Original Date of Completion: October 2004

Rating: PG-13ish

Disclaimer: This is fake, and no offense is meant to anyone with the comments that appear herein. It's mocking ME brutally, and if I'm not offended, you shouldn't be either. I don't own Charlie's Angels, or any of the people in this fic. I do own the fic being mocked though, so don't steal or mock it without my consent.

Notes: The fic being mocked here is On the Banks of the Beach part 1. The mocked parts are in italics, and actually are the original text of the original OTBOTB. That was my first online fic, and it shows in the glaring mistakes that the characters will point out. I have progressed SO far, thank God *G*. The majority of this was written in late 2004, while the NHL was locked out, while Curtis was still property of Detroit, and before I had written the Director's Cut of OTBOTB.

Starring: Trish Stratus, Curtis Joseph, Rick Nash, and Kirk Maltby

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[The Charlie's Angels theme song begins to play as the scene opens in a luxurious office, totally empty. The camera pans the room for a moment, before stopping at a speaker and zooming in.]

TRISH: {From the speaker} Once upon a time, there were 3 hockey players who played in the NHL. Kirk, in Detroit.
[KIRK MALTBY walks into the room, waving before sitting down on a couch.]
TRISH: Curtis in Toronto...
CURTIS JOSEPH: *sticks his head through the door* It's Detroit now, actually...
TRISH: I block that out.
KIRK: *snickers* so do we...
CURTIS: *glares* you Hasek loving bastard, I ought to...
KIRK: *smirks* Lose in the playoffs?
CURTIS: *glares* kick you in the nuts, slutpuppy. *stomps toward KIRK*.
TRISH: [speaker flares with static] Angels, please! Kill each other on Detroit time, I'm trying do introductions here!
BOTH: *hanging heads* Sorry, Trish.
TRISH: *Clears throat* Now, since I was so rudely interrupted. Let's start back at the beginning. Once upon a time there were 3 hockey players who played in the NHL. Kirk AND Curtis in Detroit [KIRK and CURTIS nod at the camera] and RICK in Columbus.
[RICK NASH enters the room, sitting across from the other players, arching eyebrow at them]
TRISH: And they all became musi stuffed in a cold, dark closet. But I took them away from that, and now they work for me. My name is Trish.
RICK:: Um...who is she talking to?
KIRK: The people at home, kid, the people at home.
CURTIS: Assuming anyone reads this.
[Dramatic pause]

TRISH: *clears throat* Now, speaking of no one reading, it's time for your mission [Ominous music starts playing]
RICK:: *hesitant* That's never a good thing...
KIRK: *laughs* hey, like you playing defense
CURTIS: *smirks* or you at even strength.
[KIRK glares, crossing his arms over his chest in a pout]
TRISH: *sighs frustratedly* alright dammit, SHUT UP. You're my bitches, just sit there and look pretty.
RICK:: Weren't we supposed to be ANGELS?
KIRK: *grins* I wouldn't mind being her bitch...
CURTIS: *rolls eyes* she's not going to top you like McCarty and Draper
KIRK: *Glares* Like you can talk, you bottomed for Legace!
CURTIS: *glares* I was being a team player!
RICK:: *shakes head, snickering*
TRISH: *loudly* Damn you all! Shut up before I get pissed off!
[Silence falls over the room]
RICK:: *hesitantly* What happens if you get pissed off?
KIRK: *snickers* she puts you in the corner, kid. What the hell is she going to do, she's a speaker.
TRISH: *laughs* what am I going to do? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I'll SHOW you what I'm going to do, roll the damn fic!

On the Banks of the Beach by Triple X
Rating: NC-17

KIRK: Could that title possibly suck MORE?
RICK:: *arches eyebrow* weren't you in "Whore of Hockeytown"?
KIRK: *smirks* sure was, Astro Bunny.
[RICK blushes faintly, glancing away. CURTIS shakes his head.]

