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Joe Bob's Library
food sciences
the ice cream man Intro
I scream, you scream...

library All right, we're back out in the trailer -- I mean, lecture hall. That movie, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, was kind of a change of pace for us. For those diehards who've been thinking there's something wrong with their cable, hang around for a couple minutes here, cause we have guest-lecturer Clint Howard joining us to talk about all his excellent movie roles, including the one in our next flick, where he plays the nice man in the white coat who drives the ice cream truck and sometimes makes special flavors out of the body parts of murdered children.

Is this sick or WHAT? Of course, that's why WE love it. But before he joins us, I wanna remind you that next week is the last week of "Joe Bob's Summer School" -- it's Recreational Geography 207. We'll be watching "National Lampoon's European Vacation" and "The Great Outdoors," and we'll be joined by producer Matty Simmons, who was one of the creators of the National Lampoon, and travel expert . . . you ready for this? Robin Leach. Then the week after that -- yes, the rumors are true, we're moving out to ELL LAY for good. We're going Hollywood. And our very first show is something extra special, I'll tell you about it later.

Okay, we're still studying Food Science here, so let's continue the lesson with the world television premiere of Ice Cream Man. It's that old tale of the neighborhood ice cream man whose goodies include all kinds of yummy things, like cockroaches, mice, and eyeballs from previous customers. Let me put it this way: Don't order the Rocky Road. Clint Howard usually plays wackos, but this is definitely one of his wackoest.
Let's do the drive-in totals. We have:
Seven dead bodies.
One dead dog.
Eyeball chewing.
Waffle-iron to the face.
Head on a cone.
Heads on ice cream scoops.
Icepick through the mouth.
Kung fu.
And the special effects in this thing are surprisingly decent. I give it three and a half stars. It's also one of the shortest movies we've ever shown, so if you don't like it, it'll be over before you know it. Okay, roll film.

[fading] Don't forget that the ice cream man himself, Clint Howard, will be here in a few minutes. Clint also happens to be Ron Howard's little brother, and he's in all of Ron's movies. Which means he's experienced the full-range of on-set catering. He goes from beanie weenies to caviar and back to beanie weenies. Lemme tell ya, if I had to put up with caviar, I'd be throwin some major hissy-fits. Is Clint in the house? Clint! Clint! Clint! Clint's IN the house.

"THE ICE CREAM MAN" Commercial Break #1

This movie has quite the all-star cast. So far we've got ex-first baseman Steve Garvey, David Naughton -- the Dr. Pepper guy -- remember? [singing] "I'm a Pepper, You're a Pepper, He's a Pepper, She's a Pepper . . ." But we'll talk about all them later, because we've got the star of the film right here. His work covers both the B-movie arena and big-budget extravaganzas. He started working when he was two years old, starred in the TV series "Gentle Ben" when he was seven, and he's one of our favorites around here, actor and all-around great guy, Clint Howard. Clint, welcome to Joe Bob's Summer School.

CLINT: Good to be here. Hey guys (LAUGHTER).
Lot of ice cream on the set while you were making this flick right?
CLINT: Well, not really, Joe Bob. We had mashed potatoes more than ice cream.
CLINT: The ice cream would melt, so the prop department, well the prop department -- there was one guy. (LAUGHTER) Prop man. He figured out that mashed potatoes, the instant kind, you mix 'em up, you stick it on the cone and the ice cream's good for days.
CLINT: Not very tasty.
Do people have to lick it and eat it?
CLINT: Ah, well, we did have some Hero ice cream when we actually had the actual, you know, eating shots. There was Hero ice cream but just the handling was all mashed potatoes.
Okay, so you're the crazy ice cream man who witnessed his own ice cream man's death.
CLINT: What do ya' mean, crazy? (DEMENTED LAUGHTER)
And you do that so well. (LAUGHTER)
CLINT: That's what my wife says. (LAUGHTER)
And you ended up in a mental institution. And now you add cockroaches to the Butter Brickle. Let me ask you something. How do you prepare for a role like that, or maybe you don't have to prepare at all?
CLINT: Well, you don't eat a lot of ice cream off the ice cream truck, that's for sure. No, you know, there's a crazy part of me that's right there.
We've seen it many times (LAUGHTER).
CLINT: Yes. And it doesn't take too much for me to bring it out. And, in fact, really my only preparation for this gig was the director, Norman, wanted me to have a gravelly voice, so as I was driving to work I would roll the windows up and scream at the top of my lungs for the 20 minutes that it took for me to get to the location. So by the time I got to the location, I was talking like that and I couldn't help it.

So you were on the freeways of L.A., screaming like . . .
CLINT: . . . everybody else (LAUGHTER).
I hear that you're known for doing something pretty wacky on the way home from work too. What did you do?
CLINT: Well, it actually started with a horror movie that I worked on back in 1980 called "Evil Speak."
I love "Evil Speak." It's one of my favorites. I wanna ask you about that later.
CLINT: Yeah, yeah. "Evil Speak" was a good movie.
A very good movie.
CLINT: But anyway I had the bloody clothes from "Evil Speak" and they just looked too cool (LAUGHTER). So I told the wardrobe woman, Lynn, I said, "Lynn, I'm taking these home with me. I gotta show 'em to my buddies." So in the full-on bloody costume and the full-on blood from the third act finale of "Evil Speak," I drive home on the freeway. And I'm only expecting to entertain my friends. I didn't realize it, I didn't think that I was going to entertain all the people that I was passing on the freeway. (LAUGHTER) See, 'cause as I'm driving along, these people are looking at me, and in fact on "The Ice Cream Man" I did the same thing. It's kind of a tradition, a Clint Howard tradition. I'm driving home and I'm just gettin' ready to pull off the ramp in Burbank -- you know, that's where I live -- a very humble little town, and I pull next to this mini van filled with kids. And the mother, the woman driving, she kinda glances over her shoulder and sees me. Now, you know, I'm in that white costume, all bloody, and she absolutely freaked. She sprung to her feet from the driver's side of the mini van, she bolted across to the passenger door and locked the door (LAUGHTER) and gave me this kinda like, not dirty look but kinda, like, don't come close to my children. So, you know, it's fun. It's entertaining for me.

Oh that's a barrel of laughs, Clint. I wish I'd been there. Maybe that answers my next question, which is, why do you think you get cast to play so many wackos?
CLINT: I don't know, Joe Bob. Oh, I don't know. It's just somethin' I can do.
Well, it's like your brother get cast to play the most white bread characters in the history of the world and you get cast to play the opposite.
CLINT: Well, I'll tell you what. George Wendt put it really well. We worked on "Gung Ho" together, George and I, and George looked at me one day and said, "You're the brother from another planet." (LAUGHTER)
Okay, well let's get back to the world television premier of "Ice Cream Man," starring our guest Clint Howard. Roll it. So, in other words, you screamed for ice cream, right?
CLINT: I scream, you scream, we all scream for the ice cream man.
I can't believe they didn't have that in the movie.

