Interview Lady: Hello! And welcome, everyone, to the newly renamed MSRF radio station. Yes, I'm aware that we change the name a lot. Anyway, I’ll take a moment to remind our audience that Interview Lady’s Interview Hour is a televised radio program, which means that it’s really a radio show, but it broadcasts live on TV as well. Our guests today are two FBI agents. Now, now, I promise it’s more interesting than it sounds. They work on a division called the X-Files, where they investigate cases involving the paranormal.
Scully: Or in the event that they’re closed down, HE continues chasing little green men and I actually make use of the time by teaching at Quantico.
Mulder: Scully, how many times must I tell you and the rest of the world? They aren’t green, they’re GRAY!
Scully: That’s not the topic here.
IL: Hey! Can I please finish introducing you?
Mulder: Well-
(Scully claps a hand over his mouth)
Scully: Yes you may. And Mulder is going to shut up and listen. Right Mulder?
IL: Thank you. Now, these two have had hundreds of adventures but then, as a general rule all these things only lead to more questions. Hopefully, we will have some of those questions answered today. First of all - Mulder, when you disappeared in May of 2000, everyone *knew* you were abducted by aliens. Everybody screamed in fear when they found you again - dead. And yet here you are, talking with us today (after a long and complicated story which basically said that by taking you off life support you were brought back whole and unharmed). How is that possible?
Mulder: Oh please. I’m invincible, everyone knows that. I can count dozens of times attempts have been made on my life. And yet I never die.
IL: Well, if you weren’t dead then what WERE you?
Mulder: Well, I went off on a long, long search to find my sister…
Scully: *snorts* Like we don’t search for his sister enough. "My sister was abducted by aliens when I was 12 and she was 8. I mean, my sister lives in an dream-world with my REAL father, the Smoking Man. No, I mean my sister died when she was 14 and is now starlight, except when she comes back to Ghost Lake where she plays with all her other little murdered-children friends!" If we look for your sister ONE MORE DAMN TIME, I’m going personally stuff your head into a guillotine.
Voice: The Little Sailor makes her first appearance.
Scully: Who’s that?!
Voice: It’s me, Voice.
Scully: Obviously it's a voice. Who is it coming from?
Voice: Just ME. Voice. I’m a voice, a disembodied voice, who hangs out the studio and terrifies the hell out of the guests.
Scully: Uh-uh. I came to this stupid interview to get AWAY from the paranormal. I am not going to sit here while some…THING tells me it’s a disembodied voice.
Mulder: Hm, this is interesting. It could be a poltergeist, of sorts, or perhaps a soul who has come back to take care of unfinished business and, having completed the task, had the gate back to the spirit world closed on them and been unable to return.
(Scully stares at him, jaw open slightly)
Mulder: Close your mouth, Scully, you’ve heard weirder.
Scully: Of course I’ve heard weirder. It’s just that, with the exception of the faux-crop circles, I’ve never heard one so stupid.
Voice: I told you, I’m not a ghost. I’m a disembodied voice. Not a human, never was a human. Merely a voice.
IL: Don’t ask, it insults Voice. Just let her butt in occasionally. So anyway, Mulder, DID you find your sister?
Mulder: You know, I actually didn’t, and I had the Lone Gunmen out all over the world tracking every bitty lead that anyone ever gave us. I could have gone on for at least another year, but I thought I’d better come back at some point.
IL: So Skinner was in on this too?
Mulder: Naturally. And let me tell you, I have to congratulate both him and Scully on their wonderful performances. They really had the ravaged looks down.
IL: OK…and you had to come back dead, why?
Mulder: Oh, the drama. It was really quite entertaining. For example, Scully, watching you put up that convincing hysterical screaming act was the most fun I'd had in months.
Scully: Mulder, shut up.
IL: Then what was the whole spaceship thing?
Mulder: Well OK, that was a real spaceship. And let me tell you, it was a pain in the ass to have to pretend to be dead when there was a real spaceship hovering over my head. Scully, how come you got to see the UFO and I didn’t?!
Scully: What, sliding down the hull in Antarctica wasn’t thrilling enough for you?
Mulder: HAH! I KNEW you saw that spaceship!
IL: OK, OK, we had a lot of violence last time you came around. We’re going to try and stay civilized this time, all right? This show really IS about answering questions. Like this one, for example...I'm confused about how long you've been pregnant. Mulder vanished in late May. The very next day, you leaned you were pregnant (terrific timing, by the way). By February, you still weren’t showing. Can you shed some light on why you seem to have the gestation period of an elephant?
Scully: Well, I TOLD Doggett these weren’t normal babies. This only adds to my proof that it isn’t a normal baby. It’s obviously an alien, which is why I’m just barely beginning to show even though by all rights I should be ready to give birth now.
Mulder: *turning red* You two ladies can discuss…um…nature’s way for a while longer and how about if I just go out and get us all…coffee? *heads for the door*
Voice: Going somewhere? (Oblivious, IL and Scully chat on)
Mulder: Yeah. Out for coffee while they ponder over the stupid kid.
Voice: Are you afraid to take responsibility for your actions?
Mulder: My actions? What do you mean ‘my actions’? The in-vitro didn’t work and she just TOLD you it’s an alien baby.
Voice: Uh-huh.
Mulder: What are you suggesting, exactly?
Voice: *irritatingly smug* Oh nothing.
Mulder: You think something happened after she had the vision in the Buddhist temple, don’t you?!?!
Voice: *all innocence* Now just why would you mention that particular time? I didn’t say anything at all. Although if you’re going to mention it… Scully fell asleep on the couch. And yet the next morning, she went into the bedroom to get her jacket. Now why would her jacket be in there?
Mulder: How the hell do you know that; are you spying on me?? SHUT UP! (swats at the air, until he sees Scully and IL looking at him)
IL: What are you doing?
Scully: Mulder, is that brain condition coming back?
Mulder: (weakly) That voice…it, it was making nasty comments…
Scully: I didn’t hear anything.
Mulder: (confused) But…but it was just talking to me..
Voice: I’m in your head, Mulder. No one can hear me but you.
Mulder: (mumbling) What is this, "Angels In The Outfield"? Now go away.
Voice: But I like you Mulder. That’s the pleasure of being a voice, I can go into anyone’s head and read all their thoughts.
Mulder: (thinking) Here’s a thought. LEAVE.
Voice: (silky smooth) No, I like your head Mulder. It’s like reading a fascinating action novel.
Mulder: (out loud) GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!
Scully: Mulder! Do we have to recommit you to the neuro/psyche ward at Georgetown Memorial Hospital?
Voice: Tell them you’d rather go to Calmwood.
Mulder: I’d rather go to Calmwood!
IL: No Mulder, we are NOT going to Calmwood Mental Hospital.
Voice: (now speaking for everyone to hear) In Springfield.
Scully: SPRINGFIELD?! No. We are NEVER, EVER, EVER going back to Springfield. EVER!
Mulder: Oh, but Scully, wasn’t it fun to sit around talking to the human blimp and finding out the alien was really just a drugged and radioactive power plant owner?
Scully: No.
Mulder: But you seemed to be enjoying singing the song at the end. Hey, do you still have your "Homer Is A Dope" T-shirt? I forgot to buy one. Can I have yours?
Scully: It’s a pink shirt, Mulder.
Voice: Take it, Muldy, Girly Man Extraordinaire.
Mulder: What the hell kind of name is Muldy?!
(IL: Note how he doesn’t react to "Girly Man.")