I couldn't believe it had finally happened.
KIRK: "I finally grew hair on my nuts!"
CURTIS: *laughs, shaking head* "After years of promiscuity, I finally caught the clap."
RICK:: *laughs* no way does he have an opening sentence like that and use the word "promiscuity".

My mother had agreed to let me, my cousin, and a mutual friend of ours, Kasey take our truck and go camping, alone. Without her.
RICK:: I liked your ideas better.
KIRK: That's quite the letdown from the opening sentence.
CURTIS: What he doesn't tell you is this guy is 47, THAT'S why that's supposed to be exciting.

Camping wasn't exciting as it was, but with my mom over my shoulder every second of every day, it only got worse. So this time we asked if we could go alone, and amazingly she said yes.
CURTIS: Said yes after we bludgeoned her with a hammer and sold her into slavery.
KIRK: *laughs* it's not quite so amazing someone says yes to something when being beaten with a hammer.

We decided to leave early Friday morning, so we would have time to set up our tents before dark. We piled the last bit of stuff into the club cab and were on our way.
RICK:: were they packing?
CURTIS: I don't think so, they're just taking the "last bit of stuff", which in this guy's fic is a few bottles of lube and no condoms.
KIRK: Who the hell owns a club cab now days anyway? How OLD is this?

All that was between us and the campground was 300 miles. But on a glorious July day, with my our respective CD collections to keep us company, the time would fly by.
KIRK: 300 miles?!? Ladies and gentleman, they're camping in Guam.
RICK:: But they're driving...
CURTIS: Do you really think that would stop that from happening in this fic?
RICK:: *winces* Good point.

The time did fly by. Maybe we drive too fast, but by 5:00 that afternoon we were pulling into the campground. We had driven straight through since leaving my house, only stopping once so I could piss off the side of the road.
CURTIS: 300 miles by 5:00, they're driving that new Chevy club cab JET.
KIRK: I really hope he didn't piss off the side of a jet.
RICK:: I kind of do
[KIRK and CURTIS turn to look at him, horrified looks on their faces.]
RICK:: *blushes* So he'd fall out of the plane! Jesus, I may've been the Astro bunny, but I'm not that sick.

And we all needed to stretch our legs. So we parked the truck, and Sara and Kasey started to walk down to the lake. I stopped and gave myself a quick glance in the truck mirror (I'm kinda vain, I ain't gonna lie to ya.)
CURTIS: I thought Kirk wasn't in this!
KIRK: *horrified* I'M NOT!
RICK:: Yeah, he lies about being vain.

My gel had long since ceased holding my spiky brown hair, So I dug in my bag, found my hat, then joined Sara and Kasey on the trail towards the lake.

"This place never changes does it?" Sara asked me as I caught up with them.

"Nope, doesn't seem to," I replied.

"Good, this place is classic, this is primitave camping, the way it was meant to be." Kasey explained, walking a little ahead of us.
RICK:: Are we to assume they've been here before?
KIRK: Yes, along with assuming what Kasey's sex is. Couldn't he have picked a more sexually evident name?
CURTIS: Careful, he named a guy Draven in one of his fics.

In case you couldn't tell from the name, my cousin is a girl. Kasey however, is a guy.
KIRK: Well, I can stop picturing Kasey as Rupaul now.
[RICK: and CURTIS turn to him, flashing confused looks]
KIRK: It was easier that way, I didn't have to pick the sex, it was just both.

Sara and I had always been incredibly close, since the time we were little little kids. And She and Kasey were also the only people alive who knew that I was gay. Well them and Will. And Will was the whole reason I was on this trip, to get away from that whole mess.
KIRK: Five bucks that Will is the cliche asshole ex-boyfriend that cheated on him, and now he's going camping to forget him.
CURTIS: Because God knows, a week in the wilderness with no TV, no internet, or no cell phones is the way to do that. Will just dumped him like a loser. What do you think, Kid? *turns to RICK*
RICK:: I'm still mesmerized by the stunning lack of punctuation in this, ask me later.

To summarize it quickly,
CURTIS: Thank God.

