The Potato Patch

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade
his potato Garden but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have
helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
mentioned his predicament.

"Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison."

Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram,

"FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden!
That's where I buried the GUNS!"


At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and
local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding
any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son
telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply:

"Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I
could do for you at this time."

Marriage In Heaven

On the way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple finds themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Pete to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Pete shows up they ask him.

St. Pete says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.....for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF that they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered," Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Pete finally returns looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great" said the couple, "but we were wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Pete, red faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH COME ON !" St. Pete Shouts, it took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Ole and Lena's Date

Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.

When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena,
vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her gray curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!"

Fence in Hell

God and Satan decided to erect a fence separating Heaven and Hell. God faithfully maintained the Heaven side of the fence, but Satan did nothing on the Hell side. Time and time again God asked Satan to do his share. Finally in exasperation, God threatens to sue. Satan laughs and says, "Where are you going to get a lawyer?

One Liners

How is Osama bin Laden like Bill Clinton? Neither sleeps in the same place two nights in a row.

Did you hear about the sheep that ran off of cliff?...It did not see ewe turn.