The brush glided through her blond hair made of pure silk. He could sit for hours and hours brushing it for her if she would let him.
As he sat behind her, he recalled the time when she first came into his life. The moment he looked into her eyes, he knew that she was now the one thing he would always live his life for. The moment he touched her skin, he knew he'd die before he let anything happen to her. When her small hand first curled around his, he had to blink back the tears from his eyes. He couldn't tell her enough how much he loved her, how he'd always be there for her. She loved him no matter what he did. All he had to do was love her back --- something he wasn't sure he was capable of until he held her in his arms. From that moment on, he knew he'd do anything for her. All he needed in life was her undemanding love.
He pulled the brush through her hair one last time. Leaning forward he whispered in her ear, "All done."
She turned to face him, throwing her petite arms around his neck. She placed a sloppy kiss on his cheek. "Thank you Daddy."
JC stared into the eyes of his daughter, noticing the same twinkle that made him fall in love with her mother. "You're welcome sweetie." He kissed her nose, causing her to giggle.
"Daddy, you need to shave. It tickles."
"You know what else tickles?" He began to tickle her sides, causing her fall back on the couch. Her laughter filled the room, sounding like a choir of angels to him. She slithered off the couch, her four year old legs carrying her as fast as they could. JC chased her down the hall and into her room, grabbing on to the back of her nightgown and picking her up off the floor. She giggled as he flew her around the room, finally landing on her bed. He sat down on the edge and smiled at her. "Time for bed, sweetie."
She stuck her bottom lip out, pouting. "Can't I stay up a lil' bit past nighty-night time? Pweeease Daddy? I'll be good, I promise. I'll watch a movie or sumpin'."
Never being able to tell her no, he caved. "Fine, but your going to bed as soon as the movie is over. Got it?"
The excited child jumped up. "Yayyyy!" She ran into the living room and had a movie picked out before JC could make his way back down the hall. "Dis one Daddy, dis one." She held the tape out to him.
Taking it from her, he glanced at the cover. "Beauty and the Beast? Again?"
She nodded happily. He put the tape in and snuggled her in next to him on the couch, a blanket wrapped tight around her.
Within fifteen minutes, he heard her breathing heavily. He looked down to see her eyes closed and her tiny hands tucked under her chin. He slid off the couch and carefully picked her up.
Placing her in her bed, he kissed her forehead. "Goodnight lil' angel," he whispered. He flicked on the night light next to the bed, and made his way to the door. Stopping in the doorway, he looked back at the little girl lying in the bed. He silently thanked God for being blessed with such an angel, his reason for living.
Part two
"JC, you home man?" Justin called, coming through the front door.
"We're in here."
"UNCLE JUSTYYYY" Her small feet padded across the floor when he came in the room.
He scrouched down to meet her awaiting arms. "Hey Kiddo. Did ya miss me?"
"I always miss you Uncle Justy."
He smiled. "That's what I like to hear."
"Nicole, come clean up your toys now," JC instructed.
"Daaadddyyy," she whined.
"Don't 'daddy' me.. all you have to do is pick up your toys."
"He's a meany, ain't he?" Justin said, still scrouched next to her. "Always ruining our fun."
"Yeah," she pouted.
"Come on Nikki, just pick them up real quick and then you can play with Uncle Justin, ok?"
She looked to Justin. "You promise you stay 'til I done?" she asked, wide-eyed.
He winked. "I promise." He leaned over to whisper in her ear. "And I'll try to talk your dad into going out for ice cream later."
"Ice cream!!" she exclaimed loudly.
JC chuckled as he watched their exchange.
"Shhh...we can't let Dad in our secret yet."
She placed a tiny finger over her own lips. "I won't tell," she now whispered.
"Now go clean up your toys." She turned and hurried down the hall.
"So," JC began putting the dishes in the sink. "What brings you by here?"
Justin grabbed a few grapes from the fruit bowl on the counter. "I was wondering if I could borrow that blue shirt you bought last week?"
"Sure. What's the occasion?"
"I got a date," he said with a smile, popping a grape in his mouth.
JC shook his head and grinned. "I should have known."
"Man, when are you going to start dating again?"
JC gave him that 'you already know the answer' look.
"JC," Justin got serious. "It's been almost three years since Sharon died. Don't you think it's about time you got a life back?"
"No, I don't. Ok!" he snapped. "I'm not ready to start dating again." He sighed. "Everytime I look at another woman, I still see Sharon....the way she would laugh, or the way she seemed to light up a room." He twisted the dish towel in his hands, his eyes fixated on the floor. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to find that again." "You'll never know if you don't try. You're going to end up like that dude in Sleepless In Seattle," Justin laughed lightly at his own joke.
"Yeah well...let's just say that I understand where he's coming from." JC answered in a serious tone.
"Come on Josh. I know dozens of girls that would love to go out with you."
"First of all, I've told you repeatedly that I'm not ready to date again just yet. And second, if I was ready, I sure as hell wouldn't let YOU set me up with anybody."
"Hey! I have great taste in women." He pulled out his wallet, pointing to one of the pictures. "That's the girl I'm seeing now. Try telling me she isn't foine!"
"Yeah, she's pretty, but can you carry on a conversation with her? Or does my four year old daughter have a higher intelligence level?"
Justin mocked a smile. "You're just so funny.... Come on. Let me fix you up with somebody." He began flipping through the pictures in his wallet. Pick a girl, any girl...there's Rhonda, Laura, Crystal, Jessie....Ooohh, Veronica...."
JC shoved the wallet out of his face. "You just don't get it, do you?"
"Get what?"
"That I'm not looking for a new wife right now."
"Nobody said you had to marry a girl just because you take her out once or twice."
He dismissed Justin's statement as he continued. "Besides, I wouldn't pick somebody to go out with simply from a picture. When you meet someone, there's a certain excitement, you know? Everything just seems brighter all of a sudden. You get that not in your stomach when you see her. She can make you feel invincible and totally vulnerable at the same time."
"See," Justin wiped his hands on his jeans, "Marrying your high school sweet heart who happened to be your first real girlfriend made you too soft."
"It did not."
"Yes it did. Now you have this whole mind-set that you have to form this life long relationship with any girl you go out with."
"That's not it all. That's just not how I am."
"You just need to get laid," Justin laughed.
JC threw the dishtowel at him. "No I don't thank you. Unlike you, I don't feel right just using a girl for sex. And that fact right there is what makes me a man, and you just a boy."
Before Justin could retaliate, Nikki came running back into the room.
"All done Daddy," she yelled.
JC picked her up as she ran towards him. He looked to Justin. "She's another reason," he told him, a serious expression on his face.
Justin just nodded, knowing not to attempt to argue that point. .
"Ice cream now, Uncle Justy?"
He took her from JC's arms, smiling. "That was supposed to be our little secret."
"Oops," she shrugged.
"Come on man," he said to JC. "My treat."
JC grabbed his house keys off the counter and followed Justin. "I know it's your treat. You're the one that promised her ice cream."
Part 3
Justin pointed out a woman with long blond hair at the counter. "Look at her dude. She's bad."
"Justin, I told you that I'm not looking for....any....one....right....now....."JC allowed his sentence to trail off as he pivoted in his chair and his eyes fell upon her. If he didn't know better, he would have thought his heart stopped. She turned around at the same, laughing with one of her friends. She had an angelic smile that lit up her whole face, her eyes danced when she laughed. Time seemed to slow down to him. She appeared to move in slow motion, her head tossed back in laughter. JC was almost in a trance.
The woman and her friend sat down at a table a few feet away. He tried not to stare but he couldn't help it. Nicole pulling on his sleeve ripped him from his thoughts. "What' s the matter sweetie?
"I gotta go pottie," she whispered in his ear.
"Ok, come on. I'll take you." He began walking towards the bathrooms.
Nikki stopped dead in her tracks. "I don't want to got in there."
JC knelt down in front of her. "Why not? You said you had to go."
"But that's the boys bathroom," she said. "I'm a big girl now."
"I know you are, but I can't take you in there and you're not going alone."
She stomped her small foot, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm not going in the boy's room!" she declared loudly.
Her small outburst caused a few giggles from people sitting near. JC looked at a couple of the smiling faces, then caught eyes with the woman he was staring at moments ago. He gave an embarrassed smile, blushing slightly. "Sweetie, you have to go in there."
"No!"
"Please?"
"NO!"
"Please?"
He heard a chair scoot across the tile floor. Slender legs appeared next to him. "I can take her if you'd like," he heard a soft voice say. JC rose up to meet the eyes of the speaker. Again, time slowed down in his mind.
After a few seconds, he found his voice. "Oh, that's ok. She'll just go in the boy's room with me."
"NO I WON'T!"
The woman laughed at the small child. "Really, it's no problem." Before JC could decline her offer a second time, she stuck her hand out to the little girl. "Come on," she smiled. "Me and you, big girl's room."
Nikki happily obliged, sliding her tiny hand in the stranger's. JC watched them walk off together, not being able to stop the small grin from overcoming his lips. Once the door closed behind them, he made his way back to the table.
Justin smirked. "I'm so glad to see you're not ready to date anyone right now."
"What do you mean?" JC played dumb.
"You were totally checking her out. Dude, I was talking to you the whole time you were looking at her and you didn't even hear me."
His cheeks turned crimson as he shrugged. "She's attractive." He attempted to hide the fact that inside he felt like a teenager who just saw the Prom Queen walk down the school hall. JC continuously glanced back at the door.
~* In the bathroom *~
The mystery woman lifted Nikki up to the sink so she could wash her hands. She ripped a piece of paper towel, handing it to the girl.
Nikki wiped off her hands. "He was looking at you."
"Who was?"
"Uncle Justy."
A vision of the dark-haired blue eyed man came into her mind. "Oh he was, was he?"
Nikki nodded. "All done."
JC saw the Ladies' Room door open and his daughter slowly emerge from behind it. He stood up to greet the woman as she followed the toddler back to the table. "Thank you very much," he smiled at her.
"It's no problem."
"I...uh...didn't catch your name?" He offered his hand to her.
She took it happily. "Angie."
"Nice to meet you Angie. I'm JC."
"Uncle Justy, I need a napkin," Nicole had chocolate ice cream dripping down her hand. Justin reached across the table and wiped her hand off.
"Why the confused face?" JC asked upon noticing Angie's expression.
"I just ---I thought you were Uncle Justy."
JC gave a light laugh. "Nope. He's Justin," he pointed. He didn't tell her his relationship to the young girl, afraid of how she may react.
"I see that," she smiled. His heart burst as her whole face lit up with her grin. "She's adorable."
He glanced at her and that back at Angie. "Yeah, she is. Umm..." he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. "Could I umm...would you mind giving me your number so I could maybe call you sometime."
"I don't---"
He cut her off. "If you don't want to give it to me, that's totally fine and I totally understand being as we just met and haven't really talked and..."
She placed a hand on his arm as she giggled. "All I was going to say was that I don't have a pen."
He blushed. "Oh."
"But my friend might have one, hang on a sec." She walked over to her table and whispered something to the other young woman sitting down. She returned a few seconds later with a small piece of paper in her hand. "Here you go." She handed it to him.
He gladly took it from her and shoved it in his pocket. "I'll be sure to call you."
"You better."
"JC, I hate to break this up and all, but we gotta jet," Justin said. "It's getting late."
"Ok, I'll be right there," he said over his shoulder. Looking back at Angie, his heart melted. "It was *really* nice meeting you."
"Yeah," her smile was sincere. "You too."
He turned and followed Justin out of the small ice cream shop, Nikki in his arms.
Part Four
"I had a really great time tonight." JC stood on Angie's front porch, his thumb ran over the back of her hand. He felt nervous, apprehensive, tense. It hadn't felt this way since he was kid, a young teenager. There was just something about her, he wasn't sure what it was, but it made him feel young again. He had that 'happy-to-be-alive' feeling the entire time he was with her.
"Yeah," she smiled. "Me too."
That awkward moment fell between them. He wanted to kiss her, to feel her soft pouty lips against his, he wanted to run his fingers through her hair. He could only imagine how it would feel. Bolts of electricity ran through him from simply holding her hand in his, what it would be like to touch his lips upon hers, to feel her hands run through his hand.
But he knew, in the back of his mind that he couldn't...not yet. He wasn't ready for that level intimacy that he hadn't known in so long. He was afraid he would break open the flood gates to hundreds and thousands of emotions and sensations he'd spent the last three years avoiding at all costs.
Sensing that he was nervous or uncomfortable, she leaned into him, his strong arms wrapping around her small frame. His body stiffened, and then slowly relaxed as she made her way into his arms. She felt right being there, a feeling he could used to. And that fact, and that fact alone, scared him. Was he ready to have someone back in his life? Someone to hold, and cherish, and live each day for, other than his daughter? Was he ready to share that yet, was he ready to *need* someone again?
She brushed her painted lips over his cheek in a delicate fashion. She looked up into his eyes, and gave an understanding smile. She reached up and softly wiped the hint of lipstick off his cheek.
She knew. Somehow she knew. She didn't know what exactly happened, she didn't know his relationship to the adorable little girl in the ice cream shop, and she didn't know why he was hurting....or healing. But she knew that for some reason, something in his life that happened or is happening, was a lot to deal with for him. She knew that he needed to take things slowly.....almost as if he needed to remember how to live again....how to love again.
Her thumb lingered over his cheek, causing a very small smile to fill his face. A smile that almost said 'thank you.' "Goodnight JC," she said softly before turning to go into the house.
"Goodnight." He waited until he heard the click of the door before he floated back to the car.
"Mom," JC whispered, shaking her gently.
His mother slowly opened her eyes and sat up from her position on the couch. "You're home?" she asked, not really needing an answer.
"Yeah," he smiled at his half asleep mother.
She yawned. "How was your date?"
"It was nice, she's nice. I had a good time."
She patted his leg after he sat down next to her. "It's good to see you finally start putting some sort of a life back together."
"I do have a life Mom. That little girl in there," he pointed to a room down the hall. "She's my life."
"I know Joshy. She's your whole life right now. But you need to start dating again. Tonight was good for you...and for her. She needs a mother."
He shook his head. "I'm not looking for somebody to be her mother...I don't want anybody to replace Sharon. I want Nikki to know of her mother, what kind of person she was, how loved she was....I don't want her to *not * know about her, you know?"
"I know honey. I didn't mean to have someone to replace her mother, but pretty soon she's going to need a mother-type figure in her life. And this dear ol' grandma can only do so much."
"I know Mom...I know...."
"Daddy," a sleepy Nicole stood in the doorway. "Is that you?"
He got up off the couch and walked over to his half asleep daughter. He bent down and picked her up, kissing her forehead. "Hey Princess, " he whispered. "You should be in bed."
"I know, but I woke up and wanted to tell you good night." She rubbed her eyes with a tiny balled fist as she yawned.
"Well, that was sweet of you. I'm gonna say good night to Grandma real quick and then I'll come and tuck you back in, ok?"
Without an answer, she turned and walked back to her room.
JC grabbed a blanket and covered his mom up, a reversal of roles almost. "I have to go home, " she mumbled.
"Just crash here...I'll call Dad and tell him you're staying....thanks for babysitting tonight." He kissed her forehead.
"G'night sweetie."
"Night Mom."
By the time he reached his daughter's room, she was already fast asleep once again. He tucked the blankets around her tighter and ran a hand through her baby soft hair. He smiled as he listened to her rhythmic breathing. "I guess I owe tonight to you, don't I? If you weren't so stubborn, I probably wouldn't have had the nerve to talk to her." He kissed her cheek. "I love ya sweetie."
He glanced back at his little miracle sleeping in the bed before closing the door behind him. She truly was the real love of his life.
Part 5
"So...." Angie twirled the phone cord around her finger. There was something different in the voice of the man on the other end of the line.
"So..." he repeated, no real emotion in his voice.
She took a deep breath. "JC, is there something wrong?" she asked, afraid of his answer.
