SERIES 5
EPISODE 1 - ASLEEP IN THE DEEP
The pumping station, which Walker and Godfrey are guarding, gets hit by a bomb. The platoon go to help, and, after they manage to wake Godfrey (who has been taking sleeping tablets), the whole platoon are trapped by a fall of debris. Suddenly, the water pipe bursts, filling the room with water. Jones attempts to turn it off, but has no luck. When the platoon are near to drowning, Godfrey sees a manhole by which they can escape. Just when that's over, they find the door to the room they are now in has been shut, and they can't get out. The only way out is for someone to go back through the manhole again and open the door.
EPISODE 2 - KEEP YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL
It is criticised by Parliament that the platoons are full of old warhorses, whilst the younger, fitter fellows have joined the ARP. It is agreed to exchange the men, and, an official from Area HQ will go to a parade and select the ones to be transferred. The Walmington platoon make every effort to make themselves look young and fit - Mainwaring buys a toupee, Wilson wears corsets, whilst Jones, Frazer and Godfrey have themselves beautified by Frazer's substances usually reserved for the departed. Meanwhile, Hodges, who doesn't want to join Mainwaring's platoon, gets Walker to sell him some hair dye, which is really ceiling paint, to make him look old. At the parade, no-one is selected to join the ARP, but afterwards, it starts to rain, washing the stuff off Jones, Frazer and Godfrey's faces.
EPISODE 3 - A SOLDIER'S FAREWELL
At a visit to the cinema, Mainwaring is disgusted that he's the only person to stay for the National Anthem. On the bus back, he orders the men to let him get off first, and all leave in single file, but Hodges soon leads them astray by saying the pubs will be closing soon. He also takes a bit of a fancy to the Clippie. Back in the church hall, he makes the men stand to attention during parade, while the National Anthem is played six times. This has the vicar rising from his chair, which, when the National Anthem finishes, Mainwaring sits in first. He finishes the night off by having a cheese supper with Wilson and Jones. After going home to bed, where his wife is already asleep, he dreams he's Napoleon. Wilson is Wellington, and the other platoon members are other soldiers, and his lady to whom, she says goodbye to is the clippie, whom when he hands her a photograph to remember him by, she clips it. When he awakes in the morning, he finds a note from his wife, asking why he was late back, and that she isn't talking to him today.
EPISODE 4 - GETTING THE BIRD
Wilson has gone missing. Godfrey last saw him with his arm round an attractive blonde, whilst Pike says he was thrown out of the house. While Mainwaring is telling the platoon about a voluntary church parade which he expects the platoon to attend on Sunday, he hears a groan, and finds Sergeant Wilson drunk behind the stage curtain. Meanwhile, Walker supplies Jones with 250 pigeons to aid his meat supply, but Jones throws them back at him after hearing news reports about a mysterious loss of pigeons from Trafalgar Square. Walker manages to stash them away. Meanwhile, when Jones learns that the final hymn on Sunday will be 'Onward Christian Soldiers', he volunteers to play it on the organ. That Sunday, the mystery concerning Wilson is cleared up - the mysterious blonde is his daughter, which Frazer promises not to tell anyone. Just before the last hymn, Walker realises Jones will be playing the organ, and panics, because, as he reveals to Pike, he's hidden the pigeons in the pipes. He tries to stop him, but Mainwaring won't let him out of his place, and, after the verger struggles to pump the air, pigeons suddenly pop out of the organ pipes.
EPISODE 5 - THE DESPERATE DRIVE OF CORPORAL JONES
After the platoon practise their house-clearing drill for a divisional scheme, and accidentally injure the vicar, the verger and Hodges, Mainwaring tells them about the task of denying a deserted barn to the enemy. Jones takes down the map reference, but he and Godfrey mix it up, and Mainwaring ends up taking position in a barn which is the target for some 25 pounders. When Jones and Godfrey, who are occupying HQ, realise the mistake, Jones realises he will have to drive two cars down to the barn, and drive the platoon away quickly. Meanwhile, while the platoon send a smoke signal to Jones, telling him of their arrival, Mainwaring's overcoat gets damaged. Jones arrives with a minute to spare, and the platoon drive a safe distance away, and take cover. After watching the barn being blown up, Mainwaring complains that it has ruined his battledress, and Wilson tells him it was a good job he weren't wearing his overcoat.
EPISODE 6 - IF THE CAP FITS...
