Author's Note: Er...not much to say, really. But the smut will return, I assure you, even if things look bleak now...

Previously: Buffy and Spike fell in love while under Jonathan's spell. Unfortunately, they both turned into dumbasses the instant it was broken and yelled at each other. But they both still harbor secret crushes. However, Buffy still had the common sense to dump Riley, but he's a clueless moron and thinks she's just traumatized 'cause she had sex with Spike. Puh-lease?! Like every single straight female and gay guy (as well as many gay females and straight guys...) doesn't fantasize about doing Spike 24/7! The rest of the Scoobs are kinda trying to get Buffy and Spike to talk again, 'cause they know that they're still desperately in love, but Buffy and Spike both really are hopelessly stubborn...

Buffy took a deep breath, straightened her blouse carefully, ran a nervous hand through her hair, and took another deep breath. She’d been repeating this pattern non-stop for about fifteen minutes now. And she was quite convinced she could go on for hours. Maybe all day. Well, until the sun set at least… Then she’d be in trouble of the most humiliating sort.

Once again she raised her hand to knock at the door of the crypt…and then she lowered it. Can’t knock, she reminded herself. I *never* knock. If I knock, then he’ll know something’s up, and that I still have feelings for him, and then he’ll mock me, and the world will end.

In conclusion, her mind provided, don’t knock.

She raised her foot to kick the door in. Can’t kick the door in, she reminded herself. I *always* kicked the door in back when we were enemies. If I kick the door in, then he’ll think that I still hate him, and it’ll be like I’m pretending that the best night of my life never happened, and I’ll be lying to myself and to him.

In conclusion, don’t kick the door in.

At about this point, logical reasoning decided to come back from wherever it went on vacation whenever Spike was the topic of thought. But, it provided, if I can’t knock, and I can’t kick the door in, then I can’t possibly get inside Spike’s crypt… Shit! She was stuck in an endless feedback loop, and she knew it.

Slayer’s outside, Spike thought. I can hear her. I should probably open the door…

No! The ‘Big Bad’ in him quickly countered. Can’t be polite. Then she’ll think you’re even more of a useless wanker than she does already…

But, there’s a beautiful, lickable Buffy out there! His sex drive pouted. All hot and bothered and…and…Buffy!

So, let her come to you, the other side argued. She’s the one who pulled away first, and said you were disgusting. Let her grovel.

Warm and soft and tight and fiery! His jeans were starting to chafe right about now. And she said she loved me! She said it! A hundred twenty years and she’s the only one who ever—

Stop it! Stubborn pride spoke up once more. Besides, it’s *daylight* out there. She’ll probably take the opportunity presented her and set me on fire.

Right, then, he gulped unnecessarily, not gonna open the door…

He listened to the sounds of pacing outside and occasionally even caught a hint of Slayer musk.

Slayer’s outside, he repeated to himself. I should probably open the door…

It was one of those things that got so ridiculously out of hand that by the time the door finally opened and Buffy finally entered, neither was really sure of who had made the first move.

They just kind of stood there for a minute, gaping slightly, each trying to fight the urge to tackle the other to the floor and make wild, passionate love. Out of reflex, they both resorted to their favored method of handling these kinds of situations: turn completely and utterly assholic.

“Here’s your stupid chair,” Buffy said, shoving the piece of furniture Oz had left behind into the crypt. “And your stupid duster.” She threw the jacket down onto the floor, but Spike’s hand swept forward in time to catch it and when he looked up at her again, his eyes were flashing yellow. “And your stupid money,” she finished, tossing the crumpled bills onto the floor. “That settles everything,” she added coldly.

“’Less you wanna help me break the new livin’ room set in,” he taunted, giving her the once over and then snorting as if displeased with what he saw.

“You’re a pig, Spike,” she hissed, her eyes narrowing. “God, you’ve got to be the most annoying thing on this planet. I’m just glad I’ll never have to see you again.”

“Thought it turned you on when I was all annoyin’,” he countered viciously, intentionally blowing out a stream of smoke on her from his newly lit cigarette.

“That was a spell,” she snapped back instantly. “There’s nothing you could ever do that would turn me on. You’re revolting.”

“Din’t seem to think so when you were screamin’ out my name,” he retorted. “ ‘Oh, Spike!’,” he mock-imitated her voice. “ ‘Yes, Spike! You’re so good, Spike! You’re the best I’ve ever had, Spike! Oh, please let me drink you down, Spike!’”

His little tirade stopped abruptly when Buffy’s fist hit him squarely in the jaw.

“You’re…worthless,” she finally hissed. “You’re nothing but a useless, neutered vampire. I could dust you right now, and no one would care. No one would ever care, Spike, because no one’s ever going to love you,” she bit right back, using his own worst fears against him.

For a second, his eyes seemed to water, and she felt a sharp stab in her gut at the thought that he was hurting, but just as quickly as the emotion had appeared, it vanished again.

“So speaks the only slut in th’ world that’s not worth a second go,” he said icily. Hell, two could play the ‘pick at insecurities’ game.

Buffy bit back the sting of his words, and for a second his eyes softened when he realized in horror what he’d just said. By the time she turned back to look at him, though, they both had their indifferent masks on again.

“You’re nothing,” she spat. “And, really, you’re one to talk. After all, all you’re good for is as a cheap Angel replacement.”

This time her jaw snapped shut with the force of his punch. Unfortunately, the effect was entirely ruined by the fact that he fell to the ground screaming in pain and clutching his head.

“See?” Buffy said before stepping out into the light. “You’re pathetic.” And with that, she slammed the door shut behind her.

Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god…

Buffy’s mind went into overdrive the instant she’d left Spike behind, and she tore through the cemetery, crying as she went.

He loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he *said* he loved me! How could he say those things… No! He loves me! He has to love me…because I love him so much. Oh god, Spike, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you…

“Buffy,” Spike whimpered softly when he finally overcame the pain in his skull. “Buffy, please come back,” he whispered. “I love you. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean it, luv. I didn’t mean it…”

Needless to say, Riley couldn’t have possibly picked a worse time to continue his plan of winning Buffy back to the Side of Light. He dropped to his knees before her when he saw her approach and prepared to give the speech he’d composed about how he could once again make her the wonderful, pure woman she’d been before Jonathan’s unfortunate spell had allowed that monster to sully her untainted virtue.

He got a black eye for his troubles before he’d even managed to say a word. By the time he’d recovered, she was long gone. He sighed and shook his head in regret, determined to save his ladylove from a fate worse than death no matter what the cost…

“I hate him!” Buffy hit the punching bag one last time for good measure. “I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!”

“Uhh…” Xander began confused. “Who exactly are we talking about here?”

“Riley,” she informed him. “And Spike. But most especially Riley.”

“Hold on,” Xander held his hands up defensively when the brassed-off Slayer suddenly turned to look in his direction. “Let’s just take these one at a time. First off: you hate Spike? Since when?”

“Since I fell in love with him,” she huffed, crossing her arms in front of her chest defiantly. She was going to be illogical, dammit, and everyone else better like it or else…

“Okaaay,” Xander wisely realized that this wasn’t a good time to call her on how little that made sense. “But, seriously. This morning you were all with the excitement to see Spike, and now you’re…uh…” She gave him a Look. “So, what happened?” he hastily amended.

“We met. We fought. I hate him,” she insisted.

“Yeah…see, that’s where I’m confused…”

“Why?” she said disinterestedly. “That’s what always happens when we meet.”

“Yeah, except this time it was supposed to be ‘you met; you kissed; you love him’,” he pointed out.

Buffy bit her lower lip and hit the punching bag a few more times. “Yeah, well…” she began sheepishly.

“Buffy?” he asked accusingly.

“I…er, kinda just started yelling at him, and then he started yelling, and there was this whole big yelling mess,” she flinched slightly at the memory. “I froze,” she confessed. “Oh god…I completely blew it! The things I said to him… If he didn’t hate me before, he sure does now. Hooray, Buffy. Way to ruin another relationship…”

“I’m sure he doesn’t hate you,” Xander reassured her, patting her shoulder comfortingly. “He’s probably just…really pissed off…”

“Yeah, well, I’m pissed off, too,” Buffy insisted stubbornly. “Just because I started it doesn’t mean he had to continue it.”

“Yeah, I mean, any normal guy would have just gone and confessed his – literally – undying love for you after you screamed about how much you hated him,” Xander retorted sarcastically.

Buffy groaned and let her head fall in her hands. “I’m doomed,” she sighed. “Every time I see him I just…” she trailed off abruptly when she noticed that Xander was listening just a bit too closely, a slightly glazed look in his eyes. “…Want to do things that I only discuss with my girl friends,” she finished with a triumphant smile when she saw Xander’s expression fall.

“Er…uh, yeah,” he said, blushing terribly and nervously scratching his head. “So…do you think you could elaborate on those things?” he abruptly let out in a nervous rush before slapping himself in the face. He so had not meant to say that… “So I can…uh, advise you on whether or not to act on these urges,” he hastily amended. Ooh, good save! He patted himself on the back.

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Anya-esque things,” she clarified.

“OK,” Xander nodded, “a word of advice then: the words ‘copulate’ and ‘interlock’ just don’t help the mood any.”

Buffy giggled before she could remember that she was supposed to be mad and sulking.

“Ha, see?” Xander said. “Things not entirely hopeless in Spike-ville yet.” He paused for a second. “ ‘Fornicate’, too,” he added. “Just sucks the romance right out of the room…”

She punched him playfully in shoulder, and he felt obliged to say ‘ouch’ even though she’d barely even brushed the fabric of his shirt. Even the thought of being mock-punched by the Slayer hurt.

“So, you really think we’re not totally doomed yet?” She bit her lip nervously.

He shrugged. “As long as you don’t go making with the ‘Oh, how I hate Spike; let me count the ways’ every time you see him…”

“Point taken,” Buffy agreed.

“Moving along then,” he said, proud of himself for actually cheering his friend up, “what’s Riley done now? I thought you’d gotten rid of him forever.”

She groaned. “So did I. But he’s not going away nicely. He just doesn’t get that it’s over.”

“And have you tried a restraining order?” Xander joked.

Buffy laughed. And then sobered up a bit. “Actually,” she said thoughtfully, “that’s not such a bad idea…”

“And Xandman is two for two,” Xander cheered. “Quick: ask me how to bring peace to the Middle East.”

She looked at him askance.

“Hurry,” he insisted. “I’m on a roll.”

“You do know what you’re doin’, right Red?” Spike asked nervously as he watched various bundles of herbs materialize from the bag Tara was holding.

Willow nodded reassuringly before frowning at the jar she held in her hand. “At least, I think so…” she added.

Spike twitched on top of the stone sarcophagus. Maybe volunteering for the Wiccas’ little experiments hadn’t been such a good idea after all…even if it did provide him with the money for smokes and blood…

“You’ve got the cash, right?” he demanded.

“Y-Yes,” Tara flashed him a shy smile.

There was silence for a while. Spike shifted uncomfortably and listened to the Wiccas’ whispered argument about whether to use wolfsbane or ivy. They obviously weren’t aware of the fact that he could hear every single word they said, and it made him even more nervous than before.

“OK!” Willow finally announced when they’d mixed together several herbs to their satisfaction and successfully ground them up. “We’re ready.”

“Right, then. So what do I ‘ave ta do?” he demanded.

“Y-You should sit at the center of the circle,” Tara informed him, gaining more confidence in her speech as the topic turned to something she was comfortable with.

He quirked an eyebrow at her before slipping of his duster and carefully making his way to the center of the chalk outline that know decorated the earthen floor of his crypt. Hell like he was going to risk his precious leather to these two’s dabbling…

“OK, this is what’s going to happen,” Willow informed him as he sat facing her. “We’re going to complete the circle, and then we’re going to a bit of summoning. Hopefully, that’ll infuse the herbs with Second Sight. Then, they should react to you in some way ‘cause you’re a demon and all…”

“ ‘In some way’,” Spike repeated anxiously.

“We think they’ll just glow a bit and hover around you,” Tara added helpfully.

“They’re not gonna turn my nose pink again?” he demanded of Willow.

“There should be no color changes this time,” she assured him. “We altered that part.”

He raised an eyebrow in inquiry when she didn’t finish the list of promises.

She sighed. “And there will be no explosions, loud noises, terrible lingering stenches, or sudden bursts into flames,” she quickly covered all their past errors.

“There’s jus’ no way ‘m gettin’ paid enough for this,” he grumbled under his breath before agreeing that she could continue.