"THE ICE CREAM MAN" Commercial Break #2

CLINT: Yeah. You're pretty good, Joe Bob.
Clint Howard, star of "Ice Cream Man," is our guest-lecturer tonight. And, by the way, one of my many favorite Clint Howard roles is a movie we showed here last Summer School called "The Wraith."
CLINT: Oh yeah.
In fact, you have my favorite line in the whole movie. You know the line I'm talkin' about?
CLINT: Is it, "He's an evil spirit and he ain't cool"?
No. That's a good line (LAUGHTER). No, my favorite line is, "You lose the race, you lose your car." (LAUGHTER) Yeah. What was your very first acting job?
CLINT: Well, my very first job was in 1961. I was two years old. I played a character called Leon on "The Andy Griffin Show."
And were you related to your brother or...?
CLINT: In the show?
You were just Leon.
CLINT: Just Leon.
'Cause you know what? It's unbelievable for you to be related to...
CLINT: No, you know how that worked is, I was on the set, just being baby-sat. My mom was watching Ron that particular day and she brought me along. And the director looked at me and says, Oh that little kid in the cowboy suit -- that's too cute." And I was really eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and they just basically picked me up and put me in the scene, and my first bit was I handed Barney a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when he was bent out of shape, like Don usually got, you know.
CLINT: And then he looked down at me and went, "Not now, Leon." (LAUGHTER) So that was it, two years old.
So how do you account for both you and your brother Ron being among the few former child stars who didn't turn out to be, like, major burnout drug addicts or anything?
Well, Mom and Dad.
CLINT: Mom and Dad, you know, they're down home. They're people of the earth. They were born and raised in the Midwest. My dad was a farm boy and my mom was the daughter of a butcher. Ooh the daughter of a butcher.
Yeah, that does explain a lot about you.
Does your brother dig the movies like this that you do?
CLINT: Yes he does. I'll tell ya, you know, he makes big studio high budget movies now, and God love 'em for it because he hires me and (LAUGHTER) he pays me really well. But when I do work on something like "The Ice Cream Man" or I'm working on a little tiny family comedy right now called "Ping," he calls me and he wants all the gory details about how low a budget can be.
CLINT: Oh yeah, 'cause, you know, we can shoot a movie for what it costs them to feed the crew for a couple of weeks.
CLINT: Yeah. So he really enjoys hearing, not necessarily about how the quality of the movie is, but how the directors actually get in the shots and getting the day's work done.
So, and he applies this somehow to his own work or no, he's just interested?
CLINT: No, he's just interested, you know, because his first movie was a Roger Corman movie. His first directing job was . . .
"Eat My Dust" . . .
CLINT: . . . No, no. He acted in . . .
"Grand Theft Auto."
CLINT: Yes. He acted in "Eat My Dust" to get to direct "Grand Theft Auto" for Roger. And Roger told him, "Ron, if you do a good job for me, you'll never have to work for me again." (LAUGHTER)
Yes, and that's Roger philosophy. Roger thinks that if you make more than two movies for him, you're probably no good.
CLINT: Yep. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, well "The Ice Cream Man" has kidnapped Small Paul, so let's get back to the movie. And Cooper Smith -- we have to talk about the role you did that's even creepier than this one. Cooper Smith in "Evil Speak." We gotta talk about that.
CLINT: Oh I love Cooper Smith.

"THE ICE CREAM MAN" Commercial Break #3

The old "hide in the bottom of the shopping cart" trick -- the Ice Cream Man is a lit-tle bit blind, isn't he?
CLINT: Well you know plot point plot point.
Sandahl Bergman as the mom who makes her kid do the grocery shopping, David Warner as the out-to-lunch preacher, Jan-Michael Vincent and Lee Majors II as the incompetent cops. Great cast for such a low-budget movie. We're here with the star of the film, Clint Howard. Clint, did I hear something about this movie being financed by porno money?