Voice: Your nickname. We like to call you Muldy.
IL: Actually, I kind of preferred the term Molder. That was a good one.
Voice: Not as good as D.K.
Scully: Who calls me that?!
Mulder: D.K. I like it.
Scully: Shut up, Muldy.
Voice: And then we called her Mrs. Spooky.
IL: Oh yeah, Mrs. Spooky was fun.
Scully: Do you want us to talk about anything worthwhile or not?!
Voice: I’m bored. They aren’t beating each other up. It's been over ten minutes and yet not a single punch has been landed.
IL: Of course not Voice, that’s because they have too much fun with their verbal wars.
Voice: But I like bloody fistfights.
IL: Oh, don’t worry, we’ll have those when Doggett appears. Or Krycek. There’s lots of things that provoke Mulder.
Scully: Okay, look, I’m going to leave in about three seconds-
Voice: Woo! I got her magical cross necklace! *everyone stares as the gold necklace floats through the air*
Scully: GIMME THAT!! IT’S MINE! MULDER, HELP ME!
IL: I remember when she said that…it was way back in 1999 when she was trying to wake him up from that brain surgery thing.
Mulder: Do you two like, follow us around with little cameras or WHAT?
Voice: *gets a good idea* OK, you can have it back. I have a better question for our little friends.
Scully: *grabs the cross and shoves it in her pocket, sticking up her middle finger* What is it?
Voice: Wanna know what the letters on our station stand for?
Mulder: Not really.
Voice: The M is for Mulder, the S is for Scully, take a guess at "R"…
Scully: SHUT! UP!
Voice: Oh, but you two make such an adorable wittle couple…especially on New Year’s Eve…
Mulder: WHERE ARE THOSE HIDDEN CAMERA TAPES?!?!?!
Hey, wait a minute…THAT’S how that little movie guy, Chuck Federman or whatever, knew about the bee! He put his "No ifs, ands, or bees," in his movie. It disturbed me, but now I know where he got a hold of that! You are EVIL.
IL: I’m not evil, I’m a reporter. I need news. You two provide large quantities of it.
Scully: Okay, I have a *lot* of things I need to do at the FBI, so either make with the questions or I’m leaving.
Mulder: You’re not leaving before I leave.
Scully: You don’t have a job. You have no reason to leave.
Mulder: I do so have a job.
Scully: Trying to work your way onto the Lone Gunmen newspaper while making a bigger idiot of yourself than Jimmy doesn’t count.
IL: *sigh* Okay, we’ll ask some normal questions. Except I don't seem to have any left...
Voice: I do, I do!
IL: No Scullet advocating.
Voice: But I liiiiiiike it.
Scully: Huh?
Voice: Admit it, you are secretly attracted to Agent John Doggett. You adore his Manly ways and the fact that you don’t have to spend your time hauling him away from that OH SO interesting paranormal and alien activity, and you especially love his ice blue eyes and the way that despite the fact that he lost his son, he doesn’t go searching for him constantly.
Mulder: First the pizza man, now your new partner?? I should have just stayed dead.
Scully: Will you STOP accusing the pizza guy?!
Mulder: Not until I get good, solid proof that he’s above suspicion.
Voice: *stage whisper* The proof he refers to is a big, juicy kiss.
IL: VOICE! For the last time, all kissing has been banned in my studio.
Voice: Yolei and TK making out didn't amuse you?
IL: *ignoring her* Does this pizza man, have a name, perchance?
Mulder: Pizza guys have names??
Scully: We are SO leaving.
Mulder: What, you’ve got autopsies to be done?
Scully: Yes.
Mulder: You must have had a ton of fun in biology.
Scully: Actually, I’ve got a funny story about that…in my senior year of high school, for advanced biology, we had to dissect cats and the teacher played a tape of mewing in the background.
IL: I fail to find that funny.
Mulder: *snickers* How did you wind up with all the sick and twisted teachers? Which reminds me, what else did you take besides German and Latin and Greek and all those other dead languages you know so much about?
Scully: German is not dead.
Mulder: It should be.
IL: Nobody’s leaving. I will use physical violence and extreme force if necessary.
(Scully opens her mouth to protest)
IL: Being pregnant is not an acceptable means of escape from such force.
Scully: Why not?!?!
IL: Because kids suck.
Scully: Hey! Do you know the hell I’ve gone through to finally HAVE this kid? In-vitro, three dozen doctors trying to… re-install the things-
Voice: "Re-install" the "things"?? What advanced medical terms.
Scully: -prayers, spiritual healers…
Voice: Finally resorting to some cheap wine and Mulder’s apartment…
Scully: Oh my GOD will you SHUT UP?!
IL: Much as I hate to agree, I WILL have to ask Voice to keep her comments and speculations rated below X.
Mulder: But X is my favorite letter!
Voice: As should be obvious.
Mulder: *blushing* I meant "x" as in "X-Files," of course.
Voice: Yah-huh. Sure you did.
IL: Say, Voice, what happened to my Pretty Colors…drugsandstuff?
Voice: Well, hehe, funny story, I think Natalie stole it all when she trashed the place.
Scully: Who’s Natalie?
(IL points. Scully turns to see a dartboard with a grinning face on it, holding her valedictorian certificate with IL scowling in the background, the salutatorian. A second dartboard’s background is a "wanted" poster that explains how Natalie overthrew Stephanie and trashed her station and ruined her bimonthly radio series)
Scully: Oh.
Voice: Eh, there’s gotta be a joint or something around here…
Scully: All right, for the last time, I have a very fragile pregnancy going. I’d like it if the kid were less screwed up than Mulder.
Mulder: I am not screwed up!
Scully: *raises eyebrows* You chase the paranormal relentlessly and flaunt authority constantly-(Mulder: Like you never help.) and eventually got yourself thrown out of the FBI. Your family has all died under mysterious circumstances, and the first thing you did when you got out of the hospital after being brought back to life was ditch me and run off trying to tell the world that aliens were colonizing the planet.
Mulder: I did not ditch you!
Scully: At least not until you dragged the password out of me.
Mulder: *pause* OK yeah then I ditched you. But THEN I came back and apologized -
Scully: And started accusing the pizza guy.
Mulder: Hey, I know your history. I have personally seen you go grinning after at least half a dozen guys and heard about the other half dozen. I had reason to be worried.
Scully: Oh, and you expect me to just forget about Phoebe and Diana, not to MENTION the hundreds of nameless women from the phone/magazines/videos?? Besides, Mulder…I haven’t been on a date in 7 years. Mulder: But what about the - never mind. The tattooed psychopath was really more of a one night stand.
Scully: I maintain that I was under the influence of drugs in the tattoo paint.
Mulder: Mm, and gee, how did we GET that tattoo? Because we asked a sleazy man to take us to a sleazier bar?
Scully: "We" did nothing. *I* did that. I mean…
Mulder: HAH!
Scully: Let’s pretend that weekend never happened, OK?
Mulder: Fine. EXCLUDING Scully’s one night stand -
Scully: MULDER!
Mulder: - there was last year…
Scully: A night on the town with you and a Bureau credit card does not count as a date.
Mulder: *grumpily* Does too. Anyway, also you were makin’ sheep’s eyes at the buck-toothed cowboy-
Scully: I remind you, he does in fact *NOT* have buck teeth.
Mulder: Right, he’s got more like fangs.
Scully: Fine. And he was not a cowboy, he was a sheriff.
Mulder: Yeah, that’s why he was wearing a Stetson.
