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Your Weekly Horoscope by Claire
ARIES: Trying to convince people that you're not completely insane is not going to work, so you might as well just admit it!
TAURUS: It isn't nice to meddle in other people's business. If you truly love someone, let them go. Let them lead their own lives. Trapping them and making them feel responsible for you is selfish.
GEMINI: You will set your hair on fire and a strange man will run up to you and put it out with a sledgehammer. This will not make you more decisive, unfortunately.
CANCER: Your life is dull and uneventful. You will attempt to make life more interesting by attempting to cross-breed an aardvark with a cobra. They will find your body.....eventually.
LEO: Your selfishness has once again ruined your love life. You might as well give up. No one wants to live with a conceited jerk!
VIRGO: Stop being such a perfectionist, it's unhealthy and causes ulcers!
LIBRA: Keep active and stick with that diet. Your life has improved drastically, don't let your new love get away!
SCORPIO: Now is a good time to have lots of sex.
SAGITTARIUS: You will lose someone you love to someone else.This will make you depressed for a few days, but you will soon bounce back once you realize that you are now free to have sex with lots of different people!
CAPRICORN: Don't turn over rocks in your backyard if they are glowing. And don't answer the phone this week, or you'll be transported to another galaxy where they will keep you in a cage and poke you with sticks! You will be bery disappointed when you find out they don't really have anal probes.
AQUARIUS: You can do anything, if you put your mind to it. Don't let other people tell you what is right or wrong.
PISCES: Your own insecurities will destroy you, if you don't stop being so selfish!
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