“Whoa, take it easy!” Jake chided good-naturedly as his arms bolted out to keep Kevin steady. “Don’t push yourself too hard. Your mind may be set on one thing while your body is set on something entirely different. Listen to your body first; this is something you can’t reason or force your way through.”
Kevin sighed in agitation, running a shaky hand through his sweat-dampened hair. Jake had shown up right on time for Kevin’s next appointment. This was going to be Kevin’s second session since he woke up, and this time Jake intended to get him moving. The first session had only been easy stretches and a few questions. Now, as Kevin soon learned, Jacob was ready to get down to business.
Jake was trying to get him through an exercise he had not been able to get the hang of, and it was frustrating him to no end. He checked the clock on the wall: fifteen minutes. He just needed to hang on for another fifteen minutes, and then this nightmare would be over.
Jacob had brought some equipment with him this time, which had surprised Kevin a little. For some reason he had just expected to do some simple stretches and muscle routines, and then be good to go. He wasn’t prepared for so much work.
The first thing Jake had made him do was limber up the muscles in his arms, back and shoulders, then stretch the muscles in his legs. He had finally set him up with the first piece of equipment, which got his legs moving. It looked like the pedals off of a bicycle, but a little more complex. Kevin hadn’t been able to move his legs all that much at first, but he had finally gotten the hang of it. Jake had laid out a simple exercise for him to complete, but it had seemed complicated to Kevin and he was rapidly becoming frustrated.
“Let’s take a break,” the other man smiled, catching on to his agitation. Kevin nodded gratefully and accepted the bottle of water Jake offered to him. He took a great swig, letting the liquid cool his mouth as he struggled to keep a hold on the bottle dripping with crystal-like beads of sweat. He was exhausted.
Kevin wiped the sweat from his upper lip and looked up into Jacob’s concentrated face. He was frowning. It was a deep frown, as though he was considering weighty thoughts, and his eyes were concentrated on Kevin: his stomach flipped at that realization.
He must have made some kind of noise or movement, because Jacob then looked to him, a quick smile transforming his previously somber face. “You’re doing great, Kevin. If you’re lucky, we might even finish with our sessions a week or so in advance.” He smiled broadly, but it was only somewhat sincere.
“Is there something wrong?” Kevin asked, swallowing his growing anxiety. He had been sharpened by years of seeing through phony disguises and faked feelings and knew how to get to the root of the problem. Jake was patronizing him, and he’d be damned if he let him get away with it. It was his body, after all.
“No, nothing’s wrong at all. Honestly, Kevin, you are doing great,” Jacob assured, curving his brow in determined reassurance.
Kevin stared at him. He had no reason not to believe the man aside from that small bead of worry clouding his sea-green eyes. That was enough. “I think I have a right to know what’s going on with my own body, don’t you?” He was asserting himself as best he could in his weakened position.
Jacob smiled, a bittersweet grin that betrayed the anxious, worry-ridden man beneath the informal surface. “Well-said, Kevin.” His movements and steps were calculated and heavy; “Hold your arms out to the side,” he commanded softly.
Kevin did as he was told. He lifted heavy arms sodden with sweat out to his sides, balling his hands into tight fists as the weight caused his body to tremble. Jacob laid his hands across Kevin’s shoulders, sliding them slowly to his wrists as though he were measuring his arm span. At length he spoke; “Good. Now keep them outstretched, but move them inwards so that your fists face me.” He demonstrated what he intended for Kevin to do, and mightily Kevin obeyed. Jacob repeated his previous actions, and then gripped Kevin’s wrists in his hands.
“Relax your arms… Just let me take control,” he said.
Much to his relief Kevin let his shoulders sag. His muscles burned, warm in his flesh, and small jolts of electricity raced down the length of his arms. It wasn’t right that something so insignificant had such an incredible effect on him.
Jacob weighed Kevin’s arms, twisting them to action with his skilled movements. He examined each hand carefully, kneading and feeling them for different veins, muscles or bones. His face remained a concentrated grimace the entire time.
Finally he let one arm rest at Kevin’s side, and with his now free hand began rummaging around in his pockets. “Tell me if you can feel this, Kevin,” he asked, applying some pressure to the palm of the hand that was still in his grasp.
Kevin swallowed conspicuously. “No.”
Jacob nodded, his expression not leaning one way or the other to whether this was a good thing or a bad. “How about this?” he asked, and moved to a different part of Kevin’s hand. Kevin simply shook his head, unable to speak.
