Till my body is dust
Till my soul is no more
I will love you
Till the sun starts to cry
And the moon turns to rust
I will love you
~ Lyrics by Fisher
He was going to be able to touch his lover, and Spike couldn’t get scared and back out. He had to let Xander touch him, had to touch Xander back, because Xander’s psychiatrist had practically ordered them to touch. Xander was giddy with excitement at the prospect. If course, there was still the mind-numbing fear that something was going to go wrong or he was going to do something wrong or Spike wouldn’t like it, or…well, Xander was scared.
He drove home, and stepped through the front door, heart beating rapidly. Within an instant, Spike was in front of him, concerned.
“Xander, pet, are you okay? Angel said you went to see the Doc and you didn’t wait for me. Did I do something wrong?”
Xander smiled reassuringly. “It’s not you, Spike. I had a dream, and I wanted to talk to Julia about it before I talked to you.”
“Oh.” Spike looked disappointed.
“It’s not that I didn’t want you to know, I just didn’t know how to deal with it yet.”
“So what was this awful dream about?”
“It wasn’t awful. It was…”
“Xander, I’m sorry, he woke up and I tried to tell him what you said, but he’s always been able to see right through me,” Angel said, coming into the lobby.
Xander glared at Angel. “It’s okay. Spike, can we go talk about this somewhere privately?”
Spike nodded and the two men headed upstairs to Spike’s room, and sat on the bed beside one another. Xander sighed deeply.
“So, tell me what your bad dream was about, pet,” Spike prompted, touching Xander’s hand comfortingly.
“That’s just the thing. It wasn’t a bad dream.” Spike looked puzzled.
“So why’d you go running off to Doc Julia’s?”
“It was…okay. I can do this. It was a sex dream, about you, and I didn’t have a flashback or anything, and I couldn’t figure out why. So I went to go ask her what it meant that it was a nice dream about sex-type things with you, and that there weren’t any flashbacks.” Xander peeked up from beneath his hair at his lover, who let a smile slowly crawl over his face, making him look like he was thinking evil, sexy thoughts. Xander shivered.
“Really?” Spike asked, sliding slightly closer to Xander on the bed. Xander swallowed with effort, nodding slightly as his face reddened with a blush.
“And what did Doc say?”
“Well,” Xander replied, “she said that it was normal, and that I don’t associate you with the abuse, which is good, and she gave me some…activity type things to do to make sure that I completely never think of the abuse when we’re together, and I think maybe we should try them because I don’t want to have flashbacks anymore but I want to…I want to…be with you, you know?”
Spike leaned forward and brushed his lips against Xander’s gently, staving off the rest of the inevitable babble. “So what are these activities?” Spike asked when he pulled away.
“Well, I mean, she said we should…that we would have to…she said…”
“Out with it, love,” Spike smirked.
“Okay. She said the best way was to, you know, gradually become more intimate. Like, we should start small, and work our way up till we’re comfortable, you know, both of us, like, not wearing any…thing, and together, and…yeah.”
“So…your therapist told you that you and I should indulge in some heavy petting?” Spike asked with one eyebrow raised.
“Well, sorta, I mean, I don’t know if we’re ready for that, but she said that eventually we could work our way up to, you know, actually…making love…” Xander said, whispering the final two words with embarrassment.
Spike grinned. “I like that bird.” Xander chuckled.
“So, do you wanna, you know, try it now?”
“Sure. What do I have to do?” Spike smirked, waggling his eyebrows lecherously.
Xander chuckled again. “Well, why don’t you…you take your shirt off, and I’ll take off mine. And then we’ll just, like, lay down, not touching yet, or anything, just…you know.”
Spike hesitated, then shrugged and slipped his black T-shirt over his head and laid down on the bed. Xander swallowed, his mouth suddenly bone-dry at the sight of all that pale skin stretched over taut muscles in front of him deliciously. The young man took a deep breath and slipped his own sweater off, lying down beside is lover. He took a few deep breaths and noticed that he wasn’t frightened at all…a little self-conscious, yes, but not scared. He turned and faced Spike, lying on his side, while Spike remained on his back, eyes watching Xander with slight amusement.
Xander sighed again, and stayed where he was. Eventually, he moved closer to Spike, and laid an unsure hand on Spike’s cool shoulder, reveling in the silky smooth feel of the vampire’s skin. Spike smiled reassuringly, and Xander shifted even closer, so that his body was pressed against Spike’s side, and his face was nuzzled into Spike’s shoulder. Xander frowned, thinking. Finally, he grasped Spike’s as yet unmoved arm and placed it around his own shoulders, so that Xander was still curled into Spike’s side, Spike’s arm around him, while Xander’s hand stretched out and grasped Spike’s opposite shoulder.
“Comfy, pet?” Spike asked, immensely enjoying both the closeness and the heat of his boyfriend. Xander nodded, not speaking. Spike closed his eyes, and they remained that way for a long time. Finally Spike opened his eyes and spoke.
“Tell me about your dream, then?” he grinned.
