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(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide) |
Steroid monster Dolph
Lundgren of Rocky 4 and Universal Soldier plays a beefcake plastic toy, setting some new Wesson
oil records in this purple laser-ray champeen flick with about
470 green pulsating zap lines painted on the film. They hired Gary
Goddard, director of the Conan the Barbarian show at Universal Studios, to
direct a cast that includes Courteney Cox as Julie the Virgin
("It's my fault they're dead--we were supposed to go to the beach
that day"), veteran midget actor Billy Barty ("In half a kroton,
we're not going to have a sorceress to go home to"), and Frank
Langella as the evil Skeletor ("I am more than a man, more than
life--I am a GOD"). Basically we've got a whole bunch of actors
in skullcaps walking around saying stuff like "The dark can
embrace the light but never eclipse it," and this makes Skeletor
so mad that he puts on his skullhead stagecoach driver outfit and
zaps Dolph into the Southern California fast-food suburbs. Dolph
walks around wearing Mean Joe Greene's shoulder pads while Billy
Barty helps him fight off Darth Vader look-alikes with something
called a Cosmic Key that looks like a muffler made in Mexico out
of barbecue forks. Then, when skullhead space warriors try to
kill Julie the High School Virgin With Dead Parents, Dolph goes
PAST HIS LIMIT and has to start kicking cosmic rear. Fifty dead bodies. One pint blood. One motor vehicle chase (supersonic Frisbee surfboards). Laser maggot leg poison. Ribs in a bucket. A bunch of stuff blown up, including a high school gym and a Radio Shack. Exploding microwave. Gratuitous cow closeup. Ammonia-in- the-face Fu. Laser Fu. Muzak Fu. With Meg Foster as Evil-Lyn, who dresses like a Tammy Faye Bakker hood ornament. Best line: "Live the journey, for every destination is but a doorway to another." And remember, if it hadn't been for "Masters Of The Universe," what would Mattel Toy Company have done with all those dolls they made up for "Conan the Barbarian?" 
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