Monstervision Host Segments for

Nightbreed (1990)

"Nightbreed" Intro (host segments continued from Joe's Apartment)

Okay, it's time for "Nightbreed," the first affirmative-action horror flick, with over 200 mucus mummies, including one guy with a crescent moonhead like the old McDonald's commercial and a fat guy with snakes that pop out of his stomach and eat your face off-- and these are the people we're supposed to LIKE. All these slime-glopola monsters live in a place called Midian, which is underneath a cemetery in northern Canada, which is where a weirdbeard psychiatrist spongehead is slashing housewives and wasting innocent suburbanites.
I don't want to say any more, so let's do the drive in totals and get it started. We have:

66 dead bodies.
Six breasts (don't even think about it).
One motor vehicle chase, with pickup plunging into the center of the earth.
Killer porcupine breasts.
Exploding monsters.
Throat slashing.
Bimbo staking.
Head hacking.
Guy cutting off his own face.
Whimpering mutant E.T. dog that turns into a little girl when it's taken out of the sunlight.
Heads roll.
Mutant Fu.
Flamethrower Fu.
Earthquake Fu.
Three stars. Check it out, we'll be right here.

[fading] Clive Barker's idea of a great time is to have a nightmare about a woman with three heads and no skin who flays your body with a pitchfork. I'm inviting him to my next party.

"Nightbreed" Commercial Break #1

So I didn't want to say it right up front, but do you guys recognize the guy playing Decker, the weirdbeard psychiatrist? That's David Cronenberg! The guy who directed The Fly, "Rabid," "Crash." The kinkiest man in Canada.

The guy who makes movies about viruses that are so weird they make disgusting bloody power drills come up out of Marilyn Chambers armpits and burrow into your heart until you're a flesh-eating zombie! So we've got the kinkiest man in Canada AND the kinkiest man in England-- Clive Barker--and they're spewing slime TOGETHER.

Okay, let's go. There's a whole lot of plot that gets in the way here, but try not to let it get you down.

[fading] Some of these big horror authors are really mild-mannered guys with vivid imaginations.
Not Clive Barker. This is a quote:
"The drama of S&M is fascinating to me. It's certainly part of my life. Does that mean there's a dungeon in this house? No, regrettably not. But I have just about everything else!"
So he's into the S&M, the B&D, and the LMNOP. Basically the whole alphabet.

"Nightbreed" Commercial Break #2

The little sick dog-like child-creature kinda looks like the dying "E.T.," doesn't it?

It's got the same eyes. Why do we believe that girl would pick the thing up and save it when, if we saw it on the streets of New York, we would all act like it wasn't there? Anyway, I keep thinking that guy with the dreadlocks made out of skin is Michael Keaton. But it's actually a cat named Oliver Parker. He was in Hellraiser one and two, Clive Barker's much more successful flicks. In fact, the leader of Midian is none other than Pinhead himself, Doug Bradley, looking very Biblical here, despite the turbo vents in his cheeks.

By the way, how many people thought Craig Sheffer was gonna be a big star when he did "A River Runs Through It"?
Big Robert Redford movie with Brad Pitt? And we all know what happened to Brad Pitt. Actually, what DID happen to Brad Pitt? I don't see him around as much as I used to. He dumped Gwyneth and moved to Havana or something.

And speaking of horribly dysfunctional human relationships, let's get back to . . . "Nightbreed."

[fading] Did any of you guys see "A River Runs Through It"? They were going for the box-office gold on that one. Let's do an epic about . . . fishing. But let's do FLY-fishing. The kind of fishing where you basically stand stock-still for eight hours with icy water up to your knees. That'll glue em to the seats, won't it? If you're gonna do fishing on the big screen, you should at least do a bass tournament. There you've got your dramatic conflict. Like those guys that sneak the frozen bass into their boat and try to cheat. Lot of great scenes. But fly-fishing. "Walter, might you have another feather? I seem to have lost mine." Thrilling.

"Nightbreed" Commercial Break #3

"All right, class, here's your question for the evening. Does this movie make a lick of sense? Noooooooo! That's correct. All right, that was the great John Agar as the old codger in the gas station who gets tortured by David Cronenberg.

