When I Grow Up

I was pissed off at my father. He was ruining everything. Just when I found love, for the very first time, he was ripping it all to shreds. And I resented him for that. I started going out of my way to annoy him, just as much as he was annoying me. If not more. Hell, he already thought I was crazy for loving AJ, so I decided to really play crazy. I got T to hack off all of my hair and bleach my ends platinum blonde. I got my cartilage pierced on both ears. I got rid of my cute little French manicure and went for pitch-black nail polish. I borrowed T’s “fuck off” t-shirt and wore it with pride. My whole outlook changed in a matter of hours. And I wasn’t just doing it to piss off my father. I was doing it because I had always wanted to, but I never indulged myself because I knew he’d disapprove. But hell, he was screwing with my happiness, so I had no choice but to screw with his. He never had a perfect daughter, and now was the time for me to let him know that. After all, I am who I am.

Instead of packing my things in an angry silence, I found all of my most extreme CDs, which hadn’t been played in months. KoRn, Orgy, Staind, System of a Down, Static-X, basically all of the CDs hidden behind the softer rock and pop and R+B. I was angry. And I needed something intense. I needed something I could scream to. I needed powerful guitars, forceful drums, hellish bass, yelling, and meaningful poetic words amidst the monstrous sounds of a hard rock band. I put them all in my stereo, and I turned the volume up high. I opened my bedroom door, and I made absolute sure that Daddy, dear, would hear every word and every note.

Sure enough, I was in the middle of Toxicity, and he came storming up the stairs, his face red. It turned even redder when he saw me. My transformation. The new me. The me that had been hiding deep within the “Daddy’s girl” for so many years. The real me.

“Monica, what the hell have you done?” He shouted, not daring to step closer to me, not able to believe it was even me standing before him. He looked over at T who was putting my clothes in a big brown box on the floor, and she only smiled back innocently.

“Like it Daddy? I do. I love it. I really hope you like it, Daddy, cause I don’t think I’ll be changing it any time soon.” I just stood there, staring at him, not daring to back away or cower. He lifted his finger to my face and started to say something, but he held it in and just turned and left my room, slamming the door. I wanted to feel happy about agitating him, but I didn’t. I just felt even more irked about the fact that I still had to move. There was nothing I could do.

I flopped down on the bed and T came and sat down beside me. She wrapped her arm around me and I rested my head on her shoulder. I felt like crying, but for some reason, no tears would come. There was just the irritating burn that occurs right before a tear wells up and forms. T wasn’t some great intellectual who could come up with the most appropriate advice for any situation. But she did had a knack for saying something to ease the mood.

“You know... AJ’s gonna love your hair like this. You two almost match.” I couldn’t help but laugh when I heard this. And that burning in my eyes disappeared. Relief. Finally, a friend who actually gives a shit about me without wanting something in return. Why did I have to leave? I’d found a boyfriend and lover in AJ. I’d found the greatest friendship in Shane and T. And I also found a bit of friendship in Josh. Now I had to pick up and move... again. Life sucked.

I got up and turned the music down, because it no longer pleased me to blast it in spite of my father. After that, T and I finished the bulk of my packing. And there I was, standing in my empty bedroom, again. I was so used to packing all of my things up that the sight of a half-vacant room was more normal to me than having a room full of personality.

I was walking T to the door when I noticed my father sitting in his chair, fast asleep. There was a bottle of night time sinus and cold medicine next to him. He must have taken it get rid of his cold before we left for Phoenix. Since it was the PM formula, I knew he’d be out for the rest of the night. That was just my luck. My father was already a deep sleeper. And now he’d be knocked out cold until at least noon of the next day.

It wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what I did next. I bid T farewell, and as soon as I got back up to my room, I called AJ. He was at home, probably as depressed about my leaving as I was. He was shocked to hear my voice. And he was even more shocked to hear that my father was in a sleep-state almost as deep as a coma, and that he should come over. He wasted no time in doing so. Because by the time I had finished showering, Shane pulled up in front of my house and let AJ out.

I ran down to the side door and met AJ in the driveway. He took one look at me and his mouth dropped open. He couldn’t believe the change. At first, I was worried as to whether he liked what I had done. But when he kissed me, I knew he loved it.

“You look... whoa... gorgeous.” He ran his fingers through my cropped hair and kissed my forehead. We stood there for a moment and just held each other. There was no one around, and the neighborhood was silent except for the crickets and frogs. But the sound that they made was beautiful. And it only made the moment more romantic. I told him to wait there while I went inside to get something. And when I returned, I had a blanket under my arm. Like a true gentleman, he took the blanket and held it for me, even though it wasn’t the slightest bit of a burden.

I took his hand and led him behind the house. Just beyond our backyard was a pond, hundreds of trees, and a little clearing I’d found the day we moved in that was quite peaceful. Once there, we spread out the blanket and sat close to each other. It seemed like we could have sat there together for hours, even though it had only been about ten minutes, give or take. It reminded me of Einstein’s theory of relativity. Being in a bad situation for a few minutes can seem like forever. But being in a good situation for a few minutes can seem like a few seconds... never long enough.

AJ kept blessing me with sweet kisses on my forehead. And he held me as if I were the most delicate thing he’d ever possessed, as if he didn’t want to let me go. And I must admit, I didn’t want to ever be let go.

“Maybe we should have waited after all.” He whispered. I sat up and turned toward him, not yet understanding what he meant.

“What? Why?” I asked.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have slept together. When we did, it was under the assumption that you’d be here for a while. If not for good. It was under the assumption that we’d be together for always, you know? And now that you’re leaving, I feel like we were stupid about it. Maybe it was a rushed decision. I don’t know... I just don’t want you to go off and regret losing your virginity to a guy you won’t see too much anymore. And maybe you’ll meet someone else, and you’ll wish that you were still a virgin for him. And who knows what else might happen...” I took his face in my hands and kissed him to silence him, and to show him that I had no regrets, nor would I ever.

“AJ, I love you. I don’t want anyone else. That night was so perfect. And you’re perfect--- for me.” He nodded. But he didn’t respond verbally. He simply shifted his attention to the pond. Every once in a while a dragonfly would soar by and dive down to the water, grazing the shimmering surface. The ripples would appear, and both of us watched as the initial ripple enlarged, spread, and reached for the bank just a few feet away from our clearing. I turned to AJ, and I saw a level of serenity I’d never seen in him before. He didn’t look upset, nor did he look happy. I began to get scared because I couldn’t accurately read his expression, and I usually could.

He picked up a fallen leaf and began to twirl it between his fingers. It was then I noticed that his nails were slightly dirty. Probably from fooling around with cars with Shane. He was no mechanic, but in his mind he was an automobile genius. Thus, his nails were sometimes just a bit dirty. It reminded me of something. Anytime we made plans to be together, his nails were clean. In fact, I remembered asking him about it. And he told me that he didn’t want to touch me with rough hands, so he’d always clean them ahead of time. Little comments such as that always made me feel so special. Like I was more precious to him than the rarest gem.

I took his hand and held his fingers in my palm, examining his nails closely. Then I reached for another leaf and folded it so that it had a pointy edge. I slipped the edge under his nail, thoroughly cleaning the narrow space. Every once in a while, I’d look up at AJ, and he’d only be looking back, smiling at me fondly.

I was just finishing his tenth nail when he pulled his hand away and touched the side of my face, cupping my cheek, tracing the shape of my lips with his thumb.

“When I first saw you, I was drawn to you. I felt like I had to talk to you. It wasn’t just physical. It was something far beyond that. When you smiled, I felt like I was better than any other man on Earth because your smile was meant for me. And when I kissed you that first night, I kissed you because I didn’t want another second to pass by without tasting those same lips that smiled at me so beautifully. When I’m with you, all I want to do is protect you. Take care of you. Care for you, provide for you. You’re the first girl I’ve ever been with that I’ve actually pictured myself getting old with. I swear, I can’t imagine myself in the future without seeing you by my side. You’ve done so much for me. More than you know. I know we haven’t been together that long, but you’ve changed me for the better. Being with you makes me want to become a better person. I want you to always be proud of me, that way you’ll never have to regret taking a chance on me.”

I felt myself crying. I felt the warm tears rolling down the sides of my face. You must understand, I’d never had a boyfriend before AJ. And I thought it rare to have one’s first love be a near perfect one.

