Chapter 8
Nick finished his set and made his way off the stage he saw Jana leave and wanted to follow her but he knew he couldn’t right away. He smiled to himself after thinking about when he did the song seeing the look on Jana’s face he knew he got to her.
After hanging out with a few fans signing autographs and taking pictures Nick finally got out of the club and was on his way back to the hotel. He knew more than likely Jana would be asleep because she was leaving first thing in the morning. He was disappointed he wouldn’t be able to talk to her tonight and he wasn’t even sure if they’d be able to tomorrow.
The cab pulled up to the back entrance to the hotel and Nick quickly made his way into the hotel with his security close behind.
He opened the door to his room slowly then walked in and closed the door behind him. He turned around and saw Jana sitting on the couch in a tank top and a pair of thongs. He swallowed hard as she made her way to him.
Jana smiled a little when she got closer then pushed him against the door and kissed him roughly. Nick kissed her back while his hands automatically went to her waist and then they started to move up and down on her back.
They separated Jana took his hand and led him into the bedroom.
"Jana-."
"Don’t talk." Jana interrupted him as she kissed him again.
Nick obliged and kissed her back as Jana began to pull his shirt up he broke away from the kiss to pull it over his head. He went back to kissing her as she started to unzip his pants they fell down his hips as Nick started to kiss her neck. Jana moaned as she put her fingers in the waist band of his boxers. Nick stopped her by taking the bottom of her tank top pulling it up slowly as she helped him. She leaned in to kiss him again as she slide his boxers down he stepped out of them and she guided him to the bed he kissed her as she laid underneath him.
They continued to kiss each other deeply Nick took his time kissing each inch of her neck then her chest then in between her breasts as he pulled her thongs down slowly. She moved her hips as he started to kiss her stomach then finally removing her panties all the way.
Nick looked Jana in the eyes she smiled at him and nodded a little as he kissed her again she moved her fingers lightly across his back and then around his neck as he kissed her intensely. He broke away from the kiss and looked down at her as he began to move inside of her slowly and then leaned back down for another kiss. She kissed him back hard as he began to move in and out of her gently and slowly. He moved his lips back to her neck, kissing and sucking lightly as she leaned her head back, moaning.
He began to pick his pace up a little and kissed her again their lips barely touching. Jana’s breaths were ragged against his lips. She leaned up and kissed him intensely when he quickened. Jana wrapped her arms around his neck tighter and brought her legs around his waist to bring him even deeper inside of her. She moaned against his lips while he kissed her. Her moans grew louder and he could feel she was about to come. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and kissed her as they came.
He slowed down and kissed her lightly then stopped. They laid there just kissing each other slowly then finally Nick moved out of her with a groan. He looked at her and smiled she returned the smile as she laid her head on his chest and he wrapped his arm around her.
Jana woke up and looked at her surrounding mental bitching herself out for what had happened last night. She looked at Nick and smiled he looked so peaceful when he slept. She looked at her watch and realized she had to be at the airport in twenty minutes. She sighed as she got and scribbled Nick a little note and then got ready.
Jana was ready in record time she called a cab and found it waiting outside she jumped in and it pulled away. She leaned her head back and sighed, her life was about to get even more complicated now.
Nick stretched his arm out and felt nothing beside him. He opened his eyes slowly and realized Jana already left for the airport after looking at the clock on the table beside the bed. He sighed heavily as he sat up and rubbed his hands over his face then looked around the room and saw a piece of paper lying on the pillow next to him. He picked up and the only thing it said was sorry. He looked at the paper confused; he knew it was from Jana but sorry? What did that mean? He sighed as he set the paper down and got up he had far too many things to do today than sit and stare at a piece of paper all day.
Nick stepped into the shower the hot water running off his body, he smiled when he thought about last night and how wonderful it was. But his smile disappeared when he thought of how he woke up and that sorry. Leave it to Jana to confuse the utter hell out of him. He chuckled to himself when he thought about how easy it was to confuse him though.
Jana got home and it was late in the evening, when she walked in her apartment she immediately went into her room flopped down on her bed and stared at the ceiling. Not really thinking of anything. Ok who was she trying to fool? She was thinking of something. Someone. A certain someone that she just left. She sighed angered at herself even more than before. She fucked up big time. And now she had to face the consequences, she’d just ignore Nick until he gave. Sure that sounded easy right? Wrong. She hadn’t to admit just because Nikki mentioned it but she was falling for him. Ok she already fell and she fell hard. Just like Jana to fall to fast, want too much, feel too much. Jana’s thoughts were interrupted by the theme song of Inspector Gadget going off in the living room.
She slowly made her way into the living room and dug her cell phone out of her purse. "Hello?" She asked with a tired voice into the phone.
"So how was it?"
Jana sighed just like Nikki to call at her most vulnerable times; she must know the times Jana didn’t want to talk because if she did her true feelings would come out.
"So?"
"Umm… well I went down there and he sang amazingly and then he directed an amazing song towards me. It had something to do with I’ll be yours or something making me cry. Then I left and he came back to the hotel room we were sharing. That’s about it. Oh yeah on more thing we fucked." Jana said pretty fast.
There was silence. Jana silently laughed she knew either Nikki dropped the phone or was in shock.
