Chapter 6 Subheading: Fun at a Rest Stop, Tai the Hitchhiker, and The Two Tribes
AUTHORS’ WARNING NOTE: We have broken the “no F or S words” rule in this chapter, and broken it twice (this chapter only). Natalie was in an extremely bad mood, which you should know happens approximately once a millennium. We decided to preserve the authenticity of the moment and not remove it, but just in case this really bothers you there is a warning notice right before it happens.
IL: *over the bus intercom* Hi, kids. Welcome back. In a few moments, Nat and Snowflake and Rod will be joining us. You may as well sit back and relax while I tell you about our location. We’ll be staying in beautiful Virginia.
Sora: There is NO WAY I’m driving halfway across the country in a bus with you.
IL: Virginia is a city in Minnesota.
TK: My geography teacher must have been an idiot. He said it was a state.
IL: It is a state. There’s also city by the same name. And it’s barely 3 hours away.
TK: I still stand by “Geography teacher is idiot.”
Matt: I’m hungry. Do we get in-transit snacks?
Sora: Why are you hungry? YOU just ate pizza.
Nat: All right, I’m ready. Is everyone seated?
Tai: NO! *jumps out of his seat* You can’t drive off I’m standing AH! (IL suddenly stomps on the gas, and Tai tumbles off his feet to the floor. When he gets up, IL slams on the brakes and he flies forward)
Tai: *darts into a seat* That’s cruel and unusually mean.
Nat: Duh.
Davis: I have another question: do we get to be on TV for Digi-Survivor?
IL: You’re already on TV, remember?
Davis: What?? Where were my hair and makeup artists?
Mimi: I could do your makeup.
Davis: No thank you.
SB: I could bite the hair into a nice shape, kind of like topiary.
Davis: No thank you too.
Tai: May I request Pretty Colors for the ride?
Nat: Are you sure?
Tai: Of course.
Nat: *releases Sparky, who sits in Tai’s lap*
Tai: What is it doing?
Nat: He’s guarding you. Make a move, and get shocked.
TK: Are we there yet?
Yolei: We haven’t even left yet.
Davis: We can’t leave yet! I have to go to the bathroom!
SF: There’s a bathroom in the back of the bus.
Davis: There is? (He walks back and goes into the “bathroom” and then comes right back out)
Sora: Back so soon?
Davis: The “hole in the floor of the bus” does not constitute as “toilet.” “Boarded up area around the hole in the floor” does not count as “bathroom.”
SF: Too late, we’re already moving.
Davis: But I really have to go.
SF: You haven’t had anything to drink in like 7 hours.
Davis: *thinks* I’m thirsty now too. Do we have any beer?
Jun: Since when do you drink beer?! I’m telling Mom.
Davis: I’ve never actually had a beer, but TK and Cody always try to trick Yolei into giving it to them, so now I want to try it because I’m cooler than TK.
Yolei: I am not going to sell you beer. Ever.
Tai: Can you sell me beer?
Yolei: Argh! Why do you people think that I walk around carrying beer to give/sell??
Joe: Come on, I’m legally 18 now. You can slip me some when they’re not looking.
Matt: Hey. I can have beer! I’m a rock star. I can do anything I want, just like Britney Spears!
Ken: Britney Spears is your role model?
Matt: No! I’m just saying that if she can go to a bar, so can I.
Sora: Where do lobsters go for a drink?
Cody: Is this a joke?
Sora: To a sand bar!
Cody: I don’t get it.
Sora: Where do snowmen keep their money? *pause* In a snow bank!
Joe: Hah! Hahahaha…*slaps knee* That’s a good one.
Cody: Uh, no, that’s a really bad joke.
Sora: I have more.
Izzy: *whips out duct tape and puts a piece over her mouth* Sweet, relative silence?
Sora: Phubpharphufafoophawa… [What do you get when you mix a clown and a cow?]
Izzy: Take that.
Mimi: Anyone want some jelly beans?
Sora: Where did you get jelly beans?
Mimi: They were in a bag someone left in the parking lot. I don’t want to eat any, but they were such pretty colors.
Sora: Pretty Colors Jelly Beans? I’ll take some.
Yolei: Wait, we sell those at our store. Aren’t they Bertie Botts’ Every Flavor Beans?
Mimi: Oh yeah. I had a green one once; it tasted like an apple.
Sora: *eats one and gags* This is booger flavored! Yuck!
TK: How do you know?
Tai: Let me try one! …yum, lemon.
Sora: What color was it? I need a good tasting one?
Tai: It was yellow, you should try one.
Davis: Give me some. *grabs 10 and shoves them all in his mouth* Hey, these are good!
Sora: Hey Mimi, pass over a yellow one. (she starts chewing) Yuck! Tai, you lie, this tastes like cat piss!
TK: Again, how do you know?
Yolei: I’m not eating any of those.
Davis: I want some more. *grabs another handful*
Matt: Let me try one. *grabs a green speckled one*
Sora: Cross your fingers and hope for lime.
Matt: *chews* Ewww! EwEwEw *pulls down the window and spits it out* I just ate grass or something. Quick, get me a good one, I need to lose this taste in my mouth.
Mimi: Here, take this fruity looking pink and red one.
Matt: *eats it* NASTY! (opens the window to spit it out again) Barf or something. That’s it, I’ve had enough.
Ken: This reminds me of something called “Russian Roulette.”
Davis: Any more up there? (Mimi holds out the now almost empty bag) Wahoo! One left! I love these things. *eats it* YUCK, gross, gross, gross. *spits it out the window, where it lands on the windshield of some old lady’s car*
Matt: What was it?
Davis: *shudders* Peppermint.
Matt: WHAT?! And you spit it out? You idiot! My mouth still tastes like vomit; I needed that minty freshness.
Davis: Shut up, that was disgusting.
Matt: How could you not like peppermint?
Jun: I like peppermint. Especially candy canes, because when you put two together, they make a heart shape!
Matt: Never mind. I don’t like peppermint either. Anyone have an orange tic-tac?
Izzy: I fail to see why anyone would eat those.
Mimi: Why? They’re the little 1 1/2 calorie mint!
Izzy: No, the Every Flavor Beans. Did you ever stop to think about all the flavors in the world? Think about non-food items – they still have a taste. Or garbage, such as chewed gum found under tables.
Tai: Hey, that was good gum.
Sora: Yeah, well your yellow bean didn’t taste like cat piss.
30 MINUTES LATER
IL: Speaking of the campsite, I hope you all remembered to bring sleeping bags, tents, food, matches and bug spray, and all the other things you might need to survive a night or two in the woods.
Matt: Yeah, right. You’ve got to be kidding. You kidnapped us all from the hospital and kept us at the radio station until an hour ago, when you suddenly told us we were going on a “trip.”
Sora: You idiot, you were gone for like two hours. Why didn’t you prepare?
TK: I’ve got matches!
Kari: From where?
TK: Actually, I have Matt’s lighter.
Matt: Give that back! (Nat storms back and takes it away, then grabs Izzy’s pocket laser for good measure)
Nat: What did we say about unstable minds and dangerous objects?
Matt: You said it was against station policy, but we’re not at the station anymore.
Nat: The bus, and Virginia, are both extensions of radio property.
Matt: Well still, I’m not unstable.
TK: Hah! That’s laughable.
Izzy: You’ve got to be the most unstable out of all of us. Except maybe Tai.
Matt: What a lie.
Izzy: Do you remember how many times you’ve been to Calmwood?
Matt: Calmwood? …OOH! That’s right! IL and Nat, can I go to Calmwood soon?
Tai: Me too!
Izzy: Tai, do you remember your “Letter on the Declaration of Your Sanity” that forbids you from checking into Calmwood?
Tai: Crud.
IL: You couldn’t go anyway. Calmwood is full and booked for the next 5 years. The next one who goes insane gets sent to Sing Sing Correctional Facility.
Matt: “Sing Sing”?? Who the hell names a prison “Sing Sing?”
Nat: It’s not a prison. It’s a correctional facility.
Tai: It sounds fun. Do we get to sing there?
IL: No.
Tai: That’s cheap! That’s false advertising!
Matt: I wanna go back to Calmwood...there was no Jun there. And I had my own room and my own straitjacket with my name on it, slightly misspelled.
Cody: It said “Ned Flanders” – not “Matt Ishida.”
Tai: And you got a letter from “Mario” not “Maria.” You have got to learn how to read names.
