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6/30/2005 see i'm not moping
The summer has been pretty uneventful to date, I beat Tony Hawk Underground, and it’s about time sense I bought it at spring break. I cleaned the refrigerator at the maverick. And carried some mini’s into the building. I wrote a play go to words to read it. I am horrifically jealous of everyone who is busy this summer. My friend here are great And I love them all very much, but I feel so disconnected from them. And I miss everyone from Santa Cruz so much. Wow don’t I sound sad and pathetic. I’m not. See I’ve stopped moping. And have tried very hard to fill each day with some kind of purpose. I've noticed something else about waiting, you know like in that DR SEUSS book Oh the places You'll Go:
...for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or a No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting. Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.
or like in Waiting for Godot.
Didi: We'll hang ourselves to-morrow. (pause) Unless Godot comes.
Gogo:And if he comes?
Didi: We'll be saved.
...
Didi: Well? Shall we go?
Gogo: Yes, lets go.
they do not move
curtin.
What they hell are people waiting for, so many people waiting for their lives to get better istead of trying to make their lives better.
3/05/2005 refelcting vaginas
I walked in to Stevenson the Sunday before Vagina Monologues opened, looked up and saw my plot from “An’ Push the Wind Down”, looked down and saw that the chairs were set up. I cursed. I defiantly did not have the time to push chairs around to get my ladder in place, and it was just going to be me and one other girl. I loath chairs. The Stevenson Event center is really a glorified cafatorium, with the stage raised about one foot off the floor. The stage has a huge apron almost big enough to be considered a thrust, and often when people perform on it they only use the apron with the curtain closed. It’s a very long stage, long like I could play football on it. There are three sections of seating the center seating which was in my way and then left and right sections that come off at angles to the stage. It has primarily front of house positions, about 30 instruments, and a 24 channel 2 scene pre set board. It’s not a bad space really, it holds a lot of people and it has good equipment source 4’s and what not. It defiantly has its draw backs, but of all the colleges facilities I think Stevenson is boarding on the best.
Now as I said it was Sunday before the show, I had seen five of the monologues, and I hadn’t really talked to the directors. I had read the script, but aside from that there wasn’t too much to go off of. But then again this isn’t a show about spectacle. I expected that they would want some red, so I put in some high sides that I liked. They got a nice deep blue top wash that was already in place so I didn’t have to do much too. I pulled the cookie sheet gobo’s I had made for “Push” and put in my new contrasting cookie sheet gobo’s. Now these I am pretty proud of even though I really didn’t end up using them very much. The first one the “hard” gobo was the easy one to make and is just different sized 4 point stars, the second one the “soft” gobo is a group of spirals branching off of each other which took forever and a day to make. They came for opposite sides, so only if you sat in the middle did you see both. My original plan was to make four (two of each), but I ran out of instruments. Aside from that I had a couple of specials and five standard areas which pretty much gave me all the control I needed.
The tech for this show was exceedingly chaotic, we teched out of order the half the girls didn’t know where or when they entered. I was writing cues as fast as humanly possible just so I could get home to my bed. I spent a lot of time trying to make each piece of the show look a little bit different, I played a lot with intensity. Most pieces only needed one set look for each monologue, only three monologues had internal cues, because the directors asked specifically for it, but I thought they looked stupid. Almost off of the piece looked very realistic and neutral with just accents of color. There was one piece that was saturate and weird, it stuck out like a sore thumb, and by the end of dress rehearsal I hated it, but there was really no time to change things by then and the director liked it so it stayed in.
There was of course one piece where they wanted to use candles. Like chairs, I loath candles. I don’t like candles because when you hand one to actor you are putting the visibility responsibility in their hands, when they are supposed to be concentrating on acting, not on looking like they are in the Blair Witch Project. No matter how many times you tell them “hold it like this, (out in front of the neck) so that you are blinding yourself.” there is always one who looks creepy and stupid. I tried to add as much of my blue wash as possibly before the director noticed. But she did, and asked me not to bring it in until later and unfortunately the girl who couldn’t hold her candle right was also standing out of the light, oh well.