Will was this incredibly hot guy on my baseball team, who also knew I was gay, because he was too. And he had made it in no uncertain terms that he was interested in me. So we started "going steady,"
KIRK: Isn't that how it always happens? It's always the incredibly hot guy that is gay and wants you, never the ugly one with the body odor.
CURTIS: Don't complain about that, he could put either one of us with Hatcher.
[KIRK and CURTIS shudder, RICK laughs]
KIRK: Don't laugh, kid. Brathwaite and Spacek played for your team.
[RICK falls silent]

And one night I was staying at his house, and we started to fool around. But his mom walked in on us. Needless to say, she freaked, pulled him out of school, and told him he was never aloud to speak to me again.
RICK:: So he can't talk to him aloud anymore, they can still write letters, or talk telepathically. What a whiner.
KIRK: Just once, I want the mother to walk in and be like "Oh, my little boy is growing up, he's taking it up the ass! Floyd, get the video camera!"
CURTIS: Careful what you wish for, Malts, he's already put you with your brother once before.
[KIRK shudders]

I was heartbroken, the first guy to show interest in me, and I lose him. I was and still am I guess really depressed about it. But thankfully I had Sara and Kasey to help me through it.

When she had suggested to come here, I knew it was exactly what I needed. A few days away, to help me get my mind straight, well not straight, but you know what I'm talking about.
CURTIS: stupidest. line. ever. Does he really think that's funny?
RICK:: Probably. Remember, this guy created "Maltby Express".
[KIRK hangs head in shame]

The three of us had reached the lake, and took a seat on a pier sort of thing, that was really nothing more that a dirt hill that extended over the lake good enough to get a great view. I sat on the edge with my feet hanging over, just like I always had since the time I was 5 when we first came here.
RICK:: Ah, so they've been going there since they were 5...
KIRK: Of course, we don't actually know how old they are, so that could just be a year.
CURTIS: I told you earlier, he's 47.

The lake was beautiful, the sun hitting it just the right way, to make it look almost orange. Kasey took a seat next to me, with Sara on his lap. (By the way, Sara and Kasey are going out.)
KIRK: Well that's nice that he tells us that this far in.
CURTIS: Wow, this guy's a genius. I know I always get over heartache by camping with a happy couple. Good move!

We sat there for awhile, not really speaking, just enjoying our natural surroundings. It was Kasey who eventually broke the silence.

"Well, I think we should go set the tents up." He said, standing up and stretching.

"Yeah, your right," Sara said, being pulled to her feet by Kasey.

"You coming Cam?" Kasey asked.
RICK:: And 15 pages in, our main character gets a name.
KIRK: Am I the only one that hopes that's short for like, Cambodia?
CURTIS: Sadly, that wouldn't surprise me at all. This is a guy who thought Doyle was a good character name.

"Na, I think I'll stay here for a little while."

"All right," Sara replied

I watched the two of them walk back towards the truck the turned back towards the lake. I knew eventhough neither of them really set out to intentionally do it, I would be somewhat ignored all weekend. But I understood that, If I had a guy as cute as Kasey, I would ignore me too.
KIRK: Hell, I'm in a room with a bald guy, and a kid with chin pubes, and I still want to ignore him.
[RICK: coughs, covering his chin]
CURTIS: *Glares* at least people know my natural color.
KIRK: "Scalp" isn't a color, Curtis.
CURTIS: You son of an Ontarian bitch, I'm glad he put you with Chelios TWICE.
KIRK: *pouts* That's low, man. Really low.

There were times, ALOT of times, when I wished Kasey was gay. I could say he'd stepped out of my fantasies completely formed, if he wanted me and not Sara. 6'2 201lbs, of solid muscle I might add. Blonde hair, and the most beautiful green eyes I've ever seen.
RICK:: Two hundred and ONE pounds. That extra pound must be of some extra importance.
KIRK: Right, because when you're solid muscle, an extra pound matters.
CURTIS: I'm just kind of glad the green eyes weren't called "emerald" or "shimmering" or something equally as cliche.
KIRK: Nah, he saved up all of those to use on you, ol' blue eyes.
[CURTIS sighs, shaking his head]

That alone right there is my type, the blonde hair and green eyes. I've always been mesmerized by green eyes, even my own. But mine came along with brown hair, not blonde. But my eyes paled in comparison to Kasey's. He would be the perfect guy, because not only is he hot, but he's got a great personality. But I knew he was as straight as one could be, so I settled on friendship. And he seemed to make Sara happy, and as long as she was happy, so was I.
CURTIS: I think this might be the most pointless paragraph so far.
KIRK: Nah, I bet it's setting up for a nice plot twist. The cousin's straight boyfriend seduces him on the beach, then they run away together and live happily ever after, and we never hear another word from the cousin.
RICK:: I've read that somewhere before...

MYSTERIOUS COMMERICAL INTERRUPTION
TRISH: And this spoof is brought to you by "Love Takes Time" by Triple X, the story in which the dreamboat straight best friend falls for the loser gay guy, and they live happily ever after. Back to you, Angels!

As I sat there thinking of Kasey, I caught a glimpse of a total hotty, on the bank opposite of mine. Walking towards the water with towel in hand. So it was obvious he was set on a swim.
RICK:: *winces* Hotty, that's not a word that should be in fic. Especially spelled wrong.
KIRK: Why is it obvious he's going for a swim just carrying a towel? He could be going to the beach to tan.
CURTIS: the guy is probably going to skinny dip, otherwise he wouldn't be a "hotty".
KIRK: *Nods* right, ugly people don't get naked.

I turned my head to look at him, trying not to be too obvious. This guy was gorgeous. He had to be at least 6'4. His hair was the lightest brown before you could call it blonde.
KIRK: Hey, I wonder if that's scalp colored!
CURTIS: *hits Kirk with a pillow, holding it over his face* eat pillow, you two dollar dye job bitch!
RICK:: *laughs* actually, with his roots showing, that's probably more like Kirk's color...
KIRK: *tries to object, muffled by pillow*

I wish I could see his eyes, I remember telling myself. I couldn't help myself, I turned completely to look at him. But I couldn't help look at him, at his arms really, that was all that was really visable, besides his hair. This boy was built. His arms had to be at least 19"around, and that is just my guess. I couldn' wait for him to take his shirt off, hoping that the rest of him would be as chiseld as his arms.
RICK:: Of course he's built. Like scrawny, ugly guys get fic?
KIRK: *shoving the pillow away, gasping for breath* Curtis does!
CURTIS: *pushes the pillow back over Kirk's face, holding it there* I said EAT PILLOW, dye job!
RICK:: *shakes head* I don't know what's more sad, you two, or the fact that ARMS got a digit description in this.

And I was not disappointed. He stripped his shirt off slowly, almost as if he were teasing me.
CURTIS: Because he gives a shit that you're there, really.
RICK: Of COURSE, Curtis, you know the world always revolves around the main character.
CURTIS: *smirks* Dye Job is a living example of that.
KIRK: *lays silent, pillow still over his face*
RICK:: *Glances at KIRK, arching eyebrow* Or not-living example. I think we may need another angel.
CURTIS: *laughs* nah, we'll just pretend we're Jaclyn Smith and Cheryl Ladd when they added dead weight Shelley Hack to the cast.
RICK:...who?
CURTIS: *shakes head, grumbling* damn kids.

I got an instant hard on when I caught a glimpse of his chest.
RICK: *snorts* must have a good rack.
CURTIS: *snickers* well I wouldn't imagine it was covered in gnarly greying hair
RICK: Never know, he DID write Chelios...

