Buffy stared at Angel, unblinking. “Excuse me?”

He walked to her, shifting Connor in his arms so that she could better see him. She backed away from him, matching his steps.

“He’s my son, Buffy,” Angel told her gently.

“You adopted a child?”

Angel stopped his advance, cautiously looking over his shoulder where Cordelia and Gunn stood smirking, while Wesley and Fred looked concerned.

“Uh, no…he’s my biological son.”

Buffy stared. “That’s not possible,” she told him, her voice stony.

“No, it’s not supposed to be…but you know…as well as I do…that impossibilities have a way of coming true,” he said slowly.

“You. You have a son. How…how?” she whispered, hurt and pain, mixed with rising anger, in her voice.

“I—we don’t really know,” he began.

“Whose is it? Who’s the mother?” she asked, her hands balling into fists and back again at her sides.

Angel took an unnecessary breath. “Darla.”

Buffy didn’t even blink. Her eyes died. He watched them, the life, what little of it there had been, disappearing. “Oh,” was all she said, her voice very little.

“It’s a long story, Buffy…I was going to tell you, but I wasn’t expecting you to just--”

She held up a hand to his face and he stopped talking.

“I need to…I’m-I’m gonna go home now. You don’t need me taking up another room around here, what with a ba—with all this stuff going on…I mean, I’ll just be in the way…but thanks…for the help earlier, it was…great to see you guys again…” Buffy said to them, her voice detached, and she turned and dumbly walked out of the hotel, leaving behind her bags and shawl.

Angel turned to the others, helplessly.

“Here,” Fred said, taking Connor from his arms. “Go after her.”

“Right. Go after her,” he said blankly.

“You know,” Cordy said sarcastically, “That thing you never two never do that might save all of us the heartache and trouble and the dealing with your brooding after-effects for the next six months.”

He nodded and ran out the door, sniffing the air to see where she’d gone. She hadn’t gone far. If she’d been thinking clearly, if her mind wasn’t reeling from this information, she could have lost him easily. But she wasn’t thinking clearly. She was, in fact, thinking so unclearly right now that she narrowly missed getting hit by a bus. As she stepped off the sidewalk Angel grabbed her arm, throwing her backwards.

“Oh,” she told him, hastily righting herself. “Thanks.” She turned and began to walk away.

“Buffy, stop.”

“I can’t, really, but thanks…it’s been fun, we’ll do it again…sometime…” she said, her voice far away.

“Buffy…stop,” he implored, taking her arm gently and turning her around to face him. “I’m sorry…I should have called you, I should have told you right away…but…it’s all happened so fast…”

Buffy stared at the ground, her eyes wide, completely disoriented, and said nothing.

“Darla just…appeared one day, out of no where…and she was almost nine months pregnant. I don’t know…I’m not sure how this is possible, why it’s happened. But my child…Connor…he’s human, Buffy. Human.”

Rain began to fall softly, soaking them both in a matter of moments, but she didn’t seem to notice.

“Buffy. Buffy,” he tried again, taking her by both shoulders and gently shaking her. ”Buffy.”

Finally her eyes snapped to his, vacant as they were.

“Come in out of the rain.”

She stared at him, green eyes into brown. Nodding dumbly she followed him back to the hotel.

***

“Man, she’s really messed up,” Gunn said, staring at the door behind which Buffy and Angel had been for several hours, talking.

Cordelia spared the door a glance, then went back to filing paperwork. “You would be too if you’d gone through all she has.” Wesley looked up, surprised at Cordelia’s sympathetic words. “What am I--completely heartless?” she asked defensively, then quickly added, “Don’t answer that. I just think…she’s been through a lot lately. Her boyfriend leaves her, and we’re talking Riley, not Angel now, her mother dies, she finds out her sister’s not really her sister but some magic lock-picking set, she dies, for God’s sake, and then she gets brought back to life, saved from some hell dimension where she was probably tortured. And this is all in just over a year. I’m surprised she’s not straight-jacketing it.”

“And let’s not forget she’s the Slayer,” Fred chimed in, shaking a rattle over Connor’s smiling face. “Which just sounds cool…though I must admit being a little bit lost on the whole ‘What’s a Slayer’ concept.”

Gunn chimed in. “Oh, good, me too. I was just playing along. But from what I can tell you, from what I’ve seen? She’s hella powerful. Sort like watching The Matrix in 3-D.”

