Chapter 5
The car ride back to the hotel was in complete silence. Jana was mad at herself because of the things she said. Her walls were too far down when she was with Nick. That couldn’t happen. It wasn’t going to happen. She wouldn’t let it happen. She’d just have to be a bigger bitch around him. That was the only choice.
"Jana?" Nick asked breaking the silence.
Jana didn’t respond she was too deep in thought to start talking to Nick.
Nick continued, "I just wanted to apologize you didn’t want to tell me and I should have just accepted that. But, I’m just nosey like that and I wanted to know. I want to know you. I really like you. God only knows why but I do." He said as the car came to a stoplight.
Jana looked at Nick searching his eyes for something. She didn’t know why but she couldn’t look away from his eyes. They were so blue. She could stare at them forever. Before Jana realized what she was doing she leaned over and kissed Nick passionately. Her mind was screaming at her to stop but her heart was encouraging her. They separated Nick smiled at her and continued the drive back to the hotel. Jana let it sink what she did. She got even madder at herself. She was doing it again she was listening to her heart again and that always led her into trouble no matter what. What was it about Nick? What was it about him that made her forget everything? That she just left her walls down to let Nick in a little. What was he doing to her?
When they got to the hotel Jana didn’t even wait for Nick to turn the car off, as soon as it stopped she jumped out and made her way to the hotel entrance. She couldn’t be around Nick anymore. She wouldn’t allow it. He was doing something to her; maybe it really wasn’t the fact that he was doing something. It was that Jana felt so comfortable around him and safe she could tell him anything and open up and she hadn’t felt that in so long. She didn’t want to go there again. Because once her secrets were revealed he’d be gone. She knew it, how could she explain it to him though?
"Jana." Nick said as he tried to catch up with her.
"Yeah?"
"I’m sorry."
"Why? No need to apologize again."
"I just felt like I should."
"Why?"
Nick shrugged as the elevator opened and he grinned at Jana. She couldn’t help but smile back at him.
"I really want to get to know you. I want to know everything about you."
"No you don’t."
"What? I wouldn’t have said that if I didn’t."
"Nick you don’t understand."
"I know that’s why I want to know you."
Jana just shook her head and leaned against the wall.
Nick was about to say something but the elevator stopped and Jana quickly got off. Nick debated on going after her but he decided against it. He knew he would get through to her sooner or later. No matter what he wanted in, even if it was just friends some how he knew that he’d be good if Jana was in his life. That just scared him more than anything because he’d never wanted someone in his life so much, especially someone he’d only known for a week.
Jana walked into her hotel room almost moping but she really didn’t know why. Her life was so confusing. Jana walked into the Nikki’s room without knocking and found Nikki and AJ engrossed in some activity. She quickly turned around without them noticing and made her way to her part of the room to crash. Today was so confusing and just so tiring for Jana sleep was about the only thing she could think of now. Well the only thing she wanted to think of. If she thought of sleep and nothing but sleep then her mind wouldn’t wander off to Nick and thoughts of Nick equaled bad thoughts.
"I really don’t want to leave but I need to get back to work and shit." Nikki said a week and a half later as her and Jana sat in Jana’s apartment.
"What about A.J?"
"Were going to try the long distance thing for a while I really don’t know. Maybe I could move out here I really like him."
Jana smiled.
"Talk to Nick?"
"You know he’s called almost everyday this week reminding me he is leaving tomorrow to go the Europe for a while."
"And what did you say?"
"Hung up on him a few times and then told him I didn’t really care."
"Why are you like this with him? Why not let him in?"
Jana sighed and then shrugged as someone knocked on the door. Nikki jumped up and answered it.
"Hi." She said as she gave A.J a peck on the cheek.
Jana rolled her eyes.
"I’m here to say good bye to you Nikki since you are going to leave tonight and Jana Nick sends his love."
"I bet he does." Jana mumbled.
