Monstervision Host Segments for
The Guyver
(1992)
I'd rather kiss a Wookie
"The Guyver" Intro
Hey, Joe Bob Briggs, and throw your remote away, cause do we have
a treat for you tonight. Not one, but TWO Mark Hamill movies.
Yes,
indeed, it's mutant fist-fights galore in "The Guyver," followed by the
1993 Canadian Terminator rip-off, "Time Runner".
Speaking of fist
fights, have you noticed how many things can CAUSE fist fights these days?
I mean, things that used to be considered NORMAL, and even POLITE, but now
they're grounds for fights, lawsuits, and general UGLINESS. For example,
the words "Excuse me." "Excuse me" used to be what you would say if you
were trying to be nice.
But watch what happens today if somebody
is standing in the middle of the grocery aisle, and you can't get by, and
so you say "Excuse me." You've just DISTURBED that guy. You've just
invaded his peace of mind. You've just upset his RIGHT TO STAND IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE GROCERY AISLE. A FIST FIGHT is possible.
Another
example: shushing in movie theaters. I'm a big advocate of shushing. I'm a
championship shusher. Of course, you can only use the shush if you
are four seats or less away from the loudmouth. Any farther away than
that, and you bother everbody EXCEPT the talker. Anyhow, my point is that
shushing can cause FIST FIGHTS. Shushing used to cause SHAME. That's why
people did it. You would shush somebody, and the person would think, "Gee
whiz, was I talkin that loud?" And it would be OVER. Today, people wanna
ARGUE WITH THE SHUSHER!
I took a trip on Amtrak with my buddy Randy
and his girlfriend. A couple of 12-year-olds kept running up and down the
aisle, disturbing everyone's sleep, and so Randy finally said, "Hey, you
boys decide where you're gonna sit. You're botherin everybody." And they
were MAD ABOUT IT! They wanted to argue, defy, yell at him about their
rights.
I had to wade into it myself. The conductor had to be
notified.
The boys had to be threatened with being put off the
train before order was restored. All because they were doing something
EVERYBODY regards as DUMB. Listen up, people. When I was 12 years old, I
ran up and down aisles, until grown-ups made me stop. I've been known to
block a grocery aisle. I've been known to talk too loud in a movie
theater. The only difference is that, when somebody pointed out what a
JERK I was being, I just apologized and went on with life.
I
didn't think I had to fight my way back into respectability. We're gonna
get in each other's way, talk too loud and irritate the public peace.
That's why we have words like "Excuse me" and "Hey, hold it down over
there" and "I'd preciate it if you'd put a lid on it"--so that we can all
get on through life WITHOUT havin FIST FIGHTS. What changed? Did we run
out of REAL stuff to fight over? Let's lighten up a little,
okay?
And speaking of flicks you'll wanna hear every word of, The Guyver is an excellent example of the dark side of Mark Hamill's
post-"Star Wars" career. It's about this appliance that turns you into a
big metal insect when you stick it on your forehead, which is what happens
to this young kung-fu student --NOT played by Mark Hamill--and these
hip-hop monsters come after him--also not Mark Hamill --and an evil
corporate meanie threatens to turn his girlfriend into a giant slug--
neither of whom are played by Mark Hamill. So what does Mark Hamill do in
this movie?
Well, I'm not rightly sure.
I'll do the
drive-in totals at the first break.
[fading] This is one of those
movies where they got carried away with the monster special effects and
they forgot there might be actual PEOPLE watching. Some of these effects
nerds, they spend so much time in their apartments that they start
hallucinating about EVERYTHING, you know.
They think their
landlady is a Zoanoid."
"The Guyver" Commercial Break #1
"Okaaaay, pretty promising
start. We got some nasty slimy monsters and the gratuitous evil corporate
executive played by David Gale as only David Gale can play it. How many
times did he do that same role? Twenty? Can you tell this is 
based on a
comic book? It's got that over-the-top acting going on. It's kind of a
hybrid of Asian and American styles. That's because the producer got all
these investors for the film from Japan, Korea and Taiwan, who were making
a ton of movies in Hong Kong and Japan, but they weren't really thrilled
with em, they wanted the ole Hollywood touch. BUT they also didn't want to
give up control to some runny-nosed USC film school grad, so they hired
two Asian directors, Screaming Mad George, this crazy Japanese punk guy
who went to art school in New York, known for wearing Ninja clothes and
make-up, and Steve Wang, who was born in Taiwan but basically grew up in
California. And they hired Vivian Wu, who's Chinese, and Mark Hamill, who
they figured gave em that Hollywood thing, even though at this point,
eight years after "Return of the Jedi," Mark was going through a pretty
big dry spell, the old unexplained gap in the resume, if you know what I
mean. Anyhow, I don't know if they really carry the whole thing off like
they do in Big Trouble in Little China, which we had on MonsterVision a while back, also done in that
kung-fu comic-book style, but I think more successfully.