CLINT: Olivia Hussey.
Olivia Hussey.
CLINT: Juliet. Man, she did that. Was that was my favorite. I was really looking forward to meeting with and working with Olivia Hussey.
All right, well we're here with the star of the film, Clint Howard, "The Ice Cream Man" himself and, Clint, did I hear something about this movie being financed by...
CLINT: Porno.
Porno money. (LAUGHTER)
CLINT: Yep, I think that's public record now. You know, I wasn't there to watch the checks get signed and everything, but my understanding was it was made by people that made and distributed, uh, blue movies.
Okay, well, it happens. And it has a little of that quality about it, you know, which can help sometimes.
CLINT: If you look real close in some of the background shots, at some of the very bit players, and if you're a fan of the pornographic film industry, you will see some characters in there that you will recognize.
Oh really?
CLINT: Yeah.
Makes it all the more interesting.
CLINT: Yeah. Yeah.
What do you . . .
CLINT: . . . keep your eyes peeled. (LAUGHTER)
You won't recognize them with their clothes on though, probably, will you?
CLINT: Exactly.
What do you think about the final version of the film, personally?
CLINT: Well you know, we did not set out to make "Dr. Zhivago," you know.
CLINT: We had our tongue firmly planted in our cheek when we made the thing. It's got some flaws, but you know, it works pretty well. And I'll tell ya what, even to this day -- it's been what, six or seven years now? I still, I was in a Taco Bell the other day and this kid about 25 years old, he's serving me tacos, and he looks at me in the eye and he goes, "You're the ice cream man." (LAUGHTER) You know, and I don't get it a lot. It's amazing how, you know, the picture sticks.
Okay the occasional taco guy. But the (LAUGHTER) picture's kinda a big mess, you know.
And is Butter Brickle a real flavor or was it created for the movie?
CLINT: Yeah, I think somehow, Norman, the director got it in his mind. I don't know, maybe it's some sexual thing, butter . . .
. . . okay.
CLINT: Butter Brickle.
But I heard this movie killed at the Clint Howard Film Festival in Chicago, though. They had a Clint Howard film festival right?
CLINT: Yes. Yes. A couple years ago, there was the first annual Clint Howard Film Festival and they're waiting for the second Clint Howard Film Festival, if they ever get me to get there, you know. But we showed Rock 'n' Roll High School, "Evil Speak" and had the world premier on a big movie theater screen of "Ice Cream Man" and the crowd loved it. 'Now giving away free beer!' (LAUGHTER) probably didn't hurt.
CLINT: They handed everybody a plastic cup and they came in and they had an open keg situation and by the time they showed "Ice Cream Man," everybody was just three sheets to the wind. (LAUGHTER) And they loved "Ice Cream Man."
Well, you know, I know that the reason that they would have a Clint Howard Film Festival has a lot to do with the work you did for the legendary B movie producer Roger Corman, who we mentioned before, 'cause you've made, I believe, thirteen movies for Roger.
CLINT: Yeah.
Including, you mentioned, "Rock 'n' Roll High School," "Carnosaur," you were in that. The two movies that your brother did, "Eat My Dust" and Grand Theft Auto.
CLINT: Yeah. . . . I was in one of his art house films, "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden."
CLINT: Kathleen Quinlan got nominated for an Academy Award on a Roger Corman movie.
Well, what was it like workin' out of the infamous Corman studios?
CLINT: Oh boy. Well, how can I describe it? Well, I'll tell ya, they have a little sound stage down in Venice, California, where . . .
. . . it's actually a lumberyard.
CLINT: It has a tin roof.
CLINT: Now you know a little bit about the movie business. You just don't film in a tin roof because when it rains, it sounds like you're gettin' shot at. (LAUGHTER) You know, I enjoy, I like making guerrilla movies. And Roger is the quintessential guerrilla filmmaker. And I personally have continued to act in 'em. First of all, you know, he pays, the checks always clear, and to me there's always kind of an exciting gamble about quite possibly working for the next Martin Scorsese . . .
. . . right.
CLINT: Or Francis Coppola.
Yeah, 'cause a lot of great directors have come out of the Roger Corman . . .
CLINT: . . . yeah.
...Film factory.
CLINT: Yes, and I've worked for, what, ten or twelve different directors. And not one of them outside of Ron has really graduated, but they're all kind of working their way up in the business, and maybe they'll remember ole Clintaroo when it comes time to, you know, make a big studio picture.

[fading] Okay. Well we're goin' back to the movie and we'll talk more at the next break. So when are you gonna start directing? You could just go over to Roger and say, "I wanna direct, Roger."
CLINT: You know, I could but I love to play golf and I love to take naps. (LAUGHTER) And when you're a director, golfing and napping is definitely out.
CLINT: I don't know. Maybe someday.
All right. Well, and we still haven't discussed Cooper Smith. Don't let me forget that. One of the best pig stampedes ever filmed.

"THE ICE CREAM MAN" Commercial Break #4

This movie may set the world record for flashbacks -- about 19 flashback sequences in this flick. And the allusions of this movie are subtle, but profound. "The Pied Piper," "The Boy Who Cried Wolf," and I believe there are references to Milton's "Paradise Lost," are there not?
CLINT: Well, yeah, and there's also me going, "Everyday is not a happy happy happy day."
That's right.(LAUGHTER) Clint Howard is here with us. So tell us what you're workin' on now, Clint. You're doin' two movies. One big budget movie and one little budget movie, right?
CLINT: Yep. Yep. I am currently filming a little family comedy called "Ping." It's kinda like Home Alone but instead of a boy, it's a little, kinda, half Chihuahua running around.
The Chihuahua's the star?
CLINT: Yeah. Well, Judge Reinhold and I hopefully get credit above the star -- above Ping. But it's Judge Reinhold and I and Shirley Jones and this little dog. And I'm shooting that as we speak, virtually. And then in a few weeks I'm gonna start to work on Ron's next movie, which is How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
CLINT: Jim Carrey playing the Grinch.
CLINT: Wild and wooly. It should be pretty wild. I'm gonna have two to two and a half hours in the makeup chair everyday, being made up to look like . . .
Are you the Grinch?
CLINT: No. No. No. I'm a citizen of Whoville. I am the mayor's sycophant. My name is Whobrus. (LAUGHTER)
Okay. That will be fun.
CLINT: Yeah.
A lot of people don't realize what hard work it is makin' a horror flick you know. 'Cause I mean what was it like making "Evil Speak," for example? 'Cause just in that flick alone you had heads twisted around until they're backwards. You had naked girls attacked by maniac pigs. You had this guy who gets impaled on a torture rack. Nails that fly out of a cross and kill the chaplain by poppin' open his brain. Guy who gets sliced all the way down the middle with a broad sword. Lot of hacked off heads. A man who gets his heart ripped out of his chest while it's still beating. Lot of other stuff that I can't even mention on TNT right? So you can tell I've seen the film right, Clint?

CLINT: God, that was a good picture.(LAUGHTER) You know, those things are all really fun to do. That's the bonus time. I had a 22 hour day on the set of "Evil Speak," which is, you know, you do somethin' for 22 hours, unless it's makin' love, it's, you know, it's difficult. Even makin' love for 22 hours...(LAUGHTER)

What's the grossest way you've ever died on screen?
CLINT: Oh boy.
'Cause we got fans who live for that kinda stuff. You don't wanna meet the fans we got.
CLINT: Well, I got sliced, it's like, I got gutted in a movie called "Silent Night, Deadly Night, Part 4." And then these big cockroach larvae, these big things about yea big, started kinda climbing in and out of me and so I think the cockroach larvae kinda did me in. Also in "Ticks"...

Oh, "Ticks." We've had that on the show, yeah.
CLINT: Being infested by a tick the size of a softball and having it explode out the side of my face -- (LAUGHTER) it's kinda an interesting way to go.
That's good. You don't really get to do that in Ron's movies do you?
CLINT: No. No. I don't think I've ever died in one of Ron's pictures. I'll have to talk to him about that. (LAUGHTER)
All right. Let's get back to the kiddy horror comedy "Ice Cream Man." Roll it. I've always been weary about ice cream men myself, you know. It's a brilliant idea for a horror movie 'cause some strange guy drives around neighborhoods in a beat up old van with that crazy tinkling song . . .
CLINT: . . yeah. And the freezer, you could easy jam a couple of kids in the freezer.
Exactly. And the mom's just go out there and hand the money over. Sure, Son, and you just run out there. They have ice cream, they don't have ice cream man licenses or anything do they? (LAUGHTER) And just the music is creepy. That should be a tip off.
CLINT: Well there you go. We had the crustiest little ice cream man -- he must have been about eighty years old. His name was Marty. Marty the ice cream man, in my neighborhood, growin' up. And kids used to jump on the back of the ice cream truck, you know, and drive along and Marty would stop and get out and the kids would run away. (LAUGHTER) He would curse at the kids and the kids would curse at Marty. It was, you know, a fun-filled neighborhood.

So, you had some research to work with on this role.
CLINT: Yeah a little bit. Little bit.

"THE ICE CREAM MAN" Commercial Break #5

[Restaurant Guide]