That was another major turn on for me, guys with hard chests. That was a major thing I liked about Will, he had a great chest. I looked forward to the days we were be together, just so I could lay on his chest. And this guy, seemed to have a chest just perfect for cuddling with.
CURTIS: I'm starting to think Will is short for Wilma or something, as much as we're hearing about chests.
RICK: Since he's said he was a guy a few times in this, that's just FRIGHTENING.
KIRK: *writhing around on the couch, pillow still over his face, mumbling* Oh, Derian, you naughty boy...
CURTIS: Not nearly as frightening as THAT [RICK and CURTIS shudder]

I was still watching him as he dove into the water. When he came back up, was the first chance I got to get a good look at his chest.
RICK: First good look?!? What the hell were the previous 30 chest paragraphs about then?!
CURTIS: I bet the author doesn't even know.
KIRK: *still writhing, mumbling* Lewie? *giggles softly* of COURSE you can join in...
CURTIS: *twitches* I pray to GOD that it's never about THAT.
RICK: I'm starting to wish you'd held that pillow a little longer.

And it only made the hard on I had worse. If I were sitting in a less open area, I would've pulled out my cock (a hefty 6 in. cut) and jerked off right then and there.
CURTIS: *smacks forehead* whoever decided that there needed to be digit dick descriptions in fic should be SHOT.
RICK: I'm sure they have been, probably with some manjuice, or some seed, or spooge or...
KIRK: *still muffled beneath the pillow, moans, mumbling* love butter, please Derian, give it to me...
CURTIS: *twitches* this is cruel and inhumane, call the Muse Union.
RICK: *shudders* we don't have one...unfortunately...
CURTIS: Ah well, I think we'd be begging for a lockout there, too, after this.

But I decided to keep staring, implant his image in my mind, to jerk off later on that night I laid down on the bank so he couldn't see me, and continued to watch as he swam around.
CURTIS: And skinny dipping in 5, 4, 3, 2...

I must've gotten pretty comfortable, because I fell asleep. I was awoken by a voice standing over me. As I wiped the sleep from my eyes, I noticed it was him.
RICK: Boo, how DARE he avoid a cliche.
CURTIS: He avoids that one, but yet we have to hear about the guy's "hefty 6 in. cut"
KIRK: *shoots up, screams*
RICK: *jumps, arching eyebrow* 6 inches under his limit?
CURTIS: *snickers* either that, or he just re-read Whore of Hockeytown
KIRK: *twitches, whimpering* unclean...so unclean...

"You all right?" He asked me, standing next to me, towel hanging over his shoulder.

"Yeah, I guess I fell asleep," I replied, sitting up wiping my eyes.

"You been there long?" He asked, an unsure tone in his voice.

"I guess," I replied. "I've been asleep for awhile though," I said again, giving a quick glance at my watch.

"Oh cool," He said again. "I was afraid you might've saw me skinny dipping,"
CURTIS: Ha, and we thought he didn't use that one
RICK: We should've known better than that, the digits alone should've told us that no cliche would go untouched.
KIRK: *still twitching* He doesn't avoid every cliche. He lets ugly people get naked...
CURTIS: *laughs* he's got a point. Look how many times he's been with McCarty.

FUCK. I must've fell asleep right before the good part. I couldn't help but glance up at his dick, to see what I may have missed. And I was crushed when I saw, because from the looks of things, I missed a pretty BIG show.
KIRK: Maybe I haven't recovered yet, but I think he missed a perfect opportunity for a 3D there.
RICK: *laughs* are we calling it 3D now?
CURTIS: Makes sense, god knows how many more times we'd have to say Digit Dick Description.
KIRK: See, it saves us tongue strength...
RICK: *arches eyebrow* that we need for...
CURTIS: *snickers* more dreams
KIRK: *clamps a hand over CURTIS' mouth* that we'll need for mocking fic and nothing else. Nothing. Else. EVER.

"Skinny dipping?" I tryed to laugh. "You do that alot?"

"I guess," He replied. "I live in the cabin down the trail," He said, pointing towards the nearby trail. "So I come here to use this beach, so my parents won't see me,"
RICK: Because his parents are completely unaware of this apparent public beach 10 feet away.
KIRK: That he goes skinny dipping at DURING THE DAY.
CURTIS: It's probably after dark by now. You know the saying, time flies when you're writing bad porn.

TBC...

© 2004 Triple X

Continued In:

Part 2