The Vagina Monologues is not a piece about lighting or costumes or spectacle, it’s a piece that with good enough actresses, could be preformed in broad daylight in the middle of the quarry plaza and would still have the same effect. I used light to tell the audience when to start clapping and when to stop, and which pieces were monologues and which were intros. I created something that complimented each girl and gave her a little world of light to perform in. That’s all, and I ran the board, and did roller crowd control.
1/9/2005
A new year hazzah, I'm finally enrolled in my long needed Lighting design class. I'm also in some insanly unneeded Poli Econ and the enviroment class
Liminal Space
I’m kinda spent right now. Let see rainbow is OVER its sad and good at the same time cuse I can buckle down and get to work. Or go home for thanksgiving which is really good. I got a B on both my midterms, and asked to do two shows next quarter and one in the spring so really I don’t have anything to complain about. Tried to write about my inner fear hatred and confusion about men. But I think I kind of failed only because it started to sound like some bad lifetime movie (are there good lifetime movies) and I couldn’t think of a happy ending that made any sense. Problem is I don’t seem to know whose fault any of it is. Or maybe it’s no ones fault, you could blame men but then you don’t make any damn progress I could blame myself but that just seems wrong. No one to blame so what to do. Have not had real boyfriend since Patrick, two years now.
Was actually social today, went to play in the after noon, and then went upstairs to play poker. Didn’t win but had fun. Improvement from reading Bridget Jones all bloody day, maybe will go to play tomorrow, maybe not.
11/01/04 SO here is the Plan!
It’s 7:27 right now, I’m really tired because I stayed Downtown last night in the coldest room imaginable especially with five people in it. I plan to spend the rest off all saints day, reading the Octopus Garden, cleaning, and sleeping. Tomorrow I’m going to work on my 60A project after section and then for an hour before rainbow. Once at rainbow I’m going to bug E.T. till he tell me something useful of the Louden Nelson, Where Rainbows show are moving this weekend and where I have to hang, Tech, and Dress, on Wednesday after going to my Lab. Sometime on Wednesday I have to go over to Leah and Leslies to drop off Leah’s shirt. I’m going to successfully study for Life in the Sea and HAVC and do reasonably well on both tests. I’ll get the plot done for Push, and sometime soon casually drop hints about how much I would love to be Board Op for AATAT (African American Theatre Arts Troop) because the thought of being taken away from Mimosa, E.T., and Don is too much to bare right now, not to mention Ray is the designer, and I’m in love w/him too. Which is good, had it been anyone else I would have been annoyed and angry. After I successfully pass all my classes this quarter and have a great holiday. I’ll take Micro Econ, Lighting Studio(finally) and French. And AATAT. And be happy. Somtime between now and the end of the year convince Don that he needs to produce For colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enf, Not that I want to be in it. And Not that I want to Direct it. But just cause I want to see it. This is my plan. For now. Subject to change without notification.
10/18/04 And this is why we keep the screen closed
Hey folks. I‘ve been feeling a little lost lately you will have to forgive me. You know how I wear my emotions, right out there for everyone to see. But words are harder. I’m not angry. I’m not upset. I’m just a little bored and melancholy. All is going well. Reading, Tests, working on the plays. Trying not to buy too much stuff on e-bay.
