Monstervision Host Segments for

Somewhere In Time (1979)


Okay. [sighing] Well. I guess we have to suck it up and do this. Our movie tonight is . . . "Somewhere in Time." DON'T throw anything at me, okay? Were they showing ice skating on TNT tonight? Every time they show ice skating, we get a chick flick. But I don't think it's ever been this bad. Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour in the movie that has caused more divorces than any film in America. Women WON'T GIVE UP THE REMOTE when this movie is on. Okay, let's be positive. The great romantic fantasy, "Somewhere in Time," and then later on tonight the touchy-feely psychological horror flick, "The Fear," with Wes Craven as the friendly nieghborhood shrink. I really wish someone could explain --
SUMMER [enters]: Knock knock!
Uh, can I help you? And might I say that I hope your answer is yes?
SUMMER: I'm Miss Verona's dog walker. Muffin!! Have you seen Muffin? She's usually all over me when I come in.
Intelligent pooch.
SUMMER: [cell phone rings] Excuse me. Hello? Oh, hi, Ms Henner. Yeah, I took Bear out about an hour ago. Okay! Bye! [hangs up] Marylou Henner. She's another one of my clients. Don't let her catch you eating junk food. You must be Joe Bob. Miss Verona's told me all about you.
Great. And you are?
SUMMER: Summer. Summer Day.
Oh right. The daughter of Doris Day, right?
SUMMER: No. No relation. Everybody thinks that, though. Are you gonna watch one of your scary movies?
Yeah, this is the ultimate scary movie. "Somewhere in Time."
SUMMER: I LOVE "Somewhere in Time."
You've seen it?
SUMMER: Thirty-two times! Can I watch it with you? The rave I'm going to doesn't start until 4 a.m.
Uh, lemme think about that. Yes.
SUMMER: Excellent! [she plops down and takes a huge box of Kleenex, bunny slippers and bonbons out of her bag]
What about Muffin?
SUMMER: She can wait till the commercial.
All right, lemme do the drive-in totals real quick.

One dead body.
No breasts.
Hypnotic time travel.
Romantic strolling montage.
A little roughing up.
Victorian aardvarking.
Gratuitous Rachmaninoff. One star.

SUMMER: Four stars!
You're gonna have to explain this one to me, Summer.
SUMMER: Shh, it's starting.
Are you gonna get all weepy and vulnerable?

"SOMEWHERE IN TIME" Commercial Break #1

[Joe Bob looks at Summer doubtfully]
He stares at an old picture in a musty museum and becomes obsessed like a maniac.
SUMMER: He's in love! It's, like, magic!
He's in love with a creepy old lady who STALKS HIM at his play opening and freaks everybody out when she gives him that watch. Some GUY is gonna say, "Oooooo babeeee, you're all wrinkled up and hunched over now, but I'll bet 60 years ago you were a hot little number, and I WANT me some of that!"

SUMMER: [getting up] Well, jeez, if you're gonna ruin it for me, I'll just watch it over at Jack Nicholson's. I'm dog-sitting for him.
No, no. I'll give it a shot. Stay. I just wanna talk about Christopher Reeve for a minute, and then we'll get back to the flick.
SUMMER: You're not gonna make fun of Christopher Reeve, are you? Cause he raises TONS of money for research on spinal-cord injuries.
NO, I'm not gonna make fun of him. I was gonna talk about his riding accident in 95, and how that accident gave him sort of a comeback.

SUMMER: I'm sure he doesn't look at it as a comeback.
Well, I know that. But since then the guy's produced, directed, addressed the Democratic National Convention, given commencement speeches, gotten a star on the Walk of Fame. Maybe it's just me, but I can't see a political party asking Superman to give the address unless he's got an angle, you know? Okay, back to flick, after the ads.
[fading] SUMMER: That is SO mean.
Yeah, but I'm right, aren't I?
SUMMER: I think they should give him an Oscar just for this one movie. Oh yeah, I forgot. What's addressing Congress compared to this?

"SOMEWHERE IN TIME" Commercial Break #2

Oh, goodie, more staring. And a little appearance by Teresa Wright as Elise McKenna's caretaker or maid or whatever. She starred in the Hitchcock classic "Shadow of a Doubt" with Joseph Cotten when she was just a young thing. You know, it's weird that Richard Matheson, who wrote this flick and the novel it was based on, named the old professor Dr. Finney, because Matheson has been accused of ripping off JACK Finney's book, "Time and Again." It came out five years earlier, and had the same method of time travel -- lying around in an old building -- except it was the Dakota in New York City. The building where John Lennon was shot. Also where Rosemary's Baby was shot.

SUMMER: Who's Rosemary?
The movie.
SUMMER: Oh, right. By the way, I like the Matheson book better.
You've read it?
SUMMER: Of course! I'm in INSITE.
Come again?
SUMMER: I-N-S-I-T-E. The International Network of Somewhere in Time Enthusiasts. I think it's time to go back to the movie.

[fading] Lemme guess, 3000 women in bunny slippers.
SUMMER: Fifty percent of the members are men.
Joined to pick up chicks, obviously.
SUMMER: This is my favorite part -- where they meet.
Mine, too.