After Mainwaring gives a slide show, Frazer finally complains to Mainwaring about irrelevant lectures and time being wasted. Mainwaring agrees to let Frazer take over the running of the platoon for a few days, where the power soon goes to his head. Wilson and Jones get their positions taken off them, whilst Walker and Pike get promoted to Sergeant and Corporal. One evening, the new Major General, who's taken over command, arrives at the church hall office, and discusses his progress with Frazer. Thinking he's Mainwaring, invites him along to the forthcoming Highland get-together, and asks him to play the bagpipes. Eventually, Mainwaring slips back into his role of captain, unaware of his task of having to play the bagpipes at the Highland dinner. Frazer doesn't manage to explain the situation to him until the last minute, and he goes on about how Mainwaring's doomed, but when he plays the bagpipes with consummate ease, quickly tells Mainwaring he never doubted him for a whole minute, and prays for forgiveness.
EPISODE 7 - THE KING WAS IN HIS COUNTING HOUSE
Mainwaring holds a party at his home, where everyone is allowed to call people by their Christian names (apart from Pike). While Hodges enters, complaining that he'd been showing a light, three bombs land, which Hodges discovers were on the allotments, the taxi garage, and the bank! The guests all have to help count the money, which will be transferred to the Eastgate branch the next morning. As the taxi garage is out of action, Walker agrees to arrange some transport for him. After a night of counting, Mainwaring takes the money (in a laundry basket), on, what he discovers, is a horse and cart, after Walker couldn't get any petrol. The platoon, as armed escort, giving maximum security, follow on their bikes, and suddenly notice the money flying out of the basket. Mainwaring doesn't notice this, and Pike has great difficulty in attracting his attention.
EPISODE 8 - ALL IS SAFELY GATHERED IN
Godfrey requests three days leave to help longtime friend Mrs. Prentice with her harvest. Mainwaring, realising the importance of the task, gets the platoon to help harvest her 100 acres. Meanwhile, Hodges, who was nearly killed by a bomb, thinks God's given him a second chance, and tries to get on with Mainwaring. After the harvesting is a great success, the platoon celebrate with too much potato wine. The vicar then holds a service to bless the harvest, but it's rudely interrupted by the scuffle of the drunken congregation, and even Hodges is back to his old self with Mainwaring.
EPISODE 9 - WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE YOUR MONEY?
The bank, is still looking worse for wear after the bombing, with Mainwaring holding an umbrella at his desk to protect him from drips from a tarpaulin which Wilson has meddled with. Still, it's business as usual, and Jones comes in to deposit £500 collected from local shopkeepers for the town's servicemen's canteen, only to find his packet containing half a pound of sausages. He goes all to pieces, so Mainwaring and the platoon do their best to help him remember where he put the money. He even accepts Frazer's suggestion of hypnotism, which leads him to believe he stuffed it in Mr. Blewitt's recently-purchased chicken, instead of the giblets. The platoon ask Mr. Blewitt to look inside the chicken, but don't find the money in it, although Pike loses one of his gloves inside the chicken. The next morning in the bank, Jones still hasn't found the money, and tells Pike he will write out a cheque for £500 from his own money. At that moment, Mr. Billings comes in, and Jones tells him what he'll do, but he is more concerned with half a pound of sausages he purchased the other day, as he shows him the packet, which contains the £500. The panic is over, until Jones suddenly wonders where his sausages have gone.
EPISODE 10 - BRAIN VERSUS BRAWN
At Walmington's Rotarian dinner at the Peabody rooms, after Mainwaring, Wilson, Jones and Walker discuss with the Colonel the fact that they're not involved in the new Home Guard commando unit, because they reckon brain's better than brawn, they agree to accept a challenge to prove that is so. The objective is to place a bomb in the OC's office, but first have to pass various guards. The verger deliberately starts a fire, whilst the platoon, dressed as firemen, travel in a fully-equipped engine. However, the fire is put out immediately after it is started, whilst the platoon get diverted by Hodges to a real fire. While they attempt to tackle the fire, and end up all getting soaked, the Colonel tells Mainwaring how his point has been proved about brain beating brawn, after he discovers Walker has sent the bomb to the office in a parcel. As Mainwaring takes the credit for Walker's idea, the platoon struggle with controlling the fire.