Waiting waiting waiting. For the stuff I already ordered to come in the mail. Sleeping a lot. Sometimes I feel like I go through the whole day asleep. But I don’t. Made steak last night, with out even knowing I could. Everything is ok here, the dishes aren’t washed but I think I’ll do them now. It’s really nice and clear outside right now. But it is supposed to rain tomorrow. I hate rain.
other dude we live with
10/3/04Route 66 is the devils highway
I never driven it but I know it is. Ha ha I’ve been inside my head all day my head and someone eles this is why I shouldn’t be allowed to read book all day long I turn in to a basket case a home sick undersexed basket case. Ha ha. It’s amazing I talked to Patrick yesterday on Aim. I hadn’t talked to him in a long time. I’m a horrible person. With an abandonment complex. Feel pity for me! What else Jon went shopping about bought too much food. We aren’t starving yet we are feasting off our summer jobs. Come spring maybe we’ll be starving. If were lucky. We beat Mario kart double dash yesterday, well Jon beat it. I gave up and fell off rainbow road too many times. A horrible driver with and abandonment complex. I was going to say something else I had been thinking about recently but I forgot, a forgetful basket case. Neeti has been working all day. Amazing. Really. I studied for a little bit. But I just can remember where these islands are. I can’t comprehend it. To me they are tiny specks. They are sooo much more than that. I need 2 more song for this c.d. what should I download maybe four more, it’s dark in here too. What about you? Some guy outside is smoking I wonder what he is thinking, I was going to take a picture of him but my camera wants me to change the batteries. Jon just whistled along with my music, form me head phones. How amazing is that. The boy smoking it wearing jeans and a gray jacket or long sleeve shirt I don’t know it has a hood his shoes kind of look like kleats he is turned away from me brown messy hair. And the people above us are playing games again. So much noise.
9/22/04 This all seems a little bit unreal.
If last year the week befor class started felt like summer camp, this year it feels like i'm a some kind of resort. I woke up this morning around 10:00 and had breakfast. made coffee and sat out on our beutiful balcony surfing the web looking at school in austraila. Neeti And Jon busied them selves making longer ethernet cords. Ha Ha what dorks they are, then we played some mario kart for a bit on the Game cube. I made jon and myself lunch neeti went for a run anthony went for a job interveiw. I walked around merrill called my mom . I had a rather enjobale time trying to find the post office in the basement of the enginering building. wich is a very nice building unless you are trying to find the stairs to the basement but eventually i got there sent karen her hat bought some stamps and then made myself home. Jon was playing some classical guitar in the living room where neeti was reading her book and listening to her i pod. lol for as much as they hate one another they sure are cute.
9/13/04 while you live your troubles are many
And so what can I say to you today. Not so much has changed. Today has been a quite day, a day I’ve spent mostly in my head. Which strikingly is a pretty nice place…today. Dragged Brian to Shelly’s party this weekend, he actually ended up knowing just as many people as I did, and different people too. Which was fantastic because then we had more people to talk too. The Band 8th day fall was amazing, really they were. Nick and Jamie were there from Shmimprov. And although I probably wouldn’t have gone if they hadn’t I refuse to be categorized as an improv groupie or Shmopie , honestly people I’m a roadie. That was September 11th. Before the party I watched the Patriot. Last night I skirted a September 11th poem, and successfully avoided and TV specials on CNN or the history channel I don’t know about you but I can’t deal with it anymore. Brian and I left kind of early as I had told Josh R we would meet up with him back home around 11:00 or so. Gah. We just watched movies after it was lame. We should have stayed.
All I have left to pack is like my duffle full of Sherrice type clothing and one storage tub full of miscellaneous crap. I was gonna pack the tub today but then I decided I wouldn’t have any thing to do the next day (forgetting that I have to go to the dentist tomorrow). And once I pack the tub I can’t make paper anymore. So I made paper instead. Pretty pinkish purple paper with sparkles. I wonder if I could sell it or make books and sell it. Alas. But its back to school in 6 days. I can’t wait to see my aunti, she got a snazzy new scooter. And as useless as school seems to be. I gonna try to do as much as I can this year and actually do some theater work next summer. I told Karen to find us some place to work and I would just follow her.
On a sadder note I and seriously going to miss babs. I miss her already. Gah! I miss Chipotle, Barbara. Also I would just like to laugh at the male population for not having the best timing. Oh I love boys. I think this is enough don’t you. Go to the message boards Karen posted a cute kissing this that everyone should enjoy.