Jacob finally came up victorious from his earlier rummaging, holding a thin metal pick in his hand. He held the sharp end in his palm, using the blunted side by swiftly running it down the center of Kevin’s palm. Kevin’s fingers moved slightly in reflex.
“Okay,” Jacob said, taking in a deep breath as he replaced the pick in his pocket and once again relinquished control of Kevin’s arms to Kevin.
“Is there anything wrong?” Kevin queried anxiously, unable to control his worry.
Jacob smiled. “Nope. Everything seems fine. I’m just gonna want to talk to your head nurse and see about running a few tests to make sure everything is working properly. It’s possible you may have a pinched nerve or something in your forearm here,” he motioned to Kevin’s arm, “so I want to be sure to get anything like that taken care of before we continue on much farther.”
Kevin nodded, letting a quiet sigh of relief go. “Kerrie’s the one you’ll want to talk to,” he said, finding his nerve again. “She’s the nurse overlooking my case. I’m sure she could offer you the most help.”
Jake smiled again. “Thanks, Kev. I’ll be sure to talk to her as soon as I can.”
__________________
The rest of the session went off without incident. Kevin’s legs ached like nobody’s business, but it was a gratifying ache; they had managed to get quite a lot done. Right now, however, it felt as if the life were seeping from his flesh in great hot pools. At least it was better than the dull numbness that usually besieged his tired limbs, though, he thought.
Kevin had decided that he enjoyed Jacob’s company. He found the man comforting to be around, and almost immediately endearing. He was easygoing and full of character, and reminded Kevin a lot of Brian.
Brian.
He needed to talk to his cousin. He needed to talk to him badly. It had only been yesterday since he had last seen him, but it felt like an eternity ago. So much had happened since then, and so many angry words had been spoken. Kevin sighed, regretting everything he had said to his usually tolerant, good-natured cousin. If only he knew… If only he could make him understand…
Kevin sighed again when he realized that it wasn’t that he couldn’t make him understand, but rather that he wouldn’t. And that’s what had driven them to such desperate acts in the first place.
But how could he explain something that he wasn’t even sure he understood?
It had only been a little more than two weeks since he had awoken. It seemed unfair and impossible to him that it had been such a short amount of time ago. Everything had collapsed in on him at once, and he hadn’t even had time to breathe. What was he going to do? He was stuck in a position he didn’t ever want to find himself in, with an unchangeable past that haunted his every moment and people he loved but couldn’t be with.
Kristin. Brian. Kerrie. Everyone. Everything had changed in his absence, and everyone was now so untouchable for him.
What was he going to do if he didn’t make it out of here? What if something happens to him? The thought terrified him to no end. He didn’t know what he would do.
How could he tell Brian this?
He couldn’t. Bottom-line. He hated the fact that his cousin was hurt and felt betrayed by his silence, but he wasn’t going to change that. It was for Brian’s own good. By keeping to himself he was protecting Brian… from everything. Brian had been through so much; he didn’t need Kevin’s heavy thoughts weighing him down even further. And that was that.
Case closed.
__________________
“Keh-vahn!” The name was drawled slowly with a purposeful slur. Kevin smiled and rasped back as best as he could:
“Ahay-Jahay!”
It was something of a ritual for them both—one he was surprised that AJ actually remembered. The last three months of Kevin’s memory were tinted with age for AJ, but he had still remembered. Kevin smiled; God bless him.
AJ chuckled lowly; carrying a sinister beat as he flopped over to Kevin’s bedside and smiled widely at the man. “If I were to say to you, ‘I am a stranger traveling from the East, seeking that which was lost…’”
Kevin chuckled in return and threw a playful stare up at his friend. “Then I would reply that I am a stranger traveling from the West, it is I whom you seek,” Kevin completed, and AJ’s grin widened.
“Oh please,” a new voice added. “You two have been separated for ten years and now that you’re reunited you pick up right back at where you left off!” he scoffed. “Absolute incoherent nonsense!” The two men laughed merrily at the short man with long hair. “Howie, I have three words for you,” AJ said slowly, counting the words off with his fingers, “Breakfast. Burrito. Man.”
Kevin threw his head back and guffawed loudly as Howie’s face brightened slightly. He chuckled, rocking back and forth on his heels; “That was a long time ago, Jay.”
“Not too long ago. I remember a certain interview in November of last year where that very title was brought up.”
“Only because you were the one who mentioned it!”
“A technicality, my dear Watson.”
Kevin wiped tears of laughter from his eyes, smiling grandly. “You two never changed, did you?” he asked.
“Nope.”
“Not really,” they replied at the same time. The two long-time best friends looked at each other and chuckled.
“We missed you though, Kevin,” Howie said softly, a sad smile curving his handsome features. AJ was quick to agree. “It hasn’t been the same without your ‘input’ egging us on.” He stood and demonstrated with wide gestures his best Kevin impression.
“This is childish, that is childish, stop picking your noses, I can pound you, you know…”
“Since when do I have a French accent, Aje?” Kevin asked with a broad smile when he had finished. The other man shrugged.
“I thought it added character.”
“Indeed. But which character we’re not quite clear on.”
“As always,” Howie grinned. “This is AJ we’re talking about, after all.”
AJ threw his head back and cackled wildly. “Love!” he yelled, “I feel the love!”
Kevin smiled slowly. “Well, if it’s any consolation at all, I missed not being here for all this,” he raised his hand weakly and gestured as well as he could. “I would have very much enjoyed being here to see all of you progress from my little brothers into grown men.”
There was a still among them in which the three men were afraid to make another move or comment. They simply stood, sat, or lay where they were, a bittersweet smile complimenting their faces. Finally, Kevin took the leap they were all afraid to make, and with a great breath asked the question, “So, where’s Nick? And that confounded cousin of mine?” His words were jovial, but there was a sadness tingeing his voice at the mention of his cousin.
Howie seemed to snap back to the present, awoken from memories long past, and glanced at his watch. “Nicky was going to meet us here. He had to run a few errands for Susan, but he didn’t think they would keep him long. And as for Brian,” Howie paused. “I’m not quite sure. I haven’t spoken to him since yesterday, when he called to inform us of your… um… ‘condition.’” Again an uncomfortable silence prevailed.
“How are you doing, Kev?” AJ asked, throwing his friend a concerned glance. “It didn’t sound like you were doing too good when Brian called, and then later that night on the news…”
“I’m fine, AJ,” Kevin replied; his voice was detached. All he could think about was that horrible fight with Brian. He barely remembered anything of his episode, which irritated him somewhat. He wanted to remember what had happened, but the images just wouldn’t come. All he could see was Brian. First the worry, then the anger, finally the hurt and grief on his face; Over and over again these images replayed in his mind.
“You sure?” AJ added.
Kevin slowly raised his eyes up to his friend’s deep brown gaze. Distractedly he noticed that it was ‘sunglasses free’. “Yeah, Aje. I’m sure.” As long as I get this thing with Brian worked out, he added in his thoughts.
The younger man accepted this (or was he older now?), and the conversation once again faltered. It was several minutes before the silence was broken again.
“Okay, who died? Because the air is thicker in here than in my Aunt Olga’s kitchen after burning a batch of her famous lentil stew. But that’s another story all together.”
Everyone looked up in surprise at the new voice. “Hey, Nicky… when did you get here?” AJ called gleefully, happy for the new distraction. “Just a few minutes ago,” the tall blonde grinned, leaning against the doorframe. “Um… is everything alright? Everyone looks so glum.” He paused, and sudden worry widened his bright blue eyes. “There’s nothing wrong, is there?”
“No, no. Everything’s okay,” Howie smiled. “I think we all just wandered off into our own little worlds there for a moment.”
“Oh,” Nick said, looking relieved. “Well, what have I told you about that, Howard? It’s dangerous. You can’t subject yourself to the mad inner workings of your mind for too long—it’ll drive you batty.” He turned his gaze onto AJ and jumped, putting on a masterfully accomplished ‘terrified’ face. “And you! It’s even worse for you! Good God, have you made it back in tact?”
AJ’s eyes narrowed into threatening thin slits. “Oh, I will attack, blonde boy. Just because you’re bigger doesn’t mean I can’t kick your butt. You should know by now—float like a butterfly, sting like a bee! My small frame just makes me that much more difficult to catch.”
Nick snorted, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Right. Angel could kick your scrawny hide.”
“Why you little…”
“Guys, cut it out!” Kevin chuckled. He gasped as a feeling of déjà vu gripped him all of a sudden and the three faces before him in that instant looked ten years younger. “Wow,” he breathed when he had regained some control, “I guess I haven’t done that in a while. Funny… ten years and I don’t miss a beat.” He shrugged the feeling off, smiling at his former band mates who had returned to their current ages.
Nick cocked his head to the side, noticing a strange glint in his friend’s eyes. Before he could make any mention of it though, AJ started chuckling and threw in his two cents.
“It’s the old man in you, Kev. You may look younger than us now, but you’re still as anal as ever,” he grinned. Howie snorted and Nick bit his lip to try and hide his smile.
Kevin narrowed his eyes. “AJ, remember that talk we had after you made a comment on my age during one of the last Into the Millennium shows?”
AJ thought for a minute. “Uh, yep.”
“Remember what I told you after our last costume change?”
AJ’s face paled as he began to remember. “Um… yes…” he slurred carefully.
“What did you tell him?” Nick chimed in eagerly.
“Do you want me to make good on my threat?” Kevin asked.
“Not really, no…” AJ answered as he began fidgeting self-consciously.
“What did you say!”
“Then I’d suggest you lay off the old man comments, kay?” Kevin jeered.
AJ blushed, something foreign to his normally outlandish face, and answered with a reverent “okay.”
Nick sighed dramatically, exasperated by their vagueness. “I’m lost,” he stated simply.
“Big surprise there, blondie,” Howie spat playfully.
Nick narrowed his eyes at him dangerously. “Don’t make me crack out the silly string, man.”
“Empty threat.” Kevin chuckled. He suddenly had an image roll through his mind of Nick chasing Howie around the stage of their 'Into the Millennium' tour with a can of silly string. He smiled as he recalled on one particular night AJ had decided to horn in on their little “party” and veritably “rescue” Howie by chasing Nick off, pointing his super-soaker directly at the screeching blonde man. Kevin had enjoyed watching the entire exchange that night. Nonetheless, he remembered cornering the guys backstage after the show and giving them his fatherly “Will you ever grow up?” speech, to which they unfailingly rolled their eyes. Kevin smiled sadly, looking at the men who had finally decided to take his advice and “grow up.” Nicky wasn’t a baby anymore, and neither were the others. Now Kevin wished he had never asked the simple favor of them, and that he could take it all back, just to have things the way they used to be, if only for a moment. He suddenly regretted ever wishing they would grow up.
The antics of the 4 were halted suddenly when the door flew open and a new member to their party strode in. Everyone stared in astonishment at the man who walked with a quick, purposeful stride, brandishing a rectangular object in his left hand. Kevin paled a few shades; it was Brian.
“Everyone watch out! Hurricane Brian just knocked in the door!” AJ exclaimed, making an attempt at humor.
“Brian, what’s up? Is everything okay?” Nick asked, surprised when his friend brushed past him without so much as a glance, making a determined march for the far corner of the room.
Everyone watched in subdued amazement as he finally came to a stop, turning brusquely. He at long last faced them. “Everything’s fine,” he answered coolly with iced eyes trained on Kevin.
“Then what’s wrong?” Nick persisted. “And what is that you’re carrying?”
Brian held up his left hand and revealed the object to his former band-mates. “This is a little something I brought for Kevin. It’s a video I think he might enjoy viewing.” He stared at his dumbfounded cousin for a few minutes before he turned again and headed for his previous destination. “This is a copy of the wreck of February 2000.”
At the sound of the cold words there was a collective jump in the hearts of the three standing Backstreet Boys, who were blinded by the blood in their eyes. Howie jumped angrily and demanded of Brian, “Why did you bring that here? You can’t possibly be serious! He shouldn’t see that!”
Brian spun angrily and pointed the black, doomful object at Howie. “I am serious! It’s time he knows more about what happened that day and is grateful he’s alive!”
The words stung Kevin as he heard his angry voice echoing in his mind. I wish I had just died!
“Brian…”
“No Kevin,” AJ silenced him protectively. “Brian, I don’t know what’s gotten into your head, but I wont allow this. Not yet. I wont let you show him that!” There were tears in his voice that threatened to spill, and Nick, who had been stunned speechless, reached out to steady him.
Brian softened, but his eyes were still cold. He turned his gaze onto Kevin; “Have you told them, Kevin? Do they know what you said?”
Kevin’s face was firm, but it did not hide his shame. He looked long and hard at his cousin, and then answered with a voice that threatened to die under any strain. “Let him show me.”
The other three turned and stared at him in horror, but did not dare go up against his wishes. They reluctantly, brokenly, consented.
“You had better know what you’re doing, Brian,” Howie sneered.
The blue-eyed cousin turned back to the flat-screen TV that hung on the wall, and took in a deep, steadying breath, asking himself if he really did know what he was doing. He wasn’t ready to take this stroll down memory lane again, but he knew it was something Kevin needed to see.
Determinably he inserted the videocassette into the side of the TV, and punched in the proper buttons.
For that one moment, the air stood still as not a soul dared to breathe.