Fred nodded appreciatively and Wesley interjected. “The Slayer is the Chosen One, the one girl in all the world who can stop the vampires and the demons that walk the earth. Every time one dies, another is called.”

“So, when Buffy died…was another Slayer called?” Gunn asked.

Cordelia looked up, interested. “God, I hope not. That just never, ever works out well.”

Wesley smiled briefly. “No, it doesn’t seem to, does it? But no, unlike last time the Council will not be calling a new Slayer. As we still have Faith, no matter how inactive her status may be, there won't be another Slayer called until her death.”

“So you’re sayin’ Buffy’s died before?” Gunn asked incredulously.

“Oh yeah,” Cordy cried, stacking a box of files on top of another. “Twice now. The first time, Kendra was called. That didn’t last long, but then there was Faith.”

“Two Slayers…two deaths…but, wait. You just said you hoped another hadn’t been called…that would make three. So…huh?” he asked her.

Cordelia leaned over the counter. “Ok. Buffy died by the hands of the Master…this is before Wesley’s time,” she pointed out, and he rolled his eyes at her, “and that called Kendra. Jamaican-chick, a little top heavy, army-surplus dresser,” she added disdainfully, “but a Slayer nonetheless. There’s never been two Slayers at the same time, ever, so this is a pretty big event, or so I was told. She stays in Jamaica, slaying, Buffy stays in Sunnydale, slaying and ruining my life on a weekly basis. Then Kendra comes back to the Hellmouth to help out Buffy, something I don’t think anyone should ever do, and she gets killed by Drusilla.”

“Drusilla. Our Drusilla-Drusilla? Friend of Darla, deprived of her marbles?” Gunn asked.

“The one and only, all in her freakish doll-collecting splendor,” Cordelia assured him. “Anyway, when Kendra dies, Faith gets called. And Faith and Drusilla had a lot in common…and I’m not talking about sharing the same turn-of-the-century dressmaker.”

“She’s a psycho,” Gunn concluded.

“Batless belfry,” Cordy agreed.

“You Sunnydale people sure do take on a lot of responsibility, don’t ya?” Gunn asked, grinning.

Cordy snorted and turned back to her work.

“What are you working on, Wesley?” Fred asked shyly.

Wesley looked up from the texts he had been examining for several hours now. “I’m researching the demons that have been stalking Buffy. She may not be interested in what they want from her, but I am.”

“Any luck?” Gunn asked, settling down at the table next to him.

“Only a bit, I’m afraid, and nothing too useful. All I’ve been able to do so far is eliminate the demons that can’t possibly be involved, judging by Angel’s description,” the Englishman sighed. He cast an eye to the closed door. “I need to talk to her.”

***

Buffy sat, knees up, against the headboard of the bed Angel had made up for her, a towel around her shoulders. Angel was across from her, seated in a rather uncomfortable chair, concern etched on his face. His earlier notion that something was wrong with the Slayer couldn’t have been more understated. Since their return to the hotel they’d done little talking. He’d made up the room for her and she’d changed into dry clothes, quiet the entire time. After she crawled onto the bed he’d taken his seat, watching her carefully, afraid to speak to her, but knowing that he couldn’t just leave her like this.

“Buffy,” he said softly, moving the chair closer to her bed. “You have to talk to me.”

Her eyes ticked to his. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry for how I reacted…that was stupid of me,” she said woodenly. “I’ve managed to make a fool of myself pretty much since I got here.”

“No…it was understandable. I’m sorry…bad timing, I guess. But I didn’t want to keep it from you…I can’t keep him from you. He’s important to me, the most important thing in my life,” he said, his eyes pleading for her to understand.

“He’s your son,” she said flatly. “You had a baby…with…” her voice trailed off, then her attention snapped back. “I still don’t understand. How…?”

He sighed and sat back. “Like I said, I don’t really understand myself. Earlier this year…I did something stupid. Really stupid…I…I was in a bad place in my life. Nothing was going right, nothing was worth anything to me anymore. I wanted it over, to die. So…I did everything possible to turn my friends away. I fired Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn. And I slept with Darla.”

Slowly Buffy’s eyes rose to meet his, comprehension in them, as a droplet of water ran down from her damp hair. “You tried to turn evil again? On purpose?”

He closed his eyes, ashamed, but nodded. “It didn’t work.”

“Why not?” she asked sincerely.

