Original Date of Completion: October 2004
Rating: PG-13ish
Disclaimer: This is fake, and no offense is meant to anyone with the comments that appear herein. It's mocking ME brutally, and if I'm not offended, you shouldn't be either. I don't own Charlie's Angels, or any of the people in this fic. I do own the fic being mocked though, so don't steal or mock it without my consent.
Notes: The fic being mocked here is On the Banks of the Beach part 1. The mocked parts are in italics, and actually are the original text of the original OTBOTB. That was my first online fic, and it shows in the glaring mistakes that the characters will point out. I have progressed SO far, thank God *G*. The majority of this was written in late 2004, while the NHL was locked out, while Curtis was still property of Detroit, and before I had written the Director's Cut of OTBOTB.
Starring: Trish Stratus, Curtis Joseph, Rick Nash, and Kirk Maltby
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"Oh," was all I could say back.
"You camping here?" He asked again, taking a seat next to me on the bank.
"Yeah, with my cousin and her boyfriend,"
"Your girlfriend didn't come?"
CURTIS: I don’t think it could be more obvious they’re going to fuck when he's asking that.
KIRK: He may as well say "I've gaydared you, bitch, bend over."
RICK: *laughs* it could never be that simple, unfortunately. This is a guy who can make a PWP 15 pages long.
"I'm flying solo nowdays," I replied
"That's the way to be," He said again.
We sat in silence for awhile, staring out at the sunset over the lake.
KIRK: SEE! Skinny dipping during the day. This is not only bad porn, it's ILLEGAL bad porn.
CURTIS: *scoffs* There is no law in fic.
RICK: *nods* seriously, if there were, this fic would've been locked away for life.
My mind flicked quickly back to Will, still thinking of his question of my girlfriend. I had just pretended to be hetero again.
CURTIS: Aww, welcome to the NHL.
RICK: *arches eyebrow* what NHL are you playing in where people pretend?
KIRK: *laughs* Curtis doesn't have the best eyes in the world, youve seen his GAA
CURTIS: *glares* Keep talking, Dye Job. There are more pillows, and Mike Ricci was left out of the last dream.
[KIRK falls silent, shuddering.]
I couldn't really say "No, my boyfriend and I just broke up." That's all I need, some complete stranger passing judgement on me, for who I chose to be with. And this guy is someone I would want to get to know, even if it turned out to be another Kasey.
"I'm Jon by the way," He said, extending his hand out.
"Cameron," I replied, shaking his hand.
KIRK: So much for Cambodia. I can't say I'm not disappointed.
"You know, I hate to be forward here. But are you gay?"
CURTIS: Dye job was right, it would've made more sense had he just said "I've gaydared you, bitch, bend over"
RICK: It's kind of sad when THAT would make MORE sense.
KIRK: See, had this guy had me for a muse when he started writing, he could've avoided a lot of mistakes.
CURTIS: Have you not read ANYTHING you've been in?
WHAT THE FUCK? I've known this guy a total of 10 minutes and he's already seen right through me? I know I couldn't have possibly be that obvious, but maybe I was. Maybe he caught me staring earlier, and just didn't want to say something. Or maybe he caught my quick glance at his dick. How in the hell did he know?
RICK: Maybe it's the bright pink lyrca and leather pants.
KIRK: If he's wearing that, the gigantic flames radiating from him should be a good indication.
CURTIS: That and the big "I'm GAY" sign that all good slash characters wear.
"What?"
Wow, aren't I great at defending myself? I had pretty much just outted myself to a perfect stranger. Not only that, but now anytime I came here, I would have to avoid him. Saying as he lives right next door. Where were my usually great defenses? I don't know, maybe I'm just sick of lying.
"I mean, it'd be cool if you were. In fact, I'd kinda like it if you were,"
RICK: "Because I'm always in the mood to fuck after my daytime skinny dip, and you're magically the only one here."
KIRK: "Because otherwise, you might not like it when I ram my dick down your throat."
CURTIS: *laughs* nah, straight guys in fic always wind up loving that.
I just sat and stared into his eyes, which I noticed were a beautiful shade of blue.
KIRK: Ha! And you said *I* was the one in this!