I wiped my tears away, but then I saw that AJ’s eyes became a little glassy. His nose grew a little red, and I knew that he wasn’t far from crying either. And for some reason, it struck a positive cord in me. For a man so conscious of his masculinity as AJ, to cry in front of his girlfriend was admirable.

“I sit up at night sometimes, and I can’t sleep. I just lie there, staring at the ceiling, thinking of you and hoping that you’re thinking of me. I lie there thanking God for giving you to me. I lie there wondering what I did to deserve someone like you. Sometimes I think that I don’t deserve you, and that someone will steal you away from me. Cause I’m not a perfect guy. I’m far from perfect. I’ve done some crazy shit in the little bit of time I’ve been alive and people like me just don’t deserve love like yours. I’ve treated girls badly. I’ve treated people badly, period. I’ve done X, smoked green, and other shit I can’t even identify. And I can’t help but think, when I’m lying in bed awake, that I might be wrong for you. That you might deserve someone far better than me. And it hurts to think that way, because I love you so much. You’re all I could ever want in a woman. And........” He couldn’t finish his statement, for he was trying his best to hold his tears back. But soon they came. In one big wave they came. And I held him.

I kept whispering things in his ear. I told him that we deserved each other. And I told him that his past made him who he was today, and that I loved who he was today. I told him that more than once. Because I did love him. I loved him more than anything. AJ had become such a large part of my life in such a short period of time. Whenever we were apart, I longed for him. And when he came near again, my heart felt so full. I know that young and raging hormones can cause a person to lose the ability to reason. But I was thinking clearly. And I just knew, I absolutely KNEW that AJ was the one for me. The only one. There could be no other. I had decided in my mind that when you meet the perfect person for you, you can feel it, deep within your bones. And when AJ kissed me, I felt electricity. We were soul mates. I was born to be his life-partner, his counterpart, his better half. And he was born to be mine.

As we sat there together near the water, the sun setting above us, the wind winding around us, I was completely convinced that life just could not get any better. Still, I managed to find a way to enhance the moment. I slipped my hand under his shirt, running my fingertips along the thin trail of hair that stretched up from his perfect manhood to his navel. He smiled at me. I then loosened his pants with that same hand. He smiled more. I told him to lie back, and he did. And I pulled his pants off first, as well as everything else that concealed his body. And as he rested there, naked and exposed to myself and the nature around us, I straddled him and kissed his neck. He brought his strong hands to my body and gripped my hips, pushing me down against his growing reaction. I took it a step further by grinding against him ever so slowly; just enough to get some serious blood flowing to all the right spots.

But AJ always liked to be in control when we were intimate. He turned me over in a swift yet gentle movement and took my shirt off. He then lowered his face to my breasts and licked my nipples through the thin, silk fabric of my bra. I felt my body shaking, trembling, like every nerve ending inside me was standing at attention. And he was causing it all.

Even though the sun was setting, a few bright rays still shone through the leaves of the trees casting fanciful shapes and shadows on our bodies. I began to wonder about my father. What if he woke up? What if he started looking for me and found us here making love? But he wouldn’t. He couldn’t. I refused to allow myself to even consider that happening. After all, when I went in to get a blanket, I told him I’d be by the pond in a note. And he never came back here. If he woke up, he’d merely stand on the deck and call my name. So AJ and I were safe. We were free to explore ourselves and spend our limited time together very wisely.

As he held me, and as we moved as one body, I had made up my mind. I wasn’t going to leave. Daddy couldn’t make me. This was the man I planned to spend the rest of my life with. I loved him. And I loved Shane and T. And Denise was like a mother to me now. I loved Orlando. I just couldn’t leave. Moving here was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. Why couldn’t Daddy see that?

I looked at AJ and his eyes were closed. He was out of breath, and so was I. I kissed his forehead and locked my hands around him, not ever wanting to let him go. I felt him explode inside me. And I knew it was wrong. I knew it might get us into trouble. And I knew nothing good would ever come of it. But it felt so right. And when he collapsed in my arms from exhaustion, I knew that there was no other place I’d rather be than here, with him, like this.

