Original Date of Completion: October 2004

Rating: PG-13ish

Disclaimer: This is fake, and no offense is meant to anyone with the comments that appear herein. It's mocking ME brutally, and if I'm not offended, you shouldn't be either. I don't own Charlie's Angels, or any of the people in this fic. I do own the fic being mocked though, so don't steal or mock it without my consent.

Notes: The fic being mocked here is On the Banks of the Beach part 1. The mocked parts are in italics, and actually are the original text of the original OTBOTB. That was my first online fic, and it shows in the glaring mistakes that the characters will point out. I have progressed SO far, thank God *G*. The majority of this was written in late 2004, while the NHL was locked out, while Curtis was still property of Detroit, and before I had written the Director's Cut of OTBOTB.

Starring: Trish Stratus, Curtis Joseph, Rick Nash, and Kirk Maltby

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and started sucking for all I was worth,
KIRK: Is there a such thing as worthless blowjobs?
CURTIS: I wouldn't have thought so before reading this fic, but apparently.
RICK: I think this fic has rewritten the definition of worthless.

running my tounge along the underside as I did so. I began to squeeze his balls lightly as I sucked, getting a moan out of him with every squeeze. I began to feel his balls tensing in my hands. I knew from experience that he was on the verge of coming.
CURTIS: Verge of coming. I can think of a billion other ways to write that.
RICK: But it could be worse, it could be "verge of coating my tonsils in love butter"
KIRK: *shudders, twitching* so unclean...

I couldn't wait to see (or taste) what kind of load Jon's cock would deliever. I increased my suction on his massive tool,
KIRK: Ladies and gentlemen, he's sucking his monkey wrench!
RICK: *laughs* I guess that's better than a ratchet, or a screwdriver.
CURTIS: Considering the 3D's we've gotten in this, it's probably more like a table saw.

and began to bob up and down on it as well.
KIRK: Definitely a monkey wrench
RICK: I have to say, I wish it was the table saw.
CURTIS: Although with the way this has gone, the massive tool guy would get off on blood, and we'd have to sit through a disgusting masturbation scene...
KIRK: Well this WAS posted on Nifty...

I felt his balls tense as he shot his load in my mouth. The sour taste was a bit much at first, but I stayed on his cock, taking all of his massive load.
RICK: Massive load from a massive tool, maybe he's a grease gun?
CURTIS: This ain't Nascar, kid.
KIRK: As unentertaining as this is, are you SURE?
CURTIS: *pauses* Hmm...

As I swallowed the last bit of his cum, he spoke.

"I wanna do you now,"
KIRK: Order up, a big slab of unprotected sex for table 5!
CURTIS: No diner references, we'll wind up with syrup as lube.
RICK: *shakes head* Thank God I was the ASTRO Bunny.

I licked the last drops from his dick then returned to his lips. He kissed me with incredible passion this time, squeezing my dick lightly. I collapsed on the bank next to him, and pulled him on top of me.
KIRK: Bottom whore!
CURTIS: *snickers* takes one to know one.
KIRK: *glares* Yeah, and I know you, don't I?!
CURTIS: *smirks* Not very well, obviously, I topped the kid over there *nods at RICK*
[RICK blushes, looking away]

He began to kiss my neck, almost nibbling on it at some point, driving me wild. He made his way to my chest and began to massage my nipples with his tounge.
RICK: The spellcheck button is right at the top of the page, for pete's sake!
KIRK: That obviously doesn't matter to him. Or most Americans, you've been on the internet.
CURTIS: Saying Americans are stupid?
RICK: That would explain a lot...
KIRK: Yeah, like how they elected George Bush TWICE.
[ALL THREE shudder]

With his free hand he then found my dick, which was beginning to hurt it was so hard.
KIRK: That's not from being hard, that's the chlamydia
CURTIS: *snickers* Expert on that too, Dye Job?
RICK: *laughs* well, he is the SLUTpuppy...
KIRK: *glares* STDs don't exist in fic, dammit! Forget I said that *slumps back pouting*

He crawled his way down to face it. He unbuttoned my jean shorts and pulled them down. He then (with his teeth, this boy knew how to get to me) unbuttoned my boxer shorts, causing my dick to spring up at him.