EPISODE 11 - A BRUSH WITH THE LAW
When the church hall light is spotted burning, Hodges takes great pleasure in having Mainwaring prosecuted. Meanwhile, Captain Square criticises the Mainwaring about the condition of the platoon's rifles. The verger attempts to stick up for Mainwaring, by telling Hodges that someone else may have left the light on by accident. At the trial, the platoon all seem to think he'll go down, especiallly Frazer, who boasts constantly that Mainwaring's doomed, whilst the Magistrate turns out to be Captain Square, who is keen to send Mainwaring down. But when Walker takes the stand as a witness, he refers to an occasion when he was delivering an illegal supply of whiskey to an illegal address nearby (whom the person happened to be Captain Square). Feeling uneasy, he suggests dropping the case to the Lady Magistrate. Sudenly, the verger gets the chance to speak up, and confesses he left the light burning, when he went back to the hall to write his memoirs. Captain Square proudly tells Mainwaring that he may leave the court with not a stain on his character, whilst Frazer congratulates him, telling him he never doubted him for a whole second. Mainwaring makes a speech about how what they're fighting for is honesty, fair play, and British justice.
EPISODE 12 - ROUND AND ROUND WENT THE GREAT BIG WHEEL
The War Office has developed a new weapon - a great explosive-carrying wheel, controlled by radio, which can knock out a pillbox within three miles. Mainwaring's men become responsible for fatigues, as Operation Catherine Wheel takes place to test this new invention. Pike and Walker nip off and listen to the radio, which interferes with the big wheel, and makes it roll out of control. As it carries 2000lbs of high explosives, the platoon must destroy it quickly. All they have to do, is cut through two aerials. They chase it in the van, and eventually manage to do so. The wheel dies down, and all the platoon members take off their hats.
EPISODE 13 - TIME ON MY HANDS
While Mainwaring and Wilson are taking a tea break at the Marigold Tea Rooms, they are interrupted when Pike informs them of a German pilot which has bailed out and landed on the town hall clock tower. The platoon climb up a ladder into the tower, where they decide the best way to bring the German in, is to give him a long pole to grab hold of. Jones finds one, but it is tied to the scaffolding, so when he gets it out, the ladders tumble down, and the platoon are stuck up in the tower. The German is brought in, after which, they worry about getting down. The platoon all suggest ideas, including Wilson telling a story his nanny used to tell him about a Prince who rescued a Princess from a tree by firing up an arrow with a length of twine attached to it. Mainwaring takes to Walker's idea, of untying a length of rope he notices, and climbing down that. But it is the bell rope, and when it is untied the bell starts ringing, and Jones, who is sitting on one of the figures, gets taken for a ride outside the parapette. There, he stops, but the platoon have the initiative to suggest changing the time on the clock, and letting him go round again. Meanwhile, to stop the bell chiming, Pike puts hats under the hammer, destroying Mainwaring's, Frazer's, and Jones's. Eventually, Jones gets back in, and while Mainwaring is criticising Wilson's idea of the arrow and twine being stupid, the vicar suddenly fires an arrow up, with a length of twine attached, whilst down below, he tells Godfrey that he got that idea from a story his nanny used to tell him.
SERIES 6
EPISODE 1 - THE DEADLY ATTACHMENT
Mainwaring tells Wilson off for not priming the grenades, and tells him to do so immediately. Seeing this as being rather dangerous, he uses dummy primers. That evening, the platoon have the task of guarding a brusque U-boat captain and seven crew, who've been drifting in a dinghy for two days, until the armed escort arrives. This gets delayed until the next morning. That evening, Walker goes to the chippie to buy them chips, where they are very partcular about what they get. After having to eat soggy chips, the U-boat Captain collapses on the floor, complaining about stomach pains. This is actually a trick, where he makes the platoon march with them, carrying empty rifles, to a boat which should be ready for them to escape. To prevent Mainwaring trying anything, he makes Jones walk with a grenade and a piece of string in his back pocket, on which he will pull the string if they try anything. On the march, they meet up with the Colonel, upon which the U-boat Captain tells Mainwaring to bluff. Wilson borrows the Colonel's revolver, and the U-boat Captain is soon caught. Mainwaring, meanwhile, realises thart Wilson has used dummy primers, and by doing so, has saved Jones's life, whereupon Wilson proves his point to Mainwaring about how dangerous they can be.