You killed David Naughton! You killed the Dr. Pepper guy! And served his head in a waffle cone!
CLINT: Yeah.
He had it coming to him, though, ever since that song "Making It" from the late seventies. Remember that song?
CLINT: I play golf with David.
CLINT: Quite often. He's a really nice guy and I think he looks at me kinda funny when we're, you know, out there playin', because of "The Ice Cream Man." (LAUGHTER)
Okay. Clint Howard is here with us and you know, I think the David Naughton head is pretty realistic. In fact, I think it's better than all the heads that they used in "Total Recall." That was like a billion-dollar flick. So, what was it like workin' with the heads? There's several heads that you had to use in this picture.
CLINT: Yeah. The guy, I can't think of his name, he was a nice young guy. Just one guy made all the heads and he took great pride in his work and the heads turned out great. The problem that we had in a low budget movie, we only had one copy of each head. So we had to treat the heads like they were gold. (LAUGHTER) In these big studio movies you can just kinda, you know, they got replacement heads. And in "Ice Cream Man" we had, you know, one head, and if you dropped it, it was like (LAUGHTER), oh, geez there goes there goes our head. So there were times that I had to handle the heads and I had to throw the heads and stuff. And this poor guy was standing off camera . . .
. . . the guy who made the heads?
CLINT: Yeah. Oh, of course. He didn't have any help. I mean he was catching the heads as I was throwing them off camera. And of course I'm fairly athletic and I can pretty much throw the head where I want it to go.
Okay. So you could keep that goin' in your mind while you were acting, like, make sure to get the head to the guy.
CLINT: Yeah. But, you know what, I also was kinda playin' with him. I'd throw one kinda low in a way and (LAUGHTER). I threw one kinda up and out and, you know, he was like havin' to do the catchin' thing you know. (MAKING NOISES)
Okay, Clint. We have a gift for ya. All our guest-lecturers on Joe Bob's Summer School get a book. And since tonight is Food Science 201 and since you live in California, we got ya this one. It's a restaurant guide to LA. Now, uh, it's eleven years old. (LAUGHTER) But I'm sure some of the restaurants are still open.
CLINT: Yeah.
So . . .
CLINT: . . . well thank you. (LAUGHTER)
Thanks. Thanks.
CLINT: I will treasure this for minutes. (LAUGHTER)
Okay thanks for being here, Clint, and hope to get you to come back again sometime. We got many of your movies on this show.
CLINT: Oh I would love to come back, Joe Bob, and thanks, class.
Okay. Time for the chilling conclusion to "Ice Cream Man." Roll it. Do you like what I just said there, shilling?
CLINT: Chilling?
Shilling conclusion.
CLINT: Shilling. Shilling. Well, it's not an English picture. It's chilling.
Chilling conclusion -- that's what I said, Clint.
CLINT: Chilling and it's ice cream and I do stuff a guy in the freezer, so you could consider it a chilling ending.
That was the point.
CLINT: Well you nailed it. And I'm gonna go home and read my book. (LAUGHTER) Who is this guy? (looking at photo in book) Is he still alive?


Did you notice the scene where the Ice Cream Man jumps off the truck and knocks out both cops with two ice cream scoops? I don't think so. MAN, was that a mess or what? Half the time I couldn't tell WHAT was going on.

I'd like to thank tonight's guest-lecturers, Wolfgang Puck for Willy Wonka and Clint Howard, and remind you that next week's class here at "Joe Bob's Summer School" -- our last class -- is Recreational Geography 207. We'll be watching National Lampoon's European Vacation and the John Candy, Dan Aykroyd comedy The Great Outdoors. And our guest lecturers will be producer and National Lampoon creator Matty Simmons, and of course, travel expert Robin Leach. That's it for me, Professor Joe Bob, reminding you, in the words of Willy Wonka: Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

Did you guys hear the one about the guy who's broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage? He decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" puts him in touch with an underworld figure, who goes by the name of "Artie." Artie explains to the guy that his going price for snuffing out a spouse is $5,000. The guy says he's willing to pay that amount, but that he won't have any cash on hand until he can collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insists on being paid SOMETHING up front. So the man opens up his wallet and shows the hitman a one-dollar bill. Artie sighs, rolls his eyes, and agrees to accept the dollar as down payment.

A few days later, Artie follows the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprises her in the produce department, and proceeds to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor woman draws her last breath and slumps to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbles onto the scene. Artie has no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. But unknown to Artie, the entire thing is captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately calls the police. Artie is caught and arrested before he can leave the store, and after intense questioning at the police station, Artie reveals the whole plan, including his financial arrangements with the husband. Which is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline says.. "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."

Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.
[fading] Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other says, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." The second cannibal says, "No wonder... those are friars!"
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

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