it is so important to me."

She nodded, understanding crossing her face, and continued to watch me silently. I didn't want to start squirming, but her gaze on me felt too discerning.

I sighed quietly and went back, seating myself on the bed again, but at the opposite end of it. "Do you know what you are going to tell her?"

She shook her head. "No..." She paused a moment, reflecting. "Or maybe I just don't know how to tell her."

I made my voice as gentle as I could. "What about just telling her the truth? Tell her that you are in love with someone. She'll understand. She only wants your happiness..." Like I do, I finished silently.

She nodded, keeping her eyes lowered. "I just don't want to hurt her."

I tried to meet her eyes, to convince her of what I saw as truth. "I think not telling her would hurt her more."

She looked up at me finally, her dark eyes almost scared. "You're right."

I gave her a little smile. "I know it will be fine." My smile suddenly turned into a smirk. "And of course I'm right."

She laughed quietly at this, her tenseness broken for a second. "Of course."

I studied her silently, seriously, for a moment, my mood suddenly solemn again. The moonlight was wafting in through the window, tracing light softly onto her delicate face, over her high cheekbones, firm under her pale skin, over her elegant lips resting together comfortably, over her rich, long hair, ebon in the night, trickling over her shoulders, over her dark eyes, causing them to shine brightly in the darkness, more full of emotion than I had ever seen them. My voice was quiet. "You really are beautiful, you know."

She glanced up, giving me a curious look. My eyes widened. Why had I said that?? Refraining myself from suicide, I forced my face to remain normal, or at least close to it. "Th-thank you..." she said, looking a little confused.

I gave her a half-smile, trying to cover my embarrassment. "Gomen... just a passing thought." I decided to switch the topic. No need to dwell on my big mouth. "Do you think what I do is wrong?"

She looked confused again. I wondered if I should start keeping score. "What you do?"

I nodded slowly, moving my eyes away from her. "Yes... my cross-dressing." I could see her out of the corner of my eye and the darkness I was in helped obscure my face. Her features were still lit by the moonlight.

She raised an eyebrow at me. "I'm not one to make judgments on that subject... but no."

I kept my eyes away from her. "Many people do. I mean, you have a reason for it, for yourself."

She kept her voice quiet. "There's usually a reason for everything."

I nodded slowly, and turned my eyes to the wall across from me, watching how the shadows from the trees and the moonlight danced over it with passing breezes. "Yes."

I could feel her eyes on me, studying me. She seemed to be watching my eyes, as if she wanted to meet them with hers. "I know it's a personal question... but what is yours?"

I looked at her for a brief instant, meeting her eyes at last, then looking away almost immediately. My voice was faint. "When... when I was ten... my little sister was... killed... in front of my eyes..." My hands clenched, recalling the helplessness I had felt.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her eyes widen. She was silent, so I continued almost blindly, unable now to stop. "We were so alike, Kourin and I, best friends, really. And when she died, I..." I stopped, taking my braid into my hand, playing with the end of it for comfort. "I became her to live for her."

"For her..." She looked at me and reached across the bed, resting a gentle hand on my arm, trying to reassure me. She continued to watch me silently.

I looked at her, surprise in my eyes. I hadn't expected her to react quite like that. I had been imagining more of a nod and a subject change, which is what had always happened when I was younger, to both my brother and myself. "Hotohori-sama..."

She just smiled at me slightly, a bit sadly, and shook her head, looking as if she had rethought what she had been about to say.

I looked away again. "That's it. That's my secret." I paused, silent. "I've never told anyone that."

She seemed a bit surprised. "I'm... glad you told me." She was still a second. "I'm sorry... if I brought back painful memories though."

I shook my head slowly. "I'm not sorry." And I wasn't. There was no one that I would rather tell about myself than her, the one about whom I wanted to know everything and whom I wanted to know everything about me. I gave her a small smile. "I'm glad it was you."

She looked a little thrown off at that, unsure what to say. "Thank you..." It was then that she seemed to realize her hand was still on my arm. I watched her pull it away, having relished her touch for the few moments that I had it.