"Ooh, spring loaded," He joked
CURTIS: *groans, shaking head* Worst. Line. EVER.
RICK: I may be inclined to agree with you...
KIRK: I've repressed the earlier parts of this fic, or I could probably point out worse.

All I could do was laugh, but the laugh turned quickly into a
RICK: Scream, realizing this fic STILL isn't over.
KIRK: evil cackle, realizing this fic STILL isn't over.
CURTIS: They're cackling, WE'RE screaming.

moan as he began to lick my shaft. Jon was incredible, (and as much as I loved Will, Jon had a much more talented tounge.)
RICK: AELJKWER!
[KIRK and CURTIS stare at RICK confused.]
RICK: If he's going to keep misspelling that word, I'm going to throw around a few of my own.

began to bob up and down on my dick, pausing on the way back up each time to suck the head. He began to reach up and massage my nipples again, making me moan in pleasure. I knew I would cumm before too much longer, but who cares. This was far too incredible to stop now.
CURTIS: He is very, VERY wrong about that.
RICK: If this were a fight, they'd have stopped it a long time ago
KIRK: *weeps* it's never going to end.

I reached down and started stroking his soft brown hair. Maybe I didn't know my taste to well, I thought to myself. I had always like blondes, with green eyes. Jon was the complete opposite. Brown hair, and blue eyes. But for some reason, I was unbelievably attracted to him.
RICK: We can't explain it either.
KIRK: Dick size.
CURTIS: Or y'know, he decided to suck you off on a bank.
RICK: That's generally a factor in feelings toward someone.
CURTIS: *laughs* Oh man, it makes so much sense why so many people hate Kirk now!
KIRK: *glares, standing up* That's it, I've had enough of you, Chihuahua!
CURTIS: *laughs* what are you going to do, make me read some you and Chelios porn?
KIRK: *grins evilly* YES! *magically produces a copy of Fever* He flashed me a lustful grin as I reached between us, gripping his throbbing cock in my hand, I smiled in return, jerking his cock with a few quick strokes before positioning it at my opening...
CURTIS: *screams, diving over the back of the couch, running from the room*.
RICK: *arches eyebrow, watching CURTIS run away, shaking head* Again I say, we may need a new angel...
KIRK: *laughs victoriously, sitting back down, patting the stack of papers* I knew there'd be a use for that fic yet.

There was a connection between the two of us, and I couldn't tell ya why.
RICK: Um, maybe because his mouth is on your dick?
KIRK: *laughs* that's connected alright.

But I was glad it was there.

He took his free hand from my chest and brought it to my balls. After giving them a quick squeeze, he brought his hand down towards my ass. He began to coax his finger into my waiting ass hole.
KIRK: Is asshole one word or two?
RICK: That's a good question. There's a space in between Kirk and Maltby isn't there?
KIRK: *glares* Not you too! I get rid of Curtis, and then you start?!
RICK: *grins* Someone has to pick up the slack. And you are a Red Wing after all.
KIRK: *shakes head, grumbling* sometimes I wish I was a Sabre so no one would care...

That feeling was beyond description. Will and I had went no further than blow jobs. But the feeling of Jon's finger in my ass was amazing. He probed around for a few seconds before hitting something that sent shocks right through me. I had learned enough in health class to know he found my prostate.
KIRK: Do they teach that in health class?
RICK: In the US? Please, it'd be considered glorifying gay sex.
KIRK: *laughs, nodding* Probably. So I wonder what they tell them it's there for.
RICK: Prostate cancer commericials.

He began to massage it lightly, while still sucking on my shaft. And in no time after that, my grip in his hair tightened and I was moaning loudly as I came in his mouth.

I was exasperated.
RICK: Aren't we all.
KIRK: Who the hell wouldn't be after living through these sex scenes?
RICK: Someone who's heard of the word EXHAUSTED.