“Because it wasn’t perfect happiness,” he said bluntly, his words full of meaning. “It was empty, just like me, just like her. It was nothing.”

She stared at him for a moment before nodding. “Oh.”

“But somehow…through some mystical event…she ended up pregnant. And the child is human. A boy. My son.”

Even the stunned girl in front of him recognized the pride in his voice. “And Darla…she’s here?”

He shook his head, sadly. “No…the baby was in trouble, during labor. She staked herself to save him.”

Buffy’s eyes snapped up. “Darla. Darla showed compassion for someone else.”

He nodded.

“You’ll have an easier time convincing me that the baby is yours, a human child born to vampire parents, than you’ll have getting me to believe that,” she told him, but her tone was lighter than before. She sniffled and wiped at her running nose.

“It’s true,” he told her. “And now…here I am. A father.”

She watched him over her knees, the light of the bedside lamp glowing around her. “You’ll make a good one.”

He smiled gently. “Thank you.”

“But I still can’t believe you slept with Darla,” she said, though guilt crept inside her. Everything he had shared with her sounded like her life…a downward spiral…sleeping with someone just to make a change in your life…to feel something…not caring anymore…And she downright ignored the jealousy and the disappointment that Angel had had a child with someone else. That part of their lives was long over…and yet. The emotions were there.

He chuckled. “Yeah, well…you and Cordelia can have a grand time discussing that later. She didn’t take real well to finding that out when Darla showed up pregnant…particularly since I had sworn to her that nothing had happened between us.”

That struck a chord with Buffy, but she remained silent, averting her eyes again.

“But…there’s something else we need to talk about, Buffy,” he said, shifting in his chair.

“What?”

“What’s going on with you.”

She sniffled again. “I’m fine…really…I was just thrown a little by your announcement.”

“I think it’s more than that. What’s going on at home? You’re back from the dead, saved from some hell dimension. You didn’t look this bad when we met…right after…”

She gave a dry laugh and shrugged. “Well, coming back from the dead can be a bitch. But you should know that.”

“I do. You wouldn’t say much about it then…tell me now.”

Nervous fingers began to pluck at the comforter. “What do you want to know?”

“What you experienced…how you overcame the urges that Hell fills you with…what were your thoughts? It might help you to get it out, Buffy,” he said, leaning in and reaching for her hand. His fingers found hers and squeezed.

She stared at them momentarily. “Hell…yeah. It was…fine. I was fine. A little disoriented, but, hey, who wouldn’t be?”

He watched her carefully. “And after? You seem to be having a little trouble readjusting.”

She rolled her eyes. “Well, gee, Angel…it’s not like I came back and my life was just perfect again. Riley’s gone…my mom’s gone…I have no money. The house is a wreck, I’ve got bills all over the place, and Giles left the country so I can learn to grow up all on my own.”

“And now your father.”

“Let’s not forget him,” she muttered bitterly.

He leaned back, crossing his legs, sighing. She was being unresponsive, not that she should just open up to him. That wasn’t his place anymore, hadn’t been in a long time. He knew the news about Connor had hurt her…truthfully, since his soul had been returned, the only time he had regretted not being able to have children had been the years he’d spent with Buffy. It had been a fantasy of his, especially after he’d discovered his impending Shanshu, of finding her as he had on the pier that Day That Wasn’t, and making everything right in their worlds again. To marry her, to love her forever, to have children with her.

He hadn’t thought of that dream in quite awhile now, so busy had his world become.

“I’ll let you rest,” he said abruptly, rising to his feet.

Her eyes flicked to his. “Ok,” she said gratefully.

He gave her a small, worried smile, and left the room.

***

“Something’s not right with her,” his voice boomed across the lobby as he strode to the front desk where Wesley and Cordelia were reading through some books.

They looked up, startled. “What?”

“She’s…being difficult. Unresponsive.”

Wesley nodded. “I noted that earlier…though I attributed some of it to the shock her father delivered.”

“Unresponsive about what? I thought staggering out of here was pretty dramatic,” Cordelia said as Gunn came in from Wesley’s office.

“About anything,” Angel said, pacing, frustrated. “Like she doesn’t care anymore.”

“She’s not going, you know, all rogue-Slayer on us, is she?” Cordy asked worriedly.

Angel shook his head. “No, no…that’s not it. When she’s fighting she’s great, better than great…she’s at her peak-performance. But after that’s over…she shuts down. Nothing gets through anymore.”