I shifted my weight, leaning against the head of the bed, turning to face her, and tucking my legs beneath me. "And you? Surely the emperor was young as well." I tilted my head to the side, looking at her. "And has secrets." I flashed her a grin. "It's only fair... but I suppose your secrets are much more interesting than mine."

She half-grinned back at me. "My childhood was uneventful. Mother wouldn't let me play with the other children too much... in case they found out."

I nodded. "Seems logical."

She nodded back in agreement. "It was very logical, and I suppose it worked." Her eyes looked a bit distant again.

I gave her another grin. "I ruined that, didn't I?"

She smiled at nothing in particular. "Yes, you did." She laughed softly. "But I'm glad you did."

I turned my eyes to her, surprise, I'm sure, again very readable in them. "You are? Why?"

She looked away. "I can be myself with you..." She glanced back to me and her voice was quiet. "And you don't judge me."

I blinked, confused. "Judge you for what?"

"For being who I am," she said softly, "for being who I really am. Or for my secret."

I blinked again, still lost as to her meaning. "Why would I?"

"Because many people do... the fact that you don't see why..." She smiled that smile at me and I was startled. I hadn't seen it in so long, it felt. "It speaks much for you."

I watched her in the dark room, half-thrilled and half-confused, quiet. "Ne... Hotohori-sama... why Miaka?"

She smiled, reminiscence drifting over her face. "It's a very long story, I suppose... Suzaku no Miko and her legend... I heard it when I was still little..."

I smiled to myself, picturing her as a child. "I wish I could have known you when you were little. You... probably would have liked my sister. What happened then?"

She shrugged. "There really isn't much to tell. The girl from the legend... I thought maybe, maybe she'd see me for who I am... maybe she wouldn't care about my secret..." She laughed softly. "When I was little, I thought maybe she could actually be my friend."

I kept my tone gentle. "You had no friends?"

She shrugged again. "There was always Akito."

That name brought to mind other matters and I frowned slightly. "Why is he going around asking questions about me? Yumi said that he had asked her several different things a few times." The maid had come up to me this morning and told me, her eyes a little worried. She had given me specifics about what he had asked her, and I was clueless why he would bother.

I thought I saw her flush slightly in the dim light. "Probably because you know my secret and he's a suspicious old man."

I sighed. "I'm not going to tell anyone. But she said they were odd questions. Whether I'm a neat person or not. Whether I have good table manners or not." I'm sure my face looked as puzzled as I felt. "What my favorite color, flower, and dress styles are."

She shook her head. "I'll speak to him about that."

I gave her a quick smile. "I'm just curious as to why... that's all."

She nodded, looking a bit nervous.

I waited for a reply and got none, so decided to strike out a new topic myself. "You'll be all right... about Miaka?"

She nodded again, but this time gave me an answer. "I hope so." Her dark eyes still looked worried, but less so than when she had first entered my room.

I gave her a warm smile. "Just tell her the truth and you'll be fine."

She smiled a little back. "I will." I felt her eyes on me, almost studying me, a moment more. "Thank you."

It was almost uncomfortable, having her watch me that long, but I smiled at her. I think my face held that uneasiness in it, but I hoped it was hard to pick up in the dark room. "Anytime. I'll still be here if you need me later." I suddenly yawned and then laughed. "I might be asleep though."

She blinked, the realization of how late it actually was dawning on her. "Oh, I'm sorry!! I'm keeping you up!" She stood hurriedly, looking ashamed.

I laughed, a sad smile crossing my face. "Hotohori-sama, I'd rather talk to you than sleep any time." Especially now that it was drawing near for me to never see her again. I stood as well. "But you need to rest because you have to make important decisions." I gave her a faint smile. "All I have to do is decide which dress to wear tomorrow."

She shook her head slightly, smiling back. "In any case, I will leave you to rest now." She walked toward the door slowly, stepping quietly across the wooden floor. Her long thick robes concealed her body very well. I vaguely wondered if she had the curves of a woman, then blushed, banishing that thought from my mind. "Oyasumi, Nuriko."