9/9/04 Rebel
It's hot, I should not still be awake. But it is so hot. And i don't really know what to do at 1:40 in the morning except update my webpage. Oh web page. who reads you? Man what should i talk about.
I've sat here for ten min contemplating what to write about.
I think i'm gonna go to austraila next year. I can do some art history work there, maybe even a few theatre classes. :) wouldn't that be fun. I wouldn't go unless someone I know goes with me. I'm not that brave
I want to go to school, but i'm also kinda ready to grow up and have what i want. I'll work for it, i just don't want to be the kind of person who gets old not having what they want.
I'm worried about the elections. i'm worried about who america is going to pick. I'm worried that it doesn't really matter. I want other contries not to hate us so much. but we are arrogent bastareds mamybe i should just accept that and move on. sure we are nice people. but we also think we are the best. so bush or kerry the rest of the world proabbly still secretly wishes for our demise. i still think that for our own safty I would rather have push over kerry in there then bush. and i don't want the NRA to get any of them scary guns out on the streets so i guess i'll have to see how they both act. I know i should vote. I know i should vote for kerry. seeing as how much i dissagree with bush. Am i just brainwashed or in the dark. you can't trust anyone in poilitics or the news to give you anything but propoganda, i guess the people who really care about what gooes on in the country and really want to know the truth are in politics. so maybe senes they are the only people who actually know whats going on we should just let them manipulate us as they see fit.
burts bees is the best suff ever
I bought red green and blue 100 watt light bulbs yet they are not very bright. proabbly because they are covered in reb blue and green i still like them. but not as much as i would have liked them if they would have atcually illumnated my room, which is a mess, and i should clean, but also i should pack, as i'm moving in 10 days, for somereason 10 days seems shorter than a week and a half huff
And while the people sleep, too comfortable to face it
your life’s so incomplete and nothing and no one can replace it
oh no no no no no no no
and what I gotta say is rebel, rebel, rebel....
repent, the day is far too spent,
rebel, rebel
wake up and rebel
we must destroy in order to rebuild
wake up you might as well
are you, are you satisfied,
are you satisfied, rebel
Lauryn Hill / I Find It Hard To Say (Rebel)
9/4/04We only have one word for Love. we use it for so many things.
Summer is spent. just run dry. everyone will be back in school by the end of next week. It will still be hot, but it won't feel like summer any longer. Honestly, I want to go back to school. 14 days seems like a reallly long time to wait to get back in to it. after labor i Really have to get down to getting ready to leave as right now i'm too busy saying goodbye to people who continuously seem to be moving on. I want my second year to just start already. i'm going mad sitting around waiting. I still can't get over the way absolutly none of this summer went as planed. I almost feel like i should stop planning things. I didn't learn to drive. ever. I do have my permit. But i havn't used it once. I just keep on living off other peole. but just like in AvP my supply of human beings in dwindling. I need to get back to school where i can function on my own. or at least just with my aunti. Also I got my nose peirced, am getting my hair cut tommrow, and am having a BBQ on sunday. Alors! Barbara also moves this weekened.
8/8/04do me a favor?
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Train Lyrics
hopelessly
I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change around me
I'd tell it to your face
But you lost your face along the way
And I'd say it on the phone
If I thought you were alone
Why do things have to change
But you don't need my pictures on your wall
You say you need no one
And you don't need my secret midnight call
I guess you need no one
Is anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if it's
Anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it's time that will tell this tale
You're in and out up and down
Wonder if you're lost or found
But I got my hands on you
Are you strong enough to tow the line
Are you gonna make me yours
Or do I make you mine
I'm in and out I'm up and down
Wonder if I'm lost or found
But I need your hands on me now
But you don't need my pictures on your wall
You say you need no one
And you don't need my secret midnight call
I guess you need no one
Is anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if it's
Anybody waiting at home for you
Cause it's time that will tell this tale
I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why
Everything gotta change
