Goodbye Orlando

Denise had done as she promised and tried to talk some sense into my father. You can probably guess it didn’t work. He threatened to call the police on her if she didn’t bring him to me. Even after she told him that it was my idea to stay at her house, not hers. Well, she tried. I can only be thankful that there are beautiful people out there like her who only want to help.

We were sitting his AJ’s little living room upstairs. I was on the sofa, he was on the floor between my legs, and we were watching television. I was playing in his hair. We were watching MTV. The Red Hot Chili Peppers came on. That new song. “By The Way”. For some reason it gave me a bad feeling. I loved the song. I loved the Chili Peppers. But for some reason, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but when they played it I just got a bad feeling. It just sounded too climactic. Like something was about to happen. Something big.

And that’s when Denise came in. She first looked in his room, and then turned to see us on the sofa. She had this look. Disturbed. Like a deer in headlights. And then I knew why, my father was headed up the stairs behind him. I could hear his keys jingling. And when we saw his face, AJ jumped up and shielded me, as if he had to protect me.

I guess I’m clairvoyant. I knew that song gave me a bad vibe. He came around the coffee table and grabbed my arm. And he pulled me toward the stairs. I was holding on to AJ’s wife-beater, nearly ripping it. And he was yelling. At my father. Pleading. Begging him to calm down and talk about this. It was all happening so fast. Would someone please cut that damn song off!?!?

“Please, sir, just wait a goddamn second!” AJ screamed, highly angry now, losing his cool. His words and tone were enough to turn my father around, but we were already near the front door.

“No you wait a goddamn second. I’ve seen what kids like you do to girls like my daughter. And I’ll be damned if she’s gonna get hurt or get in trouble by a punk like you.” And Ms. McLean, I suggest you keep your son away from my house and my little girl.” I was holding AJ’s shirt still when my father was saying all of these horrible things. And AJ took my hand from his shirt and held it. His eyes red. His nostrils flared. Chest heaving in and out. But the second are hands locked, my father pulled me out of his reach. I knew it was over.

On the ride home, I remained silent. And I didn’t cry. I was too angry to cry. I was mad. Furious. Insane with hatred for my father’s blindness. I wanted to break something. I wanted to scream. I wanted to hurt myself. Hurt someone. ANYTHING! SOMETHING! Do you know that feeling? When someone had just crossed your limit. They’ve pushed every single button you’ve got. They’ve shit on you. Pushed you too far. Plucked your last fucking nerve! Do you know what that feels like? Well I was in the middle of it. Sitting silently in the car with that someone I couldn’t stand. And there he was, satisfied and happy with himself. And there I was. Stewing in my own angry teenaged juices, ready to boil over. Ready to explode.

When we got home, I made sure I got to the house first and slammed the door in his face. And when he finally did come in, I was waiting for whatever he had to say. I was waiting and ready to stick it to him. I was ready to shoot him back with hateful words if he dared to say something negative about my relationship with AJ.

“What has gotten into you, Monica? Running away from home! Deliberately disobeying me! What the hell is going on in that head of yours?” He screamed, his face turning red shiny with sweat. I picked up the lamp and threw it against the wall. And it felt good. So good. I picked up an ashtray that no one even used, and I threw that too. Then a candy dish. A vase. A trophy. Until finally he took me by the wrists and restrained me. And all that bottled up anger that I was getting out through breaking things revealed itself. I began to cry. I began to cry my eyes out.

“Why Daddy? Why? You never understand anything! I tried over and over again to explain this to you. But you never listen! You made up your mind about AJ after one mistake we made and now you’re tearing my life apart. And his too! You’re ruining everything! I never wanted to lie to you, Daddy! I never wanted to disobey you or run out or sneak around! But you forced my hand, Daddy! All we ever wanted was to be free to see each other! But you had to go and fuck it up!” He let me go and I fell to the floor, still crying so hard I felt sick. He wanted to hit me, I felt the tension between us. That silence before the blow comes. But it never came. He hadn’t hit me since I was nine years old. I hadn’t done anything to deserve it, and I think deep down he knew it.

He began to calm down. And so did I. He flopped down on the sofa and stared at the floor. I didn’t know what he was thinking. I wondered, but there was no way of knowing. I stood up and wiped my eyes with the backs of my hands. Then, even though I didn’t want to, I wiped my nose with my hands as well. This was no time to go and get a tissue. I saw an opportunity to really relay to Daddy what AJ and I meant to each other. And I took it.

At first, as I told him our story, he looked as though he really didn’t care to hear any of it. Like it was vulgar. But it wasn’t. And I had to make him see that. It was really beautiful. As I explained this to him, I took his hand and I got down on my knees before him.

“Please, Daddy, don’t take me away from him. I love him. And he loves me, I know it.” He caressed my hair and tilted his head to one side.

“You’re sixteen now. And before I know it you’ll be moving out on your own. And I suppose you are old enough to start making some of your own decisions. And if you really feel that strongly about him, then I guess I shouldn’t stand in your way. I can’t help but feel he’s the biggest mistake you’ll ever make. But things like this you have to handle on your own. They’re all a part of growing up. But about moving... I’m sorry, Monica. I’ve made commitments in Phoenix. There’s no way I can back out of them now. I’m afraid we’ll be living there for at least a year.” He would have said more, but there were no words to heal the wounds I’d suffered that day. Even though I knew I was free to go back to AJ’s, I couldn’t. I was too depressed. I didn’t want to see anyone. I wanted to be alone. Besides, I figured that he wouldn’t want to see me in this mood any way.

Ok... I was lying to myself. He’d love to see me regardless of what mood I was in. I guess I just needed some solitude to think things over. Assess the situation. Find some peace.

~*~*~*~*~*~


A few days passed. And I was still deep in a state of dejection. So deep I had to force myself to get out of bed in the morning. The movers took everything from the house early in the morning. And I knew that we had to get to the airport later that night. It was going to be my last day in Orlando. And I hadn’t spoken to my love since the day my father took me out of his house. I couldn’t call. Cause I knew that hearing his voice would make me doing something stupid. Like run away again. For real. Far away. Where no one could find us. I couldn’t call because I’d break down again. And I didn’t want to do anything drastic. I guess maybe he avoided calling for those same reasons. And maybe from fear of my father. If only he knew that my father had let it go. He’d agreed to live and let live. Finally. Jesus, I thought he’d never let me grow up.

My bags were packed and the house was empty. I went downstairs and looked around. It reminded me of how I felt when I first moved in. I had no hope. I thought that Orlando would be like every other city that we’d moved to. If someone had told me that I’d meet my first real love, lose my virginity, and go through all the perils I’d been through with AJ and my father... I’d have laughed in their face. And now look at me. Depressed. Alone. Bitter. Angry. Pissed. Gothic and pierced. Totally different. And most of all I was unhappy. I didn’t want to feel this way.

My father was loading his baggage into the car. And he told me to bring mine out to the driveway. I did. And right then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. What the hell was I doing? Was I really going to ride off to that airport and fly to Arizona without seeing him? Hell no! I wasn’t stupid! I took my book bag out of the back seat and kissed my father on the cheek. He asked why I had the sudden change of heart.

“I need to go see someone, Daddy. And if you let me, I swear I’ll be in the airport in plenty of time. If he can’t drive me, I’ll catch a cab. But this is something I have to do. I just can’t leave like this.” And what do you know? He let me go. Just like that. So I went. I started up the street, knowing a had a good thirty-minute walk ahead of me. I could have asked him to drive me. But I wanted to walk. I needed to work off the sour mood I was in. I put my headphones on and played a song I knew would get a smile on my face. Alanis Morissette’s “Head Over Feet”. Yeah, I was definitely feeling better. I was on my way to see my man.

“I had no choice but to hear you.
You stated your case time and again.
I thought about it...

You treat me like I’m a princess.
I’m not used to liking that.
You ask how my day was.

You’ve already won me over,
In spite of me.
And don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet.
And don’t be surprised if I love you,
For all that you are.
I couldn’t help it, it’s all your fault!

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole.
You’re so much braver than I give you credit for.
That’s not lip service...

You’ve already won me over,
In spite of me.
And don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet.
And don’t be surprised if I love you,
For all that you are.
I couldn’t help it, it’s all your fault!

You are the bearer of unconditional things.
You held your breath and the door for me.
Thanks for your patience...

You’re the best listener that I’ve ever met.
You’re my best friend,
Best friend with benefits.
What took me so long?

I’ve never felt this happy before.
I’ve never wanted something rational.
I am aware now,
I am aware now.

You’ve already won me over,
In spite of me.
And don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet.
And don’t be surprised if I love you,
For all that you are.
I couldn’t help it, it’s all your fault!”

I sang this, out loud. And I did care who happened to hear me. I had fallen in love. And I fell so hard. I was so high, walking up that street. I could have been flying. Soaring. I had butterflies. A million butterflies in my stomach. And my heart was beating so hard. And I was thankful for Alanis for writing such a beautiful song. I swear, if I didn’t know any better, I’d have thought she wrote that song for me, knowing years ahead of time that I’d be this in love with AJ.

When I finally saw AJ’s house, I began to run. And I didn’t stop until I reached his doorstep. And I banged. With the hugest and goofiest grin on my face, I banged. And I told myself that if he opened his arms I was going to jump into his arms and kiss him as though that minutes was our last.

Denise answered the door.

Of course I was a little disappointed. But it was good to see her smile again. She told me he wasn’t home. And my heart sank. But then she told me that he was at Shane’s. She said that when I didn’t call he thought I had already gone to Phoenix. And he didn’t bother to call or visit to be certain because he was lying in bed all day, sulking. Just like I had been! She then told me that Shane and T decided to throw him a party to get him in better spirits. That was just like them. Always party animals. Only they would throw a party to get out of a slump.

I didn’t stay long. Shane’s house was only a block down the street. And I could feel the bass of the music when I stood still. I couldn’t wait to see the look on AJ’s face. I missed him so much. Our last few hours together had to be special. Before I knew it I was in front of Shane’s house. And the door was open. I walked in and saw a swarm of kids from school. Others were probably college kids. Some may have been dropouts. I don’t know for sure. And I didn’t care. I just wanted my man.

I spotted T and Shane dancing in a corner near the kitchen. They were dancing all freaky, as expected. I had to laugh. It was good to see them again too. I went straight for them, and T looked startled to see me. As if I had died and resurrected myself.

“Oh SHIT, girl! We thought you left! Does this mean you’re staying?” she screamed over the music. Shane’s eyes were wide as if he had asked the question. I shook my head no, then explained why.

“Our plane leaves tonight. But I had to see him before I left!” They both smiled.

“He’s upstairs. He was cool for a while, then he got all depressed again and went upstairs. He said he needed a minute to think.” T explained. I nodded and headed for the stairs. I had to struggle to get through all the people. I had to push through people dancing on the stairs too. God, Shane really could throw a party. I finally got upstairs. I had no idea where to look first. So I went from one room to the next. One room were pitch-black, but I could hear noises. Not AJ though. Two rooms were full of people, dancing of course. The room at the end of the hall had a closed door. I thought maybe AJ would be in there. I pushed the door open.

I’d found him.

He wasn’t alone.

And I hated him then.

Alicia had him pinned to the bed. Her skirt was up. He jeans were down. They were fucking. Right there on Shane’s bed. And she kissed him. And they were fucking. Fucking. I heard her moan his name and I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more nauseating sound in my entire life. She flipped her hair back and she saw me. You’d think she would have stopped. But no, she just kept riding him. And staring at me. I wanted to run. I wanted to run and never turn back. But my legs wouldn’t move. I couldn’t even will them to bend.

I felt the vomit travel up to my mouth and I ran to the bathroom. Someone was passed out on the floor. I stepped over him and hovered over the toilet. I puked. I cried. I gripped the sides of the toilet seat so hard that I nearly broke my nails. And when my stomach was empty, I saw her standing in the doorway from the corner of my eye. She was smiling. She was satisfied. And I saw the necklace he had given her so long ago around her neck. The one I heard her talking about in the library. I wanted to throw up again, but I wouldn’t give her yet another satisfaction.