I remained where I was, watching her graceful movements, almost those of a dancer in a dream, despite her heavy clothing. "Oyasumi, heika-sama."

She stepped out of my room slowly, turning back to glance at me once, her eyes meeting mine, and then the door was shut between us.

My hand went immediately to the place she had laid her hand on my arm. She had touched me, of her own free will. My own hand mimicked the feeling I had had, and I suddenly sighed, dropping my hand. Foolish dreams again.

I changed into my nightclothes and went to bed.
 
 

Nuriko's words still whirled through my mind as I sat beside Miaka, watching her sleep. Follow your heart... but I could not- not completely. I would tell Miaka, when she awoke, that I could not love her like that, that I could not love her as Tamahome had. But I could not tell the one to whom I had lost my heart that I loved him. Nuriko loved someone already. I shut my eyes, leaning back in the chair I had taken for the night, letting my thoughts wander. The cold feeling of uncertainty, of fear that had plagued me earlier was gone, driven away by Nuriko's reassurance, his advice.

He had said I was beautiful.

I had heard it before, people telling me I was beautiful, and it was true, but hearing it from him... Perhaps I was being foolish- I certainly sounded it to myself- but the feeling that crept over me when I remembered his words, was almost a blush... almost. I drifted off to sleep, my mind still clouded with confusion that seemed to center around that familiar smiling face.

I awoke the next morning to see Miaka watching me, her dark eyes blinking in the morning light. I smiled at her slightly and opened my mouth. I would tell her now. But a pounding at the door announced I was not allowed to. ”There's an intruder in the palace!"

I stood, my robes falling in a swirl around me as I did so. "Who is it?" I asked, although I already knew the answer to the question; it was nestled in a swarm of dread in the back of my mind.

"It's Tamahome-sama, the Suzaku shichiseishi!"

Almost without thinking I dragged Miaka into another room, shut the door and secured it with a large wooden plank. I knew why Tamahome was here- he was here for Miaka. He was here to kill her.

The rain beat down softly, unrelenting, making everything seem to be wrapped in a dreary mist. The world moved in slow motion. I faced my opponent, the two of us circling around each other on the tips of our feet. Tamahome had come back, but it was not the Tamahome any of us remembered. His eyes were hard and shone with a dangerous threatening gleam. He had come back to kill Miaka, but we would not allow that. I would not allow that. The others had gathered around us and they watched in silence as we went through the deadly dance of feint, strike, dodge, and strike again. The rain fell into my eyes as I brought my blade up to block his. He pulled away and leaped into the air, jumping at me for a killing stroke. Without thinking, I raised my sword and watched the blade pass through him. He fell, crumpling to the ground. His blood mingled with the rain water as he lay, struggling for breath. Miaka appeared then, running to her love despite the danger, despite the fact that he had turned against her.

And suddenly, the mark of Suzaku glowed upon his forehead, the same color as his spilled blood. I watched as the impossible happened. As though from the grave, Tamahome returned, his eyes normal, his voice steady, as it had been of old.

I turned to leave them as Mitsukake was bent over Tamahome, the healing light radiating from his hand. All eyes were on our returned friend, all eyes except one pair. Nuriko was watching me silently, his arms wrapped tightly around himself, the rain touching his cheeks, his hair, his lips. Even in the grayness he managed to shine with a vibrant brightness. A small smile was creeping across his face. Someone called his name and he turned away from me to look towards the others. Before he could look back, before I could be caught once again under the spell of his eyes, I turned away and walked to my room.

The room was growing dim with the onslaught of dusk. I had left the others in their rejoicing and come to spend time with my own thoughts in my throne room. The stiff back of the chair was cool from the damp air that had settled over the land. The creaking of the door announced the entrance of someone into the throne room. I glanced up and saw Akito coming, his straight tall frame that defied the stoop of old age walking towards me quickly, soundlessly.

"Heika-sama." He nodded his head in something that could have been mistaken for a bow in any other man.

I nodded towards him as well. "Akito..." His eyes were nearly glittering with something; I could not say what exactly.

