Rating: PG-13
Original Date of Completion: October 2002
Disclaimer: I own no one. This is completely fake, and conjured in the confines of my demented little mind. I in no way condone the actions of the characters in this fic, so please don't sue me. It's all fiction after all.
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I talked to you the other day
Looks like you made your escape
You put us behind, no matter how I try
I can't do the same
Let me let go, baby
Let me let go
It just isn't right
I've been two thousand miles
Down a dead-end road
Let me let go, darlin', won't you
I just gotta know, yeah
If this is for the best
Why are you still in my heart
Are you still in my soul
Let me let go
Faith Hill "Let Me Let Go"
Used Without Permission
Teresa’s POV
Five years. Five years, and I still remember every movement, every breath, every word, just like it were yesterday. The image of him that night was forever burned into my memories. The sound of my heels clacking on the sidewalk as I walked away was on continuous play in my ears. And my heart...it forever stayed in that moment. The last moment I'd ever felt love was in the minutes before I walked away from him that night.
Year after year, I've analyzed what I'd chose. And each year, I came back with the same conclusion; it was a mistake. I'd made the biggest mistake of my life that night, choosing to walk away from him when I had no real reason to. I knew Robbie. He loved me as much as I loved him, with all of my being. He never would've stopped loving me because I'd lost the baby. But at the time, I was so scared. I felt like such a failure, like I'd done something to cause the miscarriage. I felt so alone. And I couldn't turn to the one person that I usually would, because I knew how crushed he'd be. So I turned to Francine, my best friend, for the comfort I sought.
I never received it. As hurt as I was when I'd went her, I was even more so when I'd finished telling her. Every word she spoke broke my heart a little bit more. She'd confirmed my worst fear; Robbie wouldn't love me anymore. That was really all it took for me to believe it. Maybe deep down I wanted to, I felt so guilty about everything. I took in every word Francine said, and the more I listened, the more I believed everything she said. Even as much as my heart told me not to, I listened to her.
The next night, I told Rob that I'd lost the baby. He looked so hurt, I couldn't even look at him. I knew that if I did, I would just break down and collapse into his arms, and be selfish and beg him to take my pain away. So I walked away. I walked away from Rob that night, not really expecting it to be a forever thing. I honestly figured that by the time I got home, Rob would be there waiting for me, and we'd talk everything out, and things would get back to normal. But when I got home, the only thing I was greeted with was a message from Francine. If I hadn't already been dead, her message would’ve killed me.
"Tree, I hate to be the one to tell you this. But I just got off the phone with Robbie, and...He wants you to quit. He said he never wants to see you again, and he's going to make sure that happens one way or another. He said if you didn't quit...he’d get Paul to fire you. I'm sorry,"
The beep of the answering machine was a fitting tone, like the beep of a flat line, signifying the end of my life. One by one, the remaining pieces of my heart hit the floor, shattering into irreparable fragments. Francine had been right all along, Robbie didn't love me anymore. He didn't even want to see me again. He wanted me to quit ECW, to leave the one place that had ever felt like home. I really was a failure. Not only had I done something to cause my miscarriage, but I'd done something to make Robbie stop loving me. I thought for so long that I'd succeeded in achieving true happiness. But I hadn't. Like so many other things in life, I'd failed.
The next day, I went to Paul, and I quit ECW. He begged me to stay, offered me so many things he could never really afford to give me, and so many times I wanted to say yes. But every time I got that urge, I bit my lip, and remembered Francines message. I let Paul have his say, but in the end I stuck firm to my decision, and he let me go without any more resistance. I apologized profusely through my tears, then walked away. I was becoming rapidly great at walking away from things I loved. Rob, ECW, in less than 24 hours. There was only one thing that I had left. I'd ruined my life in the past 24 hours, I figured I might as well keep it going.
I packed up everything I could fit into my car, and I left the city. I drove, and drove, until I reached my Grandfather's old farm in New Hampshire. From there, I put an ad in the Philadelphia paper, and subleted my apartment. That made my walking away complete. I walked away from my entire life, out of guilt, out of pain...out of shame. I was ashamed of everything, of losing the baby, of leaving Rob, of quitting ECW, everything. So I walked away, left my entire life behind, in hopes of starting anew. I left Beulah McGillicutty behind without even a glance back. I embarked on a new journey as just Teresa for the first time in years. And as I did it, I had only one wish; that Beulah McGillicutty didn't follow.
For the most part, she didn't. New Hampshire wasn't exactly a huge ECW state, so I went virtually unnoticed. I got a job at a small bookstore in town, making just enough to survive on, so some things stayed the same. Gram and Gramps had died years ago, but the farm remained in the family, so I was able to live there rent free, and all alone. Living alone again after so long took a little getting used to, but I began to love it in no time. It gave me the perfect opportunity to start a new life, just like I'd set out to do when I left Philadelphia.
There was only one problem that stopped that. My old life wasn't ready to leave. I could leave Beulah behind, and lose all the stress and pressures of her life. But the pain, that had happened to Teresa. And no matter how much I may’ve wanted to, there was no leaving her behind.
So my new life never really got to where I wanted it to. I always lived behind the pain, like a black curtain of secrets shrouding me from the world. The entire four years I lived on the farm, I don't think I ever had a friend, beyond the cats that hung around the barn. And even they just used me for food and a few scratches behind the ears. I became quiet, withdrawn, reserved, three things I'd never been. I was certain most people looked at me as the 'weird lady from the woods' but I didn't care. I was healing, from wounds so deep that industrial wire couldn't have sewn them up. If I had let someone in, the wounds could've festered, spreading until the pain became too much to handle. I shut myself off for good reason, to protect myself. I needed ample time to heal, to at least get past the throbbing pain and to a dull ache. In the end, that took me four years.
The day I realized I felt healed remains a vibrant memory in mind, a technicolor photo in a box of black and whites. It was New Year's Eve, and I was watching the celebrations from Times Square on tv. As the ball slid down, welcoming 2001, the realization hit me. And when it hit me, it hit me hard. It was like an overwhelming wave of a million different feelings. Sadness, anger, fear, longing. In a few short minutes, a dire need to live again burrowed its way into my heart. I knew what I had to do, I felt it in every fiber of my being. I had to reclaim my life, after four years I was finally strong enough to do so. After four years, I was brave enough to face my fears, and return to the city.
Albeit a different city. Philadelphia may've been where I left my life, but New York was my home. So that was where I returned to. It was a bittersweet day leaving the farm. I'd spent the majority of the last four years there, it was hard to say good bye. But with the two cats that decided to tag along, the fat one I'd named Paul, and the skinny one I called Fonzie, I'd always have a part of it with me. So with a tearless good bye, I locked up the doors one final time, hoping deep down inside I’d never return, but scared to death to leave.
But for the most part, the return to city life wasn't that difficult. It took a bit to get used to so many people again, after spending the last four years in almost total isolation, but I was able to do it without a freak out episode. I found the job at Falcone's not long after I arrived, and I'd been there ever since. My apartment was less than glamourous, but compared to a lot of other New York apartments, it was a palace. I settled back into my new old life rather quickly. And for the first time in a long time, there was a faint glimmer of happiness in my life. But always, there was something inside of me that prevented it from shining through.
I knew what it was, but for the longest time I refused to identify it. I liked to trick myself into believing I'd got past it, that I'd put him behind me, knowing full well I never could. You can't get past a situation you never got past. Nothing had ever been solved. The doors had been left wide open, a doorstop of fear and pain forever preventing their closure. I knew the only way that the happiness would ever shine through, was to close the doors, but I could never find the guts to even try it. There had been so many opportunities since I'd got to New York. WWE pay per views, or television tapings, numerous different places I could've approached him. I'd been at all of them, and one time, I'd even been right on the aisle as he walked down to the ring. I thought about standing, and letting him see me, but I never did. I was too scared. Not just of him seeing me, but of him in general. Because I knew Rob. And if he’d saw me, he'd want to talk, and achieve the closure he'd never gotten. And I, in all my fucked up splendor, was afraid of that, for two completely insane reasons. I was afraid of happiness. And deep down, I still didn't believe I deserved it.
In four years, the pain had dulled, but the guilt remained as strong as ever. Even now, another year later, it's still there. When I'd seen him tonight, I was instantly nauseous. The hurt in his eyes that I'd seen that night was still there. There wasn't a trace of my Robbie anywhere to be found in those eyes. He looked so shocked, so scared to be staring at me, my stomach knotted up at the sight. My pulse raced at unhealthy speeds, if Lance hadn't spoken, I probably would've passed out. So many times over the years I'd envisioned seeing Rob again, and telling him all the things that I'd always wanted to. But when that finally came to be, I could do nothing but stare at him, and pray to God that I didn't breakdown, or throw up on him. My mind screamed at me to talk to him, but the guilt sprang up each time and told me I didn't deserve to. The second of the voices won out, and I just wound up standing there, and acting like a normal waitress. I took their orders, and went about business as usual. In front of them. It wasn't until I went to the back that I let my emotions flow.
My body shivered from the emotions coursing through it. So many different feelings were hitting me all at once, each one demanding the most attention. I wanted to scream, and just beg them to go away, to disappear so I could pretend I never saw them. But I knew, deep down, that I could never do that. Because I knew what this meant. After five years, five years of avoiding everything about it, it would have to be confronted. The situation would finally have to be dealt with, there would be no copping out and running away, not this time. Robbie would demand it. And even as much as it scared me, I wanted to give him that. I'd done too much to him to deserve forgiveness. But he deserved closure. With everything that I'd done to him, that was the least I could give him. And who knows. Maybe I could gain enough from it to move past it myself, though I doubted that to the highest degree. What I wanted from Rob was forgiveness, and that was something I knew I would never receive.
It took me a long time to psyche myself up enough to tell him that we needed to talk. Too long in fact, as when I stepped back out into the restaurant, Dawn and Lance had already disappeared. But Robbie remained. Our eyes met across the room, sending my knees on a knocking spree. I had to grip onto the bar to keep myself steady. Our eyes never left each other’s for what seemed like an eternity. But in that time, a connection was made. A connection that I was sure the lines had been severed for so long ago. Without words, there was understanding. Understanding that a talk must be had, and it must be had now. I eventually nodded, and after another minute of our stares, he smiled, and walked out.
I waited another minute or so before I went to the table. Not to my surprise, there was a note there waiting for me. Rob's distinctive handwriting covered a crumpled paper towel sitting beneath a 20 dollar bill. I put the bill into my pocket, and grabbed the note in my hand. I stared at it silently, imagining his voice speaking the words written on it. I felt tears begin to prick at my eyes. I shook them off, and clenched the towel into my hand. It joined the bill in my pocket, to be stared at, and agonized over once I was safe at home. I cleared their table, and went on about the rest of my shift as a zombie. My thoughts were of only Rob, and what tomorrow could bring for both of us. After five years, the door could be shut. And maybe finally, I'd be able to let go. Let go of the guilt, let go of the shame, and finally, let go of pain. But even now as I sat at the coffee shop at the Fifth Street Best Western, I didn't know if I was ready....
"Teresa," His voice brings my eyes from the table.
He walks slowly up to the table, dressed in typical Robbie attire, black windpants and a black and silver windbreaker jacket. I flash him all the smile I can muster, and he does the same. A white rose is sat in front of me, instantly bringing tears to my eyes. I jam them shut, clenching my hand into a fist to make them go away. I hear his chair skidding across the floor, and his voice being cleared. I look up at him, and see a tear cascading slowly down his face. That nauseous feeling instantly returns with a vengeance.
"Thank...thank you for coming,"
TBC
© 2002 Triple X
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