Those drive-in
totals; We have: 
Eleven dead bodies.
Two furry breasts.
Arm breaking.
Leg breaking.
Gang tossing.
Arm ripping.
Saw blade to the head.
Knee to the groin.
Head-butting.
Eye-poking.
Ear rolls.
Exploding Zoanoid.
Imploding
Zoanoids.
Multiple fist fights.
Kung fu.
Microscope
fu.
Two stars. Check it out, and I'll be here for a full night of
Luke Skywalker reminiscing. Okay, let's get back to "The
Guyver."
[fading] The great Michael Berryman almost pulling his own
eyeball out at the end of that last segment. He's made a career outta
lookin like a mutant before he even gets to the make-up trailer. Casting
directors have him in their permanent Rolodex under Crazy-Looking-Guys.
First seen, if I'm not mistaken, in "The Hills Have Eyes," one of
Wes Craven's very early films, and one of his best. Michael Berryman was
the head nuclear-mutated baby-eating cannibal. He's been riding that ever
since, hasn't he?"
"The Guyver" Commercial Break #2
"So Sean is now "The
Guyver." I think they must've purposely cast a kid who looks kinda like
Mark Hamill, cause on the poster they had Mark Hamill's name real big
across the top, and then they had a picture of the kid with half his face
covered up by the guyver mask so you pretty much think THAT'S Mark. This
was probly to make up for the fact that they sold the movie idea to the
suits in Taiwan by telling em they got Luke Skywalker, but they didn't
tell em that Luke Skywalker was forty years old and wasn't exactly in
tip-top kung fu shape. Not that this kid they GOT knows any actual
aikido--you guys notice that any time there threatens to be a kung fu
scene, it turns into a brawl after about two seconds?
Okay, let's
keep it going.
[fading] You know that little scene at the Chinese
gal's apartment when there's a knock at the door and Mark Hamill tells her
"Be careful," so she opens the door without looking through the peephole
or using the chain or anything? That's a big part of the South Korean
cinema--a reckless disregard for danger.
Of course, that gal,
Vivian Wu, has a reckless disregard for ACTING. That scene was PAINFUL.
"The Guyver? What is that?"
"The Guyver" Commercial Break #3
"It's an HOMAGE. It's an
HOMAGE to Invaders From Mars. Right? The little holes in the back of the
neck? And then we have Jimmy "JJ" Walker, as the gold-neck-chain monster,
wandering onto a movie set so the filmmakers can spoof their own movie.
They love to do that, don't they? And that was, of course, Linnea Quigley
doing a cameo as the screamer.
If you're new to the planet, Linnea
is one of the great B-movie queens, appearing in "Silent Night, Deadly
Night," Return of the Living Dead, "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers,"
"Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama," the list goes on and on.
"Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout," where she teaches aerobics to a bunch
of zombie bimbos.
Great flick.
And speaking of great
flicks, I wish we had one tonight--I mean, let's get back to the one we
have tonight. Roll it.
[fading] Do you gals like Mark Hamill with
the mustache? I'm not sure if he's trying for the Old West look, or the
West Hollywood look, or what. Somebody told me he grew it to cover up the
damage from some big car accident he was in. But we'll talk about that
next break. This flick is too good to hold up. Vivian Wu has another big
emotional moment coming up. Boy can that girl EMOTE."
"The Guyver" Commercial Break #4
"Enough monsters for you?
At least we won't get any hate mail tonight. "Joe Bob, what happened to
the MONSTERS! That's not a MONSTER MOVIE! Why do you call it "MONSTER
Vision?" So we've GOT your goldang monsters tonight, okay? It's
not that EASY to come up with 104 monster movies a year, you know? But
here's a question: Why do these kung fu guys think it's faster to
back-flip sixteen times over to their opponent than just RUN over to him?
I'd really like someone to answer that for me.
Anyhow, I'm
sure you're all wondering, So what happened to Mark Hamill? I mean besides
get written out of this movie, which seems to be the case. First of all,
he was supposedly in this so-called debilitating accident after "Star
Wars" where he crashed his brand-new BMW and messed up his looks and his
career.
But people forget that it was after "Star Wars," but
BEFORE The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi and of course,
my favorite, "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia." His nose looked a
little different afterwards, but he didn't turn into a freak or anything.