Pushing back his snow-white hair from his face, he looked at me for a moment. "The seishi have been gathered. You'll call Suzaku soon, ne? Everything is coming together finally." He was being far too sedate, far too... unsarcastic. "Everything except one thing..." There it was, the exception.

Raising an eyebrow I caught his eyes. "And that one thing would be?"

He sighed. "You." His sharp piercing eyes looked straight through me, making me shiver. "Marriage, an heir... the emperor has to provide an heir to the throne."

I nodded vaguely. I had heard this before, many times. "I know... but, Akito, you know it is not that easy, I-"

He raised a hand cutting me off. "Yes, it is, Sai-chan. Nuriko-san. He-"

"No." This time I interrupted him, not letting him say anything further. My voice was hard, angry, more so than I could ever remember being with him before.

“It’s what’s best for the country, for everyone. You know that.”

“It’s not what’s best for everyone. Nuriko loves someone already. I will not trap him into that. I won’t.” I was very nearly yelling. How could Akito even suggest such a thing??

“Heika-sama, you would put the desires of one man over the well being of the entire country?” he asked, his voice rising as well.

“Yes.” And I would. If I asked Nuriko to marry me, he would. He would out of a sense of duty; I was sure of that. I was the emperor, he was a court princess. But I would not put him in that situation. I could not do that to him. Not to him. I…

“Why?” He stepped closer to me, looking me straight in the eye, daring me to provide him with some sort of answer.

I wanted to scream at him. I was angry, furious, but not just at Akito. I was angry at myself, because I couldn’t, because… because… “Because I love him!” I blurted it out, mostly without thinking, catching it only after the words had escaped my lips. I bit my lip and looked at Akito, expecting a shocked glare, a snide comment, anything, anything but what I got.

“I know, Sai-chan…” he said, his voice dropping to a quiet level, almost a whisper. His eyes met mine, a sad understanding lingering in them. “I know.”

My eyes widened. “You… you know? I… how?”

He smiled, ever so slightly. “The way you’ve been acting whenever he’s around… You kept the flowers he gave you.” He paused. “You smile more when he’s around… and it’s that smile.” He paused again, his eyes looking far away. “Like your mother’s smile…” He shook his head. “And you’ve been distant lately… always off in your own world- more so than usual.” A half-smirk began on his face, but it faded into a sad smile. “And just the way you look at him, Sai-chan.”

I watched him silently, the anger having drained from my system. “I… I had not realized it was that obvious.”

“It isn’t…” he assured me, laying one of his still-strong old hands on my arm. “But I know what a hidden love looks like… the secret smiles, keeping trinkets, using any excuse to meet… any time…” His eyes grew distant and it seemed as though a memory had overtaken him. “I’ve been there, Sai-chan…”

“With my mother?” I asked quietly, wondering what he’d say to that, wondering if he’d be angry, surprised, or something else all together.

He raised an eyebrow at me in question, doubt flickering in his sharp eyes but quickly disappearing. “Yes,” he answered quietly, nodding. “I… I know what it is like, but you have to believe me on this one, Sai-chan… heika-sama, it would be for the best to marry Nuriko-san. For the sake of everyone, some sacrifices have to be made. You know that.”

And I did. I knew that all too well. I was used to sacrifices, but I could not force them on others as easily as I made them myself. Still… Akito was right. I knew that. I did not want to accept it.

“You know it’s true, Sai-chan…” He squeezed my arm and stepped back. “Ask him…”

I looked at him for a moment, studying his old familiar face. There was such a sadness in his eyes, a sadness that I could not remember seeing before. I nodded. “Hai… I… I’ll ask him. Tonight.”

Akito nodded and smiled a bit, a smile that was neither happy nor pleased. “Gomen, but it truly is for the best.”

I nodded again silently as he slipped out of the room. I wanted to cry. Not for myself, but for what I would be doing… to Nuriko.

But the tears did not come. Mother had always said crying helped nothing, and I suppose she, of all people, knew that to be true.
 
 

The scent of the flowers drifted through my window on the night breeze as I pulled my nightshirt over my head. It was late, but I was still awake. The only thing there was to do, however, was sleep. I wandered over to the mirror, gazing at myself plaintively. Messy hair...
 