“What do you think it is?” Wesley asked.

Angel shook his head, looking pensive. “I don’t know. She’s not telling me something.”

“Maybe you should call Sunnydale?” Gunn suggested.

“Yeah…call Willow,” Cordelia chimed in. “She’d know if something was up.”

Thoughtful, Angel ran a hand through his hair while he considered what to do.

“Or…” Cordelia started, hesitantly, “I can talk to her…she might feel more comfortable opening up to someone who isn’t…you know…her ex-lover who just gave her the news that he had a baby with another woman. Particularly that woman.” She gave Angel a look. “I mean, it’s no secret that Buffy hates Darla as much as we do.”

Angel looked at her, then up the stairs towards Buffy’s room. “Talk to her first, I guess. I don’t want her to think we’re going behind her back,” he said finally.

Cordelia let out a long sigh and headed up the stairs.

“I didn’t mean now!” Angel cried but Cordy barely spared him a glance as she ran up the stairs.

***

Buffy tried to sleep but couldn’t. The things going through her head wouldn’t allow it.

I’m a horrible person, she thought, rolling over and clutching the comforter more tightly around her shoulders. But before she could really get going on herself there was a quiet knock at her door.

She shifted and blinked at the light as the door cracked open. “Buffy?” Cordelia called. “It’s me…can I come in?”

Buffy sat up, squinting, and turned on the bedside lamp. “Yeah…sure.”

“Were you sleeping?” Cordy asked, walking into the room.

Buffy shook her head. “No…I’m tired, but I just can't seem to.”

“Oh,” Cordelia commented, looking around the room. “Nice room he gave you.”

Buffy glanced at the peachy walls. “Yeah…it’s great.”

The two girls fell into uncomfortable silence. Finally Buffy cleared her throat. “So…did you need something?”

Cordelia’s eyes met hers and the brunette moved to sit on the bed. “I just…are you okay? You seem sort of…out of it.”

Buffy sighed. “I’m fine, really. It’s just been a long…life.”

“Do you want to talk about it with someone who’s not…you know…your friend?”

Buffy cocked an eyebrow.

“You know what I mean,” Cordy said, giving her a knowing smile. “We’re never going to be bosom buddies, Buffy. But I can listen to you…and I can sympathize. I’d imagine coming here and finding out that Angel’s had a son since you last saw him would throw you just a bit.”

Buffy wanted to argue with her but found she just didn’t have the energy anymore. “Yeah…it kinda did,” she agreed softly, looking down at her hands in shame.

“I can’t imagine what I’d do if I found out the love of my life had a child with someone else…especially if I hated that someone else,” Cordy told her. “It’s okay to be upset. It’s understandable.”

Buffy snorted. “I know that this is a miracle for him, Cor…and I don’t want to take away from that. I was an idiot before…running away like he’d done something wrong.”

“But he did!” Cordelia cried. “He slept with her…her! And he lied to all of us…he told us nothing happened…and then…oh, God,” she moaned, catching herself. “This is my stuff, not yours. Sorry.”

Buffy gave her an even look. “I just don’t know what to do…what to think. Everything’s so different now.”

“Since you came back?” Cordy asked, interested.

Buffy nodded. “And now…all this stuff with my dad…and seeing Angel again…I didn’t think it would be so hard.”

“Well,” Cordy said, shifting uncomfortably on the busily patterned bedding. “ You guys have a lot of history together. You were in love for a long time, and you got an unfair deal…it’s not horrible that when you see each other things are tense. But Buffy,” she said, moving to cover the Slayer’s hand with her own, “you have to move on from this.”

Buffy almost smiled. “I meant with life in general, not with Angel…but yeah, that’s not the easiest thing, either.”

“Oh…well…what’s so hard now?” Cordelia asked, and Buffy had the sneaking suspicion that the brunette was actually sincere. “I mean, you’re not in Hell anymore…that’s got to be a relief.”

“Yeah…being back is great,” Buffy lied. “But I came back to a mess. My life is nothing like it was before. I’ve got Dawn to take care of, and money to worry about…Giles is gone and Willow’s OD-ing on magic and Xander and Anya are getting married…” she trailed off.

Cordy’s eyes flew open. “Xander and Anya are what?”

“I know…I couldn’t believe it either.”