Xander blushed, but the cool, musky scent of Spike’s chest had him agreeing. “It was really weird. I dreamed that I couldn’t sleep, so I went into your room. You were in bed, but you weren’t sleeping. You were…touching yourself. When I came in, you stopped.” Xander’s voice was low, almost whispering, and the words he was speaking were causing Spike to be glad no part of Xander was touching the front of his jeans. He had a feeling that after they got up, he’d have to go somewhere and get in a good wank.
“Then I told you not to stop, that I wanted to watch you. So you reached down again and began to tease yourself, touching yourself slowly, and it looked so good…your eyes…your face…your body, moving, all that pleasure there for me to see…and then you said you were thinking about me, and I went over to the bed, and I leaned down and kissed you, and I put…my hand over your hand…and we stroked you together, and then you…touched me, and then we…finished, and then we kissed and cuddled until we fell asleep, which is when I woke up…” Xander said, his own breath coming slightly shorter than before. He could see the brightness in Spike’s eyes, indicating arousal, and knew that his own eyes held the same hue at the moment. Spike leaned down, his eyes holding questions that Xander nodded in answer to.
Spike stretched his head the rest of the way and nipped at Xander’s lips teasingly. Xander pressed forward, trying to get those cool, wet lips closer, and was not disappointed. Spike took his mouth gently, his tongue not requesting entry so much as teasing Xander’s lips. A light, blissful groan came from deep in Xander’s throat, and he sighed into the kiss. He pulled himself up on one elbow, bringing his top leg over one of Spike’s, deepening the kiss. Spike’s hands moved to caress Xander’s back, and Xander wasn’t sure whether to arch into the touch or lean his chest further down to touch Spike’s own. Spike held him closer, and he was able to indulge himself in both. One of Spike’s hands moved further down, low on his back, almost touching his buttocks, and Xander was hit suddenly with a few images of his father, touching him there (I’ll fuckin spank the fag right out of you, you worthless piece of shit! Oh, son, I’m sorry…you know I don’t mean to get so mad…now, let me make it better…yeah, that feels good, don’t it boy? Oh, yeah, that feels good…see that boy, how you can make your dad so happy, just take it like a good boy, like I taught you…)
Xander suddenly pulled his mouth away to breathe.
“Fuck,” Spike said, sitting up, arousal forgotten as he noticed Xander’s sudden change of mood. “Fuck it all to bloody hell, Xan, I’m sorry, I didn’t…”
“No, Spike, it’s okay, I just…I just need a minute, okay? I…”
“No, we should stop,” Spike said, miserable about the decision but knowing he didn’t want to cause Xander any more discomfort.
“No!” Xander answered, shaking his head vehemently. “No, I need to do this, Spike. It was…up until just now, it was so nice, and I wasn’t thinking anything bad, I could barely think at all, and I want more of that. I want to…okay, this is corny as hell, I know, but I want to lose myself in you.”
“That’s not what you need, or what I want, Xander.”
“You don’t want…”
“It’s not that I don’t want you, pet. You must know I do,” Spike said, standing up and pacing the room. He could have sworn that by the time this ordeal was over, he was going to wear a hole through the floor through to the lobby. “But I don’t want you to lose yourself in me. For you and me…I want…I want you to find yourself in me, you know?”
Xander was silent for a moment before smiling sadly. “I know. And I understand.”
Spike sighed and sat down on the bed again. “I’m sorry, pet. I hate that every time I touch you the wrong way, I hurt you.”
“I just need to get used to it again, Spike. I need to…you know, relearn it.”
“But in the meantime, I’m hurting you,” Spike insisted.
“No, Spike, you aren’t hurting me! He hurt me! He raped me and gave me all these bad memories, and it’s not your fault they’re coming back to me now! It’s not you! It was him!” The last word was spoken with such venom that Spike was slightly taken aback. Suddenly Xander stood and whirled around, striking at the wall with a solid fist. Spike jumped up as Xander’s hand went through it, and he moved to help Xander pull his hand out with as little pain as possible. When Xander’s hand came out of the hole, it was bleeding and tender, and he hissed in pain as Spike dabbed at it with a towel.
“Well, you shouldn’t put your hand through the bloody wall,” Spike griped. “Do you know how dangerous that is? Fuck, Xan, you’re a carpenter, you know there’s wires and shit in walls. What the hell were you…well, I s’pose you weren’t really thinking, were you?”
Xander chuckled ruefully. “Actually, this isn’t the first time I’ve put my hand through a wall. Or been scolded about electrical wires,” he smiled fondly.
“Really? When was the other time?” Spike asked, curious.
“When…when Buffy’s mom died, I put my hand through Willow’s dorm room wall. I was kinda, not dealing really well.”
Spike nodded and took Xander down the hall to the bathroom to wash the wounds out with water. He wrapped it in gauze. “You know I love you, right Xan?” Xander nodded and kissed Spike’s cheek. “And I always will. Till I’m an annoying Bob Dylan song.”
Xander laughed. “’Blowing In The Wind?’”
Spike smiled. “Yep. Till I’m dust. Just so you know. And I plan on making the most of this immortality thing.” Xander smiled back and kissed Spike again.
“Wanna go back to the bed? I’m kinda sleepy. I could use a nap,” Xander announced.
“Are you sure you don’t wanna…you know, alone?”
“I’m sure,” Xander smiled.
Back to Mercy
Next Chapter - "19th Nervous Breakdown"