JC wasn't really sure how to answer her question. On the one hand, no, nothing was wrong. She was great and he liked her...a lot, a fact that sort of scared him and made him completely nervous. But on the other hand....on the other hand was the finger that used to bare his wedding ring, a symbol of the love he used to know, one that he hadn't completely let go of....one that he wasn't sure he ever could. "No, nothing's wrong....just a little tired that's all."
"Oh, " she accepted his answer, not fully believing it, "ok."
JC closed his eyes at the doubt in her voice.
"Hey JC?" she said in a tone as if she was lost in thought.
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah, sure, what is it?"
She opened her mouth to speak, but then decided against it. "Nevermind. Forget it."
JC half laughed. "No. Come one....you can ask me anything."
"No, forget about it. I think it was just a little too personal so I'm not asking."
"Ang," his voice was soft. "You can ask me anything... I don't mind...really."
"Well," apprehension filled her voice, "Were you like...forget it..."
"Ang!" JC laughed. "Come on, you can ask me!"
"Well, were like....hurt....in the past or something?"
JC drew in a breath at her question. Should he tell her? Did he want to tell her already? What if she thought it was too much to handle...what if she thought he was carrying too much emotional baggage? Then what? He liked her...so much that it scared the hell out of him. What if she just couldn't deal with it.
When he didn't respond right away, she immediately apologized. "See....I told you it was too personal...I'm sorry....I should have never asked." Her face blushed, even though they were on the phone.
"Don't apologize," he said after a few seconds. "It's ok...really...." He took a deep breath, attempting to calm himself from the millions of thoughts and questions running through his mind. "I just....I can't tell you."
"Oh." Her voice was filled with such disappointment.
"It's not that I don't want to tell you, I do. Just not yet, ok?" He asked with a hopeful tone.
"Yeah, ok." He could still hear the slight sadness.
"Ang, I *will* tell you. I promise. And don't think that it's something with you or about you, because that couldn't be further from the truth. It's just something that I'm dealing with right now...have been dealing with for awhile...And when I am ready to tell you, I will. Don't doubt that."
His words reassured her. "Ok...but just know that if you ever want or need to talk that I'm here for you, ok?"
He smiled at her sincere statement. "Thanks. We've got all the time in the world to spend together, so just know that eventually I'll talk to you about this."
"All the time in the world to spend together?" she said in an amused voice. "You're saying that but you never actually asked me out again, Chasez."
He smiled at the laughter in her voice. "There I go again, making assumptions." He cleared his throat as if he was about to make a speech. "Angie, would you please do me the honor of accompanying me a second date?"
She laughed. "With a proposal like that, how could I not?"
He laughed along with her. "Is that a yes?"
"Of course... So, when and where are we going out?"
"Nope...your turn...I planned the first date, it's your turn now." He joked.
"Oh yeah...you're date was tough to plan," sarcasm overtook her soft voice. "The first date is always the easiest because it's dinner and a movie everytime."
"Well, I guess with getting to plan the first date I got lucky."
"Yeah, you'll get luck all right," she mumbled, not meaning for him to hear, but smiled to herself when he did.
He laughed. "Oh, I'm getting lucky, eh?"
"You wish Chasez...you wish..."
"Why do you insist on calling me by my last name all the time?" he asked, not really minding.
"I don't know it just sounds cute."
Nikki walked in the room and JC held up a finger, motioning for her not to speak. "Umm... I forgot I had something to do in like ten minutes, so I gotta let you go. Ok?"
"Ok, talk to you later...bye."
"Bye." He smiled as he hung up the phone, her sweet voice still ringing in his ears.
"Daddy?"
"Whatcha need sweetheart?"
"Who were you talking to?"
"Just a friend."
"Do I know him?"
He pulled her up on his lap. "Actually, it's a her, she's a new friend of Daddy's."
"Oh, when do I get to meet her?"
It was a simple question that he didn't know the answer to. "I don't know sweetie....soon."
He wished in his own mind that he knew the answer to that question. Angie still didn't know that Nikki was his daughter, his whole life. She didn't know that the little girl was the main reason that he was so scared to get involved with her. What if they got a long relationship and it didn't work out? If Nikki was attached to her, it would twice break his heart to have to let Angie walk out of his life... It was a question he wasn't sure he could ever answer...or ever wants to....
