A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
The judge asks the man why he shot his wife. The man says she was sleeping with my best friend. The judge says what did you do to your best friend. The man says I swatted him with a newspaper and said bad boy.
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Mail An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
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A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis. "The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"
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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!"and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets?What kind of bets?"The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
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This guy was walking on the beach. As he was walking he saw a woman with no arms and no legs laying by the shoreline. While he began to walk past her she called him over.."Excuse me sir but can you come here for a sec." "ok , what do you want"he said. "Well as you can see why, I've never been kissed before do you think you can kiss me"she said. "Well alright, I guess" he replied. After he kissed her he began to walk away, but once again she called him over.."Excuse me sir but do you think you can come here again" "What is it now!..."he said as he walked near her again. "Well as you can see why, I've never been fucked before..Do you think you can fuck me?". she said. The man replied "Sure!". He picked her up tossed her in the ocean and said "Your fucked Now!!!"
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There was this farmer who had three lovely daughters. He wanted them to marry men who would do anything for them, so he came up with a test. One morning he took all 3 of his daughters out back to the barn. When they got there, there were 3 handsome young men waiting. The farmer walked up to the first man and said "If you fuck my cow back there you can choose any one of my daughters you like, to marry". The first man quickly replied.."No way man, there not even that pretty", he then left. The farmer walked up to the next man and offered him the same deal.."If you fuck my cow back there, you can choose anyone of my daughters you like, to marry". The second man replied"Well i dont know.....oh...Naaaaaa".and he too left. The farmer then walked up to the third and final man and offered him the same deal he gave the other 2.."ok..If you fuck my cow back there, you can choose anyone of my daughters you like, to marry". The third man thought for a moment then answered.."Well I guess. Why not" So the man goes in the back and fucks the farmers cow. When he returns the farmer asks..."So which one of my daughters would you like?" The man answers with...."Screw your daughters how much for the cow!"
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One morning the farmer woke up, got dressed and walked outside. When he got outside he found his favorite cow Betsy lying dead. The farmer was so upset. He decided at that moment that there was no point in living so he drowned himself in the well. Then his wife came out and saw her husband dead and drowned herself too. Later the oldest son came out and was about to drown himself too until a mermaid came from beneath the water and said, "If you fuck me 15 times good, i'll bring all your loved ones back to life." So the boy goes 14 times strong and on the 15 time, nothing comes out so the mermaid kills him. Then the middle son comes out and does the same as his older brother. The mermaid comes again and says, "If you can fuck me 20 times good, I'll bring your family back to life." So the boy goes 19 times strong, and on the 20th time, nothing comes out. Then the mermaid kills him. Finally the youngest son comes out and sees everyone dead. He goes to kill himself until the mermaid comes again (The youngest is about 9). The mermaid says,"If you can fuck me 30 times good, I'll bring all your loved ones back to life." So the boy replies, "30, 40, 50 times no problem." The mermaid says prove it. Finally the boy replies, "How do you think the cow died?"
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A BOY HEARS THUMPING! A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
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A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office. "Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So, to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job." "What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."
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A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked"Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick." He replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and saythings like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." "We do not use language like that here." She said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear orwhatever." The man shrugged his shoulders, walked out, waitedseveral minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear." He stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what iswrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it."
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A guy was accosted by working girl. She asked, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex, honey? Only $50" "Good heavens No!" he responded. "I'm married!" "So? What difference does that make?" asked the girl. "The difference is my wife will do it for only $35."
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Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy?' A little embarassed, she tells him that is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, 'Where is your sponge mommy?' Again embarassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. 'What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?' 'The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!'
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Just as mom walks though the door, little Jonny comes running over. He says "Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed..." The mother interupts him. "Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!! " When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to himand says "I'm leaving you." The father, bewildered, slowly asks "Why!?! What did I do??" Mother turn to Jonny and says " till daddy exactly what you told me today!" "I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each others clothes off and laid down on the bed...just like what you and uncle Joe did last summer."
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A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, 'Where's the rake?' She replies by nodding her arms like she can't hear. So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions. She replies by; pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast ,slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. He runs up stairs and says, 'What?' She says, 'I left tit behind the bush.'
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A seven-year-old girl barges into the bathroom where her father is having a shower. "Daddy, daddy, what's that", she said pointing at his genitalia. "Oh, uhhmm, it's a... hedgehog!", he embarrassingly replied. "Well, it's got a hell of a big dick", she snapped back.
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Two women are sitting on a park bench smoking. It starts to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets soggy and burns out. The second, however, unravelled a condom, put it over the cigarette, and it stayed dry. The first woman, liking this idea, runs out to the nearest Mac's store to buy a condom. The cashier asks her "What size?" "Oh, one big enough to fit a camel."
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A 19 year old girl was sitting in a church slightly whimpering when the priest came over to ask what was wrong. She said her boyfriend did something to her that was just bad to talk about. He said 'Don't worry you can tell me anything, your secret is safe' She responds that it's just too bad to talk about. So he takes her hand, rubs it and says 'Did he do this'? 'Worse' she replies. Then he starts to fondle her breast 'Did he do this'? 'Worse'. Then he pulls up her shirt and starts to suck on them 'Did he do this'? 'Worse'. Then he pulls her skirt downand proceeded to eat her out 'Did he do this'? 'Worse'. So he pulls down his paints and starts to screw her. He starts pounding her and asks 'Did he do this'? 'Worse' Worse' he asks 'What could be worse than this?' Then she says 'He gave me Syphilis!!!'
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Four men went golfing together one day: three headed for the first tee while the other went inside to pay the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he is so successful he gave a friend a new home - for free!" The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's." The third man not to be outdone, said "My son is a stock broker and he is doing so well he gave a friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man had finally joined them on the tee after paying the bill. The first man mentioned that they were talking about their sons and asked, "How is your boy doing?" The fourth man rather sheepishly replied, "Well, I'm not to proud to say that my son is gay, but he must be doing something good - his last three boyfriends gave him a house, two Cadillac's, and a stock portfolio."
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind? The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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A teacher walks into her classroom one morning and finds the word "Penis" written in very small letters on her blackboard. Looking around for the culprit, but seeing only angelic faces, she rubs it out and proceeds to teach her lesson. The following morning she again finds the word "Penis" written on the blackboard, only this time in slightly bigger letters. Once again there is no sign of the culprit, so she rubs it out and starts her lesson. This continues for a few days, each time the letters are slightly larger than the previous ones, and each time she rubs it out. One day she enters the classroom and finds instead of the word "Penis" on the blackboard, there is written "The more you rub it the bigger it gets"...
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A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's best friend when all of a sudden the telephone rings and she answers. After hanging up she says, "That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."
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A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"
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Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. Child: Mother, where do babies come from? Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Mom: Jewellery,
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