Cordy sucked in a breath. “Oh,” was all she said, contemplating the news. “Well, that’s great. Good for Xander…although…Anya?! Really? Wow, those two hit it off well, didn’t they?”

“Yeah, I guess they did. The wedding’s coming up, this spring. Willow and I are bridesmaids.”

“That’s quick…God, Xander Harris, married! I hope that girl knows that she owes all that he is to me. I mean, it took months to get him whipped into shape,” Cordelia grinned.

Buffy smiled back at her. “It’s going to be quite an ordeal…the wedding and the marriage.”

“I’m sure,” Cordelia grinned. “And what’s this about Willow?”

Buffy sighed. “She’s gotten a bit too into magic lately,” she began, quickly summing up the witch’s latest adventures.

“Wow…you’ve got a bit on your Slayer-plate,” Cordelia said, letting out a deep breath. “But…we’re not here to gossip about Sunnydale news…though we will get to that later. Tell me what’s going on…you’re not the Buffy I remember.”

Buffy cocked an eyebrow. “You’re not the Cordelia I remember.”

Cordelia smiled smugly. “I’m sure there’s a little bit of her in here somewhere, so don’t test me,” she teased.

Buffy smiled back at her sadly. “It’s nothing, really. Just a combination of a lot of things that I’ve never had to deal with. Mom…Dawn…now dad…bills…I don’t know what to do with my life anymore.”

“Are you going to go back to school?”

Buffy shrugged. “I don’t know. I feel like I’ve been gone forever…I took the semester off when mom got sick, so it’s been a year since I’ve actually taken classes. I tried…it was…different.”

“How about a job?” Cordy suggested.

“All attempts at employment went badly, in a historical sort of way,” the Slayer confessed, playing with her fingers.

“And…your love life?” the seer asked casually.

“Dead,” Buffy said much too quickly. She tried to soften her words with a smile and a change in the subject. “I guess a lot of it’s that I really miss Giles.”

Cordy nodded. “I’m sure. I can’t believe he’s gone…have you heard from him?”

Buffy nodded. “He called to say he was in London and doing fine…just checking in on us, but that’s about it.”

Cordy watched her for a moment. “I think you’ll find your way, Buffy…God knows I didn’t think this is what my life would be like, but sometimes…things have a way of just coming together when you don’t expect it.”

Buffy looked up, surprised.

“I know, I know…hello Dr. Phil, right?” Cordy joked, smiling sheepishly. “But it’s true. And it’ll happen for you. One day you’ll wake up and things will just be…right. Don’t ask me how I know…I’m Cordelia. I just know.”

Buffy observed the tall brunette evenly. “Thanks.”

Cordy leaned in and squeezed her hand in one of the most uncharacteristic shows of empathy Buffy had ever seen. “Sure…I can only imagine what it’s like trying to get used to life on Earth after Hell…was it horrible?”

Buffy froze and Cordelia noticed. “It was…yes, it’s horrible,” she corrected herself. Here. Here is horrible. “Actually, I’m feeling tired now…I’m just going to go to sleep, okay?” she said abruptly.

Cordy blinked. “Oh…okay. Sure. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

Cordelia stood and walked to the door. Turning back she opened her mouth to speak, then thought better of it. “Good night,” she said finally.

Buffy didn’t answer.

***

“She’s really sad,” Cordelia told Angel as they walked out onto the patio a few minutes later. “Something in her is off, you’re not wrong about that. She misses Giles…things at home are rough and suddenly she has to be the adult. I feel bad for her. She lost her mom, then Giles...”

“Who might has well have been her father,” Angel finished.

“Exactly. I mean, he was a father figure to all of us in some way. God knows we spent more time with him than our own parents,” Cordy said, sinking onto a bench.

“But…” Angel prodded.

“I think it’s more than that. She’s…flat. Her tone of voice, her eyes. It’s like there’s no feeling there anymore, no emotion. Just sadness. And from what she said, as I pushed the conversation into the realm of gossip, her friends are rather busy with their own stuff. Willow had some sort of magic break-down and Xander and Anya are getting married.”

Angel raised an eyebrow in surprise but said nothing.

“I think she’s lonely. But…there’s just something else I can’t put my finger on,” Cordelia concluded.

The duo sat under the moonlight in silence, contemplating.

“I think it’s time to call Willow,” Cordelia said at last.

“Tomorrow,” Angel nodded, and they rose simultaneously and walked inside.

Chapter Six: Behind the Music
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