It was really after "Jedi" that he had his slump, and he chalked
it up to being too old to play kids, and too young-looking to play anyone
who'd had a life. By this time he was married, and they moved to New York
so Mark could do Broadway--he did "The Elephant Man" for a few weeks, and
"Amadeus," but that didn't get him too far. And when he got back to El
Lay, people had forgotten about him.
I mean, he'd get offers to do
cameos on The Muppet Show (as both Luke Skywalker and himself), stuff like that.
One
of his most famous appearances was in a "Simpsons" episode where they do a
production of "Guys and Dolls" and he sings "Luck Be A Jedi Tonight."
Anyway, then he hit on voice-over work, and became the official voice of
The Joker in the "Batman" cartoon, and then he started doin ALL KINDS of
animated stuff, some of it pretty cool, like Ren and Stimpy and "Cow and
Chicken." And if you don't watch TV with your kids on Saturday mornings,
you probly have no idea how much Mark Hamill works these days. "The
Incredible Hulk," Scooby Doo on Zombie Island-- this guy is no has-been.
He works more than most of the actors EYE know.
Okay,
there's your Mark Hamill update. Back to "The Guyver."
[fading]
It's an ironic counterpoint to Mark's problem after Star Wars of being
typecast as the goodie-good that he now gets typecast as flamboyant bad
guys in the animation world. Ironic counterpoint-- you like that? It means
"stuff that I thought of that you didn't."
"The Guyver" Commercial Break #5
"Oh good, an Exposition
Scene by the lecherous Chairman of the Board--and only an hour and a half
into the movie! So let me get this straight: aliens created man as
a weapon, but they weren't really men, they were werewolves and vampires.
But most of em were men. They BECAME monsters. Somehow. And the
aliens also created the Guyver, which not only contains a made-to-order
Robocop suit, but it also spews intestinal goop as a way to clone itself.
Is that about right? It still doesn't make any sense, but I think that's
what he said. David Gale as the lascivious corporate weenie. "Lascivious,"
meaning "licking one's fingers after feeling up a captive Chinese girl who
never learned how to whimper in acting class." You guys may know David
from "Reanimator" and "Bride of Reanimator." And those of you familiar
with those flicks probly also recognized the cameo by Jeffrey Combs as Dr.
East--he played Herbert WEST in the Reanimator movies. Little inside
joke there.
Okay, let's go see what Mark Hamill's being turned into
in the mutant lab. Roll it.
[fading] These evil corporate-types
always want to get into the White House. Why? Why don't they ever try to
take over Alan Greenspan's office? Wouldn't that be more effective?
"We have a secret mutant Alan Greenspan clone. Alan Greenspan is
at this very moment being held in suspended animation in a glass cubicle
somewhere in the catacombs underneath Bill Gates' mansion. In fact, Bill
Gates is a mutant."
Bill Gates MIGHT be a mutant, you know?
"The Guyver" Commercial Break #6
"Lots of running and
fighting and sparks flying in that last part. And what would a mutant
alien B-movie be without an homage to Alien? Homage--that's another word
for overt rip-off. That was actually a double-homage, with the Jaws
motif thrown in there. Ripping off two movies at the SAME TIME--that's not
easy to do, lemme tell ya. Anyhow, you know what just occurred to me is
that these guys who change into monsters three times a day must really go
through the wardrobe, with all that clothes-ripping that goes with the
territory. I always wondered about that with Superman--how he could afford
to replace his street clothes so often.
Did he have like a little
fanny pack under his cape or something where he stashed his suit?
You know? Someone's gotta think of these things.
Okay,
let's go see how this baby ends.
[fading] Use the Force, Luke! How
many times do you think Mark Hamill's heard THAT in his life? 8 or 9
Jillion? Mark, if you're watching, I just have one thing to say about
that: "Use the Force, Luke!" 9 Jillion and one."
"The Guyver" Outro
"When the evil Chronos president grabs
her, she doesn't even REACT. It's like, "Should I stand here while you
hold me hostage?" Great roaring-ram lizard-monster there at the end,
though. Am I the only one who was uncomfortable when the two of em were
sittin there staring at the guy's wangdoodle? Could that have gone on any
longer? And what was really weird is that after she gave him the lab coat
and he got up to leave, he had tennies on. How come the guyver cloned his
tennis shoes, but it didn't clone him any underwear? Anyhow, that was The
Guyver, and there IS a Guyver 2--I'm sure you're all gonna be out lookin for that one."
Host segment transcript of 3/13/99 broadcast
©1999 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved
