Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over: the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

Trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds down a shot of scotch, slams the empty glass onto the Bar, turns to the 2nd mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot and as the bar comes down I catch it with my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, then make off with the cheese.

The second mouse orders 2 shots of sour mash, slams each glass now empty on to the bar, turns to the 1st mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat Powder, I collect as much as I can, take it home, and add it to my morning coffee so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day".

The 1st mouse and the 2nd mouse now turn to the third mouse.

"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"

There was this Irishman who walked into a bar. He goes up to a barstool and gently lifts his bad leg and hip onto the stool. He looks at the barkeep and orders Irish whiskey. Then he looks around the bar and sees Jesus at the end of the bar. He asks the barkeep if that is Jesus at the end of the bar. Barkeep says yep, so the Irishman orders an Irish whiskey for Jesus too.

Then an old hunched back Italian comes into the bar and sits at the bar. As he is sitting down you can hear the pain he has in his back and shoulders. He orders a glass of wine. When he looks around he asks the barkeep if that is Jesus at the end of the bar. The barkeep says yep, and the Italian orders a glass of wine for Jesus also.

Then a red neck walks into the bar and sits on a stool. He yells "hey barkeep, a tall cold one" He looks around the bar and asks the barkeep if that is God's boy down there at the end. The barkeep says yep. So the redneck orders a beer for Jesus.

When Jesus finished all his drinks he gets up and walks over to the Irishman and places a hand on his shoulder and says "For your kindness, you are healed". The Irishman jumps off the stool and does a jig out the door. Next Jesus walks over to the Italian and places a hand on his shoulder and says "For your kindness you are healed". The hunch back straightens right up and does a back flip out the door.

The devil asks, "NOW what do you think of this!"

A doctor, a priest, and an engineer were playing golf together one sunny summer afternoon when they found themselves trapped behind a group of very slow players. They complained to the manager, but he told them that this group deserved special consideration. They were blind. And, not only were they blind, but they were former fire fighters who had been blinded fighting a fire that had threatened the very golf course on which they were playing.

The doctor felt very embarrassed, and said, "Well I have a few friends that are ophthalmologists. I'll ask them if they can do anything to help."

The priest, also feeling ashamed, offered, "I'll make sure we pray for them at Mass this Sunday."

The snake went first. "You're all furry, have two long floppy ears and a fluffy little tail."

The bunny was over-joyed, shouting, "I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny!"

Then the bunny felt the snake. "You've got dry, scaly skin, beady eyes, and a forked tongue."

The snake moaned, "Oh, no, I must be a lawyer..."

The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"

This man was driving with his wife and mother-in-law when he was stopped by the Highway Patrol. When the man rolled down his window the officer smiled and said, "We've been trying to encourage better driving habits in this state, so we've been stopping our most courteous drivers and giving them awards for their superior driving skills. It's my pleasure to present you with this citation and a check for $100."

"Wow," said the man who was very impressed with the award.

The officer asked, "Just out of curiosity, how do you think you'll spend the money."

The man answered, "Well, now that I can afford it, I think I'll go and get my driver's license, perhaps even some auto insurance."

His wife was stunned, and said, "Don't mind him, officer. He ALWAYS says ridiculous things when he's been drinking."

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

He said, "Wow! You look 10 years younger!"

"Really?" she asked.

Swen and Ole were playing golf. There were two women playing ahead of them and playing very slowly. Ole asked Swen to go ask the women if they could play through.

"Vy can't you?" said Swen.

"Because von iss my vife and d'other iss my mistress," replied Ole.

So Swen went to talk to the women and came back all red in the face.