"SOMEWHERE IN TIME" Commercial Break #3

Okay, Summer, you're gonna have to help me out here. Chris Reeve travels seventy years through time by lying on a bed and IMAGINING he's in 1912?
SUMMER: Sixty-seven years.
SUMMER: He travels back 67 years, from 1979 to 1912.
Okay, so he just CONCENTRATES real hard. That's how he travels through time. He THINKS ABOUT IT a lot.
SUMMER: And he really truly loves her.
What does that have to do with it?
SUMMER: His heart wants to be there.
So I could sit here and think of myself in the Playboy Mansion in 1963 and I would be there?
SUMMER: No, you'd have to already be IN the Playboy Mansion.
Okay, let's assume I go over to the Playboy Mansion.
SUMMER: And your heart would want to be there?
What if just my body wants to be there?
SUMMER: Joe Bob, you just have to let it go and enjoy the movie.
All right.

[fading] Still seems pretty lame if you ask me. Why is everybody so CLEAN in 1912? Doesn't anybody ever get a speck of dust on their homburg, or their spats, or their hoop dress?
SUMMER: Shhhhhhhh.
I think things were dirtier back then. We have better sanitation now.
SUMMER: Are we gonna watch this or not?

"SOMEWHERE IN TIME" Commercial Break #4

All right, Summer, this flick takes place on Lake Michigan --
SUMMER: Lake Huron, actually.
Whatever. And apparently at Lake Huron, when you wanna take a walk along the shore, you dress up in long dresses and those funny shirts with the high collars on em. And I'm not saying Jane Seymour doesn't look GREAT in that diaphanous white gown. I'm all for diaphanous white gowns. How did you know it was Lake Huron?

SUMMER: Cause I've been there. I go to the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island every year for the "Somewhere in Time" Weekend.
Now you're scaring me.
SUMMER: Why? It's really fun! Everybody dresses up in Victorian clothes, and they have "Somewhere in Time" trivia contests, some people have the whole movie memorized. Christopher Reeve came once, before his accident. You should come sometime.
Could I go with YOU?
SUMMER: You're so funny -- you have a girlfriend!
I do?
[Summer points upstairs]
[fading] I don't know what you've been told, but it's not true.
SUMMER: Don't be naughty now.
Never. I swear.
SUMMER: Men are such dogs.
Yeah? Is Christopher Reeve a dog?
SUMMER: Christopher Reeve is perfect.
Great. Now I gotta dress up in a brown Charlie Chaplin suit.

"SOMEWHERE IN TIME" Commercial Break #5

Christopher Plummer is NOT TOO HAPPY that Chris Reeve just rode off with Jane Seymour, aka Joyce Penelope Wilhemina Frankenberg. I'm gonna say that changing her name was a smart move. You know why I like Jane Seymour?

SUMMER: Because she's the official spokesperson for UNICEF?
Besides that.
SUMMER: Because she's the International Ambassador for Childhelp USA?
Besides that, too.
SUMMER: Because she's gorgeous?
Because she's been married as many times as I have.
SUMMER: You've been married four times?!
You know a lot about Jane Seymour, don't you?
SUMMER: I even know that she keeps two different brands of shampoo on hand and alternates them every day. After she shampoos, she rinses for three minutes with warm water, conditions, and then rinses with COLD water. She prefers to let her hair air dry, but sometimes her schedule requires a blow dryer.

You walk Jane Seymour's dog, right?
SUMMER: No, I read that in Glamour. [sees Muffin] There you are, Muffin! [puts leash on dog] I'm just gonna run her around the block during the commercials. [exits]

[fading] I'm in Chick Flick Hell.

"SOMEWHERE IN TIME" Commercial Break #6

SUMMER: Wasn't that romantic, when Christopher Reeve finally kisses Jane Seymour?
Oh yeah, I wish they would play that Rachmaninoff Love Theme one more time, don't you?
SUMMER: Isn't it wonderful?
All that rowing and humming and wooing in a gazebo. You just don't see gazebos like that in modern movies, do you? By the way, those of you interested in owning that piece of music can find it on an album called Rachmaninoff for Romance. Done by the same people who bring you "Chopin and Champagne," "Vivaldi for Valentines," "Debussy for Daydreaming" and "Mozart at Midnight." Notice the pattern? I should let you know that they did their research for that rowboat dialogue: Rachmaninoff DID perform in New York, in 1909, and Jane Seymour WOULDN'T have heard his Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini, Opus 43, Variation 18, because he didn't compose it until 1934. [to Summer] Are you impressed yet?
SUMMER: I'd be impressed if you had the C.D.
[Joe Bob pulls out C.D.]
SUMMER: Uh, oh, I'm in trouble.
We'll play this later, after you put Muffin to bed.
SUMMER: Oh, please don't.


[Summer sniffles into Kleenex] So when they took that picture of Jane Seymour, she was actually looking at Christopher Reeve.
SUMMER: Exactly.
You know, I think now might be the right time for a little scientific research. You ready, Summer?
[Summer blows her nose]
[Joe Bob puts on Rachmaninoff's Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini, Opus 43, Variation 18]
SUMMER: Oh, it's so sad!
Here, have another Kleenex.
VOICE FROM UPSTAIRS: What's that romantic music you've got playing?
It's, uh . . . help me out, here.
VOICE FROM UPSTAIRS: Why don't you bring that up here, baby?
Summer, lock up when you go. I'm gonna watch the end of the flick at my place. [exits]
SUMMER: You need a Kleenex, Muffin?

"Somewhere In Time" is available on video and on DVD

Host segments for tonight continue with The Fear

Back to Monstervision's TV Listings at

Host segment transcript of MonsterVision 9/25/99 broadcast
1999 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved