How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up your cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm like holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on each side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow pill.

2.Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat in left arm. Repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of throat with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for the count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of refrigerator. Call spouse to help.

6. Kneel on the floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls coming from cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtains, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from floor and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it's head just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in the end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon and flick pill down cat's throat with a rubber band.

11. Get screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and get another one from bedroom.

12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tall tree across the road. Apoligize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to dining table leg. Find heavy duty garden gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order a new table.

15. Arrange for vet to make a house call.