David Cronenberg's gruesome masterpiece, following the story of the 1958 Vincent Price version, but this time the fly is fused with Jeff Goldblum and so we feel sorry for the fly. What happens is that Jeff is trying to pick up Geena Davis by telepodding stuff all over his apartment--nylons, baboons, stuff like that--and so she falls in love with him and he ends up getting drunk one night and jumping into the telepod machine without CHECKING FOR FLIES cause evidently he didn't see the 1958 movie. Result: Insect Fu. At first Jeff is so charged up he flies around his crummy apartment doing scenes from GYMKATA, but pretty soon his face starts to change. First your basic Pizza Face look. Then we get Cream-of-Wheat Cancer Face. And finally, when things get REALLY bad, we got your Vomit Jubilee Face. These may be the best drive-in makeup effects in history. We have:
One breast.
Two beasts in one body.
Six quarts blood.
Seven quarts vomit.
Eight quarts undecided.
Unsuccessful Norelco cure.
One compound fracture.
Baboon zapping.
Nylon stocking zapping.
Baboon turned inside out.
Purple fingers.
Excessive body hair.
Huge maggot birthing.
Ceiling walking.
Ear rolls.
Fingernails roll.
Teeth roll.
Hand rolls.
Foot rolls.
Gratuitous fly puke.
Arm wrestling Fu.
Shotgun Fu.
Jeff's best line: "I won't be just another tumorous bore, talking about his hair falling out and his lost lymph nodes."

One of the best insect sequels since ALIENS, starring Eric Stoltz as the half-human, half-insect son of oozing pizza-face Jeff Goldblum from the first movie. Eric is growing up "normally" in this gigantic day-care center chemistry lab where they torture innocent dogs for scientific purposes. The only problem is that they forgot to TELL Eric that he will eventually look like a Tyrannosaurus Rex with anorexia that's been turned inside out and dropped into a vat of strawberry Jello. When Eric finds out, he's STEAMED. And since he grows about four times faster than normal, he was already the most sexually experienced five-year-old in town, and now THIS has to happen. How can he break it to Daphne Zuniga? Will Daphne still want to kiss him? How many globs of intestinal goo will it take to finish this movie? Even ICKIER than THE FLY.
No breasts.
Seven dead bodies.
Hypodermic closeups.
Mutant canine.
Insect sex.
Spinal cracking.
Eyeball plucking.
Forcible showering.
Grisliest live birth since It's Alive! (Anti-abortion fetus fans will be VERY pleased)
Hypo needle broken off in Eric's arm.
Yellow oozing intestine goo.
Giant zits.
Nurse-gut dripping.
Face eaten off by fly vomit.
Wire-cage elevator dropped on security guard like a fruit juicer, in closeup.
Dog telepodding.
Apple telepodding.
Telephone telepodding.
Cacti telepodding.
Kitten telepodding.
Eric Stoltz telepodding.
Fingers roll.
Gratuitous fly-casting. (Get it?)
Lamaze Fu.
Fetus Fu.
Mutant double fetus Fu.
With Lee Richardson as the evil industrialist who takes Eric's mutated moaning deformed whimpering dog and keeps it alive for two years for scientific purposes ("Martin, you will soon become the most unique living creature on the face of the Earth"),
John Getz as the magazine editor from the first movie (about Jeff Goldblum, he says "He bugged me").
Eric has the best line: "Beth, if you'll stay awhile, I'll show you a magic trick you'll never forget."

Yoko Ono's horrifying 25-minute film in which you watch a fly crawl all over a nekkid lady's body. And in 25 minutes the fly hits every single INCH of the woman's bod. After a point you start going "Oh, no, please NOOOOOO, don't let that fly go in THERE! Oh, please, STOP it, STOP!" But the fly doesn't stop. The fly does go EVERYWEHERE, accompanied by Yoko's lyrical Japanese moaning, which sounds roughly like eight cats being repeatedly hammered over the head with a suitcase.

All three flies © 2000 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved.

For more of Joe Bob's non-TNT reviews in Grapevine, Texas, go to his
Drive-In Reviews Archive over yonder at www.Joe Bob Briggs.com

"The Fly" is available on video
"Fly 2" is available on video and both movies together on a DVD
"Return Of The Fly" (1959) is available on video and on DVD
Or click here if you really want to see what there is available from Amazon.com for Yoko Ono, the person who broke up the Beatles

A woman was told that her limo driver had quit and a new one would be sent over. The first morning, she said to him, “Driver, what is your name?”
He said, “Madam, it is James.”
She replied, “Driver, I never call my employees by their first name. What is your last name?”
He paused, then replied, “Madam, it is Darling.”
Immediately she said, “Drive on, James.”