Scully: He was not wearing a Stetson.
Mulder: All right, fork over the tape. I know you have one. Settle the dispute.
IL: No, I don’t think I should do that. Then you’d demand to see the other 180 tapes.
Mulder: YOU HAVE 180 TAPES ABOUT US?!?!?!
IL: It’s only 1 hour a tape…
Mulder: YOU HAVE 180 HOURS OF US ON TAPE?!?!
IL: You do not get to see the tape. But I will tell you that Scully’s right.
Mulder: GR…
Voice: Bloody fistfight anyone? Pretty Colors marijuana?
Scully: *flicks Voice off*
Voice: Oooh, non-verbal swearing. That’s new.
Scully: This is at least the third time I've flicked you off.
IL: I’m bored. Why aren’t the two of you saying anything fun?
Scully: Because we are not here to entertain you. We are here so Mulder will stop begging me for money. Mulder: I do not beg you for money! *pause* I ask to borrow it.
Scully: You mean the, "Scully, there’s a triple-X bill that needs to paid only I spent my welfare check on tapes containing "proof" of government/alien conspiracies," asking?
Mulder: Ummm…no?
IL: I command you to stop being boring!
Voice: Oh, that will work well. No, if you want to set them off, you have to bring in something that provokes them or else tell one dirty secrets about the other.
IL: No guest stars. Not yet.
Voice: You’re the boss. Hey Mulder, wanna read the rest of Scully’s Cancer Journal? Come on, you know you want to. Come on…(the book appears, dangling in the air in front of him)
Scully: HEY! GIMME THAT! How does all my stuff keep appearing in mid-air?
Mulder: Well, I really shouldn’t…
Scully: Darn right you shouldn’t! GIMME IT! NOW!
Mulder: On the other hand, if she’s this desperate to keep me from reading it, it’s gotta be good! (he opens the cover and starts flipping through the pages)
Scully: AH! (Scully jumps up and starts chasing him around the room. Mulder calmly stays 5 steps ahead of her and holds the book too high for her to reach, pretending to read as he goes)
Mulder: Wow… "Mulder, I’m afraid I’m going to die soon. I only wish I could have told you how madly, passionately, head over heels in love with you I am."
Scully: It does NOT say that! He’s lying! Don’t listen to him!
Voice: What does it say?
Scully: Umm…I don’t remember.
Voice: Well then how do you know that’s not what it says?
Mulder: The voice makes a good point, Scully. Let’s see what else there is.
"Man, Mulder is one really hot guy. Why didn’t I see that before?"
Scully: I did not write that!!
IL: You mean you just thought it? Scully: ARGH! Why does half the world believe I’m in love with that man?!
Voice: I don’t know. Perhaps because you ARE.
Mulder: Can’t argue with half the world. Let’s read another one, OK-DK?
"Last night, I was visited by various ghosts, including Ahab, Clyde Bruckman, a woman who called herself "Maude", and some kid with blond hair I’d never seen before. Clyde wanted to know why the hell I couldn’t keep Queequeg alive for half a year, Ahab demanded to know why I hadn’t married my studly partner already, the woman chanted ‘Homer Simpson’ until I screamed and hit her over the head, and the kid with blond hair said ‘I see living people.’ As the images began to fade away, I woke up and demanded more morphine."
Scully: Mulder, you put that down right now or I’ll box your ears!
(Voice begins laughing wildly - "‘Box his ears?’ HAHAHA!")
Mulder: You’ll have to jump. C’mon little Scully, jump! You can have the journal if you can reach it.
Scully: FOX FREAKIN’ MULDY, you give me my journal THIS INSTANT! I remind you, I am talented with both gun and scalpel.
Mulder: Actually, I thought you were rather talented at getting whacked upside the left temple.
Scully: You’ll regret saying that. (Scully swings her gun and hits him upside the left temple.)
IL: Scully! You just knocked out half my entertainment!
Scully: I am NOT entertainment. I’m leaving.
IL: Voice, time to shine.
Voice: No you aren’t. Hey, are you afraid of needles?
Scully: *snort* I should hope not, seeing as how I’ve been in the hospital about a hundred times.
Voice: Cool. *jabs a needle into her arm. Don’t even ask how a voice can do that*
Scully: HEY! Oooh…wait a second…those are some mighty pretty colors.
IL: Now, the drug will take a second to kick in - oh HANG UP the phones, her stupid progeny will be unharmed. (all the lights go off) Thank you. Honestly, this world is too obsessed with child protection and prenatal care.
Now, while it’s kicking in, let me explain this stuff. Pretty Colors was discovered a while ago; it’s a hallucinogenic substance which pacifies those who take it and causes them to see pretty colors, and then believe they see/are talking to a specific group of people. Since the government doesn’t know about it, it’s not technically illegal, but it probably would be if they did. The drug is available in alcoholic, injection, marijuana or pill form. Pretty Colors drugs are a major form of entertainment around here, so get used to them.
Scully: Weee…see the pretty colors going round and round…oh no, Bob get out of the colors! Get out get out get out! No, Ace, don’t lock Eliza Jane in the closet! Hey, look, it’s a flying pink elephant. Oh my god! That yellow rabbit just ate it! Wait, now the rabbit is purple! He says he’s Color Changing Bunny and he’s very mean and that he lives in the yellow house next to Bob’s cardboard house on the rock.
Oh, now Bob is crying because Color Changing Bunny took Bob’s lunch and stomped on it (his lunch of crayons). Here Bob, have a purple crayon, special gift from me.
(Her weird discussion goes on for several more minutes, however at this point the sound goes out. IL gets P.O.ed because people doing Pretty Colors rarely say the same thing twice. Silent commercials go on instead, until Mulder wakes up and the sound is back seconds later)
Mulder: Ow. Scully, that was very mean. Especially since I did nothing to provoke you.
Scully: What the hell? You stole my journal and made fun of me.
Mulder: Fine, a LITTLE something. You’re just lucky I didn’t end up in a hospital, because if I wake up in one of those crappy little beds ONE MORE TIME, I’m just going to jump up and start pummeling the doctors. I’ll bet I’ve been in a hospital like 50 times in the last 7 years.
Scully: Hey, you know what? I’ve been in the hospital WAY more than you. I had CANCER. That was good for a lot of big visits.
Mulder: Uh-huh. That it?
Scully: Well…let’s see. I blame my being abducted 6 years ago completely on you…that was good for a lengthy, comatose stay during which I almost died.
Mulder: Uh-huh, I’m still not seeing a large total number here.
Scully: Oh yeah? Then how many times were YOU in one?!
Mulder: Trying to save you from the stupid bee got me shot point-blank past the temple - see, I never die - and of course, that whole elaborate stay after I came back "dead…"
Scully: OOH, the baby, that was good for a lot of visits too. I even get to go back in like 2 weeks.
IL: And now to turn to the age old question: How DID Mulder and Scully get back from Antarctica, since he ran out of gas in his SnoCat?
Mulder: Hmm…we’ve made up a whole list of possible ways it happened. Which one do you want to hear? IL: How about the real one?
Mulder: OK. Umm…we walked back.
IL: That’s a lie.
Mulder: *gasp* How did you know??
Scully: Gee, Mulder, maybe because you can’t WALK across the ocean?
Mulder: Maybe you can’t.
Scully: Actually, the Cigarette Smoking Man came back to give us a lift.
IL: Well…that KIND of makes sense. He likes watching you two for entertainment as much as I do. Voice: Plus he loves Scully.
Mulder: See, Scully, you have at least two dozen secret admirers. We could avoid this whole problem if you and I just tied the knot.
Scully: Mulder, are you ever going to stop this? Why don’t you go…talk to Tea Leoni, or something? Better yet, Gary Shandling! No wait, Alex Krycek!! HEEHEEHEE!!
Mulder: Um, where did that come from?
Scully: *giggle* I don’t know!
IL: Don’t take it personally. Somebody gets accused of being gay at least twice every show. It’s gotta be something in the air.
Mulder: Oh yeah? Well I notice that you’re not married. What’s THAT about?
Voice: Ooooohhh! *whistle*
IL: VOICE!
Voice: HEEHEEHEE!
IL: You’re on very thin ice here, Mr. Mulder.
Mulder: Do your worst.
IL: At any given second, I could have…DIANA FOWLEY come into this room.
Mulder: Eeek! I promise to be good!
Scully: I thought you wanted to know how we got out of Antarctica.
IL: Oh yeah. I forgot.
Mulder: Scully, why did you have to say that? We almost got out of answering the question!
Scully: Whoops.
IL: So, Mulder, what other excuses do you have?
Mulder: Well…uh…*digs a sheet of paper out of his pocket* Here’s my list.
A) The aliens came back and gave us a ride.
B ) A wizard came and cast a spell and we rode a unicorn home.
C) A section of the ice broke off and we floated until a cruise ship gave us a lift.
D) I discovered that snow can be used as SnoCat fuel.
E) Scully chanted "There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…"
IL: I see. So in other words, you both blacked out and when you woke up you were in D.C.
(Mulder says nothing)
Scully: Yep. And I saw no spaceship.
Mulder: But like half an hour ago you said, "Sliding down the hull in Antarctica wasn’t thrilling enough for you?"!! And anyway, Scully, how is it that you claimed to be unconscious…WHEN YOUR EYES WERE OPEN??
Scully: How do you know if my eyes were open?
Mulder: I just do.
Scully: *sigh* Get out the camera tapes.
IL: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Mulder: Then how did you know about the SnoCat and stuff??
IL: *innocently* Where in the world would I place hidden cameras in Antarctica?? I just talked to Leyla Harrison.
Mulder: I hate that woman.
Scully: Can Agent Doggett come in now?
IL: I SAID no guest stars today.
Scully: But he’s been begging outside the door for 20 minutes. (she points out at the door. Doggett has his nose pressed against the glass, looking sad.)
Mulder: IT’S AGENT DOGBIRD! GET HIM! (Mulder launches himself at the glass. Doggett takes a step back and watches him slam into the door, mumbling "Ow." Scully buries her face in her hands.)
Voice: And they say foxes are smarter than dogs.
Mulder: Owie. My face hurts. I think my nose is broken.
Voice: I thought it was broken before. It’s all weird and crooked…
Mulder: OwowOW, I’m in PAIN, Scully, get over here and - on second thought, stay where you are. I can take care of it myself.
Scully: No, no, no, I can fix it. Everything can be solved with either a needle and thread or a scalpel.
Mulder: I really like your mother’s treatment better; chicken soup and a warm bed. She actually likes me. More than my own mother did. *sniffles* I was so rejected…
Scully: My mother calls you "Fox."
Mulder: I can live with that.
Scully: Foxy, foxy, foxy.
Mulder: It’s not nice to make fun of invalids.
Scully: (looking him over) You big baby! Your nose isn’t broken. It’s not even bleeding! Get up! (she kicks him a few times until he picks himself up and sits back down).
IL: Voice, send the Tokomon out to occupy him until I’m ready for him to come in.
Voice: Shoo, Snowflake, go see the Doggy.
(the little pink creature scampers out the door, hiding its enormous teeth and being sweet for once)
Mulder: YES! Scully, remember that thing?? It can become a Rabid Batpig! It’s gonna kill Doggett! YEEHAW!
IL: No, it’s not. Now really, Mulder, what have you got against Agent Doggett?
Mulder: I met him, I shoved him, I’m better than he is.
Scully: Honestly, you are so juvenile.
Mulder: How’s this for juvenile? "Hello, my name is Dana Scully and like every other girl in the world, I wanted to have a baby when I grew up-" (Scully interrupts)
Scully: "Sadly, then I grew up, joined the FBI, and got paired with the stupid spooky man in the basement, and thanks to my association with him, wound up abducted and left barren."
Mulder: Hey I’m not done! "So, rather than wait until I had a stable home life and a nice husband, I had a baby as soon as I could. Did I give any thought to the fact that I would be a single mother with an erratic and dangerous job? Of course not."
Scully: This is all because I won’t tell you if your contribution to in-vitro ever worked, isn’t it?
Mulder: Off the record, yes. Officially, yes. DID IT??
Scully: I’ll tell you when you’re old enough.
Mulder: Look Scully. See the pretty diamond ring? Wouldn’t it look nice on your finger? *pause* Scully, generally women hold up the finger next to their pinky to try on rings…
Scully: You’re dead, Mulder. I am not going to have you propose to me on a radio show.
Mulder: Later?
Voice: Better put away that ring, Mulder. I hear Doggett coming in and since he likes Scully we could potentially have an ugly situation. Which I would love, but Stephanie here -
IL: Interview Lady. Stop calling me by the ordinary name, Charlatan.
Voice: -fine- IL here doesn’t want physical fighting, for some odd reason.
IL: Doggett can come in now.
(Doggett swaggers through the door, striding in and swinging a leg over the chair before sitting down. He puffs out his chest in an even more obvious attempt to look manly and piss Mulder off. It works, and Mulder tries to get up and hurt him. Scully sees it coming and grabs hold of his shirt collar, yanking him back down and swatting him.)
(Voice: Hehe. He is so whipped.)
Doggett: Hey, how’s everyone doing?
Mulder: We were doing just fine before your ugly face came through that door, Dogbird.
Doggett: (patronizing) It’s Doggett, ex-Agent Mulder. Don’t worry, you’ll get it right next time.
Mulder: Rrrrrr.
Scully: Come on in, Agent Doggett.
Doggett: I have a request. Could everyone please call me…John today? It sounds much stronger and tougher. The all-American macho man.
Mulder: Quick, Scully, gimme the scalpel. I think I can cut one of his fingers off before anyone stops me.
IL: Mulder, do we need to strap you into a straitjacket?! I was hoping we wouldn’t have to use any of those today. Do you really have less self control than the Digi Destined?
(Mulder narrows his eyes and clenches his jaw, but stays in his seat)
Mulder: The X-Files are mine. *I* created them, *I* kept them alive, they were *my* life's work, so why does HE get to work on them?
IL: Did it occur to you, Mulder, that if you hadn’t decided to be some kind of hero and take the oil rig blame, that Doggett would be kicked out of the FBI right now and you’d be the one laughing?
Mulder: I KNOW that!! I was not the one who quit! The freakin’ aliens made me do it!
Scully: Sure they did.
Voice: Nah, Mulder REALLY quit because he wanted to be a full time stay-at-home-dad.
Scully: Hey! We are not commenting on my baby’s paternity!
Mulder: Yeah, that’s top secret and confidential information that only Scully and I know.
Scully: You_know_nothing. And if you ask me that question ONE MORE TIME, Mulder, I’m going to go tell Frohike that he’s the dad.
Mulder: (panicking) IS HE???
Doggett: Hey! I believe you are supposed to be talking to me. I am the one with the impressive background here.
Mulder: Are YOU Oxford educated?
(Voice: An Oxford-educated psychologist out of a job. I find this odd)
Doggett: I didn’t NEED any snooty English schooling. I was a Marine at the age of 19. You wouldn’t have the guts to make it in.
Mulder: I’ve beaten up Krycek a hundred times.
Doggett: Ooooh, dangerous. I chopped a 2-foot slug out of Scully’s neck and shot it to pieces.
Mulder: I crashed her out of an alien ice pod and brought her back from Antarctica.
Scully: Stop using me as your macho posturing tool!
(both pay little attention to her and wave her off)
Doggett: In a minute.
Mulder: Yeah.
Doggett: I saved her from the alleged "Alien Bounty Hunter" that threw her against a window - she was pregnant at the time, did I mention that? So I really saved her AND her baby.
Mulder: Yeah, well, I saved her from this weird invisible book character trying to dig her heart out (literally). How’s that for cool? OOOH, and there was this other time I kicked a trailer door down to rescue Scully from getting a frontal lobotomy through the eye while she was bound and gagged by a German-speaking psycho.
Scully: You know, I did rescue YOUR asses on occasion.
Doggett: Oh all right. Other manly deeds: I hunted down and shot a human bat trying to kill me-
Scully: Yeah, so did I, and as I recall the human bat tore into you until you were half dead from blood loss - I saved you.
Doggett: Agent Scully, we’re having an intense manly argument over who is more masculine here. Just let me prove to Mulder that I’m tougher than he is.
Scully: *sigh*
Mulder: Scully, this is where you defend me?
Scully: I am not running interference. You got yourself into the argument, you sit it through.
Mulder: Fine. You should have seen me kicking butt in Tunguska, Russia.
Voice: He was tied up in chicken wire and given an alien virus.
Doggett: I'm not all that impressed so far.
Mulder: Oh yeah? Top this: I came back FROM THE DEAD. (he throws a warning glance at Scully)
Doggett: Yeah, that’s not so special. I came back from the dead too.
Mulder: Oh you did not, you pathetic liar.
Doggett: But it’s true. It happened in Squamash, North Carolina. I got shot in the back and this weird creature thing took on my death and I came back to life.
Mulder: No-no, I met that thing. Nothing kills it.
Doggett: Well, yeah, when it takes on a DEATH.
Mulder: (is torn between punching Doggett and breaking into tears) THAT IS NOT TRUE!
Scully: Um, actually, Mulder, it is. I had to explain it in a field report. Fortunately I learned a few things from you on how to BS my way past the directors.
Mulder: AHHHHH!!!
Doggett: *smirks* My 1 year on the X-Files versus your 7 and I’ve already matched you step for step. Face it, I’m the better man.
Mulder: GO AWAY! GO AWAY!
IL: *cough* Why am I not getting to say anything? Now play nice, John.
Doggett: (whining) But he’s so much fun to pick on! He has no rational thinking whatsoever, loses his temper SO easily -
Mulder: I DO NOT, YOU BIG OLD STUPID HEAD!
Doggett: Did I mention childish insults?
Scully: MULDER! SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, AND PAY ATTENTION!
Mulder: *instantly chaste* I’m sorry, Scully.
Voice: *cracks up* He is so! Whipped!!!!
IL: Hey! Everyone needs to calm down for a little bit. The audience can keep themselves occupied with a few happy words from our sponsors, and Mulder, Scully, and John - and he’s going to be called Doggett when we return - are going to cool off. OK?
(Commercials come on for a 6-minute loop. IL forces everyone to drink a glass of cold water, reminding Scully not to throw it in anyone’s face - Scully glares at her - and passes out damp washcloths, reminding Mulder and Doggett not to start a washcloth-snapping fight. The three people take deep breaths and get ready to come back on the air)
IL: And, we’re back. Scully threatened to exile Mulder from her apartment if he interrupted me within the next 10 minutes, so all should be quiet. I’m actually going to ask Doggett some QUESTIONS. So, Agent Doggett? What did you think when you were assigned to the X-Files division?
Doggett: "Well, it made me angry, IL. Angry and tired."
IL: Well, that was an interesting Homer Simpson quote. Hey, that’s an idea. I should have the Simpsons in here next week! Yo Rod! Book the Simpsons for the end of the month! (she pauses to listen to the producer) What do you mean, they’re not free until August?! Who else could possibly have a use for them?! (she listens some more) Nominated for Emmys?! ARGH.
Anyway, Agent Doggett: Seriously now, how did you feel?
Doggett: Well, I had misgivings of course, at first. Red hair is can be a sign of a witch, so I was scared to work with Agent Scully.
Scully: You took great pains over the last year to remind me that you didn’t believe in anything paranormal.
Doggett: Hey, witches aren’t paranormal, they’re all over earth. Haven't you ever read Harry Potter?
IL: OOH! Harry Potter and his friends, I’ll take them instead of the Simpson family. Rod!
Rod The Producer: I’m afraid he’s thousands of times more impossible to get than the Simpsons.
IL: WHY?
Rod: Well, the world loves Harry Potter, and besides keeping up with schoolwork and touring the country, Harry has to be at about 15 screenings of his first movie.
IL: Dangit.
Doggett: Listen to me, PLEASE!! I’ll tell you all about my son!
Mulder: YOU have a son? Man, they’ll let ANYONE be a dad!
Voice: Look who’s talking…
Scully: Why are you all convinced that he’s the father?!
IL: Oh come on, who else is it gonna be? Either God waved his hands and *POOF*, you were pregnant, or it was Mulder.
Scully: *defensive* I wouldn’t rule out the POOF idea.
IL: I would.
Voice: Me too.
Mulder: Same here.
Doggett: Yep.
Scully: There have been documented cases of spontaneous pregnancy!
Mulder: Well, uh, not really…not since about the year 0, in the case of a woman named Mary. Wouldn’t you say that’s about right, Agent Doggett?
Doggett: Well, yes I would. Now, if you want to compare yourself to the Virgin Mary, Agent Scully, you’re welcome to. Everyone, the second coming isn’t in a giant slug, it’s right here - her baby! (he and Mulder clap hands)
Scully: Ugh, I give up. I’m taking a break from these two. (she edges towards the door)
Voice: Hurry back! We’re gonna have the Radio Showdown in Gut Barging and we need a pretty lady to grease up the bellies!
(Scully makes a break for the door and runs down the hall)
Voice: Yes! I drove out a guest!
IL: Snowflake-Batpig-now!
(The little pink Tokomon snaps to attention, Evil-Volves into a red-eyed, foaming Patamon (aka Batpig), flaps down the hallway, sinks little bat-like feet into Scully’s hair, and drags her back into the studio, whereupon it reverts to sweet Tokomon form and curls up in its cat kennel to sleep some more)
Doggett: Wow. What just happened?
Mulder: Well, Agent Doggett, I have a new thing for you to disbelieve in - Digimon. That is a digital monster from a parallel computer world.
Doggett: Aw, I don’t believe it.
IL: Shall I have Snowflake bite you to prove he’s real?
Doggett: …Nah.
Mulder: But it feels cool when he bites you. It’s like a happy little tingly feeling.
Scully: Mulder, stop trying to have Doggett killed.
Mulder: But he annoys me.
Voice: *yawn* I dunno…I’m getting somewhat bored by all of this.
Scully: Oh good! I’ll go home.
IL: Ohhhh no you don’t. I’ll find something to talk to you about.
Voice: Well, I suppose you could open the phone lines.
IL: Hmmm…so I could! Everybody, call in with your questions!
Scully: Wait, you mean I have to talk to a bunch of redneck Minnesotans??
IL: That was slander, Ms. Scully. I wouldn’t insult my listeners again.
Scully: Well, they’re either rednecks or murderers! The last time I was here a guy tried to kill me!
IL: Talk to Andrea Jensen, now on the phone.
AJ: Yeah hi, I had a question for Agent Doggett.
Doggett: (he yawns and stretches) Yep, everyone wants to talk to me. I relate well to people.
AJ: Oh my God! I’m having a vision! I see…I see a blackened body, wait now it’s a little boy…I sense a name; it starts with "L"…
Doggett: My son?!
AJ: I don’t know. What’s your son’s name?
Doggett: You know, my son…the son that died…
IL: Go on Doggett. Say it. I’ve never heard you or anyone else utter it out loud.
(Doggett shifts uncomfortably)
Doggett: ALL RIGHT! I DON’T KNOW HIS NAME!
AJ: HAH! I knew it! You ARE a complete loser.
Mulder: Hahahaha!
IL: It’s "Luke." Say it. Say "L-U-K-E."
Mulder: (in a "spooky" voice) Luke Skywalker…woooooooo! Scully: Mulder! It is VERY inappropriate to make fun of this poor man’s pain.
(Rod The Producer sees that this could go way off topic, so he politely gets poor Andrea off the phone)
Doggett: Pain? Oh yes…I was very pained when I learned he was dead.
*THINKS he covers the microphone* Yes, it WAS terribly tragic when I no longer got to spend thousands of dollars a year on the little brat… oh my, did I say that out loud? I must be going insane from grief.
Scully: (no longer compassionate) You know, you’ve got a way about you, Agent Doggett…
Doggett: Oh come on, not this line again. It wasn’t MY fault I happened to walk in on you sleeping in Mulder’s empty bed, holding his shirt…
Scully: (face gone bright red) I did nothing of the sort.
Mulder: *interested* Really? You did that? When was this?
Scully: In Doggett’s imagination.
Voice: The day after you left.
Scully: DESTROY that voice.
Mulder: So. Scully, despite KNOWING where I was, felt the need to sleep with one of my shirts. Gee, Scully, could this be a sign of lo-
(Scully whips her hand forward and hits Mulder’s neck)
Scully: Turns out that "pinch" Xena always used wasn’t just a myth.
Mulder: Can’t…breathe…
Scully: Then stop hinting that we’re romantically involved.
Mulder: Just…*gasp*…friends. Save me…
Scully: Fine. *pause* Oh crap…how did Xena take the pinch OFF?
Mulder: Scully…blood…*choke*
Scully: Oh my God! He’s dying!
Doggett: I can save him.
Scully: DO IT!
Doggett: First he has to admit that he’s a wimp, I’m the ultimate macho man - (Mulder falls unconscious) Scully: Agent Dogbird, you are going to save him NOW! He’s going to be dead in 10 seconds! He’s probably suffered permanent brain damage! If he dies, your life becomes living HELL!
Doggett: (instantly cowed) OK. (he hits Mulder again; Mulder slowly wakes up and looks around)
Doggett: You’ll be pleased to know that I just saved your life after Scully tried to end it. You owe me big.
Scully: I didn’t MEAN to…
Mulder: You know, I could handle dying. Sadly, now I have to live in AGENT DOGBIRD’S DEBT. That’s a fate SO worse than death.
(Doggett: Um, it’s Dog-GETT…and remind me to kill Langly later…)
Scully: I said I was sorry!
Mulder: Well…you could kiss it and make it feel better.
IL: Kissing. Banned. In. Studio.
Scully: Oh well, rules are rules.
Voice: Oh my God look! It’s raining outside!
Mulder: So?
Voice: No, it’s…IT’S RAINING SLEEPING BAGS!
Mulder: WHAT?! (He jumps up and races to look out the window. Scully’s eyes grow huge as she darts after him, mouth open in horror)
Doggett: And just what is the significance of raining sleeping bags? (the phone lines light up instantly, naturally IL ignores them all)
(Mulder and Scully both slide to a stop at the windowsill, looking out. Of course, the rain is made of nothing but water. Voice begins laughing wildly. They both turn around, unamused. IL is draped across the table, laughing so hard she can’t speak. She tries to say something, but the looks on their faces sends her into even greater peals of laughter.)
IL: HAHAHA…you should have - seen - your - HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Doggett: Again, I ask, what made that so funny?
Scully: That was SO not funny.
Mulder: Don’t get my hopes up like that!
Scully: *Maybe* you’ll get lucky. The operative word, Mulder, was "MAYBE you’ll get lucky."
Doggett: WHAT was so **** funny about that?!
Voice: Ooh, the Big D. He’s MANLY.
Doggett: *exasperated* I KNOW that already. I WANT to know why the phrase "raining sleeping bags" made the two of *you* crazy and the two of *you* laugh like mental patients!!
IL: *gasping for breath, finally calming down* Well, by now you should all know that I have hidden cameras everywhere. 3 years ago, Mulder and Scully got a little sidetracked in Florida while on their way to a teamwork meeting. They wound up in the woods, with Mulder suffering from shock. So, Mulder suggested a way to keep warm…
Scully: Stop there. Don’t repeat the rest of that thought.
Mulder: Then how about this? She claims she’s not attracted to me. And yet, on our VERY FIRST assignment, 7 years ago, she came running to my hotel room in her underwear.
Doggett: *eyebrows going up* Really?
Scully: *defensive* I had a bathrobe over them!
Mulder: Which you dropped like wildfire as soon as you were inside.
Doggett: Ooh, nasty.
Scully: *threatens Doggett* YOU shut your mouth. *goes back to Mulder* I was afraid those two little marks were alien needle marks!
Mulder: And you couldn’t have just, like, lifted the corner of your shirt?
Scully: You know what? I, I HATE this woman right here. And I hate you, and I’m going to leave. Right now.
IL: You’ve only tried that, oh, about 5 times before.
Scully: Well, I mean it this time!
IL: You leave only when the interview is over, and our station is very flexible about its air time. I can make my interviews as long or as short as I like.
Scully: How long was your longest interview, anyway?
IL: I dunno, 40, 50 hours? Wait, 39 of those hours were spent capturing…I mean, locating…the Digi Destined kids. Probably about 12 hours in the studio.
Mulder: Kill me. Please.
Scully: NO! *long pause* Then who’s gonna kill me?
Doggett: OK, how about if I take your guns and simultaneously shoot you…
IL: *snatches all the guns and scalpels away* No one’s killing themselves! Besides, Doggett would probably shoot Mulder and "miss" Scully, then discover there were no bullets left.
IL: Voice, find that list of questions I wrote before they came in.
Voice: You mean, the one you wrote before you did any interviews? When you thought you would actually be INTERVIEWING your guests? *snickers*
IL: *unamused* Yes. That one.
Voice: Oh, all right. Hmm…let me go look for it.
IL: You’re worthless, you know that?
Voice: Am not.
IL: You are. Now go exercise the Tokomon. And find the escaped Pikachu.
Voice: I’m nothing but a slave around here.
Doggett: *raising an eyebrow* Pikachus, last I checked, were animated little Pokemon from Japan.
IL: Yes, they were. And we have one.
Doggett: OK that’s just too weird…I’ll see you all later. *coughmentalpatientcough*
Scully: The sad part is, the Pikachu exists. Just stay for a while. You’ll see.
Doggett: Okaaay…I know your hormones are acting up right now, but if you believe that Pikachus exist…
Voice: (coming back) O Evil Interviewer, I exercised your cretinous, snippy Tokomon (frightening 2 small dogs and causing a heart attack in an old lady in the process), and brought back your even snippier and more cretinous Pikachu. Take it and be euphoric.
IL: Thanks.
Pikachu: Pika…pika chu chu…
Doggett: See, now that’s just pathetic. I’m hallucinating again.
(the Pikachu, angered by the remark, swells like a balloon and shocks Doggett)
Mulder: Hehehe.
IL: I neglected to take into account the fact that he’s not animated and therefore may actually suffer dire consequences when electrocuted by the Pikachu. (Doggett is passed out on the floor, not breathing)
Mulder: He needs mouth-to-mouth, Scully. You’re the doctor, you get to do it.
Scully: I’m the pathologist. And I’m not touching my lips to his!
IL: Hey, I think he’s dying over there…
Scully: Then YOU do it. (the metaphorical light bulb appears over her head) Say Mulder, if you save his life, you’ll repay the debt!
Mulder: *looks ill* I’ll make you pay for this one. (he takes a deep breath, chokes back bile, and starts giving mouth to mouth. Scully shakes with silent laughter.)
(Doggett sputters and wakes up. He stares at Mulder for 1.872 seconds, and then emits a yell of terror, flinging himself backwards against the wall)
Doggett: My God! What the hell are you doing?! My God! That’s disgusting! EW!
(Mulder wipes his mouth)
Mulder: Don’t worry, it’s not what you think. Really! You were dying, I saved your life, now I’m no longer in your debt.
Doggett: Right. I, uh, see. (he gives Mulder a funny look, then slides his chair a few more feet away from him)
Mulder: Great. Now he thinks I just made a move on him. (to Scully) You could repair the damage right now. Tell him it was your idea.
Scully: *whistles innocently*
Mulder: Oh great. (to Doggett) I REALLY WAS just trying to save your life.
Doggett: Let’s just forget that ever happened.
Mulder: All right. Wait, where’s that Pikachu?
(he feels a sudden weight on his back. The Pikachu is draped over his shoulder, smiling.)
AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! (he runs around like a lunatic) Get it off me! Get it off me!
(there is a sudden loud shot from the doorway, and the Pikachu falls down. We turn to see…)
Skinner: You can’t get rid of my best former agent that easily.
IL: Well, you’re just shootin’ everybody today, aren’t you? I liked that Pikachu, you know.
Voice: Don’t worry, it’s like immune to death.
IL: OK, um, everyone, this is, uh, Assistant Director Skinner with the FBI. Somehow he made it past my guards -
Skinner: A flash of the FBI badge worked wonderfully.
IL: -I think you abuse that power - and came into my interview as an UNSCHEDULED guest.
Skinner: Well, now that I’m here, would you like me to provide some interesting material?
IL: No. SHOO! (she brings out a little snarling terrier and throws it at him. It shreds Skinner’s ankles before he decides it would be prudent to leave.)
Doggett: How many pets do you HAVE under there?
IL: You’ll never know.
(a new voice comes out of nowhere)
Caller: Why did you get rid of Skinner?? I wanted to listen to what he had to say! Plus he’s CUTE! WAY cuter than that ugly Agent Doggett.
Doggett: Now hold on just a darn minute…
IL: Rod, why is there a caller on the air?!
(Rod grins and waves)
Rod: I was getting bored in here.
IL: *mutters* That’s what I get for using a college intern. Anyway, I got rid of him because it’s rather crowded in here with 4 people, a Tokomon, and an injured Pikachu.
Doggett: Gee, Mulder, why don’t you give the Pikachu "mouth-to-mouth"? Mulder: Hey, hey, what happened to forgetting about it? *glares at Scully* Do you see what you’ve started?
Scully: I see it. I think it’s funny.
Mulder: Figures.
(Scully suddenly doubles over, gasping, holding her stomach)
Mulder: *instantly concerned* Scully! Are you all right? Call an ambulance!!
(she sits back up and laughs)
Scully: Hahaha, gotcha!
(Mulder narrows his eyes)
Mulder: Fine. See if I drive you to the hospital when you claim to feel labor pains.
IL: Well, as long as we’re discussing the pregnancy, let’s discuss the baby itself. Now, supposing on the off chance that it’s NOT an alien baby -
Scully: It is.
IL: I said SUPPOSING - what are you going to call it?
Scully: Hm, that’s interesting. I’ve been so sure it was an alien that I haven’t even bothered to buy any baby supplies for it, much less think about names.
But, I guess if it were a girl, I’d name it either Melissa or Samantha and hope for a reincarnation.
Mulder: Really??? You believe in that?
Scully: No. Agent Doggett, do you have any ideas?
Doggett: Well, I’ve always thought that a good all-American girl should be called Sarah. Or Jane.
Scully: Sarah Scully. Um, NO.
Mulder: Actually, if I had my way it would be Sarah Mulder and that sounds just fine.
Scully: Mulder. Listen carefully. I have no intention of marrying you at the current moment. For all I know, you’ll run back off to Oxford for 4 years, or maybe just ditch me every two months to look for Samantha.
Mulder: I wouldn’t do that.
Scully: You just ditched me for like 8 months.
Mulder: Yeah, so now it’s out of my system … forayearorso.
IL: HEY! Stay on the baby. What about boys names?
Scully: Bill Jr.
Mulder: WHAT?! I am not letting you name your kid after your ass of a brother. And wait a second…your brother IS Bill Jr.!
Scully: Kidding, Muldy. There are enough Williams to go around. No, my kid would have to have a cool name.
Voice: Zolan.
Scully: What?
Voice: Zolan. That’s Xena’s son. You occasionally remind me of Xena.
IL: HEY ROD!
Rod: I am not bringing Xena and Gabrielle onto the show.
Scully: And I am not using Zolan.
Voice: Sculder, then.
Scully: Why?
Voice: Because you and Mulder call each other by your last names anyway. He’d be named after both of you.
IL: So your choice is…
Scully: My choice is, the baby is an alien and this is a stupid discussion.
IL: And who would be the godmother and godfather?
Scully: That's an even more pointless question.
IL: Just answer it.
Scully: Hey, Doggett! What religion are you?
Mulder: Oh no, you’re not using that jerk.
Doggett: I dunno, what’s the religion that’s perfectly between the Catholics and the Jews?
Scully: Any one of about 20 Protestant religions; they're all more or less the same. And if you’re not Catholic I have no use for you.
Doggett: … OK how about the religion that Jewish people just hate in general?
Scully: I will give you no weapons with which to further enrage Mulder. I really wish you two would just grow up and get along.
IL: These discussions NEVER go the way I plan them.
Rod The Producer: Hey, I have an interesting caller on the line.
IL: Will you stop interrupting me? THIS is why I hire a new producer every interview.
Rod: But it’s a "Margaret Scully".
Scully: CUT HER OFF! HANG UP THE PHONE!
IL: All right, put her on.
Mrs. Scully: Dana, honey, I just turned on the radio and imagine hearing your voice!
Scully: Yes, Mother. Amazing. Bye now.
Mrs. Scully: Oh, I don’t know, this is rather fun. Is that Fox I hear? Hello Fox!