"I wish I could go to the airport with you." A.J said to Nikki while she got ready to leave.
"It’s ok."
"Ok well I’m going to head out."
"Ok." Nikki said as she gave him a kiss.
"Call me when you get home."
Nikki nodded as he walked out.
"Bye Jana."
"A.J are you going to see Nick?"
"Why yes I am."
"Can you give him this?" Jana asked handing him an envelope.
He looked at it then at her and smiled and headed out the door. Jana sighed and wondered if she was doing the right thing or not.
A.J sat in the cab staring at the envelope Jana gave him and tried his hardest to fight the urge to open the damn thing. He was so nosey he wanted to know what was in there. It was hard and shaped like a CD. He shrugged it off as the cab pulled up to the hotel Nick was at.
"Hey A.J." Nick said as he let A.J in the hotel room.
"Your girl wanted me to give you this." AJ said as he handed Nick the envelope. Nick looked at curiously and put it on his backpack.
"I’ll open it later."
"Ok well I bet you got a lot of shit to do I just wanted to say bye and all that. Have a safe flight and don’t miss your girl too much now."
Nick rolled his eyes and said, "I’m about to give up on her."
"Why?"
"I’m not getting anywhere. I was so sure I was going to be able to get somewhere after a while but it’s not working."
"Well you do what you gotta do."
"Yeah."
"See you later man."
"Ok." Nick said as AJ left the hotel room leaving Nick staring at the envelope.
Jana got back from the airport crying she didn’t know why she was crying she hated crying. It wasn’t like she’d never see Nikki again she knew that she was coming back even debating on moving here. Jana flopped down on her couch letting her mind wander to Nick. Did he open the envelope? What was he doing right now? Was he thinking about her like she was thinking about?
"Stop it Jana." Jana said to herself as she got up and headed to bed.
//The Next Day\\
Nick sat on the plane staring at the still unopened envelope. It was like he was scared of what was in there. No, it wasn’t like he was scared. He was scared. He didn’t know if he really wanted to know what was in there.
Nick sighed heavily and finally gathered enough strength to open it. He pulled out a piece of paper and a CD. He looked at them oddly. He opened the paper up first.
Jana
All the weakness inside of me
I’m so scared of letting go
That the pain I’ve hid will show
But I’m afraid that if I start to
I’ll never stop
You belong in my life
I love the hope
I see in your eyes
For you I would fly
At least I would try
For you I’ll take
The last flight out
You will leave
As my secrets
Have been revealed
In my dreams
You’ll always stay
Every breathing moment from now
But I’m afraid if I start to
I’ll never stop
You belong in my life
I love the hope
I see in your eyes
For you I would fly
At least I would try
For you I’ll take
The last flight out
The truth no more
I let you wait too long
Although it’s hard and scares me so
A life without you scares me more
//Later that Night\\
There’s always a song; I’m not sure if you’ll understand this but there’s a song to explain everything, in my eyes at least. I hope you get the explanation this song holds, since my subtle ways aren’t working at getting rid of you. Just kidding. Just listen to number 8.
Nick reread the letter and was still confused so he opened the CD case and put the CD in his player. He quickly hit the skip button to number eight and listened as the soft music filled his ears then the lead singer began.
I’m so scared that you will see
He listened to the words intently. She said this song was an explanation. So this was how she felt? Was she finally letting him know her? He listened some more.
I know you want to hear me speak
That part hit it right on the nose. He wanted her to talk about herself he wanted to know her. He didn’t care if she went on he just wanted to know her.
I want you to know
Nick sat up in his seat skipping back a little to hear the last part of the chorus again. Did he hear it right? Those were some powerful words. Did she really feel this way? She couldn’t really, could she?
I’m afraid that
I know you want to hear me speak
I want you to know
I cannot hold back
The chorus repeated one last time and Nick sat there deep in thought. So this was really how she felt? It didn’t all make sense and he really didn’t understand but he knew now that he wasn’t about to give up on her.