I let go of his hair while he finished lapping up my cumm.
RICK: "lapping" just does not belong in fic.
KIRK: Aww, too bad Curtis isn't here, he's a dog, he's probably used to lapping.
[CURTIS reappears in the background, sneaking up behind the couch, carrying a metal folding chair]
RICK: *smirks* And you're the slutPUPPY, so...
CURTIS: You can lap up cum in HELL! *hits KIRK over the head with the chair, sending him crashing forward against the coffee table unconscious*
RICK: *Blinks surprised, arching an eyebrow at CURTIS*
CURTIS: *laughs evilly* I picked up a thing or two from working with Trish before. *sits down on the couch, resting his feet on KIRK's back*

He brought himself up again and laid on my chest. This was amazing. I had known him only a few hours, but already felt as if I were in love.
CURTIS: I KNEW THAT WAS COMING!
RICK: *shakes head* Love at first suck.
CURTIS: That should be the writer's motto, this story actually got him readers.
RICK: *shakes head* Well, I guess if New Jersey can have fans...

Maybe that was my hormones talking, but I seriously doubt it. I stroked his hair lightly as he laid on me, both of us spent from the escapade we had both experienced.

"That was amazing," I breathed, still stroking his hair.
RICK: Amazing how ANYONE could think this was material good enough to see the light of day.
CURTIS: Amazing how many cliches can be used in an 8 page fic.
KIRK: *makes droning noises, drooling*
RICK: *peers curiously at KIRK* Amazing how he still has the brain to do that, considering the beating he's taking today.
CURTIS: *snickers* he's the slutpuppy, taking it is part of his job description.

"I know. I don't know what it is about you Cameron, but you make me feel like I've never felt before." He exlained to me, running his hands across my bare chest.

"I know. I feel this connection with you. And call me Cam,"

I had to get the "and call me Cam" part in there. Every time I heard Cameron, I felt like I was in school, or getting yelled at.
CURTIS: CAMERON, you SUCK!
RICK: *laughs* spoken like a true father...
KIRK: *makes a loud 'Duh' sound, still drooling*
RICK: *laughs, shaking head* Spoken like a true retarded father.

"Okay, Cam," He said, and kissed my nipple.

"Can I ask you something?"
CURTIS: Absolutely zero reaction to nipple kissing, after we sat through 40 pages of chest descriptions earlier on.
RICK: Reactions are unimportant once you come.
CURTIS: Tell that to my wife.

"Anything,"

"How did you know I was gay?"
KIRK: *shoots awake, shrieking* I'm not a gay! I just play one on TV!
CURTIS: *snickers* well that last part is true at least...
RICK: *laughs* no kidding, he's the Ellen Degeneres of hockey players...
KIRK: *glares briefly, then rubs his head, clearing his throat* I clearly meant in fic.

"I could tell from your voice when I asked you about your girlfriend," He finished, still running his hands across my chest.
CURTIS: *laughs* for the LAST time, are you SURE Kirk isn't in this?
KIRK: *glares, still rubbing his head* If I could remember your name right now, I'd tell you a thing or two!
CURTIS: *smirks* My name's Mike Illitch. You work for me. Now go get me some coffee, and pizza pizza.
KIRK: *stares suspiciously at CURTIS, then stands up, walking from the room*
CURTIS: *roars in laughter, shaking head* Man, hitting him with the chair was great, I can't believe that worked.
RICK: You blew it with the 'pizza pizza' thing, now he's going to bring back Little Caesars.
CURTIS: *gags* Dammit.

I reached my head up and kissed his head lightly. I could've laid like that forever. But I knew, it was full fledged dark out now, and Sara and Kasey would be looking for me before too much longer.
CURTIS: I'm sure they care. No really, I'm sure they're not off having sex somewhere.
RICK: Not unless Sara magically became a dude, let's remember who wrote this.
CURTIS: *laughs* good point, there's no heteroness in his writing brain.

"I should get back to my cousin," I explained to him

"Yeah, I should probably get home," He agreed, sitting up next to me.

I looked deep into his eyes again, and felt like I had never felt before, even with Will. I had to see him again, even if nothing happened. It brightened my day to just be with him. He must've felt the same way, because he spoke first.
CURTIS: Brightened your day!? You got there at 5, he brightened a whole 2 hours of your EVENING.
RICK: That's about all the brightening this fic can do.
CURTIS: At least until they install a fireplace here in the office.