Fox: *grinning* Hello, Mrs. Scully. (Scully groans)
Mrs. Scully: When ARE you and Dana going to come and visit again? I’m still waiting to see a ring on my daughter’s finger, you know.
Mulder: Oh, I know. I’ve been ah, trying to get her to wear this lovely diamond piece - (he holds it up) - for quite some time now.
Mrs. Scully: Dana Katherine Scully, do you mean to tell me that you turned down a marriage proposal?!
Scully: MOM! I don’t want to go over this AGAIN, especially not on a televised radio show.
Mrs. Scully: Nonsense. You’ve already told me you love him, so go ahead with it.
Scully: NO! I NEVER SAID THAT!
(She suddenly stands up and yanks a hidden gun from her ankle holster. She points it at Rod, and screams "GET HER OFF THE PHONE LINES NOW!!!" Unknown to her, Rod is behind 5 inches of bullet-proof glass. He grins, pretends to shake in his boots, but obliges her anyway and gets her mother off the phone and thus off the air.)
Mulder: So…interesting tidbit I learned there.
Scully: You will never speak of it again.
Mulder: But -
Scully: I uttered that phrase 7 years ago while I was delirious and suffering from a fever.
Mulder: So, it’s been going on 7 years, huh?
Scully: No, Mulder, that means I had you confused with Daniel or Rob or someone else (Mulder: See? More guys) at the time.
IL: In the interest of keeping Scully from killing you and thus ruining my interview, please move away from that topic. How do I get into these weird discussions, anyway?
Voice: Moving on…
Can we bring in Reyes? Or the Lone Gunmen? Or Krycek? Or CSM’s ghost? Or Queequeg’s Satanic Spawn? Look at all the other guests we could have!
Scully: Queequeg was neutered.
Voice: That’s what YOU think.
Scully: Hey, you know what one of that dog’s quirks was?
Mulder: *dryly* Besides eating human flesh, you mean?
Scully: Haha. No, he liked to be vacuumed.
Mulder: Didn’t he, like, get sucked INTO the vacuum?
Scully: No, he would bark and bark until I put the end of it against his fur like a brush. It was hilarious.
Mulder: I’m not sure who’s weirder - the dog for enjoying that or you for bending to a Pomeranian’s will.
Doggett: Well, no one’s talked to me in a while, so how about I just leave?
Voice: Yeah, maybe we should let them go. If we keep talking to them, we’ll have nothing new to say to them next time.
Scully: Next time? There will be no next time.
IL: Yeah, the Digi Destined said that too. All it resulted in was more and more elaborate hunt-downs and tricks to get them back. I’ve interviewed them 5 times now; they’re also coming back in a couple months. Come on, Voice, think! What else can we talk to them about?
Voice: Like I said, let’s let them go.
IL: Nooo…I don’t WANT to…
Voice: Well, you could always bring them back in like 2 weeks or something.
IL: Yeah but…
Voice: Come on. Be nice to them just this once.
IL: OHHH…all right. You’re all free to go. Here on MSRF radio station, this was the 6th edition of Happy Interview Lady’s Interview Show! "Goodnight Minneapolis, we love you as much as we love stealing slogans from other shows!" This is Interview Lady, signing off.
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The Off Air Continuance:
Scully: *blinks* Say that again?
IL: You’re free to go, see ya around, byebye, come back after you’ve dropped 6-10 pounds in alien weight.
Scully: JAIL BREAK! YES! (she shoots out the door, dragging Mulder with her)
Doggett: Well, I guess I’ll be heading home now. My German Shepherd, Duke, will be missing me.
Voice: He’s even got a macho manly dog.
Doggett: What, you think I’d keep a poodle?
Voice: It would have been an ironic twist.
Doggett: Well, you can invite me back anytime. I’ll be happy to bring Mulder, too; I’ll just work in the idea that he’s afraid to come back and he’ll be right over. And then Scully will follow, to make sure he doesn’t get beaten up. Anyway, time to go have a strong cup of black coffee to get rid of the effects of this weird place. See ya!
IL: Effects? Shoot, that reminds me…Snowflake, go find that little thing we call … "Drug Which Ends Effects Of Pretty Colors" and slip it into Scully’s tea. Otherwise she’ll start yelling about Bob and Ace around 3 in the morning.
Snowflake: G’bye.
IL: So, that leaves just you and me, huh Voice?
Rod The Producer: And me!
IL: Oh yeah. Rod, you’re fired.
Rod: WHAT?
IL: Look, you’re a great kid, but I like to change up my producers. Don’t worry, I’ll call you back if I can’t find anyone new.
Rod: *grumbles* "A great learning experience" my butt.
IL: Anyway, Voice, ready to go home and make prank phone calls to the Digi Destined?
Voice: Let’s tell them Agumon got kidnapped again, and when they rush to rescue him we can greet them with a Saber-Tooth-Tigermon.
IL: Hehe. All righty.
(the lights dim and everyone walks out. The Pikachu has crawled into a corner to die, wondering why no one ever came to its rescue after being almost-fatally shot by "the tall man." The story never ends.)
~The End~
And now, here is the Interview Lady Series version of a disclaimer:
THANK-YOU’s:
1. 1013 Production Companies and everyone’s favorite man, Chris Carter, for handing over Mulder, Scully, Skinner, and Doggett.
2. Digimon and Pokemon, respectively owned by Toei Animation and um, someone else, for use of a snippy Tokomon (whom we have named Snowflake) and a shock-happy Pikachu.
3. Fraiser - "Goodnight, Seattle, we love you!"
4. Guinness World Records for showing off "Gut Barging."
5. Lisa for creating the Pretty Colors chatroom. She’s a friend I met online through another friend, who shall be known as NC, or Nut Case. Long ago, when NC and I were in 6th grade and Lisa was in 8th, she’d go into private chat "Pretty Colors" and invite certain people to the chatroom, either to entertain friends or creep out enemies. I don’t remember most of it, but the conversations were REALLY funny. I have since tried to goad Lisa into writing more, but she won’t do it anymore. L I used to have them all saved in e-mail, but as AOL crashes about twice a year, my e-mail goes with it.
6. The Simpsons, my other favorite show, for wherever I mentioned them. I’ll thank Harry Potter when he gets his arrogant, over-inflated wizard head into my studio.
7. NOT fanfiction.lousy net which removed all my stories for the crime of being in script format.
8. My dog, Kym (a German Shepherd/Lab mix) who really enjoys being vacuumed - and barks her head off if the vacuum is cleaning anything aside from her. When we first adopted her from the shelter, she used to hate the vacuum and bark as loudly as she could, then run away when it was aimed at her. My dad, tired of the way she shed year-round on EVERYTHING, finally grabbed her and started sucking all the loose hair off her coat. Hehehe.
9. Kyle, my 9 y/o brother, for coming up with the "Luke…Skywalker…" line. I had to put it in as he demanded to know why he should help me edit the story if he got nothing in return. I let him make up a line.
10. Anyone who reads this and actually reviews it.
11. Voice: HEY! You didn’t thank me! I STARRED in your stupid story, I pretended I believed in the MSR…
RS: Oh. Yes. Everyone has a voice in their head. For some people, it’s the angel-and-the-devil. On "The Simpsons," it’s their brain talking. No, for me, it’s a sarcastic being I call Voice -
Voice: Which is SOOO original -
RS: -who refuses to believe in the MSR, insisting that Doggett loves Scully and swearing that Diana and Mulder could have married.