“Silly… I’ll never leave you.”

The words echoed like a siren song, haunting and bewitching as they ricocheted throughout Kevin’s mind.

I’ll never leave you…

He sighed audibly. He didn’t need to question what she had meant by that statement, for he already knew. He knew because he had said the same reassuring words to her when he had left for the spring leg of the Into the Millennium tour. He furrowed his brow as he remembered Kristin being a little more tense and possessive than normal that morning. She hadn’t been comfortable with him leaving, which was unusual. She was always sad when he left, naturally, but never whined or complained to that level before. It hadn’t made sense then, but now, after the accident…

She would have called it “woman’s intuition”—something Kevin never could understand. He generally thought it was just a woman’s way of trying to look more “mysterious” than men. The thought of any person, male or female, being able to “feel out the future” seemed utterly ridiculous to him. But, it was a strange coincidence that only a few short weeks after he had left for the tour his entire life had been thrown off balance. And then she had said the words: the same words.

I’ll never leave you…

Kevin sighed again and rubbed his face heavily. His arms ached as he set them back at his side, but he was only aware of the sweet ringing sound of Kristin’s voice in his head. He knew that what she had said was true—she would never leave him. She had been such a huge part of his life; the thought of forgetting her was absolutely preposterous. He would always carry a piece of her with him until the day he died. But, deep down inside, she had already left him. She had left him cold and alone when he had found out about her marriage. She had left him empty and desolate when he had found out what her husband did to her and that she would rather suffer with him then run away and hide. She had left and taken a piece of his heart—a piece Kevin knew he would never feel again.

Kevin’s head hurt, filled with emotion and despair. He knew that she had meant it when she said she would not be visiting him again—at least in person. While Kevin had a pretty good idea he would be dreaming of her and thinking about her often, it would never replace the feel of her weight next to him; the warmth of her body near him; the smell of her hair and skin. The memories would never staunch the flow of emotion from flooding over his resolve, weakening his heart. He would always love her; She had been under his skin for far too long not to. He only prayed that he’d be able to make it now without her.

He thought about their last encounter, running the events over again in his mind, letting himself drift into a sweet state of nothingness as he lost himself to her memory. He thought then and there that Kristin was the most courageous woman he had ever known, which was saying a lot for him. His own mother had been through such devastations in her life, including watching her beloved husband, Kevin’s own father, slip away from this life for good, that she had been the previous holder of that title. But the way Kristin could stand valiantly enduring such trials as she did with so much grace, so much dignity, and so much faith, he could not even fathom it without feeling a chill race up his spine and a dull ache grip at his stomach. Such a woman just did not exist to him before now.

Suddenly a stray comment made its way to the forefront of his mind and he welcomed it, letting the words play again in his ears.

“Most gladly will I rather boast as respects my weaknesses… I take pleasure in weakness, in insults, in persecutions and difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am powerful.”

Kevin felt his breath still at the memory, the words the only moving, existing things in the room now. Unconsciously he found himself searching out the small cloud of frosted air he could generally see escaping his lips on a night like this, testing his own existence. When he was satisfied he was in fact still here, he took in a deep breath and let the words settle over him yet again. The last sentence cried out louder than the rest, begging to be heard and recognized.

…For when I am weak, then I am powerful…

God, did those words ever ring true. Weakened though she was by years of abuse and lack of care, she had an immortal strength, surpassing far beyond her years. She was powerful beyond her fragile knowledge; she wasn’t afraid, and that made her beautiful, in and out. Kevin knew that Kristin wasn’t stupid; her seeming ignorance towards her husband wasn’t foolishness on her part. She had made a promise to the man long ago and as long as she felt that he posed no mortal danger she would not leave him. Besides, where would she go? How would she sustain herself if she left? She simply had faith that something would come and take her away from the madness of her life. Something would protect her. She wouldn’t tempt fate, she simply would fulfill her obligations as a wife and hold out on the prospect that someday everything would turn out all right.

And Kevin, insanely, found himself holding onto that same faith and belief as well.

The sound of his room’s door being slowly cracked open jarred him roughly out of his thoughts as a tiny sliver of golden light began to spread over the thick blanket of darkness enveloping his still figure. It spread an almost liquid path down his bed, running itself across his open, alert eyes and stopping at the bridge of his nose. He squinted in the bright light, silently waiting for the visitor to make his or herself known.

His green eyes shone like brightly polished emeralds in the unyielding light.

“Kevin?” came the timid call, striking and clear in the heavy silence of early morning. Kevin held his breath for a moment, rolling the feminine voice over again in his mind, wondering if he had been wrong—wondering if Kristin had come back for him.

The door widened, revealing a feminine silhouette set against the bright, self-absorbed hallways that overshadowed her presence with their demand for attention. His heart began to pound at his throat and he quickly swallowed it down, eyes wide and expectant. The figure extended a slender arm and suddenly the room was consumed in light. Kevin blinked hard at the sudden change, seeing waves of color ripple across the inside of his eyelids, and cautiously cracked his green eyes back open again. He was startled, but not disappointed, to see Kerrie standing there instead of his former fiancée.

She stood and stared at him for a moment, her gaze gentle and undemanding. Quietly she turned and shut the door behind her before carefully making her way to Kevin. Kevin’s eyes never left her as he watched her slowly make her way to him, silently feeling the need to memorize every move she made. The chair Kristin had occupied only moments before was still out and stationed at his right and Kerrie eased her way towards it.

Once she was seated she reached for his hand on impulse and gripped it in her smaller palm, covering the two with her other hand. The two occupants never broke the intense gaze they were sharing until Kerrie finally spoke up. She suddenly exhibited an almost childlike shyness as she avoided direct eye contact with him, a slight flush entering her cheeks. Kevin still watched, logging everything away into his memory.

“How are you feeling, Kevin?” Kerrie asked gently, the sound of her voice very soothing to his tired body. He hadn’t received much sleep the previous night, and he felt it.

“Alright,” he groaned hoarsely, gingerly clearing his throat to free his voice. “I am tired. But I’m feeling good. Better than before, actually,” he admitted, flashing a small smile Kerrie’s way.

By this point in time Kerrie had worked up some of her confidence again, and she returned the smile amiably. “How was your visit?” she asked, lowering eyes to his hands as she began to trace light patterns on his soft skin with her fingertips. He had pianists’ hands—long fingers, strong, yet soft; free from calluses caused by guitar strings or drumsticks. Perfect hands. She had always loved them.

Kevin watched her for a moment, wondering if she knew just what she was doing to him. Her feather-light touch was intoxicating, and all he could think about was feeling more… He shook himself away from the thoughts, briefly scolding himself before repeating the question in his mind. “Good,” he said finally. “Short—too short. But good.” His words gradually became softer as he became more and more transfixed with watching her face and how she reacted to him.

Kerrie tried to settle her heart; it was beating so fast you would think she had just run the Boston Marathon in record time. She tried to reason it away, but just being in Kevin’s presence stole all reason from her. She was running on emotion now, she knew. It was all just part of the game she had set up around herself since seeing Kristin for the first time earlier this morning. She swallowed the feelings of jealousy that longed to resurface for Kevin’s sake if nothing else.

“That’s good,” she answered finally, forcing a small smile as she lifted her chin to see his face yet again. She was surprised to find his deep green eyes trained on her, a look of intense concentration on his face. She blushed yet again.

Kevin smirked. He wondered if she knew how adorable she was when she did that. The pink in her cheeks only seemed to brighten her eyes, causing the deep blue color to sparkle like the sun at the ocean’s core just before it fades into the horizon. Those deep blue eyes had been one of the first things he had seen when he had awoken after a decade of sleep, and now he felt a strange empowerment at the sense of being able to read them. “What’s bothering you?” he whispered softly, imploring her to answer him.

Kerrie froze for a moment, startled at his question. “Nothing,” she answered a little too quickly. “It’s just been a long… and strange night,” she said finally, giving Kevin a tired yet unconvincing smile.

“Strange why?” Kevin asked. “Because you never expected to see my former fiancée again?”

Kerrie’s mouth hung slowly at his directness. She blinked a few times, her jaw moving up and down as if she were testing to make sure it was still safely attached. “I uh…” she stuttered quietly, trying her hardest to figure out a good response. Finally she gave up. “Yes, well, partly because of that I suppose,” she admitted quietly. A silent blush crept across her cheeks yet again and she cleared her throat gingerly. “She left a message for you Kevin,” she added, remembering suddenly.

Kevin arched a dark, shaggy eyebrow, surprise etched all over his face. “Really?” he asked hopefully. He had not been expecting that—Kristin had never been one for long goodbyes. When they would part for tours or shoots or anything else that would keep them apart for a long while, she would always lay all her feelings down on the table then and there. Kevin could hardly expect to receive a phone call or letter afterwards for weeks at a time. He supposed it was easier for Kristin. She had never been comfortable with letting go of something, and not being reminded of it helped her from missing it.

Kerrie grabbed the scrap of paper from her pocket and unfolded it carefully. “Yeah… she said you’d understand what she meant, though frankly I have no clue.” She laughed nervously and then read off the four melancholy lines she held in her hands.

Kevin’s chest tightened considerably at hearing the almost forgotten words being poured back from his memory. It was a piece of his and Kristin’s song; not their ‘official’ song that they had planned to dance to at their wedding, but one that they both loved by an artist they both respected. It had become their ‘secret song’—Kevin could remember holding her close to his chest as they danced barefoot in his living room, the gentle strands of the music straining delicately through the room as they swayed together. A lump formed in his throat at the memory and as he closed his eyes he welcomed the sound of the song ringing in his ears.

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rollin' sea
Down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
But you ain't seen nothing like me yet

Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
I could make you happy,
make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love…

Kevin swallowed conspicuously as the words rang clear in his mind. Yes, he understood completely just what she had meant.

“Kevin?” Kerrie’s sweet voice flooded back to him and he snapped back to the present. He blinked a few times to remove the glow from his eyes and focused on Kerrie. She was looking at him with worry creasing her brow, not comfortable with the way he had suddenly blanked out on her. Kevin suddenly found himself thinking about what Kristin had said earlier that morning about him and Kerrie. He looked her over carefully, thinking the conversation over in detail: he and Kerrie? Oh, he didn’t know anymore. The thoughts of Kristin were still fresh in his mind, and he knew he was not ready to let go of them. No, he would not encourage any kind of relationship with another woman right now. But, at the same time, he would not prevent one either.

“I’m sorry,” Kevin breathed, licking his dry lips as he returned his focus to Kerrie. “I was just thinking about something I had almost forgotten.”

Kerrie didn’t ask further questions about it because she could already see that he wasn’t willing to part with any information. She accepted this and switched to a new subject. “Well, it’s getting close to 8:00, and today promises to be a busy day for you. Jacob will be here at noon again for your therapy, so if you want to get that haircut we were talking about before we had better do that soon. My shift ends in another 15 minutes, but I don’t mind sticking around a little longer,” she said with a smile.

Kevin returned the smile and nodded. “That would be great, as long as you don’t mind.”

“Pffff,” Kerrie brushed it aside, waving her hand to and fro. “Of course not. I’ll go get everything ready, then.”

__________________

Kerrie returned a few minutes later with a cart similar to the one that she had used a few days ago to bathe Kevin. She did so now with little less discomfort than the first time. This time, however, they at least attempted small talk and joked with each other, which was a great improvement from the heavy silence that had swallowed them up the first time.

When she was ready and Kevin was outfitted in a clean gown, she helped sit him up against some pillows she had arranged for support. Kevin wobbled unsteadily but stayed seated precariously at the edge of the bed. Kerrie stepped back and examined him for a moment before she made any other move to either the cart or to Kevin. His hair was still wet, and it lay combed away from his face. Kerrie watched as a drop of water drizzled its way from his sideburns down his chiseled jaw line before dropping onto his shoulder.

She exhaled a great breath slowly, not realizing until now that she had been holding it in. She blinked a few times to clear her mind and moved finally, picking up a pair of scissors and a comb. She stepped back to Kevin’s side, combing her way experimentally through the thick black bed of his hair. She leaned towards his ear and spoke for the first time in hours, or so it seemed to her. “You like it cut short, the way it was styled before, right?”

Kevin swallowed noticeably, clearing his mind. Her hands in his hair and her breath at his ear were exhilarating; he found that the hairs at the back of his neck were standing on end. “Yes,” he answered huskily, clearing his throat and closing his eyes.