"Can I see you again?" He asked, a nervous little boy tone in his voice, made me melt inside.
RICK: What in the HELL is that?
KIRK: *reappears, carrying a Little Caesars pizza* It's a Little Caesars pizza, for Mr. Ill...is what he makes the fans every time he plays! *tackles CURTIS down on the couch, straddling his chest with his knees, flipping open the box of pizza, grabbing a couple of slices, shoving them in CURTIS' face* Eat it Eat it, bitch!
CURTIS: *Screams, trying to push KIRK away* NO! I'd rather have love butter dreams!
RICK: *shakes head, laughing* well, that's Hot & Ready too, I guess...
KIRK: *shudders, staring at RICK* That may've been the most disgusting part of this entire spoof.
CURTIS: *spits out a pepperoni* Speak for yourself, Dye Job.

"Of course. How about tomorrow?"

"Sounds great, meet here?"

"Yeah, at noon?"

"Perfect."
KIRK: *moves to sit down at the far end of the couch from CURTIS* PLEASE tell me we have tomorrow off.
RICK: Even if we don't, I'm calling in sick.
CURTIS: *wipes pizza sauce off his face* I'm calling in dead, after that pizza

He leaned in again and kissed me then hopped to his feet.
RICK: Aww, like a big gay bunny.
CURTIS: *laughs* aww, like this author for Kirk.
KIRK: *smirks smugly* You're just jealous he only likes you for your playing.
RICK: *laughs, rolling eyes* THERE's something to be jealous of.
TRISH: {still from the speakerbox} It's a crock anyway. I've just been handed a note from the author, he thinks you're all hot, but he loves you for the way you play. Except when Kirk cheapshot's innocent young defensemen into an open bench door.
RICK: *glares at KIRK menacingly* OH YEAH, I forgot about that...
[KIRK gulps]

He pulled me to his feet then hugged me to him. I shuddered again, and became weak in the knees. He held me up and chuckled softly in my ear.
CURTIS: Chuckled and thought what we're all thinking...
KIRK: Is this fucking over yet?
RICK: What would Maltby look like hanging from the chandelier by his balls?
CURTIS: *laughs wickedly* I've got to give that one to the kid.
KIRK: *glares at CURTIS* if he wasn't bigger than me...
RICK: *laughs* you'd hit me face to face instead of from behind?
CURTIS: *snickers* Hell no, from behind is the only way Kirk likes it.
KIRK: *glares at them both, shaking head* I'm so going Farrah Fawcett after this season...

He kissed the side of my neck, as I did him. Then one last kiss on the lips and we parted ways.
RICK: If you read that literally, it's the fastest sex scene ever.
CURTIS: I only wish it were real, and about 4 pages ago.
KIRK: Fuck four pages, make it 8.
CURTIS: *smirks* You and your preoccupation with 8
KIRK: *glares for a moment, then pauses, smirking* I like my preoccupation with 8. It keeps me out of sex scenes with YOU.
CURTIS: *glares* Oh go dye your ass hairs to match your head, you cheap Chelios riding cum dumpster.
RICK: *laughs* Ouch. A simple "Fuck you" would've sufficed.
KIRK & CURTIS: He wishes.

I watched him walk up the trail to his house, and felt as if I missed him already. As I bent down to pick up, what I thought was my shirt, I noticed he left his towel. Then I remembered my shirt had wound up in the lake. I picked up his towel and smelled it, smelling the scent of a man who had made me felt like no other had ever, physically or mentally. I was still in my trance when Sara's voice brought me back to the earth.
CURTIS: And the ominous offscreen voice tonight will be played by cousin Sara.
TRISH: *from the speaker box* Ahem.
CURTIS: *pauses, laughing* Right right, sorry.
KIRK: That towel must've had a powerful scent, to boot him completely off Earth.
RICK: It's that new Downy fabric softener, new and improved cocaine scent, now with rocket fuel.