For years everybody thought John Agar was dead, and then all these younger directors started using him again. But those John Agar scenes weren't in the original script. When Clive Barker turned in the movie, Twentieth Century-Fox thought it was so dang hard to understand that they ordered him to shoot something else that would tell people exactly WHO these people were in Midian. They also have that scene where Babette the dog-girl holds the girlfriend's hand and shows her the past. So NOW it's all crystal clear, right? You see, what happened is there are all these monsters who live underground in an abandoned cemetery in rural Canada, and . . . I had it just a minute ago. Gimme one more segment and I'll have the whole thing figured out. Oh, I know! No, that's not it. Okay, back to the flick.

[fading] IS Craig Sheffer a monster, or isn't he? Was he a human who turned into a monster, or a monster that looked like a human or . . . ? Get Clive on the phone--we need to shoot a couple more scenes."

"Nightbreed" Commercial Break #4

"Okay, while Craig Sheffer arbitrarily changes from man to beast to man and the psycho priest makes his hand bleed, it's time for "Joe Bob's Advice to the Hopeless," with something else that changes nightly, the TNT Mail Girl uniform. [enters]

Rusty, I think we should make this one the permanent outfit.

MAIL GIRL: I'll take that as a compliment.
JB: Is what you're wearing authorized by the Post Office?
MAIL GIRL: It's personally inspected by the Post Master himself.
JB: While it's on you, or while it's off you?
MAIL GIRL: I'm kidding! It's actually inspected by your producer.
JB: David? Why would David be inspecting wardrobe?
MAIL GIRL: He's a real hands-on producer.
JB: He looks after every detail, doesn't he?
MAIL GIRL: He even takes Polaroids to make sure the Mail Girl outfit will look good under the TV lights.
JB: What a dedicated professional he is.
MAIL GIRL: It's a joy to be working under him.
JB: Okay, I don't wanna hear ANYTHING else.
MAIL GIRL: Here's a letter from Jabari B. of Jackson, Mississippi.

"Mr. Briggs,
"You talk too [blah blah blah] much. People want to watch the show a whole lot more than they want to listen to your [forbidden TNT word, forbidden TNT word, forbidden TNT word] talk.
"Jabari Broden, Jackson, Mississippi."

Let's see--I can't say any of those words on TNT. I guess he--she? Is this a he or a she?
I guess when Jabari says "the show," Jabari means the movie. "We're goin to the show." But let me just point out, Jabari, that I may be the first thing you called me, but I'm not the second thing. And I may be the second thing, but I'm not the third thing. And I may be third thing, but I'm not the first thing. WHY did you bring me this? I can't even read it on the air.

MAIL GIRL: I like those. Okay, try this one. It's from Anthony Cafiero in Mullan, Idaho.

"Joe Bob,
"After watching MonsterVision and Last Call for quite a while now, I decided to write to you. You just read a letter from two FAT girls that the newest mail girl brought to you.
"Lately, I have been ONLY watching your segments after the commercials for your excellent insight and advice. The movies have been lagging BIG TIME. I tried to watch "The Nutty Professor," but just could not do it, and this "Sleep Sand" thing is really bad. But, I see from the web site (I know you think I'm a geek now, and you're correct) that you have some good ones coming up in the coming weeks. So, I guess what I am trying to say is, see if you can stay on longer and maybe cut out more of these dumb flicks, the plots won't suffer! Make more fat jokes and keep the new mail girl, if you can. By the way, I am fat!
Anthony C. M., Idaho."

Okay, good letter. Preciate it, Anthony. Have you ever been fat, Rusty?
MAIL GIRL: You shouldn't ask a woman that.
JB: But we're friends!
MAIL GIRL: I've felt a little overweight.
JB: Proving my point, that EVERYBODY thinks they're fat, so let's get over it, okay?
MAIL GIRL: What do you mean "everybody"?
JB: I mean that, if YOU think you're fat, then the whole world is fat.
MAIL GIRL: I don't get it.
JB: Forget it. Just trying to inject a little phony New Age sentiment.
MAIL GIRL: What's that?
JB: That's the idea that we're all okay, even though we're actually all screwed up.
MAIL GIRL: Are you saying I'm fat?
JB: No. You're definitely not fat.
MAIL GIRL: Because I feel fat.
JB: Please. You're kidding, right?
MAIL GIRL: I think I could lose two or three pounds.
JB: I rest my case.

