Part 18. Sex
Iím going to tell you what has been happening with Peter and I. No, we havenít slept together yet. But, weíve come pretty close. I know I want to. Heís so sexy. I think about it all the time, but when it comes closeÖ I donít know. I just freak out because Iíve never done it before. I canít seem to get over it. Every time we come close, heís ready and everything, but I have to keep on apologising. He says he understands. Iím glad he does. And I donít have the courage to talk about it. It was like when I was depressed. I eventually built up the courage to go and see the doctor about it, but it was really three years late. When I was at my worst I wanted to die so badly. Fortunately I had the little bit of optimism to get me through. I kept on thinking itíd get better, but it didnít. Small things that went wrong got me depressed. When I went to the doctor I started on the pills. 1 every morning with food. Because I had ups and downs I started to wonder if I really needed them or not. But now Iím glad I did. Iím much, much happier and Iím not so bad in crowds or at parties. So I took the plunge and it was worth it. Maybe I should forget about my worries and just do it. After all it is with Peter, and I know heíll be gentle. Now all Iíve got to do is get over my nerves. I was so nervous at the doctorís. And then after I was nervous that everyone would find out and hate me. I told my best friend pretty much straight away. She was good about it. It took me ages to tell mum. When I finally did she took it real well. And that was that. So Sophie, Iíve just got to get over my fears. I can do it. Maybe I should talk to Peter about it.
I did it. I talked to Peter. It took a lot of guts. I was so nervous.
"UmÖ well, I justÖ"
"Ah, we need to talk."
"Ok. What about?"
"Um, you seeÖ itís just thatÖ"
Peter looked at me expectantly to say something.
"WellÖ itísÖ umÖ" I didnít think Iíd be able to get it out. I was fiddling with a pen I had picked up, and almost broke it in two.
"Whatís wrong Eb? You seem nervous."
"Well, IÖ sort of amÖ"
"Why? Is something wrong? You donít want to breakÖ"
"No." I said quickly "Itís not thatÖ"
"What then?" Peter was looking quite confused
"Well, itís aboutÖ" I stalled and he looked at me waiting for it. "Itís about umÖ our.. umÖourÖ sex life." I finally got it out. Now all I had to do was wait for a response from Peter.
"What about it?" He asked. He was taking it very well I thought.
"Well, the fact that weÖ donít have one."
"Oh. Well, you know that I donít mind that you want to take it slow."
"Yeah. About that."
"What? You donít want to take it slow?"
"Um, not exactly. I do, but I donít.
"Well, I just feel thatÖ I might be ready."
"Ohhh. That. You know that Iíll do whatever, whenever you want."
"Yeah, itís just that, every time it comes close, I freak out."
"Mmm. Yeah, Iíve kinda noticed that."
"Itís not that I donít want toÖ I just getÖ scared.. sort of."
"Right. Well, you donít have to worry Eb. Iíll be gentle."
"Yeah, I know. Itís just thatÖ"
"Youíre scared thatÖ" he stopped to think for a second "it wonít fit in?"
"Oh, no. I know that it will. Itís stretchy enough for a babyís head to fit through."
"Well, Iíve just heard that it hurts your first time."
"Iíve never had something thatÖ big in there before."
"Iíll be gentle Eb. All you have to do is relax a bit. Itíll be ok."
I was so relieved after that. Iím glad that we talked about it. We relaxed after that, and tried to forget about what we just talked about. He was so good about it, I just had to kiss him. He didnít complain, of course.
Things have been getting more intense since our chat, and itís only been a couple of days. I have a feeling that itís coming soon. Weíve been dating for 2 and a half months now. Is that a normal amount of time before we start having sex? I mean, I know some start straight away - like Davy and Tina, and some wait - like Micky and Di. I suppose itís different for all couples.
I canít stop thinking about it. I mean, Iím still shit-scared but still, I really want it to happen. Weíve decided that it has to be the exact right place and time to do it. We almost did it yesterday, but we both stopped. We want it to be special. Not just anytime, anywhere.
Part 17/ Storybook/ Part 19