Nat: So you don’t mind if I call you Flanders, but if I say Matt Ishada you get all angry.
Matt: Damn straight, my name isn’t “Ishada.”
Nat: It isn’t “Ned Flanders” either.
Davis: Look! A rest stop in one mile! Can we stop?
IL: What do you think?
Rod: Actually, I have to go as well.
IL: Fine, we’ll stop.
Nat: You’re only saying that because you’re suffering from withdrawal.
IL: I don’t smoke…anymore.
5 MINUTES LATER
Davis: Yeah! We’re here!
Sora: You’re the only one I know who is excited to stop at a rest stop. It’s not an every-other Thursday, is it?
Davis: No.
PT: *points* That’s where you go, Tai.
Tai: That’s the pet-walking area. Since your name just needs an “e” between the P and T, you should go over there.
Davis: *dances around* Can we get off the bus now?
Nat: Maybe we should let everyone off but Davis.
Davis: Not funny.
Nat: Fine, you all have 10 minutes to be back on the bus.
Davis: Yeah! *runs out of the bus; all others follow*
Rod: They won’t run away, will they?
Nat: Nah, there’s nothing here but trees and a highway, and no one in Minnesota stops for hitchhikers.
Tai’s Voice: Damn.
Davis: Everyone out of my way now! *shoves through a line of people*
Joe: Davis, that’s the line for the women’s bathroom. The men’s room has no line.
Davis: Oh.
Mimi: Aww…*groans* I have to wait in that line just to fix my makeup?
INSIDE MEN’S ROOM
TK: This bathroom’s dirty!
Matt: Don’t make me come in there and slap you.
TK: Stay in your own stall, dirty, dirty Matt.
Rod: Behave yourselves, and don’t make a mess.
Davis: Oops.
OUTSIDE WOMEN’S ROOM
Mimi: This line is really long.
Sora: There are only 2 more people, relax.
Yolei: Hey Cody, where are you going with that stool?
Cody: *blushes* I’m too short.
Yolei: Okay…I really didn’t want to know that. (Cody runs the rest of the way)
Nat’s Voice: 5 minute warning, 5 minutes.
Mimi: Hurry up in there! I have to fix my makeup!
Sora: Really, it looks fine.
MEN’S ROOM
Matt: TK! Where are you going? You haven’t washed your hands yet.
TK: The faucets are dirty.
Matt: So you’re just not going to wash your hands? That’s gross.
(Cody puts his stool down by the sink to wash his hands)
BUS
IL: OK, give them the 1-minute warning.
Nat: (on loudspeaker) One minute!
Davis: Ahh, I feel so much better. (Kids start heading back)
Rod: We better leave pretty quick, SOMEONE made a mess in the bathroom and unless we leave we’ll get in trouble.
Davis: It wasn’t my fault! The toilet paper fell and rolled away from me!
IL: Anyway, let’s go. Is everyone here?
Everyone: Yes!
SB: Tai is still trying to hitchhike. Let’s go get him.
IL: I got it. *whips out cell phone and dials a number* Hi, Mulder.
Mulder: What do you want now? (IL goes out of hearing range and tells him the plan)
Mulder: I have to come all the way out there for your stupid show?
IL: Yes. And speed.
Mulder: What if I get a ticket?
IL: You’ll be speeding away from them. Don’t get caught. *hangs up and goes back on bus*
We’re going to play a quick little bus game while we wait for Tai to come back.
Matt: He won’t come BACK, are you nuts??
IL: You did.
Matt: That proves nothing.
Nat: Right. Now it’s time to play Telephone.
Sora: Woo! I play “call the police” and get out of here!
IL: No, that’s not how it works. You whisper a sentence to the person next to you, and then they whisper it to the person next to them, and so on until it gets to the last person and they say it out loud, and you see what it sounds like at the end.
Ken: Why would we want to do that?
Nat: Because we said so. *whispers something to Kari*
Kari: Yuck! (to Yolei) “I love gin stamps with IL and Nat in the woods.”
Yolei: O-kaay… (to Davis) “I shove tin stamps in an isle of the woods.”
Davis: (to Ken) “I’m a bug and tramps dial in goods.”
Ken: *rolls eyes* (to Joe) “This is a stupid waste of time.”
Joe: (to Sora) “This is a stupid paste of dimes.”
Sora: (to Jun) “This is a lupus race for rhymes.”
Jun: *looks confused, then shrugs* (to Matt) “I love you, let’s get married.”
Matt: *looks annoyed* (to Cody) “Jun won’t leave me alone.”
Cody: (to Mimi) “San Juan leaves me blown.”
Mimi: (to Izzy) “Sand boxers leave me brown.”
Izzy: (out loud) “Sand boxers leave Mimi down.”
Nat: Well, that’s interesting, considering it started out with twice as many syllables – “I love going camping with IL and Nat in the woods.”
Ken: See? This is a dumb, pointless game.
IL: Well? You can start first next time.
Ken: Hm. I’ll have to think about it for a minute.
IL: You have 10 seconds.
Ken: 10?! Umm…okay, got one. (whispers to Joe) “Ken Ichijouji will someday rule the universe through his incredible brilliance and military genius.”
Joe: (to Sora) “Can you itch a Jew someday, who the universe will hail for bigheadedness and give meningitis.”
Sora: (to Jun) “Can an icky Joe have a big head and meningitis?”
Jun: (to Matt) “Joe is sick and has laryngitis.”
Matt: (to Cody) “Joe is a stick who likes wearing pants.”
Mimi: *looks offended* (to Izzy) “Joe is fatter than Mimi and he’s a cross-dresser.”
Izzy: (to Kari) “Mimi is fat and Joe’s a cross dresser.”
Kari: (to Yolei) “Joe and Mimi are fat cross-dressers.”
Yolei: (to Davis) “Joe saw Mimi kiss a fat cross-dresser.”
Davis: (out loud) “Joe and Mimi are kissing fat cross-dressers.”
Joe: I’m not a fat cross-dresser!
Mimi: Jacob is not fat OR a cross-dresser!
Sora: Jacob? Who is Jacob?! How do you have time to meet guys when we’ve spent the last year being chased by Interview Lady?!
Mimi: Um…well, I just met him at the radio station. He’s a DJ, or something.
IL: No office romances allowed!
Nat: *COUGH*
IL: That’s not so much a romance as it is “person useful for the purposes of running errands and alleviating boredom when necessary.”
Nat: Doesn’t Mulder run your errands?
Mulder’s Voice (on bus radio): I DELIVER things!
IL: *yells back* He DELIVERS me things and DELIVERS things from me to other people.
Mulder’s Voice: THANK you!
IL: He also “delivers” my handwritten notes to the computer and “delivers” my files into the appropriately organized drawers, and even “delivers” my phone messages to me.
Nat: So he’s your secretary?
Mulder’s Voice: The DELIVERY secretary!
Izzy: Wait, now I’m confused. I thought IL was going out with Rod, not Mulder.
Rod: She is going *IL slaps a hand over his mouth*
IL: *looks innocent* Why do you say that?
Izzy: I thought it was quite obvious…especially since I can access your online journal with my laptop like I did while you were at the hospital.
IL: That’s it. Nat, smash the laptop.
Izzy: NO! I promise to be good! Besides, everyone else is at the back of the bus, and they aren’t paying attention. (The kids in the back continue to play Telephone)
IL: Oh, all right, but if you ever mention this again…
Rod: What kinds of things does she say in there about me?
Izzy: Oh, you know… “Rod and I went to the theater. I don’t remember what movie we saw, of course. On the way out, I saw Nat eating popcorn in the lobby. Note to self: Get Snowflake to baby-sit Nat so she stops following us…” (IL glares evilly at him) Shutting up now.
IL: I thought my online journal was 100% hack-proof.
Izzy: Oh, I didn’t hack in, I have the password.
IL: What?! How did…
Izzy: You see, Mulder types up some of your entries for you, so I helped him hack into Xanga and he gave it to me. I could have figured it out on my own, though. “Pretty Colors” isn’t the greatest password.
IL: Shhh! (Nat grins evilly)
Nat: Who was that?
IL: Who do you think?
Izzy: (looking out the window) Hey! What’s Tai doing?
(A car pulls up to where Tai has been standing with his thumb out for half an hour, and opens the door)
Tai: All right. BYE LOSERS! Neener, neener, I get to leave Nat the Bat and Rod the Retarded and Interview Lady, also known as Idiot Lady! I’ll send Snowbutt and Punk Rat a postcard from paradise! *turns back to car* You are stopping for me, right? (the person inside nods) YEAH! *jumps in*
(On the bus, the kids suddenly rush to the windows and start banging on them)
Mimi: Tai’s getting out! Not fair!
Ken: You trapped me in here playing that idiotic telephone game when I could have been escaping? You are going to be very, very sorry when I get home.
Sora: Home…I remember home. I think I remember a lot of yelling, and shocking…
Yolei: That’s the interview station. Home is in…that place across the ocean where…we haven’t been in like a year.
Matt: Tai! Take me with you! *pause* Interview Lady, your voice recorder had better not be battery operated.
Nat: It only takes 14 triple-A’s.
Matt: Grr…
Kari: What are you whining about? You got out. You were free and chose to come back.
Matt: I plead temporary insanity.
Kari: Me, on the other hand…I can’t believe he abandoned his own sister. Some brother.
CAR
(Tai, meanwhile, has dived into the backseat to lie down and stretch out contentedly)
Tai: Ahhh, this is the life. By the way, I’m Tai, and I’m escaping from evil. What do you do for a living?
Man: I transport items from one location to another, most often by vehicular transport.
Tai: *blinks* So you’re like a garbage man?
Man: Delivery guy.
Tai: Huh. Well, where are you headed?
Man: Campgrounds. “Iffy” situation.
Tai: What? But that’s the opposite of where I want to go.
Wait a minute…delivery guy…campgrounds…no Pikachus chasing me…iffy…IFFI? NO! You can’t be!
Mulder: *turns around* Wow, you are really slow.
Tai: AHHHH! *scrambles for the door*
Mulder: Are you really going to throw yourself out of a moving vehicle going at 60 mph?
Tai: I guess not. Wait. Death vs. IL…yes! *fails to open door*
Mulder: I thought that might be the case, so I installed childproof locks.
Tai: Let me out! *tugs and pulls on handles, then hits the glass* Where is my butt-kicking Skullgreymon when I need him?
Mulder: Well, I have to say, you’re a heck of a lot easier to catch than Matt was.
ON BUS
Sora: Wait, so you’re just going to let him GO?
IL: I told you, he’ll come back, just like Matt did. And if he doesn’t I can always send Mulder and the Pikachus to go get him.
Matt: *snorts* Because Mulder did such a good job finding me…
Nat: Quiet, or I’ll have the Pikachu sit on your lap for a while. The rest of you have two choices: you can keep playing Telephone, or you can play Tokomon Chess. I would advise Telephone.
IL: Actually, I’d advise Tokomon Chess, but only because I’d have more fun watching than you would playing. (The kids choose Telephone)
*~20 minutes, lots of cursing and window-banging by Tai, at least one “HELP I’M BEING KIDNAPPED” sign (quickly confiscated), and a wrong turn later*~
Mulder: Here we are back at the rest stop. *slaps handcuffs on Tai* Out you go!
Tai: What? How did you manage to put those on so fast?
Mulder: Ancient FBI trick. *shoves him out the door*
IL: Hello, Tai. Welcome back.
Tai: Damn you IL. OK Mulder, you can take the cuffs off now.
Mulder: …oops. I don’t have the key with me. It’s back at the station.
Tai: What?! Hey! No fair!
Mulder: Just kidding, a cop never carries handcuffs without a key. *reaches into his pocket* Uh-oh. *pulls out gum wrappers, a rubber band, some loose change, 3 pop tarts, a half-eaten granola bar, a little black book, and a map of Alaska*
SB: This is more interesting than Tai’s hair.
Tai: Mulder?! Where’s the key?!
Mulder: Oh, here it is.
Tai: K, hurry up.
Mulder: Nope, sorry, that’s my house key. I’ve been looking everywhere for it. I’ve been locked out of my apartment for a week and Scully wouldn’t give me the extra one I left at her place.
Izzy: So what, you’ve been living in the park?
Mulder: I have a cozy room at the radio station. I only have to share it with a few brooms.
Izzy: Why don’t you just stay with Scully?
Mulder: There were some slight problems with my toothpaste-squeezing approach as well as my drinking-out-of-the-carton habit last time I was there. She also has this obsessive-compulsive thing going on where the toilet seat has to be left down at all times…anyway as a result I was kicked out.
Tai: Get these things off of me!! Hey, Snowflake, try biting them off.
SF: I could just bite your hands off, if you like.
Tai: Uh, no.
Mimi: It’s OK, Tai, they make very fashionable bracelets.
Rod: I could try to pick the lock. Does anyone have a hairpin?
Mulder: It’s no use. These are pick-proof, state-of-the-art FBI handcuffs. Not at all like police handcuffs.
Tai: Unshackle me immediately!
Sora: Don’t worry, you can still run and play soccer.
IL: Just for that, we’re playing baseball.
Sora: You have a baseball field in the woods?
IL: Good point. We’ll just go swimming. Maybe jet-skiing.
Tai: I don’t know about that. I can’t swim very well, especially with handcuffs on.
Ken: That’s the point!
------------
Mimi: How much longer is this trip going to be?
Yolei: Can we stop for a roadside picnic? I’m starving.
IL: We just fed you lunch five hours ago.
Yolei: Five?! I need to eat every three hours! 6:00 a.m. giant breakfast, 9:00 brunch, 12-noon lunch, 3:00 tea, 6:00 dinner, 9:00 supper, and 12-midnight snack.
Mimi: You pig! I don’t eat that many meals in a week.
Yolei: Well, you’re anorexic and malnourished, as we learned in health class.
TK: I don’t even remember the last time I went to school.
Ash’s Distant Voice: What’s school?
Ken: I miss school. My brilliance was actually appreciated there.
Yolei: I want to eat.
Nat: Well, we’re going to have “Digi Survivor” – you’ll have to survive on your own, so you’d better get used to being hungry.
Joe: Wait, we can’t! I don’t have my first aid kit! I barely survived the Digiworld with it. How will I survive Digi Survivor without it?
Nat: Speaking of which, I should explain the rules, shouldn’t I? We’re almost there so I’ll make it quick. There are two tribes. Each tribe’s members must work together to complete challenging tasks. Whichever tribe loses a task has to vote off a member. When there are only a few people left it’s everyone for themselves. The winner of the challenge wins immunity and everyone else has to vote someone off. When there are only two people left, everybody else comes back to vote for who they want to win. Clear?
Davis: These “tribes” of which you speak…they aren’t anything like “teams,” are they?
Nat: *sarcastically* Absolutely nothing alike.
Davis: Oh, good. I hate teams.
Yolei: This will be fun! All I have to do is get voted off, then sit back and re-LAX!
Nat: It’s not that simple, I’m afraid.
Yolei: Damn.
Matt: Those of you who get voted off will spend the rest of the trip in “Camp Snowflake.”
Sora: That doesn’t sound like much fun.
Snowflake: Oh, it will be much fun…at least for me.
IL: Look, we’re here.
Joe: This looks more like a house than a campground.
IL: It is a house. This is where Martin and Bevan live. Martin is going to join us in camping since we need a 14th kid to make teams – I mean tribes – even.
Matt: Very nice, Tour Guide Interview Lady. Can we go now?
Nat: (ignoring him) Snowflake, why don’t you go get Martin? (SF exits the bus and opens the door)
Martin: *opens the door* Hi everybody! (he’s carrying a duffle bag, sleeping equipment, and other camping equipment out to the bus) I’m all ready to go.
Matt: Why does he have to come? Can’t we just get rid of Jun? Then we’d have even teams!
SB: Martin! Can I sit in your hair again?
Martin: No thanks.
Mimi: Hey! How come HE got to pack? I wanna go home and pack a suitcase or three.
Sora: I thought you went to get a haircut, Martin
Martin: I just got a trim. Bevan cut his even shorter AND dyed it black.
Matt: You’re kidding.
(Bevan comes outside to say goodbye)
Matt: AH! Why would someone dye perfectly good blonde hair black?
Ken: Because black hair is cool, that’s why.
Martin: I told you he was the evil twin.
PT: Yeah, I’m starting a trend! *pause* Ew, how preppy.
Matt: What is the Tokomon version of preppy?
PT: *shudders* Like HIM. *indicates Snowball* All pink and cuddly.
Tai: I think cuddly is a bit of an overstatement.
SB: *narrows eyes menacingly*
Tai: Kidding!
IL: OK, let’s go.
Sora: Martin, I want your stuff – I mean, you – on my team!
Martin: I’m not sure we get to pick our teams.
Tai: Probably not. But just in case, let’s make an alliance so we don’t have to go to Camp Snowflake.
Martin: Camp what?
----------------
Nat: OK, here we are, everyone out. This is your last chance to secure friendships, because half of you are going to the other side of the island.
Yolei: What island?
IL: The one out there.
THE ISLAND
(A pine/maple tree covered island sits way out in the middle of a crystal-clear lake. There are no signs of civilization in the immediate area except for the long, winding dirt road leading back out to the highway)
Sora: And how do we get to said island?
Nat: By swimming, obviously.
Kari: May I remind you that we lack swimsuits and a dry change of clothes?
Martin: I have a swimsuit.
Matt: Shut up.
Tai: May I remind you that I’M STILL WEARING HANDCUFFS?
IL: Oh yeah. I still think it would be funny to leave them on, but Dave the Spoilsport Manager said something about complicated messy legal work resulting in my firing if anybody died on the air…so here’s the spare key. *unlocks them*
Tai: I don’t like how he specified "on air."
Joe: Do you realize that the water is like 40 degrees?
Nat: Is it really? Well, what are you complaining about then? It’s above freezing. When I was your age, we used to go swimming the day the ice went out every year.
IL: *snickers* Did you just say “when I was your age”?
Nat: Hush you. Now, the first person to reach the island gets to pick 6 other people to be in your tribe.
Matt: Yes! I’m going to be first! I’ll win this race and get to spend the rest of the contest away from Jun.
Sora: No way, I’m going to win, and I won’t pick you OR Jun to be in my tribe.
IL: *blows whistle* Everyone, line up at the edge of the water. (they comply) 1…2…3…GO!
(13 kids splash into the water)
Joe: *still dry* Are you sure this water is sanitary? It looks questionable to me.
Cody: *gurgles* That’s *gurgle* copyrighted!
IL: Oh, believe me, there is no question as to the sanitary level of this lake.
Joe: OK! *jumps in lake* Hah! Ohohoh! Hoo! Cold! I…I…I’m allergic to the cold! I’m going into epileptic shock!
SF: If you don’t get in further than your ankles, I’ll have to ask the sharks to chase you across.
Joe: Sharks?! I’m coming out right now.
SF: Did I say sharks? I meant leeches.
Joe: Eeeeeeh! (He tries to pick up both his feet at once…and promptly falls into the water) My glasses are wet! I can’t see anything! I want my Digimon back. I want my big strong Ikkakumon.
Nat: What a crybaby. Come on, Tokos, IL and I rented 2 jet skis to get us across.
Joe: You can’t leave me here!
Nat: Watch us. (IL and Nat pulls branches off 2 brand-new jet skis and climb aboard with Snowball, Snowflake, and PT)
SB: Bye Joe! See you on the island!
Joe: (by himself now) *climbs out of the lake and dries off his glasses* Hey! They left the bus here! I can just leave, and unlike Matt, I have free transportation. (Rod and Mulder climb out of the bus)
Rod: Joe? How come you aren’t swimming to the island?
Joe: Ummm…umm…don’t like confrontations! *jumps back into the lake and starts swimming away*
Mulder: Weird kid. (He and Rod uncover 2 more jet-skis and head off to the island)
LAKE
Matt: Stroke, stroke, stroke
Sora: I’m beating you, Matt.
Jun: (to the tune of I’ve Been Workin’ on the Railroad) *sings* I’ve been swimming at the la-ake, all the live long day!
Matt: *panting* How does she have that much energy?
Noise: ZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZ!
Sora: What is that?
Matt: A really annoying, very large mosquito?
Noise: ZZZZZZZZZZ! (The Jet Skis with IL and Nat on them zip past the swimmers)
PT: See ya on the island, suckers!
SF: PT! Haven’t I taught you to behave properly?
PT: Sorry. See you on the island, suckers!
SF: Much better. (they disappear out of hearing range)
Matt: Aaahh! Huge waves! We’re going to drown. (some little waves go by; the kids bob up and down)
Sora: Some giant wave.
Matt: Oh well. Swim, swim, swim, I’m going to win.
Sora: No you’re not! *grabs his foot and pulls him back*
Matt: *chokes* Hey! *ducks Sora’s head under water*
Sora: *gurgles* Hey! *splashes him*
Matt: That’s it. (Matt attempts to splash Sora, but ends up getting dunked again) Water war!
Ken: You two are so dumb. *swims past them*
Sora: Ah! He’s going to beat me! *swims to catch up*
ON THE ISLAND
SB: Are they here yet?
PT: *peers through mini-binoculars* Nope. But $20 says at least two people drown.
SB: Naw, it’s not worth that money for that bet. They’re all going to drown.
PT: Fine. $20 betting that Joe is last.
SB: Well duh, who’s going to take that bet?
PT: Fine. $1 says Sora beats Matt.
SB: OK, you’re on. (They shake paws) Hey look I see somebody!
(Even without binoculars, 3 specks are visible swimming toward them)
Sora: Must win.
Matt: Must win.
Ken: Must win.
(Finally, Matt dunks Sora and pulls ahead. He reaches shallow water just ahead of the other two)
SB: Hah! $1.
PT: Not yet.
Sora: Cheater! *tackles Matt and dunks him again* If I can’t beat you, I’m going to BEAT you!
PT: *smugly* $1 for me.
SB: Cheater.
(Sora punches Matt in the stomach and Matt pulls her hair – they both go underwater again)
Ken: Hm, I win. (He is standing on dry land)
Sora: NO!
Ken: Yes. (very smugly and slowly, drawing it out) Now, let’s see. Who do I want to be on my tribe?
Sora: *scowls* Shut it.
Ken: Naturally, I can have only the very smartest people on Tribe SmartOnesWhoWinAll.
Matt: *staggers to the bank* Pick me! Don’t pick Jun!
Ken: Nonsense. I will not have my camp disrupted in the middle of the night when Jun creeps around from her side of the island and pounces on you.
Matt: I’ll find a really good hiding spot!
(Meanwhile, more kids begin to straggle in)
Tai: This is the SECOND time my hair’s gotten wet today! It takes forever to dry and there’s something in it. *shakes his head and hits his hair vigorously* (A bunch of minnows hit the sand and a bullfrog leaps out)
Sora: Yuck!
Ken: Tai, if you weren’t so stupid, I’d make you a tribe member in case the less intelligent beings can’t catch food.
Matt: Hurry up and pick. I want to hear the people you want instead of the ones you don’t want.
Ken: First everyone has to GET here.
Martin: *dives out of the water and onto the sand* Finally. You people are sick. SOMEBODY kept grabbing my hands. *glares at Davis*
Davis: I was trying to stop you! I wanted to be on the island first. I had your ankles, until you kicked me in the jaw. What choice did I have?
Martin: To stop touching me and actually try to swim faster?
Davis: That’s…one option.
Jun: *flails and thrashes in the water* Help! Helllp! I have a Charlie Horse! MAATTT! *glug glug*
Martin: Oh my gosh! We have to save her.
Matt: Nah, we really don’t.
Martin: Are you kidding?? *jumps into the water*
Matt: NO! *tackles him and tries to hold him down* (He gets dragged into the water and towed along behind. He hangs on until Martin gets too close to Jun, then realizes the danger, jumps off, and bolts for shore. Martin reaches the spot where Jun went underwater)
Jun: *pops up and hugs Martin* Hi Matt! Oh wait, you’re just the Runner-Up Matt.
Martin: I came out here to save your life!
Jun: Thanks, but I have to catch up to Matt. *swims off*
Martin: What the-
Mimi: Maaaaarrtiiin! I can’t swim! Help!
Martin: Oh...you’re that girl I had to cuddle.
Mimi: My name’s MIMI you idiot! Save me!
Martin: How did you get this far if you can’t swim?
Mimi: Well, I was clinging to Tai…but then I realized it was Tai, so I let go.
Mimi: FINE…*grabs Mimi, who clings to him*
Mimi: Yay! Cuddles!
Martin: Good grief. (He tows her to shore, then hears..)
Joe: EEEEH! There are leeches and sharks and manta rays and walleyes with big teeth and snapping turtles -
Martin: What’s your point?
Joe: Rescue me too!
Martin: *sighs* OK, but you’re the LAST one I’m rescuing.
Joe: Thank you! (Martin hauls Joe in and all the kids crowd around Ken on the beach)
Yolei: Did I win?
Ken: Hah! As if. I won. You were #10.
Joe: What number was I?
Ken: YOU were dead last. You therefore cannot be a part of Tribe SmartOnesWhoWinAll. Now, please gather ‘round for the ceremony as I select my subjects, I mean fellow tribe members.
Yolei: Ceremony?
Ken: Yup, listen up. First I pick Izzy, because I can’t stand the thought of him plotting against me. And Yolei, because she used to be good with computers and was therefore fairly smart.
Yolei: Well, I was the technology expert of the group before you came along.
Izzy: Actually, that was still me.
Ken: Whatever. Next I have to have Martin, because he’s almost as smart as me. Plus he can swim for ages, so he’ll test the water for snapping turtles when necessary.
Martin: I’m not going to be your water-tester! I refuse to join.
Ken: Then you can be on Mimi and Jun’s team.
Martin: I’ll join.
Ken: Let’s see. I kicked Joe off my team, and I have a grudge against Sora, and I certainly can’t have Tai or Davis on my team…so I’ll take TK and Kari. That leaves…oh, Cody. Well, I have a grudge against him too, but that’s OK. Short people are very useful.
Cody: I resent that. I also resent you.
Ken: Too bad. If you don’t like it, we’ll vote you off first.
Matt: Wait, wait, wait. I have to be on a team of idiots? Including JUN?
Sora: You wouldn’t be implying that I’m idiot, would you?
Matt: Actually, yes, that’s exactly what I’m implying.
Sora: I hate you! *knocks him into the water again*
Matt: All RIGHT, truce. We’ll make an alliance right now to vote off Davis.
Sora: No, we have to get rid of Joe first because he’s more useless.
Matt: Fine, then I’m out of the alliance!
Sora: But you wanted to be a Nazi, and they need lots of alliances.
Matt: I don’t see any fascists or communists here.
Sora: How about a non-aggression pact? I won’t vote for you if you don’t vote for me.
Tai: We haven’t even done the contests yet. Maybe their team will have to vote people off.
(Sora and Matt look at him blankly, then huddle together)
Matt: *whispers* New alliance – we’ll vote off Tai first.
Sora: Agreed. (Sora walks off)
Matt: Sucker. Tai, promise to vote Sora off with me, OK?
Tai: Sure, I don’t care.
Nat: Kids-who-aren’t-on-Ken’s-team, you need a name.
Tai: Camp Cool Dudes!
Matt: No. Let’s be the No Jun Club.
Sora: This is Digi Survivor, not after-school play time.
Jun: (pronouncing it in English) Let’s be Les Miserables!
Matt: I would vote for that name if I wasn’t on the team and Jun hadn’t suggested it
Davis: I wanna be “Les Mighty Canards.”
Matt: That’s really dumb. And it’s franglais, too. I think we should be “The Lone Wolves.”
Joe: That’s kind of an odd name for a tribe with multiple members in it.
Matt: I said the Lone Wolves, plural. Meaning we all split up and live half a mile away from each other. Jun, go over there, past the horizon.
Sora: The island is only like 2 miles long. There isn’t enough room for that.
Matt: OK, then Jun, go stand behind that tree…no, that one WAY over there. The pine tree.
Jun: But pine trees are sappy!
Matt: You’ll get along well, I’m sure. Back to our name.
Ken: You should call yourselves “The Unchosen Ones Destined to Lose.”
Joe: I don’t like that name.
Davis: Teamo Supremo!
Cody: That’s copyrighted.
Davis: You’re not in my tribe so I don’t have to listen to you anymore.
Joe: Let’s be the VerySafeTribeThatNeverGetsHurt.
Davis: How about the SpongeBob SquarePants team?
Matt: How about Champions of the Isle?
Everyone Else: OK, that works.
IL: Well, now that that’s decided, we’ll explain the first tribal task. Each tribe has to build a camp including at least one waterproof building, and then find your flag somewhere on the island. Then you have to be the first to bring it back to your camp. Ken, your tribe finds the blue flag and Matt’s tribe finds the red flag.
Davis: When did it become Matt’s tribe?
IL: Fine, Davis’ tribe finds the red flag. (Matt rolls his eyes) Whoever returns their flag to their camp first wins – and the losers vote off a tribe member who must come to live at Camp Snowflake.
Ken: Okay tribe, let’s go.
Matt: *watches them march off* Okay tribe, let’s go.
Davis: Excuse me, but IL said “Davis’ Tribe.” I’m in charge here. Okay tribe, let’s go.
READER: KEEP THIS CHART FOR REFERENCE
EAST SIDE (SmartOnesWhoWinAll)
Ken
Izzy
Martin
Yolei
TK
Kari
Cody
WEST SIDE (Champions of the Isle)
Sora
Matt
Jun
Tai
Davis
Mimi
Joe
EASTERN END OF THE WOODS
Ken: We need a plan. We have to build a shelter and find a flag. *indicates the empty flag stand*
Martin: How about if 4 people work on the shelter and 3 split up to look for the flag?
Ken: …brilliant plan…I could have thought of one just as good, but that works, I suppose. Let’s keep the 4 smartest people here to build and the other 3 can start flag hunting.
Izzy: How about if TK, Kari and Yolei go flag-hunting?
Yolei: Is that so all BOYS can stay to build like macho men? Are you saying girls can’t build good buildings?
TK: Come on ladies. Let’s go off into the woods.
Kari: TK! *slaps him* That’s dirty.
TK: Hey, that’s my line. Where’s Cody when you need him.
Cody: “That’s dirty” isn’t copyrighted.
TK: What? How do I get it copyrighted?
Cody: It involves much paperwork and money paying. I know because I copyrighted the phrase “That’s copyrighted.”
TK: Oh. Anyway…if I were a flag, where would I hide?
Kari: It doesn’t hide itself. It was hidden by Nat and IL.
TK: OK, if I were a flag, where would IL and Nat hide me?
Kari: No, we have to think like IL and Nat. TK, jump into any and all snake-filled pits, quicksand pools, and dank caves we find.
TK: I think not.
Yolei: Let’s just start walking. (They go into the forest)
Ken: Hey, I think these two saplings can be bent down and attached. Here, Cody, hold this. *hands him one bent tree*
Cody: Okay AHHH! (The tree snaps up while Cody clings desperately to the end, whipping back and forth before dangling 15 feet above the ground) Ken, you stupid idiot!
Ken: Cody, you redundant midget!
Cody: Shut up and get me down.
WESTERN SIDE OF THE ISLAND
Davis: So…is this where we camp?
Matt: (mockingly) I don’t know, it’s not MY tribe.
Davis: Shut your trap.
Matt: “Is this where we camp?”
Davis: I’d stop it if I were you.
Matt: Actually, I was hoping to aggravate you into attacking me so I could beat you up, humiliate you, and regain control of the tribe.
Davis: I won’t fall for your diabolical plan. I’m too smart.
Matt: Davis, you’re a weenie.
Davis: Why you… *attacks Matt, Matt beats him up*
Matt: And now I’m in charge of the tribe.
Davis: I can’t believe I fell for it!
Jun: Oh, Mattsy, you’re so smart!
Matt: That’s nice. Let’s start building. It has to be waterproof, and that will take some work.
Tai: But I don’t know how to build a waterproof shelter.
Matt: It’s very simple…you just, um…well anyway we’ll need some palm fronds and some coconuts.
Sora: I’m not seeing many palm trees, Matt. We’re in Minnesota. The only trees are pines and birch and stuff.
Matt: Well, anyone else have a brilliant plan?
Sora: Since I’m the smartest person in the tribe, I’ll have to come up with one. Everyone gather driftwood and put it in a big pile.
Matt: Driftwood?
Sora: *shrugs* Or branches work.
Matt: That’s your brilliant plan? Put branches in a pile?!
Sora: Fine, you go look for the flag.
Matt: FINE. *Stalks off into the woods by himself*
Sora: Quick! Wood! Wood!
Davis: Slave driver.
Sora: What?
Davis: I said I need a screwdriver…to, um, screw the wood pieces together.
Mimi: We don’t have any screws!
Davis: Oh. Never mind then.
Jun: *comes back with an armload of wood* Where’s Matt?
Joe: He went off to look for the flag.
Jun: By himself? But there are bears! I have to go protect him!
Joe: B-bears? *falls over*
Sora: Davis! We need wood!
Davis: Forget it, I’m going with Matt to find the flag…you get the wood.
Sora: FINE!
EAST SIDE
Ken: Okay…which would be better: beach hut with a porch, or a tree house?
Martin: I think tree house.
Ken: A tree house would have superior protection against sabotage from the other team.
Izzy: Are you sure you can build a tree house that’s waterproof as well?
Ken: Of course I can. I’m Ken Ichijouji!
WEST SIDE
Sora: More wood!
Mimi: I’ll break a nail, I know I will.
Tai: This looks more like a giant bonfire pile than a shelter.
Sora: Hush you, or I’ll burn you at the stake.
Joe: Do we have enough to start building now?
Sora: Let me assess the situation… (she inspects the wood pile) No! More wood!
Jun: When is Matt coming back?
Mimi: I’ve picked up every stick within a mile of here!
Sora: Too bad.
SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE
Matt: *sigh of pleasure* This is nice…quiet and strangely lonely. I wonder where Jun is.
Davis: Hey Matt! Wait!
Matt: *sigh* Motimiyas – I can’t escape them. *hopefully* Did Jun die?
Davis: No, but Sora’s making her carry wood.
Matt: Really? Cool.
Davis: These woods are very calm. You can almost believe IL and Nat don’t exist.
Matt: That’s it!
Davis: What?
Matt: We’re in the calm woods: Calmwood! I’m home!
Davis: You’re weird. Hey look! There’s the blue flag! *points up in a tree*
Matt: You’re kidding…but we have to find the red one.
Davis: Oh.
Matt: But on the other hand…if we take their flag and hide it better, then they won’t find it and we’ll have all the time we need to build our fort and find our flag.
Davis: Okay, here, let me stand on your shoulders and I’ll get it down
--------
TK: C’mon, Kari, we have to find that flag.
Kari: We’re supposed to split up to look.
TK: Nah, you need me to protect you. *puts arm around her shoulders*
Davis’ Distant Voice: Hey! I see you, TK!
Matt’s Distant Voice: Shut up! They’ll see us!
Kari: Hmm…maybe we should investigate. *pulls free of TK and pushes through some bushes*
TK: What the…Davis? Why are you standing on Matt’s shoulders?
Davis: Umm…we heard that the next challenge is…climbing trees…so we thought we’d practice.
Kari: O-kay. Good luck with that. We have a flag to find now.
TK: Yeah! *puts his arm around Kari again*
Matt: TK, do you need a chaperone?
Davis: *growls at TK* Don’t make me come down there.
TK: Does this bother you? *pulls Kari closer*
Davis: TK!! …OUCH! (He loses his balance and falls down on top of TK and Kari)
TK: Ew. Davis, get off me.
Matt: That looks bad. Hey Davis, where’s IL and her camera when you do embarrassing things?
Davis: I don’t know, but she can stay where she is.
*Bright flash*
SF: Heeheehee.
Kari: Snowflake, go away!
TK: No, Tokomon! Come back!
Davis: And gimme that picture while you’re at it!
SF: I live for moments like this!
Davis: Come outta that tree so I can pummel you.
SF: I don’t think so. *bounces away through the tree branches and disappears*
Davis: I swear, he’s a Paparazzimon, not a Tokomon.
Matt: (to TK and Kari) Well, you two had better go. We’re probably not supposed to “mingle” with the other tribe members.
TK: Okay! (He and Kari walk off)
Davis: Are you nuts? You let Kari go off into the woods ALONE with TK?
Matt: Shh. We have to get their flag before they find it. We’re lucky they didn’t see it.
Davis: How can you be so competitive at a time like this?
Matt: Competitive? Me? What about you, Mr. I’m Better Than TK? Tell me this: which would look better…winning the game, or beating up TK?
Davis: Beating up TK?
Matt: You have SO much to learn about girls.
Davis: This coming from Mr. The-Only-Girlfriend-I’ve-Ever-Had-Is-Jun?
Matt: That’s Mr. I-Never-Dated-Your-Sister-And-Never-Will to you. Now hurry up and get that flag. *helps Davis up*
Davis: Um…we have a slight problem.
Matt: Shut up and stop watching TK and Kari.
Davis: No. The flag is not there.
Matt: Only you could lose a flag in fifteen seconds.
Davis: I didn’t lose it, TK must have stolen it! I’ll go find him and beat him up. (Matt drops him on the ground) Hey!
Matt: *grabs Davis’ collar* Stop and think. If TK was on the ground talking to us the whole time, then when did he steal the flag?
Davis: I’ll go ask!
Matt: *rolls eyes* Think about who was in the trees.
Davis: Monkeys?
Matt: I’ll give you a clue…it’s small and pink and fluffy with big teeth.
Davis: A fluffy vampire pig?
Matt: Well…sometimes it looks like a flying pig.
Davis: *stares, confused*
Matt: It starts with S.
Davis: SUPER MUTANT VAMPIRE PIGS??
Matt: Snowflake, you idiot. He stole the flag, so now we don’t know where either of them are.
Davis: Oh. Let’s go beat up TK for letting his Toko steal the flag.
Matt: We’re not going to beat up TK.
Davis: Aww…please?
Matt: No.
Davis: Please?
Matt: No.
Davis: Pretty please?
Matt: NO.
Davis: Please please please please please
Matt: ALL RIGHT!
Davis: Really?
Matt: No.
Davis: Please please *gets punched in the mouth* Pwea? *gets knocked out*
--------
Yolei: I’m hungry. We’re in the woods; how come I don’t see beehives and berry bushes and vegetables all over? Or at least a deer?
Kari: Don’t ask me. I just want to find the stupid flag.
TK: I’m tired…I’m gonna go sit in the shade.
Kari: Hey, that’s poison ivy! [a/n: You knew it had to happen sometime]
TK: Eeek! *jumps up and swats at his clothing, kicking leaves away* (his hat falls off)
Yolei: Wait, what’s that thing?
Kari: It’s our flag! What kind of sadistic person hides our flag behind poison ivy – wait, this is THEIR flag! The other tribe’s! Let’s hide it somewhere else so they won’t find it. TK, go get it for me.
TK: Why me?
Kari: Because you already touched it.
TK: No I didn’t, only my hat fell in. *gasp* My hat!
Kari: Hurry up.
TK: This isn’t fair. *uses his hat and a stick to fish out the flag*
Yolei: Where should we put it?
Kari: Let’s take it back to our beach and bury it in the sand. Then they’ll never find it.
TK: Wait, we still have to find our flag.
Kari: OK, I’ll keep looking. You guys go back to the beach.
EAST SIDE
Ken: Okay…finished!
Martin: So we have a ladder made of lakeweed and wood.
Ken: All we need to do now is to pick the tree for the tree house.
Izzy: And build it.
Martin: Maybe we should test our ladder.
Ken: *d’oh* Why didn’t I think of that?
Izzy: Cody, you’re the lightest…try it out.
Cody: Shouldn’t we have the heaviest person do it? I don’t know about this…
Ken: It’s perfectly safe; after all I built it.
Cody: Fine. (Ken props the ladder up on a tree trunk and Cody climbs onto the first step)
Ken: Good, now try the next step, and the next.
Cody: *climbs up several more steps* Hey! Why is my Kendo stick part of the ladder?
Martin: What’s a Kendo stick?
Cody: *gasp* *falls off ladder*
Ken: Did my ladder break?
Izzy: No, he just fainted.
Ken: Oh, OK then.
Martin: So what is a Kendo stick?
Ken: It’s that little wooden cane/stick thing that Cody brings everywhere with him. It’s supposed to be used for something kind of like fencing, but Cody uses it now mainly to threaten small rodents and/or people who fail to recognize copyrights.
WEST SIDE
Sora: Okay, we have enough wood now.
Mimi: Finally. *collapses* I’m so tired.
Sora: Now the real work begins.
Joe: How are we going to do this?
Sora: I was thinking we could build some sort of teepee or wigwam.
Joe: Don’t teepees have holes in the middle? That’s not going to be very waterproof.
Tai: I don’t know how a bunch of sticks are going to be waterproof no matter what we do.
Sora: Anyone have any buffalo or deer skins?
Mimi: We could cover it with our clothes.
Tai: After that swim in the lake, I’m pretty sure my clothes aren’t waterproof. They’re not even water friendly.
Sora: No, I’ve got it! I’ll draw a blueprint in the sand and then you guys build it. (She takes a stick and makes several lines and scratches, crosses some out, and draws something that looks more like an African mask than a house)
Tai: OK. I’ll go get a pile of sticks and drop them. That should be a perfect replica of your drawing.
Sora: Tai, you’re a genius!
Tai: What? I was joking.
Sora: No – we take a bunch of pine branches, and we pile them over that bush to make it waterproof. Of course, somebody will have to crawl in and pull out all the branches inside so we can live under it.
Tai: So…you propose that the 7 of us live in a 3 x 4 x 3 space, give or take some for the rounded corners?
Sora: Stick your head in, the branches should stick right to your hair.
Tai: Yeah right! I think not. *digs around in his hair* Here we go, my trusty pocketknife.
(everyone in camp suddenly races over)
Sora: How did you manage to smuggle a KNIFE past Interview Lady?? And why did you not mention this earlier?
Tai: You didn’t ask.
Sora: Go cut branches! Hurry up! (An hour later, the tribe has hollowed out the bushes and extended the covering to connect with a stand of pine trees, making a sort of cave)
Mimi: You mean I still have to sleep on the DIRT? With bugs all over? This place is stupid.
Sora: Who votes that Mimi sleep on the beach? (6 people raise their hands)
Mimi: Did you really make me a beach house??
Sora: No, that was sarcasm. We meant, as in sleep on sand all by yourself.
Mimi: Why can’t I be in Ken’s tribe? He probably made everybody a 5-room cabin for themselves.
EAST SIDE
Ken: OK Tribe, how are we doing? (His team stares at him. Branches are strewn around, but almost nothing is done)
Martin: Well, maybe you could actually help us instead of standing around insulting us… We’ve gathered most of the wood we need, anyway.
Ken: You’re all a bunch of flea-brained MORONS! *stalks off into the woods* The only good thing about this is that the dumb tribe is probably still trying to cut their first branch. (He walks towards the other side of the island and peers through some branches at the other tribe)
WEST SIDE
Sora: OK Tai, go inside and we’ll dump water on the hut to see if it’s waterproof.
Tai: OK! *crawls inside* Hey it’s not leaking!
Ken: D’oh! *slaps head* I don’t believe it. *stalks back to his side of camp*
Sora: Tai, you idiot, we haven’t dumped the water on yet.
Tai: Oh. (she throws the water)
Sora: Did that work?
Tai: What do you think? *crawls out of the hut soaking wet*
EAST SIDE
TK: Yo everybody look what we have! (Yolei waves the red flag)
Cody: We’re supposed to find the blue one.
Yolei: Duh. We’re gonna bury this one on the beach so the other team can’t find it.
Martin: That doesn’t sound very fair.
Izzy: Sure it is. It’s not like we’re going to burn it. They can still find it, they just have to look harder now.
Martin: Whatever, let’s work on the house.
TK: Yolei, you go bury the flag, I’ll help build. So how far are you guys?
Cody: Well, we have a ladder, and we started building a floor but then we realized we don’t have any nails to hold the wood together.
Martin: I don’t think this will work. Let’s just lean some branches up against the tree trunk and cover the top with leaves and mud.
Everyone: …
Izzy: That could work. Mud is waterproof.
(Everyone starts building again)
WOODS
Davis: If you were a flag, where would you hide?
Matt: Wherever Snowflake put me.
Davis: Well, we’re not going to find it, so let’s go beat up TK.
Matt: I told you – no.
Davis: Hey look! I see something red! (He runs into a raspberry bush) Ow, thorns. Ow. Got it! *runs out again*
Matt: OK, since it’s obviously not a flag, what is it?
Davis: I think it’s a stocking cap. *puts it on his head*
Matt: No! It’s a pair of underwear.
Davis: *yelps*
Toko’s Faraway Voice: We told you! Davis is a panty thief!
Davis: I am not! *rips it off his head* Maybe we should return this to its owner.
Matt: *rolls eyes* How do you propose doing that?
Davis: Well, there are initials embroidered on them: S.C.
Matt: What’s Sora’s middle name?
Davis: I don’t remember.
Matt: This is so dumb. I can’t believe you’re going to try this.
Davis: Isn’t IL’s real name Stephanie? Maybe her middle name starts with a C.
Matt: Or maybe it stands for “Santa Claus.” Let’s just look for the flag.
Davis: But some poor person is running around with no underwear!
Matt: And you really want to find this person? Besides, I’m sure they have more than one pair…most people do…you have more than one pair of underwear, right? Wait I don’t want to know.
EAST SIDE
TK: So now we just cover all these sticks with leaves and mud?
Martin: Yup.
TK: Okay, cool. *grabs a handful of mud and throws it on the fort* Hey! Let’s have a mud fight!
Izzy: That’s okay.
TK: Chicken. *throws mud at him*
Izzy: Watch it! *dodges out of the way*
TK: I missed on purpose. Come on, it’ll be fun! Or we could have Yolei and Kari mud wrestle.
Izzy: What is your fascination with mud?
TK: Well duh, it’s dirty.
Ken: *reappears from his journey to the other side* Hey guys! We have to hurry! The other team already has a shelter.
TK: Don’t worry, we took their flag.
Ken: *does a double take* …what is this?! *indicates the stick/leaf and mud construction*
Martin: It’s our shelter.
Ken: What about my tree house?!
Cody: No offense, but it was too hard. We didn’t have a good plan so we’re doing this instead.
Ken: *turns red* Mutiny! Whose idea was this? (everyone looks at Martin) You?! Who do you think you are Marty-Boy?!
Martin: It’s Martin.
Ken: Oh yeah? I’ll teach you to try and take over my spot as leader of this tribe! *pulls out his whip*
Martin: What are you doing?
Ken: *looks surprised* Why…I’m going to teach you a lesson.
Martin: I thought you were supposed to be smart. What is this sudden show of brainless brawn?
Ken: Wha…hey! You can’t sound smart! *puts whip away* Fine, I’ll just have to prove I’m smarter than you.
Martin: Okay, how do you play a C flat on the clarinet?
Ken: Um…I …um…I know this!
Martin: You don’t know.
Ken: Damn you!
Martin: It’s so simple. All you have to do is…
Ken: *covers ears* Lalala I can’t hear you.
TK: MUDFIGHT! *throws a big handful of mud at Ken, which hits him in the face*
Ken: *sputters* TK! *picks up mud and throws it at him, but misses*
TK: Think fast, Martin! *flings another glob*
Martin: *scrapes mud out of his hair*
Ken: TK, this means war! *flings a glob of mud back at him*
TK: Ken, you’re such a bad pitcher-*gets knocked over*
Izzy: Would you idiots stop behaving like prehistoric cretins and start looking for the flag?
TK: Bawk bawk bawk! (Izzy storms over)
Izzy: Do you know how long it takes to build a jail cell out of mud?
TK: N-no, not really.
Izzy: Let’s find out. *drags TK off the ground and fashions handcuffs made from long green twigs*
TK: Hey, come on, I promise not to throw any more mud.
Ken: Quick, start building. Then we can throw in Martin the Mutineer too.
Martin: You know, I’m perfectly willing to make peace and be friends.
Ken: Never, you traitorous usurper!
Yolei: Ken, why don’t you stop being a moron and admit that Martin has some good ideas?
Ken: I don’t want to.
Cody: Let’s all pause and pray to our ancestors for guidance. (all stare at him) Or not. Since we have a shelter, let’s think of how to find our flag.
WOODS
Davis: I’m just saying, let’s go visit Ken’s camp and ask them if anyone is missing their underwear.
Matt: Why? Nobody at that camp has a name starting with “S.”
Davis: Maybe it stands for Super Cody.
Matt: Yeah, I’ll bet. I’m only going along with this so I can avoid Jun. (they walk into camp)
EAST SIDE
Davis: Hi guys! How’s it going?
Yolei: It’s Davis!
Kari: Ew, get him out, he’s spreading stupidity germs. Davis, this camp is only for smart kids. Matt, you come on in. You can take TK’s spot in the tribe.
Davis: Yes! Do that – send out TK!
Matt: *swats him* Shut up.
Ken: Hey! I told you, I don’t want Jun in my camp, so Matt, get out of here. I don’t need any more dumb blonds.
Davis: Send out TK! Send out TK!