"What's up with you?" She asked, approaching in the darkness

"Nothing. I just feel alot happier today," I replied, giving a quick glance at the trail.
KIRK: Orgasming with a total stranger will do that to man.
CURTIS: Orgasms in general tend to do that.
RICK: I think you may've just indirectly explained why this fic ever got posted.
ALL THREE: *pause, then shudder* Ewww!

"Where's your shirt?" Kasey asked, catching a glimpse of me in the moonlight.

"Oh it wound up in the lake while I was sleeping. I'll get it tomorrow. All I wanna do now is sleep."
CURTIS: Yes, because it won't wash away or anything.
KIRK: It's pointless pointing out flaws in logic at this point
RICK: It's easier to just point at the whole fic and leave it at that.

You're lucky bastard, we set your tent up for you," Kasey said playfully punching me in the shoulder
RICK: Comma: Grammar, a punctuation mark used to indicate a separation of ideas or of elements within the structure of a sentence.
CURTIS: At least he got the right use of your/you're, we can't expect much more than that.
KIRK: Not for this fic anyway, but if we have to do this AGAIN...
[Ominous music plays in the background.]
RICK: *shivers* that wouldn't be so scary if there wasn't a sequel to this...

"Thanks,"

That was all I said as we walked back to the campground. Neither of them seemed to notice I had some strange towel in my hands.
KIRK: Because secretly, they're both blind.
CURTIS: Or just REALLY imperceptive.
RICK: Either one would explain how they didn't notice the cousin down on the beach fooling around with a some strange guy
KIRK: Nah, we chock that up to the public fic sex invisibility cloak.
CURTIS: Harry Potter eat your heart out.

But oh well, as much as I love them, niether one of them is too perceptive.
RICK: I bet neither of them are, either.
CURTIS: I wish this guy was dyslexic, so there'd be an excuse for that.
KIRK: That sure would've saved us a few hours of pain.
RICK: Or created even more.
KIRK: I can't believe there is anything more painful than this.
CURTIS: Then don't read that box of notebooks at the back of the closet.

But that was the farthest thing on my mind, all I could think about was Jon, and getting able to see him again tomorrow.

© 2000 Triple X

KIRK: THE END! SWEET MERCIFUL GOD IT’S FINALLY OVER! *weeps with joy, hugging CURTIS*
CURTIS: *squirms, trying to push KIRK away, making a disgusted face* Then STOP torturing me!
RICK: *stands up, grinning evilly* I'll stop him...*grabs the folding chair, hitting
KIRK over the back with it, KIRK slumping down against CURTIS*
CURTIS: *shudders, shoving KIRK off of him, sending him tumbling onto the floor* Never tell anyone that he was laying on me. I'm going to have to burn my clothes now to hide the evidence.
RICK: *grins evilly, rubbing his hands together diabolically* Or we could do away with HIM? *nudges KIRK with his foot*
CURTIS: *eyes light up, grinning wickedly* Hey, he wanted to be Farrah Fawcett, we'd just be helping him on his way. Grab his head.

[RICK laughs, moving down to pick KIRK up by the shoulders, CURTIS grabbing his feet. Together they carry him out of the office, dropping him in the elevator, then sending it to the ground floor. Both walk back into the office, stopping at TRISH's speaker box.]

CURTIS: *rubs his hands together, as if brushing off dust* Well I think it's official now, boss. We need another angel.
RICK: *laughs, nodding* Yeah, can we make it not a Red Wing this time, too?
TRISH: {still from the speakerbox} *laughs* Will you let me get through my introductions then?
CURTIS: Can you make us non-fic mocking angels? Like regular spoof angels?
RICK: Ooh, or secret agent angels!
CURTIS: Ooh, or vampire slayer angels!
TRISH: *laughs* Hey, I just do what I'm told. Because you see, we ALL work for him. And his name is James.
[Ominous music plays in the background.]
RICK: *shakes head* I'm really not a fan of that music...
CURTIS: He's just playing it to scare us. He wouldn't make us suffer through another one of his fics. *pauses* would he?
TRISH: *laughs* I guess we'll see...
CURTIS & RICK: WHEN?!

[The Charlie's Angels theme music starts to play, and the screen goes black.]

THE END.

© 2005 Triple X