 

I stood at his door, just breathing, wishing I did not have to be there. Perhaps if I just turned away now… but no. If not now then tomorrow or some other time. There could be no escape, only putting it off. After what seemed an eternity, a minute or so at most, I knocked on the door quietly, waiting for him to answer.
 
 

I was brushing my hair at the mirror when I heard the knock on the door. I was in such a good mood, even if I was a little bored. Tamahome was back and Miaka had been so happy. Everything had turned out all right. "Hai, come in!" I called out cheerily, pleased to have a visitor to entertain me tonight.

The door cracked open and I glanced over, the brush still in my hand, my hair loose and wavy about my shoulders and trailing down my back. It was Hotohori-sama again. "Konban wa..." Her voice did not nearly match mine in cheerfulness.

I smiled at her happily. "Konban wa, Hotohori-sama! How are you this fine evening? You're not hurt, are you?" My brightness dimmed for a moment as I remembered the duel she had fought with Tamahome. It hadn't looked like she had gotten hurt, but they had moved faster than my eyes could follow.
 
 

I shook my head and smiled a bit awkwardly, wishing he were not so kind, so concerned. “Iie, I'm not hurt...” I paused. “How are you?” I wanted to laugh, but any laugh would have been bitter. There was nothing funny at all this night.

He grinned, flipping part of his loose hair over his shoulder where it cascaded in soft violet waves, like a waterfall. “I'm fine. You were so amazing today! I've never seen anyone move so fast!”

The smile crept to my face unconsciously. It was so hard not to smile when he was. “Thank you... I suppose my practicing paid off...”
 
 

I was excited. I felt almost like a child in my joy, but it was deeper than that. I was so proud of her. "And everything turned out so perfectly! They're back together and we have all seven seishi now!" I grinned at her then froze, suddenly realizing I was in my nightclothes. I nearly flew to my closet and yanked out a robe, hurriedly putting it on. I flashed her a quick, shy smile. "Sorry."
 
 

I smiled fully this time, slightly surprised at how quickly Nuriko had managed to don the robe. I had never seen anyone fly into clothing that quickly before. “Hai. Now all that is left is to call Suzaku.” Gods… was I really going to ask him? Could I?

He looked a little upset suddenly. “I... I almost don't want to call Suzaku...” His voice was soft, held down for a moment by his thoughts.

Had I said something to upset him? “Why not?” I asked quietly, watching him.
 
 

How could I explain what she meant to me? I looked down and away from her. "Well... because I have to leave the palace after that." And you, Hotohori-sama, I whispered to myself silently.

She also looked away, discomfort obvious on her face. "I think we need to talk about that..."

I blinked and looked up at her. "Talk about that? Me leaving? Why?" I had forgotten I was an advisor. Perhaps she wanted me to stay because of that. I should have asked permission first, of course, but I hadn't expected any disagreement.
 
 

I was still looking away. I could not face him. What I was about to do to him… “I... that is... Oh, gods.” I paused. How could I do this to him? I loved him. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him. He looked so confused, wide eyes questioning, so vulnerable, innocent. I sighed to myself. “Nuriko, I have to ask you something, and I want an honest answer, true to what you want.” I began nervously fidling with my robes, trying to take out my frustration on the fabric.
 
 

I noticed how uncomfortable she was and frowned slightly. What was going on? Worry started to creep into my throat. "Hotohori-sama? What's wrong? Of course I'll be honest with you."

She sighed softly. "It may not be an easy question..." Her hands were clutching at the fabric of her robes. "Nuriko..." She looked up, but not at me; instead, she glanced around, as if she feared listeners.

I took a step toward her, very worried now. "Hotohori-sama, are you all right?"
 
 

I nodded, looking at him for the first time in a while. “I'm fine.” I studied him for a moment silently.

He blinked under my gaze, his violet eyes meeting my own. Once again I found that I was losing myself in those eyes. “Hotohori-sama?”

