There was a young woman named Rudell who lived in the PAINFULLY boring town
of townsville U.S.A.(just like the powerpuff girls!). There was virtually nothing to do for fun in townsville except leave it
and Rudell didn’t have a car so she was fairly screwed and usually content hangin' with Malaika, playin' trumpet and fooling around on the internet. One day however she managed to
convince her parents to take her to the mall so she could buy some stuff with some of the
gift certificates she had gotten at Christmas. As she walked by Camelot on her way to
Babbages to get a new computer game she saw a guy in a big feathery first down (probably bryon) burning copies
of The Blair Witch Project and shouting “I still ain't seen that Blair witch yet!!!"
“The truth is out there!” Rudell shouted back laughing to herself. When she did this the man ran
up to her and whispered, “Beware the drunken monkeys.”
“Yeah right, whatever you say pal.” She said shoving the wierd guy away. As she walked
through Babbages searching for the perfect game to add to her library she couldn’t help
thinking about her experience just a few moments ago. What the hell was that guy
talking about? Drunken monkeys? That guy was crazy. Wasn’t he? Thoughts like these
constantly ran through her head until she saw the most painfully idiotic thing she had ever
seen. . . Blair Witch: The Game!
“Holy Crap!” she shouted involuntarily, “Who could be stupid enough to make a game
like this?!” she wondered aloud as she picked up the box and looked on the back. What she
saw next startled her. At the bottom of the box in small print was the words “DM
Unlimited.”
“DM? what could that stand for?” The thought had barely formed in her head when she
said aloud, “Drunken Monkey.” Rudell soon found herself running back to find that
crazy guy whom she had seen in front of Camelot, hoping that he might have some
explanation, but before she had gotten too far from Babbages she saw a huge shadow on
the floor in front of her. She stopped and puzzled over what could make such an odd
looking shadow in the middle of the mall and then she looked up to see what it was. This
was more startleing than the writing on the back of the Blair Witch game. Above her she saw
what appeared to be a small chimpanzee dancing drunkenly on the skylight (it was probably Dion)
“It wasn’t just a figure of speach...” he muttered to herself. But that was not the most
startling part. She could not tell if it was only a figment of her imagination but the monkey
seemed to have wings. A drunken flying monkey! Now she HAD to find that guy. Soon
Rudell had found the man and told him of all the things she had seen.
“Hmm,” said the mysterious man(who was probably bryon), “a flying one eh? Those are pretty bad, even if they
are drunk.”
“Yeah but they’re pretty cool.” said Rudell
“What the?! Cool?! What the hell are you talking about?! They’re servants of evil!!”
“Yeah, but they still look cool.”
“Ok, yeah, I guess I can’t argue with you there.”
“Anyway," Rudell continued "what is going on here? I mean first there was that Game from DM
Unlimited and then a drunken flying monkey? What’s this all about?”
“Well let me start at the start. Ever since the birth of mass media there have been
insincere jackasses who started trends that caught on for no real reason. . .”
“You mean like Disco and 80s music?”
“Exactly. There have also been true individuals who never fell into these traps. Not
knowingly anyway. They have seen the other group for what they are, Disengenuous
humps and posers. But even they could not grasp fhe fullness of their schemes. I didn’t
even get it at first but now I know. For decades these posers have been ruled by a single
force known only as the Drunken Monkeys.”
“Unbelievable!” was all Rudell was able to say.
“Indeed. The DMs have many servants both willing and not, all dedicated to turning the
world into a place where they can rule by starting new trends.”
“If they are so powerful, how can they be stopped?”
“I have done my part by trying to shed light on how much their fads suck but it hasn’t
worked very well and soon they will catch me. Rudell I have something to ask of you.”
This startled Rudell back into her wits, “What do you want?” The man slowly removed
his jacket. He was in kinda bony,... not musclebound by any means but not a fat-ass
either. “Rudell I want you to carry on my work.” And with that he handed Rudell the
jacket. “But how?” The youth asked, “I can’t possibly fight them alone.”
“You won’t need to. There are dozens of cynical, apathetic people in this world who will
be willing to help you, you need only to seek them out.”
As soon as he stopped speaking a trio of drunken flying monkeys flew in and grabbed
him (Anise, Lauren, and Makeda I mean really...). As they flew off Rudell knew that she would have to stop their plans forever. “Those
monkeys don’t stand a chance.” she thought, "I'll call my partner, Malaika (Agent 001) and we can discuss this." She put on the jacket. It fit her well.