CURTIS: *hits KIRK with a pillow* I'm not the ONLY one with blue eyes here, slutpuppy.
RICK: I'm so glad no one writes about brown eyes.
Was he coming onto me? An incredibly cute stranger coming on to me? A part of me hoped so, but a part on me panged with guilt over Will. But that was over, and there was no way to fix it. And as Sara had told me a million times before, it was time to move on, I guess.
"So are you?" He asked, a very scared tone in his voice.
"Are you?" I asked in reply.
"You tell me,"
CURTIS: And then he gave him head.
RICK: And then they fuck.
KIRK: And then it's over. Can we go home now?
TRISH: *laughs evilly* Puh-LEASE, you've still got 40 lines of pointless dialogue and a terrible sex scene left to go.
KIRK: *bursts into exaggerated sobs, clinging to CURTIS:
CURTIS: *shudders, trying to move away, holding his hands out to avoid touching KIRK* there's a slutpuppy on me, please Trish, for the love of Gretzky have mercy...
TRISH: *laughs* you should've thought about THAT before you fucked up my introductions. I get a total of about 7 lines in this fic and you jackasses fucked it up. I ought to make you sit here through the sequel.
RICK: *Sighs* why, WHY must I be of age? If I were just a little younger, this would violate labor laws.
With that statement he kissed me. And this wasn't just a quick kiss, this was a kiss.
RICK: Because quick kisses are something completely different.
CURTIS: *still trying to move away from KIRK, easing to the edge of the sofa* of course, we call them...*falls over the edge of the sofa* mother fucking asslicking cockbiter!
RICK: *arching eyebrow, grinning amused* I didn't mean quite that different
KIRK: *sits up, smirking* see, a little bit of touching and he's jumping off couches. He is the anti-smut.
RICK: Just because he wouldn't put out for YOU?
KIRK: Of COURSE! EVERYONE wants smut with me, I'm the Slutpuppy.
RICK: *laughs* right, that's why I was with HIM for my first smut fic *motions to CURTIS*
KIRK: *pauses, pouts* you guys SUCK.
CURTIS: *jumps up from behind the couch, wrapping a belt around KIRK's neck, pulling back on it* but YOU won't when you no longer have a throat!
RICK: *sits back, shaking head* if they weren't Red Wings, I might try to stop this.
His lips touched softly against mine, sending thrills all through my body. He drew back from the kiss and looked at me. Being my normal moron of a self, I laughed a bit.
CURTIS: *stops pulling back on belt, still holding it against KIRK'S neck* sending THRILLS all through his body? Is that possible?
RICK: Apparently it's just as possible as being a "moron of a self".
CURTIS: Wow, what was this guy on when he wrote this paragraph?
KIRK: *pulling the belt from his throat, gasping for breath, coughing* maybe..he..was just...lightheaded...from being...CHOKED
RICK: *laughs* I don't think he has that good of an excuse, unfortunately.
"What?" He asked, laughing a bit as well.
"Nothing, I just can't tell you how great it felt to have you do that," I replied, looking deep into his eyes.
"Well, how about I do it again,"
CURTIS: Does the question mark exist in the US school system?
RICK: No punctuation does, judging by this fic.
And he was kissing me again, this time he took me in his arms. I shuddered as I felt his impressive arms hold me close. He kissed my lips softly again, then laid back on the bank, I followed laying my head on his chest.
"That was so amazing," I said, touching his chest lightly with my fingers.
"I know," He said again. "And you touching my chest like that is getting me kinda hot," He laughed
"I see that," I said coyly, glancing once more at his dick.
KIRK: *groans* the choking hurt less than that part.
CURTIS: Only because I can't possibly inflict this much pain on another human being. I have a soul, dammit!
RICK: I'd sell mine right now to get out of this.
Now that it was hard, it was obvious to see I really did miss something when he was skinny dipping. His prominent erection made his swim trunks tent out. And it was obvious to see, he wasn't wearing underwear underneath of them. I reached down to adjust my own cock through my shorts. Then placed my hand once more on his chest.
"I can see your up for the occasion too," He joked, rather corny.