They did that dull and repetitive Witch chanting and meditation stuff that had almost defeated him whenever he’d dabbled in magic. Even just watching it made him bored out of his mind, and by the time all the standard incantations were over, his foot was shaking back and forth in spasms with pent up energy.

Willow crossed her fingers as Tara took a pinch of the powder, raised it over Spike’s head, and then released it. It sort of floated around in the circle for a little while before falling unceremoniously onto the floor.

Spike let out a sigh of relief. At least things hadn’t gone spectacularly wrong this time.

Willow frowned, and she and Tara quickly dispersed the magic, allowing Spike to run over to his jacket for a badly needed cigarette. He watched disinterestedly as they argued over what ingredients had caused the spell to fizzle out this time.

“Don’ see why you bother anyway,” he finally commented, taking a deep drag of smoke into his lungs and holding it there for a few seconds before he exhaled. “I mean, ‘s not like unknown demons ‘re gonna just sit there while you do all the incantations an’ whatnot.”

“O-Once we get the spell right, we’ll be able to adapt it for faster identifications,” Tara clarified.

Spike snorted back a laugh and took another puff of his smoke.

“It would be very useful to Buffy,” Willow insisted, annoyed at his dismissive attitude.

“Yeah, ‘cause she ‘as such problems findin’ demons as is,” he retorted, snuffing out the cigarette on his boot.

Willow bit her lower lip and scowled a bit as she put away the rest of her equipment. “Don’t see why you’re in such a grumpy mood,” she muttered under her breath. “After all, it’s not like Buffy thinks you’re useless…”

Spike’s head snapped up instantly, the words sounding frighteningly familiar. “What?” he demanded, icy blue eyes holding her firmly in place.

Willow squirmed a bit but finally spoke. “It’s just that Buffy’s been needing me less and less lately. For the Slaying, at least. First, she had Riley, and now there’s you, so I guess I just go back to being plain, ordinary Willow again…”

“Me?!” he asked in disbelief. “Why on earth d’you think ‘d help that bitch?!”

Willow looked up at him in surprise, then looked at the duster he was wearing and the chair Buffy’d acquired for him. “I-I just thought…” she began nervously. “Buffy did come to talk to you today, didn’t she?” she finally demanded, concerned.

He snorted. “Yeah, t’yell at me an’ tell me just how useless I was,” he retorted, lighting another cigarette. There was no way he had enough. He needed to get hold of some hard liquor and fast. Which meant he needed money, and… Hey! “You gonna pay me or not?” he demanded, holding out his hand and rubbing his fingers together.

“Oh, right!” Tara exclaimed, suddenly remembering. She dug another in her bag and found the bills she’d promised him.

He studied them intently for a second as if they would give him counterfeit money before counting it and sliding it into his duster pocket.

“Buffy said that?” Willow said in surprise, still stuck on what he’d said a few sentences back.

“Says shit like that all the time, your dear li’l Slayer friend does,” he replied bitterly.

“Oh.” Willow’s eyes widened. “Oh!” she repeated a bit more alarmed. “We, er…uh, have to go now. Bye, Spike!” she said quickly before grabbing Tara’s hand and practically fleeing from the crypt.

“Witches.” Spike rolled his eyes before laying back down to sleep and hopefully not dream of the One Night That Changed Everything…

Buffy smiled smugly when she opened the manila envelope that had been left on her bed with ‘Top Secret: For Elizabeth Summers’ Eyes Only’ stamped on the front. She read over the first few lines just to make sure everything was in order:
 

“Nice to know that Riley’s officially sane at noon a year from now as opposed to at, say, ten o’clock in the morning,” Buffy rolled her eyes. “And heaven forbid I should see all those boring, worthless numbers that are blacked out!” she added sarcastically. “This is a matter of national security, people!” She chucked the paper and the envelope in the trash basket. “Losers.”

She brushed her hands off satisfactorily, knowing that one Agent Riley Finn wouldn’t be back for a good, long time…

Next Chapter:
    Dammit, if they have to make Buffy and Spike have sex, then that's just what the Scoobies'll have to do. ~_^

Yes, gentle reader, the angst in this story will end with the next chapter. And Riley is really and truly gone for good. Hooray! Two for the price of one. ~_^ So, you'd better review...