"And you were right I’ve fallen for him and made everything even more complicated. So if you don’t mind I feel the need to go lie back down in my room cry a little and wallow in my self pity because I can." Jana concluded hanging up then turning her phone off.
Nick sat in yet another hotel room that night thousands of miles away from Jana yet he couldn’t think of anything but her. He tried calling her that day she didn’t answer her phone and her cell phone was turned off. Nick wasn’t all that worried he knew she was there and he knew a million things were running through her head and he even know she was purposely avoiding his calls.
//The Next Day\\
"Jana it’s good to see you again it’s been a while. I was so surprised when Heidi told me you had an appointment. Have a seat."
"Thanks Clara."
"How have been? Obviously not as good as you were when you stopped seeing me."
"Yeah well my dad had just died I needed some kind of therapy."
"So what’s going on?"
Jana sighed, "I don’t know what’s going on in my head right now. I met this guy he’s so amazing I want to throw up, it makes me so sick just too look at him. Seriously I know no one is perfect but I can’t help to think the complete opposite of that when I look at him. He is perfection to me. I was my normal cheery self with him. My smart ass comments, my bitchy attitude, my distance everything and he still is intrigued by me. He still wants to know me then I go and see him in Tampa, I see him perform. He does amazing, and he sings this song. This wonderful song to me. Me. The chorus of it goes something like if you are a heart without a home, a rebel without a cause something then I’ll be yours. What the hell am I supposed to do about that? He made me cry and that’s not the first time I broke down my walls but it sure was the last. I made a huge mistake and I’m just so confused. And I know I don’t make much sense but right now just someone listening is great."
"So he doesn’t know anything about you?"
Jana looked down at her hands and shook her head no.
"Why not Jana? If this guy is so perfect then why not tell him?"
"Because I don’t know."
Clara cocked an eyebrow.
"I had a reason but now it’s just like it’s not good enough anymore. I feel like I’m not good enough for him. I mean what guy in their right mind wants an emotionally fucked up girl?"
"Jana." Clara said in a stern tone.
"What? I know I’m emotionally screwed up that’s what happens when you see nothing but fighting from when you were little that’s what happens when you see your dad murder you mom that’s what happens when you are sexually abused by your dad and then by his friends just because you developed a little faster than most ten year olds. That happens when you sit and wonder why everyone you love doesn’t love you back. So don’t tell me I’m not emotionally fucked up because I am."
"I never said you didn’t have emotional problems. So what is it? You don’t trust him? Or you do and it scares you more?"
Jana looked at Clara and said, "I do trust him and I do want to be with him and that’s what scares me the most. But what scares me more is that I’m scared to not have him in my life. I haven’t known him that long but I sit and wonder if I could go on without him in my life. I’ve lived most of my life without him and now just a few months of being around him I don’t think I can survive."
"What does he know about you?"
"Absolutely nothing I don’t even think he knows my last name."
"What are you scared of? Being hurt again? Or feeling something you’ve longed for since you discovered what love was?"
Jana avoided making eye contact and said, "I’m scared that I’ve fallen too hard for him and he doesn’t feel the same. I don’t think I can bear to see myself get hurt again."
"How do you know he is going hurt you?"
Jana shrugged.
"Exactly, that’s always been your weakness, coming to the worst possible conclusion you can."
"It’s easier." Jana said shrugging.
"Ok let’s go back to the perfect guy in a second. Have you been depressed lately?"
"No, I take the damn Prozac daily."
"That doesn’t mean you can’t feel depressed."
"Ok well maybe since those guys broke in my apartment I’ve been a little down."
"What guys?"
"I met these guys at a club one night with a few friends we were dancing and shit. I was doing my normal partying stuff you know tequila and ecstasy. And I started dancing with this guy and one thing leads to another he is trying to put me in a cab to go with him somewhere. Before I get in I realize this isn’t right and I walk off. He is yelling after me and shit. After a while I forgot about then he started to stalk me or whatever you want to call it and then him and his friends broke into my house and wrote nasty stuff on the walls, ripped up everything they could find, broke anything that looked important and so on. I don’t know why they did but I knew it was him. Ever since then I’ve been even more paranoid about shit and just depressed. I’ve cried more in the past few months than my whole life probably. I just don’t know what to do anymore about anything. I can’t figure anything out. I’m just so confused."
"It’s ok to feel confused and no one can ever figure everything out. It’s impossible to have everything figured out and know what to do about every little thing in your life. No one has it all together like that."
"I don’t have anything together though." Jana whined as she leaned her head back on the chair.
"Now back to Mr. Perfect, what’s his name?"
"Nick." Jana said with a smile.
"So you went and saw him perform?"
Jana nodded.
"You were happy while you were there?"
"Yes."
"Then what’s the problem?"
"I’d rather be miserable than be happy. Because if I’m happy there is no guarantee that I’ll be happy forever so I’ll be miserable again. So mid as well save myself a heart ache and be miserable all the time."
Clara shook her head and said, "Do you really believe that?"
"Yeah." Jana replied when a timer went off.
"I’m sorry Jana we’re out of time I hope you’ll make another appointment for next week."
"Unlikely I just wanted to talk to someone really; I don’t think I need answers."
"Well I can’t force you to come."
"Nope." Jana said as she grabbed her purse and walked out of the room.