He started to kiss me, even though I knew his body was spent and he had little or no energy left within him. He kissed my lips, my neck, and my breasts. And then he made a sweet trail of butterfly kisses down the center of my stomach, passed my navel, and on between my legs. I made him stop. He didn’t want to, but I insisted.

“Why not?” he asked, running his fingers through my hair. I could tell her liked the new color.

“I want to leave. I want to go away from here, please.” He need only look at me, and he understood me. And so we dressed and snuck back into my house. I took a duffel bag and a book bag full of clothes and other things I needed. And I told him to take me away.

Daddy was still sleeping. Sound. I felt bad for leaving him like this. But I had no choice. I wrote him a letter and I told him that I was running away. I lied again too. I told him that when he through AJ out he broke up with me. And for that I wanted to run away. To get away from all of this. I know it was awful of me to say those things to him. Things so far from the truth. But I couldn’t just walk away from AJ’s love. He needed me just as much as I needed him. At the end of the letter I told my father that I loved him and that I was sorry. That much was true.

Shane and T picked us up from my house. And we all went to AJ’s. Denise wasn’t there. Which was good. She loved me, but she wouldn’t approve of us using her home for my hideout. No mother would. But in time she would have to understand. AJ and I needed to be together. After Shane and T left, we went into AJ’s room. We were only there for a few minutes, and already he was beginning to panic. He started pacing, mumbling to himself. And at one point in time he pulled a hidden pack of cigarettes from his closet. I got up immediately and took it from him. He looked at me as if I had gone mad.

“What the hell are you doing? I need those,” he protested. But I wouldn’t give them up. I went so far as to take every cigarette out of the pack and dip them in the toilet water. If he wanted one, he’d just have to smoke it wet.

“God, baby, those cost money!” he yelled. But I didn’t care.

“They aren’t going to help this situation. Talk to me, baby. Tell me what’s wrong.” He rushed passed me and sat on the bed. His nose was red, and he looked as if he might cry but he held it back.

“When you first suggested that you run away from home and stay here, I was happy. I thought everything would work out. Cause you’d be here all the time and he’d never be able to take you away from me. But that was my heart thinking, not my head. You’re father’s this big shot army guy and he could probably get me into some serious shit for keeping you here. Monica, my name isn’t golden in this city. I’ve don’t some crazy shit in the past. It’s petty stuff, but I got a record. And he could use that against me. And on top of that, I just remembered that we didn’t use a fucking condom today, Monica.” For some reason I knew that the second part of his statement was bothering him more than the first.

I had known for quite a while that we hadn’t used one. But I put it out of my mind. Only now, after he had reminded me, did I really consider what could happen. We were already in deep shit for dating against my father’s wishes. And now, just what if? I didn’t know it then, but I was crying. I hadn’t even noticed. I was too busy thinking of all the awful things that could occur if I ended up pregnant. At sixteen! And AJ was only seventeen.

He kissed my cheek and held my hand. And I was comforted then.

“Listen, if something happens, I’ll be here for you. I won’t abandon you or neglect my responsibilities. You know that. But, for now, let’s just hope and pray that nothing will happen. It was a mistake. Mistakes happen, alright? Don’t cry, baby. Everything’s gonna be fine.” Just then the front door opened. Denise was home from work. AJ jumped up and went toward the stairs.

“Lie down and get some sleep, ok? I’ll talk to my mom about all this.” And then he was gone. And I was alone in his room. I took his advice and tried to get some sleep. Just when my head hit the pillow, I felt something under the pillow. A book. I pulled it out and opened it. It was his journal. I never knew he kept one. I should have put it back and left it alone, but I was curious as to what went on in his head.

I opened it and flipped through. There were entries about girls. Friends. School. One entry shocked me. It was about drugs. He used to smoke weed every now and then. But I knew that. And I knew about him having used X before. I didn’t know that he ran them for someone. And he got caught the same week he started. So that’s what he was talking about. I wasn’t appalled though. I was proud. He was so honest with me. I loved that about him. I kept skimming and I saw a beautifully drawn woman, in the style of Japanese anime. Next to the sketch were the words “The New Girl”. It was me. Back when my hair was longer. He had written pages and pages about me. Us. He’d written about the first day we met and the incident in my bedroom. He wrote about our first time together. But there was something else. He wrote about Alicia. She had tried on several accounts to win him back. She approached him in school once and tried to take him to the storage room. And I knew what that meant. But I was relieved to read that he flat-out turned her down. Another entry was about how she tried to convince him that I was cheating on him. But he wouldn’t believe it. He called me his little angel.

I heard AJ coming back up the stairs so I closed the journal and slipped it back under the pillow before lying down. He opened the door and I saw Denise behind him. She came over to me and sat on the bed.

“Look at your hair. Did Alex talk you into this?” I smiled and sat up.

“No, it was my idea,” I confessed. She shook her head and then looked at her son.

“I swear, you kids and your hair bleach. Anyway, Alex told me about you wanting to stay here. And you know that this setup won’t last for long. But... you can stay until I have a few words with your father. Something has to be done. I think he’s misunderstood the entire situation and his first impression of your relationship is rather sour. But hopefully if we discuss this, from one parent to another, he’ll reconsider yanking you all the way to Phoenix.” She smoothed my hair back and gave me a kiss on the forehead. She then kissed her son and started for the door.

“I’d normally ask AJ to sleep on the sofa and let you have the bed. But I’m not stupid. I know you two will find some way to sleep in the same bed. So just do me a favor and respect me. Let’s keep it clean, ok?” We both nodded innocently. But as soon as she left, I pulled AJ on the bed and then sat on his stomach. I pulled his journal out and shoved it in his face with a sneaky grin.

“Oh shit, you read it didn’t you?” he asked, rolling his eyes at me.

“Some.”

“This is private, you know? I wouldn’t read your journal,” he complained. I hit him playfully on the head.

“Yeah you would! Don’t lie!” He began to tickle me, and being that he wasn’t ticklish I had to think of something else to do to him. So I pinched his nipples until he let me go.

“AJ... did you really get caught for running drugs for someone?” His face turned serious and avoided looking me in the eye. He was ashamed. He only nodded and mouthed “yeah”.

“I was gonna tell you and all. I just didn’t know when. I didn’t want you looking at me differently. Cause I’m not like that anymore. That was the old me. I’m better now.” I caressed his face and kissed his nose.

“I would never look at you differently. I love you regardless of what you’ve done----“

“Yeah, but, I want to be someone you’re proud of. I want to be better for you. You deserve someone honest and educated. Someone clean-cut. Someone with goals and dreams. Someone who can make it to the top and take you with him. And sometimes I feel like shit cause I know I can’t do that for you. I can’t give you the world and you deserve it. I don’t get much better than this, you know? And sometimes I think I’ll lose you because of that.” I silenced him with a kiss. Kissing him made me forget. It made me forget that my father hated him. It made me forget that we weren’t supposed to see each other, let alone lie with each other this way. It made me forget that I by the end of the week, I was supposed to be in Phoenix. Hiding at his house, in his room, it was only buying us time together. But I knew my father. And though I was grasping straws in running away, I knew that in the end he’d have his way. I’d have to go.

So for that moment, while AJ was in my arms, I cherished him. I cherished the feel of him. His broad shoulders, strong hands, and firm stomach. I cherished the feel of his lips pressed against mine. I cherished the scent of him. His cologne, his hair, even his sweat made its mark in my memory. I cherished the sound of his voice and the rhythm of his breath. I cherished the taste of his delicious kiss. I never thought that I would ever be in this situation. Sixteen and desperately in love. So in love that I was willing to give up all else for that love. I was in too deep. And I cherished every moment of it.

We didn’t make love again that night. We were too grateful to Denise to disobey her and have sex while she was home, literally above her head. But he held me, and that was more than enough. He whispered sweet nothings into my ear, along with some of his most precious secrets. And I couldn’t help but think about the future. What would happen after this? How much could we possibly do to save our relationship? And if we were ever successful in doing so, would it always be as sacred as this? As beautiful? As utterly perfect?

I had totally taken into account that this might not last forever, despite how much I wanted it to. So I vowed to myself that whomever I ended up with, you know, marrying and such... he would have to live up to AJ’s standards. Because AJ, he was setting the benchmark right then. No one had ever made me feel so... so... alive and whole. And I swore that when I grow up, no man will ever treat me any less than that.


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