CURTIS: Your nose is growing, Pinnochio
KIRK: You know what they say about guys with big noses...
RICK: Yeah, they can smell how bad this stinks from a hell of a lot further away than we are.
"You could say that," I chuckled. "But you know what would really get me up?"
"What?"
"Seeing that dick of yours," I said again, still touching his hairless chest.
"Be my guest," He said, rather confident of his meat.
CURTIS: MEAT?! *twitches* me and the Kid don't deserve this. Kirk does, but we don't.
KIRK: What the hell did I do to deserve this?!?
CURTIS: Take a guess, Maltby Express!
KIRK: Better that than calling it MEAT!
RICK: You know, I'm really not sure about that...
My heart jumped as he said that. I didn't want to seem like some psycho who never got dick.
KIRK: Because he can see his heart jumping?
CURTIS: Yes, just like he could see him on the bank when he was doing his daylight skinny dip earlier.
RICK: My gosh, he's SUPERMAN!
CURTIS: Wrong fandom, Kid.
KIRK: We can wish. This would be over faster than a speeding bullet in that case.
(Because in reality Will had kept me VERY satisfied.) I slid my hand slowly down his chest, pausing to reflect on how hard his abs felt. Then continued my trek to his dick. I slid my hand slowly into his shorts, feeling his wiry pubic hair on the back of my hand.
CURTIS: Is the description of pubic hair really necessary?
RICK: Much like this entire fic, no.
KIRK: I'm just glad he got that out of his system before he wrote me. He's given me enough embarrassing fic moments as it is.
I by passed his dick at first, going for his balls. I took them in my hand and squeezed them a bit, feeling him tense as I did so. I could no longer contain myself. I got on my knees between his legs and lightly pulled his shorts down, exposing slowly the abdomen I had been dying to see since 5:00 that day.
RICK: Wait, didn't they GET there at 5:00?
CURTIS: Time apparently stood still until the skinny dipping
KIRK: Either that, or he had a psychic vision.
RICK: If that were the case, I'd like to believe we’d be saved all the extraneous dialogue.
CURTIS: This wouldn't be nearly as torturous without that, and that just wouldn't make a good spoof.
KIRK: I'm not sure it's made a good spoof WITH it.
CURTIS: *snickers* You should've been here for your dream.
My jaw nearly dropped with my first glance of his dick. It had to be at least 8 inches long, and at least 4 inches around. I suddenly felt much smaller than I had earlier that day. He must've sensed that, because he spoke to re-assure me.
"I don't care how big you are. Your cute face was what got me here,"
KIRK: Because if the guy were hung like a flea he'd really keep going.
RICK: Stranger things have happened.
CURTIS: Not in a fic with 400 3Ds. Size matters to this guy, ask the Slutpuppy.
KIRK: Let's not go there, I've had enough trauma today.
CURTIS: And we haven't even gotten to the sex yet.
KIRK: *twitches* speak for yourself.
I felt a sudden pang of emotion for him. Will had said the same thing to me,
RICK: He MUST be hung like a flea
KIRK: Either that, or the author is a size queen
CURTIS: You know what Freud said about the male preoccupation with size...
[KIRK and RICK stare blankly at CURTIS, crickets chirp]
CURTIS: *shakes head* I forgot I'm in a room with two hockey players
KIRK: Hey, we won't be the only ones that won't get that, Einstein.
RICK: Yeah, this IS fan fiction.
but it turned out that I was longer than Will, but he was thicker than me. Jon seemed to be like Will in so many ways. So sweet, so cute, so loving. He seemed perfect for me, and I had only known him for less than and hour.
KIRK: Aww, love at first peep
CURTIS: LESS than an hour? The word "love" has nothing to do with this.
RICK: So 'lust' at first peep, then?
CURTIS: More like 'cliche' at first peep. If there's not an 'I love you so much already!' before this is over, may I have to sleep with the Slutpuppy.
KIRK: I never thought I'd actually hope for something like that in a fic...
But back on track. I gripped his cock with one hand and stroked up slowly, coaxing a drop of pre cum from the head. I moved my head down and licked the drop from his cock, causing him to moan loudly. I continued to lick around his length, savoring every taste I got. I had played around enough, it was time to get to business
KIRK: Wow, not much for foreplay is he?