EPISODE 2 - MY BRITISH BUDDY
The Americans, who have joined the fight against the Germans, have come to Walmington. To celebrate this, a darts match is arranged at the Red Lion. Formal introductions occur, and Mainwaring tells them to make themselves at home, whereupon they rush over to the platoon's girl partners. The American colonel complains about the warm beer, whilst Hodges mouths off about how slow they were to join the war. A fight breaks out, and Mr. Cheeseman, who is from the Eastbourne Gazette, and attending the party, causes extensive coverage of the incident to appear in the papers. It is agreed by the platoon and the Americans to appear in the paper, as they make an apology, but when they do so, Hodges soon causes another fight to break out, just as Mr. Cheeseman clicks his camera.
EPISODE 3 - THE ROYAL TRAIN
Upon hearing that King George VI will be passing through Walmington-on-Sea on the Royal Train, Mainwaring's platoon arrange to provide a Guard of Honour. Whilst in the office at the train station, Mainwaring leaves some sleeping pills on the desk. Upon hearing a train's whistle in the distance, the platoon line up, only to find it's a false alarm. The drivers go into the office to make a phone call and have a quick cuppa. Seeing the sleeping pills, they mistake them for saccharin, and end up falling asleep in their chairs. In order to clear the line for the King, the Home Guard attempt to move the train themselves. Pike is able to drive the engine, but with the stopping handle missing, he can't stop it. They do manage to stop in time to see the Royal Train go by, where, as it does so, the sprinklers come on, and in spite of Pike's attempt to warn Mainwaring of this, they get soaked.
EPISODE 4 - WE KNOW OUR ONIONS
The platoon compete in an efficiency test. They travel in Jones's van, which is full of onions, which is Walker's order for Hodges. Mainwaring is determined to pass the test with flying colours, so as to be graded a 12-star platoon. While Hodges follows, after his onions, the platoon get off to a bad start, when they attack the NAAFI teagirl, on suspicion of carrying a bomb in the tea urn, and have great difficulty in negotiating an electric fence. They have so far been awarded 1-star, and, as a final obstacle, they have to climb the electric fence again, in order to obtain the ammo for firing at an advancing line of troops. While Captain Ramsey is confident they'll not get fired at, the platoon use the initiative of firing the onions from the van. Surprised and impressed by the initiative shown, Captain Ramsey awards the platoon 12 stars.
EPISODE 5 - THE HONOURABLE MAN
Due to the death of an uncle, Wilson becomes an Honourable. Mainwaring is furious, because everyone seems to think that Wilson should present the key allowing the visitor freedom of the town. Mainwaring fights against this, but Wilson comes out on top once again.
EPISODE 6 - THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT
On a stormy night, and the van runs out of petrol. The platoon, who are lost, take shelter in an old house. Outside, dogs howl like wolves, whilst inside, the house appears to be empty, apart from a burning fire. Eventually, Captain Cadbury enters, and explains to the platoon that it's a school for training tracker dogs. While the platoon go off to get some petrol, the dogs escape and chase them, what's more, they're not fully trained, and are still inclined to tear their victims apart! After Pike removes his German uniform, and the platoon hide in a shed, they eventually manage to escape from the dogs.
EPISODE 7 - THE RECRUIT
While Mainwaring is in hospital with ingrowing toenails, Wilson is put in charge of the platoon. There, he allows the vicar and verger to join the ranks. During their first parade, Mainwaring, who has discharged himself early, is unhappy with the new additions to the platoon, and aims to remove them. That evening, they're on patrol with Jones's section, where they get lip from an impudent kid, whom the verger clips around the ear. The kid rushes off to tell his Uncle Willie, who turns out to be Mr. Hodges. After Mainwaring tells the vicar and the verger how they should have dealt with the matter better, the vicar, taking offence, resigns, along with the verger, and the vicar tells Mainwaring he can take his silly rifle, and his silly hat, and his silly tunic. As he leaves, the verger asks about his 'silly' trousers, which he says he'll send over in the morning.
SERIES 7
EPISODE 1 - EVERYBODY'S TRUCKING
Jones has his van done up, but it isn't long before it gets ruined again, by Mainwaring's mistreatment of it, during a lecture about signposting a route for an exercise in the area. When they do the signs, Pike, who does he Walmington sign, includes a very artistic hand pointing, except it's the wrong way round, whilst Godfrey, who does the Eastgate sign, knowing it's secret, does it in code - a Chinaman for 'East' and a gate for 'Gate'! After the job of signposting is completed, they discover the route is blocked by an unmanned steam engine, whereupon the platoon drive round it, and end up getting Jones' van stuck in the mud. Before long, Hodges arrives and gets his motorbike and sidecar stuck, and also a coach carrying a group of pensioners on an annual trip. While more damage is done to Jones' van, the platoon fail to free any of the vehicles, and end up having to set up a diversion.
