Sorry, that was the best title I could come up with. But I thought it might be a good idea to mention that my mother and I are running away from MD in favor of beautiful Dayton, Ohio. Dayton: Where even you can get shot at Rally Burger! or Dayton:...We're a city! But in all real[i]ty, the housing costs there are quite low, and my mother has laid claim to a house there. This is incredibly exciting for me, as I am allergic to the clutter that besets the dang apartment. We'll have a basement! And a front & back yard! And a hot tub! And um, Christian neighbors!!!
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In cleaning my room for show/moving, I've run across a ton of old things, uncovering a few gems from days long gone. One such gem was a joke book put out by the Federation for the Blind, containing nonstop painful jokes. I chose a few that were so stupid I had to share:

"What goes aound a button?"
"A goat goes around a-buttin'."

Did you know that Lenin's tomb is a communist plot?

When she criticized my apartment, I knocked her flat.

And then this one was tasteless, sort of like jokes about the Holocaust:

How come the Indians always get a hotel room?
Because they have their reservations.

Another such gem was this submission to the a one-time publication in 5th grade that for some reason I didn't get put in. Here is Caleb's awesome story:

Once there was a boy, he was a boy scout in the 30's. Now this boy was a special scout. He always led people on camp out's. Until one camp out they got lost in the wood's. They were only going for two day's, but as I said they got lost so they set up camp and the next morning they woke up to the smell of bacon. the leader said, "Get up everyone." They said, "John is not up. Will you get him up?" They went to get him up, but he was not there! They all went to find him but he was no where to be found. The boys were scared and so was the leader. This began something. Every morning there was another boy missing! When there was only two boys left, they decided to stop sleeping. They wanted to catch the murderer. The next night when he snuck in they discovered that it was the leader! They caught him but he wouldn't tell them what he had done with the other boys. The leader overpowered the boys and they were never heard from again.      THE END!

Montessori school: ~$5,400 a year (c. 1990). Switching to public school: PRICELESS.
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I also found a slip of paper on which I'd recorded a portion of conversation I heard in a class in high school:

Josh: There's no blood!
Mike: Dogs have invisible blood, you idiot.
Brian: No they don't!
Josh: He just made that up.

Dan's Epic Poem

Dickeydickeydickey
...screams the enraged landlady
"You're a month behind on the rent,
you prick,
and you haven't paid the interest!"

Dan shivers as he thinks
thinks of the interest he has paid
(in the past)
The nights spent in bed with Mrs. Elsworthy
And how she squeals like a fucking shiksa whore

Dan wearily climbs upstairs
to Mrs. Elsworthy's flat.
She scowls at him in an endearingly ugly way
He sweeps her into a passionate embrace,
then leads her by the hand...

...To the open window, to look at the sky
"Look at how beautiful the sky is today,"
he demands,
"Look."
Mrs. Elsworthy is taking off her dusty kerchief.

Dan touches her face and her matted hair,
and traces down her face and neck
He grabs her by the neck and flings her across the window frame
He lifts her by the feet and pushes her the rest of the way out the window
She was screeching like a confused banshee!

"Hasta la vista... baby."

I took a (very entertaining) quiz to see what circle of Hell I was most suited for: