Kevin arched a bemused eyebrow, his face draining of color. He felt something like guilt or maybe just fear grip his stomach, wringing it like someone would wring the water out of a wet rag. His mouth was suddenly dry. "Hmm?" It was the only sound his throat was willing to make.
Kristin smiled slowly. Ding, ding, ding! She had hit a nerve. She would know that 'I'm-so-guilty-it's-pathetic-but-I'm-gonna-try-my-best-to-deny-it' look anywhere. "Kerrie. I was just remarking on how pretty she was. You haven't lost your sense of taste, Kevin." She knew what she was doing was wicked, but she kind of enjoyed this game she was playing with him.
Kevin fidgeted nervously, turning rosy in the face. "I think you have the wrong impression," he stammered, fingering the edge of his hospital gown. Kristin watched him for a moment, and then laid a hand on top of his restless one.
“It’s alright, Kev,” she soothed, leaning in to get his attention. Once he raised his eyes back to her, she continued. “You don’t have to defend yourself anymore. Remember—we’re no longer an item.” She smiled sadly at him.
Kevin swallowed the lump in his throat. Yeah, unfortunately, he thought. He would have said as much, but he knew it would only upset her. “I…” he paused, not knowing what to say to her.
“I know,” Kristin said quietly, “I’m sorry too.” There was a moment of silence as the two stared at each other. Kristin finally looked down, drawing in a breath as if to reassure herself. “I… I want to think of you moving on, Kevin. I really do. I want to think of you finding someone new… You deserve it.” She paused, looking distressed for a minute. Again, she took in a steady breath. Kevin stroked a finger across her cheek as she continued. “I’m sorry about… everything. It’s not fair to you or me or anyone else for that matter. It was a horrible thing. But, you’re okay now, you have another chance to experience life,” Kristin paused for a moment, and Kevin saw tears beginning to form in her dark eyes. She looked back up to his eyes with a glassy expression, “And you deserve it.”
Kevin felt the lump he had in his throat earlier grow to be twice as wide, making his throat and eyes sting. He was afraid he’d break down again. “But what if I don’t want to move on?” he asked in a small voice. Kristin looked down again as her jaw began to quiver, and the first of her tears spilled down her cheeks.
“You do. You know you do,” she answered. It was silent for a while, the two occupants of the room trying to gather their wits. At length Kristin spoke, reaffirming her previous comments; “And… I want you to, Kevin.”
Kevin was silent. He couldn’t imagine his life without Kristin in it. That was why he had proposed to her in the first place. He loved her deeply, and even if he wanted to he couldn’t just stop that.
He hated fate. The only world he knew was ten years behind him. He didn’t want to change that… he wanted it all to be the way it was. His life, his job, his friends and family… his lover. He didn’t want any of that to change. It was his. He’d worked hard for it and he wasn’t ready to give it up. He spent his entire life working for what he had achieved, and he didn’t want to think of it all as gone. God, what he wouldn’t give to be climbing on a plane to Sweden right now to meet with those pompous studio execs he’d begun to hate to record the new album. Or to be on that horrid bus it seemed he’d spent half a lifetime on, traveling to the next stop on their US tour. He was suddenly cold when an image of that bus in flames raced through his mind, and he shuddered.
He looked up at Kristin and sighed. Or, what he wouldn’t give to be back in his Florida home with her. Just watching a movie, or cleaning their home, or in separate rooms even, while they worked in their own different affairs; Just to know that she was there; that that life was theirs; that she was his. That’s what he wanted. Not some empty promise of a new life and a new beginning: another chance. He didn’t want a new life… he had been quite content with the one he’d had.
“You wanna hear something funny, Kev?” Kristin said, breaking the spell his thoughts had cast over his consciousness. He looked up at her and was surprised by how pale and haunted her face looked. Her expression was bitter. “Sometimes I find myself wanting to go back to that job at Disney World… you remember that, right?” she asked, giving him a hollow smile. Kevin nodded his head, remembering. “God, I hated that job. You remember, don’t you? I couldn’t wait to get out of there. But I find myself wanting to go back there, and I think it’s just because you were there, Kevin,” she said, looking at him with a pained expression. “And, I think about working on those shoots that sent me thousands of miles away from you—how much I hated that. And I want to go back there—” she laughed bitterly before finishing, “Just because you and I were… Back then it was us. That was ours. Our life. And that’s all that mattered.”
Kevin watched as fresh tears spilled their way down her face with a mixture of shock and amazement. She had just expressed the same feelings he had just experienced. He wondered silently if she had been able to read his thoughts somehow, or if the two of them really were that much alike. “Oh, Kris,” Kevin said gently, raising his hand to her face again, stroking her cheek with the back of his fingers. He brushed her tears away, acknowledging how strange it was that he couldn’t feel their moisture against his skin.
Both her hands suddenly encircled his unsteady hand, gripping it lightly. “No, Kevin… Please don’t…” Kristin whispered, her voice choked with emotion. God, she loved him so much; but his tenderness was too much to bear. She stood suddenly, almost as if she had been startled by something. Kevin’s hand dropped by his side as he stared at her in surprise. She grabbed her things, trying to steady her sobs, and turned towards the door. Kevin felt panic course through his veins, suddenly making him dizzy. He was afraid she was going to run out on him again.
But she didn’t.
She was still for a moment, but then she turned halfway towards him so that only one side of her face was visible—the unmarked half. “This is the last time I’ll visit you Kevin,” Kristin sobbed. She caught her breath before continuing. “I think it will be best if I leave now. I—I live in Carson City, Nevada. Please… if you ever wish to see me, you can find me there. I’m in the book.” And with that, she began towards the door.
“Kris, please!” Kevin begged hoarsely, reaching a hand out towards her as if he intended to grab onto her. There was still so much left unsaid. “Don’t leave me!”
Kristin stopped at the door and turned towards him. Her face curved into a slow smile. “Silly,” she said teasingly, “I’ll never leave you.” The words echoed hauntingly in the room and in Kevin’s mind.
“I love you, Kevin. Goodbye.”
__________________
Kerrie stared at a document in front of her, pretending to read. In reality she had been staring at the same paper for the last 20 minutes, not seeing or noticing it at all. Her thoughts were other places.
She had come back. Kerrie’s head began to spin. She would have never predicted that one. Of course, Kristin was Kevin’s former fiancée and it was her right to come see him if she wished. But by the events left in the wake of her last visit, she wouldn’t think the woman ever wanted to return. But she had.
Kerrie sighed, switching positions for the first time since she’d sat down. She cradled her chin in her hand, propping her elbow on the counter the release form she was pretending to read was on.
What was going on in there right now? What was she saying? What had she wanted? Why had she come back? Kerrie knew better than to make the blonde woman leave, but her presence irked her in a way that wasn’t entirely explainable. She didn’t like the thought of Kristin being alone with Kevin. The last time that had happened Kevin had completely fallen apart. He was still so weak. Physically, emotionally, mentally… What would another epileptic episode do to him? He could easily be catapulted into a severe case of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Kerrie sighed, shutting her eyes as she rubbed her temple. It would destroy him.
She felt something like petty jealousy rise in her throat as she thought of the intimacy shared between Kevin and Kristin. After everything that had happened, the love and devotion Kevin still felt for her was evident in his every expression. Kerrie felt some irritation at the thought of this. Her eyes snapped open and she stopped rubbing at her head. God, had that just been resentment she felt? She sighed and again repositioned herself at the desk she was sitting behind.
What the hell was happening in that head of hers? She grabbed it with both hands as if it hurt. Why shouldn’t he still love her? Kristin had been his intimate lover for 7 years. You don’t forget things like that, even after something like a ten-year coma. Of course he should still love her. At least, that’s what Kerrie’s mind said. Her heart, on the other hand…
Did she love him? She had to stop and think about that one for a second. It was more that Kerrie thought she could love him. She sighed. But could he ever love her back? Or would he forever be caught in the trap of that woman? Kerrie shook her head. She felt such contempt towards a woman that she knew didn’t deserve it; but the heart was treacherous. Yes… she was jealous.
Kerrie lifted her head when she heard a noise coming from down the hallway. She watched the woman approach for a moment, and then averted her attention to the clock on the wall. It was only 7:30am. Was she leaving already? Kerrie felt a bead of panic form in her belly. That couldn’t be a good thing, could it?
__________________
Kristin was walking slowly, her arms hugged around herself, her eyes cast towards the ground. She was deep in thought, reflecting on the last two and a half-hours she’d spent with Kevin. It was so unnerving to think that the man could still have such a strong hold on her in every possible way. Kristin wouldn’t exactly call herself an activist—she liked being taken care of by a man and one day she would have liked to have been a mother and housewife, even—but she did think she was at least of a liberal mind. What Kevin could do to her defied all that.
From the first day Kristin met him he had her heart with his charm and sincere compassion and even now, seventeen years later, nothing had changed. She would do anything he asked her to and would have even given up her career to have the family he always wanted. It was a view not commonly shared among other women.
Maybe the reason this control over her unnerved her so was because he did it in a way that did not cause her to fear him or resent him at all. Instead, it made her devotion and affection for him grow. It was only one of the many things that made Kevin so different from her husband.
Her decision to leave him the way she had had been tough. To some, her actions could be considered cruel and wretched, but she wasn’t trying to hurt him. On the contrary, she was trying to protect him. It was painfully obvious what his feelings for her were, and even more painful was how obvious her feelings for him were. She sighed. Reconciliation was impossible. Her life had been a veritable train wreck—after all that’s happened to Kevin, she couldn’t drag him into that, too. He didn’t deserve that. He just needed to let go; both of them did.
Kristin lifted her eyes from the floor when the area around her expanded from a narrow hallway into a spacious room. She was nearing the main waiting room and nurse’s station, and as her eyes traveled over the place, she noticed the woman nurse behind the counter. She smirked inwardly; Kerrie wasn’t it?
Kerrie watched her approach keenly before turning to the clock briefly. When she turned back, her expression betrayed her worry and confusion. Kristin watched with interest as she neared her.
“Ma’am,” Kerrie said with a cordial nod as Kristin prepared to walk past her. Kristin returned the gesture to the brown haired woman before turning her gaze back to the path in front of her. But something made her stop. She turned back to the nurse, whom she discovered still staring at her, and looked her over for a moment. She had seen the shock and embarrassment on Kerrie’s face when she had walked in on her and Kevin. It had been obvious then to Kristin that the woman shared similar feelings for Kevin as he felt for her. Kristin slowly began to walk up to the counter in front of Kerrie, thinking this over. Perhaps it was time she made sure Kevin could move on.
Kristin stopped in front of Kerrie and leaned over the counter a little, propping her arms up on the smooth top. “It’s Kerrie, isn’t it?” she asked.
Kerrie was visibly surprised that Kristin had approached her, and even more so that she had known her name. She panicked, searching for her voice. “Yes… yes it is,” she squeaked timidly.
Kristin smiled sweetly at the reply. “I remembered you,” she began, “from the first night I stopped by. You had been staring at me from across the room as I got ready to board the elevators—”
“Oh, I’m terribly sorry about that,” Kerrie cut in apologetically, feeling her cheeks heat up in embarrassment.
Kristin gently raised her hand in protest, shaking her head softly. “Don’t worry about it,” she said kindly. “Anyway, I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced. My name is Kristin; a friend of Kevin’s,” Kristin added, extending her hand to Kerrie. She figured she’d leave her and Kevin’s relationship at “friend” for now.
“I know,” Kerrie replied quickly, taking her hand. She mentally scolded herself for that presumptuous reply. Kristin looked momentarily taken aback, but she recovered quickly. She shook Kerrie’s hand firmly and smiled.
“I see,” she said simply. She wondered whether Kerrie had been an old fan of either her career or her connection to the Backstreet Boys, or if Kevin had been telling Kerrie about her. She thought perhaps a little of both. Whatever the answer was, she determined that she had to be a little more cautious with her approach now. “Well, I just wanted to talk to you on behalf of Kevin. He’s doing so much better now than he had been, and I wanted to thank you. He speaks of you often; it seems he thinks quite highly of you,” Kristin remarked flatteringly. Her words had the desired effect when Kerrie’s face flushed slightly.
“Thank you,” Kerrie said in a small voice. She quickly cleared her throat and continued, trying to sound as professional and dignified as possible. “But I can’t take all the credit. Kevin has an amazing staff of doctors and nurses watching out for him,” she smiled.
Kristin nodded, quickly sizing Kerrie up. She was quite different from her in many ways, but she immediately got the impression that most others get when they first meet Kerrie—petite, quiet, gentle and kind. She had a very likable personality, so much so that Kristin found herself wondering if the woman had ever had an enemy in her entire life. She returned her eyes to Kerrie’s and smiled her poster-girl smile. “I’m sure he does,” she purred, trying to be as demure as possible. “But you in particular have a vital role in Kevin’s recovery. I mean, you must what with the way he constantly speaks of you.”
Kerrie bit the inside of her bottom lip, feeling a little skittish. She noticed that she couldn’t stop her feet from moving underneath the desk she was seated at. She wondered about what this woman was saying to her. This was, by all accounts, the love of Kevin’s life and yet she made it sound as though all Kevin could talk about in Kristin’s presence was her. While the thought was thrilling, it also seemed perplexing and a little difficult to believe. “Well, that’s nice to hear. But like I said, I can’t take all the credit,” Kerrie said, giving Kristin a gracious smile. “At least he doesn’t hate it here… yet.”
Kristin cocked her head to the side. “Yet?” she repeated, furrowing her brow in confusion, “What do you mean?”
“Well, after surviving a traumatic experience such as Kevin’s, the victim will generally display fits of depression, anxiety, restlessness, even post traumatic stress. It’s very common, but I’m glad that Kevin seems fairly unaffected so far,” Kerrie explained simply, allowing time for her words to take their full effect.
Kristin stood still before her, chin balanced in hand, as she listened intently. Once Kerrie had finished her explanation she had remained still, blinking once as if to wake herself up from a dream. “Oh,” she stated plainly. She wondered if the events surrounding her last visit had anything to do with that. She wondered if something similar to what had happened the last time would occur once she left tonight. She wondered if Kevin would fall victim to one of the symptoms Kerrie had described, or if he would make it out of this experience unscarred. Kristin had a great deal of faith in Kevin—he was a strong man, having been through much heartache in his young life. She had faith that he’d pull through all right. But there was still that bead of worry… that nagging question of “What if?” What if something happened? Would she be here for him?
Kristin lifted herself upright, drawing in a deep breath as she straightened herself out. “Well, let’s hope that none of that happens,” she said in a small voice, sending a weak smile Kerrie’s way. Kerrie amiably returned it, feeling regret for saying such things to a woman who had most obviously been through numerous accounts of devastation in the past few years. She was about to voice her apology when Kristin decided to continue on her last comment. “After all, if something did happen it would be just terrible since I won’t be able to return to him. I had let him know that this would be the last visit I was going to make to this hospital. So he’d better stay healthy—who would look after him if I weren’t here?” By the time she was finished, her voice was choked and her eyes hadn’t left a small dark spot on the floor for a good while.
Kerrie noted that Kristin was looking more and more unhealthy by the moment. She was losing color and looked frazzled, but Kerrie did not dare say anything to her. She watched as the blonde hastily raised a hand to her eye and wiped away the beginnings of tears. Kristin then returned her attention to Kerrie, her eye makeup looking smoky under glassy eyes. “Well, perhaps you could do a favor for me,” she said in a suffocated voice. She was beginning to stutter.
Kerrie nodded her head quickly, offering comfort to the woman through her generous eyes. “Of course,” she assured.
“Perhaps you could look out for him, for me. He—he likes to make people think he is invincible and strong, but… he’s very fragile,” Kristin admitted weakly. What she was doing now took a lot of trust and a lot of strength—she was parting with the most intimate part of her and Kevin’s life. She was giving him away. “He doesn’t handle grief well, and he... well, he hates hospitals,” she said with a mild chuckle, looking around. A few tears spilled over her lips as she turned back to Kerrie. “Too many bad memories, you understand?”
“Yes,” Kerrie said softly, stunned at what this woman was imparting to her. “That’s definitely understandable.”
Kristin nodded her head, licking the salty tears from her lips. “And—and he… he’s a silent sufferer. He’ll rage and rage on the inside and try and make you think he couldn’t be happier on the outside. It’s extremely frustrating, especially since you can’t get him to admit when he’s hurting. He feels as though by telling others, he’s hurting them too in some way.” Her brows hung low over downcast eyes, as if she were trying to remember some forgotten memory.
“He’s stubborn as a mule, but he’ll break at the slightest touch,” she said softly, rubbing her hands over her arms. She looked back up at Kerrie and attempted a smile. “He needs a lot of love. And support, and patience, and… effort. He requires a lot of effort. And you have to put it in or else…” she trailed off, getting a faraway look in her eyes. After several moments Kerrie was beginning to wonder if she would ever finish. Finally, her eyes refocused, but it seemed as though she was talking only to herself. “Or else… he’ll continue suffering, and you wont even know it.” Kristin’s face was dark and pained: troubled with the weight of memories. “Will you take care of him for me?” she asked again, looking Kerrie in the eye.
Kerrie swallowed hard. “Of course,” she answered in a compassionate voice. All of a sudden it hit her why Kevin loved this woman so much. She loved him unconditionally, she was caring and self-sacrificing, and she wasn’t afraid to hurt a little if it meant he would be okay. She was relinquishing her right to be with this man, and Kerrie realized just how vital she was to Kevin’s recovery. She wondered how he was going to do without her here.
“Perhaps you can do me a favor… Another favor,” Kristin smiled sheepishly, wondering if she was burdening this woman with all her favors. It had been about fifteen minutes since she had first approached Kerrie, and she felt drained of every memory and every emotion she could pass on about Kevin.
“Sure,” Kerrie smiled, thinking it was the least she could do after everything this woman had just imparted to her.
“Perhaps you can pass on a message,” she said, looking to be deep in thought. She licked her lips and took in a deep breath. “Tell him… I know you haven’t made your mind up yet, but I would never do you wrong, I’ve known it from the moment that we met, there’s no doubt in my mind where you belong.”
Kerrie stared at the woman, surprised at what she had just said. It was obviously a piece of poetry, but why in the world did she want Kerrie to give it to Kevin? “Um… okay,” she slurred, scribbling the verse down on a loose piece of paper so she wouldn’t forget it.
“I know it might sound strange, but Kevin will understand,” Kristin said with a secret smile. Kerrie nodded at her, finding herself thinking that yes, despite everything this woman was truly beautiful.
Kristin suddenly became very solemn as she switched her eyes onto something lower than Kerrie. She adjusted the purse slung around her shoulder, feeling the weight of it with her hand as if it were a subtle reminder of her own mortality; of her own suffering and her own frailness. It brought a memory of Kevin coming backstage after the grand finale of one of the last Backstreet Boy’s concerts she attended through her mind, and she shuddered. She could picture it so clearly, as if she were actually there in that time and moment.
She remembered a roadie bumping into her shoulder as he bustled by her, never once throwing even a glance of apology her way. She adjusted the purse at her shoulder in much the same fashion as she just had, and turned to glare at him as she continued to press her way onwards; Kevin would be coming off stage soon. She seemed to move in slow motion as her black heels click-clacked across the dreary gray cement floor she was gliding across. She remembered seeing an obstructed view of yellow firecrackers going off above her on the stage, the smell of smoke thick in the air as she continued to slowly make her way to where she knew she’d meet Kevin. It was then she saw him. He slid effortlessly off the stage door that had carried him below the stage as a man half his age. Another stage man was waiting for him with water and towel in hand. Kevin refused the water but accepted the terrycloth towel with a gracious smile, dabbing at his forehead and neck. Kristin had stopped moving by this point, only watching as his graceful, full stride brought him closer to her. He reached down to the hem of his shirt and tugged at it, bringing the white cotton material above his head until he was half-naked, discarding it off to the side as he unfolded his towel once again. Kristin smirked—the secret one she only shared with Kevin—as she watched his slender but defined body move towards her. It was this image, his bare chest slicked with sweat, that she had decided to take with her. Of every precious moment, of every sweet embrace, she wanted to remember this picture the most because this was her Kevin. Raw and natural, not glamed up for a photo shoot or record signing; Without care or worried of what others thought, not withheld and politically correct. This was the man that she shared fewer and fewer moments with these days. The man she fell in love with.
He swiped at his bare chest and arms smoothly, ridding himself of the post-show glow, and hung the dampened towel around his neck. He stretched his muscles gingerly, hearing the pop of his neck as he cautiously rotated his head to the side. That’s when he first spotted Kristin.
Kristin felt the familiar thrum of her heart as it picked up its pace, beating its uncontrolled warning that she knew all too well: The warning that she could not hide herself from this man, just as he could not hide from her. She watched that bewitching smile of his slide across his pristine face as his even pace suddenly became haphazard in his rush to greet her. She unfolded her arms, taking a few steps towards him as she let her own smile grow. Kevin reached her in a heartbeat; his strong hands at her hips as he pulled her closer to his naked chest, heat radiating off it like a furnace in the dead of winter. He bent his head down to smile at her—another one of their many secrets—and leaned his soft, thin lips into hers. Kristin could still feel his soft raven hair brush across her fingertips as she twined her arms around his neck. It was a rare commodity among them, such an embrace, that they both relished the feel of their bodies together as though they fit perfectly, the sparks igniting their emotions until they both burned with desire.
Kristin gripped at her purse strap tightly, gently removing herself from the memory. That would be only one of the few moments she’d carry with her forever. Her eyes refocused on Kerrie and she threw a smile her way. “I should be leaving now,” she confessed with tearful eyes. “Remember your promise,” she added, moving towards the elevators: The tiny steel cages that would once more take her away from her love.
And with that last memory she departed, never expecting to see Kevin again.
Kerrie repeated the words over and over again in her head as she watched the woman disappear for the last time, a cape of mystery and enchantment cloaked around her frail shoulders.
Remember your promise.
Kerrie doubted she would ever forget anything discussed between her and Kristin this morning. Each word was being tucked away in her memory forever. But she would not forget her promise most of all. She would care for and keep Kevin forever; She would watch out for him.
Kerrie stood from her perch at the nurse’s station, taking in a breath to clear the haze that covered her thoughts after that mysterious encounter. Once she was put together again she began her way down the familiar path to Kevin’s room—Just to make sure he was still all right.
