Unisys Toastmasters Joke Page
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Club Officers

A Typical Meeting


Tools and Tips


It is quite often necessary for a Toastmaster to know how to "fill dead time" during a meeting. Perhaps a scheduled speaker is late, or needs time to set up props. A speech evaluator may need time to complete his evaluation before presenting it. An audience may need to be warmed up. Or, perhaps the Toastmaster just wants to show off his sense of humor. A good way to fill dead time is by telling a humorous story or joke. It is important to find stories that are funny, without offending the audience. Here are some jokes and stories that have worked well in our club meetings.


A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses rear?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Seeing Eye Pilot

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

Chocolate Chip Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those, she said, they are for the funeral!"

No Ears

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"

The guy burst out laughing and said, "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"

The Canoe

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over: the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe!"

Three Mice in a Bar

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night

Trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds down a shot of scotch, slams the empty glass onto the Bar, turns to the 2nd mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot and as the bar comes down I catch it with my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, then make off with the cheese.

The second mouse orders 2 shots of sour mash, slams each glass now empty on to the bar, turns to the 1st mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat Powder, I collect as much as I can, take it home, and add it to my morning coffee so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day".

The 1st mouse and the 2nd mouse now turn to the third mouse.

The 3rd mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, " I don't have time for all this, I have a date with the cat".

The Singing Frog

This mangy-looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"

The Healing Power of Jesus

There was this Irishman who walked into a bar. He goes up to a barstool and gently lifts his bad leg and hip onto the stool. He looks at the barkeep and orders Irish whiskey. Then he looks around the bar and sees Jesus at the end of the bar. He asks the barkeep if that is Jesus at the end of the bar. Barkeep says yep, so the Irishman orders an Irish whiskey for Jesus too.

Then an old hunched back Italian comes into the bar and sits at the bar. As he is sitting down you can hear the pain he has in his back and shoulders. He orders a glass of wine. When he looks around he asks the barkeep if that is Jesus at the end of the bar. The barkeep says yep, and the Italian orders a glass of wine for Jesus also.

Then a red neck walks into the bar and sits on a stool. He yells "hey barkeep, a tall cold one" He looks around the bar and asks the barkeep if that is God's boy down there at the end. The barkeep says yep. So the redneck orders a beer for Jesus.

When Jesus finished all his drinks he gets up and walks over to the Irishman and places a hand on his shoulder and says "For your kindness, you are healed". The Irishman jumps off the stool and does a jig out the door. Next Jesus walks over to the Italian and places a hand on his shoulder and says "For your kindness you are healed". The hunch back straightens right up and does a back flip out the door.

Then Jesus walks up behind the Redneck and just as he is about to place his hand on his shoulder, the red neck jumps up and says "Hands off, I'm collecting disability".

Olympic Snowboarding Challenge

What is the toughest part about being an Olympic Snow-boarder?

Convincing the judges that you have glaucoma.

Biker Goes to Hell

There was this biker dude. He was riding his chopper down the road and saw something that looked like a cat lying in the road way up ahead. So he gunned it and when he was almost there he saw that it was a heavy piece of metal instead but it was to late. He hit it head on and was thrown off the bike and died. When he came to he found himself in hell. The devil comes up to him and asks him how he likes the heat. He responds it's not bad, reminds him of his days in Mexico running drugs. That made the devil mad, so he turned up the heat. The next day the devil asked him how he liked it now! The biker responded that he had been in worse and it reminded him of his days in Death Valley when he was robbing and beating old people. That made the devil even madder. So he turned the heat completely off. The next day the devil finds the biker with icicles hanging from all parts of his body.

The devil asks, "NOW what do you think of this!"

The biker responds shivering......"What happened......Did the BRONCOS win the super bowl?"

Blind Golfers

A doctor, a priest, and an engineer were playing golf together one sunny summer afternoon when they found themselves trapped behind a group of very slow players. They complained to the manager, but he told them that this group deserved special consideration. They were blind. And, not only were they blind, but they were former fire fighters who had been blinded fighting a fire that had threatened the very golf course on which they were playing.

The doctor felt very embarrassed, and said, "Well I have a few friends that are ophthalmologists. I'll ask them if they can do anything to help."

The priest, also feeling ashamed, offered, "I'll make sure we pray for them at Mass this Sunday."

The engineer had his own solution, "Why can't they play at night?"