Matt: *snatches the underwear and holds it up* Davis found this out in the woods and for some reason he really wants to know if-
Izzy: *spots the material* Hey! They’ve got a flag!
Yolei: *gasps* That can’t be! I hid their flag really well in the sand in the middle of the beach by the big rock-
Izzy: BE QUIET!
Matt: What? How dare you steal our flag! Who would stoop to such a dirty act? I’m coming in there. Davis, cover me.
Davis: OK! *runs in*
Matt: And DON’T TOUCH TK!
Davis: Aww…what am I supposed to do then?
Matt: OK, YOU go dig up our flag, and I’ll hold them off. (Matt snatches Cody’s Kendo stick and proceeds to hold off the ring of kids (tripping Yolei as she runs to intercept Davis) while Davis digs through the sand, seizes the flag, and runs off)
Davis: I got it, let’s go! (he runs past TK, kicks him in the shin, and runs off in the direction of his own camp, laughing wildly. Matt follows)
Ken: Great. Just great. Do you have any more wonderful ideas, Yolei?
Yolei: It’s not MY fault.
Izzy: How is it not your fault if you told them precisely where to find their flag?
Yolei: Because you said they had the flag.
Izzy: I didn’t say they had THEIR flag, I said they had a flag. You should have checked the color yourself.
Ken: Well, I know who I’m voting out. (*glares at Yolei*)
Yolei: Wouldn’t you rather vote out Martin or TK or Cody?
Ken: Hm…can I vote out 4 people the first time and then skip voting for 3 weeks?
Izzy: I don’t think so.
Ken: Then Yolei it is.
Yolei: But that’s not fair! It will hurt tribe morale to lose my peppy cheerful presence!
Ken: What do you think will happen to tribe morale when “SmartOnesWhoWinAll” LOSE the first
challenge?!
WEST SIDE
Matt: Hey guys, guess what we found?
Davis: *interrupts* What I found.
Matt: Yeah, whatever.
Davis: We found a red pair of underwear with the initials “S.C.” on them!
Matt: *smacks him* No, you idiot. We found the flag!
Sora: Awesome.
Matt: So did you finish the shelter yet?
Tai: (still soaking) Well sort of, but it’s not quite waterproof yet.
Sora: More branches!
Jun: Mattsy! You’re back! *attaches herself to him*
Matt: You know, I’d probably live longer if my brain wasn’t constantly being deprived of oxygen.
Davis: Is that why you’re so dumb? You have brain damage?
Matt: DAVIS! (he attempts to tackle him, but Jun pulls him down and he trips and falls) Jun! Let go so I can beat up your brother.
Joe: Let’s hurry and get the shelter finished so we can win.
Sora: Yes. More branches!
Mimi: Nooooo! *collapses*
Sora: Now! We NEED enough pine boughs to make it waterproof. The pine needles will keep the water off.
Tai: The roof on this thing is already like 2 feet thick.
Sora: Let me see. *crawls inside* (muffled voice) Tai! Your stupid POINTY HAIR poked holes in my roof!
Tai: Oops. Well, then all we have to do is fix the holes. (they rearrange the branches)
Sora: Okay, we’re ready to test it.
Tai: Ready? *dumps water on the fort*
Sora: Yeah! It worked!
~*~*~*~*~*TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sora: What’s that?
Tai: AHH! It’s the Toko Copter! Into the shelter! (Snowflake drops down on a rope, wearing a little harness and reading from a scroll)
SF: It is my pleasure to announce that the Champions of the Isle Tribe has won the first challenge. As a reward, you may have six sleeping bags and pillows.
Mimi: But there are 7 of us.
SF: Ciao!
EAST SIDE
*Buzzing noise*
Martin: What is that thing?
TK: It’s my Tokomon! Hi, Tokomon!
SF: *drops down* This is an official notice telling you-
TK: *runs up and grabs him* Tokomon, I love you!
SF: *kicks and scratches* Do we have to go through this every time? Let go! Git! (PT drops down on a second rope-and-harness and goes after TK until he lets go; both Tokos’ ropes are then shortened to put them out of TK’s reach)
SF: As I was saying: This is an official notice to inform you that you, SmartOnesWhoWinAll, have lost. Please report to the beach immediately to vote off one of your members while we watch and laugh. *flies off*
Ken: Yolei! This is all your fault!
Yolei: I didn’t see YOU looking for the flag – or building the fort. You didn’t do anything but spy on the other team, and you could have at least sabotaged them.
LATER – NORTH SIDE BEACH
Nat: Okay, you all know how this works. Each of you go up there *points to table several yards up the beach* one at a time, and write on a piece of paper who you want to vote off. Then we’ll count up the votes and the loser moves on to Camp Snowflake.
Cody: If my grandfather were here he would point out that voting people off of a team causes team divisions and ruins teamwork.
Ken: Oh, shut up, Cody.
(15 minutes later, all 7 kids have voted)
IL: And the votes are in. *reads card* “Ken.”
Ken: What??
Cody: Sh.
IL: Yolei.
Ken: Hah!
Cody: Shh.
IL: Ken.
Ken: This is an outrage!
Cody: SHH!
IL: Yolei. That’s 2 for Ken, 2 for Yolei.
Yolei: What did I do?
Ken: You let the other team win! And you were supposed to find the flag and you never did.
Yolei: Oh yeah? Well did you happen to notice if the other team found our flag when you were spying on them?
Ken: Um no.
Yolei: So you didn’t do ANYTHING. You can’t even spy well.
Ken: This is outrageous! Even if you don’t get voted out, you’re off my team.
Yolei: Not if they vote you out first.
Ken: I’ll show you. *tackles Yolei and smears mud on her face*
Yolei: I can’t see!
Ken: Duh.
SF: Fighting won’t change the outcome of the votes. (Ken and Yolei return to their seats)
IL: *continues reading* Ken.
Ken: No! If I get anymore I’ll be voted off!
Cody: You better hope Yolei gets the last two votes.
IL: Yolei.
Ken: Woo!
Yolei: You’re not out of the woods yet.
IL: And the last vote goes to…Yolei.
(Ken leaps up and starts dancing around in circles)
Nat: Snowflake, what consolation prize do we have for Yolei?
*WARNING BAD WORDS AHEAD*
Yolei: That’s okay, I don’t need anything.
SF: You’ve won a free stay at Camp Snowflake!
Yolei: Fuck.
Nat: Oops, looks like the bleeping out button doesn’t work on this island – we must be too far out of range.
Yolei: So I can swear as much as I want? @$&!()*&4$!
Nat: (innocently) Oh look – it’s working again.
Yolei: Shit. No! I wanted to say (*&$!
Nat: Hm. Isn’t that odd?
*OK, YOU CAN LOOK AGAIN*
SF: Well, Yolei, it’s time to go.
Yolei: I don’t wanna goooo… (SF drags her off; as they disappear into the bushes the other team emerges from the foliage)
Davis: We found a note with the sleeping bags that said to come here.
IL: Yes, we’re going to explain the next challenge.
All: *collective grumble*
IL: The next challenge is: make a bonfire.
Matt: *raises hand* Can we burn anyone?
IL: No.
Matt: Damn…can I have my lighter back? You know, the one you confiscated?
IL: Sure. *hands it to him*
Matt: Yippee! I mean…that’s cool, thanks.
Izzy: Can I have my laptop and my pocket laser and my high-speed, multi-function calculator and my palm pilot back?
IL: *pause* No.
Izzy: What?? No fair, you gave Matt his lighter back!
IL: It’s out of lighter fluid.
Matt: Hey! *clicks his lighter several times* No fair! *hurls it back to Interview Lady in disgust*
TK: Guys? I’m sort of itchy. And my skin is turning red.
Kari: I told you that was poison ivy.
Joe: Too bad I don’t have my survival kit. I had chamomile lotion in it.
TK: Could Madam Pomfrey fix it?
Nat: Maybe, if she were here.
Martin: Who is Madam Pomfrey? Surely you don’t mean from Harry Potter??
Nat: Is there any other?
Martin: But…but that’s just a story! Harry Potter isn’t real!
Nat: Yeah. That’s what you said about the Pikachus, too, wasn’t it?
IL: Well, you better be off teams – I mean tribes. The bonfire challenge is a race…and it looks like it may rain soon. (Overhead, the sky is clouded over and looks ominous)
Ken: Crud. OK, let’s go.
Sora: We need WOOD!
Mimi: Not again... (The tribes head off in opposite directions) Chapter 7