Kerrie nodded, but didn’t say another word. She parted his hair expertly, knowing just the way it was to be done. It took her about 20 minutes total to get his hair right, but when it was done it was perfect. Kevin was sure he had never enjoyed getting his hair cut more in his entire life. Her hands were forever snaking their way through his hair, which had always been a major turn on for him, and her body was constantly moving over his to reach where she needed to be. He had never been so in tune with his senses of touch or smell before, and he reveled every moment and every sense.

With one last swipe she set the comb down and lifted a mirror. “Done,” she exclaimed proudly. She held the mirror lightly before Kevin’s face. “And the verdict is?”

“Good,” Kevin nodded with an impressed noise. “Very good. I like it.”

Kerrie smiled, “Good.” She set the mirror down and wiped her hands on a towel. “Now, I’m sure you’re about ready for a shave. Do you trust me?” She arched her eyebrows devilishly, a playful look in her deep blue eyes.

Kevin chuckled. “You’ve done this before, right?”

“Yep.”

“Then I trust you.”

“O-kay,” Kerrie drawled teasingly. She set a clean towel about his neck and lathered up her hands with shaving cream. “Clean shave, goatee, mustache, or other?” she asked, her hands pausing just before making contact with his skin.

Kevin smiled. “Goatee,” he answered confidently. Kerrie’s hands pressed smoothly over his skin, smearing his face in the heavy white cream. Kevin sighed as she moved with care, avoiding his mouth and nose and tenderly moving across his cheeks. She wiped her hands off on a towel she had laying across her shoulder and picked up a razor and a small bowl of warm water.

“Can you hold this?” she asked as she held out the small bowl. Kevin reached unsteady hands out to take the bowl, but they stopped midway and he stared with great interest as they shook and wobbled before him. He turned them slowly so that the palms were upturned and facing him. His eyes darted down to his elbows for a moment as he watched the arms that jutted forth like sharp pieces of timber shake and tremble, making his shoulders sag heavily. He looked again at his palms and was intrigued by the tips of his fingers; they seemed to shake more violently than the rest of him and stood weakly, pale and white like snow on the peaks of tall mountains, towards him. The veins snaking down his wrists were an obtrusive blue.

Kevin glanced up for a moment to spy Kerrie doing the same thing he was. She seemed almost intrigued by the chaotic shaking of his hands, but she appeared to feel his eyes on her and instantly snapped her attention back on him. She smiled warmly. “That’s okay; never mind. I’ll just set it down beside you,” she said in a gentle, flowing voice. Kevin felt the tension in his shoulders ease somewhat at the comfort her voice carried.

She cradled the bowl in a dip in the mattress, making sure it would stay secure. She moved back to face Kevin and tipped his chin back with her fingers. “I’ll try not to bite… hard,” she teased, and Kevin laughed merrily, grateful for the distraction she offered.

Kerrie was gentle and easy with him, pausing every so often to rinse the head of the razor in the warm water. She quickly discovered that she had to limit how she moved Kevin’s face, because once she strained those muscles in his neck even a little, he would emit a sharp breath of shocked discomfort. She instead manipulated her body to get her where she needed to be.

Kevin watched her with deepest interest. Her face frowned in a concentrated grimace and Kevin fought the urge to smile—even then she looked beautiful. He jumped imperceptibly, the course of his own thoughts alarming him; what was he thinking? His eyes traveled over Kerrie’s face intently as he tried to make sense of what his head and his heart were trying to battle out.

Kerrie lifted her elbow, arcing her arm in her effort to reach a tough spot on his left cheek, but she was unable to reach it. She sighed and moved her body over to where she had a little more access to where she needed to be, but she found that she was still teetering precariously on the balls of her feet. Kevin noticed this and instinctively raised one of his hands to help balance her out. It came to rest protectively at her hip as he supported her weight. Kerrie gulped nervously, fully aware of the heavy security he offered her, and returned, distractedly, to the task at hand.

Kevin felt the heat of her body seeping through the skin of his arm where it rested across her abdomen. It comforted him in a way he couldn’t really explain. He closed his eyes and inhaled the scent of Kerrie; she was so near to him that he could practically feel her nose at his ear as her hot breath streamed out across his moist face, causing a chill to race up the length of his spine. He relished the light, gentle way she touched his face, directing him where she needed him to be.

Kerrie finished scraping the last of his stubble away and practically jumped away from him, letting his hand slide down her hips until it came to rest finally by his side again. She coughed to rid the blush from her face, and turned towards the cart that stood just behind her. “There, that should do for now,” she croaked, wiping off her hands one more time. She took a warm towel and gently wiped away the remnants of shaving cream from Kevin’s dampened face. He sighed as the soft soothing material passed over his skin, relaxing him deeply.

Kerrie purposely avoided the stare of his solid green eyes, but he didn’t seem to notice. She checked to make sure she had gotten the last of shaving foam from his cleaned face, and wiped a few leftovers away with her fingers. Kevin inhaled sharply.

“Your hands are cold!” he scolded.

Kerrie looked indignant. “They are not!” she replied sharply, fighting the urge to smile.

“Well they are to me!” Kevin threw back. “Especially after having that hot towel on my face.”

Kerrie finally chuckled as she shook her head in mock disappointment. “Men!” she scoffed, rolling her eyes. Kevin chuckled as well, pushing her playfully in the shoulder. Kerrie simply rocked on her heals before setting herself aright again. She marveled at how weak Kevin was.

“Okay, wise guy,” she teased, easing her thoughts back to her handiwork. “How do you like it?” She held up the same mirror again so Kevin could see himself as the finished product.

Kevin looked at the mirror, a funny sensation gnawing at his stomach. He looked—like Kevin. He looked like ‘Kevin Backstreet’. He slowly rotated his head as best he could to get the general scope of his face; first one side, then the other. It looked as though not a day had passed since the last time he had sung in front of an audience. He looked ageless, flawless… like a 28-year-old. But he wasn’t. He was 38. He was 38, jobless, helpless, and alone. He felt his heart sink.

“It’s… great, Kerrie. It’s practically perfect,” he said listlessly, his enthusiasm halfhearted at best.

Kerrie felt her grip on the mirror falter. She furrowed her brow in confusion, the emptiness in Kevin’s voice snagging her attention. To the untrained eye he looked fine, but there was a deadened look in his emerald green eyes. They had no sparkle or shine to them; they looked broken and dirty, like neglected stones of value. “What is it? Did I do something wrong?” Kerrie asked, unable to hide the anxiety from her voice.

“No, no!” Kevin answered quickly, his eyes widening slightly in shock. He didn’t mean to distress her. “It’s not that at all. You did an amazing job, really. Thank you.” He paused, letting his eyes fall from her worried face. He concentrated hard at a spot beside his bedside table, and at length he spoke. “It’s just… I’m not sure how to explain this… I feel the same as I always have; I look the same as I always have… but things are just so… different.”

Kerrie gently set the mirror back down and stepped towards Kevin. She hugged her arms around herself, suddenly feeling a cold draft wrap around her. “Want to talk about it?” she asked tenderly, sitting down beside him on the narrow hospital bed.

Kevin took in a deep breath. “Sure you got the time?” he asked.

Kerrie smiled, laying a comforting hand on his thigh. “I’ll make time.”

__________________

Kevin explained his thoughts and feelings to Kerrie as best as he could, managing to lay most of his insecurities on the line. Being in this position was so new to him; he was used to being the ‘big brother’ that helped with everybody else’s problems. To be on this side of the conversation was a little unnerving.

Kerrie was sympathetic and reassuring, basically telling him it was normal to feel the way he was. Kevin had always been an anxious, emotional, sensitive person, but he had hoped that he would be able to assert himself a little better in this position. That one look in the mirror, though, had brought the cruel reality of where he was and how he got here back to him, and it had slammed him in the face pretty good. All those lost years; all those lost memories. He hated hospitals.

As soon as Kerrie was convinced that he’d be okay without her she had gathered her things together and prepared to clock out for the day. She had come in, in her snug jeans, gray sweater and black jacket, laid a kiss on Kevin’s forehead, and gave him one last reminder of his schedule for the day. When she left Kevin replayed the touch of her lips at his forehead and let the perfume that hugged her clothing wrap itself around him.

He fell into a fitful sleep before being awakened at noon for his therapy.
 
 

**Song Used: “To Make You Feel My Love” by Bob Dylan (Garth Brooks)**
 
 

Chapter 29

Index