Mike Nelson of Mystery Science Theater 3000 Reviews:

The Postman / Waterworld

The cheese rolls on
The Postman “Dances With Wolves” is one of the finest movies ever made. Kevin Costner captured the beauty and majesty of the American west in ways that few Hollywood movies ever have. Unfortunately, he also made two of the cheesiest and most expensive drive-in fliks in recent years…
Now here's Mike Nelson:

The Postman, directed by and starring Kevin Costner, see him as yet another grizzled loner trying to make sense of a world without order. Thankfully, the film doesn’t open with the aforementioned grizzled loner distilling and drinking his own urine, as in Waterworld. Though you may be driven to such extremes if you attempt to view the film in one sitting, without pausing to get up for a root beer. It’s a very long film.

“Costner plays a wandering actor who makes a few nickels by presenting scenes from Shakespeare with his ass. His donkey, that is, though it really doesn’t make a difference. He is shanghaied into the army of the Evil Guy (whatever his name is), played by Will Patton. But he then escapes and begins bringing hope to the hopeless by delivering their letters, old J. Crew catalogues and coupons for free oil changes. Jammed into the plot is a weak romance between Costner and Some Woman (I don’t remember her name either) played by Olivia Williams. This was put into the plot so that Costner could have scenes of himself making love to a beautiful and talented British actress. Someday I hope to direct and star in a project I’m developing called Mike Nelson Loves All The Lovely Ladies. I’ll star, if that’s okay, and my costars will be Salma Hayek, Winona Ryder, Cameron Diaz, Olivia Williams, and Natalie Imbruglia for good measure.

“The picture quality of The Postman DVD is terrific, whether you care or not, and the sound is quite good, though the extras are fairly worthless. There’s a small documentary on the making of the film, a cast list with bios, and my favorite, the recommendations: If you liked The Postman, you’ll also like Demolition Man and Sphere. I don’t doubt it. However, if you liked The Postman, you might also enjoy a nine-hour couch flight with a small child kicking your seat the entire way. At least these recommendations are fairly truthful. Normally, they’re of little help: “If you enjoyed Sinbad’s First Kid, you’ll also enjoy Bergman’s Through A Glass Darkly.
Despite my reservations about The Postman, I’m fully enthusiastic about DVD and its possibilities.”

WaterworldWaterworld (sometimes referred to as Fishtar or Kevin’s Gate) is a fine kettle of fish that never disappoints with its incompetence. Costner stars as Gorton of Gloucester, and Jeanne Tripplehorn as Mrs. Paul, in a futuristic tale that takes place after the polar ice caps have melted. Annoying men who sound like Popeye (the Smokers, because you see, they smoke) chase after the hateful, misogynist Costner on jet-skis. One need only go to the Wisconsin Dells to see annoying men on jet-skis. I could have made the movie for the price of filmstock and a couple of tickets to Tommy Bartlett’s Water Show.

Dennis Hopper is the leader of the Smokers, and with every frame convinces me that someone has got to take his pot away. He’s got to be over 50, and that’s just too old to be inhabiting the resiny world of “pinch hits” and “the munchies.” He probably still laughs every time he thinks of Cheech and Chong doing their classic “Dave’s Not Here, Man” routine. Soon he’ll be over at McCartney’s house, stuffing towels under the door and listening to old Head East albums.

Waterworld is not good. It will make you headachey. If you must watch it, wait until an hour after eating. Wear polarized glasses, and use a high SPF sunscreen. . .

Before you go around spreading the bad news about this film, take an evening. Close the shades. Turn down the company of good friends. Shut that annoying book. Get into your boxer shorts or town housecoat. Don’t answer the phone. Eat a whole pizza right off the couch cushions. Pop in Hello Again with Shelly Long and Corbin Bernsen.
There. Ahhhhhh.”

This movie can now be viewed in your very own home! See Monstervision page for time & date if showing this week.

"The Postman" availabilty on video and on DVD from Amazon.com

"Waterworld" availabilty on video and on DVD from Amazon.com

Books by Michael Nelson available from Amazon.com include Movie Megacheese. Mike's episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 are available from Amazon.com on both video and on DVD, and he co-wrote the MST3000 book

The last time I checked they had several used copies of Megacheese for sale. I won't sell you my copy. Don't even ask. I haven't read the Jackie Chan chapter yet, or even the Van Damme chapter and you know how much I like Van Dammege. "The Muscles from Brussels. Kick boxer. Actor. Restauranteur. Dumber than a bag of hammers...Makes Steven Seagal look like Richard Burbage." Well ok, I did read the intro to the Van Damme chapter...

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"Whatever I want, I get. But how my career has gone is a mystery to people." - Kevin Costner (1989)

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© 2000 Michael J. Nelson. All rights reserved, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles & reviews.
Mike Nelson is no relation to Lloyd Bridges and has never run low on air while hunting around under the sea.