CURTIS: A "but back on track" in a sex scene, that may be the first time I've ever seen that.
RICK: Well this may be the first time an author has ever rambled so far off the topic in a sex scene before.
I stopped licking for a second, and brought myself eye to eye with him again. He pulled me on top of him and kissed me again. I once again shuddered in extasy.
CURTIS: Clicking the spellcheck button is obviously too hard for this guy.
RICK: Must be color blind to miss the little green lines under the word.
KIRK: He MUST be color blind, stroll through his site one day and you'll see what I mean.
He laughed lightly as he ripped my shirt untucked from my pants. I felt myself getting harder than I ever had before as he brought his hands to my skin. He slid his hands up my stomach, and to my chest. He touched my nipples lightly with his hands, making me moan lightly.
RICK: "light" twice in the same sentence, someone get this guy a thesaurus
CURTIS: No, don't, please. Then we'll get words like 'evanescent' and 'mellifluent', even if they're different meanings.
KIRK: And we've already got enough to mock.
I helped him take my shirt off. He threw my shirt behind him, accidently making it into the lake below us. I laughed as I collapsed onto his chest.
KIRK: A moment of realization for how bad this fic really is?
CURTIS: In that case, he'd be CRYING, not laughing.
The feeling of skin on skin was beyond anything I could've expected on this camping trip. I kissed him once more, then worked my way back to his dick. Stopping to lick on his nipples. Then eventually reaching his dick once more.
CURTIS: For the love of Sawchuk, someone introduce this guy to a comma.
RICK: If you've read anything he's written in the past couple of years, you'd know he's met it, fallen in love with it, and had its babies.
KIRK: *clamps hand over RICK's mouth* Do NOT mention a guy having babies around this guy. That's an idea we never need to give him.
CURTIS: *snickers* You're just worried how ugly your kid would turn out with Draper or McCarty.
RICK: *bites KIRK's hand, shoving him away, laughing* Who wouldn't be?
KIRK: *glares* you could just as easily have Jaroslav Spacek Junior!
RICK: *shudders violently*
His dick was as hard as I had left it, if not more so.
KIRK: That's what happens when you use a penis pump between paragraphs.
CURTIS: *stares at KIRK, arching eyebrow, smirking* Something you have experience with?
KIRK: *glares* No! I'm the slutpuppy for my size and stamina, dammit!
RICK:...is that really why?
CURTIS: *laughs* Yeah, and Whore of Hockeytown is a classic with a riveting plot and transcendent writing.
KIRK: *glares, crossing his arms in a pout*
I felt him shudder as I once more gripped his cock. Instead of stroking this time, I popped the head in my mouth.
RICK: Like an 8 inch Tic-Tac
CURTIS: *laughs* that's Dye Job's breathmint of choice.
RICK: So THAT’s what that smell is!
KIRK: *glares at them both* That's just the bad fic smell, dammit!
CURTIS: *snickers* It's amazing how we only smell that when you open your mouth...
KIRK: *opens mouth to say something, then closing it, flipping CURTIS off*
I felt him tense and his cock pulse.
RICK: Isn't that generally the description for the orgasm?
KIRK: Yes, but it could NEVER happen that fast in one of this guy's fics
CURTIS: Not true, the last sex scene in Issues was short...
KIRK: *smirks* Yeah, but it only counts if someone READS it.
I reached up to stroke his nipples with my free hand, as I sucked his sweet dick. I could taste his pre cum dripping on my tounge, thrilling my body with every drop.
CURTIS: I'm not even going to point out everything that's horrible about that part.
KIRK: *laughs* Oh come on, it might thrill your body!
RICK: But for the sake of our MINDS, let's move on.
"Oh shit Cameron, your good at this," He breathed.
"Thanks," I said, removing his dick from my mouth, licking down the length once more.
He moaned once again as I deposited his dick back in my mouth
KIRK: Considering he popped it into his mouth like a Tic-Tac earlier, and now deposited it there, I'm starting to think this guy is a candy dish.
RICK: On the counter at the bank.
CURTIS: In hell.
© 2004 Triple X