Something like determination flashed across my face. I had to do this. Waiting was only making it worse for him, and for myself. “Nuriko...” I lowered my eyes to the floor, gathering myself together. A moment later I looked up again, meeting his eyes, my voice quiet but steady. “Will you marry me? It... it would work... but this is your choice, fully.” I wondered how true that was. I hoped he would say no if he loved another, but in the back of my mind… I knew otherwise. He was trapped.
 
 

I blinked, staring at her with a rather stunned look on my face. Everything suddenly fell into place, everything that I had refused to let myself see- why Akito had been asking questions about me, why he had suggested our compatibility before to me, why I had not yet been killed for knowing her secret, whether with her permission or not. I just looked up at her, unsure what to do or say. Marry??
 
 

I watched him silently a moment, keeping my gaze steady, but then I ripped my eyes away, waiting for a response of any kind. I felt horrible. Why had I done this to him? I loved him. I was trapping the one I loved, cornering him into a choice that I was unsure was really his.
 
 

My voice was shaky. "You... want me... to marry you?"

She glanced back at me and nodded slowly. "Yes," she said softly, and I wondered if that was true. She couldn't really want me. After all, she was already in love. This had to be Akito's work. It would continue the façade that she needed kept, except I would stand in the way of her dreams. She loved another. But then, she nearly interrupted herself hurriedly as she spoke. "But as I said, the decision is yours."

I suddenly felt completely calm about this. I had known it all along, but I had just tried to ignore it. My voice matched hers, soft and gentle. "Hai. I will."
 
 

I looked at him, meeting his eyes and nodded slowly again. His face was a mask but his voice betrayed him. It had not been his choice. He was agreeing out of duty. Duty. I forced a small shaky smile that was sad at best. “Thank you...”
 
 

I didn't smile back. I'm sure my eyes held the sadness I felt in my heart. I had waited so long for those words, all my life, but not like this. I didn't want it this way. "Akito-san will be happy then." I paused for a moment, looking up at her. "Will you?" How could she ever be? I couldn't make her happy, no matter how hard I tried, if it were not me that she loved. Everything would be a complicated charade and she would end up resenting me for keeping her from her dreams.
 
 

I watched him, seeing the sadness in his eyes and knowing that I had caused it. My own eyes reflected the sadness in Nuriko’s. “Hai.”

He nodded once, his voice serious and quiet, but too controlled. “Then I will be too.”

I nearly flinched, just watching him sadly. What had I done to him? I nodded slightly, vaguely, at nothing in particular. “There... there will have to be an announcement made soon... I do not know how the rest of the harem will react... Will you be all right?”
 
 

I nodded slowly. "I don't fear physical danger anyway." I suddenly started. "Oh no... I already sent the letter to my brother to tell him to prepare the room for me..." I looked at her helplessly. "What should I tell him?" Aniki, I'm marrying the emperor. Yes, I realize I'm a man. That wouldn't do at all!!

She looked at me directly in the eyes, penetratingly. "The truth."

I paused a moment and then nodded slowly. "I will then." My next words were sudden, seemingly random. "Chou Kourin."
 
 

I blinked, caught of guard. “What?”

Apprehension flashed across his face, centering in his eyes. “For... for the announcement. Please.”

Recognition of the name flitted into my mind. “Of course.”
 
 

I watched her for a moment, then lowered my eyes. "Thank you." She would live through me. Not that the emperor knew me by any other name, but I needed reassurance.

She nodded and stepped toward the door. "The gifts will be sent to your brother tomorrow. I'll leave you then..." She was half-way out of the room. "Goodnight."

My voice was soft. "Sweet dreams, heika-sama." I knew I certainly would not sleep this night.
 
 

I shut the door behind me, waiting to hear it click shut, and whispered to the closed portal, a soft, inaudible apology. “I'm sorry...” I walked away slowly, my feet and heart heavy.
 
 

I slowly sank to my knees in the room, silent and stunned, gazing at the closed door, feeling completely empty. Any trace of my good mood had vanished entirely. My voice was a rustle of a skirt, a rush of a breeze, a whisper in the night air. "Hotohori-sama..."
 
 

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