“No one believed me when I said AJ still loved me. No one believed me when I said you were a temp. Well, I guess I’ve proven my point, haven’t I?” she hissed. I stood up. I pushed my hair out of my eyes. And I went for her throat.

We went flying out of the bathroom and onto the floor of the hallway. Dozens of people came running from downstairs to see us fighting. I could hear their stomping. I could hear their shouts.

I was strangling her. And I saw her eyes bulging out of their sockets. I had never been in a serious fight before. And that’s because I had never truly hated someone so much before that I wanted to see them suffer. Her pretty blonde hair was tangled with my fingers. And her perfect little mouth was trying to scream. Someone pulled me off of her, but I didn’t let go of her hair, yanking some out in the process. I saw her run into the bathroom and shut the door. And for a moment I stood still, catching my breath, recollecting myself. And AJ touched my arm.

“Let me explain, Monica...” he slurred... he didn’t even look the same to me anymore. He looked ugly. Disgusting. My nausea returned, but I held it down. I hated him. I wanted to leave. But he was holding my wrist. I snatched it away from him.

“Explain what, AJ?!?! I saw you fucking that slutty bitch! And there is nothing that you can say that can justify the shit you just did!” He tried again to pull me into Shane’s room. Probably so that we could talk. But I didn’t want to hear a damn word he had to say.

“Let go of me! Don’t you even touch me! God! And to think I was willing to give up everything for your sorry ass! I’m glad I’m leaving. I’m fucking ecstatic that this is my last night here. Cause I never want to see your face again!” I moved everyone out of my way and ran down the stairs. T was waiting for me at the bottom, and all I could think to do was hug her. And she hugged me back. She understood. And she told me so. But I could hear AJ coming down the stairs, calling my name.

“I gotta go. I’m sorry,” I said to her. And I left.

When I got outside, it was pouring down rain. And to think that on my way here, it seemed so sunny and perfect. And now there was rain, thunder, lightening. But I didn’t run. I was too tired and drained. And I still felt sick. Images of them fucking kept flashing in my head. Gross images. Sick. And I felt like shit now. All this time, Daddy was right. So damn right.

I went back to his house. And I rang the doorbell this time. And when Denise opened it, I asked her if she could please call a cab for me. I told her that I had to get to the airport as soon as possible. But she refused to call anyone until I told her why I was walking in the pouring rain, crying.

I needed to talk to someone. It sucked that it had to be AJ’s mother. She was so sweet. Like I said, a mother to me as well. And I hated to tell her what a dog her son was. I hated to tell her that he was screwing Alicia when I found him. But I told her. While she found me a change of clothes and a towel to dry my hair, I told her about how he had broken my heart into a million tiny pieces.

She wrapped her arms around me. And I needed that. I had never had that. I never had a mother to hold me and make things better. She kissed my forehead. And she sighed. There was no telling what she thought of AJ now. And there was no telling where I was headed from here.

“Sometimes men do awful things. And I honestly don’t know why. And Alex, he’s just so confused sometimes. There are days when I think he wonders where he is. But the point is that, I know for a fact that my son loves you. He’s never cared for anyone the way he cares for you. He may not have a good explanation for what he did. And you two may never reconcile your love for each other. But honey, don’t ever doubt that he loved you. And don’t think that all you went through was in vain. Learn from it. Grow from it. And never let it break you, make it strengthen you. Do you understand?” I nodded. She continued. “You’re too young and too beautiful of a person to allow this to tear your world apart. Men will come and men will go, but don’t you ever lose yourself in that cycle. And if you stay strong, just like you are now, some wonderful man someday will see that and he’ll treat you right and then none of this heartache will have been in vain.”

Denise offered to take me to the airport. It wasn’t far and she was happy to do it. She was one of the people I was going to really miss. And her words to me stuck with me. I don’t think I’ll ever forget them.

As the plane took off, I looked over the city of Orlando and waved goodbye. Goodbye to Shane and T, some of the best friends I’d ever made. Goodbye to Josh, the sweetest and most generous guy alive. Goodbye to Denise, a beautiful woman and an excellent mother. Goodbye to the old Monica. She was long gone. I was altogether a different person now. And I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. It just was.

Goodbye to Alexander James McLean.

Goodbye Orlando.


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