EPISODE 2 - A MAN OF ACTION
While Jones and Pike are on patrol, Pike tells Jones about a time when he was little, and stuck his head through an ironbar gate, and pretended to be stuck. While demonstrating this to Jones, he really does get stuck. Meanwhile, Mainwaring and Wilson discuss the recruit of Mr. Cheeseman from the Eastbourne Gazette, who's doing a weekly article about the platoon. Mainwaring prepares to have his photo taken, when Jones suddenly telephones, and he has to rush off to help. Worried about the embarrassment of having the incident exposed, they take the gate off its hinges, and back to the church hall, where Pike has to sit and wait for someone to free him. Suddenly, Mainwaring has to attend an emergency meeting in the church hall office - the railway track has been damaged by a landmine, gas and water supplies have been cut off, and the phone wires are down. Mainwaring declares martial law, and the platoon members have to announce his rules through the town, including not letting people take baths without a permit. However, Captain Swann soon arrives, and takes over from Mainwaring.
EPISODE 3 - GORILLA WARFARE
The platoon arrive for a weekends exercise, where they are commandos behind enemy lines, trying to meet up with a highly important secret agent, who is Captain Mainwaring, and escort him to a secret destination. But GHQ's counteragents, who could be disguised as anyone, will try and capture him. The platoon ignore everyone, including two stranded nuns, and a doctor, who tries to warn Mainwaring of an escaped gorilla roaming the woods. At night, the platoon settle in a barn, where Lieutenant Wood, dressed as the gorilla, hides and spies on them, and is confident he'll ruin Mainwaring's plans. The following day, the platoon are lead to victory, whilst the two nuns tell someone how good it is to be recognised as real nuns. But while the platoon are being told that they've successfully won, Mainwaring gets attacked by a real gorilla.
EPISODE 4 - THE GODIVA AFFAIR
To help raise £2000, which the town is short of for their target for buying a Spitfire, a procession is planned, in which the platoon dress as morris dancers. Meanwhile, Jones pours his heart out to Mainwaring and Wilson, about a suspicion that Mrs. Fox is smitten with Mr. Gordon, the town clerk. Mainwaring agrees to meet her in the Marigold Tea Rooms the next day, where, as he stumbles his way through his words, she gets the wrong end of the stick, and thinks Mainwaring fancies her. To rub it in, Pike tells Mainwaring's wife that he's having lunch with Mrs. Fox. Meanwhile, Mrs. Fox gets selected by the town clerk to play Lady Godiva in the procession, but on the day, she finds her fleshings and wig stolen, and turns to Jones for comfort, whilst Mainwaring, seeing who the Lady Godiva is, sees it's his wife.
EPISODE 5 - THE CAPTAIN'S CAR
The platoon is selected to provide a guard of honour, when a French General visits the town. Meanwhile, Lady Maltby donates her Rolls Royce to the war effort, which Mainwaring decides to second as his staff car. Frazer agrees to paint the car, but, after it breaks down on the way, confusion reigns, as the mayor's Rolls gets painted as well. The error gets spotted, and Frazer quickly repaints it black. At the procession, whilst the choir only sing half of the French National Anthem (because they didn't have time to learn all of it), the French General greets everyone with a kiss on the cheek. He then puts his hands on his car (unaware that it has wet paint on it), as Hodges asks if he gets a kis as well, and ends up with black handprints on his face.
EPISODE 6 - TURKEY DINNER
One night, while the platoon were on a monumental binge, they accidentally killed a turkey. They confess this to Mainwaring, who believes it could only have belonged to the North Berrington turkey farm, but as they march to apologise and pay for it, they find it didn't belong to them. While Mainwaring and Wilson discuss what to do with it, Jones' lot arrange a turkey dinner for the OAPs. After the turkey dinner, Mainwaring has to go off to a Rotary Dinner, as guest speaker. Pike accidentally marks his dinner suit with gravy, and takes offence when Mainwaring calls him a stupid boy. After Jones covers up the stain with white paint, and gets some on his jacket, Godfrey suggests using his scarf as a sling, pretending to have hurt his arm to cover up the mark. He is pleased by the resourcefulness shown in an emergency, and apologises to Pike for calling him a stupid boy - until he spills gravy on him again!