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High Tech Help
Revised Inner Service Football
Recently the Pentagon announced new rules for the fall 1998 Army-Navy-Air
Force-Marine Corps football tournament. It is now known that the gender-integrated
teams will take to the gridiron only after negotiating the following.
1. Only flag football will be played. The Joint Chiefs of Staff deemed
tackle and touch football too dangerous. First, because of the CNN factor,
the public will no longer tolerate even one field casualty. Second, touching
another player today-even the congratulatory pat on the behind-is court-martial
bait.
2. The phrase "making a pass" will be changed to the less ambiguous
"throwing the ball." And the Army, Navy and Marines will be blocked from
throws beyond 5 yards because of Air Force protests that it alone owns
the long-range air attack mission.
3. The Marine Corps may run with the ball, but no more than 25 yards
per quarter, the Pentagon ruled. It was prompted by Army objections to
long-range naval ground operations.
4. The Navy may not use tailbacks. The term is too sensitive and should
be avoided.
5. To promote interservice cooperation, all teams were ordered to use
the same game plan, after receiving suggestions from all four services.
The Army's plan, called "The Game After Next," called for handoffs of
a digitized football to the fullback, up the middle, on every play. The
Army plan's last chapter, titled "Exit Strategy," was oddly blank, which
would leave players with no choice but to set up bunkers and temporary
housing on the 50-yard line.
The Navy's "Forward... From the Bench" plan called for players-each
called a ball "carrier"-to be surrounded by other Navy football players
in a pack called "carrier groups." These units would establish a roaming
"presence" all over the playing field. Less important than crossing the
goal line is the Navy strategy of being able to protect the carrier group
wherever it patrols the gridiron. So threatening are these carriers, the
Navy strategy goes, that no one would be foolish enough to even mount
a defense.
The Marine's "Three-Yard War" plan was predictable: Seize ground, every
down, no matter how, regardless of the price, preferably while on the
playing field. The linchpin of the Marine game plan called for packing
the audience with members of Congress to ensure that the Marines' performance
did not go unrecognized.
The Air Force's "Fieldwide Engagement" plan kept calling for very long,
accurate throws on every down, during huddles, timeouts, halftime, between
games, in the parking lot and even in the showers. So fast and accurate
would these throws be, went the Air Force strategy, no other team should
even bother to take the field.
After examining each team's playbook the secretary of defense ruled
that none could be used, and that each service was left to its own devices.
The Navy decided victory could be had by not taking the field. Instead,
its players patrolled up and down the sidelines in breathtaking formation,
hoping that would sufficiently deter the other teams from leaving their
benches.
Likewise, the Army decided against taking the field, at least until
several conditions were met: one, that vital U.S. national interests were
at stake; two, the conditions for victory were concrete and easily defined;
and, three, the president would activate 550,000 reserve and National
Guard Army football players if the game actually were to be played.
The Air Force felt victory could be achieved also by not showing up.
Secret plans were later leaked to the press that the Air Force had spent
$38.7 billion on a system able to fire the football into the end zone
from space.
Bolstered by congressional resolution to be the "most ready football
team when others are the least," the Marines stormed the playing field
and declared themselves the winners.
And there was joy in Mudville.
Squawks
Here are some actual maintenance complaints ("Squawks") submitted by
U.S. Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks"
are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews
to fix before the next flight.
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal
seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
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