Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At

Masters Of The Universe (1987)

(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)

Steroid monster Dolph Lundgren of Rocky 4 and Universal Soldier plays a beefcake plastic toy, setting some new Wesson oil records in this purple laser-ray champeen flick with about 470 green pulsating zap lines painted on the film. They hired Gary Goddard, director of the Conan the Barbarian show at Universal Studios, to direct a cast that includes Courteney Cox as Julie the Virgin ("It's my fault they're dead--we were supposed to go to the beach that day"), veteran midget actor Billy Barty ("In half a kroton, we're not going to have a sorceress to go home to"), and Frank Langella as the evil Skeletor ("I am more than a man, more than life--I am a GOD"). Basically we've got a whole bunch of actors in skullcaps walking around saying stuff like "The dark can embrace the light but never eclipse it," and this makes Skeletor so mad that he puts on his skullhead stagecoach driver outfit and zaps Dolph into the Southern California fast-food suburbs. Dolph walks around wearing Mean Joe Greene's shoulder pads while Billy Barty helps him fight off Darth Vader look-alikes with something called a Cosmic Key that looks like a muffler made in Mexico out of barbecue forks. Then, when skullhead space warriors try to kill Julie the High School Virgin With Dead Parents, Dolph goes PAST HIS LIMIT and has to start kicking cosmic rear.
Fifty dead bodies.
One pint blood.
One motor vehicle chase (supersonic Frisbee surfboards).
Laser maggot leg poison.
Ribs in a bucket.
A bunch of stuff blown up, including a high school gym and a Radio Shack.
Exploding microwave.
Gratuitous cow closeup.
Ammonia-in- the-face Fu.
Laser Fu.
Muzak Fu.
With Meg Foster as Evil-Lyn, who dresses like a Tammy Faye Bakker hood ornament. Best line: "Live the journey, for every destination is but a doorway to another."
And remember, if it hadn't been for "Masters Of The Universe," what would Mattel Toy Company have done with all those dolls they made up for "Conan the Barbarian?"

2000 Joe Bob Briggs. All Rights Reserved. Not an AOL Time-Warner Company in this lifetime.
"Masters Of The Universe" is available on video and on DVD

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Conan the Barbarian

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