Part Six
"Hey you," Angie smiled upon opening her door, revealing a devastatingly handsome JC.
"Hi," he returned the smile. "So, where are we going on this wonderful date you planned?"
"I was thinking maybe going to play putt-putt."
"Putt-putt?" he repeated.
"What's the matter? Afraid a girl will beat cha?" She joked.
"Oh that's it! It's on now. Prepare yourself for a very rousing game of miniature golf."
She laughed at his attempt to put his "game face" on.
"Let me grab my keys and we can go." She turned and walked into the house. That certain excitement he always felt around her had engulfed him in the two minutes he had been at the door. As quickly as that feeling returned, so did the doubts and questions in his mind. 'You're going to have to tell her soon...when will you? Will you have the guts to take that chance of possibly throwing away the greatest relationship you may ever have? What would do if she felt it was too much...too tough to deal with? Then what? Where does that leave you?
'Stop it Josh,' he scolded himself. 'Just enjoy the evening and deal with the problems later.' But he knew in the back of his mind that it wouldn't happen, not until he knew for sure how Angie would react to his having a child.
"Ready?" she returned to the door, keys in hand.
"Yeah, let's go."
***
"WOOHOO....beat that Chasez!!!!"
He playfully rolled his eyes as he laughed. "You got a hole-in-one and all of a sudden your Tiger woods?"
She bent down to pick up her ball. "Sure...go ahead...make jokes to cover up the fear that I'm beating you!"
"Oh yes," sarcasm filled his voice. "I'm totally afraid that I'm going to be humiliated in the vicious game of putt-putt!"
"You know it." She walked ahead to the next hole.
He watched her walk away, wanting to stop her, take her in his arms, and kiss her like she's never known. He dropped his eyes, knowing that he wouldn't be able to bring himself to do it just yet.
"Well looky what we have here," Angie totaled up the scores after the eighteenth hole. "Guess who's three under par, and guess who's four over?" Her eyes laughed when she did.
"Let me see that." He took the card from her hand. "You must have added these up wrong or something."
"No I didn't. *JC got beat by a girl....JC got beat by a girl,* " she jokingly sang.
"You just got lucky that's all."
"Uh-huh...sure....that's exactly it."
JC unlocked the car door. "So...where now?"
"Ice cream!"
"Do you always do little kid stuff on dates or am I just special?"
She laughed. "You're just special!"
**
They sat across from each other at a small table in the same ice cream shop they'd met just a short week ago. She watched the strangers of the world pass by the large glass window that covered the front of the shop.
"Ang?" JC soft voice pulled her from her thoughts.
She glanced back at the man sitting across from her. His face looked a little older than it did just moments ago . "Is something wrong?" The lines of his face seemed intensified, his eye brows furrowed, he ripped the napkin in his hands into small minute pieces.
"We need to talk." His eyes still concentrated on the napkin. She shifted nervously in her chair, not responding in any other way. He took a deep breath, attempting to calm his nerves, to stop the flip-flop feeling in his stomach...it didn't work. "Well... you....you know the other day...on the phone...."
She nodded her head as he attempted to piece together a sentence.
"You asked me if I was...umm...if I was hurt or something in the past... and....and..." He trailed off, his voice sounding weak.
Again, she nodded, encouraging him to continue.
He rested his elbows on the table, running his trembling hands over his face, he exhaled loudly. He dropped his hands to the table, striving to speak, but couldn't find his voice.
Angie reached across the table and placed her hand atop his. Her voice was so soft and gentle. "Josh, you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to. You told me that you'd tell me eventually and that's ok with me. I know that when you're ready to tell me you will...whenever *you* are ready."
He watched her hand lie on top of his. The diminutive gesture felt so intimate to him. He knew, in that moment, that he had to tell her....he *wanted* to tell her. Taking her small hand in his, he shakily held it close. "I need to tell you..." his voice was rickety. "I need to tell you...now."
She studied his face as he spoke.
"Remember the day we were here, when we met? The little girl...." He took another difficult breath. "That little girl...Nikki's my..." he forced himself to finally utter the words. "She's my daughter...."