"Nightbreed" Commercial Break #5

"That doctor who took Craig Sheffer's pulse was convincing, wasn't he? Wonder who's brother-in-law HE was. Okay, does ANYBODY know what's going on? Isn't this a classic example of way too much plot getting in the way of the story? The monsters explode if they go out in the sun, BUT they have a special car with tinted windows so they can go down to the police station and kick butt. And David Cronenberg is a serial killer, and I GUESS we're supposed to think he did all those crimes and BLAMED EM on Craig Sheffer, but Craig Sheffer seems like he's into it. He WANTS to be a serial killer. Sometimes. And what's in it for his girlfriend? This is several steps beyond herpes she's dealing with here, you know what I'm saying? "Well, that's okay, even though you look like a freak at the state fair and you might devour me like a French fry at any moment, I still love you." And how bout that police inspector? At least we lopped off THAT loose end.
Okay, let's get back to it. Maybe it will make more sense if we just hang in there.

[fading] Remember that movie "The Monster Club" with Vincent Price? Same idea, but with comedy and cheesy effects. Instead of living underneath a cemetery, the monsters had a little night club. That movie didn't make sense either, but you didn't CARE."

"Nightbreed" Commercial Break #6

Are we supposed to LIKE the monsters?
Are they supposed to be lovable? Because they're just Too Damn Ugly. Clive Barker is violating the 32nd rule of horror-film aesthetics, which states, "If the monster is ugly, the monster is evil." If you want us to love the monster, you gotta give it those EYES, like E.T.--sick puppy eyes. They almost got it right with Babette, the dog child, but these marauding Midianites don't quite cut it. Anyhow, I want you to help me out here in this next part. I'm not gonna give anything away, but something happens to Craig Sheffer where he ends up with a piece of paper on his chest. If somebody can tell me what the heck that piece of paper is, I'll buy em a beer. Okay, roll it. Exciting conclusion to "Nightbreed."

[fading] Don't Canadians say "eh" at the end of every sentence?
"How bout those Canucks, eh?"
"Let's go have a Moosehead, eh."
"Brothers and sisters, it's time to fight, eh." That's how that line should've read. Course, Clive Barker's from Liverpool, so what does he know. He talks like the Beatles. The Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da guys. You know what I'm sayin?"

"Nightbreed" Outro

"So is Craig Sheffer alive now? I don't get it--he gets bitten by an intestine-head, shot up by Nazi cops, stabbed by his shrink, turned into a pus-faced freak, but now everything's okay? And what did that big octopus monster tell him? "You are no longer Boone, you are Kha-ha-ha . . ." Who's "Kha-ha-ha . . ."?

Anyhow, I'm not gonna dwell on that, because I wanna remind you that next week is the First Annual Joe Bob Briggs Family Christmas Special, in which I will be having a reunion of my extended family, including the various branches from East Texas, West Texas, and South Texas. Also here will be the Joe Bob Briggs Tabernacle Choir--I auditioned em all personally, and they look GREAT in their outfits, if you know what I mean and I think you do. And we'll be showing the happy Christmas movie Gremlins along with the cowboy-alien-mafia-comedy classic Pet Shop.

That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that you can't trust a dog to watch your food.

Hey, did you guys watch when we had that Kennedy documentary on a couple weeks ago? Well, remember when everyone used to talk about the amazing Kennedy-Lincoln parallels? And they would engrave em on plates and everything? Well, I was lookin back over em this week, and I think we could all stand to be reminded of these things every once in a while. Remember these?
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were especially concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald was born in 1939.
Both of em were known by three names.
Both names have a total of fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die."

"Nightbreed" is available on video and on DVD

MonsterVision host segments for Gremlins and for Pet Shop

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Host segment transcript of 12-12-98 broadcast
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