The Land of OZ

Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle, and Newt Gingrich get caught up in a tornado & land in the land of Oz. They decide to go see the wizard to have their wishes granted.

Quayle says, "I want a brain!"
Gingrich says, "I want a heart!"
Clinton says, "I want Dorothy!"

The Preacher Plays Hooky

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to
play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
convinced him to say mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor
left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about
forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he
knew from his Parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning
and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned
over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're
not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and
said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A
420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and
asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's
he going to tell?"

Blind Bunny and Blind Snake

A blind bunny and a blind snake were born at the same time, and grew up together, becoming the best of friends. Neither one knew what kind of creature the other one was, so one day they decided to touch each other and describe the sensations.

The snake went first. "You're all furry, have two long floppy ears and a fluffy little tail."

The bunny was over-joyed, shouting, "I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny!"

Then the bunny felt the snake. "You've got dry, scaly skin, beady eyes, and a forked tongue."

The snake moaned, "Oh, no, I must be a lawyer..."

At The Movies

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a crowded movie theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners? Where did you come from?"

The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"

Snail on a Turtle's Back

What did the snail say while getting a ride on the turtle's back?

The Traffic Citation

This man was driving with his wife and mother-in-law when he was stopped by the Highway Patrol. When the man rolled down his window the officer smiled and said, "We've been trying to encourage better driving habits in this state, so we've been stopping our most courteous drivers and giving them awards for their superior driving skills. It's my pleasure to present you with this citation and a check for $100."

"Wow," said the man who was very impressed with the award.

The officer asked, "Just out of curiosity, how do you think you'll spend the money."

The man answered, "Well, now that I can afford it, I think I'll go and get my driver's license, perhaps even some auto insurance."

His wife was stunned, and said, "Don't mind him, officer. He ALWAYS says ridiculous things when he's been drinking."

This really angered the mother-in-law who said "I knew it! I just knew something like this would happen. I TOLD you we wouldn't get far in this stolen car!

The Execution of 3 Engineers

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

"No," replied the chemist.

The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward. "Do you have anything you want to say?"

"No, just get on with it."

The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.

"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

The Special Window

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.

"This is a nice place, I've never been here," the first guy says.

"Oh really?," the other replies, "it's also a very special bar."

"Why is that?," the first guy asks.

"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that's amazing!," the first guy says.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way, that's impossible," the first guy replies.

"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man.

He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.

"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast," he says.

"Well, what the heck. OK, I'll give it a try," the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window.

He falls 10...20...30...40...50...100...200...300...500...1000 feet and SPLAT! ....ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.

After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

The Brass Rat

A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, "It's been returned twice already, and I don't want to see it again."

Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner and several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths.

The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, "Look, I told you there would be no returns." The man quickly replied, " Oh no, that's fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer."

The Duck at the Hardware Store

A duck waddles into a hardware store and says "Hey, got any grapes?" The clerk says "No we don't have any grapes, now get out of here!" The duck waddles out. A little bit later, he waddles back in and says "Hey, got any grapes?" Clerk says "No I told you already and if you ask me again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!" So the duck waddles out. Five minutes later the duck waddles back in and says "Hey got any nails?" Clerk says "No." Duck says "Good, got any grapes?"

Moses And Jesus Go Golfing

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

The Fight After the Party

A husband and wife were in a fierce argument as they were undressing for bed. She became so angry that she took off her bra and threw it in his face.

He said, "Wow! You look 10 years younger!"

"Really?" she asked.

"Yeah! All the wrinkles just left your face!"

The Duck at the Hardware Store

A duck waddles into a hardware store and says "Hey, got any grapes?" The clerk says "No we don't have any grapes, now get out of here!" The duck waddles out. A little bit later, he waddles back in and says "Hey, got any grapes?" Clerk says "No I told you already and if you ask me again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!" So the duck waddles out. Five minutes later the duck waddles back in and says "Hey got any nails?" Clerk says "No." Duck says "Good, got any grapes?"

How To Get Your Kid To Excel In Math

A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"


Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said,"No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Swen and Ole...

Swen and Ole were playing golf. There were two women playing ahead of them and playing very slowly. Ole asked Swen to go ask the women if they could play through.

"Vy can't you?" said Swen.

"Because von iss my vife and d'other iss my mistress," replied Ole.

So Swen went to talk to the women and came back all red in the face.

"Small Vorld!" Ole said.